mom fell and now refuses her fall detection watch.
Posted by QuoteGold1928@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 62 comments
My mom took a bad fall last week in the kitchen, nothing broken but she bruised her hip pretty good. She has this fall detection watch we got her after her doctor recommended it, supposed to alert if she goes down and call for help automatically. Worked fine when we tested it but now she flat out refuses to wear it. Says it feels heavy, pinches her wrist, and she doesn't want to look like she's waiting to die.
I get it she's 78 and still pretty independent but i'm worried sick thinking what if it happens again when i'm not around. Tried talking to her gently but she just gets mad and takes it off. She's home alone most days since dad passed. Anyone dealt with this how do you convince someone stubborn to keep it on or is there better options that don't feel so obvious?
GlitteringCobbler987@reddit
My friends mom fell, hit her head on the counter, broke her neck and laid on the floor for 72 HOURS until the neighbor heard her shouting for help.
I told my own mother (who falls) that story and she still refuses to get a life alert.
I'm sorry friend, but there is nothing you can do
FormidableMistress@reddit
I used a fall detection device for a bit, it looked like a beeper and clipped to my pants. I have epilepsy and was alone most of the time and was afraid of having a grand mal seizure and being unable to call for help.
It was cumbersome and annoying. I knocked it off one day and it fell to the floor ...and didn't register the fall. No one was alerted, no one called. I called the company to see if anything had been detected and it wasn't.
I would try the necklace. They have long chains and can be worn under the shirt. FYI insurance covered mine, so if anyone else is thinking about getting one for your loved one but aren't sure about the costs, Medicare will cover it.
andiinAms@reddit
I have no idea.
My mom used to complain about her mom not wearing her hearing aides, and constantly asking “what?” when people were talking.
What do you think she does now? Yep, has hearing aides she never wears, and is constantly asking “what?”
😒
nobearable@reddit
Devices like this take away autonomy. We're going to be in her shoes one day, and we are not going to like intrusive monitoring and a lack of control over when or how we ask for help.
Someone else mentioned a voice controlled system as an option to offer versus a wearable device. If she is open to that, great. If not, she's a grown adult who must accept the risk and consequences, and you as the loved one have to accept the decision.
But she also has to accept and respect the boundaries you set in order to support her decision without driving yourself crazy.
I'm sorry you're going through this. If you're also a parent, you're going through, or about to go through, similar with kid(s) which compounds the strain.
Katyafan@reddit
The apple watch half of us are wearing now?
I found that consequences are the best teachers for Boomers. I won't speak up for my dad who refuses to get hearing aids, and his granddaughter is getting sick of having to yell for him to hear. I may have told her to stop yelling in the hopes of getting him to see reason. He finally got an exam (which showed what we all know), because the consequences hit him. Won't order the aids yet, but he will need to if he wants to enjoy the kids and understand what everyone is saying.
Driving is next, although my mom says she is waiting until after his first accident to bring it up or else he will be impossible to deal with. They went through this with their parents and promised me they wouldn't do it to me. I remind them of that, and when they argue, they lose the privilege of my help and presence. That teaches them better than any fight or lecture can. Just clear, listed consequences that occur without discussion (except ahead of time, when you lay them out). It works, and everyone has less stress since there are fewer arguments. Do x, y happens. Simple.
nobearable@reddit
Yep, exactly this.
(I'm one of the half who doesn't wear tracking enabled devices like Apple/Google watches, so I have a different perspective on data privacy vs convenience, but I understand your point.)
Neither-Mycologist77@reddit
My mom just shout-repeats everything anyone says for my dad. But she's enabled his every whim their whole lives.
dagr8npwrfl0z@reddit
So my grandma refused the watch(es), and kept complaining about the cheap chain on the life alert. So we compromised on an Alexa. At least if she's conscious after the fall she can call me or whoever for help.
She completely embraced it after she learned she can ask about the weather or ask it to read a passage from the Bible or whatever.
smokiechick@reddit
Brilliant! My mom loves her Echo. I'll set up a routine for it to follow if she tells it to call for help ... Why did this never occur to me? Thank you!
dagr8npwrfl0z@reddit
Shoot. Even better if she's already embracing the technology. I had an uphill battle. 😆 I will add that Alexa won't call 911. I had to put emergency dispatch and the fire station's actual phone number in there to use if she can't reach me or my wife first.
smokiechick@reddit
Good to know! She uses "rain sounds" all night (and into the day, because she is deafer than she thinks), the weather, calling to other people in the house... Shouldn't be hard. She wants to put me on her car title and bank account, so I think she's getting to the "acceptance" part of getting close to 80
SolitudeWeeks@reddit
Just an fyi, I'm an ER nurse and had a patient who fell and was on the floor for hours before family checked in because the Alexa didn't respond when they tried to call for help. It's better than nothing but I'd still check in regularly as a back up.
TheAngerMonkey@reddit
My mom has passed now, but the Alexa was a HUGE help to her in her last few years. She was mostly blind, but every day when I'd stop by she'd be playing music or asking it the news or weather. We got it so she could call me for help if she couldn't reach or find her phone or her call button (she had an assisted living apartment) but she also really enjoyed that it could get her info on whatever she needed whenever she wanted it.
She also really liked the automated morning routines (lights on low at 7:30, start playing the NPR news headlines, etc.)
DollaStoreKardashian@reddit
This is what we’ve done for my parents. Dad has muscular dystrophy and uses a cane (when he should be on a walker…but that’s a different battle altogether) but he’s never in his life worn a wristwatch or anything - outside of his wedding ring - that could be considered jewelry. We were able to compromise on an Echo Dot and an Echo Show.
There’s a lot I vehemently dislike about Echo/Alexa, but you can’t argue with the fact that it could save my dad’s life if he falls.
rpmsm@reddit
My mom can barely stand up right and refuses a walker, just a cane. Every single moment is a correction to stop a fall. Just exhausting to deal with misplaced pride and stubbornness, knowing a bad fall is coming.
MessageSpecial3696@reddit
They have pendants too, she can keep tucked in her shirt if she is self-conscious about it
saltybruise@reddit
You can't control your mom. You can't control anything. You can make your own stress worse by trying to convince her of shit she doesn't want to do. Pick your battles, this won't be the last one.
PikaGoesMeepMeep@reddit
True. I am just now coming up against this, and my mom isn't even 70, yet, but she has a huge fear of being seen as "old." She won't even allow the grandkids to call her grandma because it "sounds old." She refuses to get tested for sleep apnea because she is convinced that the doctor is just trying to make money off her. She refuses to use a walker after joint replacements because she isn't old! She refused a hearing aid for almost a decade because she isn't old! She finally got a hearing aid and woah! She seems way more calm and alert and the conversational issues I've had with her (ignoring me, talking about random tangents, asking the same questions over and over) have all vanished. I didn't realize just how good she is at pretending she's fine when there are actually serious issues going on. And she gets so angry and rageful in her opinions that you can't even start a discussion about these medical issues.
Sadly, I think part of it stems from my very judgmental, immature, and mysogynistic stepdad, who has been psychologically cutting her down for decades. I bet she feels judged for any imperfection mostly because of him. I have never judged her for it. And I know my sibling hasn't either, and her friends are pretty nice people, too.
mottledmussel@reddit
It gets really rough when the easily predictable and obvious consequences of their behavior gets dumped onto an unlucky child.
W8andC77@reddit
That’s where the resentment builds. I’m independent I’m independent I get to make choices. True! The very predictable consequences to my choices have arrived, I need you to drop everything and handle them so I can continue being independent. Sigh.
We’re struggling with finding a boundary because I love my dad and my FIL, but my sister, husband, and I are exhausted. I have young kids and we live 4 hrs away. It’s untenable, especially as the health conditions progress. But then I feel guilty and ungrateful.
saltybruise@reddit
I know my dad lived with my guy a decade before he died. Since I couldn't watch him 24 hours a day he found so many interesting ways to add pain to my ass.
Status_Block591@reddit
If she doesn't wear the watch it probably will be
zomgkittenz@reddit
As a parent, it’s bullshit to go through this. I want my kids to do better than me and to not have to put up with half the dumb shit I had to. Why make your kids lives needlessly harder.
That being said, if I don’t want to fucking wear a watch fine. I hav a loving trust set up, so the sooner I go the sooner everyone gets my money. Win win for everyone.
It’s the old boomers that try to drag every one down with them that are the problem.
mottledmussel@reddit
Going through this with my mother and MIL was such a huge wake up call and motivator to get our finances organized and to downsize possessions. Once my teenagers are out of the house I want to go straight up minimalist.
miss_six_o_clock@reddit
Amen. Mine is 95 now and I've wasted so much energy and brain space on these battles. Accepting that she is an adult and still capable of making choices for herself, including bad ones, has helped.
She refused to wear the alert and had a fall that left her on the floor for about 18 hours with a fractured pelvis. The incident led to her having to go to assisted living, where she still doesn't wear her necklace but at least someone hears her when she yells.
jen_17@reddit
☝️☝️☝️ this right here. People are allowed to make unwise decisions. Incredibly frustrating but at the end of the day so long as they know and understand the risks (can pass a mental capacity assessment). You have to preserve your own wellbeing, caring for someone who has no regard for their own wellbeing can be incredibly tough.
Said after an incredibly stressful 12 months with my MIL. Thankfully (?) it’s now deemed she lacks capacity so we’ve been able to get her in a home. She’s end of like kidney failure and Korsakoffs dementia due to long term alcohol and prescription med abuse.
Rust_Bucket37@reddit
This is very true. My wife's trying to help deal with her mom's health issues and her father is a narcissistic ass worried he's going to lose his farm (think Gollum in Lord of the Rings) because she's going to have to stay in a nursing home. Family members have asked him to get it into a trust or LLC or in the son's name (the one in the family that truly wants to farm it).
You can give them advice and opinions but they are they ones that have to chose to do it.
Glum_Entrepreneur894@reddit
What i learned was these devices, even the best ones like Lifeline or Apple Watch, do take some getting used to and most older folks push back at first. It helped for us to frame it more around her being in control if she wore it she could go outside, garden, whatever, and we wouldn't bug her as much. Also, swapping out the band for something softer and lighter saved us a lot of grief. Expect some setbacks, and don't beat yourself up if she flat out refuses some days.
StruggleFinancial407@reddit
This… swapping out the band. Even at our age, I can’t stand the rubbery band that comes with Apple Watch. Amazon has some awesomely comfortable elastic fabric bands like this one…
https://a.co/d/00XEsZCU
…that are soft and flexible. She can adjust the strap to fit her comfortably.
KayBeeToys@reddit
It’s the same reason I swap out the straps on all of my bags, briefcases, and suitcases with thick, wide guitar straps.
jestingvixen@reddit
Ditto, this was a game changer for us. My mum was on board but complained bitterly about the band, so I got her a magnetic one she can fuss with as she need to to accommodate swelling or grumpy skin or the fact that she's got tiny wrists that are neither one notch nor the other. Wears her device all the time, now.
Dimplefrom-YA@reddit
oof my mom is broken at 66. and she fell in our basement.. i need to know what this fall detection watch is. i gotta buy her one.
FuzzyScarf@reddit
My mom is very picky and thinks the Apple Watch is too big. I got her a lanyard for her phone and now she wears her phone all the time. I was inspired by “Barbara Howard” from Abbott Elementary; she usually wears her phone at school.
winobambino@reddit
If she is starting to have falls would recommend a referral to physical therapy to address balance concerns. If she no longer drives/is homebound would qualify for home health therapy- PT/OT can come to the house and make safety recommendations. If not, outpatient PT. This referral can come from her PCP. Now is a good time to start adding grab bars- install, never suction! Shower chair with back. Remove throw rugs and bath mats that slide, ensure clear pathways in home and night lights at night if she gets up to use bathroom frequently. Can consider lanyard life alert style button, or cell phone holder bag to ensure it is on her at all times and accessible if she needs to call for help
cashews_clay15@reddit
My mom wears one around her neck, when she remembers. I bought an Alexa and set it up and she gave it away. 🤨
Ryanookami@reddit
My sympathies to you. It’s hard to deal with an aging parent who doesn’t want to admit that they need help. Not to be an awful person, but can you guilt your mom into using it? I had to turn on the tears to get my mom to agree to use a cane. I felt bad about it, but I’d feel a lot worse if she wasn’t using it and got hurt.
Impressive-Cod-7103@reddit
Yep, I was the sole caretaker for my dad in the last few years of his life and realistically speaking, sometimes you have to get a little mean and/or manipulative to get them to pay attention.
I don’t know how many times I had to deadlift him off of the floor because, even with a walker, he’s do dumb shit like lean too far to reach something and lose his balance rather than physically move close to the object he was trying to reach.
artemis_floyd@reddit
Guilt and tears were the last line of defense for me to get my dad to treat his alcoholism as the root cause for the majority of his health issues - which I had to do while he was hospitalized after a fall, that happened while he was taking out the trash (and intoxicated). He ended up needing a full shoulder replacement, then went through major withdrawals in the hospital that landed him in the cardiac ward with atrial fibrilation, and then while still in the cardiac ward almost bled out internally from a perforated bowel that likely occurred due to the combination of pain meds and his terrible diet. About one week and it went from "dad had a fall" to the hospital calling me at 5 am and asking if I was Dad's power of attorney and to get there ASAP.
Accosting him in a hospital bed and guilting him? I hated doing it, it felt absolutely awful and gross, but after watching the man almost die on me multiple times it paled in comparison to letting him keep destroying himself without trying every possible avenue to get through to him. I feel for everyone in this thread who's going through similar, it's such an unfair and heart-rending position to be put in.
HoneyBadger302@reddit
Our mother is also refusing anything along this line. Claims she's terrified of falling and hurting herself, but her only acceptable solution is taking over one of our lives (and burning it to the ground in the process) - any actual simple solution - nope, refuses to even consider it.
So, so be it. She still has autonomy to make her own choices. She has an Alexa, but I'm sure she doesn't pay for the emergency service (probably claiming she can't afford it, because she needs that money for her phone games more...).
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
Sorry. My m-i-l refuses to use a walker or even a cane, even though she falls frequently. She's too vain, thinks it makes her (early 80s) look old. You know what else will make you look old, Betty? Being laid up in the hospital for 6 months with the inevitable broken hip. But what do I know.
EquivalentCup5@reddit
I don’t have a solution, but I get your concerns. My dad had a few bad falls before a fatal one. I’m glad he could reach his phone, but not after having to struggle. Maybe an Alexa like another suggested. Yes, a fall can be fatal.
mothernatureisfickle@reddit
My mom is always on the move. When my dad died in December of 2024 my husband and I had to talk to her about safety. We have an agreement with her that she will keep her phone with her at all times. We set up Siri on her phone and practiced with her how to talk to Siri. We also set up charging hidden but easy to use charging stations all over her house.
We also have her set up with a jackery bar so she can have her phone in her pocket and listen to music or her podcasts and be outside for as long as she wants.
My husband and I share an Apple account with her and we share our locations so she loves seeing where we are and it gives us peace of mind when we know she is in for the night (she has an active social life!)
The Apple Watch has been helpful for her because she loves tracking her steps and her sleep. I’m not even sure she knows there is a fall detection feature but I’m glad it’s there.
jjmawaken@reddit
Could she do one that you wear around your neck instead?
Coriandercilantroyo@reddit
A lot of good advice already given here, but come check out r/agingparents
Shigglyboo@reddit
my dad wiped out on his E-Bike. broke his hip. He was riding out to check the mail (rural home, big yard). He had to crawl back to the house. He still won't wear something like an Apple Watch. He just won't. It sucks. Sometimes people are simply stubborn and there's not much you can do about it.
justonemom14@reddit
I've noticed a pattern in the boomer generation, that they die of stubbornness.
alwaus@reddit
My grandmother on my moms side was fiercely independent, worse when she got older.
They set up a home help to come by 3x a week to help around the house, clean, cook, laundry, etc etc etc.
Before the lady showed up grandma would clean house and do the laundry.
The house is on a hill so its 3 levels , lowest porxh had the washer and dryer as well as the kerosene heater for the house.
She was doing laundry and fell down the steps, broker her hip and shoulder and layed in spilled bleach for an undetermined amount of time but long enough to burn her down to the bone across a large portion of her body as she would turn herself to try ro get out of the bleach.
If she refuses to wear the watch set up ring cams, anything that can monitor her and hear her is she calls out.
justonemom14@reddit
That's so awful. Oof.
Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit
This post hits hard for me. My mom will be 86 in June, mostly stays home since my dad passed, and has balance issues and pperipheral vision loss. She wears an Apple watch which is supposed to call me when it detects a fall, but twice now she's intercepted it before it could. Idk what kind of watch your mom has or how good she is with tech (my mom manages really well) but I'm guessing the Apple watch may not be as bulky or uncomfortable. You can get different bands for it too. She also has a simply safe system and initially it only had a camera on the door and in the kitchen facing the door. I slowly and subtly convinced her I needed to be a user on the app, then managed to make it a good idea to put a camera in her sun room where she spends all her time that faces the back entrance. It just happens to also catch her main pathway through the house, lol. Then, because she refuses to stop walking around the backyard and let me feed the birds for her, I gave her birdfy cameras for Christmas a few years ago. Of course she shared access so I can see the birds too! A bird feeder, a squirrel feeder, and a hummingbird feeder. They catch every angle of the back door and yard. The problem with this is that she did fall one day, and had to scoot on her but back to the patio so she could use a chair to get up. She didn't tell me until she had to because she hurt her hip and knee and we had to go to the doctor. I went back to the cameras to see how i missed it and realized she had deleted over a hour of feed from every camera on that day. 😣 She most certainly stopped the watch alert too. So they help... mostly. Now we just have to figure out taking her keys from her despite her eye doctor gently suggesting she shouldn't drive. She refuses to give up little errands, and takes back roads and no left turns except at lights. Some of her life 360 trips are hilarious, but she manages.
justonemom14@reddit
Wow, deleting video is next level. It amazes me what levels seniors will go to. My grandmother strongly resisted giving up her keys, even though she had seven children and hired help all willing to drive her places. It got so bad, she called the car dealership and bought a new car over the phone, because a new car would come with keys! Fortunately the car dealer called my mom to confirm delivery details, so she found out about it and stopped the deal.
miss_six_o_clock@reddit
I'm super impressed with your mom's use of tech at her age!
I got mine to give up the keys at 88 (after two accidents) by talking about how unsafe and unpredictable the other drivers are out on the roads. I also got her an off-app Uber driver she could call.
Logical-Cherry9395@reddit
Apple Watch. Don't mention the fall detection. Point out all the good stuff it can do: text, music, Siri, steps, etc.
teapots_at_ten_paces@reddit
This is going to sound really morbid, but maybe look up some cases of elderly people falling, where they have died or not received treatment for days. Depending how stubborn she is will determine how effective it'll be.
As a start, I met a guy who was down for four days. Can't remember what caused him to fall, but he was unable to reach his phone, or water, or lift himself up off the floor. The actual fall did very little damage. But four days with now water means he was in kidbey failure when he was found, and subsequently had many other related issues identified during his recovery. Fully independent prior (like your mum), but now reliant on so many treatments and medications.
As a second bit of information, noting you said she bruised her hip. If she happens to fall at any time and actually break it, her quality of life and life expectancy are severely diminished. Due to heavily reduced mobility, if not complete loss of it, the average life expectancy of these patients is around one year post fall, and the risk of further falls goes through the roof.
Add these two things together, and hopefully it'll be enough to convince her to wear the damn watch!
As a final aside, my sibs and I went through similar with our dad. In hindsight, clear and obvious, and worsening, dementia in the years before he died. Absolutely refused doctors and hospitals. When he finally had a moment of clarity, he asked for immediate hospitalisation. He passed away less than a week later. While there was nothing we could do to reverse his condition, getting the right treatments in the right living conditions may have improved his quality of life towards the end.
All the best with your mum. I hope everything works out.
AshleyRoeder33@reddit
There are some that you can get that you place under them on a bed or chair. We have had to get one yet for my mom but they do exist. There’s also ones to wear around the neck if she finds that’s easier than her wrist.
Designer-Bid-3155@reddit
She's gonna do what she wants. My mom is 80 and does nothing we or the dr advises.
kmmccorm@reddit
Get her an Apple Watch and a more comfortable band.
Far-Engine-4879@reddit
Went through a similiar issue myself.
I realized I was just making myself and the other person upset by insisting they do what I think is best for them.
So I stopped insisting.
I pointed out the need to do X and offered assistance.
If they declined, they are adults so I accept.
Accept does not mean like or agree. It means letting the adult be the adult.
As long as the adult is not mentally compromised, they have a right to make their own bad decisions. Letting them allows them to keep their dignity in a bad situation.
If mentally compromised, go through the proper legal channels to get the legal authority to do what needs to be done.
Beck316@reddit
This is my wheelhouse. It's, unfortunately, totally common for people not to wear their pendants, whether they are smart watches (apples watches can detect a fall, not sure about Samsung yet) or lifeline-type products where you press a button to call. Some people are more receptive to the smart home speakers, some might be receptive to smart cameras. If she responds to bluntness, it might be worth noting that wearing a watch doesn't look like "waiting to die" as much as lying helpless, alone on a kitchen or bathroom floor for who knows how many hours looks like 'waiting to die'. One of those scenarios is much more literal.
Elevenyearstoomany@reddit
Haven’t dealt with it personally but my parents’ neighbor was about that age and lived alone. She fell and had a compound fracture in her leg. She had to drag herself through her house, bleeding, and somehow get to her phone on the counter to call 911. She’s in a facility now.
Secret_Elevator17@reddit
My friend's father had Parkinson's, lived alone in another state.
He refused to wear the alert device until he fell one day and couldn't get up and was on the floor for 3 days before someone found him. He literally almost died because he wouldn't wear it and after he fell he was unable to move, then he couldn't get to his meds and seized up.
After that, he wore it about half the time. So even almost dying didn't convince him.
I think it was within the year he was moved to an assisted living home after a second fall and another year or two and he was gone.
He had Life Alert which you pay a monthly fee for the service I think and it's a little pendant thing that hangs around your neck. It might be more comfortable than a watch, in not sure. Good luck.
Anyone-9451@reddit
Is there anyway to do the old school necklace version instead? Idk if she tight that as much or not though
Metzger4Sheriff@reddit
What about a smart watch that has fall detection built in? I believe an Apple Watch can call emergency services directly, while a Samsung watch can only be set-up to make a call to a designated contact but should have longer battery life.
Of course I say this as someone who tried to convince my MIL to wear one without any luck 😂 she gave same reasons as your mom-- she hates wearing watches generally and doesn't want to look old 🙄 lady, you are very clearly old!
Our solution has been for my husband to check in with her every day, which is less than ideal.