I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but if you look back on life with no regrets or guilt about things you've done or said, you haven't developed as a person.
The fact you feel bad shows maturity and compassion. It's very normal and a positive thing.
You're experiencing growth and you should be proud of yourself. Growth is painful, and getting caught up in thoughts is a real problem (I'm doing it myself lately) but getting past moments like this whilst taking the lesson is how we become better people.
Practically nobody on this planet has never done something they don’t regret. It’s how we learn not to do silly things.
Do something positive. Buy some seed and feed your local ducks or put a bird feeder out in your garden
You were young and doing what kids do, you didn't know any better, you can help the guilt and do your part in helping animals by not turning into one of those nasty little pricks who purposely hurt them and call out any of your friends or peers who do.
The swan wasn't hit and may not even have noticed the stone.
You realised this was a bad thing and decided to never do it again. That means you developed a conscience. Thus is a good thing. Nobody and nothing was hurt (except for your conscience.)
Take it as a win : most of us learn from mistakes.
These are pubescent thinking issues, the reality is guilt breeds anxiety you are guilty of being young that’s all. You gave matured so no need to rethink the past.
OK, sometimes we have to forgive our younger selves for the stupid things we did. That is something literally everyone goes through in one way or another.
The fact you are dwelling on this now shows what a kind and compassionate person you are. That's far more important than what you did in that moment, it outweighs it a hundred fold.
But you have to set your mind on what is useful. What did you learn? It sounds like this was a helpful experience for you, because it taught you a lot about how much you love animals, and hate cruelty.
If you let the guilt become a stick to beat yourself with, that's no help. You're just being cruel to yourself instead. Let your feelings over what you did teach you to be a better person, but don't let them fool you into thinking you're a bad person. Bad people don't have those thoughts.
OK, sometimes we have to forgive our younger selves for the stupid things we did. That is something literally everyone goes through in one way or another.
The fact you are dwelling on this now shows what a kind and compassionate person you are. That's far more important than what you did in that moment, it outweighs it a hundred fold.
But you have to set your mind on what is useful. What did you learn? It sounds like this was a helpful experience for you, because it taught you a lot about how much you love animals, and hate cruelty.
If you let the guilt become a stick to beat yourself with, that's no help. You're just being cruel to yourself instead. Let your feelings over what you did teach you to be a better person, but don't let them fool you into thinking you're a bad person. Bad people don't have those thoughts.
You're feeling bad about it and that shows you're empathetic, which is great. There was no harm done and if it's any consolation, the swan would have done you in if it wanted to.
OP has OCD. Worrying to an irrational/unreasonable level that they have done something wrong is all part and parcel of the disorder. Many people with OCD become obsessed with the idea that they may have hurt someone (or in this case something) without realising. So they are probably worrying that the swan was harmed in some way despite remembering that they didn't hit it - some people worry their memories are false for example
Oh, I see. I figured you weren't particularly familiar with it because you seemed confused as to why they would be worried/what they would be worried about. It's pretty classic OCD.
Nope. You were a little kid who did something without thinking about the potential consequences. You've reflected on that and learned.
A lot of people don't do that, they do learn. You have. That's a big win. Turn the memory into a positive thought. You did something and learned from it.
The fact that you recognise that what you did was wrong, and that the animal wasn't harmed shows that you aren't lacking in empathy. The fact it bothers you just means that you made a mistake and have learned from it. Recognise how you feel now and use that to power your sense of moderation and control. Next time you have the opportunity to do something unkind, you'll remember how you feel and won't do it.
As for watching others do unspeakable things, we've all been there and have to live with those things. I have stories myself of things I witnessed or was a unwiting party to that I look back on and wonder why I didn't realise what was happening at the time. If you can intervene safely, then do. But don't compromise your own safety because of other people's poor choices.
Something I tell myself every day (because these things haunt me, too) when I see stories of cruelty and neglect is that we can only affect things directly in our own lives. We can't control the action of others. We can't protect animals from the cruelty of others. All we can do is show compassion and kindness ourselves. Step in where we can. Make a difference where we can. Keep your own conscience clear and know in your heart that you are good and kind and safe. That is all you can do. It helps me to remind myself of that.
I know this is largely a joke but it's probably not a good idea to recommend a compensatory ritual like this to a child struggling with OCD. It could quite easily turn into a compulsion
This is ‘reassurance seeking’ behaviour and is a part of your OCD. It is not a good idea to indulge in it as it can reenforce the OCD cycle.
*Similar to compulsive checking, people with OCD may seek reassurance in an attempt to relieve doubts or concerns. Unlike checking, however, reassurance seeking transfers the responsibility onto another person, by asking them to assuage fears, or confirm that you’ve done nothing wrong.* that’s from this link here.
It is something you need to make your therapist aware about because they will be able to help you with techniques to recognise and prevent it with healthier outlets.
As I said in another comment. I’m aware. I’m sorry if this makes me seem like an ass, but I guess due to not having much people irl to talk to, I’ll bring my problems to Reddit, but in the meantime I’ll be more cautious.
It wasn’t meant to be a criticism at all, just an observation from one person with OCD to another! It’s just a bad (but completely understandable) habit to start because it becomes a bit of an addictive cycle that is very hard to break. My therapist was talking about a (nameless)client who constantly thought she had hit and killed someone on her way home, and would bombard her husband with questions for hours every day about whether maybe she had. It understandably was causing a massive strain on their relationship but they only started making progress when the husband learnt to start saying ‘I don’t know’ rather than trying to calm her with ‘you haven’t’ because he was reinforcing the cycle of her needing to be soothed and reassured. It’s good you have your therapist and your sister who seems very supportive. It will get better!
Yeah. And while there's nothing wrong with this thread, depending on the circumstances reassurance-seeking on Reddit can sometimes be a bit of a dick move.
I'm bi, and for a while some of the lesbian/wlw subreddits intermittently had an issue with this girl with homosexuality-OCD who was stressing out about comp-het ('compulsory heterosexuality', or the idea that society socialises women to assume they're attracted to men by default, which can result in people not realising that they're gay until later on life) because she was married and scared of losing her husband.
She would compulsively post these long rants about how she wasn't attracted to women at all and had been watching lesbian porn to check, but how do you tell if you're straight or just experiencing comp-het?
Eventually people were like "Please leave us out of this. We can't help you, and this is meant to be a positive space for women who are attracted to other women, not for straight women who find us disgusting to describe in great detail how repelled they are by us and how scared they are by the slightest chance that they could be like us".
I think the point they’re trying to make is that when you’re seeking reassurance from an outside source, it’s not that you’re doing anything bad or immoral, you’re just doing something that exacerbates your OCD, and so for your own mental health it’s not something people here should be engaging in - they’re not actually helping you.
Indeed, for anyone, not just sufferers of OCD, the problem with seeking outside validation or reassurance is that it is a temporary fix. True processing of those thoughts comes from being able to confidently and firmly reassure *yourself*. You can’t build resilience or self-esteem off the backs of other people, because they won’t always be there to provide it. But you’re with you 24hrs a day, and so you’ll always be there to soothe yourself.
Please don’t worry. You have nothing to feel bad about. You were a child and threw a pebble, it’s no big deal. Please don’t punish yourself over it now. You sound like a good person.
I need to share my guilt. I was skipping stones on a bay. But this one stone didn't go the way I intended, skipped all the way to a duck and hit it right in the bum (or duck equivalent) skipping low to get it under the feathers. I was 30, and it was an accident. The duck gave me such a dirty look.
OP, regrettable things happen in our past. We can't undo them, but we can learn from them.
Seeking reassurance over incredibly minor behaviour like this is both:
A) part of your OCD
B) really, really bad for your OCD.
Every time you seek reassurance for these minor things that you should be able to self-soothe on, you strengthen the behaviour and reinforce in your brain “I need to seek reassurance for everything I do or have done”. It takes you deeper down the spiral.
This is not me criticising or attacking you. But posts like this are only going to worsen your anxiety. You need to be seeking treatment and therapy, not seeking reassurance for tiny, forgettable behaviour online.
Start by imagining someone you look up to “confessing”. If they said “when I was 8, I threw a pebble at a swan, it didn’t hit the animal.” Would you judge them or would you wonder why on earth they still feel bad about that 6 years later when it’s literally nothing?
The behaviour itself is entirely forgiveable given age and context. Are you receiving support for your OCD?
I would talk to your GP / specialist / a trusted adult at school about this. The obsessive intrusive thoughts are the issue, not the behaviour. I wish you all the best.
The fact you feel guilty shows how much you care. You must be a good person if you care so much. Please forgive yourself, kids do stupid shit, and nothing bad happened anyway.
This is a relief as I saw an 8yo friend of my daughter throw a stone at a swan with glee, and I wondered if he was an irredeemable sociopath. However, it sounds like there is absolutely scope for empathetic growth.
As someone else with OCD, this is reassurance seeking and a symptom of your OCD. It’s good you’re receiving treatment, keep going with it and mention this. I’ve found ERP to be really helpful and it absolutely does get better and easier.
You’re sounding a lot like my sister, which is a compliment as she’s helping me a lot with my OCD. I’m also currently going into ERP, I guess the loneliness of being in my house seeing none of my friends makes me want to go into the internet whenever I’m not in a session.
I’m glad your sister is able to help :). I definitely meant it from a place of relating, as I do it too and it’s a hard one to kick. Especially as it feels like quite a low cost thing to do, but being aware of it is a big part of it. I hope ERP works well for you!
I also have OCD, I think it’s extremely hard to overcome reassurance seeking. You’re doing really good by identifying that your OCD is the source of your guilt right now. I would recommend trying to accept the memory & feelings, and try to not ruminate/distract yourself until you’re able to bring it up in therapy.
The best way to stop the guilt is to work with your therapist on treating the OCD, which I think you know. I wish there was a simpler solution and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
You focus on your OCD rather than trying to logic your way out of having feelings. Crucially, you can’t try and repress or get upset about the intrusive thoughts, you have to learn to acknowledge them and then dismiss them.
In this case specifically, when you think about it and start feeling guilty, you should take a deep breath in and say to yourself (in your head or outloud, either works) “okay, but I did not do anything wrong there” and then you need to continue what youre doing. It wont make the intrusive magically resolve first time, but over time it’ll make it a lot easier to push past them and stop them from hounding you.
The thing with intrusive thoughts is that they thrive off acknowledgements (and that includes trying to ‘reason them out’, or trying to ignore them). Theres also that whole experiment where if you tell someone to talk/think about ‘anything but pink elephants’ theyll struggle because trying to avoid them will mean theyre thinking about them more.
In the long run, the aim is to get to a point where you accept them but you can brush past them easily without them impacting you. It requires a little bit of ‘fake it till you make it’, but it is doable. No dwelling, no trying to argue against, no nothing. Just ‘okay, but no.’ And then move on with your life.
And im sorry about the ocd but im glad you have a (good?) therapist, i hope you can start putting some good coping mechanisms and support systems in place.
Hey friend, this isn't something to drown yourself in. There is no Wrong to be Righted. But, if you want to do a good thing, a small donation to your closest wildlife sanctuary to help the local swans would be a nice thing. Just a couple of pounds would buy some snacks for a recovering swan.
We all make mistakes. We all do stupid things. It's a learning process. You didn't hurt the swan or anyone else. You're always be a friend to swans now, because you're big hearted enough to empathise and care, which means you're a great person who'll do brilliant things.
I threw a stone at a seagull once as a kid. It donked it on the head (surprisingly, given my crap aim) and he flew off. Immediately felt awful about it and still think about it from time to time almost 30 years later.
You didn't hit the bird, kids do stupid shit. Don't worry yourself. There's always idiots like me who have done way worse! Just don't do it again and you'll be golden.
The philosopher Nietzsche said "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". Your attempt at stoning a swan will have taught that swan a useful lesson, that humans are not to be trusted. You may well have saved it from a much worse fate than a stone in the future.
OP sounds more mature and responsible than most adults I know.
I think being able to own up to a mistake, take accountability and learn from it is one of the hardest things we ever have to do and it's incredible just how many grown ass adults have never managed to pull it off!
The fact at 14 you already have the self awareness to reflect on past actions means you are mild ahead of most adults, this won’t go. It will be a curse and a blessing your whole life and it’s how you harness it that decides that outcome.
It is not the mistakes we make in life that define us, it is how we respond to them and you sir are doing a fantastic job at 14. Give yourself a pat on the back and start giving yourself some room to make mistakes, you will learn from them with the attitude you’ve displayed here.
I got scared when you mentioned chasing pigs, when I was younger and one time I travelled up a hill with family, I found sheep. I chased them, not in a violent way, I guess to try catch them in a playful way, but I guess me mentioning this is another case of me putting standards I have currently on mr in the past.
Dude, my friend's daughter stripped nekkid (she was about 4, I think) except for her shoes and chased sheep - and two grown adults and 3 older children chased nekkid child! I'm sure it looked like a comedy sketch! Small kids chase animals, not for bad reasons - don't be so hard on yourself, please. You come across as a thoughtful, kind, emotionally mature young man now and it's very refreshing. Be kind to yourself.
We all have parts of us that do (or think of doing) bad/stupid things sometimes. It doesn’t mean we are a bad person. The important thing is to have compassion for the part of us that did (or thought of doing) the bad/stupid thing. And to be curious (in a kind way) about what was (or is) going on for us that made part of us do (or think of doing) the thing. I’m glad you have a therapist that you can talk with about it all.
You are now grown enough to realise that it was a bad thing to do, which will likely make you never do it again. But when you were younger, you didn’t have that same understanding. As long as you don’t intend to do it again, you should forgive yourself. You have learned the lesson it needed to teach you. If you would forgive another small child who didn’t know better for doing something like this, you can use that reasoning to forgive yourself too.
I think a lot of what we do that results in shame or guilt can be forgiven due to our intentions. Any time that guilt creeps up on you, remind yourself that you haven’t done it again and that you won’t. Your intentions have made you a better person. You learned and you grew. That’s all anyone can do, at any age 😊
What you did to the swan seems really pretty harmless. You, yourself, seem to acknowledge and understand that it wasn't a serious thing since you know it wasn't harmed in the slightest.
So I would say that if you feel terrible about it, and "can't get it out of your mind", then that's no *really* about the swan, but something else it's associated with in your mind. Where does the feeling of guilt really come from?
Like I get quite triggered by certain things which are on the face of it quite minor, due to my childhood experiences.
Sounds to me like you need to deal with whatever the root "thing" is and then you'll likely find that the guilt passes too?
Childhood is a stage for discovering boundaries. You discovered one. I suspect you feel bad not because you worry that you hurt the swan, but because of your own capacity for cruelty. Well, good news, you did something bad and you feel bad about it, you're working as intended. Let it teach you to be kind to others, kinder than you would have been without this lesson.
You've learned from a bad experience and your attitudes and behaviour has changed. You don't want to do it and you won't do it again. That's learning from experience, we all make mistakes and learn from them - especially in adult life. You didn't hurt anything, don't beat yourself up. You learned from your mistake and have grown 😄
Although I agree with other commenter that you feeling remorse now us enough, if you feel you need to do something to balance the scales, why not sponsor/adopt a swan? That way you are doing something to better swans' lives.
Alternatively, if you have a large park with a pond near you, there might be a volunteer group that organises park cleanups and fundraising etc. I'm sure they'd love a young volunteer who is full of energy and ideas to help the wildlife in the park.
Honestly, that is not a bad idea at all, if I lived near one, I’d know I did well. The last time I was near swans, I definitely understood that they were animals trying to live through life like all of us, so if that was possible for me, I’d definitely hop up on that case!
My take, and how I've dealt with similar feelings: guilt is self-punishment for bad acts. If you have learned to never do that again, and to prevent others from doing the same, then the guilt has served its function and can be safely packed away into memory. If you feel you owe nature something, do a good thing for the nature near you (clear some litter from a riverbank, for example) and dedicate the act to your apology for your action then tell yourself out loud that you no longer need to feel guilty for that pebble.
We all do stupid things as kids without giving much thought to it. The fact that, at 14, you're already feeling guilty about this suggests you're extremely mature both socially and emotionally. I imagine most 14 year old boys would still think it was funny to throw stones at animals.
It's important you don't punish yourself for this. Instead, treat it as a realisation that you've grown as a person and be proud of the individual you've become.
Would it help at all to actually go say sorry to a swan as a sort of species representative? Explain that you were very little and didn’t know better but now you do. (Cygnets also do daft things sometimes…). You probably won’t get an answer but if you bring along a few swan safe snacks like a handful of peas or corn they will probably be gratefully accepted…. Would that lessen the guilt maybe?
You did no harm, you don’t owe them anything, but if it might help you, go for it.
I mean you did it, felt guilt and now know how doing bad makes you feel. So it done it's job. Holding onto the guilt doesn't do you or the swan any good if lesson taken. So I'd put it aside as life experience with lesson learnt.
You were 8. At that age, we all do things like that which could end up in harm. Luckily for you, the swan wasn't harmed! And you know that you didn't mean what you did. The fact that you feel guilty now shows that you're not a bad guy, and we both know you would never do that again. Don't worry too much about it- like you said, the swan wasn't harmed, and you didn't do it with the intention of hurting it. Hope this helps <3
You did a silly thing as a young child. You reflected on it and learned from it. That’s called growing up! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself. Let it go.
Maybe get some specialise wild bird food and feed some local swans to say ‘sorry’ and make peace ❤️
Forgive yourself. You were a kid. Kids do stupid shit all the time. This one being quite tame. You didn't hit the swan, and you clearly know better now and wouldn't do it again.
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Barkasia@reddit
Too late I'm afraid, that swan's been training for revenge ever since.
DancingSpacePenguin@reddit
The swan is under your bed, plotting away!
Psycho_Splodge@reddit
It's going to break his arm
Outside_Acanthaceae7@reddit
Like that Spearow Ash once hit.
oh_f-f-s@reddit
I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but if you look back on life with no regrets or guilt about things you've done or said, you haven't developed as a person.
The fact you feel bad shows maturity and compassion. It's very normal and a positive thing.
SavageRabbitX@reddit
You were a young kid, you didn't know better now you do, kids do lots of horrible/weird/random shit growing that part of growing up.
The Key is being able to learn and grow because of the things and be better
lost-in-midgard@reddit
Did you know then what you know now?
Will you learn from this?
Will you do better from this moment onwards?
You're experiencing growth and you should be proud of yourself. Growth is painful, and getting caught up in thoughts is a real problem (I'm doing it myself lately) but getting past moments like this whilst taking the lesson is how we become better people.
idontlikemondays321@reddit
Practically nobody on this planet has never done something they don’t regret. It’s how we learn not to do silly things.
Do something positive. Buy some seed and feed your local ducks or put a bird feeder out in your garden
The-Ginger-Lily@reddit
You were young and doing what kids do, you didn't know any better, you can help the guilt and do your part in helping animals by not turning into one of those nasty little pricks who purposely hurt them and call out any of your friends or peers who do.
Make sure you continue to get help for your ocd
thecatsothermother@reddit
You were 8.
You threw a stone at a Swan.
The swan wasn't hit and may not even have noticed the stone.
You realised this was a bad thing and decided to never do it again. That means you developed a conscience. Thus is a good thing. Nobody and nothing was hurt (except for your conscience.)
Take it as a win : most of us learn from mistakes.
MerchantofDoom@reddit
Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe find some and feed them every so often. You will feel rewarded back.
Kayanne1990@reddit
You sound like a good lad.
Better_beme@reddit
These are pubescent thinking issues, the reality is guilt breeds anxiety you are guilty of being young that’s all. You gave matured so no need to rethink the past.
behemuffin@reddit
OK, sometimes we have to forgive our younger selves for the stupid things we did. That is something literally everyone goes through in one way or another.
The fact you are dwelling on this now shows what a kind and compassionate person you are. That's far more important than what you did in that moment, it outweighs it a hundred fold.
But you have to set your mind on what is useful. What did you learn? It sounds like this was a helpful experience for you, because it taught you a lot about how much you love animals, and hate cruelty.
If you let the guilt become a stick to beat yourself with, that's no help. You're just being cruel to yourself instead. Let your feelings over what you did teach you to be a better person, but don't let them fool you into thinking you're a bad person. Bad people don't have those thoughts.
behemuffin@reddit
OK, sometimes we have to forgive our younger selves for the stupid things we did. That is something literally everyone goes through in one way or another.
The fact you are dwelling on this now shows what a kind and compassionate person you are. That's far more important than what you did in that moment, it outweighs it a hundred fold.
But you have to set your mind on what is useful. What did you learn? It sounds like this was a helpful experience for you, because it taught you a lot about how much you love animals, and hate cruelty.
If you let the guilt become a stick to beat yourself with, that's no help. You're just being cruel to yourself instead. Let your feelings over what you did teach you to be a better person, but don't let them fool you into thinking you're a bad person. Bad people don't have those thoughts.
pervertsage@reddit
You're feeling bad about it and that shows you're empathetic, which is great. There was no harm done and if it's any consolation, the swan would have done you in if it wanted to.
In time you'll feel less guilt.
hughesyg@reddit
But you didn’t even hit it…. Are you worried the swan got splashed or what?
BeatificBanana@reddit
OP has OCD. Worrying to an irrational/unreasonable level that they have done something wrong is all part and parcel of the disorder. Many people with OCD become obsessed with the idea that they may have hurt someone (or in this case something) without realising. So they are probably worrying that the swan was harmed in some way despite remembering that they didn't hit it - some people worry their memories are false for example
hughesyg@reddit
I know what OCD is. Cheers.
BeatificBanana@reddit
Oh, I see. I figured you weren't particularly familiar with it because you seemed confused as to why they would be worried/what they would be worried about. It's pretty classic OCD.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
No, I’m more or less thinking of the worst case scenario.
hughesyg@reddit
That is the worst case scenario if you didn’t hit it
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
Ah, well in that case that didn’t happen, so I guess I’m not an animal abuser.
ArmouredFlump@reddit
Nope. You were a little kid who did something without thinking about the potential consequences. You've reflected on that and learned.
A lot of people don't do that, they do learn. You have. That's a big win. Turn the memory into a positive thought. You did something and learned from it.
Go easy on yourself kid.
Vequihellin@reddit
The fact that you recognise that what you did was wrong, and that the animal wasn't harmed shows that you aren't lacking in empathy. The fact it bothers you just means that you made a mistake and have learned from it. Recognise how you feel now and use that to power your sense of moderation and control. Next time you have the opportunity to do something unkind, you'll remember how you feel and won't do it.
As for watching others do unspeakable things, we've all been there and have to live with those things. I have stories myself of things I witnessed or was a unwiting party to that I look back on and wonder why I didn't realise what was happening at the time. If you can intervene safely, then do. But don't compromise your own safety because of other people's poor choices.
Something I tell myself every day (because these things haunt me, too) when I see stories of cruelty and neglect is that we can only affect things directly in our own lives. We can't control the action of others. We can't protect animals from the cruelty of others. All we can do is show compassion and kindness ourselves. Step in where we can. Make a difference where we can. Keep your own conscience clear and know in your heart that you are good and kind and safe. That is all you can do. It helps me to remind myself of that.
Fionacat@reddit
Go to a pond, bring some frozen peas and feed the animals, one at a time so it sucks and feels like a punishment.
With each pea cast asunder whisper, sorry I was a jerk, I didn't know better.
Alternatively you can look at you throwing a stone at the swan as enhancing it's chances of avoiding the next stone, practice does make perfect.
BeatificBanana@reddit
I know this is largely a joke but it's probably not a good idea to recommend a compensatory ritual like this to a child struggling with OCD. It could quite easily turn into a compulsion
draenog_@reddit
I don't think that giving someone with OCD an idea for a compulsive behaviour to punish themselves with is necessarily the best approach. 🙃
Trotterswithatwist@reddit
This is ‘reassurance seeking’ behaviour and is a part of your OCD. It is not a good idea to indulge in it as it can reenforce the OCD cycle.
*Similar to compulsive checking, people with OCD may seek reassurance in an attempt to relieve doubts or concerns. Unlike checking, however, reassurance seeking transfers the responsibility onto another person, by asking them to assuage fears, or confirm that you’ve done nothing wrong.*
that’s from this link here.
It is something you need to make your therapist aware about because they will be able to help you with techniques to recognise and prevent it with healthier outlets.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
As I said in another comment. I’m aware. I’m sorry if this makes me seem like an ass, but I guess due to not having much people irl to talk to, I’ll bring my problems to Reddit, but in the meantime I’ll be more cautious.
Trotterswithatwist@reddit
It wasn’t meant to be a criticism at all, just an observation from one person with OCD to another! It’s just a bad (but completely understandable) habit to start because it becomes a bit of an addictive cycle that is very hard to break. My therapist was talking about a (nameless)client who constantly thought she had hit and killed someone on her way home, and would bombard her husband with questions for hours every day about whether maybe she had. It understandably was causing a massive strain on their relationship but they only started making progress when the husband learnt to start saying ‘I don’t know’ rather than trying to calm her with ‘you haven’t’ because he was reinforcing the cycle of her needing to be soothed and reassured. It’s good you have your therapist and your sister who seems very supportive. It will get better!
draenog_@reddit
Yeah. And while there's nothing wrong with this thread, depending on the circumstances reassurance-seeking on Reddit can sometimes be a bit of a dick move.
I'm bi, and for a while some of the lesbian/wlw subreddits intermittently had an issue with this girl with homosexuality-OCD who was stressing out about comp-het ('compulsory heterosexuality', or the idea that society socialises women to assume they're attracted to men by default, which can result in people not realising that they're gay until later on life) because she was married and scared of losing her husband.
She would compulsively post these long rants about how she wasn't attracted to women at all and had been watching lesbian porn to check, but how do you tell if you're straight or just experiencing comp-het?
Eventually people were like "Please leave us out of this. We can't help you, and this is meant to be a positive space for women who are attracted to other women, not for straight women who find us disgusting to describe in great detail how repelled they are by us and how scared they are by the slightest chance that they could be like us".
SuzLouA@reddit
I think the point they’re trying to make is that when you’re seeking reassurance from an outside source, it’s not that you’re doing anything bad or immoral, you’re just doing something that exacerbates your OCD, and so for your own mental health it’s not something people here should be engaging in - they’re not actually helping you.
Indeed, for anyone, not just sufferers of OCD, the problem with seeking outside validation or reassurance is that it is a temporary fix. True processing of those thoughts comes from being able to confidently and firmly reassure *yourself*. You can’t build resilience or self-esteem off the backs of other people, because they won’t always be there to provide it. But you’re with you 24hrs a day, and so you’ll always be there to soothe yourself.
Azul-J@reddit
Please don’t worry. You have nothing to feel bad about. You were a child and threw a pebble, it’s no big deal. Please don’t punish yourself over it now. You sound like a good person.
Dr-Moth@reddit
I need to share my guilt. I was skipping stones on a bay. But this one stone didn't go the way I intended, skipped all the way to a duck and hit it right in the bum (or duck equivalent) skipping low to get it under the feathers. I was 30, and it was an accident. The duck gave me such a dirty look.
OP, regrettable things happen in our past. We can't undo them, but we can learn from them.
strawbebbymilkshake@reddit
Seeking reassurance over incredibly minor behaviour like this is both:
A) part of your OCD
B) really, really bad for your OCD.
Every time you seek reassurance for these minor things that you should be able to self-soothe on, you strengthen the behaviour and reinforce in your brain “I need to seek reassurance for everything I do or have done”. It takes you deeper down the spiral.
This is not me criticising or attacking you. But posts like this are only going to worsen your anxiety. You need to be seeking treatment and therapy, not seeking reassurance for tiny, forgettable behaviour online.
Start by imagining someone you look up to “confessing”. If they said “when I was 8, I threw a pebble at a swan, it didn’t hit the animal.” Would you judge them or would you wonder why on earth they still feel bad about that 6 years later when it’s literally nothing?
Nonzeromist@reddit
Everyone, and I mean everyone, has done evil shit as a kid. It's how we learn to not do it.
Have you thrown another rock at a swan in the last couple of years? If no, you're a good person and you learned your lesson 😁
NappingForever@reddit
The behaviour itself is entirely forgiveable given age and context. Are you receiving support for your OCD?
I would talk to your GP / specialist / a trusted adult at school about this. The obsessive intrusive thoughts are the issue, not the behaviour. I wish you all the best.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
Thank you, yes, I have a therapist to discuss my other OCD problems, and hopefully time will tell if I get better.
_FreddieLovesDelilah@reddit
Chat to your therapist about the guilt hun. OCD makes these things way worse.
_FreddieLovesDelilah@reddit
The fact you feel guilty shows how much you care. You must be a good person if you care so much. Please forgive yourself, kids do stupid shit, and nothing bad happened anyway.
ToiletDestroyer6000@reddit
I rang a chickens neck a few years ago then plucked it and ate it, I felt guilty until I started eating it, it was delicious
You probably wouldn’t feel guilty if you actually killed it and ate it, you missed your chance, now you have to live with the consequences
LittleSadRufus@reddit
This is a relief as I saw an 8yo friend of my daughter throw a stone at a swan with glee, and I wondered if he was an irredeemable sociopath. However, it sounds like there is absolutely scope for empathetic growth.
lottesometimes@reddit
It's a typical intrusive thought that's symptom of your OCD.
Agreeable_Elk_5714@reddit
As someone else with OCD, this is reassurance seeking and a symptom of your OCD. It’s good you’re receiving treatment, keep going with it and mention this. I’ve found ERP to be really helpful and it absolutely does get better and easier.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
You’re sounding a lot like my sister, which is a compliment as she’s helping me a lot with my OCD. I’m also currently going into ERP, I guess the loneliness of being in my house seeing none of my friends makes me want to go into the internet whenever I’m not in a session.
Agreeable_Elk_5714@reddit
I’m glad your sister is able to help :). I definitely meant it from a place of relating, as I do it too and it’s a hard one to kick. Especially as it feels like quite a low cost thing to do, but being aware of it is a big part of it. I hope ERP works well for you!
milrose404@reddit
I also have OCD, I think it’s extremely hard to overcome reassurance seeking. You’re doing really good by identifying that your OCD is the source of your guilt right now. I would recommend trying to accept the memory & feelings, and try to not ruminate/distract yourself until you’re able to bring it up in therapy.
The best way to stop the guilt is to work with your therapist on treating the OCD, which I think you know. I wish there was a simpler solution and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
worldworn@reddit
Personally, when I've made an error in judgement and can't make it up to the person (creature in your case).
I always feel better by doing something good to balance it out.
In your case, maybe ask your parents for some duck food, or defrosted peas. And go out and feed them?
Maybe litter picking around the lake?
charley_warlzz@reddit
You focus on your OCD rather than trying to logic your way out of having feelings. Crucially, you can’t try and repress or get upset about the intrusive thoughts, you have to learn to acknowledge them and then dismiss them.
In this case specifically, when you think about it and start feeling guilty, you should take a deep breath in and say to yourself (in your head or outloud, either works) “okay, but I did not do anything wrong there” and then you need to continue what youre doing. It wont make the intrusive magically resolve first time, but over time it’ll make it a lot easier to push past them and stop them from hounding you.
The thing with intrusive thoughts is that they thrive off acknowledgements (and that includes trying to ‘reason them out’, or trying to ignore them). Theres also that whole experiment where if you tell someone to talk/think about ‘anything but pink elephants’ theyll struggle because trying to avoid them will mean theyre thinking about them more.
In the long run, the aim is to get to a point where you accept them but you can brush past them easily without them impacting you. It requires a little bit of ‘fake it till you make it’, but it is doable. No dwelling, no trying to argue against, no nothing. Just ‘okay, but no.’ And then move on with your life.
And im sorry about the ocd but im glad you have a (good?) therapist, i hope you can start putting some good coping mechanisms and support systems in place.
FreeBogwoppits@reddit
Hey friend, this isn't something to drown yourself in. There is no Wrong to be Righted. But, if you want to do a good thing, a small donation to your closest wildlife sanctuary to help the local swans would be a nice thing. Just a couple of pounds would buy some snacks for a recovering swan.
We all make mistakes. We all do stupid things. It's a learning process. You didn't hurt the swan or anyone else. You're always be a friend to swans now, because you're big hearted enough to empathise and care, which means you're a great person who'll do brilliant things.
You're doing OP. You got this.
squigs@reddit
I always find that acknowledgement helps when I feel guilty about something
That is I need to recognise I did it. Recognise it was wrong. Admit it to myself without trying to excuse or rationalise it.
It actually makes me feel absolutely terrible about it for a short time, but it helps in the long term. This might just be me though.
None of us are perfect. We just need to try our best to better ourselves.
bababababoos@reddit
I threw a stone at a seagull once as a kid. It donked it on the head (surprisingly, given my crap aim) and he flew off. Immediately felt awful about it and still think about it from time to time almost 30 years later.
You didn't hit the bird, kids do stupid shit. Don't worry yourself. There's always idiots like me who have done way worse! Just don't do it again and you'll be golden.
PhysicsForeign1634@reddit
The philosopher Nietzsche said "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". Your attempt at stoning a swan will have taught that swan a useful lesson, that humans are not to be trusted. You may well have saved it from a much worse fate than a stone in the future.
nonoanddefinitelyno@reddit
If you were my son I'd be proud of the empathy you are showing.
It will stand you in good stead.
Petrichor_ness@reddit
OP sounds more mature and responsible than most adults I know.
I think being able to own up to a mistake, take accountability and learn from it is one of the hardest things we ever have to do and it's incredible just how many grown ass adults have never managed to pull it off!
Chipjb91@reddit
The fact at 14 you already have the self awareness to reflect on past actions means you are mild ahead of most adults, this won’t go. It will be a curse and a blessing your whole life and it’s how you harness it that decides that outcome.
It is not the mistakes we make in life that define us, it is how we respond to them and you sir are doing a fantastic job at 14. Give yourself a pat on the back and start giving yourself some room to make mistakes, you will learn from them with the attitude you’ve displayed here.
Leader_Bee@reddit
Better than most, I've seen full on adults chasing and trying to kick pigeons in the city centre plenty of times.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
I got scared when you mentioned chasing pigs, when I was younger and one time I travelled up a hill with family, I found sheep. I chased them, not in a violent way, I guess to try catch them in a playful way, but I guess me mentioning this is another case of me putting standards I have currently on mr in the past.
Creepy_Radio_3084@reddit
Dude, my friend's daughter stripped nekkid (she was about 4, I think) except for her shoes and chased sheep - and two grown adults and 3 older children chased nekkid child! I'm sure it looked like a comedy sketch! Small kids chase animals, not for bad reasons - don't be so hard on yourself, please. You come across as a thoughtful, kind, emotionally mature young man now and it's very refreshing. Be kind to yourself.
PercentageCool5809@reddit
We all have parts of us that do (or think of doing) bad/stupid things sometimes. It doesn’t mean we are a bad person. The important thing is to have compassion for the part of us that did (or thought of doing) the bad/stupid thing. And to be curious (in a kind way) about what was (or is) going on for us that made part of us do (or think of doing) the thing. I’m glad you have a therapist that you can talk with about it all.
spoo4brains@reddit
The fact you feel bad about it is good, am guessing you won't do something like that again.
We all make mistakes, but learning from them is what helps you grow into a hopefully responsible adult.
Pantles@reddit
You are now grown enough to realise that it was a bad thing to do, which will likely make you never do it again. But when you were younger, you didn’t have that same understanding. As long as you don’t intend to do it again, you should forgive yourself. You have learned the lesson it needed to teach you. If you would forgive another small child who didn’t know better for doing something like this, you can use that reasoning to forgive yourself too.
I think a lot of what we do that results in shame or guilt can be forgiven due to our intentions. Any time that guilt creeps up on you, remind yourself that you haven’t done it again and that you won’t. Your intentions have made you a better person. You learned and you grew. That’s all anyone can do, at any age 😊
Optimal-Room-8586@reddit
What you did to the swan seems really pretty harmless. You, yourself, seem to acknowledge and understand that it wasn't a serious thing since you know it wasn't harmed in the slightest.
So I would say that if you feel terrible about it, and "can't get it out of your mind", then that's no *really* about the swan, but something else it's associated with in your mind. Where does the feeling of guilt really come from?
Like I get quite triggered by certain things which are on the face of it quite minor, due to my childhood experiences.
Sounds to me like you need to deal with whatever the root "thing" is and then you'll likely find that the guilt passes too?
EverybodySayin@reddit
The fact that you genuinely feel bad about it means you've changed. It's fine to hate the things you used to do, and that's not you anymore.
CaptainTrip@reddit
Childhood is a stage for discovering boundaries. You discovered one. I suspect you feel bad not because you worry that you hurt the swan, but because of your own capacity for cruelty. Well, good news, you did something bad and you feel bad about it, you're working as intended. Let it teach you to be kind to others, kinder than you would have been without this lesson.
lacksfocusattimes@reddit
Nothing bad happened, you know you wouldn’t do it again now, so forgive yourself.
Chopsticks_Charlie@reddit
The empathy you are showing is going to set you up in life very well.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
Thank you!
Kara_Zor_El19@reddit
You were 8. You didn’t know better.
Now you do
And the swan wasn’t harmed, you shouldn’t a thrown the stone but you were a young kid
If we judge our past selves by the standards of who we are know all it will do is make us hate who we are know or who we were then
sameoldkit@reddit
You've learned from a bad experience and your attitudes and behaviour has changed. You don't want to do it and you won't do it again. That's learning from experience, we all make mistakes and learn from them - especially in adult life. You didn't hurt anything, don't beat yourself up. You learned from your mistake and have grown 😄
RaggedToothRat@reddit
Although I agree with other commenter that you feeling remorse now us enough, if you feel you need to do something to balance the scales, why not sponsor/adopt a swan? That way you are doing something to better swans' lives.
Alternatively, if you have a large park with a pond near you, there might be a volunteer group that organises park cleanups and fundraising etc. I'm sure they'd love a young volunteer who is full of energy and ideas to help the wildlife in the park.
Vast-Salamander3623@reddit (OP)
Honestly, that is not a bad idea at all, if I lived near one, I’d know I did well. The last time I was near swans, I definitely understood that they were animals trying to live through life like all of us, so if that was possible for me, I’d definitely hop up on that case!
kifflington@reddit
My take, and how I've dealt with similar feelings: guilt is self-punishment for bad acts. If you have learned to never do that again, and to prevent others from doing the same, then the guilt has served its function and can be safely packed away into memory. If you feel you owe nature something, do a good thing for the nature near you (clear some litter from a riverbank, for example) and dedicate the act to your apology for your action then tell yourself out loud that you no longer need to feel guilty for that pebble.
kifflington@reddit
P.S. You are not a bad person and not like those other teens you mention. Your guilty feelings are proof of that.
Obvious-Water569@reddit
Listen.
We all do stupid things as kids without giving much thought to it. The fact that, at 14, you're already feeling guilty about this suggests you're extremely mature both socially and emotionally. I imagine most 14 year old boys would still think it was funny to throw stones at animals.
It's important you don't punish yourself for this. Instead, treat it as a realisation that you've grown as a person and be proud of the individual you've become.
No harm, no fowl.
anOddPhish@reddit
You're a good person. You have no need to feel guilty, 8 year olds do dumb things and the swan was fine!
Outside_Acanthaceae7@reddit
No luck catching them swans then.
No_Room_3932@reddit
It’s just the one swan, actually.
Outside_Acanthaceae7@reddit
But the OP was under the strict surveillance of the NWA after his attempt at being rhe Swantichrist.
RafRafRafRaf@reddit
Would it help at all to actually go say sorry to a swan as a sort of species representative? Explain that you were very little and didn’t know better but now you do. (Cygnets also do daft things sometimes…). You probably won’t get an answer but if you bring along a few swan safe snacks like a handful of peas or corn they will probably be gratefully accepted…. Would that lessen the guilt maybe?
You did no harm, you don’t owe them anything, but if it might help you, go for it.
Ok_Aioli3897@reddit
Let a swan throw a rock at you
Timely_Egg_6827@reddit
I mean you did it, felt guilt and now know how doing bad makes you feel. So it done it's job. Holding onto the guilt doesn't do you or the swan any good if lesson taken. So I'd put it aside as life experience with lesson learnt.
Professional_Meal885@reddit
You were 8. At that age, we all do things like that which could end up in harm. Luckily for you, the swan wasn't harmed! And you know that you didn't mean what you did. The fact that you feel guilty now shows that you're not a bad guy, and we both know you would never do that again. Don't worry too much about it- like you said, the swan wasn't harmed, and you didn't do it with the intention of hurting it. Hope this helps <3
pgnlzbth@reddit
You did a silly thing as a young child. You reflected on it and learned from it. That’s called growing up! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself. Let it go.
Maybe get some specialise wild bird food and feed some local swans to say ‘sorry’ and make peace ❤️
piximeat@reddit
Forgive yourself. You were a kid. Kids do stupid shit all the time. This one being quite tame. You didn't hit the swan, and you clearly know better now and wouldn't do it again.
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