Keeping in contact as you get older
Posted by Dr_Gimp@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 22 comments
Just read a story about an elderly lady and her sister who died because no one checked on them.
Made me think that, as an introvert with no one I talk to on a regular basis other than my spouse, I might need to actively communicate with people if my spouse goes first. One of those, "Hey, haven't heard from you in a few days, everything okay?" No response = wellness check.
EDIT: Link for those interested. NSFW (Elderly woman fused to wheelchair)
Solid_Association_49@reddit
My mom was a recluse who hated everyone, talked to no one except me and even that was infrequent. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour (inoperable) and started having issues with memory and motor function as a result. I tried convincing her to move to a care home and she got angry and cut me off except to take her to dr appointments. Hadn’t spoken to her in ten days and tried to get ahold of her to remind her I’d be picking her up for an mri the following morning. She’d had a stroke about a week earlier and we found her on the living room floor.
Honestly the stroke taking her was the best outcome but I feel guilty that she wasn’t found for a week. Talk to people. I make a point to talk to my dad almost daily now.
AZPeakBagger@reddit
My brother is a recently retired cop and the stories he has about doing wellness checks would give you nightmares. Worst ones were people that passed away who had pets. Your cute little lap dog Fido will view you as a food source after a few days of not getting fed. He showed me a picture of the scene while I was eating to try to gross me out and it worked.
violet715@reddit
I was the county coroner. This is absolutely true. I had someone whose dog had eaten an entire limb.
MikeM917@reddit
I worried this might turn out to be my destiny until it occurred to me: Who cares? I mean, really. If I am the last one left, and no one finds me for a week, a month, or even longer, what does it matter? I’ll be dead. It wouldn’t be as if I’m there counting the minutes until somebody comes.
One thing for sure; it won’t be indefinite. Unpaid bills guarantee someone is going to come knocking sooner or later.
bigredthesnorer@reddit
Well, think about the poor person that finds you - police, fire, landlord, neighbor. We found a relative after at least three days of her death, and it was a horrific experience. How she died (sick, puke, all of it) required a hazmat team to clean up. And it took a long time to get the smell of death out of her condo.
SquirrelBowl@reddit
An older person in my neighborhood died this winter from hypothermia in her home. She used to be the neighborhood president. Seems like at least someone would have checked in with her. I had never met her. I’m sad about it every time I drive by her house.
KaitB2020@reddit
There are many areas that have elder well check programs.
My mom signed up for it. My gran was on it too. They, mom & gran, would just call a specific phone number belonging to the police department designated for this program. They’d just say they were checking in. The officer marks them off on their list. If you miss your call for any reason, they’ll call you, if you don’t answer they’ll send someone over to physically check. Mom & gran had an extra key to the house made so the cops could get in without breaking down the door or window.
I’m glad mom signed up. I talked to her on the phone about once a week & went over every other week. She was active & independent. But accidents happen. I had planned to call her on Monday. Obviously I would go over if she didn’t answer. It was Sunday & the cops came knocking on my door to tell me she had fallen & had a terrible head injury. She missed her Sunday check in. They called, no answer. They found her on the floor at the bottom of a set steps going into a storage area of the house. It has a concrete floor.
I pieced it together later. She was on a stool either taking something down or putting it away from the cabinet above the refrigerator. There’s a door going to that storage area right next to the fridge & it was open. She fell from the stool through the open door down the steps and landed on her head on the concrete.
It’s not the type of injury you survive. By the end of the week my mom was gone.
I’m glad it was the police who found her on Sunday & not me on Monday or Tuesday. It was bad enough as it was. I can’t imagine being the one to find her like that.
Look into your local police department programs. Most have simple elder well check like that. In my town it’s a free service. Call the non emergency line & they’ll help you.
MaximumJones@reddit
If you are a total introvert you can easily expect to lay in your own bodily fluids until the neighbors smell you and call the cops.
You might want to make a friend or two.
drifter3026@reddit
If I outlive my spouse, I will set up a once-a-day text message (or whatever the current technology is) system with my kids.
takisara@reddit
I had a neighbour pass away - he was 81. I felt horrible for worrying about bothering him. I saw him just before Christmas and chatted. Then I didn't see him and I thought, Oh Christmas - he went to see his grown kids...and then oh he has arthritis, he probably is at his cottage. I would see his car occasionally in the driveway and would stop and think, nah I won't bother him. Easter weekend I saw his son in the garage, so I stopped to ask about him. Said I hope the winter hasn't been too hard on him. He cut me off to say he died Dec 24th and that was essentially the end of the conversation...
RevToy@reddit
Buddy and I send memes back and forth all day. If one of us stopped I’m pretty sure the other would be concerned.
Affectionate-Map2583@reddit
My state (Maryland) has a program for those over 60, where they'll call you every day at the time of your choice. If you don't answer after a few automated calls, they move on to your POC, and then the police. Seems like a great idea and you can check to see if your state offers something like this.
https://aging.maryland.gov/programs-and-services/senior-call-check
Ok_Explorer604@reddit
I regret clicking on that link, that's so sad!
I'd like to think I'd end it myself if I ever got to a stage where I couldn't take care of myself. But, I also know that our wishes and thoughts aren't always married to reality, which has a way of never turning out as we expect or plan.
alpacamade@reddit
A word of caution...
Before calling the police, or upsetting a next-of-kin designee, consider texting your friend, "Hey, I've got an half hour before I have to be somewhere tomorrow and thought of you. I'll be on your side of town, can I bring you anything from the specialty shop, coffee shop, pharmacy?"
Going to your friend's house unannounced, probably isn't the best solution unless you've made explicit arrangements. Calling the police to do a "wellness" check is a last resort, when no other people are available. It takes time and resources most police departments are not budgeted for, at scale.
This actually, nearly happened to me, not that long ago. A friend told me the police were almost called because I didn't answer my door.
My response, "Did you leave a note? Normal people would leave a note, be normal."
"Ahhhhh, nope."
That day at that time, I was at the grocery store. ¯\(ツ)/¯
snark_maiden@reddit
Well, there’s a reason I call my 88-year-old mother every day. She’s still active and in reasonably good health for her age, but she lives alone and since she gave up her driver’s licence she can’t get out and about (and talking to people) nearly as easily as before.
Aussiechicky@reddit
Good for you but we are talking about those of us who have no one... Or anyone to check on...
salamandah99@reddit
I just recently found out that someone I knew died at his home and was not found for a month. He lived alone, kind of rural and had a dog. I thought he had more people to check on him. It makes me so sad. And for anyone asking, the dog is fine, one of the EMS people dispatched to the scene took the dog home and contacted the local animal shelter.
JakeBanana01@reddit
I'm 60M, married (63F). I am utterly convinced I am going to die because I fall over and hit something critical. Living alone, I'll lie there unable to move, my dogs and cats becoming increasingly agitated, hungry and... well...
I already have a few friends with whom we've agreed, should we wind up single, daily phone calls!
Waesrdtfyg0987@reddit
If my partner is not around, I'd definitely move away into a solitary place. Just need good medical available as I age and my kids be able to get to me but beyond that I don't want anything to do with others. I'll take care of my dog, my house, and find some solo hobbies.
mlo9109@reddit
Oof, this is something I'm starting to consider as someone who is facing aging alone. I'm in the limbo zone of being "too young" for LifeAlert but also "old enough" for a "real" emergency to happen (heart attack, stroke, etc.) I'm also "too old" and let's be honest, too creeped out, to share my location with my friends. There has to be a better way as more of us age without spouses or kids.
orthographerer@reddit
There's an app, Snug Safety, for those of us who tend to keep to themselves.
KurtStation68@reddit
'Fused To Wheelchair' - that just doesn't sound good.
Fortunately elderly parents being cared for by family. If I was to go, it'd be at work, no real contact - my roommate would probably have anyone to contact. Some of us really don't know a lot.