Are Americans usually genuine with the praise ?

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Far-Drawing-4444@reddit

It kind of depends on where in the US you are, as culture varies somewhat by region.

However, it sounds like they're trying to make you feel welcome by giving you a compliment. It's just a way of being friendly, not an attempt to deceive you.

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WritPositWrit@reddit

They are not lying, they are finding something good to say as a way to encourage you. If your work was both good and bad, they will praise the good, and then ask you to correct the bad.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

And if they are a wretched corporate speak stooge they will give you “the compliment sandwich” when asking you to fix something or do something better.

Give random compliment, give random criticism, give second random compliment.

I fucking haaaaaste that. I’m a big boy and I don’t need my feeling fluffed. If I’m doing something wrong or fucked something up I want to know right away. I don’t need the praise. Praise me later when warranted. I’ll fix whatever it is if I can and if I can’t I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I don’t need two weak ass compliments surrounding the important part. It seems totally disingenuous.

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FloridaMan@reddit

Man, you might be good at accepting criticism but like 70% of the corporate world is not. Compliment sandwich is an effective way to land criticism on sensitive people in the corporate world and I’ll lead with it until I know you personally.

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shedwyn2019@reddit

Agree hard. It really helps to hear something good along with bad. It is important to highlight to good, also, so they know what DOESN’T need correction so they keep doing THAT thing.

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DZL100@reddit

I'm terrible at this since oftentimes the only good thing I can think of is something that was already expected of them. Like, what, am I supposed to just be like "great job on, uh, following this part of the instructions correctly?"

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sgtm7@reddit

Reminds me of a joke we would make in the Army when discussing filling out a quarterly counseling for a soldier that wasn't quite up to snuff----"Looks well in civilian clothes."

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des1gnbot@reddit

For me it’s just an effective way to make me not believe a single positive word that comes out of your mouth. We all know what’s happening, just get to the point already and stop wasting both our time on compliments you only say to complete the “sandwich.”

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FloridaMan@reddit

That's not even true though. Often times there are at least two nice/complimentary things to say about something. And reinforcing genuine good things is also good practice. No one likes the only negative guy.

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SnooChipmunks2079@reddit

It also helps the person giving the "coaching" to keep it cool.

When you want to yell "what were you thinking? This is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen!" you're reminded that they're not all bad when you're doing the bread part of the shit sandwich.

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raobuntu@reddit

Most of the corporate world is also really poor at providing criticism. Communication is a 2 way street. A lot of people are insecure and defensive and there are ways to massage criticism in and around those constraints

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FloridaMan@reddit

Yeah, hence the compliment sandwich.

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raobuntu@reddit

I actually don't think that works. Jedi mind tricking with the socratic method where you get the other person to come to the criticism all by themselves gets me the most bang for my buck

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pgm123@reddit

If somebody tried the Socratic method on me I would politely excuse myself and walk away. I do not have time for a thousand questions. It's passive aggressive and irritating. I do not need a compliment sandwich to function, but I do need people to be direct.

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DartDaimler@reddit

It’s not passive aggressive; it’s training you to be a critical thinker and analyze for yourself what’s not right. It’s not the appropriate approach for every situation, but as a manager I’d rather spend time coaching you to look more deeply and get it right the first time. If the issue is how I communicated the need to you, or if you didn’t have the right tools to complete it as desired, we figure that out and fix it. “Being direct” leaves us both in the same assumptions we started with, and they aren’t always the best/right ones.

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pgm123@reddit

I don't need to be trained to be a critical thinker. 90% of the time the issue is a simple fix/oversight and not a pattern of behavior. Most of the rest of the time, it's poor communication and mismatched expectations. Clear communication solves more issues than the Socratic method.

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raobuntu@reddit

You can be direct. You just get them to think about the goal and how they accomplished it. 99% of the time people will find gaps and criticisms themselves.

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pgm123@reddit

It's pretty obvious what people are trying to do. I don't have time for it. I want people to tell me what their point is and not waste my time.

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FloridaMan@reddit

Compliment sandwich has worked so many time for me, it's tried and true. Especially if it's something you're handling/initiating via email.

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IHateCedarFever@reddit

Ooooooh big yes here. I’ve worked at my company long enough that I got sent to “leadership training workshop” which is basically Management 101. At my company you can be a leader of a smaller technical team of 3-7 people or one of those big VP level kumbaya managers of like 30+ people where your technical skills don’t matter as much, your “inspirational” skills matter more.

We’re told to treat everyone super cautiously, always be mindful of how what you say or do could potentially offend or alienate someone. I will say, my company does try to treat people well and with respect. Until the relationship is better understood, kid gloves is the default. However we do have weekly 1 on 1s where criticisms are framed as “development opportunities.” And during year assessment cycles, if you have not “developed” then your rating is lowered. Corporate world has a very regimented and also CYA way of telling you good/bad for the work you do.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I understand. I use it. I don’t like it but it doesn’t hurt me. I just let my higher ups know it’s not necessary for me.

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FloridaMan@reddit

I usually use it for externals who I'm not sure if they're soft and I don't want to accidentally make mad/sad. Typically, I'll have a more normal way to deliver/receive constructive criticism to/from the team I'm working with.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Yeah having a working relationship and knowing the person individually is one of those ”intangibles” that is highly underrated by corporate higher ups.

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fertile_gnome@reddit

I'll agree it's stupid if the sandwiching compliments are just obligatory.

But the technique is both valid and useful if the "compliments" actually help identify the subject's strengths. Good mentorship doesn't just identify deficiencies and sandwich it with attaboys. Constructive feedback identifies strengths and opportunities to grow, and connects them into a suggested plan.

A good leader helps a person plan how to use their specific strengths to grow.

Without that review, the mentee may not even know what their strengths are, let alone how they can be used.

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AndyTheEngr@reddit

I've never heard of this in the corporate world.

I did learn to do it when teaching martial arts to children, though.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

It’s definitely done in corporate management training but it looks like from the comments teachers and coaches do it too.

Makes sense for kids.

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wampwampwampus@reddit

I don't want the sandwich, but I do want to know what I got right. Do I need to start from scratch, or just improve some specific things, y'know? Also, people have a negativity bias and I do think it makes a culture difference to recognize the strengths and wins.

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DawaLhamo@reddit

Yeah, the old marshmallow-bologna-marshmallow sandwich. Yuck. Nobody likes that.

Now, it is a thing where you don't want all your interactions with a coworker/employee to be criticisms/corrections. If you're in a position to comment on their performance, you should encourage what they do well just as much. But that formula itself is such BS.

And it's SO OBVIOUS - eventually your employees will expect a criticism to follow every time you give a compliment, which undermines the whole point of giving praise.

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sobeboy3131_@reddit

Agreed- it completely devalues all future positive feedback and honestly makes me (and a lot of others) uncomfortable. Its like, stop trying to "social engineer" me and tell me what you want to say so we can make progress. The corporate world praises efficiency yet spends all this time coddling people? I don't get it.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I think the problem is I may be way too cynical. However in this case it seems my cynicism might be warranted.

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DawaLhamo@reddit

Honestly, I think most cynicism is learned behavior as a response to bad experiences. It can taint even positive interactions, but it stems from those bad ones.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I’m mostly joking

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Yes. It is just painfully obvious and makes any surrounding compliments seem disingenuous.

If you want to compliment me then have it be a standalone thing when I do something good. That way I know you really mean it and weren’t just searching for two random positives to soften the blow for an error.

I’m not a toddler who gets in a fit of if I get criticized.

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rogomatic@reddit

In all professional setting ngd, there are folks who are good with providing feedback, and folks that aren't. This applies to all sorts of feedback.

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FloridaMan@reddit

IME you tend to whip out a compliment sandwich with people you aren’t directly working with (client, subcontractor, reviewer) because you don’t know if they’re a vindictive little bitch or not. Coworkers, you learn how to give effective compliments/criticism to

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Wolf482@reddit

Sounds like what I have to do with my students' parents. I'd love to say "Hey Mrs. Smith. Yeah, your kid doesn't do ANY classwork, he's a pain in my ass, refuses to cough up his phone and distracts several students around him, disrupting the class. Please unfuck your child's behavior. However, I have to make up like 5 compliments for each critique

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I desperately wish my kids’ teachers would give me that.

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Wolf482@reddit

If you say that to the wrong parent you likely lose your job but I get your rationale why.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Weirdly I just got a call. My kindergartner got in a tussle on the playground. I got the compliment sandwich.

That was a weird coincidence.

I get why teachers do it. The most absurd quote was “I reiterated we aren’t disappointed with him but we reviewed the school wide policy.”

I really wanted to say “well you should be, I am, he knows better” but that doesn’t win father of the year with the teachers.

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MalevolentRhinoceros@reddit

It's not just a corporate thing. All of my art classes in high school and college had the same policy for class critiques.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I think it originated in the corporate world but I wouldn’t be surprised if it originated in academia.

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CG20370417@reddit

Its not a corporate thing, its just a solid practice for human communication.

Look at any book on coaching children in sports.

If it sounds stilted when you say it or hear it, when well work on your or their delivery. But a solid communicator is going to use all the techniques you cringe at, but they will use them naturally and subtly you wont even notice it happening.

For instance, its a great habit to repeat the name of the person you are talking to a couple times during your first time meeting them. It helps you remember their name, and it helps to make the conversation more personal for the person you're talking to. I was a field insurance adjuster for a decade and now Im in wholesale insurance sales.

The guys who are smooth as butter just naturally have a rhythm. They will engage with you on a level where the world melts away, and the only thing that matters to them from your perspective is you.

Then there are others who sound like they are reading from a script or a queue card.

All communication sounds fake when it is inauthentic.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I agree and it’s why I use it with children and people I don’t know well.

I find it incredibly annoying, inauthentic, and off putting, especially from a direct supervisor that should know me at least somewhat.

Repeating the person’s name however is an awesome trick and even if someone knows what you are doing it’s no big deal. You’re trying to timber their name because it’s important to you. That’s a trick and a compliment.

But yes, human interaction is hard and I have to do it day after day with people from all kinds of backgrounds. The biggest thing is being authentic and actually caring about what you say to or ask of them.

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CG20370417@reddit

Well, thats the key, right?

I mean if they know you, they should be able to disguise a compliment sandwich well enough you dont realize youve been given one until 3 hours later when you are happily working and feel like you actually solved that problem on your own before it ever became one, really.

You've gotta know who you're talking to. I don't approach the maintenance tech the same way I approach the CFO of the operation. I don't speak to the 67 year old receptionist the same way I'd speak to the 23 year old welding journeyman.

I try to be a chameleon, as best I can, fit my energy to meet who Im with. If I pick up that said individual is super earnest, ill act in kind. If they are almost cynically laid back, I'll couch my schpiel in those terms just as easily.

That all said, now that im not in the field and more in a desk role--more firmly within the loving embrace of corporate America--the office politics, "micro aggressions", corpo speak...its so much more apparent.

When its two dudes talking on the top of a roof you dont have to worry about HR.

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verity7732@reddit

I've learned my boss's code: "looks good" means not good and red ink is coming; "this is perfect" or "excellent" means she actually thinks it's good. In other words, "looks good" is the start of the dreaded compliment sandwich. Please don't bother; just say, "changes need to be made."

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

That’s a benefit of working with people. You start to understand their MO.

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devnullopinions@reddit

Feedback of any kind is useful, but honest constructive criticism is certainly more valuable.

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WritPositWrit@reddit

A++

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Ah but what may not have been clear is that I was engaging the target audience with colloquialism and being efficient with speed and meaning while conveying a light hearted tone that improves engagement. I will endeavor to include the necessary changes in future communication while still maximizing positive engagement. Thank you for the feedback.

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BulldMc@reddit

I appreciate your positive outlook while also providing some insightful points to improve. It should be "weak-ass" though, because this is two words serving as a single adjective and to avoid the humorous misreading that would be expressed as "weak ass-compliments" which HR might object to.

Keep up the good work, u/devnullopinions !

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bericbenemein@reddit

It works great for coaching children

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Indeed it does. That’s another reason I dislike it as an adult.

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Plumpdaddy2501@reddit

I manage a hydraulic repair team of 7 guys and I literally had one of them cry and throw a temper tantrum when I didn't do the sandwich. Times have changed even if you haven't

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Oh I use it. I know the lay of the land. I just make it very clear no supervisor needs to do it to me.

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ginger_bird@reddit

I legit used a compliment sandwich to break up with a guy once.

Don't judge me, I was really nervous.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I might have died of shame to be broken up that way. You a cruel and business savvy woman.

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Lucky-Remote-5842@reddit

Typically in work reviews, employers or managers are required to put something positive and something negative in the review. There's always something we could work on. Hopefully we're also doing something right! I'm like you, I can take constructive criticism and I would rather not wait for review time for them to bring it up. But they seem just write it down and save it for the review so they have talking points. I kind of get it, because the reviews your boss gives you are also monitored by their boss, so they have to follow the protocol.

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R1R1FyaNeg@reddit

I think i do this on occasion. I'm not trying to blunt the blow of my criticism though, I'm trying to prevent the person from tossing out what is good with their work and affirm what they did right so they can remember that for later as well as the wrong.

I wouldn't be surprised if corporate people use it intentionally.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Oh they absolutely do it intentionally. It’s in corporate training I have done.

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R1R1FyaNeg@reddit

That makes me want to vomit.

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cvilledood@reddit

I thought that was a “shit sandwich.”

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Deer_like_me@reddit

They’ll take the good. They’ll take the bad. You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life.

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garthock@reddit

When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams

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legend_of_yugi@reddit

You take the good, you take the bad and there you have...my opening statement.

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dobie_dobes@reddit

😂😂😂

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JeffurryS@reddit

It takes a lot to get it right.

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AutumnMama@reddit

Yeah op they aren't lying to you, it's just the facts of life 🤷

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DreamCrusher914@reddit

Also, your work product might be below average for you personally, but well above the average for similarly positioned employees.

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Anon-John-Silver@reddit

What do you mean when you say it’s not true/real? What kind of work are you doing? I think we need more context.

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sean8877@reddit

That's a fantastic question! You are a wonderful Redditor! And I mean that sincerely! But seriously, it's a mixed bag, some people are pretty genuine and some people are just being nice. Probably similar to most places.

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No-Support-1216@reddit

It's hard to tell sometimes. Most of us have been taught to sweeten a criticism by starting with praise--some people are idiots and give false praise first in a mistaken attempt to follow the 'rule'. They either don't recognize that it makes you feel worse or are highly manipulative and do it on purpose to make you feel worse.

A lot of people have a philosophy that putting out positive messages makes the world incrementally better. So while they may not be seeing who you are when they try to praise you--which is technically not genuine--they may have a genuine intention to do something good. It's almost like a superstition. If you can find a way to say something nice it will ward off bad things. And there are a lot of bad things going on.

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Aggressive-Emu5358@reddit

I won’t praise somebody unless I believe there is some truth in it. It may be ever so slightly inflated if the person obviously needs encouragement but it is definitely real.

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AdelleDeWitt@reddit

It's usually genuine; where others get confused is that we do use hyperbolic praise, so we might say something is "amazing" or "perfect" or "awesome" where people from other countries might say "good." We do mean the praise, though.

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FlareDarkStorm@reddit

It's almost always genuine. Sometimes overexaggerated to focus on the positive instead of the negative, but Americans usually mean what they say. It isn't that we're lying, we're just trying to stay positive.

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rosietherosebud@reddit

I think it's more like, we know that "good" is often subjective, and building someone's confidence will drive their success. Idk the specifics of your situation, but usually if you're actually doing bad, they'll either not say anything at all, or will give constructive feedback.

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southernfirm@reddit

As an individualistic society, we recognize and appreciate individuals who excel at whatever it is they are doing, and we are generally not shy in praising people. One of our positive attributes.

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DeepBrine@reddit

It could be worse. You could be in Germany. I have had little old ladies cross the street to tell me that I am trimming a hedge wrong.

Not at the wrong time (that is a thing here) nor even in the wrong season (also a thing here) but wrong as in I was not cutting it the way she felt it needed to be cut. My hedge. My fence. My property line.

I have another neighbor who stops by on a regular basis to tell me if my lawn in looking ok or not. The “or not” part is frequent.

Gotta love German neighbors.

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MikeD1942@reddit

Lived there for 3 years. Loved Germany, do NOT miss that, however.

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MikeD1942@reddit

Obviously I don't speak for everyone, but I don't really praise unless I mean it.

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FrenchFlauta@reddit

Why the hell would someone make it up? That’s more exhausting than doing nothing

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MPLS_Poppy@reddit

Yes. We’re just generally more optimistic and positive.

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Rittermeister@reddit

Yep. The key word in brutal honesty isn't honesty, it's brutal. Society works best with a little bit of lubricant. You can be honest without hurting someone's feelings.

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LargeMarge-sentme@reddit

Yes but if the choice is be kind or honest, Americans often choose kindness. This may be what OP is talking about. We are known for our unrealistic optimism which is both a feature and a bug. Some cultures find it endearing and others frustrating and disingenuous.

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jcsladest@reddit

They often take it as disingenuous, but they are usually wrong — it's usually a reflection of their culture.

Though I can definitely see why some find it frustrating!

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heyhomah@reddit

I mentioned in a separate comment, but it could also be a case of the "compliment sandwich" that I've heard can confuse some foreigners since the critique is so nicely phrased that they totally miss it.

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MPLS_Poppy@reddit

I guess that’s true. I find true unrepentant honesty to be a feature of close relationships not casual relationships.

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Cabala03@reddit

Need more information. How are they praising your work? What kind of work is it? Unless it is something artistic most people will not compliment you if they do not mean it.

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SmallKillerCrow@reddit

I feel it's also important where in America you where. The south vs the east vs the west can be pretty different

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Exciting_Pass_6344@reddit

This is very, very true.

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SmallKillerCrow@reddit

Out east where I am people mean what they say,, but from what I've heard, there's more passive aggression in the south.

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Punchasheep@reddit

"Bless your heart" is southern for "You fucking donkey!"

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clenom@reddit

It's really not

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Punchasheep@reddit

Where I live (East Texas) it most certainly is. Maybe not all the time, but often it's used that way.

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Rittermeister@reddit

Maybe, but it's also my gentle mother's way of responding when she has no idea what else to say. Like a semi-stranger buttonholes her for half an hour to talk about her dog's severe skin problem? "Bless your heart" (while quietly looking for a way out.)

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Exciting_Pass_6344@reddit

Having lived in TN for a decade, I can tell you this is very true. People are genuine for the most part though.

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SmallKillerCrow@reddit

Yeah out here our compliments are genuine but we are also more willing to insult you. Personally I prefer it this way as I know where I stand with people

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Fun-Security-8758@reddit

One of my favorite things about living in Maine was how bluntly honest people were. It would be hard to imagine someone out there saying a job was well done if it wasn't.

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Tacoshortage@reddit

Artistic or pictures of your baby...we lie about both.

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notadamnprincess@reddit

We will sometimes try to praise what’s good even if overall it’s bad, but then tell you what to fix. “You wrote that very beautifully, but it’s clear your research was lacking. Please revise your analysis to address X,Y, and Z.” Sounds a lot better than “you missed the point entirely, go back and do better.”

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OriginalSilentTuba@reddit

Depends where you are. In the south, or in the Midwest, people will default to saying nice things, and it will be kind of hard to know if they’re being genuine, especially if you’re not from that area. In the northeast, people will be much more direct and blunt, and when they do say something nice, it might feel like it’s kind of hollow or insincere, but it usually isn’t meant that way.

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Plato198_9@reddit

I think I'd need to know what they said Exactly as not all Complimentary phrases can be taken Literally, for example "Not Bad" or "Pretty Good" may mean Average or terrible depending on where you are, their tone and the individual person.

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myOEburner@reddit

They probably think it's good for what they think your capabilities are.

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bramblefish@reddit

You do understand that generalizations (biases) are at the macro level, can generally be accurate.
Yet at the micro level, will have little to do with the specific example.

So while Thanksgiving Dinner at the macro is a grand gathering of family, loved ones; and at the micro level (your specific Dinner) may be a tension filled family gathering of old hurts and petty family arguments.

Every example of micro is different, and largely not analogous to the macro.

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riarws@reddit

We need examples

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o93mink@reddit

I think you’re mistaken, people would not be saying good things about the work you’re doing unless they meant it. America does not have a monolithic culture of lying.

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iwriteaboutthings@reddit

“Bless your heart.”

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bratkittycat@reddit

True southerners don’t say ‘bless your heart’ as in the sarcastic cliche, but genuine concern or sympathy.

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sotiredwontquit@reddit

They do both. And only tone and context will tell you which they mean.

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bratkittycat@reddit

Right, but most people lean into the cliche only. True southerners know how to mean it.

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sotiredwontquit@reddit

They always mean it. But only context will tell you whether they mean it in genuine sympathy or scathing pity.

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bratkittycat@reddit

Yeah, a southerner always means it. A regular people just uses the cliche.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

This is blatantly untrue in the deep south. I dont notice it as much with men, but women especially will be "polite" and give you all sorts of compliments about everything under the sun. Then the minute you're gone they'll tell other people their real opinion. Including at work, such as saying you're doing a great job then telling the boss you have no idea what you're doing.

Its practically a staple of southern culture.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Nah, don't deep south this. People talk shit behind your back every where. However People may not make an effort to compliment you everywhere.

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bratkittycat@reddit

Yeah they’re describing Mean Girl behavior. This isn’t exclusive to the south at all. It’s not standard in my neck of the woods.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Mean Girls came to mind. Yea, its not like that was based in Georgia. Northerners just need to feel superior about something.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Superior? For acknowledging theres cultural differences in how certain demographics handle talking about and to their peers? Mean Girls the movie doesn't really display the exact behavior I'm describing. You're just not familiar with what im talking about, but it sounds similar enough to the standard mean girl behavior found pretty much everywhere that you're assuming thats it.

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bratkittycat@reddit

It’s not as prevalent in the south as you’re describing. It’s not a regional thing, it’s a personality thing. Southerners are also known for kind hospitality for a reason. There’s mean people everywhere, just sounds like the south is better at hiding it, because they’re polite. Northerners put less effort in masking. That’s a different thing totally.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

I didnt say its a southern thing to talk shit. I said its a southern thing to compliment you to your face then talk shit. Routinely. To the point its such an ingrained part of the culture among deeply southern women that being honest about anything negative can be seen a rude.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

I promise you that’s not a southern thing.

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sotiredwontquit@reddit

I assure you it is. People are two faced everywhere, but in the south it’s expected behavior.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

https://youtube.com/shorts/ysuOoQ1-Q1w?si=6p8q4FqeSsbMaPaj

https://youtube.com/shorts/bhmtYc6th0M?si=7kF4mwh2fIUvKHxd

Do the women in Vermont sound like this when they talk about each other? I know these are skits but I cant find a better representation.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Ok so its a southern thing to be nice to people around you, and not a northern thing. Yea we know that.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Not exactly what I was saying but alright

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MidtownFrown@reddit

So what do yall do just insult each other all the time? I mean I know you don't.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

To preface, this is most heavily predominant among traditional southern people, especially older women. Not every single person acts like this, but its common enough that just about anyone from the deep or rural south knows exactly what im talking about.

No one is overtly rude or insulting unless an actual fight is breaking out. Otherwise its smiles, passive aggressiveness, "bless their heart", sort of talk. Maybe to your face they'll call your outfit fun and unique, but its not meant as a compliment, and when you walk away theyll say something about how they don't understand how you can leave the house in that or how you must have so much confidence to walk around like that. But despite the cheery tone, or sugary sweetness its said with, its clear to everyone else that they're just saying its ugly.

Theres a million YouTube shorts doing skits of this exact thing you can find.

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LimeMargarita@reddit

I know exactly what you mean because I've seen my very proud southern mother in law and her friends do the same thing countless times. It is incredibly important to these women to seem polite and proper publicly, and especially around men, but as soon as it's behind closed door with just close female friends and family, the nastiness comes out. It's very shocking/upsetting to see, and my husband refuses to believe his mother can be like this. I think it's very hard to understand what you are trying to describe without seeing it because of the care these ladies to through to make sure the seem like model polite, Christian women.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Yeah you get it. Its honestly really frustrating how many people are saying this is just regular talking shit that you see everywhere. Its not, this is a very very specific kind of talking shit about someone.

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LimeMargarita@reddit

I agree, it takes growing up in this environment to learn to think the horrible things these women will say behind the backs of other people, much less be comfortable verbalizing them. The average person is not capable of this kind of shit talking.

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LadySandry88@reddit

This drives me nuts because I can absolutely see it in one of my coworkers, but until her I had not seen it so blatantly. She's also a much older and very traditional woman. My other female coworkers are much more honest, so while there might be some prevarication or just not saying mean thoughts to someone's face, none of them actually lie about their opinions.

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Meowmeowmeow31@reddit

Do you think the only two options are effusive compliments you don’t mean at all and insulting someone?

If I think someone’s shirt is ugly or their baby name choice is unfortunate, I just say nothing about it, or maybe just a “oh that’s nice” if asked.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Well, that's what we do here too.

What, I have noticed and I travel a lot. Is you guys will do unnecessary rudeness. Things said where maybe you should have put a filter on your thoughts because it benefited no one, especially not the person who says them. But for some reason that little thing that says I probably shouldn't say this isn't there.

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Heavy_Front_3712@reddit

Alabama has entered the chat....I get what you're saying, and you are right....

What a pretty color dress that is! To your face....

Dear Lord did you see what she was wearing?!!! After she leaves....

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RaeWineLover@reddit

Interesting color.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

Not everywhere does fake nice

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Kenderean@reddit

We do not do fake nice in NJ. That doesn't mean we don't help others or care about people. But it does mean that if you're a fuck up, we're not going to sugar coat it for you.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

Exactly

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MidtownFrown@reddit

I'll take fake nice over dick head any time.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

I’d rather someone be upfront with me so I know where I stand.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

I guess, I really don't give a shit what someone thinks about me so they can keep that drama to them selves. I guess that's the cultural difference.

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SkiingAway@reddit

OP's initial example was about work. I'd certainly rather know I'm doing a shit job so I have the opportunity to try to fix that, rather than get insincerely complimented about my work and then let go for poor performance without ever having known I was doing badly.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

New England, yall are the nicest deck heads I know. And I mean that as a compliment

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Mindless_Log2009@reddit

"Bless your heart," as the Southern battle cry goes.

I was born in the South, then spent a decade in the NYC area, then back to the South.

At least New Yorkers were honest, if blunt. They said what they meant. And they had a sense of humor, even in verbal sparring (playing the dozens, or ranking).

The Southern communication style is like their driving – passive aggressive, and they'll shoot you as quickly as compliment you if they get offended by something you've said. And they're very easily offended.

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Fecapult@reddit

Northerners are not nice but are kind. Southerners are nice but aren't kind.

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FunTricky903@reddit

God I wish people would stop mindlessly parroting this.

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Fecapult@reddit

Well I'm not sure which side of the mason-dixon line you're sitting on, if any, but Ive experienced plenty to give credence to the axiom in both the North and South of the eastern US. Perhaps these "mindless parrots" repeat it with good cause?

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FivebyFive@reddit

That is blatantly untrue.

Lying, and being polite are not the same thing.

We may not tell the whole truth to strangers in public, but that doesn't mean we lie.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Our experiences are different. Ive lived my whole life in the rural south. Its a staple at every job, church, school, every grouping ive ever been in, theres several women who 100% lie to your face and say you're doing great or they like something. Then as soon as you leave they start talking shit.

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FivebyFive@reddit

I'm sorry you've met some assholes.

I assure that is NOT the entire region.

Interestingly, we are all individuals.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Im very aware that not the whole region or every person there. But its a southern stereotype for a reason. For every church group, school, or job site, there's usually at least one but likely several more people who act exactly like that. With it getting increasingly common among the older women.

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CTKM72@reddit

You’re just describing ‘talking shit behind someone’s back’ I’ve never heard of that being a southern stereotype, assholes of every place do that. Maybe the reason you think it’s specific to the south is *because* you’ve “lived your whole lives in the rural south”.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Youve never heard any kinds of jokes or stereotypes or seen skits of how southern women talk? Like its a very specific kind of passive aggressiveness, not just "yeah fuck her she sucks" when she walks away.

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CTKM72@reddit

No, I don’t think I have seen what you’re explaining as a thing specific to southerners. Like someone else said it’s basically just classic “mean girl” behavior, what you’re talking about happens in damn near every single highschool girl movie.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

I know exactly what you're talking about with general mean girl behavior and its like an offshoot. There is absolutely a difference, but if you didnt grow up around it then you're not gonna understand the difference without seeing it. Ive been around plenty of general "mean girl" environments, and ive been around plenty of "traditional southern values" kind of environments and they handle talking about people very differently.

This is a skit, but its the most accurate thing I could find within 10 seconds of looking: https://youtube.com/shorts/ysuOoQ1-Q1w?si=6p8q4FqeSsbMaPaj

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Natural_Field9920@reddit

You’re describing something that happens everywhere. You’re a moron.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

Go ahead and tell yourself that. You’ll just be lying to yourself, but I guess it’s what you’re used to.

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FivebyFive@reddit

Nice. What a warm and friendly person you are, clearly open to a good faith discussion!

(See now THAT was a lie).

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o93mink@reddit

Let’s assume OP isn’t pledging Chi O at Ole Miss

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Uhhh_what555476384@reddit

This explains my mom. Been taking me 43 years to figure it out.

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AtlanticToastConf@reddit

Just wanted to say thank you for this. I gave it a genuine snort-chuckle.

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worktogethernow@reddit

Nah. Let's assume they are. Seems more fun.

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UnhappyTriad@reddit

This is true and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I've been living in the south for 3 years after being in the Midwest, Mid-Atlantic, PNW, and Alaska. Other regions will be more honest with you about something dumb you say, do, or whatever. Sometimes it is in your face honesty, sometimes it is more of a suggestion or question, but usually you get a sense at least.

The south will definitely lie to your face, fake kindness, compliment you, or whatever only to talk shit behind you immediately on the same subject. It is more prevalent in women here but I see it from guys too.

Usually I don't care about what people think about me, but something about this dishonesty bothers me. I guess I'm fine if someone thinks negatively about me, as long as I know it, but I don't want to sit and wonder what differs about their thoughts and feelings when I'm there vs when I'm not. I'd rather just be able to tell upfront if you do or don't have a problem with me.

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Vast_Lemon7906@reddit

As someone living in the south, I was about to protest, but you are probably right about women. I can say this is not a thing with men. It would be seen as very effeminate coded.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

I was honestly trying really hard not to sound straight up sexist and say its just women. But yeah i rarely see men do that.

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Meowmeowmeow31@reddit

I read an article years ago about how that behavior is most common in communities with strict gender roles. It was interesting - I wish I could find it. But that would explain why so many people here are saying it’s more common with older women.

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TeamWaffleStomp@reddit

Yeah that tracks

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EnvironmentNeith2017@reddit

If it’s just in the South it’s not monolithic

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paparazzi_rider@reddit

Bless your heart.

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Meowmeowmeow31@reddit

Geez. That’s so mean.

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ScarletPumpkinTickle@reddit

I moved down south several years ago and I definitely noticed this at my workplace.

The one that sticks out for me is when a pregnant coworker revealed what she was going to name her baby and everyone fawned over it. I didn’t say anything because I thought it was a weird name but as soon as the coworker left, everyone started trashing the name. I was really surprised with the flip in attitudes.

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tessaractIXI@reddit

Gonna have to hard disagree with that one

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Potential-Use-1565@reddit

"America does not have a monolithic culture of lying" this is true but sarcasm is common and could be easily confused

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94grampaw@reddit

Sarcasm is used less in America compared most English speaking countries.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Yeah I personally have a monolithic culture of lying but only for fun and merriment.

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CaptainPunisher@reddit

No, you don't. I've known you for over ten years and that's not true at all!

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

Why must you make this subreddit into a house lies?

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CaptainPunisher@reddit

Says the person who lies more than the president.

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

I didn’t realize the Trumpster was such a paragon of truth?!

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CaptainPunisher@reddit

Of course! You know he's telling the truth because he says he is. He's almost as trustworthy as Joe Isuzu!

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CupBeEmpty@reddit

The best truth. His social media even says so.

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CaptainPunisher@reddit

It's right in the name!

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charcoalhibiscus@reddit

While sarcasm is common, it is rare and super passive-aggressive for people to sarcastically praise your work output.

“Wow, what a great UX design” (in a Tone, when actually it is a terrible one) < this is not a thing that happens in healthy workplaces, and even in unhealthy ones it would be maybe one or two people

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Natural_Field9920@reddit

It’s not common in work related situations that OP is describing.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

As an autistic person, who has difficulty with that kind of social convention, what you’ve said is extremely incorrect. We absolutely do have a “fake nice” “polite” “white lie” culture.

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Punchasheep@reddit

Yes, THIS. People are so disingenuous especially at work and I hate it. Why can't people just say what they mean?!?

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Inevitable_Detail_45@reddit

So untrue I think these people are messing with OP.

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Murderhornet212@reddit

I think neurotypical Americans are u aware of just how often they lie and how pissed off they get when they run into someone who won’t.

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Inevitable_Detail_45@reddit

They lie like they breathe and I guess I can't say I keep track every time I breathe. So yeah, I guess so.

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Cheap_Coffee@reddit

America does not have a monolithic culture of lying.

Sure, go ahead and tell your wife that dress doesn't make her butt look big.

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yellowdaisycoffee@reddit

If I ask my (hypothetical) husband whether a dress makes me look bad in any way, he better tell me the damn truth. 🤨

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Skippeo@reddit

A husband can't be objective. I always find my wife beautiful because I'm in love with her. I have no idea what other people think she looks like.

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FoggyGoodwin@reddit

I told my SO you sound like him (after telling him the dress topic), then read your comment. He grinned, then went "whew!" Your wife is likely as happy as I am - it's a great feeling.

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Skippeo@reddit

Thanks! I try to make sure she is as happy as I am.

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yellowdaisycoffee@reddit

That's very sweet!

Hey, if my husband truly finds me beautiful all the time, then at least he isn't lying to me when he says I look nice in an unflattering dress!

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BulldMc@reddit

My wife is always gorgeous, but that doesn't mean every single thing she wears flatters her ideally, even if I love how she looks in it. Some outfits don't quite 'fit right' and I will let her know that if she asks for my feedback.

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fasterthanfood@reddit

I also choose this guy’s beautiful, healthy wife.

But seriously, my wife is always attractive to me, but I will often give input like “is that a little bit too formal for the occasion?” or “I think the brown shoes match better.” It’s not that she looks anything but beautiful, it’s just that some clothes themselves are better suited than others.

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Adorable-Growth-6551@reddit

No you want your girlfriend for that. You want your husband to find you beautiful always. Ideally, you give him two choices and let him tell you which is better.

The real ace in the sleave is when you have a daughter. Then you have someone who can really help you.

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o93mink@reddit

GLP-1s have been widely available for like 5 years, who is still worried about their butt being too big?

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Harbinger_Kyleran@reddit

It's not a magic cure nor does it work equally well for everyone, hence why they keep inventing new variants.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Shirts expensive. And the young uns ain't taking it. But damn it works.

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Future-Mess6722@reddit

I took it, but ate right through it anyway.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

You gotta titrate up.

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Old_Distribution_235@reddit

Times have changed. Now you've gotta say the dress doesn't make her butt look small.

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Delta1225@reddit

No, you need to know which of those 2 responses your wife is fishing for.

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Dick__Marathon@reddit

It just depends on the dress

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1MrE@reddit

Neither. Just ask her to turn around. Now lift the dress up and let me see that ass for comparison sake.

She’ll laugh, maybe blush a little.

You didn’t lie and she got the reinforcement by compliment she was fishing for. Win win.

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thekendalluxx@reddit

This guy husbands.

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z44212@reddit

Gimme a bite of that cake.

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HurtsCauseItMatters@reddit

As a wife, this is 100% the answer 😁

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CharlesFXD@reddit

Damn! My man! lol

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Cheap_Coffee@reddit

Good point!

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unix_name@reddit

Nah, I just slap 👋🏻 it and say hell yeah, and wrap my arms around her and kiss her then skedaddle.

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MRBENlTO@reddit

It doesn’t. It’s her butt that makes the dress look big.

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PhilosopherTiny5957@reddit

Get with the times. We came to our senses and realizes big butts are nice

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nordic-nomad@reddit

I give my wife honest feedback when trying on clothes.

“I don’t like that one” “The cut isn’t right” “That style doesn’t work” “That isn’t one of your colors”

You can be honest with people and not make them feel self conscious. Good clothes should make you feel confident.

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PghSubie@reddit

The dress is not what does that. So, it is a true statement

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schoolydee@reddit

times has changed thats a compliment these days gramps

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brian11e3@reddit

"Your ass is giving that dress stretch marks."

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Appropriate_News_382@reddit

It depends on how much longer you want to live. Remember the "until death do us part" line in the vows. I does not specify how you will die. I suspect, I will do something that really upsets the missus (and be clueless about it) and my demise will be quite slow and painful but will be final!

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WokeUpIAmStillAlive@reddit

I told her the dress didn't make her look fat, she was indeed fat before she put the dress on

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ShakespearianShadows@reddit

“You look amazing, but that dress is cut poorly for your shape. Try that blue one, you look incredible in it!”

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Lusiric9983@reddit

I've always been a little too honest about how something would make my wife look. She appreciates it and asks so that she doesn't wear the dress that makes her ass look huge.

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WhereINeededToBe@reddit

Most Americans wouldn't do that unless they are in an extremely close healthy relationship. Instead we'd probably say something that actually is nice about it instead. Like the cut or color. We dont like being mean when being kind is an option too.

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Remote_Ocelot9600@reddit

"this new recipe is amazing"

Followed by eating uncrustables at midnight and looking like gollum. Hehe

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Optimal-Age5397@reddit

What if I want the dress to make her butt look big though?

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pseudonym7083@reddit

Yup, we operate on brutal honesty. Must thicken skin.

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FewRecognition1788@reddit

It does depend on context and your relationship, though.

A work peer can give you unsolicited compliments, but they're not going to walk up to you and tear apart your presentation at the staff meeting. That would be a huge jerk move.

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-Boston-Terrier-@reddit

Thank you.

My friends all laugh at me whenever I say the strippers are into me but if they weren't then why would they keep calling me handsome and telling me they bet I have a big dick?

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Initial_Fill_2655@reddit

I try to be kindly truthful. Monolithic lying seems to be what our gov has become known for. Responding to o93mink because I live next to a tiny lake named after mink - was going to say on but do not live in a houseboat.

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LargeMarge-sentme@reddit

Have you met many Germans? You will find a very different level of honesty that the average American will find insulting. To them, they’re just being honest. I would argue you are the mistaken one. American will be kind over being honest when there is only one choice.

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Desperadox_23@reddit

Yes it has.

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Cthulwutang@reddit

car salesmen exist (unfortunately)

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FireflyTango@reddit

It's real. Pay particular attention to what follows the praise though. It might be a very valuable constructive criticism.

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ChampionshipBetter91@reddit

If you're in the South, you'll get fulsome praise and gushing compliments alone or as part of the compliment sandwich.

If Southerners don't like something, you'll know by several tells. One is saying, "Bless your/his/her/their heart." The other is calling something "nice."

When you hear "nice," about a person, place, thing, performance, or project, that is the kiss of death with the coffin sealed.

I nearly had a heart attack in college when I overheard someone tell someone else that I was "nice." It took me awhile to learn this was a regional tic...

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reflect25@reddit

> I’ve noticed that when some one praises or says something good about the work I’ve done is sometimes not true. in other words it is not real. is there a way I can figure out when it is real and then it is not

i mean if it is just a generic 'you do good work' then they might just be friendly. but even then usually people won't "lie" if they want to just compliment they'll just say like 'you work hard' talking about your effort but not explicitly talking about the work.

if they say something specific like "your presentation went over xyz well" it's probably just true. there's not some hidden intent.

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houdini31@reddit

Yes-we are actually a very very genuinely friendly culture

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WinstonWilmerBee@reddit

Americans are effusive—we tend to over-state or emphasize the good or acceptable. We tend to want to keep a positive or cheerful vibe. So we often frame things in a positive way.

So, in Germany your boss might say, “that report was not acceptable. Edit better.”

In the US they’ll say, “I see you did a great job with the formatting! Next time, I’d want to see you really hone in on detail with with typos and grammar.”

In a lot of US sub-cultures, including corporate culture, unadulterated direct criticism is intended to be taken as hostile. It’s fighting words.

If a coworker or my boss said to me, “that report was not acceptable. Edit better.” I would consider that a statement of war, and I would set my mind to making them as miserable as possible.

So, they might be giving you BS compliments as a way to keep the vibe light and to make feedback go down smoother.

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thatrightwinger@reddit

Men's praise is absolutely real.

Women's praise is entirely performative and is just there to make the women around them feel good about themselves.

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IntelligentWay8475@reddit

If the work you’ve done is good the praise is real.

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thingsbetw1xt@reddit

Maybe they think it's true even if you don't?

I don't think most people would outright lie that your work was good when it was objectively awful. But sure they will try to find something positive that they can say to make you feel better and encourage you.

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RedditWidow@reddit

Yes and no. It really depends where you are, what the work culture is like, and the individuals involved. Some people don't want to be perceived as mean or rude, so they only ever say positive things. Some bosses don't want to hear anything but "yes" or "it's great" because they think anything negative makes them look like bad leaders.

There is also a thing called "toxic positivity," when someone only ever tries to be upbeat and positive, no matter what. It's toxic because it is often dishonest (even to themselves), it doesn't allow for any perceived criticism (even when that criticism might help you improve), and it dismisses/suppresses feelings like anger, disappointment or sadness (which isn't healthy).

In my 50+ years of experience, born and raised in the US, we do generally have a tendancy to focus on the positive and to say things we don't really mean, but not out of malicious intent. "Hi, how are you?" is not a genuine question, it's a greeting. "Fine" or "Good, how are you?" are the answers, even when we're suffering. But if you accuse an American of being dishonest and not really caring how you are, they will usually be insulted and insist that they do, because we like to appear to be good people. It is often very confusing to people from other countries.

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NotenStein@reddit

Everyday Americans try to be encouraging, and "help" people. It sometimes comes off as phony or intrusive ... We ask things like "how are you?" to people we just met. That can sound intrusive in other countries where you would never pretty into someone else's health.

But, it is superficial. We don't expect people to actually tell us if they are having aches and pains.

Praising people for "doing their jobs" is kind of the same thing. It's meant to be nice, but if you aren't used to it then it can seen insincere.

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Partytime79@reddit

Yes. Although a polite comment as praise might be said whether it was deserved or not. As an example, I went to a restaurant a few weeks ago and the waitress messed up several of our orders. We didn’t make a big deal about it and said it’s was wonderful and great service and went about our day. That wasn’t strictly deserving of praise but we offered it anyway as a matter of politeness.

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Dr-Gooseman@reddit

I can see ignoring if a waiter screwed up, but it drives me crazy that my friends and family will always say the food was delicious, even if it wasnt. Like what's the point, its not even like the waiter made the food themselves.

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Partytime79@reddit

I get it, but sometimes the waiter will take it to the manager and then the manager will come inquire and a lot of customers just don’t want to deal with that. If I had truly horrible service/ food somewhere I’d be the last one to make a scene and would just vote with my feet by never going there again.

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Thin-Bat4202@reddit

I agree. I went to a sushi place a few weeks ago. I come from the coast, from a fisherman family, and so know fresh fish. Fresh fish should not smell fishy. I only took a little bit of one of the rolls (other was fine and good), and when the waitress asked, I was actually was truthful that the other seemed a bit fishy (old), in case they needed to check one of their ingredients. She gave me a 5% discount that I actually wasn't fishing for. It was nice of her, but felt like an oops to me as that wasn't my intent. I probably still won't go back though. Bleh.

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Rare_Recognition7363@reddit (OP)

But that way I’d never know if I did a good job or they are just saying it for the sake of it. Now I actually think, they are just saying it.

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fireyqueen@reddit

How specific are they? If they say good job with xyz then they probably mean it. If they say good job without any specifics then they could just like you but don’t have specifics

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Rare_Recognition7363@reddit (OP)

I work in a reporting job. They say something like you have done really good job with this, but this could be better but I think this is a good report. Now l’m confused well is this good to push or should I change it. I ask them do you want me to change this ? They are like, this is good. This is just the tip of iceberg. I’m not complaining but it really leaves me confused. Honest feedback is a really helpful to grow.

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fireyqueen@reddit

That is so confusing! I’ve been a manager for over 20 years and that is one of the hardest skills to learn.

One thing that may help is if you recap your understanding. Something like: “ok so keep doing xyz but on the next report do xyz differently, correct? “

Better if you can put it in an email or some sort of documentation so you can track these changes.

The thing to remember is managers are just as fallible as everyone else. Some like to pretend they aren’t but they are. Also, leadership training and how to give proper feedback isn’t always taught. I’ve been fortunate to work for a couple companies that put an emphasis on leadership training and I’ve gained tons of skills but many times managers just fall into the role because they were good at their previous one and it takes a long time to figure out how to give good constructive feedback without coming across as a jerk or too soft.

It’s good they’re trying to give you feedback. That doesn’t always happen. Now you just have to figure out how to get the info you need to make the changes.

Letting them know how you like to receive feedback is always helpful. Especially if you prefer a more direct “just tell me what I need to fix” mentality. Managers have to juggle a lot of different personalities so at least for me, I like when someone tells me exactly how they like to get feedback so I can adjust.

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TheyMadeMeLogin@reddit

It's called a Compliment Sandwich and it's a very common feedback tactic. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compliment_sandwich

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fireyqueen@reddit

Yep and as you can see, it creates more confusion and ambiguity than clarity. It’s not very effective

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DoNoHarm--TakeNoShit@reddit

This is it. There is an issue they are addressing, but the upside is that the complements are generally true too. Just be aware that they are trying to mentor you and help you grow as an employee.

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msklovesmath@reddit

Sounds like they are giving vague assessments, which arent actionable. Some people dont know how to give feedback, so just ask for some areas of improvement that are specific and actionable.

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shoesafe@reddit

If they brought up something to change, then they probably want you to change it.

It might still be good overall. In which case, they don't want you to feel bad.

Americans like being optimistic, so we take negative feedback seriously. We also see feedback as interpersonal communication; giving positive feedback makes somebody feel good and giving negative feedback will hurt somebody's feelings. That's why it's easier to give nice ratings and more difficult to give mean ratings.

"It's good" might be a neutral rating. Depends on context.

"It's okay, but..." is a partially negative rating.

"It's bad" is a very negative rating.

"It's terrible" is highly confrontational, bordering on open hostility.

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thegootlamb@reddit

Reporting as in news reporting/journalism? Your editor should be giving you specific constructive criticism.

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Persimmon_and_mango@reddit

It's going to be dependent on the context. Praise from a customer to an employee might just be for the sake of politeness. Same for praise from an employee to a customer. But praise from a manager or a coworker is usually genuine. Praise from a stranger ("nice hair!" "cool shirt!" etc) is real 99% of the time. Praise between customer-employees is usually real if it's unrelated to business. In terms of your work performance, if you messed up a bit the person might still be genuine. For example, if you make a mistake in a report but the rest of the report is accurate then the manager might think you still did a good job overall.

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revengeappendage@reddit

Good at what tho?

You gotta clarify what you mean by work.

Building a house? Washing a car? Painting a portrait? Etc?

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Partytime79@reddit

In that particular situation, she knew she’d screwed up. Regardless, it’s not really my job as a customer to offer critiques of someone’s work. Some people may choose to do that in a friendly or unfriendly manner but I’m just there to eat.

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bass679@reddit

So, I'm a manager so maybe I can share some insight. There are probably two things at work here. First, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." American culture is very polite and friendly so if you're not doing great but not specifically doing something wrong you're more likely to just have no feedback. If you're doing fine, meeting expectations let's say, your boss will likely offer modest praise. Firstly to recognize that your work is indeed of a decent quality but also to positively encourage you.

In management there's also the idea of a compliment sandwich. Criticism goes down easier if it is prefaced and followed with compliments. So for example, I have an engineer who's... not great. So in our reviews I'll compliment something she's doing well in, present an area that needs work and how to fix it, and then follow up on a positive note. Probably something about hitting deadlines or improvement on an issue from last time.

I always want to emphasize, American politeness is not fake but it is mandatory to some degree. When we say, "How are you?". It IS a stock greeting phrase, but if you answer by telling us how you're actually doing we're culturally obligated to listen and respond, that's why our normal response is, "fine, how about you?". Because it would be rude for us to burden the first person with out issues. Not because the question was insincere. So, in summary take the compliments as compliments, but your boss may just be telling you that you're meeting expectations or trying to encourage.

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shoesafe@reddit

If you specifically ask for feedback, Americans aren't always comfortable being negative. They need to be pretty annoyed to provide negative feedback. So they might say "it's great, thanks" and that just means "I don't want to raise any issues, I'm satisfied." A neutral response.

If you provide a service or complete a task and they say "this is great, thanks" then that's ambiguous. It might be positive or it might be neutral. But it's definitely not negative enough to start an upsetting conversation.

If you do something, they thank you for it and then later they seek you out again and say "that thing you did was truly great, thanks so much, good job," then that almost certainly was genuine praise.

It's hard to ask Americans to provide negative feedback on command. We're fully capable of bring shitty and negative, but not at the drop of a hat. If you get praise that was unprompted, it's more meaningful.

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MaritimeDisaster@reddit

We do this because we understand that the waitress might just be having a bad day. Maybe she’s stressed about something, maybe her kid was up all night sick and she didn’t get good sleep. Screwing up restaurant orders is not something that affects my life negatively; it’s a minor inconvenience. The praise we give in this situation is meant as understanding and encouragement. The waitress KNOWS she screwed up the orders, I don’t need to point it out. Sometimes we just want to lift people up when we see them struggling.

The question is, ARE you screwing up your work? How impactful are those screw ups? Why are you screwing up? Are you still learning the role? Are you jet lagged? Or are you fully incompetent? OR, do you suffer from a bit of imposter syndrome?

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Competitive_Trust174@reddit

In general I'd say that if they made any effort to compliment you, it was real. If you asked their opinion and they said "it's great" or something right before leaving that might have been a white lie. Usually when someone lies about the quality of service it's to avoid having to engage in that conversation.

Don't forget that your own eye for quality as a crafter is often higher than others'.

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Any-Concentrate-1922@reddit

Yeah, I was at a mediocre restaurant last night and the server was like, "How are your meals" and I said, "Very good, thanks." Because he didn't cook the food, and I'm being polite. But privately, I'm deciding I probably won't come back.

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Meatgortex@reddit

So things vary with region/job type, but often formal feedback is trained to be given in a compliment sandwich.

say something you like
say something constructively corrective
say something you like

This initial comment is intended to relax the person getting feedback so they are less defensive and more responsive to hearing the correction. And then you end the interaction on a positive note.

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EauDeFrito@reddit

Depends on what area of the US you are in sometimes. People in Southern US have the ability to politely compliment you while also insulting you. Here's a video with examples: https://youtu.be/_JkAG4E_iLs?si=GaFKdYMIQm6tGTkc

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neoliberalforsale@reddit

Praises work is rarely a perfunctory, can be if it’s your boss and you work for a big company. Americans are very easy with compliments though so while true it may not be as big of a deal as it is in your home country.

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ThinWhiteRogue@reddit

Which Americans? What profession? What did you do? What did they say?

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argella1300@reddit

Who hurt you that you can’t possibly believe someone is being genuine when they compliment you?

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eugenesnewdream@reddit

It might further depend on the region. For example, people (especially women) in the South have a reputation for being phony with their praise. I'm from NYC originally and no one there has the time or inclination to blow smoke up your ass (an expression meaning to lie, to puff someone up with false praise). They will be honest. I don't live there anymore--I'm now closer to the South, though not fully in the South--but I still don't like lying about things like that. I'll find something positive to say with honesty, even if it's something small, rather than lie.

In general I'm not sure how you can be so certain they are not speaking the truth when they praise you. Unless they literally are talking about something you didn't even do, then they might just be confused.

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SpermicidalManiac666@reddit

There’s fake people anywhere but we in the US are pretty optimistic people and aren’t really deterred that often by failure. If you messed something up most people will simply encourage you to let it go and do better rather than tear you down for a mistake. Obviously there’s exceptions but generally we don’t worry too much about mistakes. Unless you’re in the life saving business - not a lot of room for error there.

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Communal-Lipstick@reddit

Yes. Why not say good things about people, it makes everyone happier. I cant imagine living any other way.

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Sweet_Cinnabonn@reddit

Yes, they are genuine.

We may give praise what feels like too readily to other cultures, but we don't lie. We find a thing we like.

Maybe you need to review what you think is not true.

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Fuzzzer777@reddit

It really depends. Many people are sincere with praise. There is a shortage of dedicated employees in my area. A couple of my coworkers are just lazy. Encouraging a coworkers it always helpful. It let's them know they are appreciated.

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OpposumMyPossum@reddit

It is dependent on the region.

If you are in New England and someone says something nice, they mean it.

The South is a little bit more confusing.

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BuildNuyTheUrbanGuy@reddit

Not really. If someone says something nice, they usually mean it everywhere.

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OpposumMyPossum@reddit

Not based on answers from people here AND my experience.

I've literally been in a standing group of Southern women at a wedding where a woman came up to the group and chatted with them (she knew them - I didn't as I was a plus one). One of the girls said to the girl something like "OMG I love your dress" and chatted with her about it and when the girl left they all dished about how trash and inappropriate the dress was.

That was my first real trip to the South and a bit of culture shock. I'd say it was anecdotal but I've seen lived there temporarily.

It is very difficult than Massachusetts.

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ssk7882@reddit

I married a southerner, and my mother-in-law once told me that the moment she realized she really liked me was when she saw how my face fell the instant the insults came out after a woman had left the group that I'd been chatting with on a visit.

I guess I'm not very good at guarding my facial expressions, but yes, I was genuinely upset and taken aback by that. I'm from the northeast, where people are far brusquer in general, but that particular style of two-facedness is far less common, and something that I associate far more with junior high school mean girls than with adult women.

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Cheap_Coffee@reddit

What about "bless your heart?"

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slippedintherain@reddit

I’m Texan and I think the bless your heart thing has become much more of an Internet meme than a real life thing. The only times I ever heard it said growing up were by older relatives who were being sincere in sympathizing with someone undergoing a hard time. People now may say it more sarcastically but I think that’s probably influenced by the online perception that it’s meant to be hateful. I personally don’t use the phrase and haven’t heard it said out loud in decades.

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GooseinaGaggle@reddit

Texans tend to be a bit more forward with what they say as opposed to what I'm calling the southeast which is more reserved in what they say

I know it's a meme now but it happens, and definitely happened before the internet

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mdf7g@reddit

It's definitely still going strong in other parts of the South. I'm from Virginia and it's usually not a compliment there, and hasn't changed much since the 90s.

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BJNats@reddit

Bless your heart can mean many things in many contexts from many people. It does not typically mean “fuck you” as people on the internet like to say it does. The sharpest edge “bless his/her heart” typically takes is meaning “this person is trying so hard but man they’re kind of dumb, huh?” In my experience it typically means something like a genuine expression of “I’m sorry you’re going through this”

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ExcellentInsurance72@reddit

Well, that’s not nice so it fits.

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Drunk_Lemon@reddit

It sounds nice though despite being well known for not being nice.

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Username43241@reddit

Yeah I think it’s more that in the north east they will be straight with you either way. If you did something bad they will also tell you. You will definitely know where you stand with a New Yorker New Englander.

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Tabitheriel@reddit

Some people lay it on thick, others are sparing with praise. Take it all with a grain of salt.

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silentsnak3@reddit

Boss, if an American said you did well, you did well.

Now sometimes we do not want to hurt peoples feelings if we know they tried. You can try your best and still suck. We then focus on the effort that was put forth.

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Annual_Government_80@reddit

I can’t soeak of all, but i am truthful

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huazzy@reddit

Ah the weekly "why are Americans fake" post...

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Few-Wrongdoer-5296@reddit

Apparently if you don't mean mug everyone within a hundred-yard radius you're fake to some people.

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TedW@reddit

We're shooting as many people as we can! We can't shoot any more! Not in this economy anyway. Have you seen the price of bullets lately? Forgettaboudit. I'd have to mug Peter to buy bullets to mug Paul.

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Numerous-Programmer6@reddit

Yes, we mean it. But sometimes we exaggerate the compliments in order to be more encouraging. I think it’s due to the politeness culture we got going on. Personally i find things to praise people about simply because I want to make their day better lol

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TedW@reddit

Idk but you rocked it with this post, OP. Short, to the point, no fluff or filler. Really nailed this one. Great job.

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One-Ice1476@reddit

Reasons why someone might give fake praise:

They think you can't handle criticism. They dont know how, or are afraid to, give criticism. Local etiquette requires them to say nice things They are being sarcastic to subtly mock you. They are trying to encourage you, especially if they are getting ready to criticize you. They are flattering you because they want something from you.

This might be a hot take, but you can simply ask the person. "Do you mean that, or are you trying to make me feel good?"

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Bland_OldMan@reddit

A good manager will find something positive about a worker to make constructive criticism more effective. Most people will be honest in those compliments even if they're embellishing the good somewhat: "I like how you did X, but we need to improve Y"

Depending on your coworkers, this may be a little less true in the deep south or rural areas, as they tend to be more passive aggressive

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Having_A_Day@reddit

Some are genuine, some are not. If English is not your native language, be aware there are Americans who will use words that sound like praise but the way they use them is actually an insult. How prevalent this kind of behavior is varies by region and context.

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BigBadJeebus@reddit

probably genuine.

Artistically, even if we dont get something, or enjoy something, what tends to matter to us is that YOU enjoy it and are enjoying life. We really want to encourage that.

Professionally, there are two modes. If you come at us and we say something like "This is a good first step" or "how unique!", it's crap. If we are asking questions and curious, we genuinely love it. And finally If we give you a "Nice!" or a "Dig it!" or a "cool cool", see first note about art...

Basically, the opposite of France. Our healthcare suck and we have no social safety nets, but we like other people.

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Unusual_Form3267@reddit

To be honest, this is 100% on the person and where you are.

In places like the East Coast and the Midwest, people are pretty forward.

In the South and the West Coast, people might be trying to be nice to not hurt your feelings.

It's also 100% industry dependant. If you were in a Blue Collar industry, people would tell you that you suck. Same if you worked in more competitive fields like Law or Finance. If you're a creative or working in a very progressive field, then maybe not.

You kind of have to get a feel for the workplace.

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Mollywisk@reddit

Yes

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Cerulean_Shadows@reddit

Id say yes most of the time. I get a lot of enjoyment on saying nice things and seeing faces light up. I don't need to hear anything back in return. And I always mean it. My mom is the same. I have friends who do the same, and Co workers.

Naturally there will be people who flatter to gain something.

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Brennisth@reddit

"Thank you." Positive. "Thank you very much." Very positive. "Thank you so very much"="I hope you die alone of ebola." (In the south).

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Apart_Insect_8859@reddit

This drives me crazy.

So, if it is super general, like "Great job!" "So amazing!", then it is probably just them being enthusiastic, positive, and encouraging.

If it is detailed, like "the transition slide with the new data was really clear", then it is in earnest.

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Ok_Entrepreneur_8509@reddit

If you're coming from Germany, then no, the praise is mostly fake from your point of view. If you are coming from the UK, then yes, the praise is far more genuine than you are accustomed to.

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tollis1@reddit

It depends. Sometimes it feels as genuine as praise on a LinkedIn post.

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bachintheforest@reddit

I wonder about this sometimes too as an American myself. I think in a lot of cases it’s genuine, even if only as a way of saying “I recognize you put effort into that and even if it didn’t come out the best we’re still on good terms.”

Like I work in music, a lot of music education and community ensembles in particular, and after a performance you always have people saying “that was so wonderful” “they all sounded so good” even when it was a disaster. First of all, the laypeople watching may have no idea how bad it was, so you’re probably overthinking whether a compliment was “deserved” or not. Secondly, even if it was obviously not very good, people like to be positive and encouraging.

Actually “encouraging” is probably key here. Again it depends heavily on the context, but in my experience (at least as a Californian) is that people generally want to be encouraging as a way to help you be motivated to keep going, whether that’s necessarily appropriate or not. I contrast that with people I’ve worked with from other cultures that are very blunt and direct where they’ll straight up say “that was bad.” For some people this works to get them to try harder, but for some it’s also very demoralizing and they just feel like giving up.

I think a lot of Americans just like to have “keep it up!” as an attitude.

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Certain-Monitor5304@reddit

Usually I am sincere. As a Northerner I am very direct and don't do backhanded compliments or vaguely elude to things in a round about way.

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WickedRAOD@reddit

All in the tone in which it is said.

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_WillCAD_@reddit

Americans are also rude enough to tell you to your face is they think your work sucks. And then laugh about your reaction.

So when an American praises you, have no doubt that they are being genuine.

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Wooden_Airport6331@reddit

Americans are capable of being mean and judgmental just like anyone else. However, culturally we are strongly taught from childhood that it is kind to compliment and encourage people.

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Dapper-Presence4975@reddit

It depends on where you are. Down South, definitely not genuine (bless their hearts)… up North, almost certainly genuine.

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Accomplished_Key5104@reddit

In a lot of corporate environments they are quick to give praise. It's probably genuine, but I agree it feels fake when I'm congratulated on doing the most basic parts of my job.

You may find the things you would expect to get praise for are ignored entirely. I often get the most praise for things that took me less than a day, and really anyone could have done them. Then my larger projects end up launching quietly and few people take notice.

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jub-jub-bird@reddit

Some people default to encouragement and positive reinforcement and are very free with their praise and even overenthusiastic. This may be due to individual personality, the work culture of a specific office, and in some cases the work culture of certain industries. I think this also varies from region to region. North Easterner's for example having a reputation for bluntness to the point of being rude while Southerners have a reputation for being overly polite sometimes to the point of being insincere.

At the risk of being sexist in my own life I've noticed this most in professional environments dominated by middle aged women. in the particular instances I've encountered such an environment they were entirely sincere... This wasn't cases of people who are kind to your face but nasty behind your back. It was simply very sweet hearted people who couldn't say an unkind word too or about anyone... Unfortunately to such a degree that necessary criticism also went unsaid or was so indirect and muted that the people who needed to hear it didn't pick up on it.

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Outrageous_Worker672@reddit

Specifics matter. If someone says "you did a great job" that's often a platitude, if someone is specific, "I really appreciate the way you handled X thing and the customer was happy about Y" then they have usually given thought to the praise.

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ThatKaleidoscope3388@reddit

No, many people in the US tend to exaggerate when looking for positives to say about people. It’s more about positivity than accuracy.

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SonuvaGunderson@reddit

What makes you think it’s not true?

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quietlywatching6@reddit

Counts on why, they are lying. Good is relative, and we are a praise culture. Praising improvement ensures forward motion. If what you are doing is good for you, or someone with your knowledge, that's the same for most people as doing an actual good job, when it takes 2 years to learn the program. IF they are worried you are getting discouraged at your progress. We go to bat to make sure anyone new especially from a sister branch is not discouraged when dealing with weird American work politics. Reality is you probably do it, and don't even notice it at home.

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heyhomah@reddit

Personally I am honest with just about any praise I give. Same with compliments - I'm sad to hear that people abroad sometimes find compliments disingenuous because I truly do give them out sparingly and I mean them! (not that I'd expect a stranger to know that, it actually took me years to accept compliments myself lol). I'm a Midwest native and I think we're generally pretty sincere, idk about some other places in the US.

One thing I will say is if it is a "compliment sandwich", that is a way to cushion a criticism and it is typically used in the workplace as a way to deliver the aforementioned critique. Idk if it's been mentioned here yet since I didn't scroll far, but an example of a compliment sandwich is "hey OP, we love how attentive to details you are here, but we've noticed you've been late to submit [random assignment] for the last two weeks. Please make sure to get that in on time but again, you're really doing a great job, I loved that presentation you gave!"

I've heard that this can confuse foreigners when the praise goes on longer than the critique, because to the employee it just sounds like a compliment, when really it was an overly-nice way of saying "you need to improve on this asap, but we're not going to discipline you over it unless it keeps happening".

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Mite-o-Dan@reddit

MOST of the time...compliments are real. But...some might be exaggerated.

Americans like to go to the extreme in most things...even compliments. It makes them feel good so say nice things, so they might embellish a little.

Just take it and move on. Like Americans and small talk...just trying to be nice and polite to lighten a mood. Is it not 100% authentic? Probably not...but overall Id rather have someone lie to me and act fake nice, then act and say how they REALLY feel during a bad day.

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cleverusername143@reddit

This is a good take. Also I feel like many of us are taught, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

If this person is only hearing nice things but not a lot of negative comments it could just people people not wanting to go out of their way to make them feel like shit.

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Exciting_Bid_609@reddit

This is the best assessment of it. Take my compliment!

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Individual-Area7121@reddit

What specifically makes you think it’s not true?

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ChilindriPizza@reddit

Americans tend to be very optimistic. We tend to always see the good and always seek out the good. So most praise you get from us is genuine indeed.

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FewRecognition1788@reddit

If people are seeing or responding to your work (like artwork or performance) in a social situation, they will say vague, nice things about it because it is not their place to give you critique, and that would be rude.

If you want substantive feedback, ask someone privately.

The same thing applies to things like a presentation or report in a corporate office. Your peers are going to give you compliments, not criticism, because you don't report to them. If you want feedback, ask your manager 1:1.

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Stepjam@reddit

It's largely genuine. It may not necessarily be the deepest and most heartfelt praise, but it isn't like a deliberate lie.

Sorta like people being friendly with strangers. It's genuine but often "shallow". The person likely won't be thinking about you after you part ways, but in that moment, the friendliness is genuine.

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limbodog@reddit

Depends where you are. If you're in the northeast, the praise is genuine, but the mockery is also praise. Unless the praise is sarcastic.

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MessoGesso@reddit

I think the only bald face "good job" lie I received was at the end of my first day of teaching. I had been so bad, the students were saying it was horrible. I think the older assistant said that to make sure I returned the next day.

I got better and she gave sincere feedback after that, positive and negative

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Garage_Beer_Enjoyer@reddit

Positive reinforcement encourages people to take pride in themselves, feel confident, and willingly improve themselves.

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Yourlilemogirl@reddit

As an American second, and a Texan first, yes I'm being genuine when I compliment you.

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quietfangirl@reddit

That entirely depends on where in the USA you are. Northeast and West, it's probably genuine. Down South, probably not. Midwest, it's anyone's guess. As a Midwesterner myself, I like to take the praise as genuine even if they're being passive aggressive. It makes me feel better, and it absolutely infuriates the speaker.

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EnvironmentalAss@reddit

Only time it’s not genuine is when a southern person says bless your heart

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SgtHulkasBigToeJam@reddit

Great post!!! This is the kind of question we need to see more of around here. Nice work, u/Rare_Recognition7363!!

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Current_Poster@reddit

Generally, sincere.

One detail though: American business culture can feature a lot of positive-uptalk. For instance, responding to almost any question during a meeting with "good question" (whether or not it was actually a good question). So, just out of habit and having adapted to the environment, someone might call something 'amazing' or something, when it's mostly just standard. This isn't going to be true everywhere, just something to keep in mind.

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Andobu@reddit

Depends on the area and even context. I’m from a small big city in the West and we generally don’t sugar coat things, but when I moved to LA in my 20’s I found a lot of loveable and not so loveable ass kissers. I found it extremely confusing!

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NoFlimFlamtheZimZam@reddit

Americans lie about everything/s

Your terrible at your job. Is that what you want to hear?

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Mysterious-Web-8788@reddit

You'd need to be more specific, I can't really pinpoint what you're referring to, sorry

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darw1nf1sh@reddit

If I praise you, I mean it. If I say nothing, then I have nothing good to say. Alternately, I jab the people I love. The whole roasting vibe is real if I like you. If I dont' know you or actively dislike you, I am just neutral. Polite but flat. I love this about the British sensibility; taking the piss out of someone. But If I complement you, then it is real.

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unix_name@reddit

Mmmm, maybe what you were hearing was sarcasm, but unless it’s sarcasm, most Americans probably won’t open their mouths to lie to you about the good work you have done.

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Slight-Signal-2234@reddit

Some people may commonly "fluff up" their praise especially in a work setting, but most of the time it comes from a very genuine and encouraging place.

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AlltheFerns@reddit

When I give a compliment I mean it. Why lie in this situation?

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macrocosm93@reddit

Usually yes, but there is a concept of "sugarcoating" which is basically trying to say things in the nicest way possible or avoid pointing out the bad.

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PhatdaddyHo@reddit

Yes, it's genuine. If I don't like something about a stranger, I just remain silent.

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LingoVille@reddit

as a non-native English speaker this confused me so much when I first started talking to Americans online. Someone would say "oh wow your English is amazing!" and I'd be like... is it though? or are you just being nice?

Took me a while to realize most of the time they genuinely mean it, they're just way more expressive about it than people from my culture. Where I'm from people don't really compliment strangers so it felt fake at first but it's honestly just a cultural difference

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VinceP312@reddit

I cynically think this is regional.

I grew up in Chicago and lived a few years in SF Bay Area for work.

I found SF people "fake nice" , where as Chicago to be polite but genuine. And NY to be terse but genuine.

And LA to be Fake and Self-centered.

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Dandylion71888@reddit

Your first mistake is assuming everywhere in the US is the same. Depending on where you are can really impact how people interact.

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BillWeld@reddit

We learn in kindergarten to play nice and be somewhat effusive and encouraging. It doesn't mean we're lying, only that we're trying to help and maybe see you as someone who could use some help.

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Street-Length9871@reddit

why would you think it is not true. American culture embraces compliments. If I like your outfit, I am gonna tell you. If you are looking cute, gonna tell you. Proud of you for a job well done, gonna tell you.

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digitalpacifier@reddit

I am

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InvestigatorJaded261@reddit

Depends a lot where you are in the country, and the kind of individuals you are dealing with.

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Gail_the_SLP@reddit

I would say for the most part Americans don’t want someone to feel bad so they may not tell you what they actually think in person. If you want to know honest opinions, it might be better to ask strangers on the Internet for feedback. Then you will hear all the negative things they won’t tell you in person.

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carmichaelcar@reddit

“That’s a v thoughtful question” 🙂

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historyhill@reddit

I can't speak for all Americans of course, but I've never been insincere with a compliment. To steal a line I read recently, it might be a little over-performative but it's never pretend.

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ohmygotchi@reddit

Unless you know the person making the compliment is hateful, you should take compliments at face value.

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Angry_GorillaBS@reddit

In my experience there is typically little praise, so if you hear any it's likely genuine.

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HurtsCauseItMatters@reddit

Yes. It makes us feel good about ourselves to compliment others. Its also our way of trying to make you feel like less of an outsider if we perceive that you feel that way. We're attempting to welcome you into the majority group. However, that's not a requisite for compliments. we also say them just to be nice.

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MidtownFrown@reddit

Yes we are genuine with our praise, because it cost nothing. And you get so much back for it.

I worked for a large corporation who taught their managers this. They weren't good with raises. But if a manager saw you do anything close to physical they were very quick to say thank you. And thanked you for a hard days work at the end of the day. And it worked for them.

Now Americans don't want anything from you when they compliment you. But it cost nothing, and can be quite rewarding or neutral at worst, so why not.

However they won't make up a reason to compliment you. If you got a compliment you earned it.

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EgoSenatus@reddit

I’d say a good rule of thumb is if the compliment is unprompted, then it’ll be genuine. If you’re trying to illicit a response from someone (either by asking them for a review or presenting them with something for critique), then it’s very personal dependent on if they’re genuine or not.

You’re building a sandcastle on a beach and a passerby compliments it? That’s probably real.

You hand your coworker a cupcake you baked or ask a friend how your essay looks? They may tell you the truth or they may lie to spare your feelings, it really depends on the morals of that person.

I generally don’t like lying to people. If you give me food that could use improvement, I’ll give constructive criticism; but, last week, my boss asked me to proof read a eulogy for her dad’s funeral. It needed pacing and grammar improvements, but I said it looked good as is. It wasn’t illegible, but it could’ve been much better. For multiple reasons, I felt it better to lie in that context.

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Any-Concentrate-1922@reddit

It depends on the context, and frankly, it also depends on the region. In some regions, people are over the top and sometimes come off as disingenuous. Or sometimes if asked, "Do you like this," some people will say yes to be polite because they were asked.

But if it's your boss or if someone has gone out of their way to come over and compliment your painting or something, then they probably mean it.

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nebraskajone@reddit

Yeah white lies they are callled

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Manderthal13@reddit

Always start out by assuming good intent.

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tetrasodium@reddit

Sometimes it's just a way of saying something nice about a thing someone else is proud of but the person giving the praise doesn't understand or care about what the thing is and why they are proud/excited.

That's not generally malicious though.

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Opening-Ad-2769@reddit

Maybe you are bot picking up on sarcasm.

That's going to be a tone of voice thing.

Otherwise, they may just be polite remarks. Generally I find that people praise each other more even for simple accomplishments.

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TokyoDrifblim@reddit

If you've done two things wrong and one thing right we generally will hone in on the thing you've done right and praise it. Just how it is here. I don't think anybody's lying

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Inspi@reddit

Be wary of southern ladies saying "bless your heart". Other than that, probably genuine.

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TiFist@reddit

When alone as a statement, yes-- generally it's sincere.
When delivering criticism, Americans do not value the same kind of direct communication that is socially acceptable in many societies (e.g. Germany) so if you need to deliver a critical statement about someone's work, you'd typically lead with some praise to balance it out. "The icing on this cake is delicious, but the cake is a little dry." If you have to deliver really harsh criticism, the trick is to make a "sandwich" where you say a nice thing, the criticism, and one more nice thing.

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Dr-Gooseman@reddit

Less so at work and more in social situations, but a lot of people give phony praise / compliments.

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Reaganson@reddit

Some are, some are not. You can’t generalize. The U.S. States have their own cultures within cultures.

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boosayrian@reddit

If you ask for their opinion the answer might be a lie. If they offer praise unprovoked it’s probably true.

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WhereNextCols@reddit

Did they say, “God bless your heart.”

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Aloh4mora@reddit

I try to find the best things about anything, and focus on complementing those parts, especially when someone is hesitant or seems like they need some encouragement.

If I think they can handle feedback on the bad parts, I might tell them some parts I think they could improve.

Maybe your American friends or coworkers are trying to give you confidence to do better, by praising your first attempts.

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suzemagooey@reddit

Most Americans shade the truth from what I have experienced. Too many consider being a good manipulator on the same level as skillful.

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PeanutterButter101@reddit

Having been in the corporate world for 15 years I'd say there is plenty of fake praise.

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HippieJed@reddit

It depends. If someone says bless your heart they are not asking the almighty to bestow kindness.

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jane2857@reddit

One lie is acceptable. The new baby is adorable. Some newborns are just a mess. But you should compliment nicely. Older kids compliment a feature that looks nice. Beautiful hair, smile, eyes. Costs nothing and parents love it. On instagram some Moms show their newborns picture and the baby is hideous in that particular photo and they thought at the time their baby was the most beautiful ever. In retrospect they realize the hormones were working overtime. They often show a later picture and the baby is adorable. I have 4 grandsons and show pictures like a standard grandmother. My youngest is particularly good looking. Very common to hear. “Oh my Goodness he’s beautiful. I mean really!” His dad thinks people are saying what is expected. But when you have people come up to when you’re out and about and compliment him m, you’re pretty sure it’s real. He smiles a lot and probably helps. And as he grows and changes he might not be attractive at all. All 4 of them are nice looking but more importantly nice kids and a pleasure to be around.

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Goat_inna_Tree@reddit

Are you doing a half assed job and know you could have done better? Cause if you are, you might just be a waste of oxygen

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Gertrude_D@reddit

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. This is a saying we all know and take to heart (for the most part - edgy assholes aside) I think most people try to find the good in something and are uncomfortable being blunt or impolite.

That's not to say every compliment is genuine. Most of them will be, however. They might be exaggerated and not balanced with the critisisms they might have but won't say, but they are probably genuine.

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Ok-Possibility-9826@reddit

Particularly in the workplace, we don’t really tend to praise folks if we don’t mean it, tbh. We’ll deprecate tf out of someone and mean it, but praise tends to be genuine.

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thedawntreader85@reddit

I make it a point to tell the truth when I'm praising someone. Telling the truth in general is the best policy.

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secrerofficeninja@reddit

What work are you doing? I think that may matter for this conversation.

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J0J0388@reddit

Only 2 options really. They mean it or they say it sarcastically if you make a huge mistake.

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Loisgrand6@reddit

Bless your heart can mean I empathize with you, you’re silly or your elevator doesn’t go to the top floor

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how33dy@reddit

At work, if they don't compliment you on something specific you're doing, it means you're not fvcking up at the moment.

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ilovjedi@reddit

Are they doing the criticism sandwich? This is something I’ve been taught several times. You try to point out what someone is doing well before saying what they need to improve. But the complement would be real though it might be a bit of an exaggeration.

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Altaira99@reddit

Take the compliment. Don't overthink it.

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MacaroonUpstairs7232@reddit

Southerners arent genuine, Northerners are but not nice about it. What that means is a southerner will lie to your face while sounding nice and giving compliments, while a northerner will sound like he is being an AH but is actually giving you a compliment. This does not include midwesterners, dessert states, Texas, the PNW or Cali because I am not familiar with them

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airberger@reddit

Praise for work done is likely genuine. Praise for other things (clothes, haircuts, etc) may not be.

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Drunk_Lemon@reddit

Usually yes. If they dont think you are doing good, they usually dont say anything. Unless they are southern, in which case they may say "bless your heart".

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Prestigious-Dog-2150@reddit

Americans praise things they like or admire. Why would they make things up?

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Esmer_Tina@reddit

You might feel like people are just saying nice things to be polite. But that’s OK, right? It’s just a nice interaction and then you go on with your day.

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_mxwrestle@reddit

Have you been able to pick up on sarcasm yet?

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Neb-Nose@reddit

The United States is enormous with lots and lots of subcultures. Then, there is the matter of individual personalities. It’s impossible to say whether the compliments you’ve been receiving are sincere or not, and we couldn’t possibly know that we knew the people involved, where you are working, etc..

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Active-Night4551@reddit

Why would we lie? You may think your work is bad, but obviously the other people are appreciating it.

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Cheap_Coffee@reddit

is there a way I can figure out when it is real and then it is not ?

Ask a second person for an opinion? There are certain people who are very timid and/or conflict-avoidant so rather than saying something they feel might be negative, they will lie to you.

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Drunk_Lemon@reddit

Am one of those people so I can confirm.

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Sweaty_Atmosphere503@reddit

True

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ReadingRainbowie@reddit

Do you have difficulty understanding sarcasm? That could be where the confusion lies.

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diaznuts@reddit

Depends on which part of the USA you’re in. Each region of the United States is basically its own country when it comes to cultural norms and sometimes it takes time to understand.

As a generalization, Southerners and Midwesterners value politeness and preserving honor over honesty. So they will absolutely give you praise to your face but criticism behind your back. Meanwhile, people in the Northeast value honesty over faux politeness. Northerners will be brutally honest to your face because that is considered the polite thing to do.

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apocalypticdachshund@reddit

imo americans don’t have the same culture as other countries that value saving face at the expense of someone else in casual conversation. my gf spent time in thailand during high school, and no one corrected how she said her name (it was very similar to the word “prostitute”) until she met some americans there.

but also hey, build some confidence! you’re probably doing just fine. and if they don’t mean it, there’s not really much you can do. take a compliment and run with it. it feels much better than thinking about it too hard.

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DragonScrivner@reddit

I wouldn’t tell you that you were doing a good job unless I actually thought you were, if fact, doing a good job.

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Both_Painter_9186@reddit

Regionally specific.

New England / North East / NY-NJ - people might come off like dicks but are actually genuine. If you’re fucking up- they will tell you. If they give you a compliment, it’s real. The Pacific Northwest is somewhat like this too but a little more quiet and reserved- they also might use the velvet hammer where they wrap criticism in a compliment. Like “i really like what you did HERE, but Im not sure about THERE.”

Midwest - people are always nice so its hard to tell if they mean it or don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Southeast - verbally people pretend to be nice. They might say you’re doing a good job to save face but could snicker about you behind your back if you aren’t. If they mean a compliment there might be a physical gesture involved. If a handshake or back slap is involved, they mean it.

California - usually non confrontational and will use the velvet hammer when criticizing.

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MrLongWalk@reddit

Generally, yes

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Anxious-Auditor-5880@reddit

How do you know? They may actually think it’s good.

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Zahrad70@reddit

Bless your heart.

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Texasscot56@reddit

Once you can fake sincerity you’ve got it made.

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No-Kaleidoscope-166@reddit

What kind of work?

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theegodmother1999@reddit

no i think you're a bit confused. americans greet people with "hey how are you" a lot even though we don't *really* care in that moment. it's just a casual greeting. but work and work ethic a big deal here so someone praising it is usually them being honest OR they're trying to butter you up in order for you to do something for them lom

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Apprehensive_Run6642@reddit

Context is everything here. I don’t know what that other poster was talking about, false compliments are absolutely a thing in a significant portion of the country.

Where specifically are you? The fake compliments in the south are different than they are in socal, and there are a lot of nuances to it that you might not get.

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OPsDaddy@reddit

Holding this space to paste an image.

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DoublePostedBroski@reddit

How do you know they’re praising your work and it’s untrue?

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Potential-Current-62@reddit

It’s usually politeness

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Financial_Island2353@reddit

Anywhere except the South, they’re most likely being genuine. Southerners can be sarcastic or be passive aggressive but cover it up with a phrase that sounds nice lol

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gleaming-the-cubicle@reddit

Why did you think they were lying?

"Seriously, I was doing a shit job" 🤣

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False-Cookie3379@reddit

Sounds like that one person you’re referring to might not be nice. Every time I’ve given or received praise it’s been genuine.

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uncouthulu_@reddit

Is money or prestige involved? Almost certainly not.

Was the praise given without prompting and not tied to a transaction? Probably yes

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