UK has been good to me, but I’m lonely, priced out, and miss home. Anyone else stuck?
Posted by Skye_Fra@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 64 comments
So, I’m Italian and I’ve been living in the UK for eight and a half years now.
Unfortunately, I still can’t figure out what to do with my life and I’m turning 39 this year. I live with my partner and our cat, a former stray who joined us here a few years ago.
Lately, I feel completely stuck between two worlds and would love to hear from anyone in a similar position.
What I love about the UK:
The System: Bureaucracy is fast and clear, generally speaking, I feel like there’s a real effort here to help citizens and make life smoother.
The job market is flexible and our work-life balance is actually quite good.
The People & Nature: People are very polite and affable and I love the green spaces and the general respect for nature.
Why thinking to leave:
Loneliness: Despite people being friendly, I’ve made zero real friends here (even among expats), only acquaintances. It’s incredibly isolating.
Housing & Environment: We are priced out of buying a home, stuck renting with NFH and dreaming of the countryside (pretty out of reach). Plus, I deeply miss the Mediterranean light and not a fan of the constant grey skies.
Aging Parents: Our parents are getting older in Italy and we miss them.
I deeply miss the idea of having a future in Italy, because I still consider it home (hopefully, maybe it’s just the memory of it?) but I’d say my partner handles this situation better than I do. If it was a better country, I would have gone back years ago.
I dream of moving back to the Italian countryside but I’m terrified. I’m scared of the toxic work culture, the broken economy and making a minor bureaucratic mistake that wipes out our tiny savings.
Ideally, the perfect solution would be to spend a few months a year here and a few months there, but that feels almost impossible.
Is anyone else living through a similar situation? Any advice or shared experiences would really help.
Thank you ☺️
Original_Musician161@reddit
The friendship thing in the UK is structural, not you — British adults rarely open new deep friendships past their mid-twenties. that's not a personal failure. the Italian countryside fear is real but "what if I make a mistake" paralysis is usually worse than the actual mistake. you've built a life from scratch once already.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Thanks for this! :)
Original_Musician161@reddit
good luck with it — the paralysis is usually the hardest part to move through.
ConceivedPotAuLait@reddit
Uk only makes sense if you are making good money. You are not. Leave if you wish
kyleh0@reddit
Capitalism does not support improving life.
CuriousLands@reddit
It's not capitalism though. All our countries have been capitalistic going back ages, and we used to do so well. Then it got commandeered by a mix of weird new ideologies, massive globalism, and *crony* capitalism. That mix is what created the mess we're all in.
kyleh0@reddit
Yeah, we should try for the perfect subtle nuance of "just enough capitalism to starve people who aren't me."
bfffca@reddit
Similar situation in another European country.
No interest in going back home to work for now, because I wouldn't be able to qualify for a full pension in the end anyway. So financially it would not work.
But the rest is the usual southern European experience in London, more or less.
If you don't make enough to buy a property or save significant money though, there is no point in slaving away under the grey sky. You can do that anywhere, so it's worth checking opportunities in other countries with better weather or quality of life.
ChipmunkRemarkable20@reddit
Agreed. I was going to suggest spending more time traveling back to Italy until I read the part on tiny savings. Without an overview of OP's financial / work situation, it still feel like grass could be greener (and less wet) elsewhere.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Maybe, but it’s not as easy as it looks.. I might not be saving loads but still saving. I have a very flexible job with lovely people, and this gives me a stability that is absolutely not taken for granted especially in Italy, unless you have a good degree or actually —-> someone who can recommend you! As meritocracy is down the drain.. Some of my friends in Italy struggle to make it to the end of the month, some still live with their parents because the job market and temporary contracts don’t give them the possibility to be independent. The few who own a house only do so because their parents had the possibility to buy it for them. Some others decided to move abroad, and others chose not to have kids because they wouldn’t be able to afford them, and so on. It’s not easy. That’s why I would love to split my time a few months a year, but I am not sure how to do it and am just wondering if someone has made it work, or has the same feelings and some advice to share :)
bfffca@reddit
Adults living with their parents is becoming more common in the UK as well. There is a reason flatshares have been popular for decades.
Cronyism too, it's clearly much easier to get a job via your friend than trying your luck. It's even more obvious now that the economy is going down. I mean look at the state of national and regional politics, and how important the social component is in the UK society too. It's a mates country.
ambergresian@reddit
Look into living outside London. I live in Scotland, remote, and have been at 3 jobs that pay London salary and it goes much further up north.
doberty@reddit
Come to Australia, at least the weather is gorgeous and food is great 😉
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Don’t tell me thissss!!!💔 We were there in 2012 and again in 2014 thanks to working holiday visas but weren’t able to find a sponsorship 😭😭 we left thinking we would have come back at some point but never happened…we both think of Downend every time ❤️🌏
CuriousLands@reddit
Haha, well it'd solve your weather problem, but not your housing affordability one, and it'd make your issues relating to distance from family about a hundred times worse :P
doberty@reddit
I just found this article - interesting https://citizenremote.com/blog/visa-free-living-and-working-in-europe-for-australians/
StillSpecial3643@reddit
A copy of England, minus the weather. Full of drugs and very over rated.
Reon88@reddit
I have quite similar situation, but swap UK for France and Italy for México.
Here I have quite better conditions for work, for infraestructure, for safety, a more robust economy and substantially more exposure for future career prospection. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut we are alone. It is me and my wife and one of my best friends who applied here as well to a job. He is probably going back to México next year , he could not endure the winters and the general snob attitude in Paris. So I will be "aloner".
Yet going back to México is hard to swallow; I do not want to revive the constant vigilance and fear of sudden gunfire happening in the wrong time at the wrong place. Me and my wife are convinced it is not sustainable to live like that back in México. My friend working here with me has a different opinion and prefers to pay that price (the unsafeness) for the sake of being with warmer people. Each to its own.
There is no perfect place; there is no magical solution, every choice implies rejection, each alternative bears consequences; there is no right answer nor wrong opinion. Immigration implies grieving.
My best advice would be to "trap" the ideas and feelings in paper. Write down in a journal your anguishes, your hopes, your successes, your failures, record your life until you feel no guilt nor regret about your choices. Take pictures of meals, places, moments, etc. Bind the fears, ideas and thoughts into material counterparts that you can touch, mesure and observe, in this way you will have a manner to compare your expectations with the reality.
Since you already migrated, you already bear a grief, an affliction, a sorrow. You can only move forward in order to grow around the grief, and overcome it thru progress.
You can do it OP, you are doing it great, this is just a minor setback.
CuriousLands@reddit
That's really good food for thought; thanks for commenting.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Thanks this is really sweet and reassuring to ear 😊 I wish you will find your dimension too
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
> work-life balance is good.
Yet what you are being paid is not enough to support a “life” part of “work-life” balance. It appears that you work less but you are paid “less” (you say you are priced out).
It also appears that the “life” part of your “work-life” balance is lacking in other ways in UK: bad weather, away from family.
It appears that you will have to work more in Italian, but will you be able to earn more to afford the life you want?
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
Honestly? Probably not and that’s the issue. It depends where is “home” for them, where their parents are (since she says they want to be near them). I can understand this problem. The salaries in Italy are low and the opportunists scarce. The government doesn’t really care about it. Probably they make decent money in London but they don’t have the “longevity” there that would allow them to afford a house. There is the feeling that “someday” and “we just save more, steadily,” but right now owning a home feels out of reach because the prices went up so much. But the home prices in Italy are crazy high too, and even more out of reach for Italian salaries.
Defiant-Dare1223@reddit
I can't imagine how bad Italian bureaucracy must be if you consider uk bureaucracy "fast and clear".
I'm still waiting for hmrc to action something that should take 5 minutes after sending a physical letter last summer (naturally, no Internet option and if you ring up you wait for an hour then get robbed off).
octipuss@reddit
Governmenatal services accessibility is amongst the best im the world in the UK. Far from ideal but one of the most optimized one, if not the most.
Take passport or driving licence for example, in most countries you'd need to visit physical outlets, to renew them, sometimes more than once....in UK is done online in 5 mins. Hassle free
Imperterritus0907@reddit
I’m more or less in the same boat, but from Spain. I don’t miss my family that much to return (long story..) but I do miss the broader culture, especially how much more we value company and connection and not just getting pissed.
I wish I could give you some advice because I need some myself too lol. But if you eventually decide to return, wait until you’ve been working at least 10 solid years in the UK. It’s the qualifying time for minimum pension, otherwise you’ll lose all your contributions to date.
octipuss@reddit
If you really think state pension will exist in 30-40 years from now, you are delusional.
timtomhelhol@reddit
Have a deep look into this, working in eu countries can actually count towards the 10 years pension in the UK, depends on the country (you would still get a penaion proportional to the years spent in the UK but it's not all or nothing)
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Thanks I did not know this :)
Funny_Expression_840@reddit
The loneliness you're describing in the UK is so common and so rarely talked about honestly. British friendliness is real but it rarely converts into actual friendship and that gap is genuinely hard to live with long term. You're not missing something obvious that everyone else figured out
ambergresian@reddit
I don't mean to come across as invalidating... but I just don't get it. I have a great number of close friends now having moved here under 4 years ago.
I'm really curious about what region people saying this are in.
When I moved here, making friendships was something I put into the same priority as my job and finding a property to live in.
I'm close friends with locals and immigrants who intend to stay. If I had more time, I'd have opportunity to expand my circle even more. It's really just me that's the limiting factor, not options around me.
Sure some friend groups might be closed off, but I find that I've been able to find people through various opportunities (Bumble BFF and discord when I first arrived, work with game nights and pub quizzes that continue years later after everyone has left, friends through my partner or through friend's partner's or partner's friend's partners, neighbours).
I just haven't experienced this in the UK is all.
letitrollpanda@reddit
It’s not easy - I’m nearly 8 years in the UK and relate well. I am an extrovert and have always made friends easily. But I struggle here much more than anywhere else. I’ve made some real friendships since, and then they moved away or the friendship fizzled out. Then it’s like starting over again, and it’s getting to a point where I am just starting to accept that I am going to be lonely while living here. Not having family close also plays a part.
MaleficentAnalysis27@reddit
I'm the same. 8 years and a half here and all my friends are british. I think maybe I was lucky? First job I had was with a big group of people and made some good friends there I still have. I was late twenties and still going out regularly which is a way to become closer to people I think, at least in this country! Then I met my partner (brit) and his friends took me in and are lovely people as well. Three years ago I had my first child which is an easy way to meet people and make more friends. I also live in a small town and you bump into the same people often in events/pub/socials which makes it easier to build up relationships even if these people are not close friends. I do understand if you maybe move to the new country with your partner already and then work from home or somewhere with a small team, different age/interests has to be harder...
MountainBird8456@reddit
Same everything but I’m in Germany. I ask myself this question every single day….I don’t have any advice. It’s HARD! You gave up everything and started from -10 and now you’re stuck in two worlds living like two lives that don’t have anything in common. You know going back won’t solve it, you’ve been away for too long…but remaining is also unthinkable…it doesn’t feel like home. Reading through the comments, we’ve pretty much been the first (on a generational level) to study, to go abroad, to leave everything behind and now we find ourselves in this heartbreaking situation no one at home can understand….Un abbraccio
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
❤️
franklyfierce@reddit
Same here. Im German living in the UK. I love the social warmth, the landscape, my job and easier Bureaucracy. However, I didn't make any friends here and I can feel myself becoming smaller and lonelier. I've tried to build connections so many times and in so many different ways and it never worked out. At this point, I feel like giving up because I feel like I'm forcing something that's clearly not meant to be.
travellingsandman@reddit
I would gladly be your friend? Im a lonely brit.
Reasonable-Ease9554@reddit
Question is it that hard to make friends? We are moving to Richmond, close to the German school so kiddo can continue German schooling. I don’t need a ton of friends though, my hubby is my bf lol but maybe making one or two friends, maybe even Germans would be nice. I’m German he is Sri Lankan if that matters. Like so it as hard as making them in Germany? Right now in the US and it’s beyond easy here in Virginia.
franklyfierce@reddit
It might not be as hard for you as it is for me for several reasons. For example, I live in a less densely populated area which is naturally harder to make friends in. I also find it much more harder in the UK because British people are so friendly and won't say directly "I'm not interested" which I struggle with being German. British people are much more subtle and might say "yes, let's meet some time". Took me ages to figure out that they don't want to meet you at all then!
Reasonable-Ease9554@reddit
Ja das war für mich auch erst schwer in den Staaten aber auch ganz froh drum muss ich mich mit niemanden treffen aber kann trotzdem nett sein. Haha
ambergresian@reddit
I haven't had difficulty making friends in the UK where I am personally.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Exactly!
Grzybek36@reddit
If you both can get decent jobs back in Italy, you should probably move back. I was in the same boat and decided to move.
VdeKaldor@reddit
Similar situation here but difficult to say if the root of the problem is being a expat or just middle age crisis...
I don't think my lonelines would be a lot different in my home country if I still have to work long hours and loom after my children.
Ok-Entrepreneur9650@reddit
Similar situation. Despite working my ass off, still couldn’t afford a decent 1 bedroom, only a studio. Decided to quit, visit my family, and look for a job back home that would allow to own a property and not rent.
Lucky_Session6818@reddit
We are experiencing the same exact thing but in the Netherlands. I'm your age also. Returning to Italy, we have all the same questions/concerns. The tradeoffs are similar here also... i wish i had some advice to share!
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Thanks for your comment. I find it harder sometimes and a little easier at others, but that thought never really goes away…
jasutherland@reddit
If your job allows remote working some of the time, perhaps you could spend a bit of time working from Italy? I have an Italian coworker who does exactly that: mostly office based in Scotland, but particularly around holidays like Christmas he works from Italy for a few weeks rather than use up all his holiday time. I don’t know the details but presumably under a certain number of days each year doesn’t count as “working in Italy” for tax/legal purposes.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
Yeah I should try and find something remote..it’s probably not easy and very competitive but I still have to give it a try!
00sunset00@reddit
Originally from Croatia and the pull is real. I miss the weather, the people, the safety. I genuinely love London and everything it offers, but on a well above average income we still can't realistically get on the property ladder here. Haven't been in the system long enough, and even if we could the taxes and upkeep just don't add up long term.
People are really nice but there is so much social performance. I miss authenticity and the genuine community. Seriously thinking about moving back!!!
cshy85@reddit
Go home bro. The UK is going down the toilet.
AfrolessNinja@reddit
Yea I’m in the UK, but American. Clearly not going back , but I’m not sure where else might be better?
gaifogel@reddit
Why did you not make friends in almost 9 years? Do you live in a big city or small town? If I had to guess, no offense, but it's not the culture, unless you live in the middle of nowhere. Fellow expats are the easiest to make friends with as they also are lonely and new.
Skye_Fra@reddit (OP)
I live in a big city and I did make some friends with expats here but eventually realised that I am not cut for the life they do. I don’t do drugs (apart the occasional puff) and I’ve outgrown the need to drink and party every night plus we only bonded out of loneliness. Our values and ways of looking at life are just too different, not the same vibes to cut it short! The only couple of friends we had here moved to Spain. Honestly, I found English people being very sweet, but it seems like nobody wants to build a deeper connection. You meet them at the pub and they become your best mates for the evening, but the next day they barely acknowledge you. At least on my experience.
gaifogel@reddit
Alright I understand. However, come on ;) there's so many people that don't drink or party or do drugs at all, let alone every day as you said. There's groups for hiking, art, live music, Latin dances, yoga, language exchanges, philosophy etc. in big cities. I moved back to the UK, to Bristol, 6 months ago, and I'm trying to make friends and Im meeting people at exactly those activities above plus at my work. I'm not English myself. I meet so many people that don't drink or do drugs. I do agree that English people are fairly cold and reserved. They are polite and conversational, but hard to get beyond that. Have you used meet up?
I know people that don't have any friends who think that the issue is where they are, that once they move they'll make friends. I don't know you, but I'd wager that your communication skills are not up to scratch or you don't put yourself in social activities. I'd take a hard look at my self. 9 years and no friends!
I apologise if I sound like a judgemental critical dick, but that's my two cents, having moved around the world a lot and made friends in many places and have seen how others have done. I have moved to Guatemala, UK, Colombia, Kenya, Rwanda, Tanzania etc. I've seen how people make friends and I've seen those that didn't.
Virtual_Arachnid7916@reddit
Similar here. I am 40 and French. I arrived here in 2009 for my master degree and stayed to build a career. I have had this feeling for a few years now that I miss my home country and pretty much I am done with the uk. Now I had a baby (doing solo parenting) and this is even more of a reason to move back home. My parents are also getting older (both 64 years old) and have a good twenty years left if lucky
Main challenges are :
1. I have built a great career here. Although I do hate my current company at times (big corporate!) my current job comes with gold handcuffs (great salary, > 100k; 20k bonuses; company shares; private health insurance). Also in France there won’t be some many job opportunities in my field and very limited will allow me to work from home (which I will need to do for point 3 below).
2. I have decided to have a baby alone (as a famous French song says); no partner to co parent so I have limited if zero back up for nusery pick ups or if I get sick etc
3. I also dream of the countryside ( I grew up in the country side) and getting a dog and maybe some hens. Difficult to live in the countryside here when you are a foreigner as most of my friends are and will always be other international expats (a lot of Italians in fact!)
kirmiziio@reddit
That was a terrible and extremely selfish decision to have a kid alone. I am curious about what happens when the kid is old enough and learns about that.
AppointmentTricky879@reddit
I m in the same boat ,here by myself (which don't get me wrong it was my choice ) and on skilled worker visa
Cannot change jobs or change location in the uk and I m yet to see what the decision on my son s dependent visa will be ...
Feels incredibly lonely at times and not sure how long I can keep going ...
ellytic@reddit
It sounds like you’re really navigating a tough spot between two worlds, and it’s completely understandable to feel that way. Many expats find themselves in similar situations, especially when it comes to missing home and dealing with the challenges of a new environment.
Here are a few thoughts that might help you as you consider your options:
If you’re considering moving to Greece as a Mediterranean option, know that the process involves some bureaucracy, especially with things like tax registration (AFM) and certified translations if you're dealing with documents.
Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with AFM registration and certified translations. If you have any questions about these processes or need guidance, feel free to ask! Wishing you the best on your journey, wherever it may lead.
alexnapierholland@reddit
Nothing will transform your economic situation quite like remote work.
Especially if you can get a US employer/clients.
Not saying, 'It's easy' — but it's always possible.
RoundAd4247@reddit
OP is ITALIAN ie an EU citizen. And this subreddit is not r/USdefaultism nor r/amerexit, so I don’t under why you go on about remote American clients and digital nomad visas that dont apply to OP.
Lucky_Particular310@reddit
Fair point, the advice should really stay grounded in OP’s actual situation instead of assuming a U.S.-centric or remote-work context that doesn’t apply.
alexnapierholland@reddit
You can get American clients anywhere on earth.
The point is they (famously) pay vastly higher salaries and freelance fees than anyone in Europe.
You're right, they don't need the digital nomad visa.
But they may still be eligible for the 'Beckham Law' and 24% flat tax.
RoundAd4247@reddit
OP, I sympathise with your situation, I have had friends who lived in the UK from their early 20s onwards have to return home after getting priced out and not having proper “careers” despite university education and working all these years in previously lucrative (creative) industries. (Including my current partner who loved the UK of our youth and had definitely sworn off ever moving back home.) I’ve only lived a short time in the UK when young, and it does feel a much harder society than back in that heyday when I go visit.
I do warmly recommend reading the newish novel by Vincenzo Latronico about this very issue, Perfection. If only to see you’re not alone in being priced out of the “European nomad dream”, where people from our generation could survive and even thrive or at least build a life in the cultural hubs of the EU without super serious careers and massive wages. In the novel it’s Berlin, but it applies to London, Manchester etc as well, the latter with added immigration formalities after brexit.
Legal-Drawing4998@reddit
Same situation here.. I am greek and when summer is close this feeling gets even worse.. as you said it stuck between 2 worlds/places