My 27M son has given up on life and I don't know what to do. Has any parent been in the same situation?

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Yikes44@reddit

One of my sons got like this after failing his degree. The most important thing is that your son has someone to talk to and that he has some hope for the future. My son went to see a therapist friend of mine and then I took him away on holiday with me. We chatted a lot while we were away (as you do) and he came back feeling a lot brighter and more positive. I think the trip helped to give him some distance and to see things more in perspective. I'm happy to say that two years on he has a good job and a lovely girlfriend. He still has some mental health issues but hopefully he has a better sense of how to deal with them now. He knows that seeing his mates and getting away for camping weekends re-sets his head.

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KittyMilly@reddit

I also got like this after dropping out of my degree, and you sound like a wonderful mother who handled the situation with so much grace and compassion towards your son. I wish I’d received this level of care, attention and support during that extremely difficult period of time in my life (especially after working so hard to get into uni in the first place). I remember feeling like it was the end of my life, hopeless and dejected, but my parents only encouraged that mindset instead of comforting me or opening up my mind to other pursuits.

Great parenting from yourself and great advice to share with others. Your son is very lucky to have you.

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Yikes44@reddit

Thank you. His dad passed away around that time as well so we all believe in being kind to each other.

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KittyMilly@reddit

I can’t imagine what a difficult time that must have been for you all. That makes it even more admirable how you handled everything with your son so sensitively despite the difficult circumstances.

Having loving parents is the greatest asset any human could have. I am sure he will forever be grateful for how you took care of him.

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Yikes44@reddit

Thank you xx

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TumblyBump@reddit

I second a productive trip, the two of you.

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Moonlitmindset@reddit

I saw a comment about taking a wee trip- I’m 30F and just got back from 20 days visiting my mom on an emergency trip due to severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

My career (copywriting) was derailed when I moved to the UK as I needed a UK based income to meet visa requirements, then was massively changed by AI in the two years I was working in another field, and my current position as an executive assistant has knocked my confidence so low. The job market here is so hard to break into even though I have a degree feom a too uni, over a decade of experience in different fields, and excellent references.

Getting away and spending time with my mom has really helped- just the change of scene, getting away from everyday life and getting some perspective, and having my mom slowly and lovingly help heal me has really helped give me a good foundation.

I’m not saying a holiday will fix anything at all, but it was really huge for me to just reset and take a breath to give my brain space to think of something other than the depression.

Still a long way to go but I can attest have a loving parent help you reset means a lot even when it takes a while to heal.

You’re a good dad for caring so much, wanting to help, and talking to your son about what he’s going through op ❤️

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ObjectMax@reddit

Sounds like a lot of us at the moment. No jobs in the UK. I’m a chemistry grad and I haven’t had an interview in 6 months.

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JosephNootNoot@reddit

Same here man, graduated with a BSc in 2025 and here I am gluing boxes together in a warehouse 😒

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

Nothings changed really my mum struggled post degree on the late 50s as did I in the early 90s. A job is job until something better comes along - often a sideways step - what practical skills do you have?

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Smugness1917@reddit

Unemployment among the young is at sky high.Of course something's changed. We need to stop looking at the world from our own perspective only.

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

In the 80s in 10 of the working age population was unemployed.

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Smugness1917@reddit

It's 14.7% now. Things are bleak.

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

My kids haven't gone yo university for exactly these reasons 60K of debt and even less chance of a job!

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No_Pea-1@reddit

We all have our own perspective. It's why we communicate.

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

Oh absolutely 💯

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JosephNootNoot@reddit

Did two placements in uni (organised by myself outside of uni), worked alongside studies since I was 16, volunteering experience with multiple charities, adjusted CV countless times. Trust me it's not for a lack of trying.

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fungomungothethird@reddit

I don't know what i hate more - being unemployed, job hunting, or going to work. It's misery all the way down.

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KarenJoanneO@reddit

It really is a horrible jobs market isn’t it. I’m really sorry.

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snavej1@reddit

If it is drugs, he might already be stealing from you. Check your possessions.

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reusable_human@reddit

Well there's a few questions that I need to ask, if that's ok.

I'm not a professional in therapy or anything, just someone who's been doing therapy on and off for about 10 years now. The past 4 years have been shocking for me. I have chronic depression and anxiety and probably other stuff as well. Death has been on my mind every day for a verrry long time. I had a bad SA that left my mum scarred and scared. She is the light at the end of my tunnel. Also sorry if I'm blunt, it's just how I am.

What did he use to enjoy? Who is the one person he really loves and listens to? Are you trying to talk to him in a way that's not nagging, just random chats and encouragement here and there? What does he think about himself? Have you tried some nature therapy. Just going to a nice place and just observing life, but no people. Find out what drugs he's using.

Life at the moment feels extremely overwhelming, there's so many issues here in the UK, things are expensive, people are always in a rush and impatient, crap pay, expensive housing, wars, pedophilia, etc I can go on for ages. I am 27 soon and I'm scared to shit about everything. The world is so anxiety inducing right now. Maybe he feels like me, a failure, because I can't do what I've set myself to do and I can't afford to live on my own, family is apart, it's just hard man. But things can get better I guess, maybe he'll meet someone who's going to change his world but he's got a bit of work to do. Exercising is also very good for you.

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Suspicious-Case3861@reddit

Out of curiosity is it Thailand he went too?

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Ell2509@reddit

I'm a 35 year old man who has experienced serious depression myself.

Can you think of a way to put him in touch with me?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

No.

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Ell2509@reddit

Ok then. Best of luck.

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RonnyReddit00@reddit

One thing I'd wished my parents did when I was down on life was some kind of routine hang out, like a movie night every Tuesday.

Something that would always be the same time so it would be something to look forward to or atleast something that'll definitely happen.

Some kind of stability when your feeling lost in an ocean helps.

Of course he night not want to do that. But since others have spoken about doctors and in patient care I thought this might be worth a go.

( Or anything else he is into, fishing, sports, play a story game together in the same room)

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possumsr4eva@reddit

Such a great suggestion. When life feels chaotic and overwhelming, a reliable source of joy and comfort can do so much good

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No-Storm5440@reddit

Idk but I'm 2X and I feel same :(. I've been signed off work for months. I still pay towards bills.. but my savings are running out. I'm causing problems in the house and I'd say maybe it could be drugs if he disappears for days. Seeing this post makes me feel sad for my mum. Damn. Need to get it back together.

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Independent-Loan-581@reddit

Keep him at home and out of drug gangs. Possible best option

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VintageWhino@reddit

Get him professional help, this sounds like a major depression.

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Weirfish@reddit

It's very difficult to fix a year's length of fucking awful things happening with just professional help.

To be fair, it's hard to find the scrumpf to fight through the fucking awful things without professional help sometimes, but therapy isn't a magic bullet when the depression is reasonably justified.

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GlitteringGur3585@reddit

Sometimes its depressing because your living in a depressing situation. I feel anti-depresents are often used to treat the symptoms and not the cause when both need to be tackled.

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caffeine_lights@reddit

This is true, but sometimes they can be helpful in that situation as well. If you feel so hopeless then you might struggle to make changes that could help long term. Sometimes antidepressants can help you get past that feeling and make things happen.

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midwifenicki@reddit

I agree - professional help is warranted. But in conjunction with love and understanding. Life is bloody hard for these youngsters. And there isn’t much hope for many of them.

When my kid was in a similar situation I made sure he knew I was present and non judgemental.

It’s also hard for OP to- a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

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Weirfish@reddit

I'm not so worried about that, to be honest; OP seems to be their for their kid. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, the unconditional love and understanding of a parent won't fix societal rejection. If OP's kid wants to be employed, wants to feel useful, the thing that's going to ultimately make them feel better is feeling useful, not feeling loved. Feeling loved helps, it can make things bearable, and it shouldn't be underestimated, but it's not what's wrong.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

I think that's the problem he's having. He's said to me that he feels like people are constantly disrespected in the workforce in warehouses and that it feels like he's working for nothing other than a pound note. He's also said that, because he'll most likely never own anything, he feels invisible to society and like there isn't much incentive to work in these places.

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head_face@reddit

He's starting a window cleaning job on Wednesday

This is great news, assuming it's not something he's effectively been strongarmed into by yourself or the Jobcentre. Suggests he hasn't entirely given up.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He wasn't. I'm proud of him because it's a way out of warehouse work.

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Grumpy-old_man29@reddit

Look for Jobs doing line painting not sure what part of the UK yoir from but there are always jobs going, it pretty much saved my life! It's hard work but very rewarding and there a loads of qualifications you can get out of it also the money can be really good!

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head_face@reddit

Fantastic. From other comments in which you mention his overseas business attempt, his openness with you about issues he's had and the fact that he's still being proactive about things, it seems to me that he's got his head screwed on. Perhaps it's because he's astute that he's frustrated, he's assessing the widespread situation and he's drawing some bleak (but fair) conclusions. But importantly, he's not giving up.

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Weirfish@reddit

It sounds like he needs something to aim for, to be honest. Owning material things is a thing to aim for, it's actually a pretty solid SMART goal, but it's not necessarily a healthy long-term choice.

I've got half a decade or so on him, but I think we were broadly told the same message growing up; study well, work hard, and you'll get a job, have a house and a car, have a family, and have a good, strong basis to find meaning in your life. The social contract that backed that promise was broken in '08, somewhat by necessity, but never really got repaired. Austerity kept it broken, and now we're in a pit from which escape, even with good policy, will take a long time.

I say this because, honestly, he probably should only be working to get paid. As nice as it is to find companionship and friendship in the workplace, modern society doesn't support the same kinda lifestyle that depended on not worrying about having a job if you were good at it. You're strongly incentivised to be mercenary about it.

He should probably try to find some fulfilment outside of work. It fuckin' sucks to enforce it, but routine is critical, and getting some SMART goals is critical. You said elsewhere he goes to the gym; he should keep that up. A gym buddy would help too, people can be more accountable to others than to themselves. If he can find a job that he can leave at the job, he probably should. And then probably another social thing that doesn't involve any overt vices; vices are okay, but in this vulnerable state, linking them to the dopamine sources used to pull him out of depression is probably a bad idea.

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

Unfortunately that's always been the case.

Maybe he would be happier with a little plot of land and living off grid?

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Puzzleheaded_Can9159@reddit

It’s also not helpful to get into situations when you’re already having a rough go that most likely will end in failure. It’s a horrible mental experience. Starting a business without some financial support is a great way to get your ass kicked. It took 2-3 years of me working at a very good job for my wife’s business to get running and big enough to maintain itself. There is zero chance we would have got there without my salary.

But when you’re depressed and the business fails, which most do anyways, you look at it as I’m not good enough. It has fuck all to do with how good your or the business are and everything to do with the reality of a startup.

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Weirfish@reddit

If you're 6 months into being unemployed, have an asset that can be sold for startup capital, and some hope left, it's not an unreasonable thing to think to do. I honestly don't blame the guy for trying the Hail Mary, even if it was a bad idea for their mental health.

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h00dman@reddit

Why would you shoot down potentially life-saving advice like that???

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Adnotamentum@reddit

Therapy can't cure a shit life, mate.

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YchYFi@reddit

Therapy only does so much.

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NoncingAround@reddit

Therapy is not a magic wand. For a huge amount of people it does nothing.

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Weirfish@reddit

I really don't consider that shooting it down. Therapy is good. It should happen in this case. OP's son has had a shit year. It's entirely reasonable that they should feel down, and it's to be expected that therapy won't fix what's wrong without some other wins in his life.

If we set the expectation that OP's son needs to spend 90 minutes with a therapist once a week for 8 weeks and he'll be fine, OP is going to be grossly disappointed and his son isn't going to be helped.

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Streathamite@reddit

The disappearing for days on end could also indicate drug abuse too. I agree an intervention is badly needed

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RazzamanazzU@reddit

This is the first place my mind went to, growing up with an alcoholic and divorced from an addict. Disappearing is a huge red flag for substance abuse. Could it possibly also be why mom kicked him out?

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Quirky-Pirate-5673@reddit

Yeah this just sounds like standard coke debt behaviour in all honesty

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-aLonelyImpulse@reddit

I was going to say the same thing. It sounds like he has an addiction problem. Either depression has led to self-medication, or recreational use has escalated and interfered with his life. Either way this guy needs help.

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IcySetting2024@reddit

Maybe both.

Depression and using drugs to cope.

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BowiesFixedPupil@reddit

That's how it tends to start

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Swede081@reddit

yeah that definitely sounds like more than just a rough patch, getting professional support involved would be really important here

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Rare-Listen5804@reddit

yeah that definitely sounds like something deeper than just “life not going well” and getting professional support would be a really important step

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Foundation_Wrong@reddit

He needs mental healthcare. You need to take him to to a doctor.

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un32134e4@reddit

so he'll get put on a waitlist and be seen in 12 months

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maybedont18@reddit

I'm 25 and I'm also struggling to motivate myself. The constant job rejections start to get really demotivating after a while and entry level jobs are not exactly entry level nowadays. I have a fixed term contract so trying to find something that is actually interesting by the time I finish that. I think perhaps hobbies and getting out can be really helpful, maybe joining a walking group or another free activity where there is no pressure to have to spend. Those can make you feel a little more like what you're doing is making a difference, maybe even volunteering or something else that gives him a little hope that the world isn't all bad?

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DONBYnotMe@reddit

As a now 29yr old man who has recently turned my life around within the last couple of years, very good chance he is using drugs a d drinking alcohol to cope with most likely a very severe depression. I'm very sorry to the whole family as this has no doubt been hard on everyone already and will continue to be hard for now. Honestly I would not have accepted any help from anyone, professional or family when I was in this mindset and headspace, truthfully it sounds like he has had a shit last 18 months blown his savings, became depressed and turned to drugs which of course just makes it worse, all I can think would be useful to him is to try and do stuff together, to communicate, play football together, play golf together, go see a band together, just try to be there for him the best you can, let him know life can get better and he can pick himself back up, offer him re-assuraunce that you won't kick him out and make him homeless that he has a place to stay but that he must be trying and putting effort in to improve his life. He could go to a recruitment agency and get temp work very quickly, minimum wage but it's a start. It may be the initial kick he needs to start the wheels turning again. No idea if this perspective is useful but just try to be his father before anything else.

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jtevil@reddit

Is this in the UK?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Yes.

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jtevil@reddit

The depression is one thing, seems like people have commented already on getting support.

As far as the employment side of things goes - there may be some help available to him,

The Restart Scheme - if he is on Universal Credit and attends the job centre he can ask to be put on the Restart Scheme. There's some negative reviews for the scheme because once you are put on it attendance is a mandatory condition for the UC payments. But it does mean he'll get some dedicated support looking for work.

There's also a couple of voluntary programmes - depends on what area you live in for availability and who would be delivering it. But you could look at,

Connect to Work

This is a pretty new programme, aimed at supporting people getting into work, there's conditions for who is eligible, its mainly for people who have conditions or backrounds that can make accessing work more difficult than most people would experience. Qualifying groups, Health conditions, disabilities, learning disabilities, mental health conditions (including depression, anxiety), people raised in care, ex-carers, survivors of domestic abuse, refugees, people recovering from drug/alcohol abuse. They scheme aims to support people in gainimg employment and supporting them to stay in work.

Link -

https://www.maximusuk.co.uk/news/maximus-begins-connect-to-work-delivery-across-lancashire

Access to Work

This is support for mental health /wellbeing at work - so if he gets a job they would support him to stay in work and help him manage depression

Link -

https://atw.maximusuk.co.uk/get-support-today-m/?utm_source=Paid_search&utm_medium=PPC_Google_Text&utm_campaign=EMP-ATW---B2C&utm_adgroupid=High_Intent_Terms&matchtype=p&device=m&keyword=access%20to%20work%20mental%20health%20support%20service&creative=694894451266&campaignid=21129981072&adgroupid=164017029967&loc_interest_ms=&loc_physical_ms=9046527&feeditemid=&adposition=&utm_term=access%20to%20work%20mental%20health%20support%20service&utm_campaign=EMP-ATW-B2C-leadgen&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=8639246383&hsa_cam=21129981072&hsa_grp=164017029967&hsa_ad=694894451266&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-301431312176&hsa_kw=access%20to%20work%20mental%20health%20support%20service&hsa_mt=p&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21129981072&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2_TQBhCnARIsAF3-XhzoLvS6WBGylOM7D6qjzSblV7qxSyGkoUMM11C3VYYKFMmGuTQ9gt0aAgZ2EALw_wcB

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PralineAwkward8065@reddit

Huge intervention needs to take place with his mother. He may be 27 but you are his father at the end of all of this a children no matter the age always need comfort and words of encouragement from their parents and to let them know that times are hard but you always got them. Maybe the future right now isn’t a job but maybe looking into trade skills such as becoming a painter etc so many opportunities out there it’s about pushing him or steering him towards something different with different goals

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Bubbly-Air7302@reddit

Go with him to a a local inpatient — he needs mental health intervention

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Bubbly-Air7302@reddit

A&E I mean. From there they admit him. Unless you can afford something private like The Priory

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Talon-2267@reddit

He's depressed, so soft but firm, he needs a structure and a routine so try and get him volunteering and have breakfast and dinner together at a table

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Redgrapefruitrage@reddit

How does he react if you ask what’s going on, how he is, how you can support him, etc?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He's very honest. He just seems to have gave up on life. He's told me everything that's happened in the past year, while he was homeless. He's fine when I try to support him. He doesn't act out of retaliation.

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Iforgotmypassword126@reddit

What kind of work does he do. Obviously he needs mental health support but if he’s been homeless, I may be able to connect him with a work placement for vulnerable adults.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He currently works at a warehouse.

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Iforgotmypassword126@reddit

What region of the UK do you live in. I’ll send you some names to reach out to if it’s north west. If it’s elsewhere I can find similar organisations

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le-o@reddit

Lots of physical exercise in construction. That, steady income, and a healthy diet beats pharmaceutical approaches.

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Iforgotmypassword126@reddit

We also have a nurse that comes to site every 2 weeks for optimal health tests/sessions (optional) and we partner with local suicide prevention charities (big fantango) and andymansclub (amongst others) that come to site to talk about depression and spotting the signs that a colleague or friend feeds help. These are usually once a year

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Opposite_Position125@reddit

sounds really good tbf

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BillyBlaze314@reddit

Why did he get kicked out his mum's?

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himit@reddit

Take him backpacking or camping for two or three weeks.

Change of environment, connecting with each other, and having to overcome challenges with limited resources will do wonders for his outlook and confidence. (Unless he's on drugs)

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

Completely agree and if drugs are involved they will reveal themselves !

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Foreign-Collar8845@reddit

I lost everything in my life except for my family when I was 43. After that I tried many things some with moderate success most with failure. It took 4 years for me to retrain myself get a decent job and be able to go to sleep without the fear for tomorrow. 2 things helped me to push through . The fear of not be able to provide for my family and my wife’s unending support. That was 6 years ago. Now my eldest is about to finish university and I know what I could do 6 years ago is so much harder for young people. He definitely needs someone with an unending support and a purpose. Start with the support.

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sshiverandshake@reddit

Have you considered paying for a life coach / therapist for him? Going to one helped me turn my life around after struggling with depression for a few years. It cost around £60 per session and I went once a week for a few months, then twice a month for a year or so.

I would recommend the same lady I went to, but in all honesty the success of therapy partially depends on whether or not you can build a rapport with the therapist - you're better off speaking to a few therapists and gauging whether or not they could help your son.

Only get contract with someone who's registered with the relevant authority (BACP).

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Redgrapefruitrage@reddit

Good that he’s being honest with you and not closed off. Like others have said, he may well need professional help for depression.

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Repulsive_Sweet_5308@reddit

Please get him some professional help, has his mum tried to talk to him?My thoughts are with you, I can't imagine how hard this is for you 😭 as a parent trying to get our children ( no matter what age ) top open up, is so hard. Please don't blame yourself either, giving him a home and a safe place is more than you think

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deadeyes1990@reddit

I’m really sorry, this sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t think this is just him being lazy or making bad choices. From what you’ve said — not washing, disappearing, sleeping rough, the overdose — it sounds like he’s in a really bad place mentally. I’d be treating this as urgent. I know you can’t force him to fix everything overnight, but I think the next step is just getting him in front of someone. GP, NHS 111 mental health option, local crisis team, A&E if you think he’s at immediate risk. Don’t wait for him to suddenly become able to sort it all himself, because he probably can’t right now. I’d keep it simple with him: “I love you, I’m scared, I’m not angry, but we need to get you some help.” Then actually sit with him while he makes the call, or take him there yourself if he’ll let you. He might push back or act like he doesn’t care, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need you. It sounds like he’s drowning a bit. Don’t try to solve his whole life in one go — just get him through the next bit safely.

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NorthWishbone7543@reddit

Sounds like my life when I was 21.

Had a bit of a accident with drugs. Was accidentally spike with a large quantity of drugs and ended up traveling around the moon for 3 years before coming back to earth.

Spent 3 years in and out of mental health hospitals before I acknowledged I was unwell.

Came back down to earth then it took me a good few years to actually get myself in order.

Lost my entire 20s to atrocious mental health issues.

I'm in my 40s been clear for 20 odd years, but it took time, a lot of time.

My parents weren't supportive, they didn't want to know, they'd rather throw around abuse and threats of being sectioned.

But I made it through the other side.

But you've got a choice to make, as a parent you can either give your son support and time, but you'll have to accept he'll be living rent free under your roof until he becomes a bit more stable.

Or

You can have a word with your GP, tell him what your son is experiencing and seeing if they can help.

If he refuses help, they can section him. There's different levels of sections. Section 2 - 28 days Section 3 - 6 months

They might section your son on an initial 28 days for evaluation, if he's not suffering from any mental illness, he'll be free to go or allowed to stay volunterily until he's back on his feet.

If they feel he needs more help, then they may increase the Section 2 to a Section 3. But they can end that at any time.

If you go down the GP, Mental health help. Your son will probably not recognise he's unwell and he will probably hold it against you.

I was raging at my parents, hated them, promised I'd never speak to them again.

So it might cause a lot of kick backs, it's part of the process. After all an alcoholic doesn't know they are an alcoholic, they will fight you every step of the way until the realise they are an alcoholic.

In the long term I'd recommend you speak with your GP. Have a word. In the short term there may be a lot of anger shown, but in the long term, your son will look back and see you helped.

Depending how forgiving you are as a parent, you might need to ride the storm. But there will be a lot of support available, I think the mental health services are prepared for the push back. It's part of the process.

But good luck, it won't be easy.

But you can both get past this

There is lots of support available.

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pixelunicorns@reddit

Contact his GP, contact any local mental health charities, ask for guidance and support. Your son has been through a rough time and that takes it's toll on anyone. Try talking to him too, especially about him randomly taking off for a couple of days, let him know you are there for him and you want to support him. As someone who suffers from depression it can be hard to hear but important to be reminded of those that love you and care for you. But without people reminding us, its really easy for us to self-isolate and assume no-one cares.

Getting a job lately in any sector has been hard, so it's not a failure on his part if he struggles to find work. But he needs to get doing something, including signing up for unemployment and using any of their services that might be useful to him. My brother is in a similar position and whilst he hasn't found work yet, even getting out volunteering has been beneficial for his confidence and general wellbeing.

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cbe29@reddit

When I fell into depression, my mum give me little tasks. At the time, I was only moving on direct instruction. Could you please water the garden, cut the grass, I need help planting these, shall we make a salad from the garden for lunch, will you come for a walk with me. This went on for months.

I hadnt realised how annoying it must have been for her, as she had to tell me how to function everyday but she did and in a way that implied that I was helping her. When she said water the garden, instead of realising it as my chore for everyday I had to be asked again.

It gave me a little purpose and slowly but surely I noticed that the grass needed cutting or that she needed lunch. Im still not at the stage were I am good at recognising what I need or working toward achieving it though. Couldn't be more thankfully for her patience and understand with me.

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Booismental@reddit

Just wanted to say your mum sounds wonderful, I wish I'd had that when I was younger. I think a lot of parents forget just how tough growing up is and that doesn't change when you turn 18 or 21 or more. It all depends on individual circumstances.

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cbe29@reddit

Yes she is amazing. Thats not to say we didnt have our run ins as I was not very nice and at times pushing back to her encouragement of independence. I will say though that I was in my 30s and nearly two decades of work and independence behind me. Its hard to know how it would have reacted with harder pushing but ultimately it would have been me that needed to want to engage in life again.

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AncientStrawberry748@reddit

Depression is forgetting what happiness feels like. You stop fighting for it bc you literally don’t remember what it feels like. Something me and my dad talk about when I’m going through tight spots is that I just need a few good days/moments. Focus on building moments like that and it could help to stop the focusing on all the bad outcomes you’ve had/feel like you will inevitably have. As crazy as it sounds he needs some good healthy time. Like a really fun time that doesn’t include not being sober. Before he goes and piles on the responsibilities he’s not addressing he’s got to WANT to. And to want to you have to remember what it feels like.

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chart1961@reddit

DBSA is a support group for both of you that offers online and in-person meetings. It helped me tremendously.

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Vast-Heron8963@reddit

It could be GAMBLING..the invisible killer addiction..You cant smell it or see it..Any indications he likes a bet..or plays machines roulette..horses football?

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moriex@reddit

A GP appointment would be helpful. You could ask if there’s any social prescriptions available. Some places can help find free/affordable communities and hobbies to help as well as the medical stuff

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Jonny7421@reddit

Sounds like me a couple of years ago. I lost the will to live. Smoked a lot of weed as a coping mechanism. Eventually got to the doctor and medication helped me get back on my feet.

Still fighting depression but I'm at least fighting it.

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Any-Seaworthiness531@reddit

Give him drugs and a guitar, maybe he’s the next rock star

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mostwanted777@reddit

Besides other advices, I would also advise you to always be there for him and try to hang out together and be his friend. Try also to keep him busy as much as you can. Find any voluntary work or any community related activities

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Baroqueimproviser@reddit

Please get your son under a prayer cover now. I mean, get him on church prayer lists. And call up those 1 800 numbers put out by Christian groups. And pray yourself for him constantly. There is nothing like the concerted power of prayer of believers, and even non-believers. The Lord will send the right people, therapists, etc. And please make sure you are not enabling him yourself. Our God is *real*. You can also read out scripture in your home, in his room. The Lord has a good plan for his life.

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Kaurblimey@reddit

Time to move to Australia

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JLaws23@reddit

Nihilism is a huge crisis youth is facing right now. As a teacher I found that the only thing that helps with this is finding them something (outside of work) that gives them a reason to live. Healthy hobbies, sports, a grade. Give him skills he can use in this world that are not particularly academic. Give him lifelines he can use. He will need help too but NHS referrals are slow and terrible. If you can get him a therapist on Better Help asap.

Just the fact that you’re there for him means a lot and you sound like a great dad, but you’re right to be concerned and I wish the very best to both of you.

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GoldenGolgis@reddit

I really want to endorse this with more than an upvote. The current situation for young people entering employment years is absolutely diabolical, I know every generation has its share of failure to launch but this is something else our young people are living through now. Housing, education, employment all ivory castles out of reach now for the vast, vast majority. Socialising and third spaces all profiteered into niches they can’t reach.

The line between validating this problem, and enabling it, has moved very very far and is thinner than ever. My best advice (as a fellow parent of late teens/early 20s) is to find a way to validate his experience without abandoning hope and self-belief. It’s not easy and you will also need people you can talk to, who are currently going through these same pressures. Good luck to you and your lad.

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RedonculousCherry@reddit

Yes he should get some counselling or therapy, Not through Better help though.

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DurgeDidNothingWrong@reddit

Not through Better help though

they bad?

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Captains_Parrot@reddit

I have heard that they pay the therapists like shit so it's only really staffed by therapists who aren't very good and couldn't find employment anywhere else. I don't know how true this is but it was enough to make me suspicious.

They've also been fined for selling their patients data to Facebook, and others I'm sure.

They're debatably better than nothing but there's way better options out there.

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Riverside2420@reddit

I used BH once and initially I thought ‘this is good, what’s the fuss about?’ Then my therapist started telling me what to do, being quite judgemental and unprofessional. I then tried to leave but it was tricky. I’ve since seen a lot of people with similar experiences of therapists clearly not trained or mentored well. Which isn’t good for anyone, but could potentially be dangerous too.

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RedonculousCherry@reddit

I double checked to make sure the criticisms were still current. They were : Criticisms around poor therapist client matching; use of ai in chat bots ; lack of upfront transparency about pricing and therapist qualifications ; inadequate pay for the therapists

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NoncingAround@reddit

They’re popular to hate online, largely comes from YouTube sponsors. In reality they’re not much different to any other company.

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Ikarus_@reddit

Hey I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say you’re a good person for not giving up on him and doing everything you can to help him

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intenseskill@reddit

Who are you to him? You say son but then say he was kicked out of his mothers

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fck-nzs1@reddit

Have you checked if he's undiagnosed neuro divergent?

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Conscious_Leader_428@reddit

As someone in your sons position, not as a parent but literally in the same "I give up on life" position. You just need to be there for him man.

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_Xemplar@reddit

Get Him in a Combat Sport( Just the training doesn't have to be contact but Must to be a group), Get him a separate Physical Hobby (motorcycles for me, but could be camping, photography, anything that can be done outside and in the world), Therapy (yes it helps) and get him in a position to have his own place ( Studio Flat etc).

Get his Test levels checked and if Any recreational substances are involved that don't have a medical/health reason for taking them get him to stop.

Have him Look for trainee technician roles, Trainee engineering roles etc especially if he has a licence. No experience needed, Get treated much better, less workplace interaction, easy route to progress payment and always needed etc just a better gig allround then warehouse and the like

Be there for him. Push him. Expect more from him. And then show him the way to fulfill it. Shiit caring puts you ahead of like 50% of fathers anyway.

Life is shit, hes gotta thug it out. Protect yourself at all times and you don't lose as long as you get back up.

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Iforgotmypassword126@reddit

Sounds like depression and failure to launch.

Anecdotally I’m noticing this is happening at really high rates for Gen Z. There’s less opportunities, education isn’t as useful and is very expensive, and even going out and socialising is more expensive (and less common as people their age are living their lives online).

A lot of parents are struggling to get their adult children to apply for job and remain employed. They say it’s because jobs are harder to get, have less growth / career progression and the pay doesn’t translate to things like home ownership or holidays or other attractive things etc.

So I’m hearing parents say that the adult child would prefer is able to live for free at home for free and distract themselves with technology instead of working.

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Rich-Peak-3902@reddit

The incentives have disappeared.

You used to either have a shit job, which was hard effort but uncomplex and left you time to enjoy your life, or a good job which was complex and time consuming, but paid very well. Now the vast majority of jobs are just shit; they're demanding, they're time consuming and they're badly paid. Young people are not having the same opportunities as older cohorts, they're just being forced to work to live, but without getting to live.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Agree with everything you said there.

He definitely doesn't do drugs anymore, but he did overdose on Diazepam about 2-3 months ago.

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Ok-Mission-3426@reddit

Was alcohol involved? It’s almost impossible to overdose on diaz alone. I only ask as he sounds a lot like me at that age and while very open with my parents about drugs etc. they didn’t know the real extent of my drug/alcohol addiction as I wanted to not upset them and could hide it (mostly).

As someone else suggested, a holiday is a nice idea, a change of scenery is always good, even just a few days somewhere else in your region or something where you can spend time together and talk properly over a few days. I broke up with a girlfriend at that age, had been living together for a few years and it was the end of my world for a while. After sorting out my substance use I started volunteering at a few different places with different types of people, despite never being sporty took up a sport and a martial art. I was always a bit of a nerdy music guy and those really took me out of my comfort zone. I had really supportive parents and it sounds like you’re doing the best you can, I would probably be dead or completely fucked if it weren’t for them so yeah, stand by him but it sounds like you don’t need me to tell you that.

Changing things up until something clicks is good, trying different experiences and volunteering in organisations that do work he finds admirable worked out ok for me. Good luck.

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Orri@reddit

Depends what he means by overdosing. It's incredibly hard to take enough that it puts you in immediate danger.

Though overdosing can also just mean taking more than prescribed and getting extremely drowsy and being hit with rebound effects.

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D0ntEatPaper@reddit

Oh my gosh yesss! working in a job that cares somewhat about you and is willing to help you learn and grow has been so important for me. There is a socialization aspect to it as well, working in a professional field where there's expectations to meet and people depending on you has helped a lot with buckling down and handling my own shit.

And like you mentioned, it translates to other areas of one's life. I may have less free time, but it means I value it more and I'm more willing to do other activities like working out, sports or dating.

Not having a job makes it a lot harder to do pretty much all of that. Money, societal expectations, our own expectations of ourselves.... It all feeds into each other. We can't discount the effects of COVID either. For myself the isolation it caused was the catalyst to me eventually going to inpatient treatment and a psych ward 3 day stay against my will in 2022.

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MangoonianLord@reddit

I'm not a parent but I'm around his age and I understand the situation in the UK is dire. People can do everything right at school then face no job prospects. Articles on NEETs (Not in Employment, Education, or Training) can give some context on this for his age group.

I've been stuck in ruts before too and worked abroad for a while. It helped me alongside looking at my health and fitness. You might want to keep an eye on him regarding going abroad and his history of drug use though.

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mister_boi98@reddit

I am going through a similar thing. I'm 27 and last year got made redundant and was unemployed for 10 months. Back in work now the pay is terrible, about £1k a month. I can't afford to do anything and my motivation is low, my anxiety is high. My friends are either unemployed, take lots of cocaine or a mix of both, so I don't really like spending time with them but they are the only friends I have, so I feel like I'm dealing with some rough loneliness. Not much in life gives me pleasure right now, I like going to the gym and going out on my paddle board, playing video games in the evening but I'm still poor, still down about 12k in savings, still lonely. Life could be worse but it's also quite miserable. Some positive reinforcement or something like that wouldn't go amiss.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

You're pretty much going through what my son is going through. I hope everything gets better for you.

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Blender_Ronic@reddit

Have you tried asking for help from the GP? There might be some therapy option that is available for free.

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shoopmoopi@reddit

I agree with a lot of things people have said here about professional help etc.

But what could help is trying to do things with him out the house, maybe going to the gym with him. It might not be for everyone but I know the gym has helped me mentally in the past and still does to this day.

Excersise has many forms most people automatically think of lifting weights but you just need to find something that suits him. Running, swimming, sports or hiking.

It helps with self confidence and being able to see you are getting result from what you are putting in. And spending time with him during this can help strengthen the bond between you two and can openly talk about what's going on.

I wish you and your son the best.

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Funky_monkey2026@reddit

Does he have a purpose? Help him find a hobby to get him out of the house, that can eventually lead to him getting a job. Gardening, painting, learning a trade, motors. It'll also help him socialise and develop responsibility.

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GlitteringGur3585@reddit

Has he lost anyone close to him or a suffered a traumatic event ? It may not be depression, could be complicated/complex greif disorder or complicated/complex PTSD, they are both debilitating. If you look on youtube you will find a number of videos describing the symptoms.

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SeaExcitement4288@reddit

Can you help in any way? Try get him a job? Financial support? Reassure him, let him stay until he sorts things out.

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clrthrn@reddit

He needs to see the doctor. The hardest part will be convincing him of that but once he has one therapy appointment, the benefits will show themselves. Good work though dad, doing your dad thing like a champ and being there for him.

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SpeechWeird5267@reddit

(Not disagreeing with the advice.

. . .

.

. . .but I don't trust my GP surgery to help with my mental health. I

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conrat4567@reddit

Therapy is great, medication is not. GPs will rush to put you on medication before therapy, you have to be adamant and say "No, I WANT therapy"

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Nice_Back_9977@reddit

Medication can absolutely great if it’s needed. It saves and transforms lives

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conrat4567@reddit

It often increases symptoms and the side effects can be devastating for some. Therapy should always be undertaken first. Even the NHS recommend therapy before getting medicated

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Jung-And-A-Menace@reddit

Therapy takes a long time. Pills are a lot quicker. 'Therapy before pills' doesn't work when you're struggling to get out of bed and need something so you can actually get to work.

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conrat4567@reddit

Pills work in the short term but are not a permanent fix and should never be.

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Nice_Back_9977@reddit

Why not? Some people need medication long term and that’s ok. Nobody expects diabetics to stop their insulin or asthmatics to be able to wean off their inhalers, and some people with severe depression and anxiety need medications to function in exactly the same way.

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Jung-And-A-Menace@reddit

I've heard this before but never seen an actual source for the belief.

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doctorace@reddit

Titrating is often quite unpleasant though. And GP’s don’t really support with that.

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Jung-And-A-Menace@reddit

My old GPs were the opposite. I wanted medication for short-term relief, but I had to go on a useless online CBT 'seminar course' first. They only prescribed me pills when I got my own personal private therapist.

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SpeechWeird5267@reddit

How do you know? I 'despise' them as I understand that they're the gatekeepers and I don't believe or trust them (for now). 🤦

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conrat4567@reddit

I know because I have been through the same system

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SpeechWeird5267@reddit

Any advice? Does it not depend on region, waiting list, availability and so many other excuses?🤷‍♂️

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conrat4567@reddit

It can depend yes, but being adamant with them is one of the best ways to get what you need. GPs are good but they want you in and out. At the end of the day, they cannot force you to do anything and you have the right to request specific help. You can also apply online in things like right to choose or if you want to skip the queue, you can pay for licenced therapists.

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PetersMapProject@reddit

Are drugs involved in this?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Drugs were involved when he was homeless. He's definitely been clean since.

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PetersMapProject@reddit

He's disappearing for days at a time, combined with all the other signs and history, and you're still convinced he's clean?

I'd suggest a drug test.

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npc80085@reddit

Drug test is a horrible idea. Just assume he is on drugs and go from there - don't make him take a test

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PetersMapProject@reddit

I suggested a drug test because I think OP is in denial and needs it in black and white.

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npc80085@reddit

I understand but his son is clearly in a spiral. Telling him that he doesn't trust him and thinks he is lying about drugs won't achieve anything good

Also, it doesn't really change much if he is on drugs

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Soggy_Tangerine9340@reddit

If he disappears for days at a time that could be a red flag for drug binges.

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mata_dan@reddit

Have to happy about the small things really.

I've got a perfectly fine career, better than the vast majority actually, also businesses under my belt in the past etc (one sold on and doing well still and I'm glad I started something that became something even if I couldn't be the one to keep charge of it). And I also have basically given up on it because it simply does not matter compared to the cost of living properly. What matters is time spent with good people (that also is as hard to maintain as a career) and time available for hobbies.

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Mysterious-Capybara-@reddit

Can't blame this younger generation for giving up. Lack of opportunities, unaffordable housing etc. Future looks bleak with the rise of AI and big tech taking over...

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Taodaching@reddit

Is he on drugs or drinking heavily? Seriously might want to check. As for failing and giving up. Most startups fail. You have to keep trying. Maybe there's a business programme or course he could take, then get on an accelerator programme after that - many are funded so youd need to check your region and see whats out there. Try not to worry and just be as supportive and encouraging as you can. About health, and finding purpose. It may just be a reset time for him. If he can get near a decent programme he'll hear Many stories of startups failing, pivoting etc and hopefully he sees its part of the process, not the end of it all.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He's not anymore.

That's true.

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Natural-Candle-8687@reddit

Has he been in many relationships in his life?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

No. There aren't many women his kind of age in this town or even in the area.

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perhapsflorence@reddit

It's a cry for help, OP. Please take him to see a therapist who can possibly medicate him.

Don't give up.

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PeculiarBadger@reddit

Hey, just to preface my answer, not a parent but I am a therapist.

It sounds like your son has a had a lot going on and what you have described sounds like he could benefit from support. I would recommend discussing with him a self-referral to your local NHS Talking Therapies service (you can find this on https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/enter-gp).

What happens is a referral is made and then the individual has a 45 minute assessment to see if the service is suitable. If not, the assessor will make recommendations for other services.

Therapy may not be the right thing for him and he may not be in the space for it, which is common. The fact that you are trying to support is really important though.

Different services have different waiting times for getting an assessment and treatment so can't give you an accurate idea of that.

Let me know if you have any questions about the process.

I hope your son gets any help they need and don't forget to look after yourself as well!

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Lucky_Maximum_5714@reddit

Defo depression mate, also he’s possibly doing drugs if he’s disappearing for days at a time.

I’ve been there myself and it’s hard for young lads to open up as we’re pressured by society to be tough and stoic. Maybe he needs therapy and a routine?

Try getting him into exercising, reviving old hobbies or starting new ones. Just make sure you’re there for him and don’t point fingers and complain about him unless it’s something that needs fixing urgently.

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ChampionSouthern4493@reddit

call the mental health/depression/and or suicide hotlines in your community.

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Novel-Case6821@reddit

Encourage him to go to GP in the first instance and explain everything that's going on. He needs professional help I think and that would be the most obvious starting point.

You could try to encourage him to talk to you also, some people find it hard to ask for help and maybe having that chat will help him realise he's not alone.

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Spider-Thwip@reddit

There is a lot of that going around.

Keep an eye out for serious drug use.

Do you guys have any pets? When im depressed getting up for my pets is what keeps me going.

Do you have a dog that he can take on walks etc?

People love speaking to you if you have a dog and its almost always a positive interaction.

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No_North_8484@reddit

A bit of a random suggestion which may or may not work, but you might consider encouraging him to get down to the local climbing wall (easy going) or martial arts group (much more focussed).

I love my local climbing group. Climbers are the nicest bunch you might meet and the sport is graded in a way that makes progression really easy to see. With the popularity of bouldering, it's a great option for solo training, but also an excellent place to meet positive people. It's cardio and strength training at once, and it entirely addictive. It focuses the body and mind. What's more, it's not compatible with being off yet noggin and is also pretty cheap.

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Acceptable_Reach2892@reddit

Dont sink your boat trying to save his.

Id kick him out, if he can't appreciate this sweet short thing we call life dont let him detract from yours.

Source: dealt with too many people that ive tried to save and while you can lead a horse to water, you cant make it drink

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XCTASHIV@reddit

Homeless, missing for days and depressed does unfortuantely make me think there could be a drug / alcohol absuse issue.. I don't know why he was kicked out; or if you are on speaking terms with his mother, but could you ask her if she noticed any red flags?

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gurlgang@reddit

Can I just say firstly, the agony and worry you will be feeling I can completely understand. It’s a worry.

It would be easy to tell you all of the things which normally work, but people are different. The way I distinguish a rough patch from something a bit more serious- is if someone’s ‘personality’ has changed. Basically- do they seem different, not quite themselves, and the period of time it lasts.

It’s worth trying to understand what in his life right now is hurting him the most. It sounds silly but when you’re overwhelmed, there’s usually one or two things that just aren’t helping, the job situation sounds about right considering he’s been in and out of two recently. Sometimes to unload, you need to drop something, a burden in order to even think straight. Is there any responsibility or thing in his life that if he didn’t have to ‘worry’ about- might give him some space to recharge. Sometimes everything seems too much. Try to speak to him about it. If that fails, I would recommend a trip to the doctors if possible. They will tell you to look online bla bla, ignore that- if he needs pills right now then push for that. Mental health issues aren’t dealt with properly, not in the UK anyway. But sometimes medication helps … for now. Long term, he needs to think of ways to pull himself through it. Good luck all the best.

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Melting-Sabbath@reddit

Taking him to do a camping in the weekend, it's the best time to connect.

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Sad-Consequence-2227@reddit

Honestly, this sounds a bit of what I went/going through. Im 33. Had a good job and was seeing a girl. We were planning on moving countries to her home country together. Then found out she was on dating apps. I left work because I worked with her. Lost job, her, her daughter.

Im unemployed now, live with mum and I've left the house about 3 times in 2 months. I was depressed and ruminating at the beginning but doing nothing apart from studying has actually helped me in way. Time to find myself and heal. Tactical retreat if you will. Im sure on the outside it looked like I had given up, but I just needed time.

Everyone is different though and you know your son. It does sound like something happened and hasn't told you. I still haven't told my mum what happened. Us sons suck at actually telling our parents stuff!

I hope he finds his way. The fact you're in his corner asking about him will go a long way to helping him.

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Mavericks7@reddit

How can a mother kick out their own kid?

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TomLondra@reddit

Your son, God bless him, is in the same boat as many others of the same age. They have all been taught to think that they each, individually and competitively, have to each find a personal solution for their own life. That is the wrong approach. Your son - and the sons of a million other parents like yourself - should get together, organise, and decide what they are going to do not individually but as a group or movement.

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FranzFerdinand51@reddit

Do NOT seek psychogical help for him. They will put him on medication that will make everything worse and that he will become addicted to.

Such utter nonsense is hard to come by in 2026 but here we are. Who tf do you think you are to say whether or not his son needs therapy or medication? People like you shouldnt be allowed to give advice, idk how long you've been spewing this BS but I hope you didnt prevent anyone from seeking the help they need.

Ugh makes me sick to read.

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Scotsmanryno@reddit

Medication is literally essential for some people, I know you’re trying to help but telling people to avoid psychological help is dangerous and playing with lives

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FranzFerdinand51@reddit

The fact that he's honestly opening up to you is a massive bonus. I was in a very similar situation at 25 and chose to entirely close off, which was the worst thing I couldve done.

The best thing my dad ever did on the other hand was saying I dgaf what youre up to or how down you're feeling, we're having dinner out every weekend. He lived 2 hour drive away from where I went to uni and still lived (grandma left a house to me in the capital). Him taking 6+ hours out of his very busy (both professionally and socially) weekends every single week just to look at my depressed, barely talking face really did a trick on my brain. After 2 months of this I agreed to get professional help (which I always refused, god knows why), after 4-5 months of this I was already slowly getting some sort of motivation back. 10 years on, I couldn't be more thankful to him.

Idk if any of this will help your case, but I wish you the best of luck!

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Mindlesszz@reddit

Does he have a drink/drug problem? I'm not suggesting he does but this sudden spiralling could relate

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MunrowPS@reddit

Excercise, friends, or go be helpful volunteering somewhere...

Hard when your depressed for sure.. i reached out to old mates and made the effort of a decent bit of travel formsocial interaction.. excercise also helps me a lot...

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Stratix@reddit

Not enough information to get a proper indication but this is very common with people with undiagnosed ADHD (even if they don't have much of the hyperactive side).

It can make them very impulsive (starting a new business abroad), and burning out is very common in a world designed around neurotypical people.

Unfortunately, it's very easy to hide. Even from yourself. I did well at school. I was terrible at studying and homework but I worked things out well enough to be good at exams.

My brain is thinking many things at once, I can get very distracted and forgetful, even for important things. It makes sleep very difficult too.

I can concentrate on things I enjoy, but if I don't want to do it, it's very difficult to convince myself to do so. Boredom feels like torture.

I thought all of this was normal, and everyone feels it to some extent. Apparently not.

I am older than your son, I spoke to the doctor a couple of years ago. I thought I was asking for anti depressants, but instead I got an ADHD diagnosis and stimulant medication. Made life easier (but not easy).

If any of that resonates with your son, might be worth looking into.

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Unlikely_You_5015@reddit

Fellow 27 yo here who used to be in a similar position in my late teens and early 20s.

What I think is going on is that he's tried everything to get himself in a better position in life and he's felt shit about his lifestyle and/or he's failed and he's out of ideas and given up on life.

What to about it?

1.Get him into therapy. Preferably a male therapist because men understand eachother much better.

2.Build him up. His confidence and self worth is at an all time low and he NEEDS someone who believes in and wont give up on him.

Do some exercise with him. Helps build some routine, increase his testosterone which will increase his mood and perhaps his motivation.
After maybe a week or so brainstorm with him about what you want in life and different ways to achieve it. Dont give up on him.

That's my 2 pence.

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Compressed_AF@reddit

Yep I been where he's at and I was a similar age as well. Still am but functional enough to go to work at least.

He must must try some meds and therapy if he's got any hope. He clearly had big ambitions and when you have high expectations and don't reach them it can cripple you.

He will need to learn to accept where he is now and adjust his goals sadly. And best hope for that is professional help.

Good luck to you both. He's reaching the age where he's most at risk of making an extremely bad decision so hopefully he gets help and doesn't reject it. Tell him if he feels he has nothing to lose then why not try meds and therapy and see what happens, even of he says it probably won't work (which is what he will likely say).

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yousorusso@reddit

Hey sounds like a kindred spirit. Life sucks for our generation right now. And everyone just wants to put you on pills and make you a good compliant wage slave zombie. I'm sorry he's feeling this way but I promise you he's not alone. I literally had a breakdown and self harmed this morning before work. Its just how things are.

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davey-jones0291@reddit

Something for him to focus on; self sufficiency, maybe learn to grow his own food and learn about living off grid? Jobs wise can he drive? Van or hgv or forklift driving will bring in enough cash to get by and shouldn't be too hard to find. Learn about nutrition.

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FastCarGoBrr@reddit

I would suggest not to be soft or avoidant of the situation, address things as they are, stay grounded and real when you speak to him and get to the heart of issues, by ‘soft’ I mean pandering or trying to sugar coat things. Look maybe he’s run out of reasons to live, or run out of things worth doing essentially, that’s a hard issue to cross, but if you’re there, honest, trying without being pushy or absent, it’ll make a difference.
Don’t pretend to have it all figured out, don’t try to figure him out without him there. The nuance of this situations probably holds a lot of water.

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Ok-Buffalo1724@reddit

Please, take an active role in helping him. I know it's hard and I imagine you have your own life and committments to attend to, but it sounds like he's stuck in a really bad mental health spiral, it's not the kind of thing you can get out of alone, just find a therapist for him at the very least

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Tigerlilly3650@reddit

In addition to counselling or some other mental health support, I recommended volunteering. It will give him a purpose while he's unemployed. It really helped me when I was struggling (I'm a volunteer dog walker with the Cinnamon Trust - highly recommend them!)

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wediealone@reddit

Unfortunately, this was me for a long time. In my case it was depression and anxiety and I needed a psychiatrist (to get on meds) and a therapist to help deal with my low self esteem.

Do you think he’d be open to volunteering somewhere? I know a job is first and foremost, but volunteering really helped me out. It was nice to have a purpose and feel useful, to have people rely on me, and to give back to the community. Once I realized that I was useful to the community/society in general, my self confidence went up and I was able to feel better about myself and branch out into looking for a real job.

It’s hard out there, though. I’m young, I’ve given up on the dream of home ownership. Although, keeping busy is good. It’s a cycle where the more I stayed home, the more depressed I felt, so even just going for a ten minute walk around the block made the depression a little less heavy.

I’d say just be there for him, encourage him, invite him out to outings like family walks, the movies, the beach etc. See if he’ll be open to volunteering once or twice a week, then perhaps he can up the ante, and after that hopefully he’ll feel better and be able to look for a job.

But yes, this is classic depression. I know a lot of folks are skeptical about meds but SSRIs changed my life. See if he’d be open to visiting a doctor and trying them out.

All the best to your family. It’s tough out there and I have a lot of empathy for your child. I hope he’s able to get better. Hugs.

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IcySetting2024@reddit

Drugs ? Depression?

I would monitor him closely.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He used to drugs. He's been sober for 2 months.

Definitely Depression. He's completely lost himself.

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-aLonelyImpulse@reddit

Could a traumatic event have happened to him recently? An assault, abuse, a loss?

Could something in his past have been brought to the surface? He's at the age where childhood trauma often rears its head -- you manage for a while, and then in your late 20s/early 30s run out of steam.

Depression and trauma often look alike, and trauma can cause depression, but in my unfortunate experience trauma requires a different approach to isolated depression. A sudden collapse and withdrawal like this always makes me worried there's a specific triggering event, either recently or buried deep and beginning to surface.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Everything you mentioned there has happened to him.

He originally moved abroad to start a business so he could be with someone he cares a lot about, but after the business failed, he couldn't stay there anymore, so ultimately, he lost her.

When he was homeless, he was assaulted and abused.

He also had a very traumatic childhood. I went to prison and his mother was assaulted by her ex boyfriend infront of him.

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-aLonelyImpulse@reddit

I think this is the root of it all. It seems he's got to a point where he doesn't have the energy to roll with the punches anymore -- and understandably so.

I have a similar history of adverse childhood experiences, homelessness, etc. I really benefited from EMDR therapy, a type of therapy specifically deisgned to integrate trauma into the present and stop it from essentially seeping into and overshadowing everything. I don't recommend therapy lightly, but this is the only thing that made a difference for me. It might be worth looking into, if he want to go down that route.

In the meantime, support, a safe place, a simple routine. Space to lick his wounds and teach himself that he can relax. I don't think work and hobbies will help him right now. He's using all his energy to keep existing, so I would strongly encourage professional support. Citizen's Advice can also point you both towards financial support your son may be entitled to, as well as assistance to help him back into work once he's ready. But you also seem like a supportive and understanding parent and that's worth its weight in gold.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Agree with everything you said there. I think some kind of therapy would be good for him, but he tried therapy last year for a long time and it didn't seem to help.

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JenCarpeDiem@reddit

Have you spoken to his mother about why he was kicked out? I'm sure she didn't do it lightly. It could be important information, and you can't rely on what he tells you because he doesn't seem very reliable right now. It sounds like he isn't as sober as you think he is, because sober people don't disappear for days at a time, and he needs some support.

If he's serious about sobriety, he needs to join a group. There are groups everywhere, and he doesn't have to speak, but he needs to show commitment by going. It's hard to get sober by oneself and if he really means it then he'll go.

I would make sure he registers with your local GP, and urge him to talk to them about his mood. Specifically that he can't motivate to find or keep a job. If they know it's affecting his ability to look after himself, they might be able to prescribe some emergency anti-depressants to try and lift him to a place where he can actually handle seeking real help.

If he won't do that, focus your efforts on what is actually most helpful. "He doesn't go anywhere" should not be seen as a problem when the alternative is "he'll disappear for days." You don't want him to go out alone, but you might want to urge him to go out with you. You got a friend who goes fishing? There any movies you want to go see? A car show nearby that you could do with company for? Lots of free events starting up now we're in the summer, pretend you need a buddy. Act a little vulnerable or stuck or shy about trying something new, and he just might switch gears and try to help you go out. That gets him out of the house and gives him a reason to have a wash, but it doesn't give him space to do anything dangerous.

It just sounds like he's in crisis. Focus on establishing a comfortable routine living together. Don't give him cash in case he's misusing it, but make sure he goes shopping with you so he's never lacking. Work out a budget, get his CV refreshed, ask around if anybody needs some weekend jobs done. If he can drive or even just has a bicycle, he could do some delivery work in the evenings just to get some money coming in. That's work without pressure because he doesn't have to stick to daily commitments.

He really needs help, and you need to be clear about what you can provide and what you can't. This should be a teamwork event now, not just you providing and him taking. He seems like he used to be a real go-getter, starting a business abroad isn't easy, but now you need him to work with you on figuring out his path forward. It's a tough conversation, and I don't envy you at all. Best of luck.

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TumblyBump@reddit

But of a wild card, but what about a career change into the forces. He will need to do four years, and get past tests, but it could give him a new direction in life. Drug use is no longer the barrier to entry it was 30 years ago.

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Rhubarbelle@reddit

I have seen this before with several people who are now mid 30's and on the other side of it. Two pronged medical and counseling intervention. Next step is trade in the big, grandiose expectations for a quick fix for small wins. Do something everyday that will make tomorrow better.Take comparison of what others have done and accomplished by age 27 out of the equation. He is traveling his path and building his life and there is no reason it can't be good. Doing small, kind things for others can help. Getting positive traction is the goal.

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Significant-Crow-974@reddit

Poor fella!
I am sorry!
Sympathies to both of you. It is heartbreaking to be a parent in these circumstances.
I hope that both of you can come out the other side in a happier place.

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No_Ring_3348@reddit

How often does he take a shit and how often does he sleep? Serious questions.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

He goes to the toilet a few times a day. His sleep is actually very good. He sleeps about 8 hours a day.

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No_Ring_3348@reddit

Not opiates and not stimulants then.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

No. He did overdose on Opiates when he was homeless, but he's been sober for 2 months.

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No_Ring_3348@reddit

Then he's either relapsed or he's depressed by sobriety; this is the hardest part of recovery in most cases. Either way, professional help is needed here. Is there an NA group in your area?

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Not to my acknowledgement, but I will look into it and see if there are any that I don't know of.

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thehelliam@reddit

Depression and now drugs. Get the lad help asap

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

I agree. He is sober now, but he does need help.

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ImmediateGas8328@reddit

you're not overreacting. the withdrawal, not caring for himself, disappearing for days, not looking like himself, those are the kind of changes that need someone trained to look at, not something you can carry alone. if you can get him in front of a GP, that's the doorway to real support, and it's worth finding some for yourself too. you clearly haven't given up on him, and right now that matters more than you know

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FranklinJJunior@reddit

He needs to know things will get better. Not all at once. But they can and will improve. Start small and try and get him to focus on one step at a time. That could just be getting up and having a shower or going for a walk.

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snakeoildriller@reddit

Difficult .. he needs coaxing/encouraging back into a happier mindset. As others have suggested, outdoors and daylight is a great helper in that respect. Are there any volunteer opportunities near you, especially ones with an outdoor focus?

For example, our Council is asking for volunteers to help maintain local parks. There's also a mini-woods which needs trimming and tidying. I volunteered to do a day planting trees with a local charity - it ended up being the side of a Yorkshire reservoir and it was back-breaking work but I met some great people. The main thing about things like this is that they're outdoors, free, tools provided, lots of people to chat with. And fun!

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Substantial_Bus5687@reddit

I would refrain from immediately pathologising him or assuming clinical depression is the sole cause of this malaise. What you're describing could just be a natural human response to going through a rough patch and losing his foundation in life. Either way, there is likely no getting around this without a professional therapist or counselor. I highly recommend looking into Existential therapy or coaching to see if it feels like a good fit for his situation:

https://www.dilemmaconsultancy.org/

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cold_tap_hot_brew@reddit

Make sure he knows you love his company.

Speak about his situation as a blank slate, fresh start, opportunity to make decisions without orher commitments …. It’s just one of those phoenix from the ashes stories in the making. No biggie.

Don’t put pressure on to achieve drastic things but get him to consider his options, ambitions & reality.

Daylight is the best disinfectant. Speak about it all unapologeticly & with rational optimism & realistic strategies.

Most importantly right now. Make plans for unimportant things. Go to the cinema. Try a steakhouse. Visit a beauty spot you’ve always wanted to go to but would prefer to do with his company.

Ask him for favours he can achieve :
“Please will you come with me to this painting class and pretend to participate, I’m don’t want to go alone”.

“Please can you water the plants”

Involve him in life and enjoy being with him even if he’s sullen. Dont ignore that like it’s a dirty secret but also make it clear you see past it and are there for him. Let him anchor himself to you.

Best wishes.

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Empty_Bell_1942@reddit

Did he perk up a bit over the sunny weather recently? That'd be a good sign as to whether he's clinically depressed or not. Sounds like he needs a hobby; something exercise related.

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

Not at all. He is getting back in the gym.

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rhysisreddit@reddit

There's been someone posting loads of questions on here lately from the perspective of the 'Son'???

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Routine-Money6330@reddit (OP)

I just made this account today because my friend said it's a good app to ask for advice, so I wouldn't have seen those posts.

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Dizzy-Abroad323@reddit

One of the best things you can do is give him a sense of purpose. Even something simple like DIY in your house. He probably needs some accomplishment to gain some confidence back.

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seshwan33@reddit

Whatever you do - no matter what, make sure he knows how much you love him and want him to feel happy.

If the you need to see a doctor professional help makes him feel like a problem that could be the final straw in an already severe internal depression. And I don’t want you to be that parent who’s spends the rest of their life wishing they have just let him know how much he was loved.

That said I think professional help would be good if he’s up to it and can engage in it.

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conrat4567@reddit

I'm the same age and can relate, but everyone is different. It sounds like a catastrophic series of events has led him to this point. Have you managed to speak to him at all. Sit him down and chat? Sometimes a good chat can be the start of healing.

If you can convince him, get him in to therapy. I know several people, including myself that found therapy to be one of the most effective methods of changing things. People underestimate the power of just talking to someone.

In my opinion, he is lost and wandering aimlessly. Everything he had planned has backfired and he probably feels like a failure. It is imperative he realises he is not. You could try and encourage him slightly. Even if he so much as plugs a lose HDMI cable back into the TV, make him feel good about it and encourage him with positive reinforcement. It sounds childish and basic, but he needs help, and it sounds like you are the only one left in his life that can kickstart that

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Quirky_London@reddit

Seek professional help and good luck. Been there with my own brother. Left him to manage it out for 20years and propped him with some cashflow. Bad call.

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SpeechWeird5267@reddit

Why bad call?

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Quirky_London@reddit

He never moved on, holds all the grudges, 20 years old but not wiser, anxious everyone is out to get one over him.. I am shut down but I trickle money in so there are days i am tolerated rest of the time not. So we can go years with out talking or seeing each other

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fishyfishyswimswim@reddit

Take pressure off. He doesn't need a job right now. Two jobs in one week is a disaster for anyone, nevermind someone already struggling. Let him know he's safe, he has a home, you'll look after him and help him get back on his feet. But first he needs to take a break to stabilise his life - time off where he's not looking for the next job and where he gets to his GP to discuss what's going on. A daily walk (can be just 5 minutes), three meals a day (whatever he'll eat) and a shower daily. That's it until he turns a corner. THEN, he starts doing one thing consistently around the house (can be making one meal for both of you, or opening all the windows to air for ten minutes, or putting on a load of washing). Slowly does it, build him back up bit by bit. Once he's doing a bit better then you can look at jobs and hobbies.

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Aggravating-Fig-9274@reddit

I agree with all the other comments suggesting therapy.. I personally think that try to give him a reason to give up on drugs completely could change his point of view, maybe it’s not his thing, but what about you two going together to a yoga/pilates studio?
This is also suggested by professionals..

I’m sorry you are in this situation and it might take time but it’s important to don’t give up on him and be present

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YogurtclosetThen7959@reddit

Sounds like he needs to get out there and have some fun. If he's not got any financial commitments or major ties he could just go backpacking for a bit doing some wwoofing to gain some skills and have a some time to think about what he wants.

https://wwoof.net/

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Huge_Horse_8945@reddit

The biggest question here is: where is he vanishing for days? I just remember being a depressed 21 year old and falling into a bad crowd surrounded by drugs, however I apologise if that's too big an assumption.

I think he needs a gentle but firm sit down and chat. Why not take him out somewhere for lunch, have a nice time and then ask him what he wants to do for the future because I think he needs to get himself back into work, whether it's temping or volunteer work to pad his CV up.

I apologise if I sound tone deaf BTW, I appreciate the work economy is bad right now.

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Historical-Work6206@reddit

Seek a therapist to find out what happened/ is happening. Are you able to have open conversations with him?

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Major-Damage173@reddit

You've not mentioned him getting any professional help, and I don't understand how your child can go that long without you trying. Even if he is an adult. Maybe try and urge him to speak to his general practitioner. Or find talking therapy

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SpeechWeird5267@reddit

I'm not a parent but it is how I feel.

Does he have any acquitances, peers or friends? Do you know any of them to understand your son?

Does he do anything or just remain distant? If he's being distant, maybe he's suicidal and trying to disconnect and deaden the relationships so there will be less pain. Be careful.

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Garden-Rose-8380@reddit

This may sound odd but there is a book about knowing who you are what you want and job seek8ng that also has a spiritual side and he may find it helps him on direction and getting out of his current situation. It is called What Colour is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles.

It has lots of resources and tests to help you see what kind of person you are and the flower exercise can be really transformative. I wish you both hope and future happiness.

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ZestyMonstera@reddit

A business that pays enough to sustain your travelling is rarely realistic and does not work for most people. I doubt it'll help him to hear that but it takes a lot of time, effort and risk to set up most businesses, usually alongside a salaried job - unless you're freelancing a skill you have and you have a decent established network.

I think finding a job is a key priority, or if you are able to support him for a while, learning a skill or a qualification if there is something he's interested in. Routine is key in these situations. At the same time, try having an open and non judgemental conversation about mental health with him. Unfortunately people can only really get help if they want it and the NHS isn't great for mental health services, but making a start is better than doing nothing and he can speak to the GP.

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blinkinthedark@reddit

Not a parent but please encourage him to see a therapist or self refer through NHS because he sounds depressed, low self esteem and unhappy.

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Individual-Gur-7292@reddit

Please take him to the GP. He is depressed and things will only get worse without help.

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hippiehappos@reddit

Not a parent but seems like something traumatic happened or seriously bad mental health, get him to a GP as a first step, I don’t know the situation of course but anti depressants genuinly have done wonders for me this year for anxiety/ocd type situation. The drugs take the load off to work on it in other ways

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seklas1@reddit

Probably should be gentle with him, offer some help and a psychologist.

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