Do people in the South get defensive when people express negative feelings?

Posted by fitzkiki@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 33 comments

I am wondering if I and my family are the ass holes or not, but my soon-to-be ex’s mom thinks I’m evil for giving feedback to my ex on baby care ie things that I was uncomfortable with or proven to be unsafe. And whenever I calmly told my ex I was upset about something, he framed it as abuse or “beating up on him” (it wasn’t). They also call my family members, who have been kind to them and have only had brief interactions, “aggressive”. He’s from the American South and I’m a New Yorker. His family does not take well to feedback and is very defensive over anything perceived as criticism and their reputation. If seems that no one I’ve met from his area says how they truly feel.

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Impressive-Sir6488@reddit

There's also a lot about optics and "family values." The most dysfunctional families I have ever encountered here are obsessed with showing how their family is "isn't like those other poor families" as a tactic to keep their kids from questioning aspects of how they were raised.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Yeah very true…

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Such-Cartographer699@reddit

Have you seen My Uncle Vinny?

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

My Cousin Vinny is one of my faves.

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According_Gazelle472@reddit

Isn't that movie called "My cousin Vinny"?

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Icy-Gene7565@reddit

My only experience is being in a Bensonhurst brownstone in an Italian neighborhood. This one guy double parked and when an ambulance pulled up behind his traffic jam this guy sicks one arm out the window and waves the ambulance to come around him. It would be easy to believe that guy was abrasive at times.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

lol. I used to live close by there.

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Dangerous-Lunch647@reddit

Yeah, I think there are big differences in directness of what northerners and southerners say and how they say it. New Yorkers in particular tend to sound really brash and loud and harsh and fast to my southern ears. Not saying you need to change, and not saying southerners can’t handle truth, but maybe spend a little time observing how the people around you communicate and see if it goes a little better if you emulate that or find another way to soften the message.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Thank you!

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charmingasaneel@reddit

Divorce is a touchy time, especially when kids are involved.

Don’t make it harder. Make sure whatever can be considered criticism is both helpful and necessary.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Thank you! I felt that it was necessary. He was endangering our child through what he was doing much of the time, even if not purposefully.

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charmingasaneel@reddit

Yeah…you’re going to have to make peace with the fact that you can’t dictate how your ex parents your child.

Unless a judge or CPS would actually consider his actions dangerous, it’s not your call. You don’t control that situation anymore and you need to start accepting it

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nedshammer@reddit

Northerners (I’m one) tend to me much more direct than Southerners. It’s a different way of communicating. When they told you ‘bless your heart’, you probably thought they were being earnest. I can’t say who’s the asshole - there’s too much nuance, and not enough concrete information here - but anyone who says there isn’t a cultural difference is just plain wrong.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Thank you. I can see how the “bless your heart” people can be seen as fake and the ones who are upfront about how they feel or what they think are agressive.

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Gold_Telephone_7192@reddit

This is just a human thing. It has nothing to do with region or culture and can be found in humans all over the world

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

True. Do you think that it’s more common in certain areas?

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Gold_Telephone_7192@reddit

Not really. I think getting defensive when people express negative feelings towards you or about your decisions is super common all over the world.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Thanks! True. The ego.

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BlackQuartzSphinx_@reddit

I mean... it sounds like there's a reason he's your ex. Assholery isn't limited by geography.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

That is true, however, there is a stereotype that New Yorkers “say what they think” so I wonder if it is the opposite there.

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11B_35P_35F@reddit

New Yorkers are just known to be more blunt about what they say, southerners, the good ones, will insult you in such a way that you have to think twice if they were insulting you or being nice (hint: "bless your heart" is never a comment). That said, your ex and his family are gaslighting you. They "dont take feedback/criticism well" just means they dont take accountability for their shitty actions or behavior. Screw them and the horse they rode in on. Oh, and bless their tiny little hearts.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Oh wow, I’ve heard “bless your heart” a lot. And yeah, unfortunately I am aware.

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oh_such_rhetoric@reddit

People from New England have a reputation for being very direct. I was born in Massachusetts but was raised in the Intermountain West, so I have that kind of typical friendliness and openness that we tend to have on this side of the country. I also get along really well with my husband’s family in Georgia because our cultures share that tendency of being willing to be best friends immediately.

But I can confirm that my family in New England think I’m a bit of a weirdo for immediately being genuinely open and friendly to new people, or people I’m not close to.

New England culture is just kinda like that, and a lot of people from New England see the friendliness of people from the West or the South as a bit fake. Meanwhile, we tend to think that New Englanders are a bit rude both with how blunt they are and how closed off they seem.

Combine that with negative stereotypes about people from the South being less smart, less educated, etc., it makes sense that those people would get a bit defensive of their culture. Not saying New Englanders are bluntly calling Southerners stupid, but there are reasons that people from the South are kind of primed to defend themselves and their culture.

All that said, everyone is an individual that can’t be painted with one brush of stereotypes. There’s interpersonal stuff going on in your situation with all the emotions that are happening.

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exedore6@reddit

Nobody wants to have someone else question their parenting choices.

With some southerners, that would be extra unwelcome coming from a Yankee.

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MerpeMerpeMerpe@reddit

It’s usually an approach thing. You would be well served by reading, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It’ll change your life.

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Slight_Commission805@reddit

As a northerner, transplanted into the south and married a southerner….this kinda checks out lol.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

What has been your experience? Thanks for sharing!

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Still_Opinion_6621@reddit

sounds like you are all pretty dysfunctional. not sure why youre making it a north vs south thing.

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fitzkiki@reddit (OP)

Every one is dysfunctional to an extent, with different ways of showing it.

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