What's the funniest British joke you've ever heard?
Posted by ConfidentSale3091@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 104 comments
Could be a classic one-liner, dry humor, a TV quote, pub joke, or just something ridiculously British that made you laugh harder than it should have.
I’ve noticed British humor has this unique mix of sarcasm, understatement, and randomness that somehow works perfectly. Curious what the funniest British joke you’ve heard is.
insertitherenow@reddit
It’s a Bernard manning one so beware. This one is funny though and needs the delivery so I’ll just post the link.
hast tha any bisto
RecentTwo544@reddit
During lockdown I gave the "old unacceptable comedians" a go just to see if they were as bad as expected.
Roy Chubby Brown was OK. Nothing really nasty and more humour aimed at himself.
Bernard Manning struck me as a genuinely good comedian who ruined his own act by being deeply old fashioned and not understanding/caring that being racist and sexist was no longer acceptable, and despite his protestations that it was just a stage act, you get the impression that it probably carried over to his personal life.
Jim Davidson was just a total prick and not even funny to boot.
Geedubya0@reddit
I’m not a fan of any of them but I reckon Roy Chubby Brown is by far the least talented of the three by a mile. Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning could definitely do a ‘clean’ gig if they wanted (even for kids) and they are so good at their profession they’d have any audience in stitches. They are genuinely talented. However, as it is, they choose their material and that’s up to them. It’s not for me. Roy Chubby Brown is just not talented. I did standup myself for a short time and while I’m certainly not an expert, you can see genuine talent, even if it happens to be hidden under an unpleasant veneer. I know this as, way back in the day, some folk I met on holiday were going to see a comedian I didn’t know. It was Roy Chubby Brown and I had one of the most uncomfortable nights out of my life
Scarred_fish@reddit
When I was about 13, I found a video tape under some magazines in a drawer labelled "XXX Adult Only".
After what seemed like days, I finally had the house to myself ready for my most exciting sexual experience to date. Amost ready to explode, I pressed play - and it was a copy of a Bernard Manning stand up show.
MarkRand@reddit
Challenging wank
insertitherenow@reddit
Bernard was exactly that. He didn’t need to do the offensive stuff as his normal jokes were funny. Chubby Brown was never funny and Davidson is a prick as I met him once and he was a prick.
RecentTwo544@reddit
Which is why I suspect some of his "stage persona" was also present in his actual persona, because if he'd dropped the nasty stuff he could have stayed relevant and not just stuck playing working mens clubs for most of his later life. Get rid of the racism/sexism/etc-isms and was easily as good as Peter Kay.
snakeoildriller@reddit
😂😂😂
PeroniNinja84@reddit
While I think he’s a miserable bastard, I thought Jim Davidson’s joke about watching porn whilst being interviewed on the Piers Morgan show was comedy genius.
Eskyzoo@reddit
What's brown and sticky?
RaidersGuy85@reddit
What's brown and goes quick?
A South African duck
deecee-247@reddit
A stick!
Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
Aggressive-Fee-6399@reddit
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
deecee-247@reddit
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
vipros42@reddit
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
deecee-247@reddit
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
VodkaMargarine@reddit
Anal
spingledoink@reddit
Two parrots sat on a perch. One asks "can you smell fish?"
Strong_Quiet_4569@reddit
So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom this Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.
So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.
Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.
Johnny realizes he needs some new kicks, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.
Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing, playing at the casino, hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.
Johnny goes to the bar, and a man serves him a drink from a ladle.
Prestigious_Sand1978@reddit
Two nuns in a bath. One says “where’s the soap?” The other replies “it does rather, doesn’t it?”
Affectionate-Boot-12@reddit
Shit! I hate to be that person but… what?
Old_Introduction_395@reddit
Spoonerism
usernameinmail@reddit
Are you Alice from Dibley? One nun is not using the soap bar exclusively to wash herself
BuncleCar@reddit
I remember that from school:)
TankFoster@reddit
Two nuns in the bath. One's got a soul full of hope.
Tonafets@reddit
What does a constipated mathematician do?
He works it out with a pencil.
Cultural-Ambition211@reddit
Captain Darling: Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War, 1914 to 1917
highrouleur@reddit
A penguin is driving down the road. Suddenly his engine stops and he pulls over next to an ice cream shop.
He phones for roadside assistance as you do. It's a hot day, while he's waiting for a mechanic he goes in and gets an ice cream. Being a penguin with flippers the whole ice cream eating experience is a bit messy.
As he's the mechanic turns up, pops the bonnet, then turns to the penguin and says "it looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the penguin replies "no I've just been eating an ice cream"
Status_Pure@reddit
I saw my mother in law being attacked by a group of men
My wife asked if I could help?
I said five men should be enough!
Les Dawson
Express-Training5428@reddit
My Mother in Law said to me
" I'll dance on your grave when you're dead Les"....
I said "good- I'm getting buried at sea...."
Les Dawson.
Mattechooo@reddit
I was once kissed by my mother in law. It was like being attacked with an inner-tube. - Les Dawson
RecentTwo544@reddit
He's often derided because he's only widley known for TV Burp (which was good when it was late night in fairness) and You've Been Framed, but Harry Hill's standup is genius, and while not the brunt of his act, some of his jokes/one liners are fantastic.
"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."
"My gran used to say "What you can't see, can't hurt you." Well she died of radiation poisoning a few years ago."
"What is it about people who repair shoes, that make them so good at cutting keys?"
ukslim@reddit
Derided? TV Burp was brilliant throughout.
morris_man@reddit
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
Balnagask@reddit
I only just made it to the end lol, it was almost worth it 😂
highrouleur@reddit
That's hideous. I love it
Early-Translator8175@reddit
Why don't owls mate in the rain?
It's too wet to woo.
68_namfloW@reddit
I love shagging when I’m camping, it’s fucking intense.
Public_Growth_6002@reddit
It’s Clement Freud’s dry cleaning joke:
https://youtu.be/yHx8y1rFjdk?si=FmhJhhO4HS07Zq29
ukslim@reddit
Apologies, I must have scrolled past this before typing it all out myself.
Not deleting it now though!
GreekVicar@reddit
Fantastic!
snakeoildriller@reddit
😂😂😂👍
lithaborn@reddit
Del boy falling through the bar
Or Joe Wilkinson's poem about naming people's penises
FeelTheOneness@reddit
Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Bilbo Baggins had a heart attack after a viagra overdose.
Guess old Hobbits die hard.
Balnagask@reddit
No way! I dreamt I wrote The Hobbit - turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep 🤪
Whithorsematt@reddit
I've told this joke several times but is started to become hobbit forming.
Capital-Alfalfa9384@reddit
Ken Dodd, He said on a TV show years ago, "I wouldn't say i was an ugly baby but my dummy had a 12" flange"
Otherwise-Plane8282@reddit
If you want to hear some good one liners look up Tim Vine he’s known as the king of one liners, he holds the world record for them 499 jokes in an hour
nick9000@reddit
"I sold my vacuum cleaner - well, it was just gathering dust"
Infamous_Telephone55@reddit
I also sold my theramin, I hadn't touched it in years.
OnPointTip1@reddit
Bloke in the pub selling a tv with no volume control. Only wanted a tenner. I thought, I can't turn that down
nick9000@reddit
"Crime in multi-story car parks - that's wrong on so many different levels isn't it?"
DanS1993@reddit
Tim vine did hold the record until 2014. It’s up to about 550 in an hour now.
RecentTwo544@reddit
Yep, to the point that during the 00s when he wasn't overly well known as a stand-up, despite having done it for many years by that point, a lot of his one liners were shared online and incorrectly attributed to Tommy Cooper.
Many of these "Tommy Cooper jokes" became so well known that when Vine's standup DVDs became popular, a lot of people assumed he'd ripped off Cooper.
cloudstrifeuk@reddit
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
Balnagask@reddit
Sane guy also walked into a bra 😜
Balnagask@reddit
Yeah, he tried to sell me "f's" back in the rave days!
Balnagask@reddit
Two snowman standing in a field.
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
🤣😛
ukslim@reddit
A joke told by many, including Clement Freud.
There's a bloke travelling home from one too many after-work drinks. Without warning, he vomits down his front. His carriage-mates are appalled of course, but then he starts weeping uncontrollably. So another passenger tries to console him.
"Why are you crying?"
"Well, my wife said if I come home drunk again, it's over, she'll get a divorce. I thought I might get away with it, but this vomit down my tie will be the last straw".
And the other guy says "Don't worry, how about this - do you have a £20 note?"
"Ok, tuck it in your shirt pocket, and when you get home, tell your wife someone else was sick on you, but they apologised and gave you £20 for a new tie".
"Sir, you're a genius! You've saved my marriage!"
So he goes home, his wife sees the sick straight away, but as planned he says: "Yes darling, some terrible drunken oaf threw up right in front of me, and ruined my tie. But he was a good sort really, said he was very sorry, and gave me £20 for a new tie."
"Oh", says his wife, "but that's £40 you have there".
"Ah yes, the other £20 is from the man who shat my pants ".
ukslim@reddit
A joke told by many, including Clement Freud.
There's a bloke travelling home from one too many after-work drinks. Without warning, he vomits down his front. His carriage-mates are appalled of course, but then he starts weeping uncontrollably. So another passenger tries to console him.
"Why are you crying?"
"Well, my wife said if I come home drunk again, it's over, she'll get a divorce. I thought I might get away with it, but this vomit down my tie will be the last straw".
And the other guy says "Don't worry, how about this - do you have a £20 note?"
"Ok, tuck it in your shirt pocket, and when you get home, tell your wife someone else was sick on you, but they apologised and gave you £20 for a new tie".
"Sir, you're a genius! You've saved my marriage!"
So he goes home, his wife sees the sick straight away, but as planned he says: "Yes darling, some terrible drunken oaf threw up right in front of me, and ruined my tie. But he was a good sort really, said he was very sorry, and gave me £20 for a new tie."
"Oh", says his wife, "but that's £40 you have there".
"Ah yes, the other £20 is from the man who shat my pants ".
SaysPooh@reddit
Just asked in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said ‘do you want the pdf file’. I said ‘no, that’s his Uncle’
theroch_@reddit
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
thirdratehero@reddit
Whats green and slippery?
A green slipper
theroch_@reddit
Nice
GreekVicar@reddit
He laughed at me when I told him I was a black belt in Origami - he wasn't laughing after I folded him into a duck
tileadhesive@reddit
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but... the people of Abu Dhabi Do
Necessary-Nobody8138@reddit
The constant media obsession with normal summer temperatures
OnPointTip1@reddit
What? Are you high?
Necessary-Nobody8138@reddit
And it will be cooler enough soon. Just enjoy it - or stay inside and close your windows and curtains and pray for rain.
OnPointTip1@reddit
Yes it will, but it's literally a heatwave, so of course the media will report it. We're obsessed with weather in this country. Even if it pissed down for the entire weekend, that would have been reported
H0vis@reddit
I read something a while back about messages sent back (or it might have just been their own musings) from Britain by Roman soldiers garrisoning here. One of them pointed out (and bearing in mind this was about two thousand years ago) that whenever two Britons meet the first thing they do is discuss the weather.
OnPointTip1@reddit
Fact
Necessary-Nobody8138@reddit
High up north, yes. It’s 23C here. Hardly a ‘heatwave’ is it?? Yet the local media keeps warning about it. A few days over 30C is not that unusual for SE England. It will be raining and 17C soon enough.
OnPointTip1@reddit
It's the hottest May BH on record. It's ridiculously high for mid summer and it's not even summer
lunchbox3@reddit
I think it is the hottest bank holiday ever on record which is mad
Necessary-Nobody8138@reddit
I’m in Scotland btw….
OnPointTip1@reddit
Then you have my admiration
H0vis@reddit
Love a bit of Derek and Clive.
Polish_Shamrock@reddit
Too many to be able to rank but these two always make me laugh without fail.....
https://youtu.be/dmbpagijVkk?si=gIJE50ocswLHAZPp
https://youtu.be/jVOmf28QGEQ?si=zaXQLB_CrPIA8d0m
The Lee Mack is more the story telling of the joke but the Mick Miller one is fucking perfect joke telling.
Gloomy_Pastry@reddit
Well, I went to the pet shop the other year, needed some bird food as the budgie had eaten it all.
MASSIVE queue, out the door, and only one poor girl on the tills, ran off her feet trying to keep up.
Anyhow, 20 minutes later, go to the front of the queue and put the budgie food packet on the counter, last one on the shelf, so quite a relief as i couldnt find anything else.
I asked the girl why it was so busy as usually the tills are quite quick.
She then commented that she was on her own today as the Steve on the shop floor was sacked yesterday unexpectedly so she was the only one available.
Apparently Steve was caught with his hands in the Trill.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
https://youtu.be/2Q1deMNhRJs?
There's 3 good ones
vipros42@reddit
Why does Rupert the bear wear yellow trousers?
Because he's a cunt
Greedy-Ad-3779@reddit
https://youtu.be/yHx8y1rFjdk?si=aRuMlO92GvOXHLWY
Reddigestion@reddit
What's the difference between light and hard? You can get to sleep with the light on
ArmadilloInfamous909@reddit
Two parrots stood on a perch and one says "can you smell fish?"
CPD1960@reddit
The present government?
Pedantichrist@reddit
Please try not to do that. I know it has become a bit of a reflex of late, but it is just boring.
LilacScentedStoat@reddit
"i have a great fwend in wome called Biggus Dickus"
Arguably the funniest scene of any British Film.
ProfessionalMottsman@reddit
What do you call a Scotsman with one foot in his house and one foot out?
Hamish
HawkComprehensive257@reddit
Well I can say wholeheartedly Mr Bean is by far one of the funniest British tv shows Ive ever seen. Oh and he doesn't say a word.
100flavors_of_crazy@reddit
Good things about being a midget, you’re the last to know when it’s raining, bad things you’re the first to know when it floods.
Billy Connelly TM
Ornery_Bar1490@reddit
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
AdnyPls@reddit
Man 1: My wife’s just gone to the West Indies.
Man 2: Jaraipa?
Man 1: …what?!
splendidvinyl@reddit
I want to die like my grandad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers
ThickTadpole3742@reddit
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a stand up comedian. Well ..... they're not laughing now.
NaivePermit1439@reddit
Bob Monkhouse TM.
Otherwise_Living_158@reddit
There’s a thin line between fishing and standing by some water with a stick.
deecee-247@reddit
Man walks into a bar and there's a cow hanging from the ceiling. He walks over to the bar and says to the guy serving "what's with the cow?"
The server says "well, it's quite simple, if you can jump up and touch the cow then you get free drinks all night - want to have a go?"
The man considers this for a moment and then declines; the server looks surprised and asks him why.
The man replies "well to be honest, the stakes are too high" .
😅
DutchOfBurdock@reddit
How did Findus avoid the horse meat scandal? They used mascarpone sauce.
sunheadeddeity@reddit
After the horsemeat scandal:
"Now, I don't eat beef...it turns out!"
balloon99@reddit
Don't tell him, Pike
TroublesZoo@reddit
What is the difference between and egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
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