British-Norwegian couple looking into adoption in the UK – where do we start?

[-]

nikkijxd@reddit

Friends with adopters and my brother and SIL tried to adopt.

Foster to adopt - more likely to be eased into the process, possible the child will go back to birth family as the UK treats that as the goal of fostering (re-unification)

Adoption - all UK adoptions are "open" but contact is restricted and through social workers.

All processes are slow and invasive. There's a chance you won't be matched with a child. Your motives will be questioned and your citizenship will be questioned (SIL is American which is why they couldn't adopt).

Take some time to grieve, take a trip somewhere nice, then look at what you really want.

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

Not quite true re the “open” adoption.
The birth parents of my daughter have no idea where she is or who adopted her.
Social workers and a family judge decide what level of contact is appropriate which can be nothing at all.

My daughter can, when she is old enough, contact social services for help finding information on them if she chooses to.

[-]

ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

'Open' means that the child knows that they are adopted.

Courts can recommend contact - both direct and (more commonly) indirect (where the birth parents may recie annual updates , for instance, but ultimately it will be the (adoptive) parents choice .

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

I’m so used to the US centric posts on Reddit I assumed they meant open in that all parties are known to each other. As a UK adoptive mum I was clarifying the contact element.

You are quite right that the expectation is that the child will be fully aware that they are adopted, which I agree with 100%!

[-]

nikkijxd@reddit

Yes the way the Americans do adoptions is very different to the rest of the world!!

My SIL was quite upset that if they were approved they would have to tell the child. The American way is definitely shown more in media.

[-]

StuckWithThisOne@reddit

All adopted children should know from day 1 tbh.

[-]

nikkijxd@reddit

"Open" was in reference to the difference in some countries that do adoptions where the child is never aware of the process. It is rare for them to be fully closed in the UK and the child gets rights to find out about their birth parents when they are old enough.

[-]

escapingfromelba@reddit

The issue is that contrary to popular belief there aren't vast amounts of cute little babies being given up so you end up adopting older children who can be massively damaged by their early life. That can bring massive problems into your life that can be seriously hard on you rather than replicating the life your friends have with their own children or the life you didn't get to lead as you might be thinking now.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0kdv1x83gko

Do a lot of research.

[-]

StuckWithThisOne@reddit

My best friend in high school was an only child and when she was maybe 15, her mother decided to start the adoption process with a 4 or 5 year old girl. They fostered her first. The girl had a lot of severe issues, she was violent and would threaten to hurt my friend in the night, they’d find her looking for knives and things. She’d draw scary pictures and leave threatening notes around the house. It was unbelievable. My friend ended up sleeping in bed with her mother for a while because she was so afraid. This is an extreme example but the level of fear it gave my friend damaged her. Permanently. She developed severe anxiety that never went away. It’s been ten years and she’s still suffering with the damage. They did not adopt the girl.

[-]

DiDiPLF@reddit

Even younger children and babies are more likely to have issues.

[-]

grandhighblood@reddit

I'm a bio kid of my parents but my brother is adopted. He was in care from birth, in foster care for a year before my parents adopted him - they got lucky and got the cute little baby that they wanted. He still has grown up to have lifelong issues. ADHD, dyslexia, probably autism and all that, but also likely foetal alcohol syndrome. Muscle weakness. Permanent trust and mental health issues from a trauma he has literally no memory of.

Thankfully, they do warn you about this stuff when you're going through the adoption process. My parents had to take a few classes to ensure they were ready to handle an adopted child (and I got a few worksheets from a social worker). But a few classes can never truly prepare you.

[-]

faroffland@reddit

You are biologically primed to imprint on your parents (particularly your mother) from birth. Your baby learns your voice/heartbeat whilst still in the womb and will learn individual traits like your smell in a matter of hours. Newborn’s eyesight has a short focus which is the range from a chest to a face - they cannot focus further than this for the first few weeks and will learn to recognise your face extremely quickly.

The belief you are born a blank slate is wrong, you are born a sponge that already knows certain aspects of your mother and is primed to absorb info about her and your father/main caregivers. This process starts happening in the womb. However early you adopt you cannot completely mitigate this trauma.

[-]

escapingfromelba@reddit

I'd suggest that you are massively over egging something that is true to a degree.

The point people are making for the OP is that there's tiny numbers of babies to where you aren't realistically ever going to get one, and that means adopting older children. And the fact that they are being put up for adoption means in effect that they've had a lot of problems in life, and that's the damage that we are talking about.

Yes, the NCT view of skin to skin and what not is technically true, but it's just not going to be a factor for this topic that matters.

[-]

faroffland@reddit

I’m not over-egging it, there is a lot of new scientific being done into this area. The point is that no child you’re taking on is a blank slate which some people seem to believe, even if you adopt a newborn baby the very act of adoption can lead to attachment issues. That’s not just ‘technically true’ it’s something all adoptees should know about and consider, idk why you would want someone to go in blind to that tbh.

[-]

escapingfromelba@reddit

Again, it's going to be utterly marginal. Perhaps in twenty years we'll have evidence that it's significant enough to be worthy of note for the OP, but today it's simply marginal. A classic case of someone wanting to insert an edge case where research is more gut than solid to appear to be contributing.

[-]

Lotty2@reddit

I wholly disagree that it is marginal. The evidence is already out there; we don't need to wait 20 years. We are talking fairly rudimentary infant/child psychology here.

Agree, it is not something directly asked by OP, but hugely relevant nonetheless. Nor is it something not widely discussed by social workers at the vetting process (why, I don't know). This, however, does not negate it's significance.

[-]

escapingfromelba@reddit

Except it isn't.

[-]

faroffland@reddit

Lmaooo someone clearly pissed in your cereals this morning. Sorry you’re the only person on reddit whose contribution is worth something I guess 🙄

[-]

escapingfromelba@reddit

I honestly don't know what you expected to get back. You jumped in that was as I said of no use to the OP as it's such so pernickety and seem to want everyone to pat you on the back for being ever so smart.

[-]

Glad-Pomegranate6283@reddit

My mum fostered and one of the children was born addicted to opiates. She would scream and cry so much, my mum was only told able said boo mum’s addiction when a couple adopted her

[-]

bacon_cake@reddit

My wife and I have a son and we thought about adopting our second child but this made us change our mind. Even uncertainty about family health history made us really nervous.

[-]

Mysterious_Week8357@reddit

Most children where adoption is the outcome are removed from their biological family, rather than given up by them. So most children have been through some traumatic and/ or harmful experiences (even in utero)

You can say that you are only interested in young babies or have preferences about known level of difficulty in terms of health and development, but the closer to completely healthy developmentally normal new born baby you express a preference for, the longer you will have to wait, and the call might never come

[-]

Simon_Says_2@reddit

Adoption UK has lots of info for prospective adopters that might be helpful

[-]

Welshbuilder67@reddit

Contact your local council/authorities Social Services dept/website and search Adoption services.

[-]

Melendine@reddit

Adoption is difficult.

Culturally most British women who don’t want a pregnancy get an abortion.

So the vast majority of children are ‘available’ because of neglect.

And even of those who are ‘available’, a lot of them are only available to be fostered with bio-family visits.

[-]

Gulbasaur@reddit

So the vast majority of children are ‘available’ because of neglect.

You have to go through training and classes to be considered for adoption and they emphasise that for most children, the worst thing that can or will happen to them has already happened and this will have left them vulnerable and traumatised.

That said, if you are able to be the right parent for a child whose worst case scenario has happened, there are absolutely children who need loving parents to give them the childhood they deserve.

[-]

tmr89@reddit

Bio-family visits sound awkward

[-]

AcceptableCustomer89@reddit

Do you have to? In this thread? Really?

[-]

Affectionate_Yak6138@reddit

I’m not a social worker but I work with adoption data and adoption managers for a local authority.

In our local authority, if a child is taken into care under the age of 5 we will explore adoption as a potential plan whilst looking at other family members. Generally you won’t see any child over that age unless they are an older sibling to a younger child. The majority of children we look at adoption for are younger than the age of 2. We very rarely get relinquished babies, the youngest are generally removed at birth and will be in foster care for a period of time whilst family assessments are completed.

The assessment process for adoptive parents is extensive and quite invasive. Generally, if the social workers think you are not a good fit you will be counselled out of the process at an early stage (stage 1). There are guideline times for how long the process should take (2 months for stage 1, 4 months for stage 2), however the majority of councils don’t meet that first timescale. You’re looking at the better part of a year from start to finish.

The next timescale aim is 3 months from approval to a child being placed with you, however there will be an extensive matching process during that time. There will be bumping in sessions, meeting with the child’s social worker etc. Once a child is placed you will continue to get visits from social workers until the adoption is made formal, which can take a while due to court delays etc.

Adopted children, even those removed at birth are more likely to require additional support than children in the general population.

There is also support available post adoption. I’m not sure if there is a more “local offer” but my particular council offers therapeutic services for any looked after or formally looked after child and their family. In addition to this there is a central government fund called the adoption support fund, that is available to any adopted child and their families for any therapy etc that may be required. In my council there is a dedicated team that helps families access this.

There are also less formal support in groups run by adopters, facebook groups etc. that may also be more “check your local offer” however I’d be surprised if most councils didn’t have groups like this.

[-]

davus_maximus@reddit

Unfortunately all the friends I know who have attempted adoption found the process extremely stressful and orders of magnitude more difficult than anything else in life. The process broke them and they gave up at the point of candidate selection (for want of a more human term). Be prepared to wait years and be reduced to tears repeatedly.

[-]

continentaldreams@reddit

My friends adopted two girls and it broke down due to some severe behavioural issues. They were having to lock the children in their bedrooms as they were attacking each other - pulling out hair, hitting each other to the point of breaking limbs, etc. They were in hospital every other week due to refusing to eat or drink.

Social services were as useful as a chocolate fireguard. They have put me off adopting unfortunately :(

[-]

unreasonable_tea@reddit

This was similar to my experience and I got off lightly compared to friends. I've known adopters end up in police cells overnight due to claims from very damaged children, then losing their jobs which required DBS. Social services were nowhere to be seen which is a common theme once the paperwork is signed.

[-]

banwe11@reddit

Conversely I went through the adoption process a couple of years ago with four other couples, and all five of us now have adopted children.

[-]

unreasonable_tea@reddit

Adoption is the UK is broken. They dont report stats accurately or at all in some cases so outcomes look positive to attract more people to do it. I would advise if you're adamant doing it look into fostering or foster to adopt instead. You will get a child with trauma, and likely additional needs from drugs/alcohol and you will get 0 support. Your 2 days of training will be woefully inadequate and you'll be blamed for everything by social workers who insist having a loving home makes up for 9 months of alcohol abuse in pregnancy!

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

It’s more than 2 days and there is support for you to access. Admittedly more is always better but every social care area is stretched thin. But it’s there.

We have received a lot of support from post adoption services and even funding from the post adoption support fund, and I know others who have accessed the same.

[-]

unreasonable_tea@reddit

It was 2 days for us. That was it and we had 0 support. We must run in different circles as post adoption support has been totally awol for my adoption friends. There's a great group of people I'm part of who have been there for each other during investigations of neglect, finding out your child is committing unforgivable crimes and child to parent abuse. There's always a common theme from social services which is blaming the adopters.

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

That’s really disappointing to hear. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, all services seem to be a postcode lottery unfortunately. And we have certainly encountered more than our fair share of shitty social workers.
Fingers crossed things improve.

[-]

Tatty_Bunneh_@reddit

Offering a different perspective as a social worker here!

It is extremely intrusive. We drag up absolutely everything about your childhood etc. The assessment process is long and finding the right match can be even longer. We don't have an abundance of children waiting to be adopted and every child will have some level of trauma. This is something most people really don't think about enough. Even a newborn or 6 month old is very likely to come with some kind of trauma and there's also the consideration of what the child has experienced in the womb (drugs, alcohol etc). Are you committed and able to learn about parenting children with trauma?

Another thing I think people aren't prepared for is that contact with birth parents/family is a must now. You will be asked (and expected) to maintain some level of contact between birth family and the child you're adopting. This could be through letter box contact but increasingly there is a push from police and law makers for there to be in person contact as well.

All that said, the children I work with are incredible and my life wouldn't be the same without them. I'm honoured to be a part of their lives and wish I could watch them all grow up.

[-]

JS_AH@reddit

I believe there is a strong preference that if the decision to adopt is made due to being unable to have children naturally, that the parents-to-be should have done some work exploring this - in therapy for example.

I had friends in this boat and they were asked a lot about this to ensure they were emotionally ready and to ensure the children weren't to be perceived as a "second best" option

[-]

Tattycakes@reddit

Not to mention that’s it’s not unheard of for couples to miraculously conceive after adopting, and you’ve then got the biological child vs adopted child situation.

[-]

SarkyMs@reddit

I have heard the stress drop off is what does it.

[-]

banwe11@reddit

You don't have to show that you have had therapy, but they will want you to wait 6 months after eg finishing IVF before starting the adoption process just to make sure you have had time to reflect on the decision and move on.

[-]

Breaking-Dad-@reddit

We were foster parents who decided we wanted to go the next step and adopt. Firstly, having been through all of the work to become foster parents you then need to start again to become adopters (unless you foster a child who then becomes available to adopt).

It is a long and intrusive process (around 18 months from memory) and you will be exposed to some quite upsetting stories as part of the process. Once you have been passed as suitable for adopting you then have to go through a matching process which our social worker said was like tinder for kids - we got a website with a list of kids needing to be adopted and if you register your interest their social worker reviews your profile and decides if you are a match. This can take a while, "perfect" babies are few and far between so you need to decide on what you think you want. It is easier to adopt sibling groups because a lot of people don't want to do that.

I think things have changed a bit since we did it, but the meeting to the kids coming to live with us was incredibly short (about a week or maybe two) and then you have a new child or children in your life. At this point, despite what they say, support from social services will disappear and you will be left to cope on your own.

See u/escapingfromelba's comment and the BBC article it links to.

If you do go down this route, be prepared for it to be a lot harder than you imagined. All of these kids have some sort of trauma and it does not go away. Push for everything you can get from social services - there is help but they do not like to offer it until you are at breaking point so get it from the beginning.

I sound doom and gloom because I want you to realise how hard this can be. But also you will be doing one of the most amazing things anyone can do, giving a family to a child who has lost theirs for some reason. And you will have much joy too. But do not underestimate what it entails.

Good luck, and if you want to DM me feel free.

[-]

Puddingcesss@reddit

Hi, do you know if we can choose what aged child we would like? And is there a minimum age from which a baby can be adopted?

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

As part of the process we were asked what age ranges we felt comfortable adopting, as well as level of disability. They made it clear that adopting a baby is highly unlikely as the time it takes to decide reunification is definitely not an option a lot of time will pass. For example our daughter was in foster care at 4 months and she was there for a year before they decided adoption would be for the best.

It’s not easy but to maximise the chance of a very young baby would be to apply to foster-adopt. But there’s a chance the baby will go to birth family even after you have fostered them for a time. We decided not to do that as it would have been to hard too“give up” the child if the adoption was never approved.

[-]

Breaking-Dad-@reddit

They aim to have babies adopted by 6 months but are t doesn’t always work out that way. Remember you’ll probably be bottle feeding too. We fostered a baby for about a year before they were moved to their adopted family.
You can choose what you like but I hate to say it like this, competition is fierce for very young children. You have better chance if you’re prepared to take on a sibling group. It is more likely that a baby will be taken into care if it is a second child and the mother is already known to social services.

[-]

RNEngHyp@reddit

I don't think anyone is under the illusion that it's an easy process!

[-]

faroffland@reddit

Idk a fair few people have a very ‘adopt don’t shop!’ approach to adoption as if it’s as easy as getting a rescue dog. It’s a gruelling process and as this commenter touched on most kids have behavioural challenges resulting from trauma. It’s absolutely not getting a baby or young child as a ‘blank slate’ like some people seem to believe.

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

Yes, this research is very interesting. I agree that regardless of age there is trauma.

The other interesting point is you never know when it will show itself. My daughter on paper had “no issues”. Fostered at under 6 months with no health or development concerns when she came home at 18 months. All was as well as it can be raising a toddler. Then age 5 all that trauma started to show itself. She will be receiving therapy long term and we have had to completely adjust our parenting and will again quite likely when puberty hits! It’s a never ending road but 100% worth while.

[-]

catsarealienspies@reddit

My daughter is almost the opposite! At a year old she was labelled "difficult to place" and we were warned of potential problems in the future. She's definitely behind her peers with learning and a little socially, and also has some mild motor skills issues, but on the whole is completely "normal" (for lack of a better word!). I am dreading the teenage years though as boy is she bloody sassy already! 🤣

[-]

catsarealienspies@reddit

Adoptive mom here to a 6 year old! Adopted her when she was 1 year old.

First step would be to contact your local agency and see if they have any information evenings to attend. If you want to proceed, they'll either call you or come round to have an initial discussion. This will be to determine you're proceedable or not before they assign you a social worker and start you onto stage 1.

It's a pretty intense process!

[-]

lillenille@reddit

Hard to answer this question if we don't know what your legal status is. Is one partner British, and the other Norwegian? NTL visa, indefinite leave etc???

You also need to show you have explored in therapy how you feel about infertility. There are courses that you need to participate in.

Chances of you getting baby is very low. It will be a child above two, even older.

Have you thought about how it would make the child feel to have to fill the void in your life of not being able to have biological children? Do you have prior experience with taking care of children? There is so much to consider when it will affect a whole other human beings life for the rest of their life too,not just your own.

Perhaps get some therapy first so you know this is what you want to do, and it's not something you are rushing into for the sake of having a child in your life.

[-]

According-Let3541@reddit

I just want to add a note of caution here which reiterates what others have said - take time to reflect on why you want to adopt and what you are ready for. Counselling is important, as is the realism that the child you adopt is likely to be highly traumatised and require significant support. It’s important to be sure you both want this as well - I know two couples who adopted who split up - both couples identified the pressure of the adoption and their child’s needs as factors in their split and in both couples, one parent admitted that they went along with adoption more for their partner than out of any real desire themselves.

I’m not saying this is the case for everyone and perhaps it says more about my friendship groups than anything else. But I just think it’s important that you make a decision for yourself, not just as a couple.

[-]

Ennochie@reddit

All the best to you two. My sister/BiL adopted 3 siblings, and I am so proud of what they did for them. It's a good thing you're doing.

"Where do (you) start?" Well, like a lot of things in the UK, start with realising there isn't a UK-wide system. So in the case of adoption, the legal statutes governing the process differ in Scotland and England. It's probably different in NI, too.

So if you're in England (which is statistically likely), start by registering with an adoption agency. This government website outliines the bones of the process:

https://www.gov.uk/child-adoption

[-]

Dismal_Fox_22@reddit

I’m an adopter and have friends who went through the process and were turned down. The main reason they were turned down was that it was too recent that they had discovered they couldn’t have children naturally. They generally want a cooling off period of a year or two. It makes sense. Adoption isn’t the alternative to having a birth child. It’s a very different parenting journey.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

Have you considered surrogacy from abroad ?

[-]

PineappleFrittering@reddit

Buying a baby, separated immediately from its mother, is morally repugnant. There's a reason you have to go abroad, and there's a reason commercial surrogacy is not allowed here. It is exploitative and inherently so.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

? The mother is one who provides the egg. The father is the one who provides the sperm

[-]

Zyrrus@reddit

Sure, but the baby bonds with its birth mother for many months in the womb. Even if the birth mother agrees to give the child up, the separation is extremely traumatic for an infant and has psychological ramifications for the rest of their lives.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

You reckon if a newborn is separated from its “birth mother” immediately at birth and given a loving mum and dad who take great care, the child is going to have “psychological ramifications “ for the rest of its life ?

[-]

Spiralforeverafter@reddit

And who is carrying the baby and going through child birth?

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

That’s the Surrogate Mother

Some countries glass the mother as genetic mother

Some countries glass it as the one who gave birth

[-]

just-visiting-3955@reddit

And in the UK, the mother is the woman who gives birth, and the 2nd parent is her spouse.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

Yes those are the legal positions

In cases where a woman has been raped and given birth- her spouse is legally the father. The law needs to change

[-]

PiorkoZCzapkiJaskra@reddit

That's a very ethically shakey option. I can't have children and I've daydreamed about it for years until I really sat down to think about what it really is; extreme exploitation and commodification of life.

Of course I still wish I could have a child which would have my genes and a "blank slate" from birth, but that's not something that can be achieved ethically, and is inherently a selfish thing to want.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

What if you met the surrogate mother and you were satisfied she knew what she was getting into, she explained how the money will help her family do X and Y , and she agreed to go ahead ?

[-]

Mysterious-Start6092@reddit

It's unethical to do that to a child.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

If the child is loved and adored by their biological parents ?

[-]

vros1607@reddit

The fact that “the money would help her family do X and Y” is part of what makes it ethically shakey.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

X and Y might be “pay for their children’s education” or “buy a home”

[-]

strawberryletter-23-@reddit

Women shouldn't be forced to sell their body and risk death to achieve this.

[-]

Widebody_lover@reddit

What a progressive approach

We allow women to work as prostitures and undertake risky jobs such as the army.

[-]

MermaidPigeon@reddit

I’m not sure on this but want to say thank u for being one of the few that take this route ❤️ your going to make a child so happy

[-]

ejcg1996@reddit

Have you considered adopting from abroad? The only people I know in the UK who successfully adopted did so via the US. not something you’d immediately think of re: “international adoption,” but there are a lot more infants available for adoption in the US because of restrictive abortion laws and there’s no language barrier for you.

[-]

mondeomantotherescue@reddit

Are you rich? I am available.

[-]

agro_arbor@reddit

Damn, beat me to it! No lengthy process with me!!

[-]

Budget_Bandicoot_411@reddit (OP)

😂😂

[-]

Mammothsherd@reddit

The comments so far feel a bit negative to me - I have several friends who are adoptive parents, although not one myself.

I can however recommend a charity - home for good. www.homeforgood.org.uk

They support adoptive families, are an excellent source of support and information, and probably have a network of families in your area that you can link with for info, sharing etc.

They are a Christian charity, but faith is not a requirement.

[-]

ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

I think realsitic, rather than negative.

It can be hugely rewarding ad very positive for both the child and the paretns. But it is not easy, The process of getting to the point of being ableto adopt is lengthy and hard work, and sadly it doesn't always end in happily ever after

[-]

NicShyWalker@reddit

Agreed. As someone struggling with fertility there certainly seems to be a misconception among my own well-meaning family and friends that adoption is simply a case of popping down to your local orphanage and taking your pick from an abundant selection of healthy newborns 🙃

[-]

Adventurous_Spot1183@reddit

Yeah, people need to go in with a realistic idea. Unfortunately it's very common for the first thing to be suggested after infertility to be adoption. Adoption is hard. It takes a certain type of person who realises this, and understands the adopted child didn't ask for this and they may never get the 'thanks' or emotional reward they are seeking. Adoption is lifelong - that cute toddler may turn into a very damaged teenager despite all your efforts, and that can be devastating.

[-]

Mammothsherd@reddit

Maybe so - as I say, only have second hand experience. Wanted to comment to link Home for good, mostly.

[-]

fire-lizaard@reddit

Adoptive parent here. As others have said, it can be tough (as well as amazing!), a strong support network helps.

A few suggestions:

- Try your local authority adoption team first, they usually hold regular info sessions
- Voluntary adoption agencies also worth a look https://cvaa.org.uk/agency-finder/
- Talk to other adopters, we’re a friendly bunch! Orgs like We Are Family have online and local peer support groups once you’re a bit further into the process https://wearefamilyadoption.org.uk

Best of luck.

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

I am an adoptive mother here in the UK!

It is quite an emotionally intensive process as all adopted child here come from the foster system, so it is highly unlikely you would be able to adopt a newborn. Although you can apply for foster to adopt where you start off as foster carers and if they decide that reunification isn’t possible, you would go on to adopt the child.

It is a long process, how long varies. Step 1 is the approval to adopt which includes, form filling, meetings with social workers, attending courses, background checks and interviews with your support network. I think most people take 12-18 months to go through this stage. (I was very proactive and we completed it in 9 months).

Step 2 is being matched with a child and there is no telling how long that can take as there are so many variables. Then it’s introductions and transitioning the child to living with you.

Step 3 is the official adoption, receiving the legal paperwork that you are a family! Again the time frame from your child coming home to this point varies. Ours took almost a year as the birth parents ‘disappeared’ and so it took longer.

Before all that you need to really decide if it’s for you. Talk to people who have adopted, it’s not plane sailing! And reach out to adoption agency. We went through our local council social services. Just search for your local council and adoption.

Happy to answer questions!

[-]

Budget_Bandicoot_411@reddit (OP)

Hypothetically, let's say my partner and I were to split, could I still adopt a child by myself?

[-]

Etheria_system@reddit

If this is on the cards, please don’t start the process or adopt a child until you’ve resolved your relationship difficulties. If you’re thinking of adopting as a fix to those relationship difficulties, please seek couples therapy first.

An adopted child needs a stable home. If you can’t provide that right now or for the foreseeable future, work on those issues first.

[-]

MumbleSnix@reddit

Yes, you can adopt as a single parent.

If you split after adoption, custody etc. is treated the same way as for a biological child.

[-]

DiDiPLF@reddit

Technically you can but I know someone who tried, she completed all the approvals but they never matched her with a child. Despite being the classic mother figure and a super stable home on offer. So I guess some caseworkers don't see it as the optimal option?

[-]

Kudosnotkang@reddit

If this is at all a hint of ‘not hypothetical ‘you need to work this out before adopting a child. An adopted child has already been robbed of stability and deserves every chance of continued stability from point of adoption .

[-]

Adventurous_Spot1183@reddit

You can but you need to prove you have a support network ect. And the split is permanent

[-]

Wits_end_24@reddit

A close family member went the foster to adopt route. It was a quick process for them in that pretty much as soon as they were approved a baby was in need. But with the foster to adopt, the adoption is the last resort. This poor baby had to travel to a contact center over an hour away three times a week for five months and the baby did not travel well. It was a heartbreaking start but they are now thriving six years on.

[-]

Adventurous_Spot1183@reddit

Are you resident in the UK?

[-]

Budget_Bandicoot_411@reddit (OP)

Yeah, we just moved back

[-]

Adventurous_Spot1183@reddit

You will need to show you have a support network.

It's a long, emotionally demanding process. Just the first stage involves some very detailed probing questioning and going to training re: trauma etc.

You need to be very clear with yourselves that any child you get is traumatised in some way or another. Even babies. The effects of this might not show up for many many years. I know three adoptive families personally. One has been completely ripped apart 12 years post-adoption by the kid. No amount of love in their case can fix it and they feel drained. This is despite them going in eyes wide open. One has had intermittent issues, the other had the husband give up work as they couldn't juggle the kid's needs with working.

[-]

ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

YES, my friends adopted, one of them then became a full time stay at home parent. Their child was 2 when removed from the birth family and nearly 4 when plaed with them, they had a lot of issues especially when they hit puberty, and there was no support from social sservices.

Fortuantely for all concerned friends are foruntunate to have a great support network, to be in a finacial position that they were able to pay privately for the mental health support their kid needed and, as my friend says, there are situations where being a white, middle aged, middle class person is extremely helpful when you need to try to fight the system to get support for your kid.

Kid is doing really well now but there was a period which was very, very tough for all of them. They went through a long stretch where 'kid has managed s whole week without expressing a wish not to be alive' was a huge achievement.

Even kids who are adopted very young can have attachment and other issuesdue to their early trauma. And a lot of kids freed for adoption will have a history of parents with alcohol and/or drug abuse issues which can result in developmental and other problems as the kids grow up

[-]

ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

You would need to liase with your local social services department to apply to be assessed to adopt.

There is a lot of pretty in depth assessment of you which includes talking to third parties, checking your medical history, talking in depth about your own childhoods etc.

It may be useful to have worked with a therapist to deal with the grieving process of not being able to conceive, first, - with adoption the ficus is very uch on the needs of the child concnerdso they want to try to make sure tht adoptive parents won't see their child as 'second best'

You would laso need to think about whether you are only interested in adopting an infant, or whether you are open to adopting an older child. Infants are easiest to place and social services / courts will generally try to support the birth family to be able to care for their own child as the best option, so there are fewer infants in need of adoption than older childnre. Older children may be more challenging as generally, if they ar needing adoption they will typically have experienced neglect, abuse or other issues and that can have very long terms effects.

Ho long it takes - the asssments can typically take months, then you need to be 'matched' with a suitable child or children . How long that takes can depend on location and what your own criteria are for a child. I think 2 years is a fairly normal timescale but it varies.

Be aware that a lot of the time, courts/;ocal authotrities will be doing 'twin track planning' when they are dealing with childnre in the care system - this means that they may be planning for a potential adoption, including working to identify and match woth potential adopters, but also working on reunification with the birth faily. The aim is to try to minimise the time a child spends in fster care and to try to ensurethe best outcome for the child, but it does mean that you can get quite a long way through the process of matching and then find that the child is not going to be pfreed for adoption. It is an emotionally very demanding process.

Just to note, you mention seeking to adopt in the UK - but if you decided to apply in Norway as well, you would still need to be assesed in the uK to be able to bring any child from overseas into the UK as your child

[-]

When replying to submission/post please make genuine efforts to answer the question given. Please no jokes, judgements, etc. If a post is marked 'Serious Answers Only' you may receive a ban for violating this rule.
Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
This is a strictly no-politics subreddit!

Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.