Do you feel like your lack of conversation skills and/or anxiety can make you seem to look stuck up/arrogant?
Posted by Downtown-Nectarine49@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 28 comments
[removed]
rat1906@reddit
I have excellent conversational skills. It's my arrogance that makes me seem stuck up.
I will say that if I'm in a small social group and there's one person who isn't talking much (and don't display obviously nervous body language) then my personal assumption about them isn't that they're stuck up, it's that they just don't like me. And they may well have good reasons for not liking me (like my arrogance) so it doesn't offend me. In a larger group if someone isn't talking much then I don't really think about them at all. Or I might assume they're boring. I don't tend to think that someone is stuck up unless they say something stuck up, because I've encountered way more shy people, boring people and people that don't like me than I have stuck up people. And the arrogant/stuck up people I've met tend to be anything but quiet. They never shut the fuck up actually. But maybe that's just me.
random_username_96@reddit
Yes, 1000%. I've unfortunately had direct feedback on several occasions confirming that I'm difficult to read and that people have been "surprised at how nice I am" once they get to know me š
I have a moody resting face (and this is perceived worse when you're a woman) and can be quite quiet, serious, or give short responses when I'm uncomfortable, anxious, self-conscious, tired, etc.
It's VERY surprising how much people read into silence, and how often people percieve it as rude.
rainbow84uk@reddit
Exact same experience here. I'm interpreted as angry, sad, bored, aloof, disapproving...basically anything but what I'm actually feeling.
Ill-Opportunity8918@reddit
I come across as quiet or serious. People have said I'm ignorant because I don't stand and chat. But I can't small talk. I get flustered and stressed. I avoid conversation because I get anxiety and can't think fast when I need to talk with someone I don't know. I try and get by with minimum interaction. I've been quiet subdued though in recent years. It's like my spark has gone. I'm not excited by anything and find it hard to feign interest or excitement when talking to other people. I don't know what I can to about it though tbh. Maybe I can't do anything?
mynameisjodie@reddit
i just blurt out inappropriate things so i don't bother anymore so i constantly just look uninterested now and ignorant
Same_Grouness@reddit
I used to worry about doing that, but then I realised that I much preferred people who also did it, and now I don't bother holding myself back.
mynameisjodie@reddit
well i let it all out at work and then i had a meeting about beig unfriendly cant win really
Spanner1993@reddit
Whats sort of things would you blurt out? When im 100% comfortable with somebody I have Tourettes like vocal ticks and blurt out the most obscene shit.
Im just genuinely curious
mynameisjodie@reddit
just anything what dinner i had oh last week i blurted out that we bought a treadmill because we did and i was really excited about it. I think mine is social anxiety and undiagnosed autism
Spanner1993@reddit
Ah, we're not on the same level. I say genuinely horrendous, offensive things and make lots of random noises or repeat things I've heard throughout the day, like on the radio or TV.
I do a particular whistle over and over again without consciously registering im doing it until I hear my wife laughing from another room, then I realise im ticking and we have a giggle about it.
I mask it really well. If you met me, you would never know. But when im alone or at home the automatic reflex to suppress it isnt necessary and it all comes out.
Thrasy3@reddit
I remember one of the few jobs I had that had a sizable amount of men, was a construction company - my ex-manager was older ex-construction worker with the type of personality you might expect from from a guy doing construction work in the 80ās - and I just didnāt have the same type of humour so it was hard to keep up with him so to speak.
He really openly hated me early on, I think because of the way I speak etc it came across like I thought I looking down on him - then one day I said something completely innocuous to me, he just paused for a second and gave a big belly laugh and said āThrasy3, you know you remind me of that Travel Man bloke, youāre well funnyā and then I was his favourite until he left.
Eukonidor_Of_Arisia@reddit
No, the fact that I see 95% of humanity as stunted, spoiled, domesticated little consumer cockroaches achieves this effect quite nicely, before my communication skills ever come into question.
Same_Grouness@reddit
So you are stuck up and arrogant and proud of it. Fair enough I suppose.
fairlycaffeinated@reddit
š«Ŗ
Skylar_Diggins@reddit
Yup, felt exactly like this until I started ADHD medication now I'll chat to strangers and don't fear every single social interaction.Ā
probablymojito@reddit
Yes, I've had this for years. I try my best to be polite and friendly but I just generally am awkward and have a bit of an avoidant personality so the rare attempts I do make to engage with others fall flat most of the time. It seems to take people a while to realise I'm not an unsociable dickhead, I'm just on the spectrum LOL.
"My ability to think on the spot becomes clouded and my replies are often short and I forget to follow up during conversation or ask about them" - Heavily relate to this.
Cultural_Run7964@reddit
I hear you. I was labelled as antisocial by my parents when I was a kid because I spent more time with my books than other kids and itās taken me years to embrace it rather than fight against it. I recently moved to a new city in the U.K. and was invited to a few meet-ups with a friends of a friend but I was so awkward, Iāve vowed not to attend anymore. Iām better in very small groups or just one to one and will still to that. Donāt exhaust yourself trying to fit in a box you donāt belong in!
bow_lolly@reddit
My communication skills are absolutely terrible and I have very bad social anxiety due to it. They have progressively got worse since Covid as Iāve been WFH ever since and not forced daily to talk to anyone other than my husband. There are inbuilt factors that can make social skills worse (for me itās diagnosed ADHD and suspected autism), but ultimately I have struggled socially less during times of my life where Iāve been forced to chat to people daily (people facing jobs, being young and going out to pubs/clubs in my 20s etc). Also I donāt drink anymore so that doesnāt help, although ofc I never drank at work. Chatting is much easier with alcohol.
Anyway I can tell people think Iām stuck up. I particularly struggle with my in-laws, who are all so easy going and not at all self conscious like I am. My tip is to just keep asking them questions, keep them talking about themselves. My anxiety gets worse if I have to talk about myself and thatās when I start stammering/no eye contact/start rambling or just go silent. Have basic questions ready like āhow is work goingā, āhave you been on any holidays recentlyā or āhave you got any holidays bookedā. My other tip is to just do it more, have more conversations. I think itās the lack of asking questions that make people seem stuck up - I know itās hard in the moment though.
heliskinki@reddit
All of that basically. I got a dog, and force myself to chat to anyone who takes interest in the dog while on walks.
Aerosenin@reddit
I get dragged in for meetings sometimes because āI donāt seem my regular happy go lucky selfā ask anyone who knows me Iām miserable I just work in customer service and am good at it. If Iām not serving a customer Iām complaining about everyone else not cleaning non stop Iām that guy
bacon_cake@reddit
I think we all code switch depending on the situation.
I have work colleagues who probably think I'm firmly on the spectrum but quite frankly they're dogmatic, right-wing, types who are double my age and shit at their jobs. They'd be astonished to hear how people close to me would describe me because I'm nothing like that at work. I barely share anything.
Sea_Director_4439@reddit
100% it does. If you don't suffer from anxiety it's almost impossible to relate. It sucks
mynameisjodie@reddit
yes omg i hate this
Extreme-Banana-9@reddit
Yes I always think this
Opposite_Wash5664@reddit
Yes, unfortunately. But I'd like to think that people who know me for a while understand that I may be a bit rigid and distant, but I do have a sense of humour (albeit a dry one) and want the best for others. One thing I'll say is that some of the most apparently "easygoing", "nice" sociable people I've known/worked with have actually been malicious gossipers, status jockeys, etc, while some of the quietest and introverted have been the most helpful, selfless and kind. I personally don't go out of my way to be endorsed by any group or crowd, and although this at times means you risk being ostracized, overlooked or talked about, I really don't have the energy to care to be otherwise at this point. The people I genuinely get on with are people whose opinion I value, and who I would be genuinely shocked to learn they did/said something malicious towards me or another person, while the people I get on alright with are ones who I hold nothing against but wouldn't be surprised if I learned they had acted maliciously towards me in some way.
Spanner1993@reddit
I struggle to warm upto new people and it often comes across as standoffishness. Its social awkwardness rather than anxiety but I get it.
Thankfully Im naturally introverted so it doesn't really impact me too much.
Rubberfootman@reddit
I could tell my sister in law thought I was being stand offish, but Iām just quiet in a group situation.
AutoModerator@reddit
Please help keep AskUK welcoming!
When replying to submission/post please make genuine efforts to answer the question given. Please no jokes, judgements, etc. If a post is marked 'Serious Answers Only' you may receive a ban for violating this rule.
Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
This is a strictly no-politics subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.