Older expats... | TheaterFire

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Lucky_Astronomer_435@reddit

My partner and I have discussed this as we are actively selling our stuff in preparation for moving overseas.

We have had many discussions of how my partner will live if I die before her. She is 8 years younger and I have a couple of long term conditions that may contribute to a life that ends before the average life expectancy.

Without getting into details I take medication to keep my disease in check (blood thinners) and we both are into our health, keeping our weight low and our nutrition high with clean eating.

I’m 64 and she is 56. Our plan is to be in community if possible and hire local people to help care for her and our place not only being paid but being heir to our home and any monies we have left at the end. (No kids /ittle family) We will start looking for these people as soon as we get settled.

Legally I will make sure she has life rights to the property and when she passes our caregivers will get the property and money we have left if they want it.

We will also keep a place we will rent to someone back in the states in case she feels she needs to move back for medical care or for other reasons.

Learning the language and integrating with locals is also part of the plan as much as we can.

We know that we will lose expat friends due to death or them leaving the country that adds to the potential loneliness but we are preparing mentally for that. We are both pretty self sufficient in terms of interests and things we do on our own but aware that infirmity could make that difficult and life could become depressing without enough friends and connections.

But honestly it’s no different if we were to stay in the states. Most people we know that are older are in that boat now. We visit them to help them combat loneliness and will probably need similar as we age.

There’s no guarantee that you will be supported wherever you go in this life. The important thing is to think about it, plan for it the best you can and cultivate a personal growth mindset with maturity so we can withstand what’s to come as we age.

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Elden_Crowe@reddit

I’m 57 now and live a very solitary life. Thank you for illuminating the dangers and price of this path.

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peachymoonoso@reddit

I already have no friends so I imagine being 75 won’t be any different for me but I hope to meet people when I move. I hope that for you too.

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howard499@reddit

Maybe you won't be so keen when all they want to do is talk through their medical issues in real time and otherwise be not the slightest bit interested in what others have to say other than as a springboard back to themselves.

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

So you've met all my acquaintances then? 😂😂. Yes! So maybe it's not Thailand and maybe it's not my age maybe it's not my peers.... maybe it's just society not giving a f*** about other people via simple conversation. I've noticed a huge decline with people actually listening to me...and I've noticed it with other conversation... Most people nowadays are simply waiting for their turn to talk.

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Anonymous30005000@reddit

Yes and both my parents and siblings have passed away when I’m only in my 30’s so I already can’t say “remember when” to anyone about my childhood memories

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seachimera@reddit

Hah. Yeah. Same here.

I had a very active social life until my mid-40s and then it mostly went away. Moved to a new country in my early 50s. Haven’t made a friend yet! Not really anyway.

But I knew this was likely to happen before I moved and I am at peace with it.

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goldenvisa6387@reddit

That last line hit hard. As we get older, it's not just the people we lose—it's the shared memories and the people who were there when those memories were made. Wishing you good health and hoping you find new connections in Thailand, even if they can never fully replace the old ones If you need a more specific breakdown for your situation, feel free to check my profile

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One-Promise2495@reddit

yes thank you for sharing. i was told about this as we age. i was advised to create a tribe. i do not know how, but must start with like minded, financially stable, spiritually minded individuals. 3 or 4 people living in a giant house and share the expenses. there is no guarantee that the members in your originial tribe will still be around as we age, but hopefully you can replace each other as we depart the world one by one. sounds simple, but i highly doubt, its this easy, but i havent tried yet. hire help to cook and clean. you too should take this under consideration. if i ever start a tribe...i let you know.

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deep-sea-balloon@reddit

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Idk how it is in Thailand, but where I live, it's really difficult to build a community for many foreigners, unless they arrive with the purpose of joining a minority or ethnicity cultural group. That wasn't me and I've been here for many years, have tried everything and have zero friends.

While quite far from classical retirement age, what you're speaking about has weighed on my mind. Many people are isolated as they move up in age, even those who live in their origin countries. It's a growing problem even if you're not foreign. After my experience, though, I feel I be more powerful to combat that in my natal culture and language.

I look at my in-laws here, who are in their 70s. They made an active push to build up a community less than ten years ago by joining clubs, etc. and they were very successful. But, they're from here and I am not. They still have that decades long history to lean on with some people. I do not. They are locals, and I am not - people around us differentiate based on that.

We should also be mindful that none of us knows how our health will be in later years, which can make it even more difficult to combat isolation. For these reasons and more, I will likely return to where I'm from, well before that stage of life.

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Numerous_Car650@reddit

This can be true anywhere, even in your country of origin.

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

Absolutely not. A 15k. km distance between family is a big deal...hence my post

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susiedotwo@reddit

Do you visit your family? Do they visit you?

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

In the past 50 years I've traveled about 45 times to the UK to see family. They traveled to me... Three times

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adaniel65@reddit

I'm sorry about that. It's only 11 hours nonstop from UK to Thailand. I still recall something as simple as me joining the US Army. I was stationed just 4 hours by plane in Colorado. In all my time there only one of my sisters visited me, and it was mainly for us to drive to visit my oder sister in California. That happened only once and never again. I was 20 at the time. These days my brothers and sisters are in the same city. Hardly ever a visit from them. I'm 61 now so I am used to living independently with my wife and daughter and that's fine by me. That's just life sometimes. I also have a pretty physically active lifestyle which I enjoy hitting the beach or a bike ride etc. I think in the end we gotta make the best of the life we live with and share it with those who care to join us.

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Forward-Smile-5531@reddit

No, my dad is a little older than you and has lived in the same place for over 40 years. Every one of his friends is dying, moved to be close to grandkids, etc. You're in the season of life that is lonely no matter where you live

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Selko29@reddit

It is, eldery loneliness is a really big thing in the West.

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ephesusa@reddit

Crazy, considering the amount of elderly

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Distinguishedflyer@reddit

umm no. same thing as happening to me staying in the country. So it doesn't generalize out.

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seachimera@reddit

Family doesn’t equal friends. Not in my experience.

I have plenty of family around me, only two of them I consider friends.

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justmyopinionkk@reddit

All true near or far but far does make it harder for visits.

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Quagga_Resurrection@reddit

No, it is not. It can happen, but it's less likely to since closer = easier to keep up relationships. This was one of the major takeaways from covid. A number of studies indicated that physical proximity was the single most important factor in maintaining close connections, even moreso than free time, since it enables higher frequency of visits and more communication about common events (i.e. local weather or hosted events).

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

Exactly!

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nurseynurseygander@reddit

I hear you and I’m sorry you’re feeling it. I’m the younger partner in my marriage and, barring something that flips the usual order, I can expect to end my life alone, and keenly feel the potential for what you’re talking about. For what it’s worth though, I think most elderly people find this even if they stay in their home country, unless they can cultivate a close relationship on the same street. Visiting dries up a lot with age, I think.

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phillyphilly19@reddit

I think one of the things that got me through the decision to not have a partner is that one way or another, most of us do end up alone, unless we go first. I'm finding it takes far more effort to stay connected to people now that I have all this time which seems odd to me. I know it's going to take real effort and I'm working on it.

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phillyphilly19@reddit

I spent years romanticizing what it might be like to be an expat. I got interested because I earned a modest salary and live on a modest retirement even though I have substantial savings. Where I always got stuck is the idea of starting over in a new place, and potentially just making friends with other Americans who are expats, which is the opposite of the experience I wanted. I've just retired and I've had one friend who has moved to the Philippines with his wife because she is from there, an acquaintance who moved to Thailand because that was his dream. My friend who has the wife now has a business and he is taking care of her and her extended family there. I just will never understand him leaving all his friends and family here to start up a whole new thing over there. The other acquaintance is still kind of in the honeymoon phase and posting some food and things, but I just don't see where the happiness is. My friends and family are in this country. I knew if I don't see them all the time I can see them anytime I want. I'm afraid your post has borne out what I suspected the whole time. But I also will say that part of what you wrote is just a fact of getting older. We lose people either by loss of connection or death, and that is a fact of life. I wish you well my friend.

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adaniel65@reddit

[We lose people by loss of connection or death, and that is a fact of life] Very true. Absence is another reason. I have found that once we are no longer present/active in people's lives, whether at work, at school, parties, get togethers, weekends, or simply the occasional visit, our lives slowly drift away..... I am 61M and that has been my experience. Peace ✌️

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phillyphilly19@reddit

Do you ever think of going home?

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DigAlternative7707@reddit

I'm in the same boat at 58 and my Thai wife of 9 years said recently out loud what we were both thinking, "I don't love you, but I stay for our business."

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adaniel65@reddit

Woah! Sorry about that.

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DigAlternative7707@reddit

Nah, it's better than living a lie.

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adaniel65@reddit

Understandable.

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ColdBloodedWings@reddit

I know exactly what you’re feeling as I experienced this myself at a very young age first time I became an expat. I did value my old friends and family but they moved on without me and didn’t value me the same way. I was devastated, isolated and desperate for connection, I tried everything then I realized that loneliness is not a condition you can prevent with treatment, it’s a constant companion, is the only guarantee, anything else is the exception. So I accepted that being lonely sporadically or permanently is part of life not a fate reserved for bad people that somehow made bad choices and didn’t value people enough . You can be lonely in a marriage, in a house full of children, in a room full of friends and also when everyone leaves. We treat loneliness like a cancer and the way we view it makes it so. Loneliness is a consequence of being human. You can do it, you came into this world alone and that’s how you’re gonna go.

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Bravesouless@reddit

That is so true.

However, the desire for connection and belonging is also ingrained in us, as humans. I think that's why we're all struggling.

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ColdBloodedWings@reddit

Absolutely loving connection is the other side of the coin. Is like hunger and eating.

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thekonghong@reddit

What city are you in?

I'm still working with a family outside of LOS, but used to live in BKK and go back regularly. Have you been to Hua Hin? I was there last year to watch the Bangkok Beatles at Father Teds (they are so good!) and at 52 years old I was the youngest non-Thai in the place. Lot's of older expats both singles and couples. There seems to be a large older expat community there more than what I've found in BKK. (Older BKK expats seem mainly guys in bars all day, every day so don't get stuck in that rut.)

Check out Hua Hin and go see the Beatles as an excuse to mingle with the other expats.

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Expensive_Sink1785@reddit

Expat in the Philippines for 20 years 61 years — I spend a lot of time on my own (travel on my own), but there are quite a few venues for community: (here for one), your local expat tavern with a willingness to talk to people (you can drink coffee/water, if it's not your thing to drink), ex-pat groups, volunteer organizations, etc.

If you're looking for a human connection, you probably have to make the effort.

One thing that connects me to the locals in my neighborhood is my daily walk, where I see the route regulars in the morning and greet anyone who makes eye contact. I started that a few months ago, and it makes a huge difference in my day.

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donpaulo@reddit

I've found it best to follow a few ideals

Reduce expectations, ideally to zero
Define "friendships" vs "kindred spirits" vs "acquaintances"

3, Remain open to making new acquaintances based upon learning something new or exploring other hobbies

So many older people just don't want to branch out and seek new experiences. Having lived outside my home country for over 2 decades I always am learning something new. I don't filter how, why or who are providing the input, I'm just thankful for gaining it. More importantly I am open to listening to it, wherever it comes from.

Choose a hobby that we enjoy and meet quality people who we can hope to forge some kind of lasting relationship with. At least that is what has worked for me so far...

Take pleasure in what our environment offers us, rather than focusing on the time before, think about the possibility of what comes next.

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ActuatorSmall7746@reddit

When the politics started to swinging hard towards MAGA, me 68 at the time and my partner 76, were looking to relocate to Mexico, Costa Rico, Belize or Amsterdam. Ultimately, we decided to stay put due to our ages and everything/everyone that mattered would still be here in the U.S. Besides we just didn’t want to deal with adapting to a totally new culture and language. At our age nothing was going to be easy about being an expat.

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VirtualHydraDemon@reddit

This is a valuable perspective .. I’ve always wanted to know how expat life matures to be.

Did you make new friends in each of the countries you stayed? How long did those friends keep in touch and vice versa? Being an expat nurturing friendships is something I try my best to do, sometimes even spending money visiting and also inviting them to my current place. However I do worry that they may dry down with time or geographic distance .

I’d like to know your thoughts about it if possible

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

Great question. I was born in the UK...only family stays in touch. No connections left from my 2 years in Australia ...it was waaaay before the internet. I lived in USA 38 years and after about 5 years of communicating my American friends were either dead or simply vanished.

Male friendships especially, require men to be geographically closer to each other... to sit down and have a coffee or a beer. Women are much better at staying in touch as pen pals or living in different countries...men... not so much.

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rkwalton@reddit

I've always gone out of my way to nurture my friendships with people that I know, but that makes sense. I lived abroad for almost 9 years, and it was one of the reasons (not the only) I moved back home.

I mean things aren't great here (the USA) for older adults either, but there are resources like senior centers. Is there any way to meet older adults where you are?

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Long_Return_275@reddit

I am still in my late 20s but I moved out of my country 8 years ago and I already feel like I am losing connection with a few close family members (mostly cousins). I want to just keep in touch with them but it gets so difficult with work, classes and building a network in this country.

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adaniel65@reddit

What country did you leave and what country are you in now?

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Chisoll@reddit

thanks for sharing these nice words. reality check wisdom... wish you all the best.

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Long_Return_275@reddit

Quick question - is there a reason why friends and family do not want to stay in touch now?

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askialee@reddit

Well, I don't have a lot of friends in my own country🤷‍♂️.

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askialee@reddit

I thought most expats move to the Philippines or thailand and start up a new family.

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laduzi_xiansheng@reddit

75? happened at 35!

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LoverOfTabbys@reddit

lol same…

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natural-situation420@reddit

I'll take solitude over slavery any day of the week.

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LoverOfTabbys@reddit

Meaning if you stayed in the US you’d have to keep working?

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MGTOWManofMystery@reddit

Isn't it very possible you'd be alone back in your home country too? Find group activities.

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MGTOWManofMystery@reddit

Join group activities. Even something like Dungeons & Dragons (which can be played online too).

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retrosenescent@reddit

This is why learning the local language is so important. You can't rely on people to speak your language.

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iyimuhendis@reddit

One and only God is your best friend. Nevermind people . Be good to others, help them, believe in 1 God that's your goal now. Fyi i am younger but as far as friends not so different from you.

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EnergyHopeful6832@reddit

❤️

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oreo-cat-@reddit

If it helps, my mom is about your age and lots of her friends have “moved somewhere warmer” or “moved closer to the kids”. While being an expat probably doesn’t help, you’re not the only one who has to deal with distance

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Top-Half7224@reddit

A cautionary tale indeed, a lot of retirees move right at the point in life when they will need friends and family more than ever. I visit an 80 year old friend in a nearby care home, he is surrounded by people who dont speak his language, or understand what he is like, and is so incredibly lonely. His children can only travel here a few times a year.

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Actual_Cygnus@reddit

Very true! That's scary!

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KillBosby@reddit

Damn...you're living my biggest fear.

40-year-old nomad considering settling down in the rat race for the first time

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peladoclaus@reddit

My love and stay strong my friend. You're never too old to make new friends and enjoy life!

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up-country@reddit

"This is the business we've chosen"

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perryurban@reddit

Go hashing. Hash House Harriers.

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

I did. But I don't drink anymore,☺️☺️

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perryurban@reddit

Doesn't mattwe, you're not forced, and it's an amazing network.

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Magg5788@reddit

In all my experience with 3H they’re not gonna puss a 75-year-old to drink if he doesn’t want to. But I get that it can be annoying to be the only sober one.

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Remarkable_Method360@reddit

I know several members in their 70s, so yeah that could be a source of enjoyment and comaraderire for this 75 year guy, and depending where he resides in Thailand, I was surprised there was a hash house harriers in Peurto Galera, the Philippnes !

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Far_Establishment999@reddit

I'm almost 60 and emigrated over five years ago with my wife. We're going back home in a few months. I don't need a lot of friends, but zero is unsustainable for me. My grandparents, who didn't emigrate, went through some of what you described because of their age, but I know it's exaggerated because of being in a different country/culture. And our situation isn't even that extreme: southwestern US to Atlantic Canada.

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No_Tap1188@reddit

As a mitigation but not necessarily a remedy or preventive, it makes me think I should hang out with younger people. Make friends in my new home (new country). I'm not yet at any advanced age but already retired and definitely thinking about the same situation. Although lucky or unlucky me, I already have nearly zero previous connections due to the same — family deaths and many going silent.

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Healthy_wavezea@reddit

It happens when you're not an expat. My father died at 71 and had a huge party of a funeral. My mother is still going strong, but has outlived almost everyone she's ever known.

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Eastern-Rooster-2805@reddit

I'm 65 and have always been in a state of trying to meet new people, coming from a minimal family and moving often. But now I realize it's more important than ever and not as easy. My current friends are all busy taking care of grandchildren.

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IndependentCoast7806@reddit

Hi. I am in Nonthaburi. Let me know if you would like to meet for a cup of coffee / tea. I am 46 yo male from Hungary worked in IT.

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world_warri0r@reddit

Stay strong, this indeed can happen anywhere and if you have kids or not! Take good care and thanks for sharing! 🙏

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Luci_Cooper@reddit

I still live here and I already have the remember when but the people are gone so I don’t think it matters where I’m at it will just happen that’s life

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Aware_Reveal6329@reddit

Yikes I'm 30 and barely have any friends now! This isn't looking good!

But perhaps try senior travel groups or hiking groups. I have a friend in his 60s who does this.

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Few_Interaction_2411@reddit

Make friends where you are, my dad lives in Thailand and goes to a quiz every week to be with fellow ex pats!

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BeachTigerCat@reddit

Same though I’m still rooted in the states but looking at where to land when I’m finally able to stop working

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Expensive-Worker-582@reddit

Ive been thinking about making a thread for a while to which you might offer guidance...

I left the UK 15 years ago and lived in a variety of countries..

I imagined I would return to the UK in my later years, however all my siblings left and now have passports and very settled lives elsewhere (US/Australia)...

I'm thinking of making the move to Australia soon to get citizenship... I have about a 2 year time window where it would make sense. I now have a lot of family in Australia.... and I am thinking that when I'm in my 60s/70s being able to move in and out of Australia with citizenship would be great. It would mean spending 5 years there when I maybe would prefer to spend it in Thailand...

Any advice. Im late 30s currently.

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cpepnurse@reddit

Where are you? We’re always looking for new friends. I’ll be leaving Greece again because of residency issues. Will probably hit Thailand Oct/Nov. at least the end of November in Chiang Mai. I’ve always wanted to attend the lantern festival. I worry about being alone eventually as well since my husband is 22 years my senior. It’s common. You’re in the expat groups though so see if anyone wants to meet for a coffee or to explore together. If you don’t put yourself out there you’re not going to meet any people.

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tshawkins@reddit

I have hit 67 and im in Bangkok, aside from my wife we dont really have any aquantances. however im not somebody who needs much social contact and Im quite comfortable with my own company.

Never really saw the point in seeking out people from the old country, I left the UK 20 years ago to seek out new experiences, not to search out gettos of the past.

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Bokbreath@reddit

it's not just friends. You've got to consider your end of life situation. How you manage if you need aged care. Do you want to die where you are. That sort of thing.

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Wizerud@reddit

Some people think about these things before they leave. It helps a lot if you're very comfortable being alone before you ever set out.

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

Well, Yes I was very comfortable living alone I spent 35 years of my adult life living alone, but this last few years has been the most difficult.... things change

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FishYouWereHere777@reddit

I’m 44 and living alone in Thailand as well. It’s not a big deal. Definitely better than living alone in my home country or being alone in a relationship/family.

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Interesting_Relief64@reddit

I'm sure you have had an interesting life it's to bad at the end you don't have anyone to enjoy it with. This is very sad and depressing good luck on your journey my friend

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1happykamper@reddit (OP)

THIS! Yes.. I've lived an amazing life, so far. But sitting with someone who can relate to my journey is very difficult to find. Relatable experiences are a joy to share.

What miss the most is saying this "...do you remember when we....".

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JeromeZilcher@reddit

I feel for you! It is a very general cautionary tale, expat or not.

Do you at least have any hobbies to keep you going?

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ThrowDeepALWAYS@reddit

Go visit a Buddhist - your answer is inside of you and it always was

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Edi-Iz@reddit

That really hits hard. I think a lot of people imagine the freedom and adventure side of the expat life, but not always the loneliness that can slowly come with it over the years.

The part about friendships disappearing one by one is honestly sad, but also very real. Life moves quietly sometimes, and suddenly the people who were part of your story for decades are no longer there in the same way.

Wishing you peace and some meaningful new connections in Thailand. Even one good conversation or friendship can still make a huge difference at any age.

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phishow@reddit

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Good luck and Godspeed

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Just-Here2-Learn@reddit

This is why when I fully fire at the end of this year I'll do 2 months home 4 months Philippines/Thailand, then 2 months home again. Plus it will give me something to look forward to. I do understand not all can do this as I'm fortunate enough to keep my home in the states.

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RidetheSchlange@reddit

This is why it's so important, if you move overseas, to embrace your current life and not try to carry your old life over into the new one. I tell people if they move overseas, really integrate with where they are and don't become an exclave of your old life and country or you'll be sorry.

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Imperterritus0907@reddit

That’s what happens when you decide to call yourself an expat instead of an immigrant…. No offense.

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BirdBarrister@reddit

As an older world wanderer myself, man this hits hard. I'm in Thailand right now brother. Reach out if you need someone to talk to.

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LoverOfTabbys@reddit

Thanks for being honest. I didn’t have kids and I plan to move abroad when I’m older so if I’m lucky to live as long as you this will probably happen to me too. Is there a community of expats there that you can hang with? I watched a video of a female expat in Vietnam who volunteered and built a community over there w other expats

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Both-Basis-3723@reddit

We are alone except sometimes we aren’t. Mentor, teach, join some clubs. It helps. I’ve found that the real friends tend to stick around. Until they don’t. Thailand is a great place to study the impermanence of life. Be strong

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howard499@reddit

Sometimes one finds that what was thought to be a long-term stable friendship eventually shatters from unexpected fragility in that relationship. Your success in life might have been holding a mirror to their perceived lack thereof. The resentment eventually blows.

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DenseSyntax@reddit

The expat angle makes it sharper though because you've got the distance working against you on top of everything else, like even if you wanted to lean on old friends back home it's a whole flight away and by 75 everyone's dealing with their own stuff so the effort just stops happening.

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