How to support a menopausal spouse? Anything you wish your husband had done to help you? Not looking for medical advice, just general support I can offer.
Posted by Typical_Ad_210@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 89 comments
Hello all, I’m sure you’re aware that we are all sweltering at the moment, and unfortunately my wife is suffering quite badly with hot flushes, so it is a double whammy for her. She has been getting quite light headed too. Does anyone have any advice on how to help her with this? Interesting ways of keeping cool or how to cope with a hot flush in public?
Also, any advice on how to be supportive to her in general during this time of not feeling great? Obviously I have no experience of the menopause. I have searched online and also asked her, but I feel like I am not doing enough. I hate that she has to deal with it herself and I can’t carry some of it for her. Any suggestions on things your spouse did or you wish they did would be much appreciated.
NB no medical advice please, apparently it violates the sub rules. Practical and emotional help I can offer to her, please
PipBin@reddit
Don’t do what my husband does which is complain that I make him too hot in the night!
Typical_Ad_210@reddit (OP)
Oh… I think I did mention that it’s like sleeping next to a furnace 😳 I thought I was showing solidarity, lol, but now you mention it, I can see how selfish it is to tell her, as if she doesn’t know how hot she is, and also to focus on how it’s affecting me! This is why I need advice, because sometimes words just fall from my mouth before my brain gets involved
alittleunlikely@reddit
Pick up an XL dog cooling mat to put under the bed sheet!
Kent_Doggy_Geezer@reddit
Maybe use two single duvets for the rougher weeks!
PipBin@reddit
Separate rooms is the way to go
ODFoxtrotOscar@reddit
Said once, at the right moment, it’s a joke
So don’t worry, but don’t do it again
EngineersAnon@reddit
Deliver is also going to matter a lot, too. "Jeez, back off, you're like sleeping next to a furnace lately!" and "Oh, man, it felt like I was sleeping next to a furnace last night, I can't imagine how miserable you must have been in this heat" are probably going to get two very different reactions.
VidaHallows@reddit
If you have the budget you could spring for some natural cotton/ linen/ wool/ silk bedding. No memory foam, poly or synthetic fill pillows, mattresses and duvets. you also may have a mattress which doesn’t circulate air properly..lworth looking into perhaps.
A lightweight flat cotton sheet each (with blanket for cooler nights )is going to help you both especially in this weather.
Also you can get those big blue cooling pads which you can put in the fridge or freezer then into your pillow or bed at night.
You can get cooling spray which is just water in an aerosol can which is great kept in the fridge along with some wet or baby wipes.
minkrogers@reddit
Please head over to r/perimenopause and r/menopause. There's a plethora of advice on there from women all going through it.
You say menopausal, but many people do not realise that "menopause" is a single day in a woman's life. The day she has been without a period for an entire year. Prior to this, its perimenopause, which is generally when all the crazy symptoms start. There are 43 well known symptoms and every woman greatly differs in experience which is why its difficult to treat as a one treatment to fix all.
My hot flushes went away after a few months on HRT. It helps many women. Its by no means a magic cure, it wont stop this transition or the many ailments associated with it, but it helps millions of women mitigate the worst symptoms and lessens them to restore a quality of life, becausebelieveme, some are debilitating. Bioidentical Estrogen (that declines during Peri) is available in many different options. Ask her to make a GP appointment to discuss treatment options.
MojoMomma76@reddit
My husband has done various things I am very grateful for. Going to pick up my HRT when I need to get it from the local pharmacy and I’m in the office; cups of tea and moral support; not judgemental when I’m struggling with low mood, but application of chocolate and nicely brewed tea on the regular. Has stopped listening to music at bedtime in our room as it was driving me a bit crackers. He’s a sweetheart and I am grateful for him every day.
Ashamed-Assumption12@reddit
I wish my husband had been a bit more understanding about sex and my hormones.
I've tried explaining that it's like a switch had been turned off and we have to find other ways of being intimate sometimes and this side of things will be less (not none at all). However his idea is I should just go to the doctors and get some pills.
He also didn't understand the depression that came with it and my complete apathy to do anything around the house as I was spent from working full time.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
Been there. First thing for you to do is get all your hot water bottles, fill them half full and put them in the freezer. Give her one wrapped ina tea towel whenever needed.
Next, find your fan heaters and check they ave a fan-only setting, prop them up over her half of the bed.
Brain fog is going to happen. Plan important conversations to be had in the morning. This stage doesnt last long. It isnt early onset dementia. You dont have to panic.
Learn where she puts things out of habit. Sometimes you'll need to find them.
fwendy123@reddit
I'm not menopausal yet so I'm not sure if my advice is helpful. but I was recently pregnant, and I've heard that post-partum symptoms are like a lite-version of menopausal symptoms so here's what I would have appreciated and you can disregard as necessary!
what I would have really appreciated most is for my husband to carry a bag. as women we're often expected to be the bag carrier, and yes, sometimes it's a part of the outfit. but it often means that we end up carrying everything because men only usually have pockets. if he had brought a bag he could have carried a water bottle for me, some nice wet wipes (not ones for babies, something nicer with a refreshing fragrance), some lip balm, some snacks etc. it would have helped me feel a lot less hot and bothered!
QueerMuseumGal@reddit
One thing that is big is sometimes my other half always wants to fix things and come up with a solution. So say I'm ranting about feeling horrific he will shoot up and try and do anything at all to make it better which obviously has the best intentions but all I really want is for him to sit with me and hear what I'm saying and lend a sympathetic ear.
I literally said to him "I just need you to sit with me and agree that this is all crap" 🤣 and it made the world of difference.
neukStari@reddit
yeah, well .... you do have a nail in your head. I bet if we just
sihasihasi@reddit
Excellent advice. I'm also a fixer who has to try and remember that's not always what's needed.
JT_3K@reddit
I did read somewhere that the majority of male/female misunderstandings were caused by an innate lack of understanding that men (primarily) discuss things to fix or act on them whereas women tend to discuss to share/empathise. Obviously it’s not a hard or fast rule but recognising this has helped me immeasurably
Opposite_Funny9958@reddit
A hundred time this! Just came here to make this very point! “No I don’t want ‘the thing’ fixed, I need to express how much it’s annoying me!”
ODFoxtrotOscar@reddit
This resonates so strongly with me.
I wanted support, not fixing. Someone to listen even when I was peak ranty. Someone to have my back when I was not coping well with the outside world. Someone who still paid me compliments
DinkyPrincess@reddit
Encourage her to try HRT. It really helps.
Get a fan. Or portable aircon with a remote she has by the bed.
Sheet masks in the fridge. Especially aloe ones. Really helps burning face.
Bamboo underwear is super comfy. Same for socks.
Walk more. Helps with brain fog and helps you get sleepy to be more active.
Cook for her. Reassure her. Don’t trivialise it.
Thank you for asking. IMHO HRT is a necessary part of the process. Like childbirth there are no medals for just getting through it. So encourage her to do whatever she’s comfortable with to make it as easy as possible x
vipros42@reddit
I would suggest quiet competence. Just take care of things that need taking care of. Make the decisions that need making.
Bgtobgfu@reddit
God I could not agree with this more.
Typical_Ad_210@reddit (OP)
Yeah, that is good advice. I’m good at doing chores and shopping without her involvement, eg I do all the cooking and food shopping, because she does all the laundry and putting clothes away, so we tend to split things based on the tasks we each find slightly less stressful. But when it comes to making decisions, I do ask her opinion a lot. Which I thought was a good thing, getting her input, but maybe it is just adding to her mental load. My dad was very, very, pathologically controlling (we were not allowed to choose our own clothes or meals until our late teens, and so on), so I probably overcompensate by trying to get her input in things, so she doesn’t feel controlled, but I probably have taken it too far in the opposite direction. Sometimes she is like “I don’t care, just pick one” 😳
Strong_Access_8179@reddit
As a perimenopausal wife who is sometimes just so done with everything, I think it is good to have her opinion, but it may be better to phrase it as something like, "How would you feel about [insert decision you would make if she weren't involved]". Then she can either say, "Sounds good," if she's not in the mood, or she can discuss it with you if she wants.
I also have sort of a... meter? for these things, too. I don't mind making the first decision, or the second, but eventually it reaches a point where I really just don't want to deal with it any more and would be happy for my husband to take over. I don't know your wife, of course, but you may find she's more amenable to being asked to help make decisions if you're not asking her several times per day or if she's having a good day.
vipros42@reddit
It's a tricky one, I think that trying to avoid it being open ended through phrasing might be the way. Like "I'm thinking of doing/choosing X, what do you think?" Asking for opinion but without them making the decision. Don't ask if it's ok, or what they want but give the option to have an opinion.
AuroraDF@reddit
This is the way.
MillyMcMophead@reddit
I agree. I just lost all ability to make decisions and needed my husband to take care of all that stuff.
Mental_Body_5496@reddit
Ask her maybe if she wants to be involved or can you get it sorted?
For me i just want things sorted im exhausted organising everything for everyone but nobody does it for me!
Agree a holiday destination, budget and non-negoiatables plus dates - then please just sort it (dont forget to chrck passport expiry dates and GHIC cards if Europe)
KEW95@reddit
To the last one, just make sure they aren’t ones she wants to do with you. Otherwise, quiet competence helps a lot.
Typical_Ad_210@reddit (OP)
How do I know what ones she wants to make with me though? I could ask her, but is that not just as irritating as asking her to help make the decision? Asking “do you want to decide this together or should I just do x”? I don’t want her to feel controlled in any way (although she would soon tell me, were that the case!)
Opposite_Funny9958@reddit
Anything involving physical exertion brings on hot flushes which floor me, so helping with the laundry (so long as you’re not mixing the colours and the whites!) for example would be a huge help. My hubby took on more the heavy lifting chores like that, which really helped. The main things though are to listen to her - let her moan about the thing without jumping in to ‘fix’ the thing. Often women don’t want the thing fixed, they just need to vent their frustrations about the thing. Sometimes a pair of ears is worth more than a pair of hands.
EngineersAnon@reddit
"Do you want suggestions, or just to talk?"
Opposite_Funny9958@reddit
No suggestions! Just the listening bit. Men are great at wanting to fix things but women’s don’t always want that - it’s the ears, the listening…….that’s gold. Afterwards, ask if there is anything you can do to help, but only afterwards - and still no suggestions unless they’re asked for please!
KEW95@reddit
Simple things like going to get a few bits from the shop so she doesn’t have to, doing chores that she normally does but doesn’t like, stocking up on ice/cold drinks, etc. Big decisions or preference decisions (eg. “what would you like for lunch/dinner?”, “would you like me to do X today?”, etc.) ask, but take over the boring ones that aren’t major (eg. don’t ask about chores she doesn’t like or that make her hotter, just do them, give her water/squash/juice with ice a couple of times a day because it isn’t major if she doesn’t drink it, but it still shows consideration, etc.).
catsfordayzzZZZ@reddit
Buy her the Sony Reon Pocket fan. She will love you forever
MadWifeUK@reddit
Just being understanding is the biggest one. She is going through puberty in reverse, but this time instead of being given a by-ball because "Oh, teenagers!" she is doing this while working, running a household, biting her tongue so as not to say what she's thinking of people, and trying not to let the fact that society doesn't really like women getting older bother her.
Know that when she says she's tired, she doesn't mean "Oh yawn, I think I'll go to bed 5 minutes early and that will see me right." She means she is bone-achingly, mind-numbingly exhausted. And that there is no rhyme or reason behind it; she could be fine after a busy day or she could be wiped out by sitting at a desk until lunchtime. She doesn't understand it at all, so please don't you try to either. Just lighten the load as much as you can for her.
Also be aware that the rage / depression / anxiety doesn't always have a reasonable trigger or may seem out of proportion to the trigger. I swear sometimes Mr Mad's beard is growing too loudly and I want to snot-cry while I'm ripping his head off. But just because there isn't a reasonable trigger doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. Accept it's not your fault, in fact it really doesn't have anything to do with you, but that she's fully experiencing these emotions so they are valid.
Mr Mad is being great. I'm on HRT now, but before that he would just quietly follow me around the kitchen putting the milk back in the fridge, turning the oven off, retrieving the car keys from the bread bin, etc. He's there with a hug if I need one, he's fine leaving me alone if that's what I need. He knows it's not on purpose, he knows it's not that he's at (real or imagined) fault. It's just a hormonal and physiological change that my body and brain are going through. And it's a bear hunt: we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go round it, we just have to go through it.
Repulsive-Note-112@reddit
This week I bought an air-conditioning unit from lidl. My partner is sleeping so much better with it on during the high temperatures. I'm also trying to take on more of the housework to give them more rest when they need it in this weather.
WaltzFirm6336@reddit
Buy her a portable air conditioner and a window seal for it. Double points: buy one for each floor of the house.
ItAintNoUse@reddit
Soak a couple of flannels or clean dish towels in cold water, wring them out, flatten them, and pop them in the freezer for a couple of minutes. Give one to your wife to pop on her head or the back of her neck. It helps a lot when you're feeling the heat. The other can serve as a replacement, so pop it in the fridge after a bit so it doesn't turn to a block of hard fabric, and have it ready to give to her or possibly pop in the freezer for a quick minute to replace the current flannel and repeat.
She could also soak in a cool/room temperature bath or soak her feet in cool water. Consider getting her some of her favourite ice cream, cold drinks, or ice lollies.
Keep all the blinds and curtains shut, and only open windows when it's colder outside than inside (mainly in the mornings and evenings/nighttime).
EmmaInFrance@reddit
Unfortunately, one of the most important things that you can do is go to medical appointments with her and speak up about how much she's suffering and struggling everyday.
That often seems the only way that women actually get proper treatment instead of being dismissed and hand-waved away with anti-depressants.
As others have already mentioned, r/menopause is an excellent resource. The Wiki there will have links to the most recent articles and studies on the menopause, including the most recent research, as published in the Lancet, that disproved over 20 years of fearmongering over treatments.
You'll also find a very long list of symptoms that aren't often talked about or recognised by GPs as being menopause related - dry eyes and itchy ears are real stand outs!
Be prepared for emotional dysregulation, caused by the hormonal changes which is completely out of her control.
Before HRT, I would burst into floods of tears over everything and nothing at all. I could get suddenly unreasonably snappy and grumpy in an almost comedic way - I would snap at something, and not know why I had, and apologise immediately.
Memory issues and brain fog make you feel as if you're losing your mind. I had to order a new bank card the other month because I couldn't remember my PIN, the same one that I've had for nearly 10 years!
Please, please encourage your wife to talk about it, and talk about it - in a supportive way - with other people too.
Menopause has been a silent, taboo topic for far too long.
Our generation is starting to break that stigma.
heroics-delta8s@reddit
The sex is going to stop, and there’s a depressingly high chance it won’t ever come back. She’ll still love you. But there it is. You’ll need to come to terms with that.
Scotsdee@reddit
I absolutely love that you've posted this plea for advice. A lot of other guys could learn from you
onlysigneduptoreply@reddit
Apparently Davina McCalls book is very good on this. Buy it for her but have a read yourself too.
EmmaInFrance@reddit
Her C4 documentaries are also excellent and have helped change the lives of millions of women by drawing attention to the lack of care available for menopausal women.
spittingparasite@reddit
Take some of the mental load. It's hard to focus and easy to become overwhelmed during menopause.
Suspicious-Brick@reddit
Also not sleeping well leads to feeling a bit wooly headed and out of it. It's nice to not have to think on those days as much.
butwhatsmyname@reddit
Handy one: get a good quality plastic bag without holes in - we use fancy bread bags.
Put plain flour in it. Enough to fill a cereal bowl to the top.
Tie a knot in it so there's still space for the flour to move around plenty.
Put it in the freezer.
And flexible ice pack which doesn't get wet/, covered in condensation.
MillyMcMophead@reddit
One thing that I found really useful because I had terrible hot flushes was to have one of those cheap wee handheld fans in every room.
Many years later I still get the awful hot flushes and still use the fans, they're a lifesaver. The menopause is the gift that just keeps on giving... Aaaaargh.
Longirl@reddit
My boyfriend has always had older girlfriends (although I’m 9 years younger than him) and we realised yesterday that he’s supported 3 women through menopause and is about to start all over again with me (poor man).
I asked him how he’s done it and he said ‘with a lot of patience’ 😂😂
I think the very fact that you’re asking the question shows what a lovely supportive partner you are, your gf is very lucky.
Majestic_Swordfish83@reddit
My other half did quite well, he was good at spotting when I was overwhelmed or just plain exhausted, when I was just trying to plough through as normal and not recognizing that I was overwhelmed.
He just got on doing the things I couldn't do without making the flushes worse. (We have a tiny kitchen that gets really hot, so he took over a lot of the cooking for a while because I just couldn't cope in there when cooking something like a Sunday roast, for instance.)
Keeping cool drinks on hand and things like cooling masks in the fridge helped a lot and weirdly, a handy blanket, because I would get really cold once the flush has gone, but only for a few minutes before flinging the blanket off again. (It was nice to have a snuggly blanket for those cold minutes though.)
I found that having a hand fan in my bag was really useful, just so I could whip it out when I needed it without the bulk of a battery fan and having to then get batteries. (I cracked the hand fan out on the bus earlier on, and I was suddenly aware that everyone was looking at me and going "omg, that's genius" and being totally envious.) They're also very good for waving people away when you just can't stand anymore bullshit, like some 18th century noble.
( There is a whole "language of fans" so you could both get a fan and do fan talk.)
A big thing that helped was him understand that it didn't mean that I didn't love him anymore when I decided I needed to sleep on my own for a bit. I would fidget so much and throw the bedding on and off all night, that neither of us got any proper sleep. It was like sleeping next to a radiator, and much as I love him, it was just too much with the flushes as well... Like. I want to snuggle with you, but I am on fire.
Having separate rooms for a bit made a huge difference, I didn't feel like I was ruining our sleep, If I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep I could go and make a cup of tea and mess about with my phone or read something or do houseplant maintenance without waking him up as well.
( Happy to say, we are back in the same bedroom now, much to the disgust of the dog, who had gotten used to 2 bedtime biscuits, and now only gets one, as there is only one bedtime.)
VioletDime@reddit
Everyone has done a great job on the heat issue. Hopefully l can help with general menopause advice.
In very very basic terms, it's a chemical imbalance, very weird stuff happens to your body that can range from inconvenient and confusing, to very scary. It sounds silly, but one day l forgot how to use the microwave l had had for 10 years, and the car when l had been driving fir 25 years. I thought l was going mad!
There is a very useful sub r/Menopause but they can be a bit frosty towards men. However, the pinned wiki pages are an excellent resource both for your understanding and your wife.
I personally appreciate any man wanting to understand more, because without my male partner gently encouraging and supporting (over 2 years!) I would be in a terrible place right now.
Depending on your postcode lottery many surgeries have dedicated menopause specialist, and if not already, discussing symptoms and HRT is a very good start.
Manage it as a team!
PhysicsForeign1634@reddit
Honestly, there are herbal teas that can be drunk to reduce the hot flushes. Apotheca in Faversham sell them and I expect they aren't alone.
grafter83@reddit
SAGE TABLETS- an absolute must, saved my life in terms of being able to regulate my body temperature better/get rid of hot flushes. However these take a few days to kick in so not an immediate fix, but honestly I swear by them.
Be patient with her, and understanding- but not too much so- this sounds bad but I will explain. If my partner was too accommodating I would perhaps turn into a rampaging cow... however, my partner is empathetic, but still wouldn't accept me being a bit of a bitch. This is good for me as if I was to be a bit of an unfettered bitch then afterwards I would feel even worse! Does that make sense? Maybe not, it's hot and I'm menopausal...🤣
Supplements in general if she isn't on any, helped saved my mental and physical health- DM for details if interested, but honestly there's a wealth of information available about these online.
In terms of here and now- take some of the mental load of the home where you can, if you already don't (which by the sounds of you I'm betting you do). Invest in a portable AC if budget allows- if not a fan and ice/wet towels for a redneck AC 🤣. Bedding is also super important- you can get cotton moisturiser wicking light duvets, bedding and pillows- again, helped me massively. Also, pjs! I used to be a nakey sleeper but now that's far too sweaty and I'm actually cooler in XXL mens cotton t-shirts, and M&S do a nice pair of pj bottoms- cool comfort ones that are great- stick to her normal size tho, don't be tempted to get bigger for comfort, they run big.
Apart from all of this, just carry on good sir- maybe show her this post. Bless your heart. The fact you care so much is actually pretty much all you need. You're a good egg.
grafter83@reddit
Oh and a neck fan!! Bloody marvellous contraption!
messedup73@reddit
My husband made me cry he had put two hot water bottles in the freezer and popped them in the bed to cool me down when my hot flushes were bad.Be understanding moods may fluctuate and sometimes she might snap just keep calm and just ask if she needs help or just a hug.The other thing is lube lots of it we take longer to get aroused and can dry up quickly its not your fault estrogen is dropping and we can get sore.Im lucky my husband is so patient with me and is an amazing listener you sound like him too.
Curious_Ad3766@reddit
For a couple of days the temperature got over 30 degrees so my dad booked local hotel with air conditioning for my mom
Pantles@reddit
Your dad is wonderful for doing this! ❤️
SoggyWotsits@reddit
I have a little fan with an ultrasonic misting thing built in. The water only lasts a few minutes before running out, but it’s fantastic. I’m limited on drug options because my early menopause was caused by breast cancer treatment. No HRT for me unfortunately.
A really simple tip that doesn’t involve buying anything is draping a wet cloth over either your neck, or wrist, or any bit that’s uncovered in bed. A flannel works best as it holds lots of water, but any cloth will do.
kifflington@reddit
Carry one of those little paper fold-up fans so you or her can fan her when she has a hot flush. Pack of wetwipes is good too.
If she's grumpy or snappy try staying in a neutral mode then a couple of minutes later ask her how she's doing/feeling without, and I cannot stress this enough, without pointing out that she was being a bit cunty. Until I got on a working regime of helpful things I was like a stick of sweaty dynamite and hated that about myself. I was doing my best to contain it, and I imagine your wife is too.
Tell her she's beautiful (when my mum was having hot flushes my dad used to call her his hot bit of stuff and I thought that was so sweet). Menopause sometimes feels like the gateway to being a raddled old crone and a few words against that probably won't go amiss.
Source: am 51 year old woman, couple of years post-menopause.
WoodpeckerDry4430@reddit
his hot bit of stuff ❤️
Love that! Good on your Dad!
Mental_Body_5496@reddit
Try not to snore or eat with your mouth open - generally dont make any noise at all - just provide food and drink and clean the toilet after yourself!
Ancient-Awareness115@reddit
Electrolytes if she is feeling faint. I like the lucozade sports
Ok_Introduction_1882@reddit
You are making a great start just asking what you can help with. Dont think my partner even noticed. Actually I tell a lie he once said " wow you're face is bright red" when we were out somewhere.
According_East5441@reddit
Not a menopausal woman, but I work with women in peri menopause and menopausal chapters of life, highly recommend the book Wise Power, for both of you to read. Wise Power by Alexandra Pope. It’s all about the Power of Menopause.
WoodpeckerDry4430@reddit
I had better come of our peri-menopause as f*rking wonderwoman or I will be looking for a refund!
According_East5441@reddit
You get to choose that. If you want it you can have it.
WoodpeckerDry4430@reddit
Ah here. Can I also choose to be a billionaire and a benevolent genius?
Look, if it works / worked for you, more power to your elbow. But all sounds very woo-woo.
Timely_Egg_6827@reddit
Best thing was agetting one of those large cooling pads for dogs and having under a thin sheet
Acrobatic-Rabbit2660@reddit
I have one of them. I stick it in the freezer then put it under a towel. Just make sure you have a waterproof mattress protector first.
speckledchickhen@reddit
Buy her a rechargeable fan get a back up and a portable charger. Make it your “job” to ensure they are always charged.
House air con unit if budget allows.
Windows, blinds and curtains closed on hot days during the day and only open at night.
Get a spray mist bottle of water so she can spray some on hot parts of her body as needed.
A flannel / face towel / micro fibre cloth on the neck (especially the back), the armpits, the wrists or the groin are cooling.
A cold shower.
Lots of ice cubes in the freezer ready for cold drinks. Ice cream. Sorbet. Yoghurt.
Electrolytes ( the kind that marathon runners have) and creatine powder ( the kind that body builders use) added to water. To help with losing minerals when sweating excessively.
No caffeine and no sugar to lessen cortisol and insulin spikes. Have caffeine and sugar free if she needs the taste.
A calm, clean and tidy house.
Minimal noise (at least for her), maybe buy noise cancelling headphones if necessary.
Light snacks like salad but also protein bits (think picnic food) fish, chicken, tofu, quorn so she can eat bits and bobs and not have deal with a big meal when hot.
Also make an appt with her doctor for her to discuss options for possible changes to her medication as what she is on now may not be sufficient.
You’re a wonderful partner for caring enough to ask for help.
satanisaniceperson@reddit
A hand held fan is useful
newtonbase@reddit
Takes notes
knitter78@reddit
My husband strips and changes the bed
We have a house full of fans and the water swamp cooler fans.
He always ensures there is ice and cold berries in the fridge to have with yoghurt or sourcream when my blood sugar plummets.
He encourages me to soak in the bath, I have joint issues so need help out so its easier to shower but baths are helpful for the migraines.
He paid for private treatment when NHS fobbed me off, he comes to my appointments and helps advocate for me as brain fog is real.
He just keeps me going, although he does say even Satan couldn't sleep next to me as I'm too hot and he takes the piss about my side quests from brain fog. Yes I did go to put the kettle on and end up cleaning the bathroom because I found something that needed putting away.
Few_Barracuda_7897@reddit
you may need to have a check up if their is dizziness
eeyorethechaotic@reddit
Things i find helpful, practically:
-Ice pops/ice lollies - lots of! Always in the freezer -Cooling towel (i keep it in a reusable ziploc bag in the fridge, pre-soaked, when not using. Lovely on the back of your neck, or to wipe your face when out and about in the heat) -Portable Misting fan -Cooling blanket for the bed at night (can't have actual bedding in this heat)
-Cold packs in fridge for the back of my neck
MelmanCourt@reddit
If I could recommend anything it would be communicate.
My peri-menopausal wife left me last August after nearly 23 years of marriage. I was a good husband and dad but I think i fell in to a trap of assuming everything was the peri-menopause.
Don't assume anything. Keep asking. Be there for her emotionally as well as physically, be patient.
Good luck
ams3000@reddit
With the brain fog - don’t say things like I’ve told you a million times or remind them they forgot. We can feel our grasp on memory being loose at it makes us feel worse knowing it’s pissing others off to repeat themselves.
McLeod3577@reddit
Give a light touch of sympathy when she needs it, and stay well out of the way when she doesn't.
Don't try to offer solutions to any of her problems, just support and sympathy,
Don't put on any telly that will make her cry.
WoodpeckerDry4430@reddit
Here is all the stuff my partner does that helps me (your milage may vary - maybe show her the list and ask her what she thinks would help (not annoy) her:
- Marks med dates on the kitchen calendar so I can request repeat prescriptions before they are needed (running out of HRT is no joke)
- Makes sure we have mint tea in (caffeine makes me flush)
- Charges the little hand held fan if I forget
- Tops up Ice in freezer (non-negociable)
- Encourages me to exercise when I am getting in my own way, overthinking/fed up
- Actively works on his natural inclination to be pernickety
- Does not blame me for my decisions, if a curry makes me blush, and I have a curry and are now sitting here lit up like the Traffic Light Tree, well sure that's no one's business but my own
- Reminds me that like exams, job interviews, crying babies, and periods out of work, this too shall pass
Jolly-Bandicoot7162@reddit
Has she spoken to a doctor? I thought I was managing well, until I hit a patch of utter exhaustion (watch said I was getting about 20 minutes of deep sleep a night and I can believe it) and felt like I was only days from failing to function at all and needing to be off sick. Saw the doc, had a patch slapped on two days later, symptoms eased within days, and only 3 months on do I realise how many symptoms I was having. Not perfect now, but so much better.
KindlyAppointment973@reddit
Are you able to get a portable air con unit?
You sound ever so supportive already by simply caring about her comfort. My dad has been amazing with my mum, anything she's needed to feel comfortable she's not been afraid or embarrassed to ask him for help as he does so gladly and without judgement.
Lots of water, quick access to cool packs or damp cloths, comfy clothing and small but frequent meals can help. Caffeine used to really affect my mum's flushes and so they switched to decaf. My mum was miserable without a decent cuppa so they pretended he was just crap at making tea rather than it being weak decaf and that charade helped and gave them a laugh every time lol.
Shoddy-Tutor-8290@reddit
When out and about, keep an instant ice pack with you. When at home, just take care of things needing done without her having to ask. Take the rubbish out. Make dinner. Grab her a cool towel. Tell her you love her.
fartmaxxer420@reddit
Try your best to anticipate her needs rather than waiting until she asks for something. See her feeling uncomfortably hot? Wring a clean towel in cold water and give it to her for instant relief, ask her if she wants an orange juice or ice water, etc. There are various gel packs you can pop in the freezer and put on your eyes, use as a pillow, wear around your neck, and they can probably be discreetly carried around in public too. A thermos flask with icy water to carry around is also such a relief on a hot day.
Many_Ad_4130@reddit
Did your wife try ice cubes on the underside of her wrists, where the veins are visible? That’s more to keep the heart rate down but maybe works
Maybe a - - cold food bath - damp towel on the forehead
Get some silk bed sheets this should also help to keep cool.
I currently use just a linen sheet for sleeping and spray some water over it before bedtime.
I wish my husband would be a bit like you… thinking about how to support you through a second significant change of hormones
Otherwise_Button1979@reddit
Water mist then Hand held electric fan can help cool. You can get sprays with a bit of menthol in for hot flushes. Choice of bedding, and separate bedding may help both of you be comfier (as a menopausal lady with a partner who feels the cold, we had our own covers the last few nights) Frozen things - ice pops, grapes, whatever suits taste/nutrition/treat needs. Layers for when the power surges hit. Keep a handheld fan by you so you can leap into cooling action when needed. Hot flushes can come with emotional surges as well. Take some of the load off. What parts of her work load can you take off her hands for a bit so she can chill out mentally as well as physically?
Sugarlips_80@reddit
Immediate advice would be the same for anyone - plenty of fluids (and electrolytes), stay indoors/in the shade, wear light weight clothing ideally cotton or bamboo if possible, cold showers can help to cool down, limit activity etc. but as a hot flush is a hormonal event there is nothing beyond medical treatment that can "stop" them and even than there is no garentee that HRT will stop them. It is management more than anything else.
When in public I would suggest that you follow her lead. If she wants support then give it - help her to remove herself from the situation, find somewhere quiet to sit and try to relax and cool down, ensure she has a cool drink etc. But it might be that she doesn't want to draw attention to it in which case carry on as normal. It can be embarrassing to suddenly lose control of your bodies heating system and have no way to stop it and sometimes just limiting fuss and remaining calm /not adding to the drama of it all can help but it really is individual to her.
I would say that ever woman is different and I am sure you are trying to be helpful but at times "being helpful" can also add to the irritation and hormonal upheaval of it all. Basic empathy and kindness go a long way. Offering to cook a meal, clean the house, take some of the emotional load (if you don't do so already) can help take the pressure off her, lower stress and so help balance hormones.
Long term is for her to speak to a dr about treatment or change of treatment if the one she is taking isnt working for her.
Healthy_Pilot_6358@reddit
Remember that every woman experiencing it is different. Just cos 1 woman had ‘symptom’ doesn’t mean all women do and visa versa. Don’t diminish how she feels. Remember that 2 ‘illnesses’ can be happening at one time and it might not be all menopause related and might need checking out. Don’t let her get fobbed off by medical people.
DaveBeBad@reddit
Earplugs and a thick skin - you’ll probably need both!
More seriously, try to understand her limitations and work to her. If she needs 10 mins to cool down, take it rather than plough on regardless.
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