How to support my girlfriend who's is London?
Posted by Icy-Release7064@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 41 comments
[removed]
Posted by Icy-Release7064@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 41 comments
[removed]
No-Problem-1354@reddit
I lost my Mum suddenly almost 8 months ago so can offer some insight into how your girlfriend might be feeling.
You go through so many emotions and often multiple emotions all at once. Initially I was in denial about what had happened. It was like I was in a bad dream and I was expecting any moment to wake up and find out that it hadn’t happened. Then I went through a what if stage. I went over and over the last month of my mums life and I tried to work out if there was anything that I could have done differently. What if I did this. What if I said that, etc. then I did the same with the months leading up to it. The weekend before. The first month we planned the funeral and I visited my Mum at the funeral director multiple times. I found this really comforting. In the early days everyone asks how you are. After the funeral people either stop asking or ask less, so don’t be afraid to ask her how she is would be my advice. Let her talk to you. Let her know you are there for her.
Everyone is different but I would say that counselling after a month is probably too soon for most people. I dont feel ready for counselling almost eight months in.
One of my coping mechanisms in the early days was music. I used to listen all the upsetting songs and specific songs and artists that my Mum liked as well. I also bought a notepad to write down my feelings. As it happens after buying it, I still don’t feel ready to write but I know it’s there when I am ready.
Around month 4 or 5, I felt a huge shift in my grief journey. The situation become more real and I was hit with the realisation that my mum is gone. One of the strangest part of a bereavement is how you have someone there your entire life (34 years in my case) and one day they aren’t there anymore. You can’t call them or speak to them ever again. Everything you do you in life from then on, you imagine what it would have been like if Mum was still alive. Every thing becomes a first. First birthday, first Mother’s Day, first holidays, etc. Then I see people I know getting married and/ or having children and every time it’s a reminder that my mum will never see me get married. She will never meet any children I have.
My sleep pattern has been all over the place. I often sit up until I’m too tired to fight the sleep so I don’t lie in bed thinking because thinking just upsets me. At the weekend I often don’t want to get out of bed. I find it so hard to motivate myself to even do basic things. I rarely leave my house.I feel angry that my mum missing out on 30+ years of life. I feel angry that I’ve missing out on another 30+ years with Mum. I worry about other family members.
Losing my mum, the easiest way I can describe it is like someone has cut my arm off and I can’t function anymore without it as a huge part of me is gone.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
🥹🥹hey man... Stay strong man.. So heart breaking.. I never thought it would be these difficult..
After reading this, I feel you somewhat man.. I really want to connect with you
KittyHalfEyes@reddit
Hello, we have a community over a quarter million Tamils living in London.
We have various forms of assistance to those who needs it. , so please don't hesitate to reach out the local Tamil Sangams.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
🥹my dear people.. Srsly the main goal of the post is you man.. Literally iam searching us .. Kindly do help me if you know the tamil community or assistance.. She is soo soo fragile now
KittyHalfEyes@reddit
https://eachcounselling.org.uk/tamil-mental-health-counselling-project/
Hope this helps. Also There is rather few mental health focused Tamil sangams in london. You could simply google and get in touch one that close to where she lives. .
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Thanks for the help man... I was very much hopeless... Really thanks for the efforts and concern
I will share this with her
LaughingAtSalads@reddit
Knowing your mither - your first home, your unconditional love, has left this earth for another sphere is an existential wound.
Reassure her: it is normal to be easily upset by small things. She is not going crazy. She is not unwell. She is experiencing deep grief. She needs *bereavement support*, a specific kind of help; and for now she may wish to find and go to her culture’s faith group to pray for her mother’s future. You should encourage her and help her materially to make a shrine to her mother in her room so she can do the daily rituals of blessing and mourning. Rituals help.
*Grief is normal*. Don’t you be scared of her grief’s depths.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
😐😐i can understand..but she has totally changed her life cycle
Night full of working or studying due to loneliness and fear in her room Morning full day she is sleeping Cutting off breakfast and lunch
Literally messedup. I too donno how to handle this
Ok_Victory_2977@reddit
I know it's so difficult watching a loved one suffer like this, but it sounds like she's doing what she needs to do to cope at all. Sometimes that's sleeping half the day because you can't sleep at night & when you can't sleep at night, you work/study because you can't in the day. It can take 6-8 months to get thru the grieving process, at the moment, just a few weeks in, honestly, she's exactly how I would expect someone to be, who has just lost their mother; especially as she's younger and her mother was younger. When you're 40-50 and your parents are 70-80, even sudden deaths are much more understandable due to parents being old age. But if a parent dies in their 50's or early 60's, it's an even bigger shock. Just be patient with her, if she wants to talk, listen, if she wants to hide away, that's how she's coping. This is difficult for everyone involved, but allowing her to just be however she needs, is probably what's best for her and kindest. She's obviously an intelligent young woman and probably will appreciate the most, just knowing you're there if she needs, but will also appreciate you giving her the space to heal.
Look up "grief - the ball in the box" - it's a lovely analogy of grief and how it feels to be going thru it. I think it would help both you and her.
I don't live in London anymore but if she ever wants to talk to someone, msg someone, I can dm you my socials and my email. I'm more than happy to offer a supportive ear, thou she really might just want to be alone.
Anyway feel free to dm me if there's anything I can do. Unfortunately grief isn’t something that you forget with time or get over eventually, you can’t, it will always be there, but it does get easier… look up that ball in a box - it will help https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
🥹🥹🥹grateful for you .. Never thought someone will answer my call on this reddit..
U r really great and ut concern towards us is literally making ma stay strong..
I will send her this link.. And as u said i will dm you brother
Ok_Victory_2977@reddit
literally this!! I was quite literally brought to my knees last Wednesday, with grief, and couldn't eat or sleep or do anything but cry, for 3 days and that was just for my cat. Yes he was the equivalent of a soulmate and a partner to me, but I can't begin to imagine the depth of grief that this poor girl is going thru. But you really do have to just let yourself feel however you want to feel. I cried this afternoon over opening a can of tuna and realised no one had teleported to the kitchen for their share.
Personally I think specific grief services & groups would be far more helpful to OP's girlfriend than psychologists/psychiatrists.
But there's some great suggestions too on here so far; the pastoral care at her university, reposting to Tamil/desi subreddits, then your suggestions.
But you're so right, op needs to not be scared of gf's grief and realise it's very very normal to be fragile, overly emotional and very deeply wounded rn 💔
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Sorry for the loss happened to you..
Literally searching for tamil disapora.. And community..
She has became sooo soo fragile I literally donno how to scold or correct her
Old-Analysis8395@reddit
OP, once your girlfriend graduates is she planning on trying to stay in the UK and get a job, or is she going somewhere else/back home?
Not necessarily relevant to the crux of your post (you’ve been given some great advice already) but it’s certainly important for her future.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
She is willing to settle in LONDON
It is her childhood dream to settle and have a proper life and better career in a good environment
Old-Analysis8395@reddit
Mate I’m gonna be honest with you, right now that’s incredibly unlikely.
The graduate market is fucked for domestic students, let alone internationals. She would need visa sponsorship and a good enough salary (well above average) in order to stay here long term.
Unless she is uniquely gifted she won’t get that opportunity.
99% of the time LLMs do nothing to help in getting legal jobs either.
Now is certainly not the right time but bless her she needs to have a real think about her future.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
I understand but.. The education can only be sorted out only if she works and sets a career in london Orelse her life will again be shattered
iForgot-My-Password@reddit
I'm not really sure about all this, but it might help, I dunno.
I didn't know while at uni and just pushed through when I was struggling mentally the last year. But some years later, a much younger friend had some struggles too and she stopped after the 2nd year or so. But she was able to rejoin where she stopped the year after or so. Like just taking a break for health reason.
I don't remember what it was called sorry, but if she's at risk of simply failing, that might be a way forward. She just needs to speak to the university about it and organise it rather than just quit. It's literally like just an intermission in the education.
Another thing that might help, I've seen in reddit or social media "Grieve runs/walks" which seems to be young adults who are grieving all meeting up to spend time together. Comments include those who lost parents.
Finally, though I have no idea if this relates to international students or whatever, but one option to therapy or maybe just group therapy is registering with iCope, but it's hard to get accepted and might take some months. It's not about grieving but mental health in general, as far as I know. It's self referal based.
Speaking the GP might help. I was given lists of organisations I can self refer to for mental health struggles several times when I spoke to my GP. Or maybe they can get that from the university councillors or so.
Hope things work out for her.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Honestly, this gave me a little hope.
I didn’t even know universities allowed things like temporary breaks or intermissions for mental health and grief without completely losing the course. I’ll definitely ask her to speak with the university before things become too overwhelming for her.
The grief walks/runs idea also sounds genuinely helpful because right now one of the biggest problems is that she’s grieving completely alone in a different country. Being around people who understand that pain might help her feel less isolated.
And thank you for mentioning iCope, GP support and university counsellors too. I’m trying to collect every possible option for her at the moment because I really don’t want her silently breaking down while trying to stay strong.
Really appreciate your kindness and advice. It means a lot.
iForgot-My-Password@reddit
I'm glad I helped. I struggled a lot in my mental health over the years, but one thing that is very sore for me is University. I was scoring 90%+ mostly with some 80%+, but with my mental struggles and even with the extensions the uni gave me in the last year I dropped off so much. Like got a 50% on some courses.
I barely scraped a 1st class degree because of my past work, but I was 1% off losing that and being a 2:1. I would have struggled to get past that.
I'm not saying she should stop because of grieve, but if it's so bad that it would destroy your grades, it might be worth taking a break.
I tried to just google some the grief runs I mentioned and found some of these:
https://www.reddit.com/r/london/comments/1taav0p/grief_runwalk_club_in_london_yesterday_for_young/
https://www.reddit.com/r/london/comments/1tg1ixb/grief_hike_today_in_box_hill_for_young_adults/
They same to be posted by the same account, so maybe if you contact them it will help more.
It must be hard to try supporting someone from afar, I wish you both the best x
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Really i thank you for the efforts and concern u have man...
🥹🥹 I will tell her now
That she isn't alone in london and still the surrounding is always willing to help you
PetersMapProject@reddit
Universities normally have a free counselling service
Eg if she's at UCL https://www.ucl.ac.uk/study/support-and-wellbeing/mental-health-and-wellbeing/counselling-services
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Sure man... I will look into this.. Really thanks for the concern u have on us 🥹🥹
chikIndi@reddit
I think there is a counseling service called , Relate that charges on a sliding scale, so may be you can look that up and set up the appointments for her. When someone is grieving , last thing they are able to do make the effort to make appointments, reach out to the community or find support groups, so please do the research and find them for her. Also , there will be online grief support groups that you can find for her as well.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
I kept thinking she should slowly try reaching out herself, but I’m starting to realise grief can make even simple tasks feel exhausting. Things like searching for therapists, making calls, booking appointments or joining groups may feel overwhelming to her right now.
I’ll definitely look into Relate and online grief support groups properly and try helping with the process instead of expecting her to handle everything alone. At this point, even reducing small emotional burdens for her matters.
Really appreciate your advice and kindness.
apple_kicks@reddit
Samaritans and mind has good advice on how to approach and talk to someone who is struggling. It can be hard to get people to open up and ask for help
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/how-support-someone-youre-worried-about/what-do-if-you-think-someone-struggling/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/
They can give advice on how to look out for local services and grief counselling.
She should definitely take care on her mental health as part of future planning
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
What you said about reducing responsibilities also really hit me. She’s trying to handle studies, finances, loneliness and grief all together while acting strong. Even small things like helping with food, reducing stress or just making life a little easier probably means more than big words right now. Thank you again for taking the time to explain all this and for being kind about it.
shanloulie@reddit
As people have said try and encourage her to reach out to her university, they will provide services that can help her and she may even be able to delay her studies due to circumstances
the only other thing i will say is allow her space to grieve, don’t push it down or hush it or push her to move on and stay positive, she needs to feel to heal i’m so sorry for her loss
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
🥹🥹I understand But I can't see her like this.. Crying or holding so tight inside her. I can't imagine that smile Becoming so rare nowadays
JennyW93@reddit
Seconding recommendations to speak to the university’s in-house counselling team (and her personal tutor for guidance on any accommodations/mitigating circumstances she can get for assignments and exams).
There are also charities like Cruse that she can contact for support.
Very sorry for her loss.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Really thanks for the concern u have for her.. Sure I will make her atleast approach the University for help..
Minskdhaka@reddit
I'm not British or Indian, but I've been to London many times. I think what your GF needs is a local community and support network. Encourage her to join clubs and organisations locally, whether for hiking, bird-watching, music, old movies, or whatever else could spark an interest in her. Also, as others have said, her university probably has mental health resources that she can access.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Yes man.. Really thanks for the concern u have on us.. 🥹🥹Thanks for this ..I sure will advice or direct to take a deep breathe and a small gape
Frosty_Leg4438@reddit
I wonder if it might be worth posting this on a Tampil/desi/disapora Reddit?
I’m not very familiar with that culture but believe there’s quite a lot of pressure tied into women and “family duty” etc which may need a support group also with that experience to help?
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Yes exact man... 🥲🥲I really need to reach tamil disapora.. Pls do tell me if u know some community or group or pages
c-e-r-y-s@reddit
Does her university/higher education placement offer therapy or wellbeing services? Maybe you could shoot them an email about everything that's happened.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
Sure man..
She too told me about that.. I will make her do that immediately
Miss_Type@reddit
I wouldn't necessarily rush towards seeing a psychiatrist - your girlfriend's mother only just passed away, it's absolutely normal for her to be very sad and very stressed, especially so far from home.
Encourage your girlfriend to speak to her university/course provider, as they will definitely have pastoral support services she can access. The death of a parent is the top of the list of reasons someone might access these services, they are there precisely for things like this. They will be able to help. They will likely have counselling available, and other more practical things they can help with too.
Has your girlfriend got friends she can lean on and who she can speak to about things? I do hope she's not dealing with everything alone.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
She got friends man.. But she is not willing to open up.. She is holding tight within her.. But at the same time she is not strong enough to be that easy... She literally changed her whole cycle Waking at night and sleeping the whole day hours
DameKumquat@reddit
Her university should have student support services. Get her to contact them, or her personal tutor. Make sure her course organisers are aware of her situation.
Icy-Release7064@reddit (OP)
😐😐I told her about this . But man.. i really can't force or treat her like this.. Literally struck and donno what to speak or how to handle her
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