Folks that relocated abroad for work with a partner or kids, what did you underestimate?
Posted by SquareBig3927@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 39 comments
For people who moved abroad for work with a spouse/partner or children, what do you wish you had thought through more carefully before saying yes?
I don’t mean movers, packing, shipping, or the usual logistics. I’m more curious about the decision before the move became real.
Things like:
- whether the relocation package was actually enough
- spouse/partner career impact
- school or childcare timing
- housing costs or assumptions
- tax, payroll, or social-security surprises
- healthcare or prescriptions
- visa/work authorization delays
- language barriers
- being far from family/support
- the first few months after arriving
Was there anything that seemed manageable before the move, but became a much bigger issue once you were there?
And if you had to make the decision again, what would you check before accepting?
Different_Toe_5329@reddit
International schools can be very transient. Your child’s best friend may move across the planet mid-year and this will be devastating. That will happen over and over. As close friends and teachers come and go, there’s not the same sense of being rooted in a place. In teenage years, this may lead to an avoidance of getting attached to people. They don’t end up feeling at home in the country you used to live in, either.
It’s also a sad thing to see kids with absolutely no access to local culture, no way to play with local kids on the street, not even to be able to walk down the road and order an ice cream in the local language.
International opportunities are often better for the adults than their children.
wagdog1970@reddit
And if you have special needs kids, even worse.
SquareBig3927@reddit (OP)
I imagine school choice becomes much more complicated when a child needs specific support.
For families in that situation, what would you tell them to check before accepting a move? School accommodations, therapy availability, diagnosis recognition, language of support, waitlists, or something else?
wagdog1970@reddit
This is a difficult question to answer because…it depends. All the things you listed but I will add that you probably won’t know what to ask for if you don’t already have a diagnosis and what is referred to in the US school system as an IEP. The biggest question to ask is - what exactly is your ability to meet the needs of children with “X” condition. What I have found is that international schools often pay lip service to special education because they are chasing decreasing enrollment numbers, but don’t deliver. I will just make the blanket statement that you should not move outside the US (possibly Canada or other English speaking countries as this is outside my experience) if you have a special needs child. You are unlikely to obtain the same level of support unless you essentially can afford to hire full time tutors.
North_Artichoke_6721@reddit
100% agree.
I was an expat teen. I attended and graduated from an international school.
I know people love to complain about high school reunions, but it makes me sad that I will never have one.
My school was super tiny. My graduating class was 22 people.
Our electives and AP classes were extremely limited. As I am helping my own teenager pick out his electives for next fall, I am amazed that he has over 30 different options. I only got to pick between drama and art. And I took both in 10-11th grades, so by my senior year I just had a free period.
What you said about the transient nature of them really resonated with me. I struggle with making meaningful friendships and relationships as an adult. I’m lucky that my husband had a similar upbringing as a military child, so we bonded over that on our first date.
I have had challenges with getting college and later, employers, to recognize that I went to a “real” high school too. I applied for one job and the application was online and it said “select your high school from this drop down menu.” And of course mine wasn’t listed. I called the company to ask what to do and they didn’t believe that I was a US citizen who had attended high school abroad. (I wound up not applying there because the lady was quite rude about it!)
I could go on and on about the struggles I’ve had to fit in once I returned to the States too.
Sometimes people do not have the magical experience they imagine living abroad to be.
Anxious-Slip-4701@reddit
How bizarre that they didn't understand you attended high school abroad. There are a lot of US high schools abroad that are board certified. Diplomat children have to go somewhere.
cold-pizza-at-4-am@reddit
Spot on :’)
jldv52@reddit
Wow this is truly eye opening and well said
LibrarianByNight@reddit
This is interesting, as we chose international school for one of our children. I anticipated a lot of movement throughout the year, yet only one student has left (and even they switched to public school vs moving).
A good number of their classmates are native citizens of the country we're in; perhaps because private schools are subsidized and affordable for most? That has probably cut down on movement as well.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I think this depends on the location. Where I live they're not affordable but there are wealthy people who live locally long term, either local families or foreign families who have made a life here. It's a location people move to for lifestyle rather than fleeting career opportunities. My own kid doesn't go to international school (see: not affordable lol) but I know people who send their kids to the two local ones and it's a relatively stable community. I'm sure a few move, but a small majority.
lost-bob-expat-coach@reddit
What a big and loaded question...so much to think of.
Here are some thoughts...
1 - make sure your kids are on board with the move and that they feel like they had a choice or a say in making that decision, or they will find it extra hard to adapt.
2 - Culture Shock starts at home before leaving...when people know you're leaving, they already kind of start planning life without you in it...like planning a family vacation on your family group without you, or you co-workers not inviting you to a meeting because you won't be here to help build whatever they're planning on. It can start feeling like you are no longer part of your home before you have even left, and it can sting.
3 - Culture Shock - it takes 18 - 24 months to adatp into a different culture IF ALL GOES WELL...if not, then longer. After the initial honeymoon phase (for most people around 3 months in, but differs for each individual), you will go into the crisis phase. You will experience adaptation fatigue, home sickness, grieving what you've left behind back home, an identity shift as you adapt into your new country and culture, chronic stress, depression, anxiety, etc. This is normal and all expats go through this phase. When you ask yourself if you have made the biggest mistake of your life moving abroad, this is when you know you're in this phase.
4 - Learning how to build relationships accross cultures is a crucial learnable skill that will speed up the process of networking, building professional relationships as well as personal relationships. Expat tax is real...if you don't know how to build relationships THEIR way, you will offend your co-workers, your boss, your clients, potential connections and friends, and your career growth may stagnate because of it.
Hope that helps...
Good luck!
SquareBig3927@reddit (OP)
The point regarding children should feel they had some say in the move is interesting.
For families with older kids or teens, how much say do you think they should realistically have before accepting a move? And what would you ask them before deciding?
yoursmartfriend@reddit
Number one is super important. Also, anticipate that your kids won't want to leave their new home as they become older. It's not necessarily a trial period that you can just end easily.
thethingywthethingy@reddit
How hard integration will be for your partner.
I am the partner that has been looking for a job for the past 2 years with no luck, because I am trying to get something close to what I used to have in terms of level. I came to the devastating realisation that my previous higher education and experience does not really count where we are right now.
Also, friends are insanely hard to get once you reach a certain age, despite having kids. It feels like people already have their own social groups and they are not open for new applications.
Another one has been racism. I never thought it was going to be this hard with constant microagressions and sometimes full on comments that should never be made.
If you move due to work and arrive already with that, you have those two aspects sorted but your partner will not, so try to be empathic that you will be living in a very different reality than them
SquareBig3927@reddit (OP)
This is probably the single most thing people are hesitant to bring up before moving.
Do you think there were any signs that would have helped you understand that risk earlier like talking to people with a similar background, visiting longer, checking local community groups, or asking more direct questions about workplace/social culture?
bubbles-prime_978@reddit
I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit physically as much but I figured I’d be able to just replace that with talking on the phone. I really underestimated how difficult time zones make that.
SquareBig3927@reddit (OP)
People often think “we’ll just call/video chat,” but time zones can make even that hard to keep up consistently.
Did this affect you more emotionally, or did it also affect practical support like grandparents being less involved with kids, harder emergency coordination, or feeling less connected to family decisions back home?
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
And talking on the phone isn't the same, especially for children and grandparents.
KaleUseful2107@reddit
The loneliness the trailing spouse feels when there’s not a huge expat group, especially if the trailing spouse can’t work, and language is difficult to learn. Kids are in school, spouse is at wok. It’s important to find activities or groups to join. Definitely take language lessons if needed.
SquareBig3927@reddit (OP)
This is so true. The working spouse and kids often get built-in structure right away, but the trailing spouse may have to build everything from scratch.
In hindsight, what do you think would have helped most before arriving: finding expat/community groups, signing up for language classes, checking whether they could legally work, having transport, or just planning a weekly routine from the start?
la_riojaa@reddit
Just how much harder the first few weeks / months are on your spouse than on you. You're getting acclimated to the new office and job, but usually with a company and expectations that are already familiar. While you're doing that, guess who is face-to-face already with local cultural and language differences while they set up utilities, meet with teachers / pediatricians, and generally make your house livable?
Spousal job hunting is a lot harder than you think. My husband and I thought it would be fairly easy for an English speaking engineer to find a job in the east of the Netherlands. But most local roles required Dutch, either explicitly or practically (only being able to speak English in a small office environment can be incredibly isolating). He's now a stay-at-home dad and ok with that but it wasn't our original expectation.
We are extraordinarily lucky our parents are in good health and able to travel to see us / their grandchild. That's not something you can take for granted.
seyerkram@reddit
This. We moved to NL hoping my wife would also be able to find a job in her field after months of searching. It was promising at first as she was getting interviews, but nothing materialized to an offer.
We know lots of factors are there especially not being fluent with the local language.
After a few years and eventually moving to Ireland where there’s no more language barrier, she’s still unemployed.
I’m still not 100% ok with her being a stay at home wife. But yeah, I really can’t and don’t want to force her to be desperate with it since we are actually doing fine for now. I’m trying to convince her to do something else like enrolling in classes just so she can learn something but yeah, it doesn’t work if I’m the only one wanting it.
la_riojaa@reddit
I feel you. Before our kid was born, my husband had become a stay-at-home husband in the NL - and I found myself unpacking a lot of social stigma against an unemployed, able-bodied man. I really reframed my own perspective and for the first time realized how much more time I had free once he took over all the householding responsibilities. During my pregnancy he scheduled every single appointment, applied for kraamzorg, made postpartum kits and meals for us - I ended up getting promoted during this time to a demanding role and 100% believe that would not have happened if I hadn't been able to focus so wholly on my career.
My best to you both and try to keep in mind that productivity =! paycheck.
myrighthandwoman@reddit
Oh yes, and do not move until you have your visa approved. I made that mistake as well. The day we landed in our new country, o received the much anticipated email from Immigration. Except it was a rejection email. I was so fucking stressed. It did work out in the end, but took years off my life
myrighthandwoman@reddit
I wish I’d considered how hard it would be for my husband. He really is having a hard time. Had a hard time with employment, and a hard time settling in. If your spouse has any hesitation about moving abroad, listen to them and don’t go.
Anxious-Slip-4701@reddit
My wife steamed about moving to a different city (her mother's birth town), I do love it there but I'm practically unemployable there. Meanwhile here I've got friends, opportunities, side jobs etc.
breadit124@reddit
I’m grateful that we realized this in time but I didn’t fully understand until we’d moved how important it is to enroll kids in local schools if you are immigrating to a new country (one that you want them to grow up thinking of as home, not a place you moved to for a handful of years for work.) It’s understandable that parents moving abroad think of international schools or even just more international-style local schools (thinking of educate together schools here in Ireland) as a more familiar transition for kids. But having now moved myself with three young children, their experience in regular local school with kids in their own neighborhood has been immensely important to our whole family integrating into life here.
Anxious-Slip-4701@reddit
My wife's objection was that she didn't want to have to be driving all over the city for birthday parties. Today we just walked ten minutes for a birthday party. We go out for a walk and we run into friends.
alidxb25@reddit
The thing many people underestimate is that relocation is not just “salary converted to a new country.”
It’s partner career impact, childcare/schooling, housing deposits, healthcare, tax, visa delays, and how long it takes the family to feel settled.
Before accepting, I’d calculate the real monthly life after the move, not just the gross offer. This free relocation salary calculator may help with that:
https://humenti.com/relocation-salary-calculator
Top-Half7224@reddit
Long term residency and citizenship. One of our children grew up in an EU country (originally from the UK), we returned all to the UK when he went to university and now he cannot legally move back to the EU (thanks Brexit) country where he had all of his schooling and friendships. Its been difficult for him.
breadit124@reddit
This is such an interesting perspective. We moved to Ireland in part because it’s where one parent and two or three kids had citizenship. We could have moved anywhere in the EU but I kept thinking what if the laws change and we end up with the family split into different citizenships?
If you’re willing to share, I didn’t entirely follow your son’s path. He grew up in the EU but only attended schools and made friends in the UK?
curious-rower8@reddit
How it goes from exciting to isolating over period of time. As an adult making social circle is hard that too when you have job/kids. You may live in a nice city/country but it feels you are doing routine and surviving without much connection to local community/culture.
ellytic@reddit
Relocating abroad is a huge decision, and it’s great that you’re thinking about all these aspects beforehand! Here are a few things that many expats, especially those moving to Greece, often underestimate:
If I were to make the decision again, I’d definitely spend more time understanding the local culture and legal requirements, particularly around residency and tax registration.
Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with AFM registration and navigating some of the bureaucratic processes. Happy to answer any questions!
projectmaximus@reddit
How much we would like to here and how much that has changed our life plans and trajectory.
Hour_Entertainer6493@reddit
Among the list, language and healthcare were the most challenging especially for adults. The children will learn a new language in no time.
bubbles-prime_978@reddit
I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit physically as much but I figured I’d be able to just replace that with talking on the phone. I really underestimated how difficult time zones make that.
boxesofcats@reddit
That I’d stay abroad for 10 years and counting
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
Too many people move without anticipating their parents eventually will get old.
Finding acceptable solutions after people moved can be very tricky.
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Hundreds of stories available: https://www.google.com/search?q=what+did+you+underestimate+about+moving+abroad