How to help my unemployed adult brother?
Posted by Sweet_Virus36@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 219 comments
My younger brother is almost 26 years old and he hasn’t had a stable job. He worked for a few days in a warehouse about 4 years ago and he’s been unemployed for most of his life. He lives at home, sleeps during the day and plays video games at night. Always on his phone. He left school during the pandemic. He doesn’t go out a lot either nor does he hang out with his friends. He basically doesn’t do anything. He goes to the kitchen to eat and then goes back to his room. He lives like a teenager. I have tried to help him as much as I can. I try to find jobs for him and I send him links to apply for those jobs. I have also suggested learning new skills, get a driving license; just do something with his life instead of staying at home all day doing nothing. He is depressed and I’ve even tried to get him help but nothing seems to work. He is on UC and he contributes £100 monthly for the bills at home. My mum is worried about him and she often cries about his future. I don’t know how to help him.
NoNeedleworker5422@reddit
It is really tough to witness loved ones just give up on life like that.
If you're in that situation, then it's cause doing everything outside your comfort zone seems scary or pointless or you fear failing or looking dumb. And receiving things like sending links to jobs or suggesting gping to GP can feel like 'why dont you help yourself'.
So my suggestion if you truly want to help him feel slightly better is to invite him along for something he light be keen to do. Maybe instead of playing alone at home, propose going to a gaming cafe together for an hour. If he likes coffee, maybe just getting a coffee together Sat morning or smt. Suggest something that is so small it feels irrelevant. And stay consistent with this. Maybe overtime he'll be more open to adding on an activity to it (take your coffee to go for a walk / stay and play a boardgame after gaming).
Just anything that gives him a slight glimpse into doing normal stuff and starting to assoviate himself with doing stuff like that.
But - it is not your responsibility to drag him back to life and dont take that as le saying you need to do those things for him. Im just offering an alternative view to what actually might help him feel better.
bbysamurai@reddit
This sounds more like mental health issues rather than pure laziness. The fact that he isn’t even going out and having fun and stays in his room all day is a sign that he’s likely struggling mentally and most likely so used to it he doesn’t even realise it. It’s super hard to get people like that to understand until they’re willing to understand themselves. I wouldn’t pressure him to get a job though, it’ll just make things worse. Perhaps invite him out for drinks, activities or just do things together? Do things as a family? He needs to start enjoying being social again and doing things outside of the house and slowly he’ll start to want to do things with friends or find a partner even. I also wouldn’t listen to the comments telling you to kick him out, what he needs is support.
NobleRegal@reddit
Best response I’ve read here
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
This sounds exactly like my friend... or ex-friend.
All I can say is...having mental health issue isn't his fault, but it is his responsibility to seek help. What has he done to improve his situation?
The reason my friend is 'ex' is because we all realised that he just didn't want to make an effort in his life. For 6-7 years, it just went on because he didn't want to face the reality that we all have to suck it up and go to work and earn money...essentially growing up. Last time I spoke to him was 5 years ago, and heard through the grapevine that he is still a 34 year old who left school at 16 and have done absolutely nothing since. He claimed every benefits he's eligible. His parents are worried about him but too afraid to push him too hard in fear that he would off himself. You just can't help some people.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
I totally relate to the first part of your comment. My friend has moderate ADHD and low level of autism and all he does is moan and complain about his life not improving because he thinks he’s doomed because of his diagnosis. He fully believes his life is over. Whenever I tell him to seek help with the root causes of what he thinks is stopping him progressing in life (ADHD and autism) he doesn’t even want to seek help with it because he thinks he’s above it. Some people just won’t take the help that’s there I guess.
plingplongpla@reddit
To offer another side, this is an extremely entitled take. Your brain drives your whole existence, if your brain is working against you at whatever level, do you not realise that it can be extremely difficult to take the steps you’ve outlined as so simple above left to one’s own devices. Nobody WANTS to fall behind or give up, “getting the help you need” is so massively reductive when for starts the help just isn’t there to get. If it is there, it’s a massive time sink and with several hoops to jump through to get appropriately diagnosed, especially if it’s adhd or autism which leaves you with talking therapies if you can get on the wait list or suffering alone. And quite frankly from the sounds of it these people are suffering alone.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
What you’re failing to realise is that I’m not ignoring the effects of ADHD or autism I understand just how much it can hinder your life but if you don’t even want to seek support on it, how do you expect to progress in life? Just sit in a corner and moan about how doomed your life is? Sorry but that’s a defeatist attitude. So many people with neurodivergency excel in life because they don’t just sit back and it let define them and work with it instead. Is it going to be harder? Absolutely. Is it still possible? Absolutely.
Successful-Bar-8173@reddit
There isn’t really any treatment for autism beyond the usual talking therapies and ADHD meds don’t work for everyone. If you just bully people until they behave how you want them to, they will develop mental health problems.
Amarita_Sen@reddit
There's "how you want them to behave" and then there's there fear of what happens after mum dies, and OPs brother is functionally unable to take care of himself
Melodicmat@reddit
that's when the government take over. Housing benefit etc. It's what my brother done who was like the OP's brother
knittingkate@reddit
Can you tell me more about this? My brother is going down the same route, and it would be good to know he's not going to end up homeless.
louwyatt@reddit
The reason that most neurodivergent people try to overcome the hurdles thrown at them is how they were parented.
On a personal level you can't just sit in self pity as you guarantee failure. From an outside perspective looking in you should have some pity, but also push them to overcome it.
To many people don't appreciate how good parenting was just luck. If you were born in his shoes, you'd likely do the same thing.
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
This is a really good point. Good parenting comes in different form. The parents of the friend I mentioned is the most wonderful people I know. On paper, they are doing everything right... it pains me to say this but they are contributing to his failure by allowing him to sit in self pity and fail... Good parenting is a balance one. I know that if my mother didn't push me when I was younger to try harder, I would probably end up like him. People only grow when there is a crisis.
louwyatt@reddit
My mother made this mistake. Raised me and my sister without rules, just pure love. Me and my sister were ferel with rotting teeth, by the time i was 5. She then developed schizophrena early due to drug use through her childhood. So we got taken off her.
I will add my mother was an incredible lovely person, she wouldn't hurt a fly. I continued to have a great relationship with her until she passed away a few years ago.
My auntie and uncle then took me and my sister in. My auntie had to be very hard on us as we were so ferel. Without my auntie and uncle i would be on benefits wallowing in self pity.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
I’ve been exactly where he has been minus the ADHD and low level autism. I chose not to feel sorry for myself and moan about life and just get on with it. He can do the same thing by seeking support with his diagnosis which by the way is highly manageable.
plingplongpla@reddit
I also understand that these things also lead to depression and anxiety and that does rob you of life. It can make you so empty those same drivers of life just don’t exist as driving forces and clearly the mentioned person is just existing on cheap dopamine hits. It’s not a place anyone wants or dreams to be and if getting better and advancing in life and doing all the things society says you need to be doing to be successful don’t motivate you because life feels hopeless it’s not going to happen through any amount of will or self kick up the ass. I’d posit poor mental health issues are to blame but getting out of that can be Herculean if your natural drivers are completely missing. It’s not easy or even hard it’s mammoth.
Swimming_Possible_68@reddit
This is true... I lucky, I have a decent job, and have always managed to fall on my feet.
But.... There is a weird part of my brain, that I hate, and I have yet to overcome (I'm in my 50s). That simply stops me doing stuff.
I have lost jobs because my brain has just gone 'no... Don't do that'. I've been studying for exams and my brain does the same thing. It's like a weird internal battle where one part of my brain is refusing to engage, even if it's something I'm interested in, while another part of my brain is screaming at it 'you have to do this! Why aren't you doing this!'.
No idea what you would call it. But it drives me spare!
Amarita_Sen@reddit
Demand avoidance?
Successful-Bar-8173@reddit
Executive dysfunction
Swimming_Possible_68@reddit
Is that really what it's called?
Original_Document748@reddit
Exactly . Ive tried getting therapy ( on the NHS) ive had to wait 8 months at one point despite the fact I told them about suicidal thoughts , by the time it came round id lost any and all motivation to do it . Someone in that position once they reach out and ask for help being told they have to wait that long is not easy. I certainly didn't want to fall behind like this in life but life had other ideas .
A1_wA1sh@reddit
I have AuDHD, and I can kinda relate. my issue is I have engineering degrees in an area that has no engineering jobs, so I'm kinda hunting my ass off to get my "dream job". but also, there is no "helping" ADHD and Autism. The therapy is useless, and medication is worse than the actual condition.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Factually speaking, there is definitely help for autism and ADHD. And it can be very effective or next to useless it totally depends on your own experience. But it’s worth a shot at the least.
A1_wA1sh@reddit
Based on my healthcare experience, it's abysmal. The help offered is weighed down with the seeming belief that the doctors don't actually care, they just want you out at quickly as possible. I had 3-6 years of useless therapy and medication before I decided to stop taking the meds and refused the doctors. it's still worth offering though, i guess
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Really sorry to hear that. How do you deal with it now?
A1_wA1sh@reddit
Uhhhh just kinda live my life lol. I know what my breaking points are, and my partner helps so much with my mental health. overall I just kinda try and keep looking forward
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Well it’s great that you have a support system in place 👍
louwyatt@reddit
ADHD and Autism can make life more difficult, i know i have them. I also have bad dyslexia, which has always made language hard. I also had some traumatic things happens then lead to me going to high school 5 years behind in reading.
I could have spent my childhood moaning and crying abour my struggles. Luckily i had my auntie who kicked me up my ass and made me study hard. I passed my english with a B, which was very impressive with me. I then did 6 form, undergradute degree and post gradute degree.
None of that would have happened if i hadnt had a kick up the arse and stopped the self piting. Lifes not fair and trying hard doesn't guarantee success. But not trying does guarnatee failure.
Frankly the failure with these people usually falls with their parents. If you allow someone to be lazy and self pity, they will.
4Fourside@reddit
Wait is there an issue with claiming benefits if you're disabled?
mnbcva@reddit
This sounds exactly like my brother and I live in fear of what will happen once our parents pass away. He's "only" 24 so I was hoping that maybe he'd grow out of it but if this man is 34 then I have no hope left
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
He is exactly what his parents are terrified of: what will happen once they pass?
He has no skills, no education. He spends every day playing video games, gets the latest consoles and gaming gear for birthdays and Christmas, and has meals prepared for him every day. He’s essentially living like a teenager...at 34! They are enabling him!
He even refused to get a driving licence because he thought it might make him more 'employable.' At first, we bought into his mental health struggles and wanted to support him. But over time, instead of seeking help or trying to improve, it started to feel like he would rather everyone else stay miserable alongside him.
I realised I needed to distance myself when I noticed he only seemed to stay present in my life while I was struggling. Whenever things started improving for me, he would disappear. He didn’t seem interested in being part of my life once things got better, likely because it created pressure for him to step up as well.
He would always say that working a 9–5 job was 'slavery'. I don’t love working either, but sitting at home and letting life pass by was never an option for me. What made it harder to understand was that he was never too depressed to have an online girlfriend through gaming, go to the gym, play video games all day, or go out for nice meals. As harsh as it sounds, I eventually came to the conclusion that he’s simply become a bum.
4Fourside@reddit
I'm not sure if I quite understand your "never too depressed to play video games all day" comment tbh. Video games aren't particularly difficult to play. You can play them while rotting away in bed. I don't think depression is gonna hinder it in any way
PokerFriend247@reddit
May I suggest checking for neurodivergence.
WaitingCommenter@reddit
As a parent with 2x diagnosed neurodiverse children, I struggle to see what problem this solves.
Everybody benefits from structure, routine, consistency, implementing healthy habits, good sleep hygiene, regular exercise, a feeling of self-worth and a reason to get up in the morning, etc.
In the absence of full-time employment and being of working age, a daily schedule to introduce some/all of the above is more beneficial - even if you did chose to go down the route of some kind of diagnosis.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Well he can get tailored support to his neurodivergency which can stop him from even beginning to do all of the hive you just mentioned.
methman999@reddit
What kind of tailored support would help in these circumstances?
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Well it’s tailored which means that it depends on his individual circumstances. We don’t know what tailored support might look like for him.
methman999@reddit
Yeah I get what you mean, just wondered what the advice would be for a depressed and anxious individual (like ops bro). I feel like the only thing that can be done is to just 'crack on' egh, so was wondering other than that what they did to help.
WaitingCommenter@reddit
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but...
On average, how long will that take? Anywhere up to 12+ months?
Not everything needs to be provided by the state. Most of the "tailoring" is common sense, and there will still be an element of responsibility on the individual themselves, and parents, to help implement, guide, and provide that tailored support.
Communication between parent and child (no matter the age of the child) is a key component. So is paying attention to scheduling, regular reflections, tweaks and adjustments to maximise and recognise/celebrate progress.
While anecdotal, this is based on my own personal experience.
My eldest of 2x neurodivergent children was never considered capable of sitting GCSE's, but now has a Masters Degree and is in full-time employment.
The youngest is also thriving.
There is ~20 years age gap between the kids.
The success of my kids is based on the structures I put in place with no outside/state help and/or prior knowledge of steps to take, and proves that what I outlined in my previous message works.
PokerFriend247@reddit
In agreement mostly with routines and sleep hygiene.
Not here to diagnose, but I see a pattern. So I mentioned it.
My logic - can not fully fix an issue without knowing what the underlying problem truly is.
solution is more nuanced in a neurodivergent invidual.
getting to the root of the problem means understanding first.
Obstructive sleep apnea would be another area I would check.
FinalGround3804@reddit
Here is the hard truth. You cannot help someone who does not see a problem. He eats. He games. He sleeps. His bills are nearly nothing. Why would he change? The crisis is yours and your mum's. Not his. Until his lifestyle costs him something he actually values, every job link you send is just noise. Stop carrying the emotional weight alone. Family therapy might help your mum stop crying and start setting boundaries.
roxieh@reddit
Yeah pretty much, there's a part of all of us that would love to just do fuck all and have all our needs met for little to no effort. So why would he change? Welcome to a large part of the populus problem we are having at the moment.
He probably needs to face being kicked out but that's a hard ask of a parent really.
Empty-Question-9526@reddit
Hes obviously depressed
roxieh@reddit
Why? Because someone who isn't would want to do more with their lives?
hark-moon@reddit
Would be able to. Not just want to.
This_Suit8791@reddit
I would love not have to worry about bills etc
sqkz69oioi@reddit
Yep
Independent-Loan-581@reddit
loosing something doesn;t work for some people either.
Glittering-Knee9595@reddit
This sounds harsh but is true.
Do I wanna work? No.
Do I have to work? Yes.
One approach you could take is to project forward on your brothers life like what will happen when your mum dies? What’s the housing situation?
By having an honest concert with your brother. Not try to change him in any way, but an honest conversation that just highlights the future he is building for himself.
Is be aware of the consequences, is he ok with that? Eg living there forever, just objective facts without judgment.
I almost guarantee that he will be giving himself a hard time internally about his life. So gently pointing out the future can help someone begin to make tiny changes.
If he himself askes how he can bet out of the rut. I would start with physical health.
Get out in the daytime and have a short walk. Lift weights at home
Start there but these changes must come from him.
There may also be work for you as a family around radically accepting the situation without trying to change it. It sounds counter Intuitive, but often when we do this, things naturally evolve and change. It may be a slow process
zeusdadog@reddit
it sucks because the family ends up carrying all the stress while he’s kind of insulated from the consequences of staying stuck. you can support someone without making their entire life friction free forever.
RelationshipLife6739@reddit
He likely won’t get into gear until something drastic forces him to, say he was forced to move out and therefore forced to get some kind of job to sustain the same lifestyle he’s currently living.
Melodicmat@reddit
isn't that when he just gets housing benefit to pay his rent instead of his parents?
That's what my brother done
RelationshipLife6739@reddit
Fair point lmao
Beneficial-Shine9284@reddit
Do they contribute anything or do they just get to keep all their universal credit? Once I left education I paid half my job seekers in rent then when I moved out I got given this money back to use towards a deposit.
Honestly I feel like if you have a 21+yo who just wants to play games all day/night it's time to cut the internet off to their devices.
Kimbo-BS@reddit
Let's be honest, most of us work due to a necessity, not because we want to.
You and your parents have to create that necessity and stop enabling his current lifestyle.
Going soft won't work.
Raise his monthly contributions so he cannot afford his current luxeries.
If he seems like he is consitantly making a genuine effort, maybe then you can help out a bit more... but until then, tough love.
Melodicmat@reddit
I honestly don't think that will work as good as you imagine. Certainly for some people. Depressed people will 'adapt' very quickly and will almost relish the 'punishment' and will simply sleep as an alternative to videogames
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
Using fear as a motivation. E.g cutting support, increasing responsibility may help in the short term. But it doesn't deal with the existential nature of depression. Depression often tells us that something else is going on, often unprocessed trauma and that there is no point in a way foreward.
Tough love can go one of two ways, it's a sink or swim scenario.
Puzzled-Barnacle-200@reddit
Depression is often helped by getting on a normal human sleep schedule. Depression is often helped by a routine, and regular interaction with other humans. Depression is often helped by spending time outside of your house, andoutting effort into doing something that makes the world better, no matter how small.
Its not going to get better by spending all day playing video games.
Weirfish@reddit
Not all humans have a naturally normal human sleep schedule, and it's kinda co-dependent with things like depression, not purely causal. In my experience, the routine is the bigger thing. If I don't have daily obligations like work, my sleep naturally runs forward about 2 hours every day; 18 awake, 8 asleep, give or take. Forcing it to fit work is a negative, but the routine that work gives is a much bigger positive.
It doesn't even have to be work, though. Ultimately, I think it's a sense of immediate purpose. Not necessarily passion, but a sense of action and achievement at a low level is huge. Gaming is an easy way to achieve that in a low risk, but very low reward circumstance. Retail work is most often a dearth of it, but getting paid can be huge.
Plus, very few people are going to want to hire an inexperienced 26 year old NEET shut-in. They will almost certainly have better options in this environment.
It's tricky, it depends on the person and the circumstance.
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
Very true, all the things that you mentioned help with depression. It's a very multi faceted disorder. But when the dopamine and serotonin system is so under functioning. An initial boost through medication is often needed as a first step. Otherwise the other things won't follow.
Unprocessed trauma is also exhausting for your nervous system, and will leave anyone depleted if it's not addressed.
Melodicmat@reddit
Don't have much to add, but I have some experience of this due to my own brother, as well as 2 of my friends
All 3 are in their 30's and have never really worked. (my brother never, the 2 friends, maybe a few months total)
All 3 are now on various benefits and living alone so you maybe don't need to 'worry' too much about him? (even though it's not ideal)
But the route cause is, I guess depression. First step would be exercise and medication, I guess. Not that you can force him into either
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
Sounds like he could do with a dose of magic mushrooms
Melodicmat@reddit
for his depression, you mean?
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
I do, yes
Jew_Diligence@reddit
I guess it’s a bit late to put the slob up for adoption so just cut him off financially, then charge him rent and food money. If not evict him. He will discover a job I promise you.
Tough love is real love.
Melodicmat@reddit
I doubt he'll get a job still though, tbh. It will be universal credit and housing benefit to pay his rent.
Best_Judgment_1147@reddit
Wow for a second I thought you were describing my brother. Unfortunately I can't offer any advice except maybe some tough love to try and get him on his feet, he has a cushy life at home but he has no social axis so he has no need to try and improve his situation... I hope you get better ideas than having to resort to that though.
OctaviousBlack@reddit
I've been in a similar position and I'd recommend counselling (probably through something like zoom/microsoft teams) and signing up for job seekers allowance. Both were a helpful kick up the bum for me. Unfortunately there's not much you can do if they're unwilling to do either and the parents keep supporting them unconditionally.
Least_Pipe_2486@reddit
Your mum crying about it and you sending job links are both forms of pressure, even when the intention is care. He feels it. People in that state become very sensitive to being seen as a problem to be solved. Sometimes the most productive thing a family can do is stop performing visible concern and just treat him like a normal person for a while. Pressure and worry have not worked in four years. That is worth noting.
Fantastic_Picture384@reddit
Chuck him out of the house ?
ryanhealy@reddit
How is that a helpful solution? You sound heartless
Fantastic_Picture384@reddit
He will be there for years, so doing nothing is more heartless.
Original_Document748@reddit
Yep exactly, thats how my family treated me and it just made it ten times worse and also ruined my relationship with them
Fantastic_Picture384@reddit
So, you couldn't be bothered to work, did fuck all during the day, contributed nothing... and It's your families fault that they wanted you to be a proper person.
TheAireon@reddit
I mean, why does family have any say in what you do with your life? Does your family tell you what jobs to apply for and what to do with your spare time?
Treating him like a normal person is probably the best course of action and that probably involves chucking him out like you said.
A1_wA1sh@reddit
Because the family is currently housing, feeding, and enabling his sponge behavior? I can't speak for any parents, but mine always encouraged me to get working again, just so I'd have something to DO. it helped me
TheAireon@reddit
This person clearly doesn't want to. So what's the next step in your opinion?
A1_wA1sh@reddit
Unfortunately, I'm a harsh person at heart. Raise his rent, make him pay for his own wifi, phone, food, and electricity, and if that fails then kick him out. It's an awful lesson, but one that desperately needs to be learned. I'm only 20, but I'm fighting to get a good job because I want to live comfortably, raise a family, and make my parents proud.
Original_Document748@reddit
This is exactly my thought process too . My mum at one point even tried to dictate what jobs im applying for . It doesn't help one bit . I dont understand this whole logic of treating someone like a POS just because there unemployed
DisastrousPea123@reddit
Yes, the hatred for people currently out of work is something I don't understand, youth unemployment is very high at the moment, it's tough out there
TermAggravating8043@reddit
Because there’s a line between being unemployed for a bit while you look for a new job, and refusing to work anything after months of sitting on your arse
The__Pope_@reddit
Were you living in her house and not contributing financially? Then no wonder she wanted you to get a job
Original_Document748@reddit
I contributed .
The__Pope_@reddit
Enough to cover your expense?
Original_Document748@reddit
Yep , my mum lives in council housing and also is disabled so is on all the low tariffs so bills are low compared to other houses , I also helped looked after her and done household cleaning etc
The__Pope_@reddit
Because their family is having to pay for everything for them
TheAireon@reddit
They don't have to. It works both ways.
The family can't tell this person what to do with their life but that also means this person can't tell their family how to spend their money.
I'm surprised this idea is controversial
The__Pope_@reddit
If a person is paying for an adult to live with them, paying for their food, utility bills and going out money etc, then they're going to get fed up of it when there's no good reason that person can't get a job and pay for their own things
TheAireon@reddit
Then they should stop paying for stuff. Paying for things is a choice.
TermAggravating8043@reddit
How do you tell the leckie company to not put electricity into his room? How do you stop them using the toilet?
If they live in the house then benefit from all these things and the only thing you can do is ask them to leave knowing they’ve no money and no where to go
Alarmed-Cheetah-1221@reddit
Because they're usually sponging off of said family.
Original_Document748@reddit
I contributed via benefits , I looked for jobs and helped in the house more as my mum is disabled. Its not easy finding a job like people seem to think it is
DisastrousPea123@reddit
No idea why you're getting downloaded for this comment, sad to see
Fantastic_Picture384@reddit
Finding a job is really difficult. I spent months on the dole and was really depressed for a time. But I never did anything that the Op mentioned. I carried on looking, went to the Job centre, applied for every job under the sun... whilst looking after a disabled parent. I wouldn't have welcomed more help from my friends and family.. not walked away.
WhatevahMingah@reddit
What’s stunning lack of empathy from you…
Fantastic_Picture384@reddit
Empathy. Where is the Empathy from the person mentioned in the op... they are the ones abusing their families love
WhatevahMingah@reddit
I’m talking about your response to the other commenter, darling.
TopBookChat1105@reddit
I don’t follow your logic here so did you just drain your family, not take accountability and then… you stopped speaking to them?
Original_Document748@reddit
I didnt take anything from them. Not one penny . I claimed benefits. I helped in the house, I looked for jobs. Nothing was ever enough for them . They never once asked about my MH or how I was coping despite the fact they knew I wasn't coping because I told them . Its not that black and white .
TopBookChat1105@reddit
MH is obviously not your fault but it’s very much your responsibility. Your poor family.
Original_Document748@reddit
This was also like 3 years ago lol and ive since had various job and currently work at screwfix
Novel_Ad895@reddit
Just apologise to your family, it is never too late.
Original_Document748@reddit
I have nothing to apologise for so I will not be doing that lol
Novel_Ad895@reddit
I feel sorry for them, you mum must be heartbroken.
Original_Document748@reddit
I feel sorry for yours having raised a unempathetic child who cant step into other ppls shoes . Have a nice day
Follow_The_Lore@reddit
If you lived in a house and weren’t contributing a fair market share in rent then yes you were taking for them.
Original_Document748@reddit
I contributed what was asked of me
Follow_The_Lore@reddit
So your family gave you housing and tried to help you in your job search and then you stopped talking to them?
Empty-Question-9526@reddit
Has he been to the doctors? He might need support mentally and therapy? Maybe encourage him to go and get help. You could also help him to come out, go for a walk. Go to the park/ gym and do more exercise?
The first steps would be changing his lifestyle and then getting a job. Is he claustrophobic or just prefers being indoors?
Healthy-Bee-413@reddit
Could he do some voluntary work at all? It could give him experience and help build his confidence up. It's lovely you're helping him, being so supportive ❤️
Equivalent_Relief553@reddit
He needs meaning and purpose.
motivatedfatty@reddit
If I was your mum I would turn off the internet between 11pm and 7am.
AmphibianNo8598@reddit
Such horrible comments in here! Kicking him out isn’t going to magically make him get a job, it’s just going to make him homeless. The job market is terrible right now, I was on UC for a year and it’s so degrading, I don’t know about your branch but if he wasn’t actively applying for jobs then they would have done something by now, it’ll be even harder for a 26 year old with no experience and no driving license.
I seriously suggest you get him to self-refer for NHS counselling, this is mental illness. He doesn’t need a wake up call, he knows his burden.
Proper_Title_9746@reddit
That will just mean he’ll get more benefits and have even less desire to get his shot together
FoursRed@reddit
Anhedonia is literally the medical inability to have desire. Would you say that a diabetic person shouldn't get insulin because they'll have less reason to produce it naturally?
WhereasSure7277@reddit
I think because most who are commenting are Yanks (Americans). They have a cultural expectation that once you’re 18, you’re out of the family home.
HabitualDrunkard1993@reddit
Keep in mind a lot of people who give advice don’t practise what they preach
lemon-logic@reddit
There are some positive steps he could take. First thing is to get a healthier routine, I know he'll have heard it before, but as someone who also has depression, it really does help. He needs to fix his sleep schedule so he is awake to experience daylight will help and also it should increase his interaction with others.
If your family are able to help fund driving lessons it would be great for him. Helps with the job search and will give him a sense of accomplishment.
Speaking of the job search, get him volunteering or some short-term work experience. Being out of work for so long means he needs to get some recent experience under his belt. Also helps with the sense of routine.
I understand he is on UC but is there any chance he could get a work coach at the job centre? I know they do a lot for those with little experience and guidance for gaining more skills.
I hope this helps. My 30 yr cousin is in a similar boat. I've also had to take a long mental health break from work before and I'm medication so I understand how difficult the stress will be on you too.
knittingkate@reddit
I saw someone further up the thread say this but - you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. My brother is the same (except he’s never worked). He has depression, he’s had therapy, he’s on medication. He was diagnosed with ADHD - but refused medication saying he would find “methods” to deal with it. And he still sits in his room all day, plays video games and refuses to do anything else.
Everyone in my family has bent over backwards trying to help him. But he has to put the effort in himself - and he just won’t do it.
For the sake of your mental health - you can’t make your brother change. By all means signpost resources for him, and if he asks you for help do it. But even if you managed to get him a job - are you going to escort him there every day to make sure he goes? Are you going to be there every single day holding his hand?
xwell320@reddit
The fact that he's being treated like a teenager is maybe why he still is one. He's a big boy, time to kick him out the house and learn how life works.
Empty_Peak_668@reddit
Your solution is to make him homeless?
xwell320@reddit
So very soft. Won't be homeless if he gets his act together and earns money to pay for food and rent. We all managed it.
HabitualDrunkard1993@reddit
If you hate your children this is an excellent solution
WhereasSure7277@reddit
It’s a Yank solution. They expect their kids to be out of the house by 18, regardless of situation.
Blondibee@reddit
Because everyone knows that homelessness is the path to success and not addiction in this day and age. 🙄
Academic-Jackfruit-2@reddit
The fact this country pays UC to someone who lives in his mums bedroom is beyond a joke.
DisastrousPea123@reddit
Do you know how little UC is a month?
Did_OJ_Simpson_do_it@reddit
Such a person would only get like £400 per month, they wouldn't get the housing element. You'd still expect someone like that to pay for toiletries, travel, clothes, etc. even if that's not what's happening with OP's brother.
Proper_Title_9746@reddit
Everyone needs those things, so we go get a job. Why can’t he? Just buying lazy and the system just encourages being lazy
Did_OJ_Simpson_do_it@reddit
I’m thinking more about a genuine jobseeker. How would you expect them to live while looking for work?
Proper_Title_9746@reddit
I’ll all for helping those who truly need and are in difficult emergency-like situations. Being lazy is not an emergency. My taxes go up every single year to fund laziness, while my kids don’t even qualify for nursery hours because I work too much. As a mother it’s already very tough but we are constantly discouraged from working and contributing.
Blondibee@reddit
I think the fact that this country has little prospects for his age group and below is more important.
Proper_Title_9746@reddit
That’s true but sometimes you have to take responsibility for your life, no matter how hard the circumstances are. Playing a victim won’t help anyone
Jaded_Leg_46@reddit
So move out.
Proper_Title_9746@reddit
Yeah half the country lives like this
Academic-Jackfruit-2@reddit
Something has to change
Dark_Akarin@reddit
My brother did this, the only solution was to take away the comfort of his room so he had the drive to leave, take everything away from him. No internet, no hand outs, no money, only basic food. Everything you own, take back. Then set a 1 year clock by telling him you will evict him. Then do all you can to help him set up his own and leave. Tough love is the only solution here, I've seen it first hand. My brother now supports himself, he isn't the happiest as he works a shit delivery job but he is still building up a pension.
intellectuallycloned@reddit
My brother is in the exact same situation. Same age, same experience same lifestyle. I feel like theres so many of them!! Honestly what can we dk to help its getting really sad, he graduated with cybersecurity and cant find a job in his field. Im really sad for him.
Flowers330@reddit
Has he had a look at competitions? I've heard of a few in cyber security, some have prizes for the winners and others are more for fun. Maybe find some links and see if you can get him involved.
intellectuallycloned@reddit
Oh this is interesting!! Ive never heard of this before, should I search up cybersecurity competitions? Thank you this is really helpful ☺️
AdjectiveNoun111@reddit
I assume he hasn't got a partner? Pay for a gym membership and persuade him to get in shape, go with him offer positive encouragement.
Also suggest he talks do a doctor as he may be suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness.
Also, does he smoke weed?
Alarmed-Cheetah-1221@reddit
Why would that be relevant?
AdjectiveNoun111@reddit
weed + depression is a really bad combo, I know it's fashionable to say that weed is harmless but if you are already struggling with motivation and depression weed makes everything worse. I know because I used to smoke every day and also struggled with mental health and quitting weed was a big factor in me turning my life around.
Alarmed-Cheetah-1221@reddit
So is heroin/alcohol/coke etc + depression but they've specifically asked about weed which is strange.
Asleep-Software-4160@reddit
For some people it locks them in a depressive cycle. Getting high makes you very relaxed about making the changes you need to make it your life. Then, when you're sober again, you're upset with yourself that you wasted yet another evening when you could have implemented change. And weed makes that bad feeling go away for a bit, so you do it again. Alcohol does the same thing.
Alarmed-Cheetah-1221@reddit
So does heroin but they didn't ask about that
Asleep-Software-4160@reddit
I can only imagine we would expect the OP to have mentioned his brother being a heroin user, whereas booze and weed are both so commonly used, often with no serious ill-effect, it might not seem worth mentioning.
Alarmed-Cheetah-1221@reddit
Given the context of the post, I strongly suspect OP would have been just as likely to tell us about a weed or alcohol problem.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
It kinda is relevant. It’s called the devil’s cabbage for a reason. My friend smoked weed regularly and he noticed he feels much better after quitting.
Sweet_Virus36@reddit (OP)
I did pay for a gym membership and even encouraged him to work out. He went to the gym a few times and then just gave up
AdjectiveNoun111@reddit
What about therapy?
Puzzled-Barnacle-200@reddit
OP said the brother had a couple of phone consultations, but stopped because he didn't want to be awake in the day
DeadlyTeaParty@reddit
Yeah my friend is like that too, they want to work BUT refuse to get a randomjob just to bringoney in for themselves.
They studied childcare, and won't devate from that path. They're still living at home semi dependent on their retired parents finances.
Where I have had random jobs alover, now found a stable job and bought my first house back in 2024.
I studied art and design, then graphic design. (My parents chose for me, I want seen as a person in my family.)
Her seeing me do all that hasn't even inspired them into following suit.
So yeah if my friend wants to be stuck in her teen and childhoodood mode, who am I to argue with? Plus her parents wish she'd get a random job so she can actually afford things. She can hardly afford her phone contact with £60pm. They're shit with money tbh, no savings and stiluff.
adzpower@reddit
To me it sounds like he's extremely depressed, which is understandable given his circumstances. Gently keep recommending him to go and see a doctor is all I can think of which could do some good. Easier said than done though of course.
cathsrealdt@reddit
First of all your mum is 100% enabling your brother anyone can see that and she needs to come to that realisation and soon.
As for the job market it is beyond cooked right now. My last job was in 2023 and since being let go from there it has been beyond a joke trying to get in anywhere else. I went to my local jobs fair today and guess what, hardly anyone was hiring and a couple of businesses didn't even show up. But I am also currently at college working on my maths skills and I volunteer today from 2-4pm.
But anyway, kicking him out isn't the solution, tough love hasn't helped so probably the next best option is a serious talk/intervention because this honestly cannot go on.
Sorry if my response seems rushed I am about to go to my own volunteering in 10 minutes.
Independent-Loan-581@reddit
yeah my father was like that. and then his bad habits gave him 2 brain strokes and continues to live the way he does. Unluckily, you cant do anything. Its not up to you, everyone is responsible for their own lives and you have one of your own to handle. Can't take pills for peoples headaches. Some people don't learn even when they something of value.
Old-Abbreviations845@reddit
He does nothing to get a job but you want to help him? Doing what? Looking a job for him?
Nah let him find out what the real world is like
He deffo should not be getting any money from tax payers when he is not even trying to do his part. And he should start paying rent and bills if he’s that age and doing NOTHING
Asleep-Software-4160@reddit
You can't force him to get a job, but your mum is letting him live like a teenager, which is ultimately a very easy life when you've got zero ambition. Increase his living costs to what he actually costs the household and try to get him a mental health referral. Don't cook for him, clean for him, or shop for him. He needs to engage with the world as an adult, which he won't do if people enable him.
And make sure there's only disgustingly healthy food in the house. No snacks, just broccoli.
pangolin_howls@reddit
Absolute wetwipes downvoting you. What you've said is correct, maybe not the broccoli though.
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
Using fear as a motivation. E.g cutting support, increasing responsibility may help in the short term. But it doesn't deal with the existential nature of depression. Depression often tells us that something else is going on, often unprocessed trauma and that there is no point in a way foreward.
Tough love can go one of two ways, it's a sink or swim scenario. Consistent medication and preferably therapy should be the first place to start.
Ok_Lecture7630@reddit
Also, do any of his symptoms align with that of ADHD or autism?
Stevenc15211@reddit
As harsh is this sounds, with nobody telling him to get off his arse and do something without consequences just sets this up to happen. To add things into the mix, the government pays him to sit on his arse and do nothing which is part of the reason we are in she much shit these days because there is no reason he can't work and do something.
Most will disagree with this but not your fault per se, parents have a massive role in this and haven't stepped up. If he can live as it is then it won't change.
Not much you can do other than sit down with your mum, agree if he doesn't pull his weight then he's going to have to leave, sell his shit and pay 1/3 of the bills to the house, the 100 quid or what isn't covering it.
_Rookwood_@reddit
I don't blame him really, what is out there in the world to look forward to? It really is an endless grind and there's no guarantee you will be rewarded with anything.
Has your brother ever been encouraged in his life by your parents? Has anyone ever expressed an interest in him? Very easy to give up before you've ever started because you have never felt like you're worth a jot to anyone around you, so why value yourself?
There is zero male initiation into adult life, society doesn't seem interested in facilitating male flourishing anymore - it's more focused on women. We lack a collective ideal for what young men should do and aspire to be, we have given into relativism and anodyne ideas like "just do what makes you happy". The structure, the hierarchy, the vision for a man's future is completely deranged.
pangolin_howls@reddit
Aye, don't blame him....let everyone else around him suffer and foot the bill.
Like others have said, he's living like a teenager.
The GP is free if he needs it.
He needs a boot up his arse, tbh.
AccomplishedImage836@reddit
What about some form of adult education? Sometimes there are courses locally, but there are some online that he might get for free. Gaining an achievement in this area, might make him feel abit more confident when applying for jobs, and usually if they are done face to face those running the courses have links to local employers/other services that can support getting in to paid work. Additionally, the pandemic messed up lots of people's mental health. Try to ease the job pressure and see if he will engage with some local or online mens mental health clubs or groups.
Feeling-Ad6796@reddit
The pandemic was 6 years ago. He was 22 then so how did he leave school at that age ?
merryman1@reddit
He doesn't engage with therapy... Because it disrupts his sleeping pattern... Because he's spending all day asleep.
Some tough love needs to break this cycle. You are all allowing him to live like this.
This_Suit8791@reddit
I think this is common these days, I have a brother who is 35 and done one week work in his life. Somehow he found a partner and they have two kids now but he hasn’t changed.
While your brother may be depressed it’s honestly not an excuse as I suffer from it everyday but I go out to work and earn a living. I’ve been there when not working and it’s a cycle of having no money so don’t want to go outside and it just makes you feel worse, but you just have to push yourself.
I know the job market is crap these days but there’s jobs out there you just have to be willing to do anything. As for helping your brother there’s not much you can do, he has to help himself. Your mum needs to try some tough love though, not kick him out but restrict internet or something as he’s never going to change as he’s comfortable as is.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
That’s crazy, no offence to him but what woman actually wants a man like that? How are they even getting by if he doesn’t have his life together?
This_Suit8791@reddit
I don’t understand it either don’t worry, benefits and she now works in Greggs. Their son has bad autism so he claims as his carer. I could say other stuff but it’s honestly embarrassing and don’t want it online.
Cozmic_Fool1931@reddit
He's always gonna be a bum and a man child, your mum is making his life too easy so what reason would he have to get off his ass and get a job?
hellopo9@reddit
First step before a job is voluntary work. Its easier to get, less stressful and builds a CV that will help him get a job.
Something like Oxfam, or another charity shop is ideal. Start a few days a week, then build up a routine until it's normal he is out of the house and doing something. He will also be doing something good for the world by volunteering for a charity.
Use that foundation to later build on.
Itchy-Ad4421@reddit
Just let him crack on. If he really wants / needs to get a job I’m sure he will try.
Sounds like he’s living his best life at the minute though
SmellingThomas@reddit
I have experience of supporting young men in similar positions. I think a key point is there is so much pressure from online and social media platforms for young people to be the perfect man and be able to do everything, that the pressure is too much and some people almost opt out of life rather than meet these unrealistic expectations that they feel are places on them.
NerdOnTheStr33t@reddit
Half the people I grew up with have ended up like this.
It's very easy to feel lost and disenfranchised as a young man, it's a real problem, especially for young men who have grown up in and around cities in the last 10-15 years with the stripping of public assets and services.
I think sitting down and having a frank and honest conversation with him, doing your best to understand his hesitations and not being judgemental but still being firm about yours and your mum's concerns.
Maybe start with a bit of volunteering work with a local group just to get to grips with getting out the house and spending time in other people's company. Once the confidence has grown a little bit, then start working towards a job and qualifications.
If you don't feel like you have any purpose in the world, and the world has no place for you, it's doesn't take much to decide to ignore the world and just exist.
BillyJoeDubuluw@reddit
Has he had any mental health interventions at all?
It’s such a tricky situation and it’s really easy for people with no direct experience to come out with all the shitty seventies and eighties one liners like “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” as if they’re the brains of Britain and dispensing top notch advice…
It clearly reads as though he’s depressed and in reality that needs to be tackled head on and he needs to get in to a couple of hobbies before bombarding him with career paths that he’s just not currently capable of/ready for…
Is there an anxiety element to the problem? Is he scared to leave the house?
If this situation has basically continued through the lockdown without any mental health services being contacted then that’s your first port of call… He needs to get in the habit of getting up and out of his bedroom first and foremost…
Best wishes
plingplongpla@reddit
So true, if you’ve struggled mentally you just would never lead with some of these comments. If you know, you know what it’s like
Original_Document748@reddit
It sounds like he could be depressed and struggling mentally , have you tried reaching out to just ask him if hes ok ? And ask how hes doing mentally?
Sweet_Virus36@reddit (OP)
We both struggle with our mental health. I have chronic depression and I’m on medication for my anxiety. Last year it was so bad that I had to quit my job. I know he struggles with depression and we’ve talked about this many times. I have even encouraged him to speak to the GP and seek therapy. He tried phone therapy but then gave up after a couple of sessions because he couldn’t ’be bothered waking up too early for a phone call’, his words not mine. I want to help him but I just don’t know how
Original_Document748@reddit
I don't think at that point you can . You cant help someone who doesn't want to be helped .
ShrewSkellyton@reddit
Really terrible advice. The man's not an addict, there's obviously a family lineage of anxiety and depression that they should be figuring out as a team instead of this language of blaming. Reddit has become so full of bad and outdated Dr Phil-esque advice
Original_Document748@reddit
They said they have tried to help him , it does get to a point where yiu simply cant help someone . Its not like they commit him etc he doesn't meet the criteria . My brother was hearing voices and thinking ppl were trying to kill him and it was still a fight to get him committed
ShrewSkellyton@reddit
Committing him to a hospital is literally the solution of 100 years ago btw..someone else mentioned they need to look into getting him diagnosed for neurodivergence and looking for resources after that. Like jobs he might feel more comfortable with (janitor,night security, etc)
Original_Document748@reddit
Its a needed solution sometimes like in my brothers case. Hes now back at work and doing much better and is going to uni in September. Getting him diagnosed isnt going to help him all that much tbh as someone who went through the same thing.
plingplongpla@reddit
I agree, some of the comments here are just not helpful in the slightest.
Curious_Peter@reddit
your not going to like this.
But this fall squarely in the category of not being your problem to solve.
He is an adult, and as long as he is paying such a small pittance to household costs, and other people are paying for things for him, I can guarantee he has no incentive to do anything but be a lazy bum.
Source : I was like him until I was about 25 and realized that if I wanted nice thing, I had to get them myself.
Emergency-Lock5505@reddit
Sounds like you don’t want to and just looking for comments confirming your decision which is completely fine
Jazs1994@reddit
I don't know how people do this to their friends or family.
I'm 32, living at home still for various reasons, was unemployed for about 8 months before the pandemic so was easier to get a basic job.
But even still now I'm paying slight above market for a 1 bedroom rent in my area because food is bought for me. I do everything else like laundry, cleaning etc but the cooking is taken care of so we all eat together as they've always eaten tea at 5 and I wfh finish at 5 so there's no way I could cook in time.
You need to have a proper talk with him.
He's had it way too easy for too long so you can't just give him an immediate ultimatum, stop washing his clothes, stop making edible food to share. Put locks on fridge etc until he at least starts helping round the house.
Need to look into job fairs and agency work, give him a timeframe of getting a job by x otherwise he's kicked out. But be prepared for some kick back
Altruistic_Dare6085@reddit
Just a quick caveat that I am not a mental health professional and this advice is based on my personal life experiences. I feel like how you approach this heavily depends on what you mean by "depressed". If he is only mildly depressed, because he doesn't have anything to do all day, the "force him to get his shit together and tell him to get a job or he has to move out" approach can be quite helpful because it will force him to get out the house and interact with people.
If he is very severely depressed, giving him an ultimatum like that could backfire because it could lead to him feeling overwhelmed and freezing up even more. I know that it can be incredibly frustrating when someone with severe depression appears to be refusing to do anything or just saying "no" to helpful suggestions. There can sometimes be this death spiral situation with severe depression where someone struggles to do basic things because of their depression, and then every time they struggle they interpret it as proof their depression is right and they are a useless failure, so they start avoiding the thing they "failed" at, which just makes them even more depressed in the long run.
If he is more severely depressed, I'd suggest more of a "baby steps" approach. Encourage him to do something that he's been avoiding in as easy a way as possible, e.g. cooking a basic meal once a week, making sure he leaves the house for a five minute walk once a day, cleaning a bit of his room that's messy. Once he has seen he can regularly succeed at one of those "easy" tasks, slowly add more or add something a little more challenging, like trying to volunteer once a week, being responsible for cleaning the house, meeting up with his friends regularly in person. Eventually build up to him getting a part time job, then a full time job, then moving out.
If you can convince him to seek mental health support I would also strongly encourage that. Meds aren't an instant fix and don't work for everyone, but I know way too many people that entirely avoid them due to online fearmongering. I reacted badly to the antidepressants I was put on, which just meant they didn't do anything to fix my symptoms and I got some rare physical side effects I didn't like. The online narrative of them being an "easy" way out or immediately turning you into an emotionless robot is a massive oversimplification, I had a bad experience and I'd still recommend other depressed people try a few to see if they help, because they help for most people.
Therapy is also really useful, although I know accessing it can be hard. The free NHS cognitive behavioural therapy sessions aren't always enough if you have a more complicated long term issue to solve, but they can still provide good basic coping skills. Finding a decent private therapist who specialises in the kind of issues your brother has could help for more long-term interventions, but I am aware that's not always financially possible.
Whether it's through therapy or not, I'd also make sure any long-standing issue that might be causing your brother to feel depressed gets addressed. All the mental health walks in the world will be of limited effectiveness if there is something actively ongoing that is making your brother feel miserable all the time. There are a lot of things that could potentially cause that, and they probably won't be the same as what turned out to be the issue for me. If you or your brother suspects something deeper might be going on, try and look into ways to fix that. Therapy works really well for this, but so does stuff like journalling, etc.
DustTheHunter@reddit
Two children with depression not working, not helping your single mum.
That is just crazy to me
Sweet_Virus36@reddit (OP)
I never said I’m not working…. I have a job and I don’t live at home. Neither is my mum a single parent. This post is about my brother and I just want to help him
DustTheHunter@reddit
Get him to try a railway apprenticeship, they take on people with very little experience and be can used to learning a new skill and being out on site.
Distinct_Sir_9086@reddit
Stop enabling him and tell your parents to do the same. It’s pretty simple
Did_OJ_Simpson_do_it@reddit
Does he give any reason why he's doing this?
If it's cos he doesn't want to work for someone else (totally understandable) then maybe explore options for self-employment.
If it's because you're in a high CoL area and he know that even working won't get him a flat or a car then maybe try and help him view working locally as something temporary while he saves up to move somewhere better. Gonna be a hard sell but maybe worth a shot.
shiveryslinky@reddit
See if you can get him signed up with the King's Trust - They do amazing work with young people
ZeroFrogsHere@reddit
Unfortunately your mother is enabling this life style.
Tough love is still love, if he was my child I'd be expecting him to job hunting at the very least if he was living with me full time.
There's also a real possibility he is depressed. It doesn't sound like he has any ambition which at 26 is uncommon.
ZeroFrogsHere@reddit
If I was in a position to live with my parents rent free I'm sure I wouldn't be working either.
Sounds like some tough love is needed, I think at 26 he should be expected to contribute financially to the household.
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KitsuneKamiSama@reddit
Honestly the best advice i can give is just to keep speaking to him, trying to help him and get him to want to change, there's nothing that's going to magically make him change now nor will medication suddenly improve him. Speak to him about reality, about how your mother is reacting, eventually stuff will shift if slowly.
I've been in a similar spot, hell i still am, but am slowly doing things to try to help myself even if i keep falling back, it's a slow process and not a linear one. Just keep chugging.
DayAlternative5842@reddit
The pandemic excuse worked in 2021. It is now 2026. He is nearly 30. At some point you have to stop explaining and start expecting. Depression is real. But so is his ability to book a GP appointment or open a job site. You cannot fix what he refuses to touch.
HabitualDrunkard1993@reddit
29 is nearly 30, 26 is still some way off
Jaded_Leg_46@reddit
A lot of people around your brother's age are experiencing the same sort of post covid apathy. A lot of their norms for their age were disrupted and they lost their footing, young people stopped making plans. Some people fared better than others but it's left a lot of young people with anhedonia. The persistent economic instability, the state of the job market and sucessive governments that are failing everyone doesn't help with that feeling of disconnect. Start off with something he's already interested in that might get him out of the house and socialising such as a gaming hub, if you have any friends who use them or they know someone who uses them try it that way so it's less intimidating.
Kiage1@reddit
I was in the exact place as him 3 years ago got my first job back September 2025
proxima-centauri-@reddit
Sure, there may be mental health issues at play here and he may need some help and support.
Equally plausible is that he is just lazy, figured out that he he happy with the UC and very low cost of living expenses (£100 for food, rent and bills). He is happy to spend his time sleeping during the day and gaming at night.
Not every issue is a mental health issue and its important to keep an open mind about it.
OP, only you should be able to tell what his issue is (mental health or laziness). If its the former, get him some help and support, if its the latter, dont subsidise his laziness. He needs to pay the full cost of his living expenses. Do what it takes for that.
Glittering-Knee9595@reddit
One approach you could take is to project forward on your brothers life like what will happen when your mum dies? What’s the housing situation?
By having an honest concert with your brother. Not try to change him in any way, but an honest conversation that just highlights the future he is building for himself.
Is be aware of the consequences, is he ok with that? Eg living there forever, just objective facts without judgment.
I almost guarantee that he will be giving himself a hard time internally about his life. So gently pointing out the future can help someone begin to make tiny changes.
If he himself askes how he can get out of the rut. I would start with physical health.
Get out in the daytime and have a short walk. Lift weights at home
Start there but these changes must come from him.
There may also be work for you as a family around radically accepting the situation without trying to change it. It sounds counter Intuitive, but often when we do this, things naturally evolve and change. It may be a slow process
WholeAccording8364@reddit
Switch off the internet. He is happy with his lifestyle and will continue whilst enablers help him. He is not too depressed to play video games.
Kaiisim@reddit
Yeah I see this a lot.
Your brother is depressed and you "helped" that depression with...a job listing?
Your solution for mental illness was to do what the job centre does?
Yeah that's not how it works, you just made it worse!
How about talking to him properly instead? Take him out?
HeavenBornAgony@reddit
You cant help him lets be honest. If he doesnt wanna change anything you cant help him.
Spanner1993@reddit
You can't force someone to mature. Sounds like youve tried all you can and its just not landing.
Focus your energy on his mental health though, that shit will eat you alive from the inside out, especially if you dont have a sense of purpose in your life.
ross-dirext-words137@reddit
Mental health and situations like this are not easy.
You need to talk to your brother and be there for them. Really they need to be the one that wants to get better.
First get into the GP and get the treatment for the depression. There are allot of medications some of the work some of the don't, it's all individual. The point of the medication is not to fix the issue but to allow your brother to work on the rough cause.
Effective he needs to get out more. Getting him council leisure center membership would be a good shout. There are normally discounts for people on benefits. Going swimming one a week, racket sports and gymn. These things will make a big difference.
At this point getting a job is probably not going to fix anything as he is probably incapable of keeping it at this point. Unless is coupled with life changes
He also really needs to focus on jobs that have quality of life. Wheelhouse are not good generally unless it's like a Tesco stock room position. What jobs we can sustainability keep long term will depend on him.
Essentialy he needs to touch grass and look at ways of finding joy in the world that are outside of gaming. Find a hobby or a job that he enjoys. It's not easy he is effectively being enabled by living at home. The key is small slow steps in the correct direction. For example take him with you to a hobbie you do together (football, badminton, tennis).
Front_Society1353@reddit
He needs to be thrown out and forced to fend for himself. Hes never gonna change if everything is done for him
Common-Spend5000@reddit
Realistically in this scenario that it more likely to exasperate rather than help the situation by now aged 26, and probably past that point about five years ago aged 20 or 21, when due to the pandemic it wouldn't have been practicable even if desirable at the time either.
Front_Society1353@reddit
Hes a grown man.... not a child. Babying him is not going to help anything
valkyrie8118@reddit
How is he doing in himself? He became an adult during/just before the pandemic - that was a hard time for the most resilient of us. Could he be depressed, anxious, have given up on himself a bit?
If you really want to help him, maybe start with finding out how he’s doing. We of course don’t have the whole story of how you have all supported him, or what he’s like, but it sounds like he needs someone to care about his mental and emotional wellbeing first before he’s in the headspace to find work and be productive.
In the end you can’t force help on a person until they are ready - see if you can get him to a point where he feels ready to see a future for himself.
AssociationGold8745@reddit
Just personally, seeing that the world is run by truly evil people doing awful things to other people including sex crimes against kids and bombing civilians has done a lot to fuel my 'whats the frigging point ' mentality.
0rachael0@reddit
my brother is the same… i’m leaving cos i can’t face it any longer tbh, everyone else in the family just allows it too
bewbz69420dudebro@reddit
Not being funny this is a lot of people at the moment. Job market is awful and the juice isn't worth the squeeze, people are shallow and vapid and the only 'fun' things to do in most of the UK are drinking. Be thankful he hasn't turned to substance abuse and maybe talk him into findinf a job programme in a better country. You can only motivate someone so much when you live in a place that is actively trying to squander their future. It sounds like he is just coping with the state of the world atm. I wouldn't force anyone to work in this current climate its soul destroying.
HelloReddit54321@reddit
Stop wasting your energy on trying to fix him. All it will do is drain you and it won't change him
bluecoldwhiskey@reddit
There is little you can do . Talk to him or to your mother to set boundaries.It is partially her fault for this.