Just going through it

Posted by Medical-Intern-6235@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 63 comments

So just jumping into it. I am going to get divorced. I want to get divorced. I never thought I would get divorced but I realize that I spent so many years just not living for me. To be clear our marriage is a bit toxic so this is not just me wanting to be Peter Pan. There are real reasons that I don’t really need to go into here but overall with that and just years of unhappiness with me I just want to be alone for a while. It won’t happen soon which I hate. My kids are almost out of HS and we have talked about when but still I wish it was today. Money is factor, isn’t it always for so many? We built successful lives but also built some good debt, the American way apparently.

I don’t know why I am posting here. I am not looking for “work it out”. We tried and fixed a lot but we just aren’t a fit the way we need to be. I don’t want “move out”. I am afraid to do it but I know I need to do it. I know we will both get to a point where we feel it’s time to break completely. She is working through therapy and I have been finding myself for a few months now.

I guess I am just still amazed how much you can plan for life and build so much and in the end be “was it worth it or was this the path”. I feel I am on the path I should be on but it’s not a straight path and it’s a scary path.

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_rfj@reddit

Me too! I am not yet divorced but moved out May of last year. Divorce will be final in July. If you’re feeling like you aren’t married to the absolute love of your life…do it. Life is too short to be with someone just because.

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After_Narwhal8582@reddit

People grow and change and it can’t be all one sided give yourself some grace. My ex was content with status quo paycheck to paycheck did not help much around the house even when I had our child he was constantly passing them back to me because I was the only source of food for them for the first year. I finally got up the courage to leave. It was hard and I did not enjoy it but we are actually decent acquaintances now. Took several years

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KateVirginiaLivin@reddit

Do you know what divorce is so expensive? Cause it’s worth it!

Ha! My brother told me that one when I was getting divorced. I’m very happily remarried & my kids get to see both parents in healthier relationships and still focused on their wellbeing instead of the dysfunctional example we were giving them.

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Flappadingo@reddit

I feel ya OP. Been wishing for my own for 10 years. Too many kids, too much rides on me. And now spouse is sick.

If I’d only left 5 years ago! Now I’m here til death do us part literally.

Depressing.

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Rough_Condition75@reddit

I was at that place of knowing it was over but fearing actually moving out. It’s a living hell of its own. I can only say my own experience was the fear was worse than the reality, and once out I felt relief and actual hope for my future. Good luck.

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Senior-Cantaloupe-69@reddit

Don’t wait for the kids to graduate. It’s not any easier on them. I’m remarried now with 3 kids and 2 step kids. The kids that had already graduated high school took it the worst

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mudshark698@reddit

I think my kids wished that we divorced sooner, too. We fought constantly for the last 2 years or so before I finally said enough.

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Spicy_Tomatillo@reddit

I (55m) am going through it too. 20 year marriage. Financial strain took its toll. Kids 18 and 20. Selling house rn. I look forward to being alone and fixing the damage the marriage did. Have ent been laid in 2.5 years+. Reasonably attractive dude but not even trying to find a fix for that atm. I wish you the best. It’s gut wrenching and easily the hardest thing I’ve encountered in my years. I hope you emerge on the other side stronger and wiser for it. It’s a very hard thing. Cheers.

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mudshark698@reddit

lol...It's been almost 10 years for me. Two of those were when I was still married. I'm perfectly happy taking care of things on my own. :D

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mudshark698@reddit

Got divorced about 8 years ago. It was the single best thing that I ever did for my mental health. I spent 17 years with the wrong woman. I had this crazy mentality that I was going to stay married longer than my parents were. It was really hard in the beginning. Going through custody battles with my ex was rough, but I can honestly say that the biggest thing I lost was my dog. My kids were in their early teens when I left and my relationship with both is positive. My oldest (23M) lives with me and my youngest (20M) is in college and lives with his mother when not at school. Today, I am happier than I've been since, well, before I got married. I learned a lot about myself during the process. One of those things is that I am much happier doing the solo thing. Not dating. Not interested. I'll never do the serious relationship thing again and I will not be cohabitating with anyone. I enjoy my freedom way too much.

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Slight-Bowl4240@reddit

This subreddit is supposed to be about Gen X not divorce. Why does everything turn to divorce? It’s getting exhausting. You took vows and now you want support to break them. Sorry things are toxic for you. I’m just trying to defend the institution

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Komaisnotsalty@reddit

Oh shut up.

Who we were at 20 is not who we are at 50. Divorce is a gift.

People change. Are you best friends still with every single person you met in life and became friends with?

Peoole change. Your attitude is exhausting, not OP. Support each other. You don't have to like divorce but apparently you still haven't learned basic kindness and don't like yourself so you have to attack someone who's hurting to make yourself feel bigger.

Do better. Be kind.

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

{community_rule_3}

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mmpjd@reddit

It’s a GenX individual going through a divorce….try having some compassion.

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ohiobluetipmatches@reddit

What institution? Is it a 501(c)(3)? A corp?

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MeowMeowCollyer@reddit

People grow apart.

Whats wrong with you?

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thatsmypurseidku@reddit

That person cares more about the "institution of marriage" than people. They're probably miserable, but too afraid to leave or be alone, so they want everyone to be just as miserable as they are.

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cuzwhat@reddit

Marriage is a contract that puts an unrelated person ahead of blood relatives in line of succession for your life.

Like any contract, it should be regularly reviewed and, if appropriate, rescinded, when the parties feel it no longer suits their needs.

Do we want true love to last forever? Sure. Do we want people trapped by paper when it doesn’t? I don’t think so.

GenX is at the age that kids are out of the house, so staying together ‘for the kids’ is less important. Many of us have spent years trying to make someone happy, with little evidence of success. Some of us have put ourselves at the bottom of the list for decades and finally see an opportunity to live the life we always wanted.

Marriage can be great, but it can also be hell. It is hard to justify remaining in hell, unnecessarily.

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VixxSynn@reddit

And…you think GenX people don’t get divorced/have problems/change significantly? Um, I’ve got some news for you.

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yayayagilliganhell@reddit

Just do it, everything will work out for the best.

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Ordinary-Practice812@reddit

This 👆

Also don’t wait. Do it as soon as possible. The sooner the better if you’re unhappy.

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Typical_me_1111@reddit

Go on a three month vacation away. If you feel the same when you come back then get divorced

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Ms_Anne-Thrope@reddit

Sure, just go on a 3 month vacation. No problem.

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Typical_me_1111@reddit

I not the person looking to get a divorce

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ReputationOfGold@reddit

The truth is you are most likely responding to a 15 year old who has no concept of money etc.

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Typical_me_1111@reddit

I'm not a 15 year but GenX. Divorce is a major decision. All I was suggesting is go away for a few months and think about it. Like a trial separation

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mazerbrown@reddit

The hardest thing about divorce is changing the future timeline you planned for yourself in your head. We tend to cling to that future image of ourselves and that's what hurts to re-write. Letting go is scary. There are lots of potential paths into our future however and most of them lead to happiness. Start building your new future vision and the chaos will calm down a little.

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bluealien78@reddit

Getting a divorce is the single best thing I’ve ever done for my happiness and joy in life. We get one time around in this universe. Staying in an unhappy marriage just wastes the opportunity to live your life in whatever way makes you the happiest. Good for you, OP. I hope the journey is as smooth as it can be for you and your family.

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NoEmployer2140@reddit

I just spent 13 years with the wrong woman. And now, after all of that, I look at all the things I overlooked for the sake of love and family, and I’m humiliated. Did I wanna start over a 45? nope. On the bright side, I am happier because I’m not fighting with her every day and I’m looking forward to my future and making it whatever I can. It just sucks man who wants to start over in the middle of their life?

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Ray_The_Engineer@reddit

I had a total of 4 "serious relationships" between the age of 18 and 25, when I met my future wife. Out of those 4, 3 would almost certainly have resulted in divorce at some point, for different reasons. (Well, being honest, I now think back on the 3 of them as being a bit unstable and crazy, and I started to see it at the time, I think). I'd love to say that I was just super smart, had a great plan for who I needed in my life, etc, but I suspect a lot of it was dumb luck. We just celebrated 30 years, and I look forward to however more I can get. Cheers and good luck...

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Lewdubs@reddit

Are you me? Same, but just celebrated 32 years. I know for sure 100% of my "serious" relationships before I met my wife would have ended badly.

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emacextrabrut80@reddit

💕

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XrayDelta2022@reddit

So sorry that your going to go through this. I was blindsided by my ex after 15 years and 4 kids when I came home early and found her with her now husband in my house. I kicked him out grabbed some stuff and never came back. In a weird way I'm so appreciative to them for that fateful day. I filed, judge sided with me and she essentially walked away with only child support for a few years. I kept the house, my pension and eventually the kids again. Remarried to a beautiful person who like myself, this time knows what is needed to nourish a relationship. As for those two, well times are tough for them so I hear.

Move on, get started on the life that will be enjoyable and deserving.

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I-om@reddit

Hang in there. I pulled the trigger to end a 25 year marriage last year and have never been happier. I think our generation was inundated with latchkey kids and broken homes. We looked at all our divorced parents and thought "I will never fuck up my kids life like my parents fucked up mine" and that was my mindset for a long time. Eventually I realized that the toxicity I was avoiding by staying in a bad relationship was creating different toxicities not avoiding them altogether. I was teaching my children that having parents who stay together but fight daily is just par for the course, but I was wrong.

Many of my genx peers are divorcing as their kids get out of highschool. It's an epidemic of " finally I can leave without hurting my kids and destroying their lives". I fully support leaving toxic relationships but also sticking with them thru your kids highschool graduation or close.

I probably should've left 10 years ago but honestly didn't want to fuck up my family. I think many people face this same position

Good luck and you are not alone.

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Anxious-One-2365@reddit

/divorce_men is a good Reddit for you to check out and get advice. Good luck.

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filtersweep@reddit

No kidding. r/divorce can be quite toxic towards men.

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ahmedibnaser@reddit

I had a marriage like that — toxic for almost a decade. Without going into too much detail, she made the first move as way to gain leverage in the relationship, not thinking of me calling the bluff.

I called the bluff and went through all the paperwork and the hassle associated with it. Money aside, by far the shift from being in a toxic marriage to being unburdened and lonely is excruciating for a while.

Then once you decide where you want to be, you never look back and your life starts to move in a better direction — on the condition you are honest with what you want and do what needs to be done to get it.

Good luck brother and hurry up so we can see you on the other side, and invite you out for a drink.

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mdbuff@reddit

Good luck man. Sometimes you just gotta get stuff off your chest.

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rumblepony247@reddit

My 17-year marriage had been dead for about two years, and the (now ex) wife did us a favor by cheating, which was always an instant divorce for me.

I had been too chickenshit to end it, because our life was "comfortable." Thank goodness for the infidelity, because her financial values would've set me back 20 years if I kept on with the marriage for a significant amount of time. Her current husband (The affair partner lol) is learning that now - they are in their early 60s and barely have a positive net worth haha.

My solo life isn't anything to boast about, but at least it has enabled me to retire early, and live drama-free without having to compromise for anyone else.

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Squirrelhenge@reddit

I divorced 5 years later that I probably should have, but it was still the right decision. If the marriage is toxic and not working (whether for one or both of you), this is the solution. I hope it's not as tough as it seems you think it will be. Lean on your friends for support, love your kids, and remember that your happiness is important.

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PrinceFan72@reddit

I'm just out of my 2nd divorce. 2 kids who are in their 20s now. I haven't ended up on the path I planned for, either. As you say, it's not a straight path, it can be scary but in our 50s we have a long time left to get on the right path.

Focus on being a great parent, a civil ex and live life. I have debts, am worried about how long I'll be employable for, but I'm working on my health and looking ahead not backwards.

Good luck mate, we're all in this.

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Intelligent-Gold929@reddit

I bet a lot of other genxers feel like you and I. My EX and I had families that split apart early in our lives. Wrecked us.

Divorce was so prevalent. We swore it was forever. I never thought I would get a divorce. Yet...

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FrostingHuman1259@reddit

Finally, someone with my experience, I grew up with everyone i knew dvorced, had a evil mom whispering in my ear every day, of course we were going to divorce, that's what everybody did in the 80s. I guess we were just early along in the curve

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Pbake@reddit

Come on in. The water is warm.

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example-of-disaster@reddit

Fresh from court myself. We were together for 24 years, married 20. We had great times, good times, bad times and absolutely shit times. I poured my heart into it, but at the end when all the dust started to settle, I started to realize it was no longer right for me. I couldn’t change anything about the past, and I couldn’t see a future with her anymore. At first I was extremely hurt by her words and actions, but soon realized I was going to be in a better place without the toxicity. I didn’t want to be alone at first, but it’s so goddamn peaceful now not feeling like I’m walking on eggshells with her anymore. It also has allowed me to look back and recognize the behavior patterns I allowed myself to be subjected, “Hindsight is always 20/20” seems accurate as I can see it all clearly now.

When you make it out of the rubble, in time you will see you’ll be okay, and maybe even just a little bit better off.

Good luck to you!

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WileyCoyote7@reddit

Just stay true to yourself and remember to keep your children’s interests and needs at the forefront of your mind; they are losing their parents being a married couple as well. I’ve been there, I’ve gone through it. I do not regret divorcing my ex, but I do regret even to this day not being there more for my son. I was too focused on my happiness and getting my life on the path I wanted.

That was 20 years ago.

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GoldMarionberry2406@reddit

This. Divorce is traumatic for kids, at any age. Chasing happiness is a losing bet. Creating peace is what you should be aiming for.

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Pollvogtarian@reddit

I am so proud of myself for my two divorces. Because I was self-aware enough to know I was unhappy and brave enough to do something about it. My first husband was not a bad person—it just became apparent over the years that our personalities were not compatible. (While he wasn’t happy with our divorce at the time, he found a wonderful wife and is so content now, in a way he never would have been with me.)

My second husband was a dick.

I met my current husband when I was 43. By that time I was old enough to know what I needed in a partner.

The kid thing is tough (not an issue for me because I never wanted or had kids). I will say I have seen a lot of couples who stay married “for the kids” but it is actually more damaging for them to see their parents persist in an unhappy relationship.

Anyway, I’m sorry you are going through a tough time. Keep your eyes on the prize—the prize being your freedom and happiness.

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darkest_irish_lass@reddit

I've never been divorced, but my advice comes from a happy relationship. If your marriage feels like work, if it makes you feel stressed or exhausted or angry, it's better to let go.

It might feel like falling, but that will turn into flying. Even if you aren't looking for another romantic relationship, there are other relationships you can form with new friends.

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jamisonian123@reddit

Congratulations on the next chapter of your life where you are free to be happy and live the life that you want 🫂

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Pollvogtarian@reddit

Great perspective

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CollectsTooMuch@reddit

I’m doing the same. I kept things up as long as I could for the kids but now, I’m done. Mine was an easy choice because she’s become manipulative, lies, and cheated. The financial part and losing the future I dreamed of sucks but peace and the hope of finding somebody who is emotionally safe and without a personality disorder keeps me going.

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SuperJen411@reddit

There's so much joy out there, go get some ❤️

(Joy, I mean...)

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suzsid@reddit

Married twice, divorced once. Someone above gave you excellent advice - start financially separating things now.

I’d get an attorney and file for legal separation as soon as you practically can.
Talk to your wife though, and be upfront.

You’ll probably wind up selling the house, but either one of you can buy out the other. If you both have decent 401k’s, that could be something to consider using to bargain with in exchange for the others equity in the house.

Reinventing yourself and your life is never easy, and can be very scary. But if it’s right for you, it’s very much worth it.

Best of luck.

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TXtogo@reddit

I’m glad I divorced my first wife, she was not a good match for me and I was too stupid to know the difference at a young age.

I don’t beat myself up over mistakes I made when I was young, I just acknowledge that I was young and dumb and am smarter now. I don’t blame anyone other than myself, but I do know that it’s ok to grow older and be wiser.

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Historical_Project86@reddit

It sounds like the sooner, the better. All the best to you!

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wellbloom@reddit

If you haven’t done so already, start untangling your finances. Set up a separate bank account and only contribute funds to your joint account for shared/household expenses. This divorce can be as amicable and equitable as you want it be, but you still need a family law attorney to draft up the decrees. Do plan to move out soon. It will give you both the peace and space to move forward. Good luck, OP

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Reddiculusness@reddit

The best thing I ever did for my mental health was to divorce a toxic woman. There's no reason to go through life under constant stress. 18 years was way too long to be miserable , the last 19 "free" have been a breeze .

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ToothpickIntheOcean@reddit

No advice here, just solidarity. I was in a toxic marriage for 12 years, with small children, and one day I just couldn’t do it anymore. He did so much damage to my heart and soul, was acting out physically at times, and I couldn’t bear my children witnessing that. Ngl it was tough financially for a while but worth the struggle just to be free. It helps to have a support system. If only to vent.

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