Do you have to attend the crematorium service after a Church funeral?

Posted by PsychologicalNote612@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 22 comments

I've been to a number funerals, but only one funeral in a Church that then went to a separate crematorium. That funeral was for one of my friends so I stayed for the whole thing. I'm going to a colleague's funeral next week and again, it's a Church before a crematorium. I'm going to pay my respects, they were a good person and it's sad they've died, we weren't close so while it is sad news, I don't feel like I need to be overly involved. I don't want to steal the grief of their loved ones, I don't know any of my colleague's family or friends. I would rather not go to the crematorium, but I don't want to be rude. Is that normal, or if I go to the Church am I also expected at the crem?

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22 Comments

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DangerShart@reddit

You can do whatever you want. Most funerals I have been to, only close family goes to the crematorium.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

Thank you. I knew that was often the case with burials so wasn't sure if it would be similar

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DameKumquat@reddit

If there's a wake/reception afterwards, most people would head there from the church, with just closer people going to the graveside/crem.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

That makes sense, thank you

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Philip_J_Fry3000@reddit

My mother was cremated before her funeral mass. We then went directly to the cemetery.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

I've not heard of a ceremony being that way around, I'm sorry that you lost your mother

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Philip_J_Fry3000@reddit

Thank you, you're very kind. We chose an option called direct cremation, most people do at least one viewing at the funeral home and then the religious service if they're a believer. But in our case her remains were transported from the hospice to the crematorium then to the funeral home where they brought it in the hearse to the church for her funeral mass and then to the cemetery.

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revvend7783@reddit

At my Gran's funeral nobody went to the cremation, we just left the coffin with them and had to come back when the ashes were ready. It felt quite a low budget funeral though.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

I'm sorry to hear about your Gran.

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terryjuicelawson@reddit

Without sounding rude, I don't think they'd actually notice. "Where is X, they were at the church!!". People can come for some, all or none of the funeral and for the family it is all rather a sad blur.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

Good point, thank you

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PeggyNoNotThatOne@reddit

It's fine not to go.

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tmstms@reddit

You do whatever you want. If it is important to the bereaved that people are free or not free to attend the burial, cremation or wake, it will say so on the order of service.

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SirLoinThatSaysNi@reddit

I can't see how going to the cremation would "steal the grief of their loved ones". Given your description I'd just slip away between the church and the crematorium. If at the church anyone asks if you're going to the crem, just say "no, sorry but I'll be heading off after the service" or something like that.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

Thank you. I just meant that the family and friends should be allowed to grieve without others interfering. I'd hate them to think I was trying to be as sad as they are. Maybe that's not a thing everywhere but I know some people get a bit weird and competitive about sadness. It sounds like my plan will be fine.

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SirLoinThatSaysNi@reddit

> but I know some people get a bit weird and competitive about sadness I've never seen that happen. Usually most are glad to have a good turnout, they may be thinking about numbers and if everyone will fit plus they need to consider if there is any catering involved. Your plans are fine.

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Danimalomorph@reddit

Hiya, the last funeral I went to was our family's one - my nan. Most people who were at the service didn't come to the crematorium, we thought nothing of it. I assumed that was how things usually go. So, I'd say - you're plan is fine. It's good of you to go to the church, the family will be really please you did.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

I'm sorry to hear about your nan. Thank you, I don't want to intrude but also don't want to look like I don't care

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Danimalomorph@reddit

All good, my friend. Also, you won't look like you don't care, I promise. They'll just be really pleased you were at the church. And you're certainly not intruding, no one will think that. You're nice - the family will be pleased that their lost loved one had nice friends.

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

Thank you

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Valuable-Wallaby-167@reddit

Generally if there's a service and crem afterwards the crem is for close friends and family

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PsychologicalNote612@reddit (OP)

Thank you, I wondered if this was the case