Not at all. I’ve been at the same retail job for 16 years; when I started I had the idea that “this is the last job-job I’ll ever have”, as my intention was to make money through art/design. Things have changed in my life since then, but I kept it out of having stability of even an hourly wage.

I had hope and this insane level of assurance when with my last partner, who died when we were both 40 three years ago. Still working at that job, but working with him on art projects and with a friend designing merch for his music project. That disappeared. I’m still at that job but so angry about everything that’s happened, including the meaningless way I’ve wasted my life on a job meant for people in their 20’s.

After he died, I moved into an apartment I’d dreamed of “someday” getting to live in when I moved to the city in 2008. It’s in a less-overpriced area of converted artist lofts, each entirely unique. I got a top floor of the same building I’d decided my late partner and I could move to together, I sent him tons of listings over a year and it was the one we both loved. A smaller apartment on the top floor had become available just as I needed to move. It was like magic.

Now I’m taking the bus an hour to and from my dumb job every day. I’d saved up for a used car which would cut the commute more than half, plus help me mentally because I adore driving, but I let a man I’d only knew a few months move in with me and he decided he could start drinking despite a history of addiction he told me about, and holy hell the immediate destruction was something I never imagined and can’t believe I lived through. He turned into a miserable, mean, angry child with a failing body, lost his job immediately, I used up all my car money to cover our bills and food for a year.

Now I’m in my beautiful apartment living with a sober version of him, a 180 degree immediate change. I’m dealing with residual anger every day. I’m still living like a 25 year old paycheck to paycheck with a man who’s now helping me with rent. I don’t have the motivation I used to have. I’m very very tired.