Anyone else realize at 30 that you inherited the exact patterns you swore you'd never repeat?
Posted by Emou123@reddit | AskBalkans | View on Reddit | 14 comments
I grew up watching my parents handle conflict by yelling, manipulating, and using guilt to control everyone around them. I promised myself my whole life I'd never do that.
Got married two years ago. My wife is pregnant now. And in the last six months, I've watched myself start doing micro-versions of the exact things I hated growing up — the manipulations, the guilt trips, treating "idiot/loser" like a normal word in an argument. My wife and I noticed this pattern in my behaviour and started working on and attacking it. But it scared me how automatic it was.
Recently, I had to cut contact with my parents (the standard story: boundaries → guilt → threats (even legal ones for some reason)→ done). The weird part was how much better my life got the moment I stopped. My confidence spiked, even people around me noticed it; my merrage got stronger; my business got better. But I also realised I'd been carrying their patterns around inside me, and cutting them off didn't delete the patterns. I still have to do that work myself.
I'm trying to understand if other people experience this the same way. If you've been through any version of this — the recognition moment, breaking the cycle, what's actually helped — I'd love to chat in DMs. NOT SELLING ANYTHING, just trying to figure out if what I'm experiencing is common and what people actually do about it. Happy to share my story, too.
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
I have been through this and came out a better person after much therapy and self reflection
My son is my most important person and I don’t want to jeopardize that
I’ve had a much better and more enjoyable and more exciting relationship with him than my parents could have ever achieved with me even for a minute
OP start by reading *Adult children of emotionally immature parents*
Emou123@reddit (OP)
I'm reading it now, and this book is gold!
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
I recognized myself 100% in one of the chapters
Then I anxiously did my auto evaluation as a toxic parent and I gave myself good grades (my teenager can confirm)
Emou123@reddit (OP)
Wow, soo cool. I might read it again in a couple of years when my son is a bit older
fatgirlcuddler@reddit
Personality is mostly genetic
nostalgia_98@reddit
I just wanted to say thay you should be very proud of yourself for recognizing the behavior, admitting that its wrong and trying to work on yourself. So many people lack self reflection or double down because they dont want to admit that they're wrong.
Its so important to model healthy behaviors to our kids, they will grow up and have your voice as their inner voice. You being a good, healthy person is the best way to ensure that your kids grow up to be the same.
Big-Waltz5204@reddit
Well it's good that you're introspective. People often use each other as emotional punching bags. Nobody owes you shit really and you gotta understand your own selfish impulses. People inherintly try to use each other, you have to be quite deep and even spiritual as a person to understand your every action and behaviour pattern.
Why you do things and what you want ultimately. Is your mindframe exploitative or productive/contributive. That is one of first things I ask myself when I meet anyone. Is this person use and abuse or will they be helpful and benefit to have around. Majority of people are sadly use and abuse.
Marriage is the most fragile thing ever. One bad word, one slap, one lash out, and love will be gone. Hope you married out of love or at least some. Without love there is no joy and if there is no joy, then there is no meaning to waking up every morning. Evil, exploitative, ego-centric people are inherintly miserable. The worst they get, the deeper in the hole of hatred and isolation they dig themselves and more miserable they are inside. I seen this with my father. He spent entire life laying on couch, asking for everything to be done for him, barely worked, never washed a spoon. No normal person gonna put up with that.
Recipe for good marriage is ask as little as possible and be as much help as you can. Have clear expectations. Do fun things together. That's why people get married. This is not old days where people had to get married out of necessity and put up with everything. If you want someone to want to spend entire life with you, you have to be person that is easy to be around. Jesus said "the meek shall inherit the world". In love and marriage you have to be meek.
Emou123@reddit (OP)
Wow, what a reply! Thank you so much. Brother, this is gold "Recipe for a good marriage is ask as little as possible and be as much help as you can." I'll actually write that down in my journal!
Specialist_Elk140@reddit
I'm not married nor do I have a girlfriend, but I've noticed in this past month and even before that despite not considering myself sexist, I still get this male entitlement feeling. Basically like we're all equal, but us men are supposed to be this ultimate gender. Through films, music, real life, I always got these expectations of what my status should be like when I grow up only to realize later down the line how unethical this sort of mentality is.
I don't yell at women in my life during conflict, neither do I manipulate much. This sort of male expectation that I have is more around height, strength and money. So I'm somewhere close to 180cm, but if I see a taller woman on the street I get absolutely terrified like my whole masculinity feels totally shattered by a woman. Similar thing again with a woman who makes more than me, it's again this "WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU!?".
What's changed recently is that I don't resent taller women anymore, it's more the circumstance that I've moved my resentment toward. I basically can't see myself in a positive way if I'm shorter than anyone including men, but with taller women it hits much deeper. There's this "you got beaten by a girl" vibe. It's one of the things I hate about going to Serbia, the mixed emotions of finding them attractive and emasculating simultaneously.
Emou123@reddit (OP)
When you say it, I think I had similar thoughts about people who are "more" than me. I say it i "" because being tall is genetics and I still tried to shut down people who are more into something. I used to not acknowledge people's achievements and tell myself stuff like "probably he has a rich dad" or "she definitely cheated on the test".
Fuzzy_Alg@reddit
My family members generally live longer, they have all tried to break this cycle and changed it a little. There is a small improvement in each generation. They all say they are different from each other, but they are like the same model car, only their production years are different.
Salt_Spite6874@reddit
actually, i‘m some years younger than you but i too behave like my parents while fighting by manipulating etc. I swore to never be like that but here we are
Emou123@reddit (OP)
Mate, the 'here we are' is exactly it. I caught myself doing a manipulative thing with my wife last month and the worst part wasn't that I did it — it was that I didn't even notice until after. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? And — have you actually managed to catch yourself in the moment yet, or is it always after the fact?
Salt_Spite6874@reddit
let‘s text in dm‘s if you want to, not really a fan of sharing my age on a sub