Parents of school aged children, how often do you contact the school, and do you care if the school marks you down as a whinging willy?
Posted by Miss_Type@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 383 comments
I'm a teacher in a secondary school. I teach over 500 students at any one time. I don't hear a peep from the vast majority of parents, including not seeing them for parents evening. Then there's a few parents that do email when there's something we need to be in contact about. And then there's the one who emails or phones **all the time**. And it's always a question they've already had the answer to, or a complaint about something we should have done differently/better. I'm interested if *that* parent knows they get in touch more than anyone else, and cares about whether or not the staff have them on their radar as a moaning minnie/mickey?
JuanitaMerkin@reddit
Recovering educator here.
Being seen as a “problem parent” who unnecessarily phones and emails to complain at the drop of a hat will have a negative impact on your child. This isn’t though malice but through the way of the world.
For example: if the lead role for the school play is between Kid A and Kid B, that performing arts lead will most likely cast the kid with the pleasant parent over the one who will make their life a living hell for the next 3 months. The job is stressful enough.
cateml@reddit
I think you’re right, but worth saying that the vast majority of teachers (can’t account for everyone) wouldn’t “take out” their dislike for a problem parent on their child, in a more day to day sense.
Trips, plays, sports teams - aka things that would involve more contact with said parent, yeah fair point.
But I don’t think teachers (and I certainly don’t, as a teacher) are going to approach their relationship with a child/student like “I hate your mum, so I’m going to be rude and unhelpful to you are a proxy for her”. If anything I feel bad for the kid that their mum is exhausting.
That said, I can see how if a parent is particularly keen to “advocate at every turn” (complain constantly), it could damage the relationship with the teacher who now feels like they need walk on egg shells in all interactions with that child.
Or more obviously if the parent primes their child to see interactions with authority figures as a battle to be won against someone eager to screw you over. (Unfortunately those parent approaches seem to be increasingly common…).
In particular in terms of the students social and behavioral situation. But also thinking of some particular instances (with an older students), it can also lead to mindsets which aren’t going to be very unhelpful to actual academic progress and achievement.
Because students can then rationalize away underachievement as reflecting on the teacher/school, rather than their own actions (ie. Good grade? That’s their own intelligence/hard work. Bad grade? That’s because Miss is rubbish and lesson and this school must be bad - not because they didnt do sufficient, or the right kind of, independent work).
Which I imagine feels nicer, but also tends to lead to underachievement in terms of qualification grades.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
Tbh I think it’s harsh that these guys just admitted to treating a student different because of their douche parents. I’m also an ex teacher and this horrifies me.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
I don't treat the child differently. The child is not their parent. However, when I am deciding which 50 kids get to be in the school play, which I do on my own time and am not paid for, I definitely take into account if I have the bandwidth to deal with the parent. I am not mean to the student, I do not say or do anything to them that is different to anyone else, but I am going to choose that I don't have to deal with their parent any more than normal every week for 4 months. I would not do this for trips or extra curricular clubs during the school day, but the play rehearsals take place in my own time, and I'm already giving up plenty of it.
On_The_Blindside@reddit
I dunno, it may be the reality but that seems so unfair on the child that hasn't done anything wrong.
mettyc@reddit
It is unfair on the child. But it isn't the teacher's responsibility to make up for the issues that their parent causes, nor to subject themselves to what is borderline harassment for the child.
On_The_Blindside@reddit
However it is their responsibility to be fair to the children under your care, and if you're unable to separate that out for the good of the kids you're there to educate them you need to do better.
mettyc@reddit
I'm pretty certain that OP was clear that they make no distinctions when it comes to the child's education. The distinction is made when it comes to extra-curricular activities for which OP is sacrificing their free time to run. Would you rather OP doesn't run these extra-curricular activities, because that's the alternative if it becomes too mentally taxing.
On_The_Blindside@reddit
Extra-curricular activities are part of education. They're not something separate.
mettyc@reddit
I think you would end up with very few extra-curricular activities being run if they can only be run by perfectly objective beings.
Prestigious-Brain870@reddit
While I can see your position that seems unfair for the child.
AuroraDF@reddit
It is unfair for the child. And it is their parent's fault.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Yeah I'm not disagreeing with you.
Sea_Influence7197@reddit
I know. I'm reading this and I'm absolutely gutted that teachers are admitting to doing this. Where is the empathy for the kids?
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
It’s shocking how many people have no issue with it and downvote the disagreers! So sad.
Sea_Influence7197@reddit
It's incredibly sad and worrying.
cateml@reddit
I… definitely see where you’re coming from.
I can honestly say that I haven’t had a situation where I have made that kind of call (eg. Matt gets the lead role because Chris’s parents would be constantly hassling about it). I’d hope that a good and professional teacher in that instance would recognize that the needs of the student to have the educational experience they should have regardles of their parents, and put that consideration to the side.
But I also want to be charitable, because I can see how in the incredibly over-stretched and under-resourced day to day job of a teacher, these things could come into play. Especially if we’re talking somewhat subconscious influences on these choices.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I understand too. Problem is, people forget very easily how school affects some children for the rest of their life. I agree, teachers get a crap time of it. But you know that going in to the job. It’s not a surprise. Treat them all the same or get a new job.
Away-Ad4393@reddit
I’m appalled. That’s so unprofessional ( I haven’t got kids in school btw)
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
Agreed. That child would clearly be having a hard time at home one way or another, so let’s punish em some more!
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
As the teacher in charge of the school play, this is definitely part of my decision making process. Sad but true! I've got enough on my plate without having to spend time and mental energy on that parent every week!
DazzleBMoney@reddit
It may be true but any teacher that lets this affect their professional relationship with a student should perhaps rethink their career choice. It’s in now way the pupils fault, and is likely to negatively affect that child’s personal sense of self esteem, all because of something that’s entirely outside of their control.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
That student would have absolutely no idea how I felt about their parent. I would treat them no differently in lessons or lunchtime clubs. However, the school play takes place in my own time and I don't get paid any extra for doing it. It's hours of my time, for months. I don't have the capacity to deal with problem parents on top of that.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
So its ok to treat the kid differently and not give them a fair chance at things when its "on your own time", (for doing something you chose to do btw), when is and isnt your own time? Because you get paid 12 months a year whilst working 190 days a year.
You understand thats preferential treatment right?
golglongy@reddit
Get paid 12 months of the year but obly the amount due for every day worked. Its just split evenly over 12 months so we actually get a paycheck in August
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
No matter how you word it, teachers on m4 scale (3-4 years after starting out) are getting paid 40k a year to do 190 days of work. I used m4 because its easily achieved and above the uk average salary.
So yes, you are paid 12 months a year after only working 190 days. And earning more than the average person
golglongy@reddit
Im support staff on just over 31k, but because I'm term time only I get paid just over 27k annually split into 12 equal payments after NI, tax, etc.
I don't get paid for any days not worked and neither do teachers. They may be on "40k" but it is pro rata'd and that 40k doesnt actually hit their accounts unless they work full time full year.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
Thats incorrect. A TEACHER is not pro rata if they are a 5 day a week teacher
https://www.reddit.com/r/TeachingUK/s/PPtrzLJFVB
Support/TA may be different but a teacher is paid a salary and that salary banding is paid over 12 months a year.
Why are so many people getting this wrong?!? The band i mention is paid 40k a year, for working a maximum of 195 days a year.
golglongy@reddit
I /work/ with teachers that are /absolutley/ pro rata'd. I see the job listings that come out that mention being pro rata'd.
We may only be on site for 39 weeks a year but we also only get paid for that. All lesson planning, marking, etc is done on your own time unless you have free periods during the day which very very very few teachers (in my personal experience) do.
softbrownsugar@reddit
And i do schools payroll, the only time teachers are prorated is when they're doing less than the 32.5 hours a week during term time. Is it possible you've misunderstood? Im pretty sure schools are not allowed to pay teachers term time only
golglongy@reddit
I have not misunderstood, it says so right on my payslip as well as teachers who I've discissed pay with
softbrownsugar@reddit
Do you work for an academy? If not then you've definitely misunderstood. If you do then there's a high chance you've misunderstood. Or I and hundreds of other people are doing schools payroll incorrectly and thats really concerning.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
Its quite scary that people who are teachers are presented with actual facts will dismiss them like you are being dismissed, or how I've been dismissed when pointing out hard facts, with experience/goverment website proving them to be incorrect.
Like, everyone keeps telling me I should be a teacher cause I obviously know nothing about teaching, when I recruit teachers for a living. I know how much they are being given paid, I know how much time they get off, it pays my bills getting them jobs.
But I'm wrong, and so are you, you know, they person that presses send on their salary /facepalm
softbrownsugar@reddit
Its disturbing honestly, I dont think that person even understands their own pay either because it sounds like they think they only get paid for 39 weeks.
OkConsideration5272@reddit
They often work 12 hours on those 195 days. My friend who used to be a TA said that per hour worked she was just about paid more than them.
softbrownsugar@reddit
Thats not correct, teachers are not prorated the same way support staff are. Teachers pay policies are different from support staff, even their sickness and maternity policies are different.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
We're having a recruitment and retention problem at the moment, so please consider training to teach. You only work 195 days a year (you missed off INSET days) and only work 6 hours a day!
You just need a relevant degree, and it's got to be a 2:1 or above. Then a year to get your QTS. Then two years as an ECT, which is like probation, you can pass everything else but if you fail your ECT you can't teach. So, what's that, six years training? Yeah, six years to completely qualify to teach. Also have to have a squeaky clean criminal record, obviously. You'll start on £30k.
But there's great perks, like 13 weeks holiday a year! You probably can't afford to go abroad for a bit though, because it's so much more expensive is school holidays. But at least you're only working 6 hours a day for 195 days. And either working with young children, teenagers, or young people with additional needs.
Personally, I think it's the best job in the world, but apparently thousands of my colleagues each year don't agree and quit in their droves. Don't know why, since it's only 195 days a year.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
Its 190 plus inset days, so no more than 195. I hope you are not a math teacher.
You mean its the same price every one with kids of school age pay for holidays right? Only teachers get paid more than 50% of people in the UK so can afford it... but let's not talk facts.
mettyc@reddit
If you think teaching is such a cushy job, why don't you do it?
diamondteach@reddit
I’m not disagreeing with you and as an ex-teacher myself (albeit primary) definitely agree that children shouldn’t get different opportunities based on how nice their parents are, but I just want to correct the assumption of being paid for 12 months of the year. Teachers get paid in each of the 12 months of the year, but this is pro-rated from the days worked plus 4 weeks holiday. So teachers actually have 9 weeks of the year unpaid, which admittedly is time that isn’t actively in the classroom with the children. But I get paid for more time now in my 9-5 office job than I did as a teacher. Yet including all the admin, planning, marking and classroom set up, I worked an awful lot more as a teacher than I do now. Teachers also typically get paid for the hours the children are in school plus maybe half an hour. I was paid for 8:15-3:45, I was physically at work from 7-6:30. I’d then often be working on my laptop after I’d had dinner too which often flowed into weekends. Holidays were spent catching up or getting the classroom ready for the next term. I appreciate this isn’t everyone’s experience but just wanted to point out that teachers work a lot more than their contracted hours without the pay to cover that.
But on the actual point, I always tried to focus on the child when they’re in front of me and worry about the parents outside of that time. If I had problem parents, I always tried to disassociate them from their child so as to ensure no children were treated differently. You can’t choose who your parents are so it shouldn’t affect you
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
No matter how you word it, a band 4 teachers salary is above the UK average full time worker salary AND is only working 190 days a year to earn that 40k salary. So to have the audacity to say "on my own time" when OP is doing a club, that OP would have volunteered for is utterly BS, op is treating a child differently and offering less opportunities to that child because of their parents... And no matter how you word it, its bullshit and borderline bullying.
softbrownsugar@reddit
Their 190 days is still very restrictive and makes their lives more expensive. They cant take any annual leave other than during the school holidays.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
You mean like everyone else who has children at school right?
softbrownsugar@reddit
Yeah i guess but its still quite restrictive. People with kids can still take annual leave and go abroad without their kids if they needed to for whatever reason or relax midweek and do nothing or treat themselves to a long weekend or just take a day off and go somewhere while the kids are at school. It definitely has its perks too!
JustHaveABeer@reddit
Teachers should earn more than the average salary, teaching is hard.
There’s no way most teachers can get away with only working 190 days a year. You’ll find that most of them spend time marking and lesson planning over evenings and weekends and in holidays, particularly those who teach essay subjects - multiple classes of 30 kids submitting an essay or two a week in scrawled handwriting takes what, 5 mins each? It soon adds up to A LOT.
Plus pastoral issues, revision classes, break duties, residential school trips, prepping for Ofsted etc.
Add on to this the fact that most schools have Teams now, so students have basically “always on” access - there are far easier ways to make £40k.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
Working in a prison is a damn sight harder and more dangerous and can only earn up to an m5 salary banding (4-5 years of teaching) thats working unsociable hours too.
There are PLENTY of jobs HARDER than a teachers job. And teachers only have to work 190 days.
Stop just blindly listening to what someome told you and actually look into the facts of the matter.
They also have free lessons for marking these essays you speak of.
Their day is also considerably shorter than the average working person, whilst working 50 days less a year than the average Joe.
Stop telling me how hard done to a teacher is when you have people doing far more dangerous or harder jobs than a teachers does, for less money, under worst working conditions.
Puzzleheaded-Fig6418@reddit
Wow you seem excessively angry at teachers. I’m an ex teacher and I can categorically tell you my day was not shorter than the average working day unless you think most people work from 7:30/8am until at least 7pm most days plus a few hours on a weekend.
Most teachers also work through the holidays whether that’s setting up their classroom doing their boards, restocking supplies etc. or lesson planning or marking books or tailoring your plans for those children who aren’t understanding/have SEN etc.
If it’s such an easy job for the pay, feel free to qualify as a teacher!
Different-Yellow-308@reddit
Chalk and cheese.
Im a teacher. I got into it in my 30s.
Most jobs are fairly well paced. Moments to breath, think, speak to a colleague, to grab a brew to power you through. Not teaching. Teaching is intense, always several things going off at once, non-stop all day. Breaks and lunches are a rare treat in reality (sadly) can be quite a small part of the role. Lots of admin, planning, marking, meetings, extra curriculars etc. Then there is Behaviour! Oh and the questions, often not related to the lesson (on average 500 questions a day compacted to 25 for other jobs). I'll be bombarded with questions whilst just walking to the loo 😂 Teaching, It can be really fun. I work with 11 to 18 year olds so it's lots of different types of interactions. You get to see people grow and become realised and you get to be a part of it, making people kind, good etc. I've choked up saying goodbye to some. You are a mentor and you really care for them. It's a privilege.
I don't have an opinion on your job. I have very little context for it. The problem often with teaching is, everyone went to school. So they feel they have a good understanding of the job and therefore are somehow informed. And in reality, they aren't, far from it.
It's not easy to become a teacher. It's a degree for one. And then teacher training, which is grueling. If you ever want humbling, try teacher training. It's a rollercoaster where you are criticised day in day out (often harshly) to be better, even if you did pretty great (which is basically what teaching is). It's a thankless role sadly.
People love to beat down on teachers. Theyre work shy moaners etc. To those people, simply, show us how it's done. Don't share half-baked ideas about the job or it's staff. Get the degree, get the teaching qualification and get in the classroom. Show us how it's done. Until then, your opinion on something, where you only reference is childhood memories and Waterloo road, your opinion means diddly-squat.
And to those jealous of the pay and holidays. They're crying out for teachers. Become a teacher. And when you realise it's tough and your thinking of packing it in. I'll be there to support you through it.
Owl76012@reddit
Become a teacher then and you too can earn that for only working 190 days
No_Tour_1030@reddit
I love that you're not listening at all. Teachers are paid for 190 days. They work significantly more than that. In my case I only had 1 free period a week on teaching days. I worked 10-12 hour days mon-fri and at least a couple of hours each day sat-sun. I had a total of 12 days off in my final year of teaching, 10 days in the summer, plus Christmas eve and Christmas day. I worked every other day, including all half terms and summer/easter/Christmas, almost all a full working day, despite not being paid for them. We had a saying at the school: 'part time is full time, full time is your life'.
In my current corporate non teaching role I work 9-5:30 and can leave work at work and never work on the weekend. I get 33 days holiday, and take them whenever I want outside of bank holidays. I don't work evenings or weekends and get paid more. It's vastly, vastly easier.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
So i guess all these teachers on this teachingUK sub as well as all the pay guidelines including the NEU are incorrect but you are correct?
https://www.reddit.com/r/TeachingUK/s/PPtrzLJFVB
https://neu.org.uk/advice/your-rights-work/pay-advice/teachers-pay-and-allowances/teacher-pay-structure
PART TIME teachers are paid pro rata, a teacher in the band i mentioned is earning 40k a year, not 40k pro rata'd down to 195 days, they are paid 40k.
No_Tour_1030@reddit
I'm not disagreeing with you on the pay point. You get paid every month just like you do in a regular job and £40kpa is £40k. But in your contract it states the hours and weeks you work, mine was 8:30-3 during term time, with 40 minutes unpaid for lunch. So hourly rate for actual contracted hours is high in comparison to some industries, but the actual hours worked mean it's not worth it and the hourly rate ends up being low.
You seem to be still believing that teachers only work 6-7 hours a day, 190 days a year. You've been told multiple times at this point that's not true so I won't argue the point but I will say one of the reasons I got so fatigued with it was all this extra effort and work for (at the time) £30k and I had people in my real life belittling my job and telling me I swan out of the classroom at 3 and get weeks and weeks off, I couldn't possibly be tired, why was I complaining? It gets old hearing stuff like this all the time from people unwilling to listen.
Clear_Farmer5941@reddit
Why is there a retention and recruitment crisis then? Why don’t you do it? Only working just over half the year for a lot of money sounds very nice and easy.
JustHaveABeer@reddit
I’m not blindly listening to what people tell me - not sure why you’d assume I am. I’m not a teacher though.
The prison guard one is a weird comparison - no idea what they make but they don’t require a degree, get paid overtime, and the job is done when they check out. You could just as easily say soldier or police officer, but neither have anything to do with a teacher’s salary.
Free periods tend to be very limited (perhaps 3 a week) and are frequently taken away to cover other teachers.
Sounds like you just have a weird chip on your shoulder about teachers.
BrotherClive@reddit
Lol get a grip. If you're a dik, you're going to get treated differently. If that different treatment is that your kid loses out, that's the way of the world. Is it ideal? No. But it's a fact of life.
To be fair it probably only balances out the unfair treatment the other way, that a kid with a pushy/moany parent is likely to receive with people overcompensating and just doing a little extra to make them shut up
Different-Yellow-308@reddit
You should get into teaching. Run the play. Prove everyone wrong x
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Love this. Even other teachers think running the play is a thankless task that takes up hours of your time, and it's hard enough to find people to volunteer to chaperone one performance, or help out with the teas and coffees, never mind take the whole thing on :D
glitterswirl@reddit
Yep. I don't think a lot of people appreciate just how much of their own time and effort teachers give up, unpaid, to give kids extra-curricular opportunities.
Especially when in so many other jobs, the prevailing attitude is "eff this, I'm not paid to do xyz. I clock out right on time". So many people on Reddit say never to do anything for your employer unpaid... apparently not appreciating that if nobody volunteered their time, there would be far fewer opportunities for people to partake in activities like school plays.
Asher-D@reddit
The fact that it's on your own time is terrible. I really wish teachers were compensated for this, you should be if it's outside of school hours that you're having to use.
DazzleBMoney@reddit
I’m not saying you would personally, but you did admit that that this happens in schools
KaijuicyWizard@reddit
Where did they admit this? I think I’ve missed that
DazzleBMoney@reddit
“This is definitely part of my decision making process” “sad but true”
Either I’m misinterpreting something or to me that seems like an acknowledgment of this sort of bias existing amongst some staff in schools
KaijuicyWizard@reddit
They clarified that they didn’t treat the pupil differently and gave further detail, which you yourself accepted within this very thread.
DazzleBMoney@reddit
There’s a bit of contradiction coming from OP here to be fair, as they say one thing in their earlier comment, and then say something else in the next. Yet you seem to want to blame me for pointing this out?
SmashtheBaddie@reddit
Love the fact that you are embodying the whiny attitude and giving such wonderful examples of why teachers would want to avoid coming into contact with incessently annoying parents. You play the part beautifully
DazzleBMoney@reddit
I’m not embodying anything, and I’ve not been rude or disrespectful to anyone, yet you seem happy to sound of at someone having a civil discussion and try to make personal insults. That’s more of an insight into the type of person you are.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
Since when did a parent caring about their child become such an issue? This is the uk, there is serious issues with our schools. Bullying destroys lives and is not taken seriously. Naughty students that stop everyone else learning are not just tolerated but rewarded
SmashtheBaddie@reddit
To quote from the OP '
And then there's the one who emails or phones all the time. And it's always a question they've already had the answer to, or a complaint about something we should have done differently/better. I'm interested if that parent knows they get in touch more than anyone else, and cares about whether or not the staff have them on their radar as a moaning minnie/mickey?' It is quite clear that they are complaining about parents that moan and whine about minor things or arent listening to answers they have previously given. OP also confirms throughout the thread that this isnt about serious issues or children with SEND. Its about people like you that ask questions that have already been answered or attempt to blow things out of proportion
MermaidPigeon@reddit
People like me that are not a parent ? Calm down lol
SmashtheBaddie@reddit
Parent or not you seemed to be struggling with reading comprehension so I thought I could make it easier for you. Are there any other parts you were struggling with? Hope youre having a great day
MermaidPigeon@reddit
Maybe I struggle to read because I went to a uk state school 🤔
Interesting-Cash6009@reddit
They did admit to treating the child differently but you are choosing to defend on the fact they don’t allow the child to know they were treated differently.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
The teacher did an oxymoron...
Choosing child A over B because B's parents are moaning Murtles IS treating the pupil differently.
They used an example litterally showing them treating the child differently, which is bullshit.
RainbowBurgerx@reddit
Not every chikd gets a good role due to sheer numbers. Most turn out okay?
Fudge_is_1337@reddit
I think this is a bit too idealistic. Teachers are doing a lot of work outside of official work hours as a baseline, signing themselves up to X amount of extra hassle per week is just never going to make sense.
The child isn't being told "you didn't get picked because your dad/mum is annoying" so I'm not sure the self esteem argument fully makes sense to me. I highly doubt the teacher is ever going to tell the student that they find their parent overbearing, that would be demonstrably unprofessional. Kids might pick up on it if they are aware of the interactions.
Different-Yellow-308@reddit
Yeah, it's not best practice. But if a parent has a significant impact on your life, then sometimes you have to make those decisions. It's rare but it's real. These specific types of parents (again rare) aren't just nagging. They're sending aggressive emails with the intent of causing stress, they are constantly challenging everything valid that staff say, they're calling at the end of the day and keeping you on the call well after hours. I've had colleagues who have had to hang up on parents at 5pm who couldn't understand that if they don't go now, the teachers own young children will be stranded alone.. And these instances have been over very menial and non urgent matters.
Over the years, I've seen an increasing culture of parent pleasing, however unreasonable. However, more lines need to be drawn between parent/teacher communication. Where it becomes excessive and a teacher feels compelled to distance themselves from potential harassment at the hands of parents, then it needs to be handed off to SLT. Who hopefully have the confidence and policy to set needed boundaries. Ideally, the kid gets the part and the teacher isn't forced into unnecessary agro.
Let's avoid adding to the teacher retention crisis shall we.
DazzleBMoney@reddit
But that’s literally what was implied in the example given in the comment I’m replying to?
Fudge_is_1337@reddit
I think its the distinction between avoiding interaction with the parent, and the teacher having a negative relationship with the student.
The teacher isn't being a dick to the student day to day because they've got an annoying parent - the professional relationship you mentioned
DazzleBMoney@reddit
But that’s a decision that would negatively affect the child pupil, as they’re being overlooked for something due to their parents.
rising_then_falling@reddit
Yes, being a very annoying person will negatively affect your child, including at one remove.
Not sure why this surprises anyone.
I used to do loads of outdoor education with kids. One of the best things about it is they were away from their parents. I'd still get people phoning at 10pm saying that they'd seen rain forecast on the news and what was my contingency plan in case of lightning storms and hurricanes and would I be moving their kid from a tent into a hotel if the weather got too bad. FFS.
I didn't take it out on the kid, but if they were on the waiting list for the next trip and a spot came up - yeah, another kid on the waiting list would probably get it, not them. 10pm phone calls checking I can do my job after doing my job all day aren't super fun.
Interesting-Cash6009@reddit
Wow
No_Tour_1030@reddit
You would want a teacher to tell parents every time they do a trip like this that if it rains they will not be moving them to a hotel? A hurricane is an emergency not just something that needs a plan B. You don't know what they were told for that scenario, only that the parent called at 10pm about rain, which isn't in need of a contingency plan. I can only assume you're one of those parents and if so, trust professionals to do their job
Interesting-Cash6009@reddit
Trust the professional 😂 Not in this lifetime!
rising_then_falling@reddit
We always used to do a risk assessment for kidnapping just for the hell of it.
By far the biggest actual risks were road crossings and severe allergies. Parents never asked anything sensible like "how do you get 20 kids to safely cross a winding country b road". Luckily we know how to do it.
Stuff like "what if a massive summer typhoon blows every tent away. Then what?? " is just nonsense. We'd get them all to sleep in the minibus and drive them home the next day very tired is the actual answer but I'm not debating that with a parent because heavy rain is forecast by the BBC.
In 25 years of it I've once had tents destroyed by wind - and that was on high mountains where we had a plan to get them off and into a hut. Year 7 in a woodland in July - not really an issue.
Interesting-Cash6009@reddit
Self esteem is affected where a child is never selected despite them feeling that they were the better option but having to dismiss this inherent feeling as they were not selected despite the fact they were indeed the better option but never being informed that it was because of their parents communications to the school that made the final decision. They have had to reorder how they view themselves over what the actual truth of the matter was.
And the teachers upvoting you are of the belief this doesn’t negatively impact self esteem need to learn more about the psychology of children. Any teacher who has an actual vocation for teaching would never dream of determining the child by the communication frequency or style of the parent.
ShrinkerLincolnshire@reddit
How long have you been teaching?
Majestic_Lion_@reddit
I very much agree here
Wonderful-Product437@reddit
I get it but man, that kinda sucks for the kid with the difficult parent :(
TroublesomeFox@reddit
Genuine question, what if you have NO concerns about the teacher but have questions/concerns about your kid?
My kid just turned 4 and has been going to school nursery and I've asked a few questions about the rules, structure etc when not sure and recently had a meeting with her because my kid is likely autistic and we're worried about her socially.
Shes a fantastic teacher and we've never once had a single issue with anything she's done. Is she likely to see me as an issue? I mostly just try and be an involved parent.
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
Based on what I've heard from my teacher friends, there's a huge difference between parents who see themselves and the teacher as part of a team working together for the child's benefit, and parents who see every teacher as an adversary they need to battle with. You definitely sound like the former!
(Obviously not every teacher/school is amazing, and sometimes you do need to fight to get your kid's needs met, but I'm talking about the kind of parents who believe that everything to do with their child's learning is "the school's job", and that if their kid is struggling it's because the teacher is doing something wrong)
TroublesomeFox@reddit
The way I've always tried to view it is that school is a BIG part of my kids childhood and so I should be as involved in that as I can. Her teacher is legitimately wonderful so it's been easy to have no problems I guess but the way I see it it's OUR job to make sure that she's ready for the grown up world at the end of all this and the teachers job is to HELP us with that. Im dyslexic and maths and punctuation have always been a major issue for me so I do absolutely need her teachers to try and teach her things BUT it's my job to help with homework, being present, helping her get back on track if needs be etc. I sort of see it as my job is to make her job as easy as possible.
JuanitaMerkin@reddit
You just sound like a very invested parent. Nothing to worry about!
TroublesomeFox@reddit
Thanks! I volunteered to help chaperone the end of term trip so hopefully that's earnt me point's lol
Electronic-Net-5494@reddit
Recovering educator is very good.
I've been "cold turkey"/"sober" a little over a year.
I have a son and am very mindful of making hassle for already overworked teachers.
Some people just love a moan and are never happy.
When I was Head of Year the job largely entailed seeing the parents of the worst behaved kids on a weekly basis by the end of which we were all committed to the kid making changes we all agreed on.....then see you again next week! Possibly my fault for not engaging the latest restorative/kind child centered approach some might say.
After making several phone calls on a Friday after a brutal week I'd phone one of the quiet polite kids parents and those phonecalls were like therapy.
Lots of kids get it right but we are not often giving so much time energy and effort to steer the ones that create issues they can get overlooked.
It was really lovely saying "hi it's Mr Egghead* here. Just wanted to say how proud of Joe you must be. They are absolutely excellent in terms of effort and attitude always and the reason teaching is so great!"
Parents were very grateful and it cheered me up.
*Not my actual name but I am a bald old geezer.
Queen_of_London@reddit
Yep. When I had to make a lot of calls to try to follow up on something negative, I'd try to include one good one too, if I had time. If it was a kid who had been trying really hard, particularly after not doing great before, it was especially nice to be able to let the parents know that we had noticed and it was making a difference.
You just have to be quick to get in with "don'tworrythisisn'tabout anythingbad" before they panic, and call after the school day.
Electronic-Net-5494@reddit
Lol very good.
I used to start with "hello it's Mr Egghead here. Are you sitting down?"
This was usually followed by "oh gosh what has he/she done?"
When the stars aligned perfectly and the parent was a student I used to teach when they were at the school years before it was really fun.
Different-Yellow-308@reddit
I love this. I've worked in schools that heavily encouraged it. And yes, I agree, end of the day on a Friday, it's like a lovely reminder that the week was well worth it.
It gears you up for the following week. It was such a motivator. And I found it gave me the boost to be more dynamic in my practice.
One dad choked up. The kid was y10 and new to me. Dad said he'd only ever had phone calls about how poorly behaved his kid was. That this was a first. Next lesson, I heard all about the restaurant they went to as a well done.
Electronic-Net-5494@reddit
Wonderful
Jamie2556@reddit
I had that once with my youngest, a phone call to say she was great. Made a change from the regular calls about my son….
InThewest@reddit
I'm returning from mat leave and covering a mat leave until summer. I've been teaching for over a decade, but am jumping a few year groups after spending all my time in this school in early years. Apparently THAT parent has been kicking off nonstop about it.
Don't know who's coming on the school trip, but she won't be randomly selected, that's for sure.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
Maybe is bullying was taken seriously parents wouldn’t have to call constantly. It’s not like they have a choice, they can’t take there kid out of school it’s illegal
JuanitaMerkin@reddit
Nobody mentioned bullying. We are talking about parents who want to hold crisis talks because their child was asked to be quiet in a library and this is a gross invasion of their human rights etc
grumpygutt@reddit
Very true. The child of an awful parent will generally be avoided so that I can dodge having to contact home.
AussieVoVo@reddit
Where as in my school they will have 2 casts on 2 different nights so they don't have parents complaining about their kid not getting a part.
JuanitaMerkin@reddit
Absolutely abysmal decision on behalf of the teaching stuff. Being disappointed but learning to be part of the team anyway is a key skill.
Easy-Chemistry-3976@reddit
I hope this doesn't come out harshly, because it's not meant to be... But these parents are trusting you with the one thing they care about most in the whole world, and they're advocating they have no control over what's happening, how their kid is doing or how people treat their child. To you it's an annoying part of your job, to them it's wanting to be sure you're treating their precious baby properly and taking their concerns seriously.
I actually worry about the parents who don't contact... I was a child who's mum didn't come to school, didn't read letters or emails and didn't come to parents evening, and I finally realised in therapy in my 20s I was a neglected child and my mum was an alcoholic. The "problem parents" are a draining yes, but they're a blessing to their kid.
My kids school is absolutely wonderful, they know all the kids and the parents so well, they ask questions, they give feedback, they make a proper learning plan with our input. Granted, I live in a small town, it's probably not possible everywhere. I get it's your job, but it's our kids. I would probably be seen as a problem parent anywhere else but my school, because my kids autistic and I know with support he'll smash it in class but without support he'll more likely smash up the class haha!
Necessary_Doubt_9762@reddit
I’m a parent of a primary school kid-reception. I talked to my daughter’s teacher maybe once a week during her first term as we were trying to sort out support for her speech and it’s all done through school now so it was looking at interim plans whilst the referral was going in etc. I do go to parents evenings, celebration assemblies etc, volunteer if needed and have been on a school trip but I don’t feel the need to talk to my daughter’s teacher hardly at all. I would if I needed to. There is a parent who stands at the door chatting to her about her kid *every single day* and I don’t know how she tolerates it. She must have the patience of a saint.
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
I went to a CofE primary school, and I saw more than one teacher over the years being harassed by parents wanting to discuss their children in church on a Sunday morning. Like, for the literal love of God, can you not let those poor people have one day of peace?!
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
This is why I couldn't teach primary! Well, that and I don't do bodily fluids. Everything you've described sounds fine to me, especially as you're helping out the school so much through volunteering your time. That's pretty amazing too.
Dr_Gillian_McQueef@reddit
I only contacted school twice. Once when my son's coat was nicked from the locker room, and once to ask if he could be waitlisted for the French trip.
The silly goose had neglected to give me the letter from his bag and we missed the deadline.
We never got the coat back, and a lass dropped out of the trip so he got to go. Yay.
There was a time he was being bullied in Year 7 - a nasty little cnut was giving it to him relentlessly so I taught him some really wounding comebacks to make the bully feel small but didn't get school involved. From other parents' experience the cctv never managed to catch bullying incidents and they were ineffectual at sorting stuff.
The strategy worked.
AuroraDF@reddit
You know, there was a bit of (possible) bullying going on in our year two recently. I'm desperately trying to monitor it, do pastoral group work, seperate groups, etc etc to change the behaviour. Parents complain we're not doing enough (they want one kid removed from the school - he's not actually the culprit but they don't believe that - and another moved from the class).
Meanwhile I can see one kid who used to be involved, who has suddenly detached himself from that group entirely. His grades have gone up, his attitude has changed, he's never in trouble any more, and he has new friends. His mother, who spent last year in and out of my office, has clearly told him to keep the **** away from those children and he has, and it has worked, and basically changed his life.
Sometimes, it's the parent who can fix it.
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
Love that for him!!
occasionalrant414@reddit
My wife is deputy head and the SEND leader for an academy trust school. She understand the whining parents. However, she appreciates the parents that give a shit and call out any potential bad actions. She hates her time being wasted on parents evenings when no one shows up.
You can bet that we raise things with the class teacher about our kids. As an example, it turns out that our daughter was flying under the radar as she gets on with it and is quiet and because of which, she wasn't getting the right support for maths, which was was "not expected". However, within a month of raising it she was at expected and by the end of year 1 she was "exceeding expectations" which she had carried on doing. Had we left it she would be languishing behind and not progressing - why would we allow that? Why should we not raise concerns and challenge where needed? We don't do it all the time but I would if I had to. Christ I would even join the parent governors (or whatever they are called) if I needed to if I didn't feel the issue was being resolved.
The needy parents need to be handled and their expectations managed.
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
My mum was the parent governor in charge of the health and safety reports for a while, which is how I learned that my primary school was (and probably still is tbh) absolutely full of asbestos
yellowsubmarine45@reddit
Apart from reporting absences, the only time I have only contacted the school twice. The first to ask that my daughter be excused from PE ( there was a dental issue and she had to avoid an potential impacts for a couple of weeks). The second was to inform them she had started her periods ( she was still at primary school)
lostless-soul@reddit
I started my period at primary school. It never occurred to me that my mum might've contacted the school about it, but I sure as hell hope she didn't!
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
My mum did, but that was because she let me have the day off school the day I got my first period, so for that reason I didn't mind lol
yellowsubmarine45@reddit
Well if a girl has to leave class to sort out a pad or something, it helps that the teacher knows its a possiblity so they don't tell her to "hold it till break" or ask why she is taking her bag with her to the toilet. Its kind of udnerstood at secondary school, but not as commonly appreciated at primary school, especially as she had a male teacher. So I let the school know so it could be handled more discretely
lostless-soul@reddit
Yes fair enough. Although I'd argue it's not understood that well at secondary school, or at least it wasn't about 10 years ago. I went to an all girls school and we had to beg to do to the toilet during a lesson. Interestingly, the male teachers were always a lot less strict about it.
yellowsubmarine45@reddit
Ohh, its definitely moved on. There is a store cupboard at my daughters new secondary school stocked with spare pads and new underwear in case of emergencies! Kids can just go in and help themselves.
Hippadoppaloppa@reddit
That's a great idea!
lostless-soul@reddit
Reading that genuinely made me smile
yellowsubmarine45@reddit
I think its also an opportunity to discretely provide sanitary protection to kids who's parents are struggling financially. Its a nice school.
PrincessPK475@reddit
I clicked out as this caught my peripheral.... Clicked back and scrolled to find just to say... You're a good mum ☺️
ShingledPringle@reddit
I am constantly in a state of understanding they can't control everything and wanting to ring them out for not fixing things.
If I have to de-nit my daughter one more time because some chucklefucks at the school wont take care of their kids hair AND aren't held accountable by a nit nurse these days...
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
God, I remember my aunt genuinely being on the edge of a breakdown trying to find a nit comb she could get through my cousin's tight curls without ripping her hair out 😭
Rough-Trade-4899@reddit
As nits arnt considered a health hazard so kids go to school with them.
When I was at school if you had nits you were off till it was sorted
Bowtie327@reddit
Don’t think my parents ever rang the school, they had no reason to and would have been too busy working
That being said, I now work in a school, the phone rings off the hook! Each call is 3-5 minutes, always 1 admin on the phone at once. Averaging about 75 calls a day minus the intercom from the gate
What’s so important that 10% of the student’s parents need to call in? Are they not busy themselves?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
See, this is the point. When you lay out stats and time taken for each call, people can see why it's an issue. I had to point out to someone else if one tenth of my students' parents contacted me each week, I'm dealing with over 50 parents!
Bowtie327@reddit
I know they’re not allowed to use their phones in school time but if my mum ever needed to get a hold of me she’d just text me, “working late, go to auntie X’s house” for example until I was old enough to go home alone
I’m surprised that isn’t more common now rather than ringing the school to pass on messages, the admins where I work have to put up with some BS
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
DfE guidance coming in now says no phones in school, at all. So we're about to get an increase in messages to be passed on by reception.
Bowtie327@reddit
It’s mad that it’s come to that, the rule for us (class of 2010), we got them confiscated if we ever had them out unless instructed to, but we were allowed them at break/lunch
I really don’t see an issue, IMO it’s a discipline issue but saying that kids these days seem to be feral
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
At my secondary school, the rule was phones in lockers until the end of the day. If you were caught with your phone out or even in your bag during the school day, you'd get it confiscated until the end of the day on Friday (which fucking sucked if you got caught on a Monday lol)
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
The problem with phones at break and lunch is around safeguarding. Kids are taking photos and videos of each other or themselves. Just knowing about the awful things they do and say to each other online when they're not in school is bad enough, if they have phones in school, they'd be doing it in school time too.
Bowtie327@reddit
Actually yeah thinking back my year group had to have 3 separate assemblies about why it was unacceptable to spread nudes. Good point
Which-World-6533@reddit
In all my years at school I never had a message from my parents during the day.
What can be so important it can't wait a few hours...?
Bowtie327@reddit
Change of plans for home time is about the only thing I can think of
Which-World-6533@reddit
Lol. I keep forgetting school children no longer have legs.
Bowtie327@reddit
What do you mean?
Low-Run9256@reddit
Mum at my school will call up every week over minor things. One kid accidently left a glue stick on a chair and another kid sat on it. Called up saying and her kid had been manically attacked with glue and came home covered. It was one small patch...
Wonderful-Pumpkin695@reddit
When I was a teaching assistant, one of the kids in my class asked for help taking her earrings out for PE. Her ear piercings were so clearly infected (red, swollen, leaking pus) and I told her that I wasn't comfortable taking them out and that she should mention it to her mum when she got home. Her mum came in the next day and told the teacher that I should be fired for "diagnosing" her child without a medical degree. These people are insane.
WillowCreekWanderer@reddit
Ouch, poor kid 😭😭
AuroraDF@reddit
Good god. Although I don't know why I'm surprised.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about! I'm not having a go at parents of children with SEND or medical issues etc. But getting phone calls and emails about things like this take up so much of our time and energy.
dunneetiger@reddit
I assume being a teacher or working in the education sector is complicated, it has its perks and disadvantages but dealing with overwhelming people happen in all walks of life. Everyone has to deal with difficult clients/customers/colleagues, it’s part of the work. I don’t understand what the difference is. Obviously I don’t work in that industry
Laylelo@reddit
Honestly, the ones talking about legitimate issues don’t seem to see that the other parents are making it difficult to sort out those issues because your time is taken up dealing with ridiculous complaints.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Yep, same sort of thing as phoning for an ambulance when it's not a medical emergency!
Low-Run9256@reddit
Another time her child wore green shorts for p.e and it's meant to be black. A kid mentioned this and she came to the school to complain over bullying. Took half hour of head teachers time at the end of the day 😩
PrincessPK475@reddit
I read this yesterday and half heartedly replied to another commenter.... But for some reason I keep coming back and pondering on this because it's struck a nerve I think.
I'm torn between not wanting to be that parent so I don't reach out when I probably maybe should and I have interjected on a couple of occasions.... E.g. my daughter's school keeps flouting the consent for pictures on socials.... Twice now they have marked me down as consented despite categorically saying no on every form sent to me. It's not just a GDPR issue but a safeguarding one. I digress.
However.... There are absolutely things we, as parents, should be encouraged to engage about, as is our perfect right and an engaged parent should be seen as a positive thing ... I'm judging the parents you never see at parents evening more than the one calling you honestly.
I bet there are tonnes of good ideas and little oversights that the parents spot that could genuinely help improve efficiency and spot flaws in the "way things are done". There will be a whole group who thinks the same things but are too afraid/busy/see the pointlessness to speak up.
There are sometimes things like parent councils? , if your school doesn't have one, suggest forming one. That way everything gets moaned about to the PTA and then the PTA meets with the school to put the complaints, ideas and suggestions forward to the school in a monthly or quarterly meeting to represent the parents.
I think the mixed bag of comments you are getting is going to be mixed because you haven't provided sufficient explanation of the types of complaints or delineated at all between say the parent whose child is a nightmare and they support the bad behaviour in the denial of little Johnny being an angel OR the anxious parent, the parent who knows their kid is struggling or being bullied or is silently crying out for support themselves or is undiagnosed ND and is struggling to follow the school's processes because they aren't straightforward enough etc etc (lack of punctuation intentional to read as an endless stream for emphasis of the point).
Back in the day, parents were way more engaged. I just had parents evening.... I don't even get to speak to the teachers, they have 5.minutes to reel off their feedback and then the video call shuts down.... I get bombarded with a year's worth of info, get no discussion, no time to process, no time to ask follow up questions....
What you have is a capacity problem, not a parent problem (in broad general terms). Not your fault. But what that leaves you with is frustrated teachers and parents.
I don't have an issue with my child in school or their school most of the time. But if I did, I wouldn't think twice about escalating increasingly so for every time I get dismissed or ignored. Sometimes you have to bully your way through the crowds to get seen and heard.
So I'm torn and need further information to answer this personally because I want to know:
the types of complaints they are calling in with?
Have they been given the time and opportunity to have a proper sit down to address what's going on if their complaints/queries are legitimate?
is this really a nightmare parent or is this a capacity issue and the frustration misdirected?
I get it's frustrating from your end, but it can be equally frustrating from ours and nobody in the room is actually to blame for that which leaves a bit of a shit catch 22 honestly.
Sea_Influence7197@reddit
I keep coming back to this post because I had a rubbish relationship with my son's primary school teachers and it has definitely hit a nerve. He had additional needs (dyslexia and significant hearing loss both formally diagnosed) but rather than support him they focused upon criticising and blaming us, as parents. I think it was easier than actually providing the support he needed as they were already overworked. One of my neighbours is a primary teacher and will openly say how much she hates parents. I think this attitude is a reflection of overwhelming workloads and teachers deflecting towards parents. It's heartbreaking to read that some teachers are taking this out on children and makes me extremely relieved that my kids are no longer of school age.
Double-Function-6489@reddit
I’m on the never contact side of being a parent, when I do it’s always just the office staff and i wonder if I’m being a pest. Iv only ever spoken to teachers on parents nights.
However I have friends saying they messaged the teacher about the most obscure things, like something that happened in the playground that didn’t involve their child, a lost jumper, to clarify gym days, why their child wasn’t picked for sports team etc.
I’d actually hate being a teacher lol.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Why are you getting emails/calls as their class teacher?
Senior management should be protecting you from that.
Treadonmydreams@reddit
Is it really so unusual? My child's (infant) school actively encourages parents to email their class teacher directly if we want to dicuss anything about our child or their experiences in class. Only more general stuff is meant to go to the office admin staff.
RetroRegretso@reddit
Primary schools are known to be behind when it comes to things like this. They shouldn't allow direct emails. Imagine if you were the teacher and were having to reply to 30 plus emails on top of your normal workload!
dannibell007@reddit
I don't think you are getting 30+ emails on the daily as a teacher. As the OP said most parents aren't contacting them. Having someone else put in the way isn't reducing the teachers workload it's just creating workload for someone else who has to play pass the parcel with information between the parent and the teachers.
I don't expect there to be an extra person between me and my clients at work but I do expect that if I'm having a problem dealing with a client that my line manager would step in. Same happens in a service industry job. Arsehole customer in a shop is going to get dealt with first by a standard storefront operator then when they show their arsehole colours they get passed onto the store manager.
Most of the contact that happens between the parents at my school and the teachers are either child specific issues which only the teacher could answer as or as a result of poorly worded mass communication from said teacher in the first place. For example we had a message saying that PE was now on Mondays and Fridays and that forest school was now also on a friday, the point of which was to make sure we sent them in deed appropriately for those activities. To which we were like ok; So are they doing forest school in their PE kit, or PE in their forest school clothes or do they need two sets of clothes so they can change and which one are we sending them in in. We had a chat about it in the class what's app then someone volunteered to clarify with the teacher and the teacher then sent out a clarification message to everyone.
RetroRegretso@reddit
No but the 30 plus was based on an average primary class size and the potential for each parent or carer group to email at least once. I wasn't referring to OP here, who teaches at Ks3 and 500 kids at a time.
Teachers are rarely seen as clients either! The primary schools I work at do operate differently that the secondaries. However, I think OP has poor management as she's having to spend a lot of time after work emailing parents when these enquiries could be sorted by the admin staff and the complaints dealt with by SLT.
dannibell007@reddit
No way is a single class of 30 parents all emailing a teacher once each day. And I wasn't seeing the teacher as the client I was seeing the parent/child and the client and the teacher as a provider of a service, it's not perfect but it's the closest relationship based metaphor I could come up with.
You are attacking OP for no reason, OP doesn't have poor management skills, what are you even basing that on. OP's following the practices their school has set up. you have no idea what queries parents are asking OP, maybe they just want to know what time OP needs them at school for before the play starts, which could in theory be dealt with by the admin staff but if it's a child specific education question shouldn't the teacher be the one answer that? Don't you think the communication around that is better and clearer in a direct conversation rather than via a middleman?
OP doesn't seem that bothered about the majority of the questions they are getting or answering them, OP's frustrated by the one obsessive parent (out of 500) who doesn't know how to not micromanage. OP just wanted to know if people who did this know they are doing it and that they are being annoying or if they are blissfully unaware and just think they are showing an interest in their child. what they got was you telling them their school is shit and they should be starting a war with their bosses and also that OP's bad at managing eh?
RetroRegretso@reddit
What a peculiar reply! I can only assume you've deliberately misunderstood because you're looking for a little internet bicker? Most of what you said doesn't apply at all to anything I have written.
But let's have it, yeah! You're absolutely correct. Every word!
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
All due respect. This isn't a restaurant where customers first point of contact is a teacher during a school day.
It's the office, then senior management and no further.
I base this off Scottish education where we are held to a higher standard and conduct ourselves in a professional manner.
Not countless emails and complaints to our staff.
Not how it works or has ever worked in Scotland for 20 years.
dannibell007@reddit
Why do you think most of the contact from parents is complaints? Most of the communication I see at our school is based off of parents trying to clarify what they are meant to be doing to help the school or their child. So if someone has a problem with their kids school dinner they aren't contacting the teacher about that they are contacting the school office or the catering company direct. Equally if I have a problem with something related to the education of my child I'm struggling to support them in some way or they have a problem that I need the teacher to be aware of that's when I want to be talking to the teacher, that is teaching my child, so we can come up with a plan that we can then both implement or atleast just make sure we're both on the same page and know what's going to happen.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
The question was related to "whinging parents" as I've said on other replies you can chat away about a show or trip all day. My focus has been on trouble and real issues
Although our school just sends out group texts for these things and base all reminders through this, parent pay and parent portal.
So again,not much chat direct to teacher.
Supporting child is different again, that would involve a Team around the child meeting and everyone involved would create a plan. Not a quick email.
dannibell007@reddit
We use a platform called class dojo it has chats setup with every teacher your kid has any involvement with. Including the office staff, deputy head and head teachers. So I can message their teachers at any time. Generally speaking people ask questions in the class what's app group and then if no-one knows one person says they will or have contacted the school/teacher and will tell the others what they say. So hopefully only a few people might ask the same question and if the teacher clearly got spammed they often send a message to a whole class chat group sending clarification to all. It's a tricky one, but the reality is I know parents have not had responses so if they get annoying I think they get ignored. It's amazing how happy some parents are I know some what's app groups can cause trouble for the teachers but I think others sane them a lot of stupid messages.
APrisonOfMyOwnMaking@reddit
Within our trust we’re not allowed to contact parents through Class Dojo, they can message us but we cannot reply. It’s deemed a safeguarding and GDPR compliance risk.
peppermint_aero@reddit
Out of curiosity, what kind of time frame would you deem reasonable for a response?
Given that the teacher is likely to only be able to respond once the school day is over.
dannibell007@reddit
It depends on when I send a message and when they check. I'd think it wrong if they responded instantly they are ment to be teaching during the day after all. I think most of the teachers at our school tend to have a bit of time in the afternoon where the TA is teaching where they get to do marking or admin so it's most common to get a response then or in the morning before the kids arrive at school.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Dojo was cancelled in our authority over external companies and gdpr trust issues.
RetroRegretso@reddit
I agree with this. Seems an unusual system OP has at her school.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Not at all - our emails are on the school website, and we put them on letters home etc. SLT will step in if asked and I can escalate anything to them if needed. I've passed something onto my line manager recently, and they are dealing with a difficult parent on my behalf. But, I am in charge of the school play, and it would be bonkers for SLT to have to send out comms about rehearsals, and then reply to parents who contact school about rehearsals. Similarly, if someone is running a trip, they contact parents and parents contact them. SLT don't have time to be the unnecessary middle man!
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Extra curricular activities are different than dealing with "problem" parents.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Not really! I have a parent who currently emails me at least weekly, of not several times a day about the school play. You said that leadership should deal with parents, without putting any caveats on that. I'm providing examples of why SLT don't routinely do all the comms about every school matter. Over 1300 students at my school, why would leadership be the point of contact for an issue that only affects one department, or one class?!
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Yeah, I'm saying a chat about a play is different that a parent calling to constantly complain.
Schools I work at would never let it get to the teacher to answer and put up with that type of enquiry.
And a school of 1300 would have 6 deputes overseeing a year group each. 200ish pupils each. Then we'd "guidance" teachers and then department heads.
Parent would never touch a teachers email.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
You said:
Why are you getting emails/calls as their class teacher?
I answered your question.
No school of 1300 students has six deputy head teachers. We have two, some schools only have one. Deputy heads are not I/c of a year group, heads of year are. They are not deputy head teachers.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
School roll 1389.
1 HT 6 DHTs 7 pupil support
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Love that you think I could or should sort out a school.
Having looked that up online, your school is calling "deputes" what mine call assistant heads. Each of our assistant heads is responsible for a year group, and each year group also has a head of year (academic) AND a head of year (pastoral). We also have a school social worker, a family liaison officer, a full time nurse and three counsellors in one day a week. We also then have our deputies, one for curriculum and one for pastoral. There are other associate members of the senior leadership team too. Somi think we're probably fine for SLT, thanks though!
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Yet you still answer parental emails. Also, I'm not sure what you're trying to flex. I was just giving facts as you were questioning what I was saying.
I have no argument here other than prooer schools with professional leadership and standards don't allow anyone to have conversations with "problem" parents. Most teachers would fail from the start in these types of situations.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
RetroRegretso@reddit
That situation is markedly different to the one you mentioned in your OP though?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Believe it or not, the parents that contact school over every little thing, their children are also in the play, or on a trip, or whatever it might be. SLT cannot and should not be the point of contact for absolutely everything teachers and parents need to be in touch over. You expressed surprise that parents are allowed to contact teachers directly, I'm just responding to that to explain why it would be bonkers not to. When parents become a problem, or become abuse, we escalate to SLT, but not for everyday comms.
RetroRegretso@reddit
So your SLT have let you down here by allowing the direct communication including complaints. In my job, any grievances or little questions go through reception/admin then SLT. The admin is left up to them, the teaching to the teachers.
I would raise this with your SLT as an issue. There must be a procedure in place, to protect yourself and any pupils involved here. You need to be careful.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
So a parent contacts the teacher for complaints and you escalate it to SLT like a mcds worker getting the manager?
Complaints go through SLT. It's why they are paid the big bucks. Teacher aren't even trained to deal with parents properly.
National-Jump-8066@reddit
I have two with EHCPs. When my oldest was in need of specialist and her placement breaking down i probably needed to email once a month or so, it was mostly verbal handovers and pre-arranged meetings. My younger son whose placement is fine I probably email once a half term, but he is in wrap around both ends of school day so I never see his teacher or 1:1.
baumouse@reddit
I think people like that simply do not care how they're perceived.
BigFaithlessness618@reddit
If it means getting the right outcome child I honestly don't care how I am perceived.
My wife's a teacher some teacher see any engagement outside parent evenings a negative. I understand it can be more work but ultimately my child is my responsibility, my role as a parent is to be advocate.
If I don't understand I am going to ask and if I don't agree I will challenge where appropriate.
Ayanhart@reddit
There's being an advocate, then there's sending a message on Dojo every other day because precious little Katie who can't do anything wrong was apparently told that this other girl didn't want to play with her and is bullying her and now they're demanding the two girls be split up and never breathe the same air again. This despite the girls playing together with their friends every lunch/break.
Or when little Tommy got a tiny papercut that didn't even bleed when sticking a sheet into his book and the teacher didn't deem this priority number 1 to inform the parents and so they must be the worst and most neglectful teacher in the world who is bullying and picking on that child.
Both real examples from within the last year. Names changed ofc.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
I agree you are your child's advocate, but I'm talking about getting an email asking XYZ, when XYZ was in the letter that went home a week ago!
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
You teach a cross section of society, with a variety of parents…..part of your job is to navigate and deal with ‘those’ parents. They may have special needs themselves that you know nothing about. Most parents are trying their best.
Unlucky_Flow8785@reddit
Surely you don’t think it is the responsibility of a teacher to deal with problem parents - they surely have enough to do with being seen as kids’ social workers as well as their educators never mind having to placate incompetent/attention seeking adults? All while being paid a shit wage?
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
Yep.
Unlucky_Flow8785@reddit
Do you think they should be paid more? Genuine question (am not a teacher btw)
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
For the amount of work some do, yes. I used to work through school holidays, every evening etc as I believe the more you put in, the better for your students. Supporting them in football matches and choir concerts etc But it’s not sustainable. There’s less support from parents and management (in my experience) who made the job harder, with very little support. It can be pretty thankless. The pastoral side is incredibly emotionally draining.
It should be a vocation, not just a job. I found there are 3 types of teachers…..those who care about children, those who don’t know what else to do with their degree, and those who love telling people off. A third of those work incredibly hard. It’s not right and it’s the fault of the government.
Unlucky_Flow8785@reddit
It’s interesting you say it should be a vocation rather than “just” a job, because I do wonder whether paying teachers more would actually increase the chances of people acting in the idealised way you’re describing. Most jobs rely on a mix of people caring about what they do and being paid properly for it, rather than basically expecting people to sacrifice their evenings, weekends and sanity for the role.
And honestly, do you really think the teachers who see it more as “a job” but still have high standards necessarily work less hard than the ones who fully throw themselves into it? Sometimes the people who set boundaries are the ones who actually last and stay effective, rather than burning themselves out trying to be everything to everyone.
You said yourself it became unsustainable - did that mean you stepped back a bit, or left altogether? Genuinely asking because that’s the bit I find really intresting as an outsider looking in.
It feels like the social side of teaching has crept massively over the last cuople of decades. Teaching and educating almost seems secondary sometimes compared to all the emotional support, safeguarding, parenting stuff, extra curriculars etc. And I honestly think part of it is linked to a wider breakdown in trust in professionals generally. Parents second guess teachers and seem to have low trust in ther abilities the same way patients second guess doctors after 10 mins on Google. Feels like society’s become more individualistic and less communal, so more and more responsibilty gets dumped onto schools and individual teachers.
I’m genuinely curious what you think because it feels like a pretty massive problem that isnt going away anytime soon.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
The teachers who see it as a job work incredibly hard to tick all the right boxes, even to the detriment of the children, to get up the ladder. Not all but a lot.
And you are right about the emotional support etc, the pastoral side far out weighs the teaching side. I had a breakdown and left. I set boundaries, I really did, but sometimes it’s not about that. Three students (within two years) got meningitis, two of whom got infections in the brain. It fucked them up. The other one passed away. Overnight. Taught him the day before. I really loved my job but getting told things on a regular basis like ‘my mum threatened me with a knife last night’ or a child who watches his mum prostitute or the little one who regularly found drugs at home…..it fucked me up too. All of it. It’s about finding that balance of caring for the children, but not worrying about it at home. The ones who see it as a job were not approachable to the kids. A teacher shouldn’t be your counsellor but they should be at least approachable.
I don’t know the answer. Better training maybe? I’ve no idea. I do think community, or lack of, plays a HUGE part in it. (Excuse my language, dredged up some deep stuff there).
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Really interesting comment, purely because some other people are arguing with me that I shouldn't be contacting parents at all, SLT should be dealing with it all, and you're saying it's part of my job.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
Maybe it depends on the school. If you have SLT that care, that’s a great idea.
hhfugrr3@reddit
I very rarely get in touch with my kids schools, but on the topic of letters home I think it's easy to miss info in them as the amount of letters we get is crazy. When i was a kid, I'd be given the odd letter to take home. Now I get multiple emails from the school most days: 3 today and 2 yesterday for example. I have a job, I just can't read all this stuff every time.
BigFaithlessness618@reddit
This is true but also the schools send through so much shit it is really hard to stay on top of it especially if you have a few children.
Schools need to have so much better quality control on emails, weekly news letters then sometimes still paper update...
Aslong as the email is polite and none accusatory just do your job and answer the question, honestly you sound like a apathetic teacher.
You have an engaged parent who cares about there child's education. They are the easiest to deal with.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Having over 500 students means I have over 500 parents. If half of them, or even a quarter, emailed me every week, I'd have no time for anything like planning lessons, marking students' work, trips, or my extensive extra-curricular provision, for which I give up three lunchtimes and an hour and a half after school each week. If even one tenth of all my students' parents contacted me even weekly, that's over 50 emails or phone calls I need to respond to. All to ask a question like "what time is the pick up after that trip" when the information has already been sent home and is on the school calendar. It's not apathetic to want to spend my time on the job of educating young people and providing them with life-changing opportunities instead of answering banal questions.
BigFaithlessness618@reddit
But they don't even you said the vast majority you never hear from.
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
Shhhh, you cant challenge the extreamly poor logic of a teacher on reddit, they are a protected species.
Even when they come out and say they are treating children differently based on their parents...
ZestycloseStyle88@reddit
It's ironic you don't see how this perfectly applies to the other side too.
E.g.
KaijuicyWizard@reddit
A lot of teachers are parents too so have this life admin outside of work on top of managing those who can’t keep up with this.
PrincessPK475@reddit
I don't care how they go about spreading the information, personally I just wish they'd bloody pick one and stick to it consistently!!!
Some are on the app, some go by email, some still on paper, some accessible by the parent or child's login to the portal and lord help you if you don't follow their socials 🤦♀️ then they side-eye you when you miss something.
_poptart@reddit
This is why we as parents have a WhatsApp group for all the parents of our children’s school year (I’m a parent, not a teacher) so we can go - did you see this? Did this mean that? Don’t forget about this!
ToastedCrumpet@reddit
That’s when you reply to them like you’re talking to their child at primary age: “well sweetie like it already says in the email, here…”
“I can colour code or highlight the important points just for you going forward if you’re still struggling”
ManicPixiRiotGrrrl@reddit
so you’re the type of person this post is about… you’re wasting the teachers time by doing this your child is not the only child in the world. it’s just entitlement and selfishness.
Moreghostthanperson@reddit
This, I’ve had to contact my child’s school multiple times this year. I hate doing it, really hate it. But I’ve had to advocate because quite frankly things haven’t been dealt with. My child has had issues with another child taking their things, pencil cases, various bits of stationery, their planner. All which we have to keep paying to replace. I don’t mind buying equipment my kid needs for school, but it’s annoying that I have to keep doing it because other children are allowed to get away with taking it. It’s not something any child should have to deal with and nor is it something I expect to be allowed to happen at school.
So yes I will email or phone when my child has their things stolen. Especially if it results in them getting a detention either on the same day of the incident or in the days after whilst we’re waiting for replacements to be delivered, for ‘not having the right equipment’ because it’s unfair and my child wouldn’t be in this situation if other kids kept their hands to themselves and seemingly keep getting away with it.
And I know it’s not a case of them losing things and lying about it, because they know they won’t get in trouble for losing things but they have to let us know so we can replace what ever it is they’ve lost and have done this before. So they have no reason to lie about them being stolen by a particular child.
I never wanted to be ‘that parent’ but sometimes needs must.
LittleSadRufus@reddit
I think "where appropriate" is what makes you not the problem parent, perhaps
Lear_ned@reddit
I am that parent but in the Canadian school system. I've been an advocate for systemic change in the school system here for the last five years since divorcing my kiddo's mother and seeing the atrocious treatment of single parents. I've met with politicians, heads of school district, top civil servants and finally have changed the process for the school district my daughter belongs to. The principal's hate me, I've FOI'd communications on a few of them and had one quit after a year and one moved to a different, smaller school because of their behaviour.
TattieMafia@reddit
They never hear from me unless my child is being bullied. Then I'll moan until something is done.
Due_Indication4312@reddit
I will never be a difficult parent for the sake of it but during the 36 years my kids have been at school so far (combined) I’ve spoken up when needed. Good and bad. I wouldn’t moan about my child not getting the part they wanted in a play- that’s just life , but I have complained about them sitting my daughter with the disruptive boy who cannot pay attention. That wil never happen again. I have gone mad about a couple of things.
I’m very supportive of their schools but ultimately I’m supportive of my children. Most teachers are great but some really are not.
polystyrenedaffodil@reddit
I find myself at the office at least once a week. I do think im annoying to them, although its only once been an actual complaint. The rest of the time I just have questions and i need to make an appointment to speak to her teachers. But I am aware I show up at little too often, so I gave chocolates for easter and christmas to the reception staff and the parent liason, and if im in a baking mood, will drop down a fresh foccacia to share, so hopefully its not too bad for them.
AuroraDF@reddit
I'm a teacher of EYFS and Key Stage one pupils (age 3-7) and I sometimes wonder this. There are some parents who ask a lot of questions. I can see that they're worried and just needing to know things. Sometimes it's a bit much, but when they're polite and mannerly, I aim to do all I can to give them what they need.
And then there are the ones who tell my colleagues that I (and the Headmaster!) are 'gaslighting them' because we didn't agree with them or give in to their demands. There are those who tell my colleagues that 'someone needs to check my letters because I'm always making mistakes' (after one error which wasn't mine). There are those who make racist remarks to and in front of other parents or pupils outside the school gate. When those people ask their zillionth question of the term, yes I am rolling my eyes, yes I am avoiding their presence, and yes I am not putting myself in a position where I might need to deal with that parent more than is strictly neccesary. I try to make sure it doesn't affect their kids school experience. God knows they have enough to deal with. But as was previously said, if choosing them for something particular means I'm gonna have to deal with their obnoxious parent in my own, unpaid, extra time, it's not happening if I can find another way.
evenifihateit@reddit
When I need to. Which generally isn't very often. But if I do contact them I don't spend time worrying they'll think I shouldn't have; I wouldn't bother unless I thought it was important. I think I have
A parent who contacts you that much has unmet needs in some way, whether personsal or in relation to their children, although you are almost certainly not the person who has any responsibility or way to meet those needs. Their actual issue is likely not the thing they contact you about; chances are they don't even recognise what the actual problem is. It's tiresome and totally unreasonable and not something you should have to deal with. But it is a feature of that sort of job (and the sort of thing that makes me question whether email is actually a net positive for the world).
Adventurous-Shoe4035@reddit
My eldest is primary age - I hate contacting school!! But we’ve had a few issues so currently it’s 2/3 times a week. Beforehand it was an as required type thing!
I hate being that parent but SEN kid who’s struggling so gotta be done!
maxthebold@reddit
Only when I have to , I’m a teacher myself in different school and I pretty much get what’s going on and they send out plenty of info
Someonearoundhere438@reddit
I think some, especially first time parents, are overly concerned with making sure their child is on the right track, getting them to everything on time and are scared to mess up but then some people just love complaining all willy nilly about bloody anything
AdDesperate1541@reddit
I don’t contact the school unless absolutely necessary so in other words, basically never. They have nearly 1500 students to take care of, they don’t need me ringing them up willy nilly.
snow880@reddit
I attend every parents evening, ‘stay and learn’ session, sports day etc but I’ve only had two meetings with the teacher in 3 years and I feel like my concerns were taken very seriously those times. The teacher may be that attentive with everyone but I’ve convinced myself she took me seriously because I don’t whinge about everything little thing.
MrMonkeyman79@reddit
I barely spoke to the school regarding our eldest as things went generally smoothly.
Our youngest has additional needs and things can go considerably less smoothly so are in frequent contact with the school about her. I'm aware that there's a reasonable chance that the staff will roll their eyes when they receive an email or call from us, but i'm also well aware that staying quiet out of politeness won't help us and the school work together to achieve better outcomes for our child.
hamstertoybox@reddit
Yep I’m the same. I do my best to work with the school, if things go pear shaped my son gets disregulated and disrupts the class, so it’s in their interest too.
Queen_of_London@reddit
Yes, as a parent of a child who had extra needs I kept in touch quite a bit. It was 100% necessary, so I don't think any of the teachers had a problem with it. It meant I knew when she had coursework due, when school trips were, etc. (There was no parent app or anything at the time, and most info was communicated verbally to students, or in the homework planner *sometimes*). I was also a teacher, which was probably helpful.
They would also email me about any issues, so it worked well both ways.
One teacher didn't email or respond to any emails, or come to parents' evening, and my daughter's mock grade went down three grades in the real exam, partly due to her coursework being marked very low. Him keeping in contact might have made a difference, and certainly wouldn't have hurt.
HenryHarryLarry@reddit
Yeah, same. I’m absolutely “that parent” at my son’s school. Honestly, I’m knackered managing every aspect of his life and would rather be able to trust them to get on with their jobs but that’s not how things work. My mum died earlier this year and I took my eye off the ball for a while with the school. And then discovered a huge problem had been brewing that they admitted they should have contacted me about months ago.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
If your child has additional needs, it stands for reason you'd be in touch more often.
Blue-Skies0637@reddit
To add - with my child (also additional needs) unless the information has been sent to me directly it will not have reached me. Anything he’s told, or given to pass on to us just disappears into the void.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Yeah, we know this happens! In some ways online comms are much better than the days of finding a scrumpled letter at the bottom of a school bag 4 weeks too late!
-myeyeshaveseenyou-@reddit
I have a child with an autoimmune disease that has the potential to be fatal. Three different schools have been nothing short of useless with keeping her safe and understanding her poor attendance. I am that annoying parent but purely because I’m trying to keep my child alive in a system that is not set up well for seriously sick children and teachers without a shred of empathy. I had to have a stern talk with a teacher at parent teacher evening when they asked my daughter to guarantee she’d be in for the following fortnight on the back of one of the worst bouts of illnesses she’s had where she missed two weeks of school, had 4 urgent care appointments, 1 gp appointment and an a&e trip. She was literally vomiting blood and school had been informed everyday of what was happening.
Another teacher emailed me during this time as well, and not with concern for how sick she was.
Frankly could give two tosses if I have a reputation with the school because I’m trying to keep my child alive.
aliaaenor@reddit
As a parent I feel it's my job to advocate for my child. If something has really upset him (like another kid picking on him) I will speak to the school so they can keep an eye on it. If its just something like he hasn't got what he wanted, that's on me as a parent to help him deal with. I hate the thought of speaking tk the school about stuff but it's my job to suck it up and advocate for my child cos no one else is going to.
What I will say is I hate how schools still seem to think it's like the 1950s and there's a parent who doesnt work so able to rustle up a homemade costume at the drop of a hat or volunteer to help on a school trip tomorrow. I also hate how they always call the mum every time there's an issue (my husband hates this too). And the constant emails and school admin drive me insane. I work full time, more notice is needed for most stuff. I'm lucky as my boss is flexible about my hours so I can take a few hours to go so 'reading with a parent' day or 'picnic im the field' day on a week's notice, but many people can't and I wish we had more notice for these things.
Western_Sort501@reddit
Never been that parent but there was always someone in the primary schools whatapp always phoning school because they never read emails.
I am in one Facebook parenting group where it's a badge of honour being that parent. Mostly parents of ASD/ADHD kids who think the rules for the rest of school shouldn't apply to their kids
Chemical-Lettuce2497@reddit
My kids in reception so there isn't really much contact other than things like "he insisted on wearing shorts, his trousers are in his bag if needed"
There are a couple parents who collar the teacher at the door pretty much daily though, seems more pleasant than a whinge but I assume overbearing parents are almost as annoying as whingy ones
Optimal_Ad1488@reddit
Yup, I have spoken to the reception teacher once - another 5 year old was calling mine 'bitch'! I'd let the low level stuff go, but the teacher said I should've spoken to her about him calling her 'baby' and 'stupid' too.
PunkyFairyB@reddit
My child is in year 2.
I have emailed the school over a few things, but hopefully I'm not the problem parent!
My emails have generally been about behaviour I have had at home and warming in case it impacts on her education.
We had a situation where she was running away and ran across a busy road. I remained the school to tell them about it. I also asked what they do for road safety and staying safe by letting their adult know where they are, and if they could include it in classes in the coming weeks to reinforce the safety message.
I've had a situation where she "stole" a dry wipe marker from the class. I told them I'd had a word about how she does not take things home that aren't hers and that she was going to return it and apologise and could they make sure that they thanked her for returning it and recognising that you don't take things that aren't yours. They were a bit "it's only a pen don't worry". But I wanted them to continue the reinforcement that you do not take anything.
Finally, our dog was very ill and we thought she may die. I warned them in case she was upset about it.
Obviously I wouldn't be emailing a teacher in secondary school about these things! But when the child is 5 or 6 and it is about things like safety I feel it is important.
ApprehensiveBed304@reddit
My husband and I have direct contact with the SENCO lead. She handles all issues and gets back to us with outcomes. We had the same set up in primary school. We don’t care how we are viewed by the school as long as our son has a positive experience.
Puzzled-Sundae-3089@reddit
I tend to think we get labeled whenever we call so I save it for that one time.
I’ve had terrible interactions with the school since Covid.
Screaming educator, went to the school- she yelled at me. I escalated to admin, and nothing happened.
Went back for another fu meeting, and she did it again, I matched energy and was told I was an essentially a chronic complainer and she had 50 students, deal w it.
So I just call when I need to call and take it to the board if I need to take it to the board.
Not happened yet, but idk what else to do, if it does.
ForsakenRoom@reddit
Being the parent of a three year old and married to someone who left teaching after just 6 years (when it's supposed to be a career for life) I couldn't imagine putting more pressure on teachers than absolutely necessary. It's such an intense job and "all the holidays" don't come close to cutting it.
Curious-Term9483@reddit
I do worry about being a problem parent. BUT I have a child with a medical condition so feel like I am having to contact school all the time to ask for missed work to be shard etc.
I don't think any specific request I make is unrealistic but they don't always come back to me and so I have to follow up. I always get the feeling someone must be going "ffs, it's her again".
practicallyperfectuk@reddit
Yes as a teacher it’s so annoying. I’m a secondary subject lead and have had several different emails this week, all of which take mountains of time and are totally unnecessary - taking away from actual work…. one was a follow up to a prior email that copied in senior leaders/ deputy head and asked for revision topics for exams “as per prior email” - so rude and demanding in tone.
The topics which are glued in to the front of exercise books, are in worksheets which were given to pupils as homework and also on our website.
There has been a considerable amount of work put in to creating, sharing and printing these resources and the child in question leaves worksheets in the classroom, doesn’t bother glueing in sheets and is in detention every evening but always got an excuse to miss it.
There’s a reason they are getting poor grades and it’s nothing to do with my teaching when I have pupils with a reading age below ten able to handle the papers.
Another one sent to a colleague wants to query the coursework marking, and said their child didn’t get a “fair chance” - Long past the deadline to respond via the appeals process. Child didn’t do much work for the last two years, ignored all deadlines, attendance below 70% (and then truanted lessons regularly) and also didn’t attend a single catch up session including the ones my dept was available for over half term, plus lunch breaks and after school sessions. Their work was marked and moderated with an external subject specialist. The amount of time we have spent discussing this student, attempting to call home, waited at parents evening and now the protocol for this process etc is a joke, especially when we all know the pupils work isn’t great and it’s entirely their own fault.
Then finally another parent has been in touch about a toilet pass for their child being taken away. Last week their child blocked the sinks on two different floors with tissue paper, flooded the bathrooms and caused absolute mayhem around the building during lesson time so as a consequence they aren’t allowed to leave any classroom without permission, but can of course use the toilets at break, lunch and during transitions when there are staff on duty points at all times. This child was mentioned specifically in a whole staff meeting so we are all aware of this and one poor member of staff is responsible for all parent comms from now on.
mumwifealcoholic@reddit
A teacher once told me that I have a better chance of a good educational outcome for my child if I stay involved in their schooling.
I feel like I have to stay involved. Communication from the school is very bad, often information is not relayed or relayed late.
My son is very good academically, he is well behaved and polite. That means he is basically ignored. There is no time for him as teachers are dealing with the "bad" kids all the time.
ShrinkerLincolnshire@reddit
That’s a societal problem.
PatientPeach3309@reddit
I spoke at length with a recently retired head teacher (50+ year career) once through my work regarding the education system. She’d worked in both state and public schools. She explained to me that the current trend is showing exactly this - the kids that are academically capable (but not necessarily academic overachievers), well behaved and polite, are the ones that are being left behind at the moment. Due to not requiring the intense attention of SEND kids (which make up 1 in 3 students in our school), and not being the ones that constantly shine academically to be put forward for scholarships etc for secondary. Basically, they do the work and are cordial so they get left to their devices as a group rather than experience much one to one or even small group focus. Was an interesting insight.
c33fern@reddit
This also means that SEN kids are missed. As someone who was the academically capable, well behaved and quiet kid the fact that I was autistic and have adhd was completely missed despite how much I struggled because I “got on with it” and didn’t disrupt the class.
Streathamite@reddit
I don’t think that’s a new thing. Basically how it was when I was at school decades ago
Fudge_is_1337@reddit
Do you think this is a recent phenomenon, or perhaps once that has always been there and is worsened/better visualised now?
I kind of assumed that in basically all schools the kids who don't appear to need much oversight or interaction would get the least attention in general. Particularly when there is a group of those kinds of kids (or maybe individuals who have friends who are the high achievers and sort of get swept along - I think this was probably me in school)
UnlikelyPie8241@reddit
They always seemed to put the most disruptive child next to my well behaved son in primary school 🤨 I didn’t mind if didn’t affect his needs. They are unable to do so in secondary due to grade levels.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
I hate that feeling that the quiet kids get ignored, I really try to make sure I speak to every student in every class in every lesson. Even just a quick check in. I hope your son has at least a couple of teachers who keep an eye on him.
CarolDanversFangurl@reddit
Well I tried not being a "moaning minnie" wheb my oldest started getting bullied but absolutely nothing was done about it and by y6 she was self harming and her academic performance had dropped off a cliff despite parental support and tutoring. So instead I started phoning and calling when anyone so much as looked at her sideways and amazingly, the bullying finally got sorted but too late for her mental health. Also my youngest is on the adhd assessment path and is so distractable he literally forgets to have lunch at lunchtime. Plus he has chronic ear and lung issues.
So yes I am on the phone or sending emails A LOT. And no I don't care how I'm perceived.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
I feel like teachers these days don’t get this? They don’t realise how much of a problem bullying is because the bully’s don’t do it around them…I mean duh. Have you considered contacting the bully’s parents? This is the go to in a lot of other country’s
ShrinkerLincolnshire@reddit
A lot of the time, the bullying is not visible to teachers. So with your wealth of experience in teaching, tell me how you’re handling this situation?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Absolutely 100% legitimate reasons to be in touch with school, and I'm so sorry that's what it took to sort out the bully, that's horrendous. I hope things are turning around for your daughter, and I hope your son remembers to have his lunch today! I'm also on the pathway for some kind of assessment, so I'll try and remember too!!
Typical_Guarantee_79@reddit
I know someone who is that kind of parent. She doesn’t email often but she’s always asking to speak to the teachers at the door. I honestly feel sorry for her because I know she doesn’t mean harm but I can see that she’s a very insecure person and that spills into her child. She always needs some sort of reassurance from the teachers.
I’m the kind of parent who only communicates with school when it’s extremely important.
Forward-Swimmer-8451@reddit
It's me ...hi ...I'm the problem it's me
mynameisjodie@reddit
yes and no
no oldest
yes youngest but hes at a specialist school and we don't have a car to go to his school so everythings communicated in the diary phone calls etc so yes and i have no problems ringing the school multiple times in a day
UnhappyAd6499@reddit
Theres a staggering element of arrogance and lack of compassion to this post. Perhaps youre incompetent. Perhaps the quiet parents are neglectful. Perhaps the parents are very anxious and afraid.
What kind of teacher makes a post like this on Reddit?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
One who's dealt with the same parent over the same issue several times this week, spending at least half an hour of my PPA time just reading and replying to their emails, with questions about something they already had all the details for.
Perhaps I can tell when I'm dealing with an anxious parent.
I've had similar numbers of emails from two parents recently. One asking for clarification of things they've had all the information about already, and who emailed to complain about something happened when I wasn't at school and couldn't have done anything about the issue due to me not physically being there. One asking for clarification for things because their child is year 7 and this is the first time they've been through a particular process, and they need a bit more hand-holding. I'll give you three guesses which one I'm annoyed with.
UnhappyAd6499@reddit
If you were teaching my kids Id want you booted of out of your union, sacked and even face a tribunal for something alone the lines of NDA disclosure. You're a public servant with a code of conduct youre meant to adhere to. How about trying it?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
NDA disclosure? What are you talking about? Teachers don't sign NDAs. We also call our code of conduct the Teaching Standards, and only one bullet point refers to communication with parents with regard to pupils’ achievements and well-being. I know my Teaching Standards, you don't even know the nomenclature for what you're talking about.
flyingredwolves@reddit
I'm an ex-teacher, I leave the teachers to it.
I have phoned once in 9 years (outside of reporting absences) when my eldest was given a mystery low grade in a subject he really liked and was good at. Like two grades lower than every other subject, I was rather concerned by this.
I think it turned out the teacher had just took over the class, he tried to argue but I think he had messed up somewhere. It was back to normal next report anyway.
KnowledgeSudden3274@reddit
Retired Head here. This sort of parent often has problems which lie outside of school and their child’s school experiences. It’s no help to categorise them as ‘moaning Minnie’s’ etc. That’s demeaning and unprofessional and it doesn’t take long for parent and child to pick up on this negative branding.
In my experience these sorts of challenges can be sorted with patience and empathy and looking for some common ground to move forward.
Specialist_Emu7274@reddit
I struggled a lot in school, I was bullied a lot (& the school did nothing for far too long despite knowing) & I was undiagnosed autistic. In retrospect the individual school was not a good environment for me, but oh well. My parents rang probably once a month and it was very clear my head of year hated that & described me as ‘problematic’, despite getting good grades and never getting in trouble. My actual teachers liked my parents though.
ylime161@reddit
I talk to my kids teacher if something pops up fbut other than that I leave it alone. There's really only a handful of reasons I contact them.
Adventurous_Deal2788@reddit
a couple of times which were bullying issues and another time was complaining about the utterly shit way they dealt with said bullying issues. That was primary school. Secondary school only parents evenings and one time about exam timetables. Now ones in college and can fight her own battles (mostly)
Spare-Environment211@reddit
I think I may have become this person for my child's last year at their current school. They came out as gender questioning after last year really struggling with mental health and body dysmorphia. It got to the point where I was hiding knifes, scissors etc. The things i read in his diary broke my heart. They have been a god send but i did really have to push for a meeting and imply that i would just sit and wait in the reception until they heard me out. Then recently he also has gone through a phase where he collapsed having a jab recently so worry over that as he just wouldnt go to first aid independently and speak up, so i asked if they can check in for that too.
ive just been desperate for any support they can give him. Which honestly isnt loads but is just keeping a close relationship with them and offering a safe space to be open about their true selves. While trying to juggle my own mental health as its given me huge anxiety and ive had a referral for therapy. I dont ring all the time, but it tends to be around any event at school such as a residential or end of term we have a phone call to 'review' how things are going their end.
I feel awful because I'm a teaching assistant so I see how hard it is for teachers to do everything for these kids alongside being a teacher but the bonds my child has had with some members of staff at his school may have been the reason he was able to stay strong through some really dark moments. I also work with reception age children and mine is 13, so I feel like I can justify it because im not messaging about a lost jumper or because they got told off for not tidying up lol!
luckyowl91@reddit
My kids school never heard a peep from me until my daughter got bullied and sent death threats through text last year The next morning I rained hell fire on the school. They dealt with it instantly but definitely remembered who I am because when my autistic son had a bullying incident this year, before the day was even over where he could tell me about it they called me at home. Explained exactly what happened, explained how they dealt with it out how they are going to prevent it. They know they won't hear from me unless I HAVE to such as calling them in sick or if there's an Incident. They don't seem don't seem to hate me or hold it against my son cos they always chat to us when we come in the gate and and he gets chosen for things all the time. I just don't tolerate bullying
Final_You7315@reddit
I can share an angle on being the child with the pestering parents?
I wasn't aware that my dad pestered and pushed the school, during year 10 my lovely maths teacher approached me, informed me I was doing really well at maths (because he was an awesome teacher) and offering to move me up a set. To my 14 year old brain this was awesome as my friends were in the higher set so I could be with them.
I agreed, got shifted up, and that teacher was awful, he treated me terribly and quite often targeted me and was sarcastic about errors I made. I was never a big fan of maths but that guy made me absolutely hate maths (I'm 40 and I still get actively stressed out by maths).
Long story short, it turns out my dad had pestered the school about my maths and basically harassed them into moving me up a set without my knowledge. This teacher must have thought I was in on it (when I though I'd actually achieved a lot to get there) and disliked my dad being pushy and decided to take it out on me.
Basically its the kid that suffers, and the unprofessional teachers that exist that punish the unknowing child for the parents pushiness. Don't be that parent, and if you're the teacher dealing with it, be aware that the kid may have no idea and treat them with kindness.
ComplexBeautiful5152@reddit
I never really emailed school when they were in primary. I do now my son is at secondary school. Mainly for silly stuff like he has left his laptop in class! I do however do a annual email in September. Politely asking for the school to enlighten parents in how to not park like idiots which means kids crossing is very dangerous. I live opposite the school!.
Interesting-Cash6009@reddit
The vast majority of parents are too busy and rarely have a teenager who will communicate anything that is happening at school as it is running smoothly for them.
There are the occasional teenagers who do communicate to their parents and are not finding things running so fairly or smoothly for them and this shall increase communications between those parents and the school.
cari-strat@reddit
I'm not a whinger but but I absolutely will phone up or email when they get things seriously wrong in a way which impacts my child.
We had one spell where my SEN child's accommodations were just being thrown to the wind and there was no way I was tolerating that.
We also had one teacher who was hopeless with the behaviour points system and routinely gave negatives to the wrong kids, or issued them for not completing stuff they had actually handed in, and you can bet that was picked up every time. I won't have incorrect records that can affect their reputations in future settings.
I'm never rude or aggressive, I'm extremely polite, state the facts, and ask for it to be handled in an appropriate timescale.
In return I do my bit. My child is present, in the correct clothing, with all their kit, their homework done, and expectations regarding their efforts and behaviour. I have never missed a parents' evening. I expect to be contacted if there is a problem and I will deal with it. I don't think it's unreasonable to hold the school to the same standards.
Novel-Case6821@reddit
I used to care and get really bothered that I might be annoying. Now I know that I'm speaking up when there is an issue and I'll speak in a reasonable way (but I'll be on it until conclusion) I don't worry about it. I'd never start shouting etc so if I'm perceived as a bit annoying - oh well.
Puzzled-Job9556@reddit
I have the opposite problem with the school contacting too much with seemingly unnecessary emails.
Randa08@reddit
I don't have anything to do with my youngest son school because the office staff shouted at me down the phone. I don't even go to parents evenings anymore. It was his dad's fault so I told him he has to deal with them now. They are so sexist, will not say anything to him and then jump on me because I'm the mum.
Forward-Swimmer-8451@reddit
I'm on pta and my kid is sen. So I absolute contact my school way to often haha eg so and so is in physio next week etc 🤣 but the school contact me for favours eg will I do x at school fair etc but I never contact for stupid things like homework clarification etc
tiphphin@reddit
My son's previous school would contact us regularly to tell us that my son was being put into isolation because a group of friends (but not him) escaped one day.
Or that he was losing all his break and lunchtime for several weeks for an incident in which CCTV showed he was not involved.
So, yeah, I contacted them quite often. Mostly to tell the to stop contacting me with their insanity. It's only when I complained to the governors that I fully realised that they were actually doing it on purpose and that the culture of bullying was an important part of their strategy.
I still can't work out why they insisted on inviting argument. Perhaps they were just taking out the stresses of the job on us?
I ended up not particularly worrying about how they perceived me. I was hoping they would do us all a favour and kick him out, as I had entirely failed to convince him to leave of his own choice.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
That sounds absolutely awful!
tiphphin@reddit
Not as awful as what they did to my foster son...
Still, they are both at other institutions now and are both thriving.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Glad to hear it <3
digglydogglydang@reddit
I know I contact the school more than others BUT, my kid has medical needs and it is usually to update them on things to do with health professionals. Multiple times however the school have put my child in danger and ignored my child when they spoke up as to how they were feeling, so I called them out on it and demanded that every adult who has any contact with my child understands her health condition and what is to be expected, also that if she is feeling unwell I need to know immediately as it could mean I need to call the dr or it could mean a trip to the hospital. I don’t think the head teacher likes me, she never has and I don’t like her either (most people don’t including other teachers.) do I care? Nope. My child’s physical and mental health is what is most important to me.
TheWriteQuestion@reddit
I have a son with anxiety and some other neurodivergence. He’s honestly doing better than I expected in kindergarten, and his classroom teacher “gets him” to a level I couldn’t have banked on. Other school staff would have no idea he’s having issues, but he comes home and cries to me about their behavior. I don’t think the school staff are doing anything objectively wrong, just things that don’t work well for my child.
One of the things that’s important to work on for my son is self-advocacy, and a step toward self-advocacy is seeing that others are willing to advocate on your behalf if you name your problem. So I am the naturally low-maintenance person who has an irrational fear of inconveniencing people… who is now trying to get over myself to contact the school regarding my son’s struggles.
So yes, I DO care about being seen as a whining Willy/helicopter parent. And it’s worse because the school doesn’t see him having a hard time. (It’s only after we’re home that he’ll spend an hour weeping over the injustice of how the library handles treats for getting your work done.) I do a lot of calculations because I don’t want to be dismissed, and I don’t want them to get defensive, but I do want them to be able to make informed decisions based on how their actions are negatively affecting my child.
backwards-inside-@reddit
I’ve got a friend who is that parent. And she knows she is that parent, she also feels bad being that one. But she is a massive overthinker, so if she doesn’t send that email she will get even worse about it and passes the worry onto the kids. I think she is just genuinely incapable of leaving things be. She doesn’t mean to be a pest.
However there are others who genuinely don’t care if they’re pissing you off and are proper Karen’s. That’s a different kettle of fish all together.
I am the one that you will see at parents eve but only emails if necessary. 😆
Laylelo@reddit
She needs therapy. A parent like this is an absolute nightmare who passes the misery not only to their own children, but to other kids as well, and takes up the teacher’s time leading to poorer outcomes for everyone.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
Would prefer that over a parent that doesn’t care any day.
Laylelo@reddit
They are both detrimental to their child’s education but only one also harms the experience of other children, and it’s the overthinker who passes anxiety onto children and then causes issues with relationships and squanders time when they should be learning.
donalmacc@reddit
That's her problem, and it's not fair of her to burden the teacher with her unresolved issues.
ohnobobbins@reddit
Could you try to help your friend to see a therapist? This sounds like a very uncomfortable way to live, and terrible for her children.
professorrev@reddit
I think a lot depends on the teacher, and no contact isn't necessarily always a good thing. We had a real issue in my son's previous school where we'd hear nothing for weeks and then we'd be called in for a half terms worth of issues. They just didn't seem to grasp the idea of "if you'd have told us three weeks ago when the problem first emerged, we could have nipped it in the bud and wouldn't be here now"
Things are a lot more collaborative in his current school and everything runs much smoother, but even then, I'm probably only messaging once every three weeks or so. If I was the teacher and someone was pestering me every day, it would do my nut
Gremlin_1989@reddit
I feel like I contact my daughters teachers a lot. Although frequently it is 'Child is saying their ill, she's being a drama queen don't sent her home. If she was really ill I wouldn't have sent her in in the first place'. But there other things like 'do you want to send the box of rocks home, whilst they are on a show and tell ban'. I did a PGCE, I try to be a supportive parent, not a nagging one.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
Please, if you don’t like parents being concerned about their children, do not be a teacher. The uk has a massive issue with bullying and lack of learning due to disruptive students not only being tolerated but rewarded. These parents kids are expected to send their kids 5 days a week out of 7 to a place where if they’re bullied, nothing will be done. As a child you are extremely vulnerable to emotional trauma. Bullying leads to personality disorders and mental illness at this delicate age. Maybe be a better leader, stop enabling these students that stop hundreds learning, actually protect vulnerable (children) and they wouldn’t have to call you constantly.
King_Six_of_Things@reddit
My ex-wife was/is the school liaison for our family and contact (other than necessary stuff like parent's evenings etc) is only when she/we feel their had been some unfairness involved. E.g. our youngest got a detention for something that was (a) unproven, (b) entirely out of character, (c) an allegation by mates of the other pupil (a known toerag).
Once we'd satisfied ourselves that our son was being straight with us, Mum essentially set out on a mini campaign to get the detention expunged.
She succeeded because she won't put up with being fobbed off and she's very clear and logical with her arguments. She's never abusive or derogatory to the school, but she 100% will not back down.
We don't give a single fuck if she's labelled. Tbh we'd rather she have a reputation that, if she shows up, you better have your shit in order. More than one teacher has learned that lesson.
We support and back the school whenever and wherever it is correct to do so (e.g. with detentions, homework, etc). We tolerate no bad behaviour or slacking in studies. Fortunately, we have good kids that get excellent grades and a healthy friend group so these kind of occurrences are free and far between (example, our youngest has just two detentions over this whole school year, both for late homework, and none in 2026)
Annual-Sea-5887@reddit
I don’t call weekly I actually send emails regarding supporting my children if they need it. I’m not rude and I want to work with the school/teachers to support my children or the child in question.
I do not care if I’m seen as problematic. Not one bit. As long as I’m not being rude and asking things in line with policy then not my problem.
If teachers treated my kids differently they would tell me and of course there would be another email and meeting because of this.
I’m the best advocate for my children.
I also understand that parents we can be excessive at times and I’m constantly making sure that I’m within reason. Schools and teachers are not the villains or magicians and it’s my responsibility to support them in educating my children and meeting their needs.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
I love that thought - we're not villains or magicians. Thank you <3
Annual-Sea-5887@reddit
You’re most welcome. I truly feel that most of the problems is misunderstanding and parents not putting in enough time. For example I have a parent complain that her child can’t read and write properly at their level and their the teacher isn’t supporting the child, but then the teacher has 30 children, some with additional needs and 1 TA to cover that child/ children and the rest of the classroom too. The parent themselves never do homework, I mean no homework sent from school saying the teacher will do it next time the child is in school. So now how is the teacher supposed to do all the things 😵💫, they’re humans not robots. If most parents asked their children’s teachers how can we work with you to support our child they will see a massive difference in my opinion.
AcademyCat1719@reddit
Communication from my kids school is appalling, every parent I know has consistently complained about it and it never changes, we've been dealing with it for seven years and it's deeply frustrating.
My eldest is dyslexic, pretty obvious to me from a young age as I have a dyslexic sibling and could clearly see my own child having the same troubles. I started trying to raise concerns in P2, so I guess equivalent to English y1 if P1 would be reception. I tried talking directly to the teacher, was told to keep away from her and not approach her in the playground, sent a message through the homework app- was told my child had been assessed and was working at the appropriate level- I could see this wasn't the case, called and asked to set up a meeting with the teacher- no can't do that it has to be management, so I emailed management who suddenly got back to me saying oops actually my child is 3 reading grades ahead of where they thought. Teacher stonewalled and refused to communicate at ever step. It took till P6 of constant fighting to finally get an assessment and diagnosis.
On another occasion a teacher lost her shit and screamed (literally, by her own admission) in my child's face because the behaviour of other children which my child wasn't involved in had gotten to her (again by her own admission and apologies my kid wasn't involved).
As parents all we want to is to be working collaboratively with the school in our children's best interests, but when these insane barriers are put up it makes it impossible and you feel like the only way to get anywhere is to hassle. We've also had some excellent teachers over the years and had minimal contact with those ones because there was no need to be constantly at them. Sadly the school never retains those ones and it's always a year supply or probationer contract then they're gone.
So nah I no longer give a shit what these people think of me or if they roll their eyes when they get contact from me because my responsibility is to my child. We've had no issues with my youngest because he's 'easy' with no additional needs but I'll absolutely advocate for either of them if needed because from experience if I don't they'll be disregarded.
LeonsFloppyHair@reddit
Never, I let the school get on with things. But every day there's usually some meddling mummy blocking the path at the school gate having a good old chinwag and moan. Fuck off and let people pass.
bethelns@reddit
Mines in reception so we usually end up messaging the staff via the app 2 or 3 times a term. Kid has a chroinic health condition so its usually about that or medical appointments, occasionally to check if what weve been told by kid is right (like sunscreen policies)
We always message during school hours whenever possible and never past 5.30, and we dont expect replies instantly if needed.
unbelievablydull82@reddit
I have three autistic kids, having a close relationship with the school is pretty vital to making sure any support they need us consistent across the board. Having said that, it's not always the case, so we are happy to keep on top of them if there's any issues
Feisty_Salamander41@reddit
same, except we have 2 not 3. Im sure we contact the schools more than usual but I feel every time is necessary and to be fair most teachers are shit with nurodiverse kids
unbelievablydull82@reddit
When our eldest two were in mainstream primary school, it was an absolute disaster. Unfortunately, the ASD school we sent out daughters too has turned out worse. We've been lucky that our son,( the eldest), has been in very good sense schools since, although it's kind of backfired, as now he's struggling with having to leave this year
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
More than usual but absolutely necessarily! Our school-home-child relationship is vital, and open lines of communication are so important for this. I'm so sorry your children's needs are not being supported fully. Keep talking to the SENDCo and their team, and I hope things get better.
Feisty_Salamander41@reddit
We are in a pretty good position right now in terms of SEND etc, its the day to day teachers who don't understand and don't seem to care. We had an older teacher tell our 8yr old last month that her handwriting was disgusting. Obviously we put in a complaint but they just don't understand how far something like that pushes the kids back and ruins their confidence.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
That's awful :-( I have similar stories from among my colleagues, unfortunately, but not many these days. I ran some training on a simple change everyone could make, which took about 2 minutes, and would make a huge difference to certain students with SEND (I'm being deliberately vague, because if I'm not, I'll doxx myself!) Some of my colleagues moaned about it behind my back and didn't see why they should do this one simple thing. It doesn't make anyone else's life harder but it makes some kids' lives easier. Why would you not want to do it?!
caprikhat@reddit
I want to get involved in my children's learning as they are competent learners. However, they don't want me to intervene when things go wrong as they don't want to be labelled as being the problem kids. For example, son is currently in his first year of A levels and was predicted A's however for one of his subjects his teacher has now predicted him E. Son has been telling his love of the subject has been ruined by this teacher. Teaching is difficult and not all students learn the same way, son's reasoning is that he is being penalised for his attitude to learning, unfortunately the teaching method just doesn't seem to gel and this is the only teacher the school has. Son doesn't want me to get involved as it'll ruin the tenuous relationship they have.
MonkeyHamlet@reddit
I emailed and phoned every day for a term to deal with the little scrotes the teacher ignored bullying my autistic son. I don’t give a flying fuck if you don’t like me for it.
AttersH@reddit
Very, very rarely. I also have nothing to ask at parents evening either, other than ‘are they happy & doing OK’? I do acknowledge I have two neurotypical children who like school, are well behaved & get along well with academics. We’ve had no issues so far in terms of friendships/bullying etc.
Malagate3@reddit
I would imagine most parents have different criteria for what would require contacting the school, my eldest seems to have had almost no cause for us to call the school, and instead it may be that the school contacted us about them more often than we called the school (still rare, usually due to an ailment, once just a miscommunication).
The youngest however, was non-verbal during reception and had a diagnosis to match, that was difficult and we were in touch frequently. Our youngest has since developed, including becoming verbal, however they're still a little behind on academic performance and they have some behaviours that don't gel with normal school routines. I think we should probably be in touch more often, usually I'd only contact the teacher if my child is upset at the end of the day (which can be harder when our child reports the problem is the teacher or another teacher).
Supslick@reddit
When I was a teacher, I didn't mind the anxious parents wanting to speak to me at all, I knew it would help them. I was more annoyed by the parents who didn't give a fuck - always forgot everything or purely didn't care and left their kids feeling left out. It got to the point for one kid I bought some clothes for non-uniform day, bought a book for another when the book fair came and started to keep spare snacks and fruit in so they were never left out. I was a single parent working full time too but I tried my best to never forget.
As a parent to a teenager now I'm much less involved unless something serious happens and I think from having been a teacher I do weigh up both sides better now.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Oh those sorts of parents are a whole other Reddit post!
Sadly, in over 20 years, I've never worked in a school where we didn't provide clean uniform, shoes, pe kit, food, or other supplies to the kids that needed it. There's other stuff that kids can be short of which is harder to sort out with a shopping trip. Despite what other commenters might think, my classroom has always been a place where the students know they are safe and valued. Feeling comfortable with the adult in the room and knowing you're safe has to come first before any teaching can take place.
halfempty357@reddit
I tried to never contact the school, our kids had a great primary school. One time I did need to raise an issue was they had the whole school singing a sexist song for Mother’s Day. They reviewed and agreed to stop using it. Other than that I left them to it , I trusted them to know how to teach far better than me, it’s their job!
Laylelo@reddit
Which song?
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Oh my god, now I want to know the lyrics!!!
Sea_Influence7197@reddit
My son was SEN and was extremely quiet in school. He didn't cause a fuss and had plenty of friends but he needed extra support and encouragement. The teachers were appalling towards us as parents and even suggested that him being so quiet was due to abuse at home or selective mutism. One even went so far as to tell us that he shouldn't be in mainstream schooling. There was no abuse at home and his being quiet in school turned out to be the result of hearing loss and fear of being shown up in class. My husband and I worked in a child services setting and encouraged assessments and the intervention of educational psychology. We were definitely seen as busy bodies and interfering. He left that school and went to another where he flourished. He went to an excellent university and now has his own business. I still get angry thinking about those awful teachers who treated us and our son so poorly.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
That is really awful. I'm glad to hear that was a happier ending!
Sea_Influence7197@reddit
It was and we are really proud of him. I just wish that some teachers wouldn't make assumptions about parents. I get that they are overworked (I worked in public services all of my life too with very challenging clients) but surely parents that care too much are infinitely better than ones that don't give a shit.
Comfortable-Bug1737@reddit
I'm in contact as my children need certain provisions but they never really get back to me, hence why I am forever contacting them for answers haha. I get them eventually
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
In those cases, you have to be the squeaky hinge!!
Comfortable-Bug1737@reddit
Yeah, I think they dislike me but I'm okay with that haha
Crazytimesinlove21@reddit
For some people you’re looking after their entire world (child) while they are at school.
If you find that questions are being raised about emails etc sent out then have look at the emails and see if they could be worded clearer. I’d hazard a guess that this would cut a few responses out
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
That would be true if more than one parent emailed to ask for clarity. If only one parent gets in touch, that indicates an issue with their understanding rather than my communication. On top of that, there are already checks in place for this - I can't send anything out without my line manager checking it first.
Crazytimesinlove21@reddit
So if one child in your class didn’t understand something, it’s the child’s problem ?
Glad you’re not teaching my kids !
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Some people are now saying reading a letter and learning in a classroom setting are two different things. Shocking, I know!
Kimbob1234@reddit
I've been trying to get help for my daughter since she started secondary school as she was very anxious and had low self esteem. She's now doing her GCSEs and has only recently met a brilliant teacher who seems to get her! She's done nurture groups which were helpful at the time but anything else has been false promises. They helped refer her for an Autism assessment (only 2yrs sgo so still waiting) but I've had to email, call & meet with pastoral because they don't do anything. They said they would put her in for counselling through the school but that never happened. If schools answered and actually DID something, we wouldn't have to keep on. I'm not a nag but when it comes to my child, Mama Bear comes out!
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Sounds like you need to nag a bit more!! Why did the counselling not happen?
BadgerFarm@reddit
I have a 8yr old who is currently in and out of school a lot due to severe ND. I am incredibly conscious of pestering brilliant hard working teachers who are already overworked. I try and work with them, and I'm conscious of thanking them and letting them know how much I (genuinely) appreciate their efforts to be flexible and accommodating, but I can't help but think they must feel annoyed at us creating more work for them and also that they think I'm just a bit useless as a parent. However, as much as I do care about being seen as a whinging willy (and creating more work for them), I care far more about providing the right environment for my child.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Not at all! You are absolutely right to be contacting school as much as you are! I hope you and the school can all work together to make your child's time at school as supportive and effective as possible.
chaospixiestitches@reddit
My eldest is ASD/ADHD and school absolutely do not meet his needs. So I dont care how am seen, I will contact as much as necessary to get my child what he needs.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
As you should! Find out which governor oversees SEND and go over the SENDCo's head!
chaospixiestitches@reddit
Yup. Fed up of telling them "I do not authorise detentions given purely because he's a slow worker" grrr
tadpole-bear@reddit
These are the same parents on the class WhatsApp group chat, which has PE days and inset days and extra curriculars listed in the description, together with links to the school calendar and absence reporting and policies, who are on there daily going “is today a school day? Can I leave my kid at school overnight? Is drop off still the same time?”
Don’t underestimate the stupidity of people.
kestrelita@reddit
I contact my daughter's school pretty much every day for work, I try to speak to them as little as possible outside of work! I do engage as needed, go to parents evenings etc. I cried on the SENCO once but I try to forget about that.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
If they're anything like our SENDCo, they don't mind being cried on and are also quite used to it!
snowdrop0901@reddit
Im the admin for a small primary school.
Just me. I see all the emails and all the phonecalls....we dont give out teachers emails so they literally all come to me.
People should be ashamed. But they do not care.
"Has sports day been cancelled".....its fucking pissing it down...what do you think...nevermind the 2 texts and the email that has already been sent out saying it was cancelled!
"So is it happening tomorrow instead".....the grass is a swamp....once again what do you think! Regardless of the email and text that was sent out saying it will be rearranged after half term!!
And yes. You read that right. 2 texts and an email were sent that sports day was cancelled and a further text and email was sent to say it was cancelled and will be rearranged after half term...so 3 total texts and 2 emails. I still got a call asking if it was happening this morning.
And no. I cant just not send the texts and emails, because imo it is too much, because then we get complaints parents were never informed.
Capable_Tip7815@reddit
I only contact the school,via an app, to report an absence. Same when The Child was in primary school.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
I'm enjoying that you have capitalised The Child.
a-punk-is-for-life@reddit
I possibly was seen as "that" parent to my autistic daughter who was bullied. School didn't do a thing about the bullying and whereas some teachers were marvellous with ant accommodations others were not and overall helped her school career be absolutely shite. I had to advocate for my child because in a massive school (350 pupil intake each year and a year 7 to 13 school) she got lost otherwise.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Flipping heck, that's a big school!! Being in touch more often is absolutely normal when your child has additional needs, there's no issue there. I'm really sorry your daughter was bullied and I'm sorry the school didn't help more. I hope she's doing ok now.
-EachPeachPearPlum-@reddit
I contacted my eldest school when they said she was working at a grade 4 in geography when everything else is grade 7-9. Turns out they haven't had a geography teacher for 13 weeks and they've had a different temp for virtually every lesson, and not learnt a thing. Not acceptable. I couldn't care less what the teachers think of me, if I'm being honest. Perhaps I'm biased because I hated school, and part of me still does (I have never said this to my children though). I dislike the whole system and the way some teachers have this whole 'holier than thou' attitude. And while I'm generally a calm person, I will happily kick up a shit storm if it concerns my children's welfare and future
face-cake@reddit
You realise it’s not the schools fault if they can’t find a teacher to fill the role? If nobody applies to be the geography teacher at that school there’s not much that can be done except have a temp fill the gap.
Try not to be biased. This is a different school in a different time than the one you experienced, and every teacher I know tries their hardest for all their pupils and wants them to succeed.
-EachPeachPearPlum-@reddit
Who's fault is it then? Because it's certainly not my daughters, yet her and her peers were the ones who suffered because of this. The whole class was graded at a level 4. Again, it's unacceptable.
face-cake@reddit
I’d say it’s the fault of an underfunded education system that’s increased the workload and responsibilities which mean teaching is no longer an attractive career.
If there’s an open vacancy and nobody applies what are the school supposed to do, kidnap a geography teacher from another school? Never said it was your daughter’s fault; maybe direct your frustration at your local MP or the DfE rather than a school who have no control over their ability to hire non-existent teachers.
-EachPeachPearPlum-@reddit
You're not understanding my frustration. Why grade the whole class at low level, rather than just admit they haven't actually taught them anything so it wouldn't be fair to grade them.
face-cake@reddit
Because that’s not the true mark they’ve received? If they’re not learning because they don’t have an appropriate teacher that doesn’t change the level of knowledge they have or need. They either have the knowledge or they do not. It would be worse to score them highly and have kids and parents think they’re doing well, then get assessed nationally/ GSCE then have them do badly because everyone believed they were doing well.
At least by scoring poorly you can evidence the impact that the lack of a good teacher is having and then request catch up-sessions/ study support to fill the gap.
-EachPeachPearPlum-@reddit
Of courses it changes the level of knowledge they need. They sat an end of term paper, consisting of things they haven't been taught at all, and they were graded on it. How does this not make sense to you? How is it acceptable to grade children on things they have not been taught? Had my daughter have been taught the things in the paper, I suspect she would be achieving a 7-9 like every other class she is in.
jilljd38@reddit
Don't honestly care I'm my child's advocate, if my child is in the wrong they will know about it but if the school/ teacher is in the wrong I will make sure you know about it I will always have my child's back , think you can make my child sit on the floor because there's not enough chairs absolutely not he's not an animal ,
nicetoursmeetewe@reddit
Ok Karen
jilljd38@reddit
Aww thanks member Karen luvs ya 😘
Prior-Explanation389@reddit
Out of interest, is it usually the mums that tend to be the problem parents?
jow1987@reddit
I only ever message when there is a genuine need. Normally start the message with "I am so sorry for messaging you out of teaching time"
We have class dojos and I really like that you can contact teachers through it. All thr teachers I have contacted have been lovely and thankful that I have spoken to them.
Reasons I have contacted them...
Year 5 daughter... - stating she didn't have enough time to eat lunch - just wanted clarification on what the protocol was and as suspected they do have enough time. This did prompt the teacher doing a class about the importance of eating and having enough energy for the school day.
her being ill and asking if there was any learning she should be doing at home.
asking for book suggestions after parents evening. She finished their phonics program years ago and I wanted to make sure we had decent books at home for her.
when her and her "friends" were having issues every day. Was a heads up message saying I knew they were girls being girls, but it was getting too much.
when my daughter and her friend were being bullied by a year 6. Turns out the whole thing was already being investigated but I had extra content to give them.
My year 3 daughter.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Just one quick response, if your child is ill at home, they shouldn't be doing any school work! We'll catch them back up when they're in. Obviously doesn't apply to things like a broken leg, but for an illness, don't do any work, just let them rest!
jow1987@reddit
She wasn't ill ill, which is the only reason I asked. She had had a cold and then got a huge sty on her eye - it was full of puss and we were waiting for it to burst!
Her teacher did say to just read and do ttrs and let her rest!
The sty burst that Dan and she was promptly back at school!
My girls school is hot on attendance so I always feel guilty for keeping them out! The only time I have everpulled them out together was when there was a stomach bug going round. My eldest got it after they let a child back into school after 24 hours. Within a few days half the class was off. I kept both kids off as I didn't feel the school was dealing with it properly and I was heavily pregnant at the time!
HanAVFC@reddit
I work in education too, but not first school age anymore. I try and limit my contact because I know how difficult the job. But I have to be honest when she first started in reception it was the first time she'd gone to a setting I had not seen the "behind the scenes" of and I was really anxious. There is also a very strict court order and her father isn't allowed to collect her from school. So I know I touched based more than other parents and was probably a pain in the bum, but I did explain and the school were and still are amazing.
Now a days it's just parents evening and if something has happened I need to report too them, plus I teach at a college and have students go there as work placement sometimes so I do see more "behind the scenes" haha!
Treadonmydreams@reddit
I contact my child's class teachers when I need to, either by email, a quick chat at pickup or requesting a meeting if needed. I'll also quickly warn them of anything that might affect my child's behaviour that day at dropoff.
I'd say it averages out around 2-3 times per term, but a lot of that is to do with my child's extra support needs. I imagine as they get older it may reduce.
I'll contact the office if I have an admin query or wider complaint but that's quite rare.
The school (infants) actively encourages this, though and none of the class teachers have ever complained or made me feel unwelcome to do that (at least not to my face!).
I'm a little anxious not to be "that parent" and I always try to work with the staff rather than against them. Hopefully they don't have a dartboard of me in the staffroom!
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
If your child has Addison needs, it's absolutely fine to be in touch as much as you need to! Plus, I'm primary, a class teacher has 32 students maximum, usually, whereas in secondary, like I say, I have over 500! We can't do quick catch up chats with that many parents!
thereisalwaysrescue@reddit
My son is 9, and he’s at a specialist provision. I email most days with either a thank you or “what can I do at home to help you”. I always over apologise as I don’t want teachers to think I’m a moaning mum, but I’m so anxious as he had a terrible start in mainstream and I don’t want him to become another statistic of a lad with ADHD getting into trouble.
Once a term I meet with the teacher and she reassures me that my son is absolutely fine.
I am fully aware that I am involved more than other parents, and I’m okay with that. I’m his mum and his education is the most important thing along with his health and happiness.
twopaddlesnoboat@reddit
Aware this isn't the point of the thread, but would you mind sharing a little bit about how your son is doing at specialist provision after a rocky start at mainstream? Is he happier in himself?
I have an 8YO who isn't coping in mainstream (has been on a reduced timetable of 1.5-3hr/day most of the year) for similar reasons and the school have just told us they're unable to meet his needs.
thereisalwaysrescue@reddit
He is SO much happier, I stopped the flexi school as it was pointless. Him going for 1.5hrs, doing a days work in 30 mins and then him playing alone on a Chromebook was not beneficial. I homeschooled him to bridge the gap. We are 2 years into the SEN provision and he is healthy, happy, and educated.
I was really against a SEN provision and sometimes I do feel like my son would be better somewhere else; he has inattentive ADHD and has never been agressive or violent, while some kids in the class are violent and have scared him. But overall he has done well.
My inbox is always open!
yourefunny@reddit
My son is in reception so I haven't even had a full year of school yet. But I would say the majority of parents care, but are fucking busy! The parent teacher meeting once a term is a 15 minute zoom type call that will cut you off the second it hits 15 mins. Almost all parents I know are able to be there for those calls.
I am on the whatsapp group for the class and you can tell there are a handful of parents who are really ON IT! They help everyone by adding calendar invites for things. Know when events are happening and what to bring. I think most have older kids in the same school so have been through what needs to be done etc. It is increadibly helpful.
I think most parents are just working so much that things slip by.
I have noticed one of two parents at drop off who are pretty consistently needing to speak with teachers or the head who is at the door every morning. Most of the conversations will be a bit testy! With the (usually) Mum wanting something to be done for their kid etc. And the teachers explaining that is not really how things are done etc.
I know my Mum was not loved by my teachers and house masters 20+ years ago. I was at boarding school and she would not shy away from things. An Irish nurse who does not mince her words. She made my house master cry one time. A very stoic and strong willed man. ha.
jiggymiggy@reddit
My daughter is in primary school and I’ve always felt very wary of emailing unless it’s for a good reason as I don’t like to think of myself as an annoyance on top of an already demanding job. On top of that when I have emailed my daughter’s teacher her replies come outside school hours which I feel is really unfair for her. One was on a Sunday evening! They’ve always been amazing (i had cancer 3 years ago and the support for my daughter and our whole family was absolutely incredible) but…yeah. I do put off getting in contact through guilt.
FeralSquirrels@reddit
Only ever to ask for more information regarding any negative incidents at the school relative to my own offspring. i.e if they've gotten in trouble for something and there's no notes/info so I want to know what's happened, or on rare occasions it seeming wildly out of character so I've wanted to check it was actually correct.
School doesn't seem to mind and I'm always respectful of them taking the time and getting back to me - as well as very thankful in the first place them letting me know of things even if it's a mistake.
Literally the only other time has been to once ask if there's a way to get feedback when work hours meant I couldn't make parents evening, or to be put on a reserve list for a trip/event when it was fully booked.
Never once thought I was a pain in the arse nor told I was one (without the same words) or gotten the feeling I was either!
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Everything you've described is absolutely normal communication, don't worry about it!
mad_saffer@reddit
If I have a question I ask it. I've only put my metaphorical boxing gloves on a few times when it was absolutely necessary and the bullying has escalated to the point the police had to be involved. I'm fairly sure the head of year rolls his eye whenever he gets an email from me, but tbh I'd rather he rolls his eyes and knows that I care about my child and how they are doing and show up for parent/teacher meetings than trigger any kind of safeguarding concerns due to being completely uninvolved.
Miss_Type@reddit (OP)
Absolutely understandable when there's been bullying, and I'm sorry that happened to your child. I hope they're doing ok.
Few-Pepper858@reddit
Christ. I could never be a teacher.
mronion82@reddit
My parents were both teachers. Nearly all my teachers said I'd be really good at it but having seen it from mum's side... no thanks.
yearsofpractice@reddit
Hey OP. Married father of two school-aged kids here. I have always been interested in these kind of social mores, conventions and standards.
After a great deal of (amateur) research and consideration I’ve come to the following conclusion which I use to give context to your observation: by and large, people are just cunts
CrimpsShootsandRuns@reddit
I don't know if we contact them more than others, but I only contact over genuinely important stuff. Eg, my daughter injured her head in school and the teachers never informed us, nor did an injury report. It was bad enough that she complained of it hurting for days afterwards, so we brought that to their attention. Then the same happened with her ankle a couple of months later. Both times she went to the teacher crying and both times she was told "You'll be fine" and we only heard of it from our daughter.
My wife gets a bit nervous about complaining, but I couldn't care less. If they're doing something so objectively wrong, then they need to know about it, and my daughters need to know that I have their back.
ceb1995@reddit
Son's at a Sen school and he's non verbal, so we have a system where recorded messages are sent back and forth each day since he can't tell them if he's not eaten much for breakfast etc, but I ve only contacted them for support with a problem with NHS depts that I got very stuck on or the one absence he's had specifically. I would hate to ask a question when the answer already exists somewhere and his school is faultless so their communication on events is generally very good anyway, so grateful for them all wished they got paid more.
funlovinpotato@reddit
I never contact my child's school unless a grandparent is picking them up instead of me. Or if I need to take them out of school for an appointment. I'll ask other parents about something instead of asking the school 😅
Strong_Roll5639@reddit
Not had to yet and she's in year 5
Grand-Caregiver9997@reddit
I am a qualified teacher and did my placement at a very very very bad school, what shocked me is the vast majority of parent did not interact with the school at any point, didn't even attend parents evening which I found insane as at my school pretty much everyone's parents did.
Danimalomorph@reddit
Your classroom must be huge.
cheandbis@reddit
*finishes register, lunch bell rings
-TheHumorousOne-@reddit
It'll be the end of the day if it's a substitute teacher.
A-Aron!
Big_Cheese16@reddit
I usually try and catch them at pick up, to check in with how's the days been. As we are having behavioural issues at the moment.
JenSteele2020@reddit
Not school age but preschool, and I expect there will be little difference in how I am when my oldest starts reception in September.
I try not to be bothersome, and I always feel guilty when I do have to email - but I try to only do it when I feel I have to. When I do drop-offs, I tend to try give the teachers/adults a heads up if there’s anything going on (if she’s having a bad listening day for example or if she’s particularly excited about something) just so they can be prepared.
I’ve had to email the manager a couple of times, but I try to avoid it unless necessary.
HopeWolfie18@reddit
As a parent of a young child, where I’ve had to recently go in to nursery to address something - quite frankly I don’t care. My child is number one priority over anything else in my life. Especially in nursery where I’m paying for the services! I don’t have a school age child, but I wouldn’t be shy about getting in contact if I felt it was needed to support my child.
FunkyYoghurt@reddit
As an ex-teacher it was nice to have a pestering parent. They can get annoying but they give a shit.
Skymningen@reddit
My mum was a teacher. AND she was the parent who spoke up. The parent other parents asked to speak up for them even. And there were teachers who were annoyed by it and teachers who loved the feedback and knowledge about problems they might not have been aware of otherwise.
poptimist185@reddit
Some give a shit, some just genuinely like arguments and feeling like the whole world is against them.
Super-Craig@reddit
Fairy regularly, maybe a few times a month, usually to speak with the Headmaster about donations or to ask permission for during term time breaks for my children. I'm never on the phone for more than a minute or two though.
TrackTeddy@reddit
I would imagine that most moaning parents neither realise nor care that they are known to staff as problematic parents.
TheViscountRang@reddit
My wife is a teacher and she definitely has these parents, I really don't think they have that level of self-awareness to know they're being irritating.
She comes home every day and recites the phone call/emails word for word over dinner. I've told her just to give the parent my number to cut out the middle man 🤣
V8boyo@reddit
As a parent I catch up with the teachers in the playground before school starts. That's only to ask simple questions about sports day and not anything to do with class. I generally just chew the fat with them. Being a teacher myself I really try and limit the load on them. I've only ever contacted them once through email in 6 years.
Special_Turnover1961@reddit
Moaning Minnie mickey parents vs back blabbing birdie teacher.
Gonna be a good thread!
WelshBen@reddit
It really depends what they're moaning about but personally i think those who moan a lot are usually a net negative to everyone involved. It's often virtue signaling or unnecessarily jumping the gun and just causes headaches.
fugelwoman@reddit
Following 😂 as a parent - I try to not complain but I’ve had some concerning issues about safety and behaviour so when i pop my head up, it’s serious
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