Advice: My family is pressing me to visit them in Israel, but I really don't want to

Posted by Superb_Musician_5058@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 24 comments

About a year and a half ago I left Israel for the US. I left because I strongly dislike many things about the country and felt I had no future I wanted there.

I'm 18 now and moved with just my mom. We were supposed to visit last July but cancelled, due to a round of missile exchanges with Iran, and I was very relieved then. For a while after that, I actually legally couldn't leave due to a green card processing stage. Now I'm able to go again, and my mom and family back home have been pressing for us to get tickets for this summer. We would visit for two or three weeks.

I have no problems with my family, I would like to see them, but just the thought of going back there is dreadful to me. The place conjures a lot of negative emotions. I feel like once I'm there I would, in a way, forget all the good things that have happened to me here in the past 18 months and go back to the same mental space I was in before. I love my life here, I have a boyfriend I'm planning to move in with this fall, I've been working, and I don't want to leave and disrupt those things.

There is also the real possibility of us getting stuck there for longer. Rounds of missile exchanges are fairly common and flights are cancelled whenever those happen.

I'm not opposed to going back in the future, I know I will have to, but I feel I need more time to settle down here before before I may move past some of the resentment for my birthplace. I've tried to communicate this to my mom but have been hesitant to explicitly tell her I don't want to go. I think some of my family might feel hurt, too.

Thanks for reading, advice would be appreciated. Should I go with my feelings or suck it up and pack?

Edit: I've had the idea to postpone this trip and then get my partner to come with me for support when I feel ready. He's said he's willing and it'd be good having something from here, there.

[-]

Superb_Musician_5058@reddit (OP)

Thank you

[-]

wihst@reddit

I didn't go back to my home country for 4 years. I needed the space. Decide for yourself.

[-]

Nyetoner@reddit

Yeah, I hear you -I haven't been back to my home country since 2022, and I don't mind to wait a few years more.

[-]

Superb_Musician_5058@reddit (OP)

This was a possibility as I made plans to move without knowing if I'll be given an exemption or not. If I weren't exempt I'd be arrested on entry, but I am, so that's not a concern

[-]

Conscious-Tutor3861@reddit

One piece of wisdom from and old timer to a youngin: countries can and do change the rules on you without notice.

I've known people who returned to their home country believing they were exempted from military service, only to be barred from leaving and forced into military service anyway.

Don't return to a country with mandatory military service as long as you're within the serviceable age range, lest the same happen to you.

[-]

Superb_Musician_5058@reddit (OP)

You don't need to remind me why I don't want to visit. Unfortunately I can't actually avoid my birthplace and family forever. Surely people on the expats subreddit should understand this tension

[-]

Discount_gentleman@reddit

You should tell your family why you don't want to visit or support that country. They will be angry, of course, but it's better in the long run to be honest rather than keeping things buried.

Grizzly-Redneck@reddit

You have no obligation to visit them if it causes you unnecessary stress. It's not unreasonable or irrational and doesn't make you any less of a person. If they view things otherwise that's on them.

You're an adult now and have every right to make decisions based on your personal thoughts and feelings. It's an important step in establishing your independence which is a logical step as a young adult.

On a personal level I spent time living in Israel and met my partner there but wouldn't go back either.

No_Performance8733@reddit

Do not travel to an active war zone.

Just because it’s normalized, it’s not right or safe.

louvez@reddit

You are now 18, knowing there is conscription/mandatory military service, if I were in your shoes I would like to verify the implications. Will you be able to actually leave the country after your visit? Would you need to request to defer your military service? I've known people from other countries with compulsory military who had to avoid their birth country until they were too old for military service

Dangerous_Page6712@reddit

Just tell them you don’t visit countries that commit genocide and don’t respect the sovereignity of neighbouring countries

Telecom_VoIP_Fan@reddit

If you are settled well in the US, stay there. You can always keep in contact with family via Zoom and other social media tools. Also, they could visit you. If you do well financially and they are not in such a great position, you might even offer to pay for their tickets.

solarboom-a@reddit

Don’t visit those immoral people. It’s tough, families should bee divided over this.

mutantninja001@reddit

Don't go. It's your life. Your mom can visit alone. Also you may want to consider getting therapy for past trauma, especially if you would like to go visit Israel in the future.

mbo25@reddit

Explain to your family the stress that this visit is causing you and why you don’t want to go. Any loving, reasonable family member will understand. If they don’t, and pressure you to (despite knowing full well it will upset you), then… well, I’d rather not have those people in my life, family or not.

CrazyAd1835@reddit

It’s a new world. Travel is very expensive, tiring, stressful, polluting, and hard on mental health. Video calls are much more practical in so many ways. I find visiting family very anticlimactic and draining. In an increasingly unsustainable world I would focus finding stability somewhere that works for me and not allow myself to be disrupted or distracted too much.

lmneozoo@reddit

Get an appointment with a therapist. There's too much to unpack here in reddit post form lol

tnvoipguy@reddit

I had to reread that…you’re 18 and planning on “moving in with a boy”? I pray you get your priorities back toward the almighty and not disrespect yourself by making that bad choice. You’re worth the wait…and he will understand if he truly believes you’re worth the wait too!

Accomplished_Duck337@reddit

Nah man, we don’t all exist in religious cult bubbles.

BarefootJenna@reddit

I was in a similar position after I left the US. I went back after 15 months and it was too soon. I left a bad area and bad friends and bad memories and going back just felt so uncomfortable and wrong. After that, I waited several more years until I visited again and I felt much better. My family had moved house, the bad friends had moved on, the bad memories felt more distant and I actually enjoyed my trip and feeling like a tourist.

Good luck choosing what's best for you! And don't let family guilt you, but stay connected. You're building your own adult life now.

CuriosTiger@reddit

At 18, you're legally an adult. Your parents cannot force you to travel against your will.

My suggestion is that you man up and inform them of that fact. Not "I don't want to go", but simply "I won't go."

Of course, you can have a discussion with them. Share your discomfort. Explain why it's hard for you. If your parents are fond of Israel and you are clearly not, that can be difficult, and feelings may get hurt, but avoiding the subject won't help. You can be gentle and delicate about it, but it does need to be talked about. And you cannot let them badger or guilt-trip you into going against your will.

Also, why will you have to go back in the future? Plenty of immigrants to the US never return to their home country. Of course, family is a powerful motivation, but it's not an imperative.

I would advise not to lie. If you lie, you set yourself up for more presume in the future, when your excuse is no longer relevant.

Just tell the truth and live with it.

More difficult up-front, but very liberating in the longer term.