ULPT Wedding Gift

Posted by MelodicGovernment646@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 152 comments

I was invited to a wedding. I have no idea why I was invited. This person used to be a good friend, and we were friends for probably around 20 years. We never saw each other often due to distance. But a few years ago I moved somewhat close to him. We met up for dinner one time and his girlfriend didn’t seem to like me. So no problem. I just decided to stay away, went back to texting and memes and whatnot. He does kind of get on my nerves with asking for money and help and for me to co-sign. I politely decline but have at times sent him food or helped him out when it was really needed.

About this time I asked I if could use him as a reference, as we used to do that all the time. Not too much later, he called me for advice one day and in the middle of the conversation he said “just a minute” and set the phone down. While I waited, I heard her go off on a rant about me for like 15 mins. I stuck around to hear how she/they really felt about me.

So ok then. I decided not to have anything to really do with them. I don’t reach out but I will politely respond to messages or text. Not phone calls because I don’t want to. Anyway, come to find out, he gave me a terrible review!

There is so so much more I could say but I want to remain anonymous and a lot of it feels pretty specific to the people.

So, after a few years of just not talking much at all, I got an invite to the wedding. I set it aside, didn’t open it for a few weeks until he reached out to see if I got it. I did. It asks for an rsvp. I’m not going. I can only assume that they invited me hoping for a gift or something?

So. Maybe I should send a gift? What are some of the worst gift ideas you can think of?

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

If you really want to piss them off RSVP that you'll be attending the wedding and bring a plus one of you can. That way they'll have to pay for your meal(s).

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n_diamond@reddit

And no gift lol

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Living_Associate_611@reddit

What’s a gift that would also cost them money?

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One-Juggernaut-4062@reddit

Glitter and scorpions. Have it delivered to their home after the honeymoon. They will never get rid of the glitter or the fear of a tiny scorpion crawling into their shoes or bed.

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OldnBorin@reddit

wtf Satan

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

r/FoundSatan

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One-Juggernaut-4062@reddit

gif

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Arry42@reddit

A pony!

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john_the_fetch@reddit

A literal white elephant!

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Living_Associate_611@reddit

The amount of sunscreen you’d need to buy would be horrible

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Shazam1269@reddit

Just a card, but write Congratulations! The exclamation point tells them you are excited for the union, and the zero gift tells them you really don't give a shit.

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MangeurDeCowan@reddit

what about congratulations1... because you also don't give a shift.

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HuntersGathers@reddit

🥁🥁🐍

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kevinh456@reddit

This is the way. It’s gonna cost them like $40-$50 if you RSVP.

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Decent-Coconut2419@reddit

If there’s a chance it costs the brides family, not him, don’t do this lol

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cubemissy@reddit

The bride is the one who dislikes OP enough to rant about him while he is on the phone. She can suck it.

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Decent-Coconut2419@reddit

My guess is OP is not innocent here 🤣 but I’ll admit I skimmed the original post and missed that it was her ranting

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Creepy_old_man_in_IL@reddit

Sounded like she's a twatwaffle.

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kevinh456@reddit

The bride is the main reason they’re not bros anymore. She Yoko-ed. The straw that broke the camels back was her literally complaining for 15 mins while she forced bro to have a bitch fest op could hear.

If the invite isn’t a gift request, it’s bro insisting op be invited as a way to rekindle the friendship.

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bbrekke@reddit

Nah, fuck em. They'll hold it against him, so it's a win.

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AnniemaeHRI@reddit

RSVP yes but don’t go.

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SuitableExercise7096@reddit

I'd go late, leave early.

Get wasted at the open bar, eat obnoxisouly, then leave!

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carpetwalls4@reddit

Exactly!! Make them pay and also have an empty seat!!

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ArtSlug@reddit

RSVP for two and then ghost them forever - do not attend wedding or respond to anything from them ever. They are rotten- and they just want to harvest a gift (esp since they assume you have money (by the mention of him asking for it earlier). F that noise.

You shouldn’t be this nice to users like him/them so let this be your final send off!

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Flux_My_Capacitor@reddit

Yeah but then you’ve wasted a day you could be doing something better

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Apprehensive-Wait783@reddit

A travel kit with gum, mouthwash, toothpaste, and toothbrush with a note saying since you noticed she has a dirty mouth she could this or if you want to come out swinging have the note saying since she talks so much shit you thought she would want to at lease have a fresh breath on her honeymoon.

A Groupon voucher for Botox to help with her frown lines.

An A&P book with a marker showing the chapter on the spine and a note for him so he could find where his is.

A bottle of Ky Jelly and the great American challenge toy so he can go F himself.

A scrapbook of all the times you’ve ordered them food, done favors, and printed text messages of him asking for shit with the final page having a letter saying you knew he invited you only for a present, you heard what she said during those 15 minutes he kept you on hold, and you know he left you a bad review.

Rent a pony for the day of the wedding for the lovely day.

Go and take his ex as your +1

Go and anytime you talk to someone make sure you let everyone know you were surprised they invited you since you heard the bride speaking bad about you for over 15 minutes after you’ve sent them food and money over the years or how you’re surprised they could have such a grandiose wedding since he’s consistently asked you for money, food delivery, and to co-sign shit for him/them over the years.

Bring a bucket of KFC to eat during the ceremony. When they ask if if anyone objects wave a half eaten drumstick in the air and say you cant stand to see your buddy go thru with this not knowing she doesn’t like you bc you turned her down when she hit on you when he got up to use the restroom the first time you met her.

Jane Fonda workout vhs bc Sir Mix a lot mentioned them so they must be good

A used and disassembled charcoal grill with the box taped back up.

A hooked on phonic set bc they are a set of dumb b’s

Sometimes you can donate money to zoos and get to name a pair of hissing cockroaches. Use their names

A box of clairol hair dye for her and just for men in black af dye for him. Say you noticed last time their roots were coming in and you thought they’d want to look good for the wedding

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glory_scales@reddit

Attend so you get free food. You can buy a nice giftcard with nothing loaded and write 100 on it

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

Or something that would cost them money like $15 to red lobster. They would have to go into their pocket to use it!

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ctjanjic1@reddit

This and also buy one for a place you know they would never spend money at otherwise. Don’t write how much is on it. For example, if the closest red lobster is 45 min away, they might make a trip out of it only to realize they still have to spend a bunch of their own money.

I realize that they could check the balance by calling the number on the back of the card, but they sound dense enough not to.

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

And write a crazy value on the card like $250!

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Flux_My_Capacitor@reddit

Not really. They could get an app to go for under $15.

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bbrekke@reddit

So $5.

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kevinh456@reddit

Make a donation to a cause they hate

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SouthpawSeahorse@reddit

I love this!!! Help someone or something else they don’t care about and annoy them in the process. And how could they complain about that ? They’d seem like huge jerks if they did.

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nadvargas@reddit

The Human Fund.

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SteveAndyW@reddit

Money for People.

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SlumLordOfTheFlies@reddit

Put $200 on a card and then spend it before giving it to them and maybe they'll think it got hacked.

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ryemmsf@reddit

I like this idea best.

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infernalnb@reddit

Just grab an unactivated gift card from a register of any store, the ones that don’t have all the extra cardboard and stuff are able to be taken no issue. Then put it inside a card and put that in their big stack/container of cards and gifts and they should find it when they are at home or honeymooning later

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say592@reddit

If they say something about it, apologize and say the drug store where you bought it must have screwed up and you will take care of it, then just don't follow up after that.

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ktdidit@reddit

Yeah, this. Tell them that you always keep the receipt antime you purchsee a giftcard bc you've heard about this type of thing happening, then ghost them.

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OldnBorin@reddit

Yes

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kevinh456@reddit

No. Even worse. You load it with like $0.69 or something

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Aska_Feld@reddit

$ 0.86?

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adelicmac@reddit

Or $0.67!!

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Ban_Assault_Ducks@reddit

$4.21, have fun knowing they may never know what it means

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douglorde@reddit

This is the way

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King_Fuckface@reddit

Stop posting this.

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FungiAmongiBungi@reddit

I agree I can stand that phrase

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douglorde@reddit

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ryn-lnp@reddit

The empty gift card is a great idea, but the ones saying add just a few cents or whatever to the card won't work, unless it's like a Kroger gift card or maybe Walmart or something like that. Most third party gift cards, like Amazon, etc, have a minimum amount that has to be loaded, usually 10-15$ minimum.

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bigdave41@reddit

You could buy a $10 one and then spend $9.99 of it?

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Whyme-notyou@reddit

Diabolical!

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bolt422@reddit

In my area any Kroger gift card would be a horrible gift since there are no Krogers nearby.

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Rahgahnah@reddit

$10 for a wedding gift sends a pretty clear message. Might be worth it for OP.

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C-hrlyn@reddit

A $10.00 wedding gift 🎁 sounds like a deal for a rubber chicken buffet.

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Typical_XJW@reddit

Add a random amount to the card and they will think they accidentally used part of it already and it got mixed up with the others

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LaurelCanyoner@reddit

Seduce a bridesmaid. Make sure she’s best friends with the bride.

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SuspiciousStress1@reddit

Make sure to bring a guest....&put $1 on the gift card so it is at least activated 😉

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glory_scales@reddit

I like this 😈

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LisaMiaSisu@reddit

My husband gave rolls of nickels to a coworker wrapped in duct tape. He wanted to put them in a can of Crisco but I stopped him because I didn’t want to do that to the new bride. The coworker thought it was pretty funny and his new wife was mildly entertained.

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Worried-Amphibian154@reddit

Toilet plunger and scrub brush set. Symbolic, but useful.

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Apprehensive-Wait783@reddit

*used with a note that says “don’t worry I used suave shampoo to wash it so it’s all clean!”

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

That’s actually useful. If they rent and don’t have a yard or balcony, a used patio umbrella stand from Facebook marketplace!

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DrDancealina@reddit

Okay wait but what did she say during her rant!!?????

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dagny07@reddit

Yea, whyyyy would she be so against you when it sounds like you helped them out with food and money. That's a lot of gall for them to ask you to cosign something. And he gave you a bad review????WTF after finding that out, I would just block them, and never think of them again. It sounds like you are a good friend and they are a horrible friend.

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john_the_fetch@reddit

Probably because OP didn't help EVERY time they needed money. Or a Co-sign. Or to leech off OP.

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philatio11@reddit

Some people hate anyone that gives them charity. It reminds them of how inferior they feel. It's one of the many reasons not to help out friends and family with cash.

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Public-Revenue2226@reddit

Use a pay phone to call the place where they are holding the reception and reschedule it for a few hours earlier in the day. Rescheduling is less likely to trigger a proof of identity than canceling

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ItsHIPAA@reddit

RSVP +1. Bring a real friend and have a good time. Bring a large, unwrapped baby toy with Congratulations balloons on it and put it at the front of the gift table.

Harmless, possibly useful in the future, will likely piss the bride off.

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Trishlovesdolphins@reddit

Sounds like an “invite everyone we’ve ever met and they may not attend, but will send gifts/money” situation to me.

I’d just send regrets that you have plans that day and leave it at that.

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DifficultyFit7401@reddit

I would just never RSVP, that really will get on their nerves

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Weedle_blzit@reddit

Def rsvp and dont show up. Make them spend money on food and place setting.

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DifficultyFit7401@reddit

Ok thats even better

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MAJOR-DADDY-CUM@reddit

Accidentally misspell their name on everything and a personalized cheap name plate or something

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kolachekingoftexas@reddit

With an unnecessary apostrophe. The Smithe’s

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veilvalevail@reddit

I love your idea, it made me laugh unexpectedly!

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Tassey@reddit

Just because someone invites you to their wedding, it does not mean you have to go. No explanation needed, just an RSVP saying you will not be attending. No gift No gift card Just a thanks but no thanks 🙂‍↔️

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tickynicky@reddit

A fake, but an authentic looking $1000 voucher to a prominent divorce attorney. Go to the wedding with a plus one and eat and drink till you can't eat any more.

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positive_energy-@reddit

Have you seen the movie money? It looks real. To the point, my son has some and I’m very concerned he will try to use it one day just to mess around and end up getting arrested.

Put some in a card. See what happens.

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tickynicky@reddit

Sounds awesome, but you don't want to take any chances of being charged with counterfeits. That's serious shit. For real.

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positive_energy-@reddit

True!

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tulip0523@reddit

Worst gift: tacky lingerie for the new bride

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blurblurblahblah@reddit

Get it used from GoodWill

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Critty_Kitty@reddit

In a size considerably larger than she actually is

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lettercrank@reddit

Don’t fuck up their big day . Be a bigger person - I know this isn’t the place . She sounds like a bitch but your friend invited you for a reason

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Dull-State-2457@reddit

Dont go to the wedding and block him. Move on, life's too short to waste energy on this. Sounds like they have saved two other people from having a miserable life by marrying each other.

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Grouchy-Astronomer56@reddit

This. Don't go, don't give a gift, block and then ghost. Move on with your excellent life and let their life karma unfold as it may.

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NCKBLZ@reddit

Broken condoms

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Candid-Joke-356@reddit

no one knows if you fart in a greeting card before giving it to them. except you. you know.

just saying.

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Riflemaiden1992@reddit

Give a donation to a charity in their name. Bonus points if its a cause that you support but they are against.

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Ehamilton21@reddit

The Human Fund

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smilinglizard217@reddit

This.

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Living_Beyond_6007@reddit

Do nothing,say nothing. Launch piss discs at their house and surround it with tuna fish during the ceremony

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Original_betch@reddit

Tons of mashed potato flakes too! They won't know until it rains!

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FungiAmongiBungi@reddit

😂

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ultraviolet31@reddit

Go to the wedding. STEAL some of their gifts. If anyone asks you about your gift, claim you brought one and set it with the others... but damn, it must have been stolen? You're absolved of the crime because they think your gift was taken with the others you stole that night.

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UpbeatWishbone4766@reddit

Could you attend the wedding, but bring liquid ass or piss discs with you and strategically place them around the reception area?

The venue mightn't be best pleased, but who knows....they might even charge the newlyweds for cleaning fees!

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SmartAleckComedian@reddit

Get one of those boxes loaded with automatic fart spray and glitter that people use to prank package thieves.

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drezdogge@reddit

Definitely attend and give a swiffer wet jet

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OldnBorin@reddit

A used one

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Own-Salamander-4975@reddit

Custom sex toys that you decoratively add their names to with puff paint, along with their wedding date (or maybe the day before the wedding).

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One-Juggernaut-4062@reddit

The puff paint is perfection.

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gsko5000@reddit

An Amazon gift card with either 0 balance or like 70c.

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Weedle_blzit@reddit

A $100 gift card to a restaurant but with only like 3 bucks on it. The fancier the place the better.

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munkymama@reddit

Plunger and toilet brush for the lovely bride.

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Efficient_Feline@reddit

A wrinkled and dirty one-dollar bill.

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notajock@reddit

Block him and be done with it. Don't waste another minute with these people.

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cryssHappy@reddit

Glitter bomb ... it's the gift that keeps on cleaning, sent to their home. Can be done anonymously.

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lawrik02@reddit

RSVP and don’t go. Donate a dollar to a party that they are not associated with, endless mail until their divorce.

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SufficientOpening218@reddit

this is the way

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King_Fuckface@reddit

Stop posting this.

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No-Pop2552@reddit

Elaborate?

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RUFukd2@reddit

Just decline, don't listen to the clowns of Reddit to RSVP.

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wills2003@reddit

Potential gifts that could be thrifted...

Books about being a better person...or relationship advice...

Tacky home decor

A single wine glass...or single bath towel

Key is to wrap the thing beautifully.

I'm torn between a) go to the wedding or b) RSVP yes with a +1 and no show.

Do option 'a' only if you don't have to purchase fancy new attire. You'd have the option to put the gift on the gift table...gift tag optional. No tag for maximum 'this shall live in their heads rent free' impact.

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FlyDeeMouse@reddit

How much time pm your hands do you have?

Do a little social media research; find out who the soon to be brides exes were. Someone like that has a history.

Make copies of the invite. Send them to the exes. Attend the wedding and watch the fun.

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Artemus_Hackwell@reddit

Glitter bomb.

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pumalumaisheretosay@reddit

Why buy a gift for people you don’t like, who don’t like you, and whose wedding you will it be attending? Just toss the invitation and text them congratulations. The end.

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comeintravis@reddit

Sir, this is r/unethicallifeprotips

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aquay@reddit

throw it in the trash. send nothing.

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katkriss@reddit

I donated to Planned Parenthood in memory of my pro-life father, they at least used to send a card for those donations. Did I mention that he's still alive?

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SixAlarmFire@reddit

Give them a $5 home Depot gift card

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Dasrule@reddit

Order yourself a “clone a willie” and gift them a marital dildo crafted from your own penis.

When I did this for my x-wife’s wedding gift I was sure to experiment a little bit with vacuum pumps and what not just to make sure they were getting an extra girthy surprise when they opened it.

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Responsible_Turn7528@reddit

RSVP no and never be in contact again.

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meddit_rod@reddit

A piggy bank. A beautiful, custom painted ceramic pig, with their wedding date etc. in fancy script. If they never use it, it's just a useless nicknack. If they do use it, then at some point in the future they may choose to shatter their wedding memorabilia for pocket change.

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nmdnyc@reddit

Ooooh! Fill it with pennies or with slugs, even better. So when they destroy it looking for laundry quarters or whatever, it doesn’t have what they need AND they’ve destroyed wedding memorabilia. :)

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

Sounds like, based on the groom, they might. Shucks, who am I kidding… they won’t save anything.

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xp14629@reddit

I would not waste my time attending. But I would spend up to a couple hundred bucks to send them a gift. There is/was a place online that you could send them boxes of animal poop. I would send one for the wedding. And then maybe have it setup to send 1 for a 1 month, 6 month and 12 month anniversery. And I would for sure sign my name to them.

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gordyswift@reddit

Trolling for gifts! You gave at the office...

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

Go! Eat like a slob, drink an insane amount, give a speech and drop in how he gave you a bad review because his wife doesn’t like you and you wouldn’t co-sign for the sex doll with the power dildo jackhammer attachment made for “her pleasure.” Then just give them a card with nothing in it! If they are Christian, give them a card that says mazel tov, if they are Jewish give them a card with Christ’s blessings, you get the idea.

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Home4Bewildered@reddit

Sympathy card.

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

🤣🤣🤣

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Ok_You_3131@reddit

Or better yet a sympathy card.

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InfoSecPeezy@reddit

🤣🤣🤣

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Flux_My_Capacitor@reddit

RSVP so they wasn’t money on a meal.

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PokerFriend247@reddit

The funniest option, though, is probably doing absolutely nothing. No drama, no statement, no gift, no emotional energy. Just quiet absence. That tends to land harder than people expect.

A card containing only: “Best wishes on your journey.”

For twenty long years we were friends Through odd little twists, turns, and bends But after one rant I thought, “No thanks, I shan’t” So my absence is how the tale ends.

Imho The slow ghost didn’t work, time to go full ghost and block.

gif

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vincehk@reddit

"A 20+ years long friend invited me to his wedding, why?"

Can't be more Reddit than this.

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Estudiier@reddit

Money grab?

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ailurophile23@reddit

A used small kitchen appliance in an box from adult diapers. Nicely wrapped and with a ribbon on top.

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Patient_Ease_4876@reddit

Maybe he actually didn’t give you a bad review. And it’s all not true

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kevinh456@reddit

Honestly the funniest move is probably to RSVP yes with a +1, never show up, and instead donate to a cause they’d absolutely hate in their honor.

Homophobic? Trevor Project.
Transphobic? Trans Lifeline.
Racist? NAACP Legal Defense Fund or MALDEF.
Anti-abortion? Planned Parenthood or an abortion fund.
Misogynist weirdos? National Women’s Law Center.

Then they get the little “a donation has been made in your honor” card while they’re paying for two empty seats at the reception.

Turns out inviting people you secretly hate for gift farming can become a surprisingly effective fundraiser.

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