ULPT: Lie about having kids to your coworkers and manager

Posted by polohatty@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 51 comments

If anyone from work asks if you have kids, always say yes even if you don't.

Maybe even offer a fake anecdote about your "toddler" every once in a while.

Why?

- more excuses to be late or leave early

- more acceptance and lenience from managers and coworkers who are also parents

- potentially less likely to be fired if the company thinks you have a family to feed (less likely since corporations don't give a fuck anyways, but you never know)

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curmudgeonly-fish@reddit

This only works for men. Women are treated worse and denied advancement opportunities if they have children.

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downstairs-mission@reddit

They will know from your health insurance

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Primary-Strawberry-5@reddit

Maybe they’re on the spouse’s insurance

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Sartorius73@reddit

I also remember someone say, when you start a new job, you once again have four living, but elderly grandparents, in poor health.

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5WattBulb@reddit

Im in my 40s it gets harder for that to be believable

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kevinh456@reddit

Now that my dad’s dead, there’s no way I could actually run this play anymore.

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My reply was somewhat of a joke, the reality is that i would never have pulled off this ploy with any family members because life is too precious to use a fake death for a day off. Im 45 now and currently I have no more grandparents only one parent, no aunts or uncles left. Being the oldest living male in my family at 45 is heartbreaking and im sorry for your loss as well.

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Keelback@reddit

Damn. My apology for saying that. I wish you the best.

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kevinh456@reddit

🫂 it's OK dude. You didn't know and i wrote from the heart. Thanks for being cool. Hug your loved ones tight while you can.

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5WattBulb@reddit

But we dont have as many of them lol

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Keelback@reddit

lol. Unfortunately. Just have to keep changing jobs after each time you ‘kill’ them off metaphysically.

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

Great tip if you don't ever plan on having more than a cordial relationship with your coworkers or a job that you're going to stay at for years.

Sorry but I have enough going on in my life that I don't need to stress out about the facade of having a child.

And if you're employer or coworkers figured it out, I can't imagine how awkward that would be. I wouldn't want to ne known as the weirdo that faked a family, just to get some time off.

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Additional_Release49@reddit

Wait you have more than a cordial relationship with your coworkers? Coworkers not friends is how I conduct myself. One person I work with actually knows things about me beyond the basics. Nobody else knows a damn thing about me. Coworkers not friends.

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polohatty@reddit (OP)

So you're saying...piss disk?

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Sartorius73@reddit

Yes. Always

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CountryBoyCanSurvive@reddit

Stolen Valor: children edition

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iliark@reddit

Also lie about smoking so you can just take a break every so often.

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ryfromoz@reddit

I did that a while back 😈

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PoopyMcFartButt@reddit

Until someone asks to see a picture of your kid. And it will happen eventually

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hanrahs@reddit

Just say some thing like "do you like looking at pictures of minors?" or similar

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PoopyMcFartButt@reddit

Yeah accuse your coworker of being a pedophile because they wanted to see a picture of your kid. See how well that works out I guess

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No_Flamingo9331@reddit

I work with a guy who won’t show pics of his kids to anyone, says he won’t do it until they’re old enough to give consent. Even when he had a new baby he didn’t send a pic to the team. Pretty weird, but I know for a fact he does have kids. So maybe that angle.

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erisuko@reddit

Just show them baby pics of yourself, then they'll gush at how alike you are

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onthe3rdlifealready@reddit

"I won't show you mine, if you won't show me yours." 😁

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asyouwish@reddit

Fake kid pic on the desk. Easy.

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robotopod@reddit

As sometime with a kid myself, I fully respect people I've met who didn't share pictures of their children without the kid's consent to do so, which means they really never have to.

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asyouwish@reddit

Also good.

And understandable.

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TecN9ne@reddit

Nah, that's weird. Id hittem with the noneya

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cure4boneitis@reddit

ChatGPT : add Macauly Culkin to this photo

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TryinToBeHappy@reddit

I use my niece all the time since my brother is a single father! I do actually help them often though

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Worth-Ad-7928@reddit

As someone with a toddler, this is great idea, but you'll eventually need to show photos. People will start to find it weird that you refuse to show them because parents are obsessed with showing photos of their kid.

You could generate photos with AI, but now you're just snowballing a lie.

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tom_yum@reddit

I also follow a religion that has a lot of official holidays. My spouse follows a different religion with a lot of other official holidays.

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Logical-Quarter-5892@reddit

Agree 👍

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Minimum_Task_467@reddit

I did this once, it became really hard to keep up with school events and all that because I was pretending so hard (think 6 employees). It definitely gave me lots of outs but I only think it’ll work in a bigger place with less intrusive coworkers

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Straight_String3293@reddit

Sorry, but youre counting on the company you work for giving a shit and not thinking kids are a liability. I've worked for companies that put the parents high on the layoff lists when things got bad because they knew parents did not have as much flexibility in their schedule.

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Troker61@reddit

If you can maintain that sort of casual long-term dishonesty I think the real goal should be getting into a field where you can work remotely and trying to hold down 2-3 (or more) jobs at the same time.

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asyouwish@reddit

r/overemployed

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Acceptable_Jamboree@reddit

Will fall apart once they ask what school, creche, after school club etc. they go to. You will have to either homeschooled this kid indoors for life or know where everyone's kid, godchild, niece or nephew is involved in.

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Electrical_Desk_3730@reddit

I kinda agree but keeping up lies are harder than ya think

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ConstantAggressive@reddit

I use my stepkid as an excuse a lot. I don't need to tell anyone she's 30.

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Althreea@reddit

I think OP is on to something. I work in a field (Massage Therapy) where we are supposed to be able to have flexibility in choosing our schedules and the amount of hours we want to work each week, but at my last job I was "mysteriously" given absolutely NO flexibility/choice, whereas the women with kids could work as much or as little as they want. No kids=free to be a work slave!

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