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Thin_Sheepherder_584@reddit

Grief is such a tricky beast and presents itself in many different ways and the death of a parent in traumatic circumstances can leave an ache that is very difficult to reconcile.

I know this isn't what you asked, but if you haven't already, have a look at Sue Ryder Bereavement Counselling. It's 6 free online sessions (unless you want to give a donation) over Zoom (or similar) where you talk through what the death of someone you love means. It won't be the answer because nothing is the answer when it comes to grief, but it can shake loose feelings and emotions that are stopping you from starting to heal. Go well.

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tmbyfc@reddit

Grief doesn't go away, and it shouldn't , it is the necessary consequence of love interrupted, you can't have one without the other. But good therapists can give you the tools that enable you to handle it/channel it in a positive way.

OP I highly recommend you talk to a qualified counsellor, storing up feelings like this is just asking for trouble later in life, you don't have to do it this way.

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Amazing-Heron-105@reddit

Love interrupted is such a nice way to put it

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Thank you so much ❤️

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Thin_Sheepherder_584@reddit

You're very welcome. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Key_Opening6939@reddit

I lost my mother in 2011 and I still think about her often. The first year or so I avoided looking at her pictures because it was so upsetting. And it was probably 10 years before I could make her favorite dessert.

Thinking about her brings me comfort and I sometimes even talk to her. Everyone’s grief is different so just do what seems right for you.

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Youranoseybastard@reddit

My mum passed in October 2025. Whenever I go to her grave, I talk to her, even though I know she is gone but this is how I grieve. Everybody is different, this is what I do.

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mx_sidequest0@reddit

I think sometimes avoiding the thoughts is just the brain trying to protect itself when the grief still feels too heavy to sit with directly. It doesn’t mean you loved her any less.

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Bhafc1901@reddit

I’m the exact same after I lost my grandad back in October. It makes me feel really guilty sometimes or it makes me doubt my own love for him but distracting myself or making the thoughts to go away is the only way to prevent me from just completely ruining my mood/day. Just putting this here so you know you’re not alone on this at all, your experience is very very valid, and it’s just a coping mechanism. I hope you can find a way to deal with the thoughts bit easier as time goes on 🙏

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ScoutBear14@reddit

hi

I lost my dad to suicide almost 12 years ago. I subsequently lost one of my best friends to suicide almost 7 months ago and I do exactly this. I don't comment or post on reddit much however I felt I needed to let you know that I do this exact thing too.

I often find myself thinking about them in times that feel "inconvenient" and I put it so far to the back of my head because if I do spend anything more than a split second on it, I will crumble.

No, it's not healthy, it's a terrible coping mechanism. However, you're not alone. I know it all too well and I want you to know I'm right here with ya.

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Ashamed_North348@reddit

You’ve got to go through a whole range of emotions before you would be able to think of her without crying

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I think this is ir though. Thinking of her DOES make me cry. Thats why I avoid it.

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Ashamed_North348@reddit

But it will darlin, honestly it will get easier to think of her, you’ve got to keep saying her name too, it will get easier to say it too, Honest!!

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

I used to be in a grief group, and each week as one or more of started to cry the facilitator would say, “Our tears are our love.” It gave us permission to break down without apology — in fact, it felt good to cry because we were showing our love. ❤️‍🩹

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marsman@reddit

Yeah, I basically do the same for a few of mine, dad, grandfather and grandmother who largely raised me (grandfather died about a decade ago, my grandmother recently), other set of grandparents who I spend a lot of time with as a child (again, about 3 and 4 years ago) two people I worked with and was very close with, another who I worked with who shot himself, more of a distant mate, but still. I pretty much avoid thinking too much about any of them if I can etc.. Realised it probably wasn't healthy so now I tend to take a day a year (usually Remembrance day, depending on if I'm working or not) to take some time, go somewhere nice, on my tod and take the time to remember them properly as it were.

Probably still not that healthy, but at the same time it seems to work reasonably well for me.

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SusieC0161@reddit

I think there’s a lot of factors here. Firstly your own personality. Then there’s the relationship you had with them and also how they died.

My mum developed dementia and she wasn’t “happy daft”, she was tormented with morbid thoughts. Every time I saw her she told me there’s been a plane, train or car crash and my dad/grandad/grandma/a sibling had died horribly. I’ve been nursing 40 years and have seen many people with dementia. She was probably the most tormented I’d ever seen, so when she died I was glad she was out of her misery.

I have 2 sisters. One is full of guilt that she didn’t do more, despite her doing more than anyone else and making lots of sacrifices. The other is struggling to cope with her grief. I’m fine. I remember her fondly and can get teary when I think about her, but I don’t avoid it.

Everyone deals with bereavement differently. You do what works for you.

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OneEggOmelette@reddit

I think i do with my cat. I miss him more than life itself so I try nit to think about him. You can guess why

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jazz1801@reddit

My mum also died 2.5 years ago aged 51, I don't talk to my dad and I don't have any other family (long line of only children and grandparents have all passed), it's a unique type of loneliness and brings a particular type of anger but I try my best to talk about her and keep her memory living on as I'm the only one left too and it's the least she deserves

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No_Dingo4727@reddit

My mum died when I was 30 that was 6 years ago and I struggle everyday still. Some days I can look at photos, other days I can't. I struggle to talk about her as I get emotional. She was 49 and died of a subdural hematoma and died instantly. Im crying while writing this. Id like it to get easier but it hasn't. I never knew my dad so thats maybe a blessing in disguise. I had a miscarriage 10months before mum died, another blessing in disguise as I would not have been able to deal with a new born and losing my mum and my nan died 2 months after my miscarriage of dementia. I get comfort knowing they are together but I pine to be with them but its not my time. Its really bloody crap but another day passes and its another day dealt with. Sending love to you op and everyone in this chat ❤️

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vvitchteeth@reddit

Not really the same, but my dad is dead, died in 2021. I hadn’t seen him in years and when I found out I broke down crying and having a panic attack.

He was a bad *bad* man, an awful person who I wished death on countless times even as a kid. And yet there I was mourning him in a way? It’s difficult to say even now because I cannot describe how much I hated him. But after he died he was all I thought about, every day, I’d drink and use and try to just stop it but I couldn’t.

It felt like unfinished business, it felt like I’d been denied something, but was also relieved I didn’t have to panic now if I saw someone who looked like him.

I have a therapist who helped me work through it. She said that nothing will ever erase what he did, I’d never find out WHY he did the things he did, and it’s true in a way the mark’ll always be there. But he was gone, and the best way to move on from that was to heal was to accept that it happened.

Now, that sounds unrelated but I have other dead relatives. My grandparents did a lot of raising when it came to me, but both died when I was a child/teen, and I’d still cry about them. I’d still think about them, I’d grip my arms tight and wish WISH I could see them again, or smell them, or just.. fuck, just anything. But the logic my therapist used for my dad goes both ways.

Them being gone wasn’t doing to erase what they were to me, how they shaped me and all that. It wasn’t gonna stop the love or the memories, they were always going to leave a mark on me. But are gone. I had to accept that.

I’m sure your mum was a brilliant and lovely person like they were, I’m sure she loved you with her whole heart the way you’ve described her. And i don’t say it so bluntly to be cruel or dismissive… but you gotta take a breath, accept that it’s how life is, and remind yourself everyday there’s pieces of her all around you.

She’s there even if you can’t see her, because she was there with you before.

You remind yourself of that, and you can carry on. Day by day, you might go some time not remembering that and the grief’ll come again. It happens, it’s life. But don’t repress it, just let it come out little by little.

And think of how it was and is to be loved.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Im so sorry this happened to you.

Your post made me cry. Thank you. I sometimes think if I think about it ill break.

I wrote this todau because I am missing her and it's all just come out. Maybe its a good thing. I just hate the loneliness that comes with it because theres no escaping that if that makes sense.

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vvitchteeth@reddit

Thank you 💕 I’m okay, too!

I will say therapy does help a lot, but it’s very important to find the right one for you. I’d suggest giving it some thought and doing some research into counselling in your area. I’d personally avoid the NHS route and if you can, I appreciate they’re swamped and underfunded, but they don’t often give much help outside basic CBT.

I’m sorry I made you cry, though! But it’s good to just let it come. It sucks, and it’ll come again, it’ll probably never fully go away. But you’ll managed it, trust me on that one, you’re not gonna break.

Remember your mum, remember all that love, but don’t forget you’re alive now. You’ve gotta have that time, you can make it good.

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Busty_BBW83@reddit

My mum died unexpectedly in December 2024. I still cannot look at a picture of her. I had lots of other things going on in my life during that period that left me at rock bottom and then my Mum passing on top I think I have just put it in a box in my head to deal with later. Anytime I am alone and think about her I am telling myself no now isn't the right time and push the thoughts away.

I'm sure the way I am dealing with the whole situation isn't healthy, but right now for me it is all I can cope with and if it means being able to carry on and function.....right now that's enough for me.

Of it works for you then that is all that matters x

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Dutch_Slim@reddit

My mum died suddenly in sept 22, when I was 40. The longest I’d been apart from her until then was 3 weeks. Our houses are next door to each other’. I think about her every day. Mainly just “I miss you. Please come back?”.

I’m really honest with myself. I haven’t dealt with it, I haven’t grieved. I don’t even believe she’s dead (which logically is impossible, I saw her there, in the bath. And her ashes are in my bedroom).

If I open the box, I don’t think I could get all the stuff back inside. I’m the main earner, the main child-herder, the only person that does housework or shopping or admin.
If I open the box and lose control of the bits inside, all of that will fall apart. So I’ve locked the box, wrapped chains around it, and buried it in a really deep hole.

I manage it by telling myself she’s on holiday. That’s my survival mechanism. I miss her so much.

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SaveOurPandas@reddit

I’m so sorry for your loss and post. Just a gentle message from a stranger to say please don’t burnout. It creeps up on you and is then devastating. I frequently use the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Be kind and look after yourself. If you feel able to I would recommend considering a grief counsellor who can guide and support you in a safe space ❤️

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Eyupmeduck1989@reddit

I did for a while because it was too much. Losing my mum was incredibly traumatic. Eventually that degree of avoiding those thoughts became pathological, and I was absolutely crippled by CPTSD for decades. I’d repeatedly have nightmares and flashbacks. In the end, I had to have EMDR therapy, which involved finally confronting the traumatic memories and not avoiding them. It was awful at the time, but it’s helped.

So… yeah. It can become a problem.

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Frosty_Leg4438@reddit

1). I think you should try and find a therapist on this (through work or council website if you can’t afford it), as this does raise a few warning alarms. It’s not good to suppress feelings.

2). Although technically a children’s cartoon, the Pixar movie “Coco” is quite a good watch on this + an overview of the Mexican “day of the dead” festival. Long story short the way they handle it is by devoting one day a year when you bring out old photos of people who have passed (will increase overtime in your life unfortunately) to have a dedicated space and time to talk about them and remember.

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SaveOurPandas@reddit

Also grief/bereavement groups, and don’t forget charity run phone lines.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

This is lovely advice. Thank you

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Tattycakes@reddit

Brace yourself with that movie lol

Tissues at the ready

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YUMMY_TIDEPODS_YUMMY@reddit

6 Years for me and my dad and sometimes I think about him and in a nice way but sometimes I get reminded of him out of the blue or when I wasn't ready and it makes my body have a physical like twitch reaction I hate it.

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silent-noize@reddit

This is how I felt after my father’s demise during Covid, 5 years ago. I still avoid looking at his photos, talking at lengths about him. I avoid talking about covid because that’s what I lost my father to. When he passed away, I made my job, my source of sanity.

And yes, this is the first time in 5 years I have written about him despite lurking in relatable posts all these years.

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twojabs@reddit

Your grief won't end, it just gets further away in time and easier to manage. My ma passed in 2007 and Grampa in 2012. Still think of them daily.

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ben_jamin_h@reddit

I lost my baby brother when I was 4. Obviously I was 4 so I wasn't in a place to regulate myself emotionally, but I don't really have any memories at all until the age of about 8/9/10 (although I do vividly remember the night that he died), so clearly I did a lot of forgetting during those years.

Since my early teenage years I have thought about it a lot. Sometimes it's inconvenient and so I distract myself. Sometimes I wallow in the memories and it hurts but it feels right.

I'm 41 now. I remember it and it still feels awful, but it doesn't hurt anymore and I don't avoid it.

These things take time, a long time, but eventually you will be at peace with what's happened and be able to remember it without the string emotions, and just see it as a thing that happened.

I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and allow the process of grieving to happen for you as and when you feel ready for it.

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woollover@reddit

I do think about my baby ... He died at six weeks old. When I see kids his age, and wonder what he'd look like, who his best friends would have been. Also when I see newborns, it's instant. I dream of losing babies, it's hard because most people don't want to talk about it. I know he'd be 13 by now, and so many people told me a year in I should be over it, and to move in, but I miss him so so much. I feel robbed of his presence, and of memories I thought we were going to make. I promised him I'd take him to the park and he'd make lots of little friends, and I feel bad he didn't get to do it. I just feel empty without him. Yes, I think about him. A lot.

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TheCabbageHeart@reddit

I too lost my mother to cancer and completely understand where you're coming from in coping. I did exactly what you did for years, unfortunately it creeps up on you and gets bigger than it should. Don't suppress what you're feeling nor not acknowledge your love and memories.

Therapy/counselling will be a great start. Create a safe time and place where you can talk freely without judgement and with support. It helped me no end.

I wish you all the best on your journey through grief. You're doing better than you think and are stronger than you believe.

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yolo_snail@reddit

Not really.

My grandfather died a few weeks ago, and other family members think it's weird that I can just go to his house and not be affected.

He lived about 30 miles away, and I used to stay over at his regularly, so I have my own room etc.

About a week after he died, I was seeing friends in the area and felt a bit tired, so I went in and fell asleep on my bed for a few hours. They thought it was strange I wasn't upset.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I didn't cry until the funeral when my Mum died. A whole month and I was singinf in the fucking car like nothing happened. I remember wondering if I was fucked up.

It all came at once at the time.

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NickTM@reddit

I had this with my aunt as well, you're not alone. Didn't feel a thing until the funeral and then suddenly I was devastated.

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yolo_snail@reddit

I was exactly the same when my grandmother died 15 years ago (on 1st April lol).

Maybe I'm just a heartless prick, but the way I see it is that at the end of the day everybody is going to die, it's the only certainty in life.

There's no use getting upset over something you have absolutely no control over, it is what it is. My mother and brothers, and ironically my grandfather, felt exactly the same way.

He didn't even want a funeral, just a direct cremation, because why bother. You wouldn't have a funeral for a chicken in Sainsbury's!

I can see why some people get upset, especially if they're of the belief that there's an afterlife and all that malarkey, but for me, we're all just wasting time until the inevitable nothingness of death.

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brum_newbie@reddit

When you have meet someone who has a life changing positive influence and being with them most of your life because they radiates positive energy and runs off on you so yes it is upsetting when they're gone.

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danabrey@reddit

First of all, love to you. My dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 6 years ago from a heart issue, and I'm still not 'over' it.

Therapy and talking, however, have helped me find a 'new normal' and be able to talk and think about him.

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ComplexSquirelll@reddit

I find myself doing that too. I had two horrible bereavements two months apart and I find thinking about it overwhelming.

So sorry for your loss.

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Onlyonehoppy@reddit

My grandma passed away 9 years ago and I'm often chatting to her. Not that she would hear me anyway as she was deaf as a post. I think about her loads.

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BruceForsyth1900@reddit

Yes I force my brain to think of something else because if I don’t I would be in tears all the time. It’s also made me feel hopeless about life

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ShinyHeadedCook@reddit

My closest loved one was my grandma. She died 4 years ago.

Executing her will, clearing out and selling her house, organising the funeral all ripped my heart out. Im from a generation where we dont show our feelings. I'd go about all these tasks methodically through the day and spent every night crying my eyes out. For a long time. Her funeral was the last time I cried in public

4 years later and I think about her every day. She left me a bit of money and at the age of 43 I learned to drive and got a car, and hopefully fingers crossed I have got a house (offer accepted and mortgage approved, her money gave me enough for a deposit.)

I go to her grave sometimes to pay my respects to the person that even in death helped me to better myself

Life is shitter without her. I have so many memories... in 2020 I'd walk 3 miles cross country every day through lockdown to see her! Was not a chance on earth I would leave her alone. I'd have gone to prison over it.

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FantasticBlood0@reddit

The fact that I stumbled on this thread while my dad is on the sofa next to me being killed by cancer…

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I'm really sorry.

I think you maybe as well you've misinderstood. I want to think about my mum. I love my mum. I feel like I'm gonna fall apart if I do.

It's not a lack of love or grief. It's avoiding the loneliness that comes with it bevause I don't know what to do with it.

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FantasticBlood0@reddit

Oh I do understand because I know I will be the exact same way once he dies. I will not let myself feel all that grief because it’ll be life-ending for me.

My dad is my best friend, my champion, the person who consistently believed in me. Since his diagnosis was confirmed, I have noticed myself becoming a lot more short tempered, irritable and simply bitter. If I let myself feel all the things I’m due to feel at some point, I will not be able to put myself back together, I will fall apart so badly.

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Ch0nky_Nugget@reddit

I’m so sorry you lost your mum ❤️ I lost mine in 2015, she was my best friend too. She also passed to cancer at 66. I also don’t have a relationship with my father. So sadly, we have a few things in common 🫂 I’m sure you already know this but remember that we all grieve differently, there’s not a wrong or right way. I could talk about my mum until the cows come home but the one thing I still can’t do is look at any photos of her. I’d love to have a photo of her up somewhere, but I just can’t do it

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HR_Weiner@reddit

I did this when my mum died. It made me ill. 7 years after she died I got into therapy and was told I had unresolved, complex grief. I didn't allow myself to grieve or accept she was dead. I pushed it down and it made me deeply anxious and depressed. It actually prolonged the grief. You can't get to the point of remembering them fondly if you don't do the hard work of grieving. My dad died last week and, as painful as it is, I'm not going to make the same mistake again.

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mand71@reddit

My mum died of cancer at the age of 75, in 2022. I was with her in the six months before she died and it was rough. She died at home and I was the one to close her eyes. I really wouldn't wish my experience on anyone.

At first I thought about her, but over time I don't really. Well, I do, but thinking about when we were kids. You don't really get over it... ..

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Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit

Mate, I lost both my parents in the space of a year. Its shit. Some days I think about them, others I dont, but mostly do.

Not afraid to admit that I still bawl my eyes out that I cant hug them again etc etc etc.

Mostly just sad for my kids cause they adored my parents and my parents them. They were proper strick with me, like I couldn't get away with anything, but butter couldn't melt in my kids mouths if you asked them haha.

Shes always there with you mate, and its obviously ok to be upset by it, and its extreamly personal as to avoid thinking about her or not.

But you cant really avoid thinking about her, because you need to remember that you are avoiding thinking about them... Kinda like the game (which everyone reading this just lost!).

Grief is personal, you do it in your own way <3

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Im so sorry for your loss.

And maybe I shouldn't have said avoided. But when I do think about her it's in a very "matter of fact" way.

I'll ask myself if my mum would like this or that or think she would like something. It's hard to explain.

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Greendeco13@reddit

There’s no right or wrong way, your mum will always be part of you, do you know that when she carried you in pregnancy some of her cells migrate into you and yours into her. I think that’s magical.

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/science/your-mother-is-always-with-you-inside-the-phenomenon-of-microchimerism-that-leaves-hidden-cells-inside-a-mom-and-child/articleshow/129925564.cms

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Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit

My wife lost her mum when she was 16, she says things like that about her mum too still.

Totally sucks that she says her mum would have love me because I never got to meet her and she sounded kick ass (when she was sober), but, thats life as they say.

Im originally from Durban, South Africa, and my family are moving to Tenerife, and I often think my parents would be so happy that the grandkids will get to have the up bringing I/they had with the beach lifestyle.

I hope you stop being hard on yourself about this, its completely up to you how you deal with it, you know its happened, but I guess just try to live a life that would make her happy? And as long as you are happy, she will be happy for you too <3

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Still-BangingYourMum@reddit

This /\is important too know/. My sister died back in February 2021, she was opinionated, argumentative, stubborn, always wanted the last word, couldn't read social ques and would have to literally kick her out of our house so we could get to bed. a right royal pain in the arse, but damn, she was my sister and I loved her to bits, we are both very similar in character, so clashing heads was almost a daily reoccurring theme.

I mis her so much, when I hear a song she liked or catch a scent of her favourite perfume, little things in and off themselves, it brings back the pain and agony of finding her dead in her bungalow. Those things, were her, and when I encounter these triggers and more. I get upset, but then the memories start to flood my brain, just little things that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. I choose to follow my feelings at times like that, through the sorrow and pain there bursts a lifetime of different memories that will flood my heartbroken mind and I realise that she is still with me, but just out of sight over my shoulder and just beyond speaking distance.

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Greendeco13@reddit

I sometimes am consumed by grief, I have a good howl and then it passes. It is how I deal with it. We’re all different. Totally relate to being sad, I wish my grandkids still had their great grandparents, the older one still remembers them but the little uns never knew them and that makes me sad.

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Lanesra8989@reddit

Im so so sorry for your loss , I lost mum and dad within 3 years and it was hard to cope with the grief ….. I can across this a few years ago , and it helped me put some of my grief into perspective…….

‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.’

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CodeToManagement@reddit

No. My grandparents are all gone now, but I can close my eyes and I’m right back in their living room. I can picture everything about it, where I would sit to talk to them, the ornaments, even the pattern on the ceiling.

It’s a bit bittersweet but it also brings back very good memories of a place I loved to be in with people who meant the world to me. I’d rather remember them and be sad occasionally than never think of them at all

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I can do that with mt grandparents too. Just not my Mum.

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Crochet-panther@reddit

I once saw an analogy for grief that probably sums this up. Grief is like a ball bouncing in a box and on one wall of the box there’s a button labelled grief.

When you first grieve for someone that ball is almost the the same width as the box, and so it hits the button all the time. But as time passes the ball gradually get a bit smaller. It still hits the button, and the button still makes it hurt just as bad, but it doesn’t hit it quite as much. Maybe once every couple of days instead of every day, every week, every month.

And the ball keep shrinking, slowly, very slowly, but it shrinks all the same. The button still hurts just as much, but after a year the ball might only hit the button every month, after a couple of years it might be less often. Eventually it only really hits it at Christmas, birthdays, special holidays. It doesn’t mean the grief is any less, but time and life makes the ball get smaller.

For you the ball has shrunk for your grandparents but maybe it needs a bit more time to shrink for your mum. But you need to feel it some of the time, maybe allow a day, an hour, whatever to feel what that button is trying to tell you.

My grandad died 4 years ago now. The ball has definitely shrunk, but it can still hit that button really hard when it tries.

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thepiedpiano@reddit

I love this. My grandma passed 8 years ago and the ball was very large for a very long time. It's smaller now but leaves me with a gulp in my throat every so often, like you said, on birthdays, Christmas, mother's day etc. turning 30 was a hard one.

I find talking about her helped and helps the most. For the longest of time, I couldn't accept that she had died and I lived in a bubble on the brink of bursting. It sucked and still sucks and I don't know why I grieved that way.

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Crochet-panther@reddit

Absolutely. I was there when my grandad passed and even four years later little things can ping that ball at the button more accurately than a basketball player. A hearse leaving a terrace house. An ambulance in a certain colour. A tweed flat cap. Sitting in my Nanas front room and a chair being empty, but in a certain light there’s just a hint that it shouldn’t be.

Or a Reddit post at the wrong time of day it turns out!

I’m really sorry about your Nana, and I hope every day gets a little bit easier.

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thepiedpiano@reddit

I'm sorry about your grandad. I hope your days get easier, too ❤️

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

That’s a great analogy.

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Crochet-panther@reddit

I can’t believe take the credit, I don’t actually know where I first saw it but it really struck me as being a great visualisation

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LikeEveryoneSheKnows@reddit

I'm the same. I drive past my grandparents old house often (not in a pilgrimage sort of way, just it's not far from me in in the centre of town) and I could give a guided tour with my eyes shut, even after a good few years have passed. Their house was my safe place and I often have a little wander around in my mind.

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Kittygrizzle1@reddit

I live in my parents old house. They both died years ago. Even though it’s completely different now, I still sit in every room every day remembering every detail. It’s kind of comforting.

Except for the garden. Always upsets me for some reason.

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Greendeco13@reddit

Ooh I do that. I can walk through my granny’s house in my mind and it soothes me. I miss my granny so much, it’s nearly 40 years since she died and I think about her all the time.

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Definitely-awkward@reddit

I lost my best friend 6 years ago, she was 29. It was a violent death and we were in different countries so I never had a chance to say goodbye. The pain was so much that I shut myself down completely which just got me deeper into my already existing depression. It took me 5 years to finally have the strength to try to find a way to deal with it. It's been a year since I started therapy and it has improved my life a lot. I'm better now, but I will get back those five years that I isolated myself from everyone else and was just numb all the time. I'm still dealing with it.

All this to say... feel it now, don't avoid it, don't bury it, don't hide from it. You're avoiding it because it's painful, but eventually with time, you will learn how to live with it. Grief is not something you get over it, it's something you learn to make space for in your life. You're grieving because you were lucky enough to love someone that much. Talk to someone you're comfortable with or if you are willing and open, therapy really helps. You'll have good days and bad days, grief has no right timeline. One day, something will bring a memory of your mum and the joy of that memory will be a bit more than the pain of her absence. You will get through it. You will find joy in life again. It's okay to feel and you'll be okay.

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mintyfresh2807@reddit

This is very timely. I’ve lost two grandfathers this week and I need to work out how to process this.

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Excellent-Radio-8339@reddit

100%. My dad was the other half of my soul and I’ve visited his grave 3 times possibly

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SeasonReasonable4282@reddit

I lost my wife to heart failure in 2009. I met a new partner in 2021, but she died of pancreatic cancer in 2024. I lost one of my sisters last week. Life can be very hard at times.

Waves.

Grief is like a wave, at first, it’s like a tsunami, it overwhelms you, drowning you until you don’t know which way is up anymore.

Then as time slowly goes past, the waves get smaller, now they only reach your neck, then just to your hips, and eventually, they just lap at your feet.

But every once in a while, you get hit by another tsunami wave; these do eventually get less as time goes on; these are all parts of grieving.

After time has passed, you will be able to think of your loved one and smile.

Remember, many people walk a similar pathway to yours, but only you can walk your pathway, as everybody's pathway is different.

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unbelievablydull82@reddit

No I think about them a lot. I tell stories about them to my wife and kids, growing up in an Irish household, we would talk about old friends and relatives a lot, no one was left in the past. It's good to celebrate your loved ones, even if they aren't around anymore, they're part of why you are you

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Thanks for posting this. Its not that I don't want to. I just struggle to cope when I do and I almost bury ir before I start crying or go to a dark place

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unbelievablydull82@reddit

Thats heartbreaking, 50 is no age, she was only six years older than I am now. It'll take time, just be patient and gentle on yourself, I'm sure she'll want you to use the love you had for each other to spur you on to a good life. I wish you all the best

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Numerous-Substance55@reddit

I am the exact same. It's too difficult and overwhelming to think about them but it feels like a betrayal not to.

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laluLondon@reddit

I don't avoid thinking about my dad, who died of cancer 3 years ago and was my favourite person in the whole world. I imagine he's watching me live and enjoying seeing me grow, thrive, fail, learn and have fun. I do avoid thinking about the pain and suffering he endured, that makes me cry a lot. I can't help missing my dad, but somehow imagining he's happy for me makes it easier.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Im sorry for your loss and so glad you have this outlook

I hope I can get there. Even imagining her being happy for me makes me cry. It just hurts.

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No_Pea-1@reddit

My dad died in an accident at home a few months ago and there isnt 10 minutes that goes by where I dont think about it all. It was a machinery accident in the garage (lathe) I cleaned up the blood on easter weekend.

My mum also died 2 years ago from cancer. I think of her every day.

My grandfather died a couple months ago. I think of him less often, not that I didnt love him.

In mid 20s. Hoping my 30s are easier :-)

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stuaird1977@reddit

I lost my mum at 77 to cancer. I was 45. I ended having up having two periods of therapy. Helped a lot. Now when I think of her I smile.

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Salt-Trade-5210@reddit

Yes. The pain of losing my mum was almost unbearable but I got angry with myself when I tried to avoid thinking about her because it felt like a betrayal.

Things got bad. Really bad. It took counselling and medication to get me to the point where I can think about her without crying most of the time.

My world fundamentally changed when she died and although it's been nearly 4 years nothing feels "right" any more.

I'll keep working on it.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Im so sorry for your loss. I think whats hard is people just assume you've processed it after a time.

Theres so much to unpick with grief.

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cuppachar@reddit

“Good!” said Merry. “Then I would like supper first, and after that a pipe.” At that his face clouded. “No, not a pipe. I don’t think I’ll smoke again.”

“Why not?” said Pippin.

“Well,” answered Merry slowly. “He is dead. It has brought it all back to me. He said he was sorry he had never had a chance of talking herb-lore with me. Almost the last thing he ever said. I shan’t ever be able to smoke again without thinking of him, and that day, Pippin, when he rode up to Isengard and was so polite.”

“Smoke, then, and think of him!” said Aragorn. “For he was a gentle heart and a great king and kept his oaths; and he rose out of the shadows to a last fair morning. Though your service to him was brief, it should be a memory glad and honourable to the end of your days.”

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Lotr is my favourite. My mum loved it too.

Thank you for sharinf this ❤️

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Low-Suit-3125@reddit

I am very sorry for your loss. Maybe you are not in a position to process it yet. Maybe you have other things in life that are causing you stress so you can't relax enough to grieve.

I think grieving comes naturally when you are in a safe, stable and peaceful enough place for it to happen organically without any force. Once the stage is set for grieving to happen, then it will naturally process over time. Be kind to yourself 💙

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ksjamyg@reddit

I’m 22. My mum died in 2023 and my dad in November 2025. I didn’t really have a good relationship with them. I think about them a lot, not necessarily out of choice but that’s just how my brain is. Mostly about how things could’ve been different in a lot of ways for factors outside my control. I’m incredibly aware of the fact that they’ll never see any of the milestones in my life. They’ve already missed me getting my first career-job out of uni.

It’s not a bad thing to think about them all the time, just beware of the effect it’s having on you. I noticed I was starting to really struggle, and have now started therapy. Make sure you’ve got people around you, and share your memories of them any chance you get :)

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pulledthestickeroff@reddit

I’m sorry about your Mum. I lost my Dad in a traumatic experience last year and found it impossible to even picture him in my mind. After suffering for months I had EMDR therapy and it helped me make him a part of my life again. It’s hard knowing I can’t see him again but it was worse not even being able to think about him. I wish healing for you ❤️

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Historical-Rise-1156@reddit

I still talk about my parents, and it has been 34 yrs for mum & 24 for dad but I find it comforting to think about them especially when I see something that I know they would like be it a dog, a view or just funny.

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mycatmax84@reddit

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, losing your mum is so hard in an indescribable way. I lost my mum when I was 19, over 20 years ago now but sometimes it hits just as hard as if it were new. I definitely went through a period of not thinking about it, and by that also her, to save myself the grief, I just couldn't deal with it at the time. But it always comes back, there's no getting out of it, and by the time I finally dealt with it I felt awkward like it had been too long and ppl thought I should've gotten over it by then. Of course no-one did, just my own feelings. Your grief is yours, its a very personal thing, get through it however you can. Xx

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Born_Being408@reddit

My dad died fairly recently and I can talk about him and the funny things he did when he was alive. I find it comforting to talk about nice memories. However, I find it really hard to think about the days leading up to his death and the fact that he’s not here anymore. I avoid thinking about that because when I do, I can picture him on his death bed trying to talk to me and struggling to get his breath. I replay what I said to him and worry that I didn’t tell him everything I needed to say.

When he first passed away, I went for a walk every morning before work and and I would often end up sobbing as I walked along the path, or I’d sit on a bench until the tears passed. After that, I’d feel like I’d got everything out of my system before the day started and I could push it out of my mind for the rest of the day. I deliberately avoid thinking about the fact that he’s dead, because it makes it real and sometimes the tears still hit me out of nowhere at really inconvenient times like on the bus or the supermarket checkout.

It would have been his birthday recently and I deliberately made plans to something fun with my friends to avoid thinking about it.

I also started learning to play a musical instrument shortly after he died, which has been brilliant as a form of therapy. I thrash out any bad thoughts in my lessons and the fact that it requires lots of concentration helps to empty my mind of anything else. I have my lessons at the time when I used to visit my dad and I’ve created a new ritual of going for breakfast on my way there to fill that time with something I look forward to. I also practice at home every night and it’s really helped to fill my mind with something more constructive than the morbid thoughts I was having.

I still allow myself the odd wallow where I I do think about the fact he’s gone. I wrap myself in my dad’s blanket, play songs he used to like and have a good cry. Then, I pack all of those feelings away again and push them to the back of my mind until the next time.

Grief is complicated. There’s no right or wrong. You just do what you need to in order to get through it.

Thinking of the OP and everyone else who is finding this process difficult. X

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Stevebwrw@reddit

Mum was 55, so. Kind of, yeah. I wasn't close. To my old man. We got a lot closer and discovered we had quite a lot in common before he passed away. Your dad may surprise you.

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mincedhalloumi@reddit

My mum also died of cancer when she was 46. I was in a similar position in that I don't have much of a relationship with my Dad and very little other family. I still lived with her at the time and had seen/spoken to her pretty much every day of my life beforehand. Then she was just gone.

It will have been 10 years this year (which feels impossible) but I was definitely where you are now. I think I cried everyday for the first year. Anytime my mind was left to drift it would always drift to her death, how much I missed her and the cold, hard reality that I would never see her again. I'd really get myself in a state. I eventually got tired of feeling that way so I would avoid anything that might set me off.

I still think about her every single day but I talk about her more often now. I think the more you talk about her (and actually talk about her, not the fact she's dead) the easier it gets. I like new people in my life to know a story about her or what she was interested in before they know she's dead. Her being dead isn't the only thing to say about her. It takes a while to feel that way, but it does come. It would have been her 56th birthday last week and I still had a cry. It never fully goes away but you do learn how to manage it over time.

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Ordinary_Piglet_2644@reddit

Don't know who saw the 3 documentaries Dr Hannah Fry did on AI in the UK? Anyway, in one of the episodes, a guy had his mother's (who had died) voice saved to AI so that he could physically phone her still and have a conversation. Don't know what people think about this. Is it NOT letting go or a good idea to lessen the grief?

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New-Parsnip7513@reddit

Dad died suddenly at 55 last month, I do the same.

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twpa-01@reddit

I lost my mum at 28, she was 51 so very similar circumstances.

I had tried the same thinking it would help but then when memories and fleeting thoughts came up they were even more painful as I hadn't processed them.The best piece of advice that actually stuck with me is that grief is the price we pay for love. That helped me turn the sadness of losing her into focusing on the love I had received from her and the love I carry for her.

I wish you well and if you ever need someone to talk through anything please feel free to DM me.

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Chocolategirl1234@reddit

I lost my dad 6 months ago. He was much older than your mum and was not very well for a while. His death was still very sudden and a massive shock though. A lot of the time I try to avoid thinking about him because of how hard it is. But every so often I do, sometimes because of conversations with my mum. Then we both get sad. And I feel guilty about upsetting my mum.

That said, we do then reflect and each time I think it gets a bit better.

I’m so so sorry about your mum. Particularly how young she was. It feels so unfair.

The cliche is that grief is the price we pay for love. I agree and think that the more the love the harder the grief. I think you need to get through this grief bit by bit as best you can.

I wish you so much love xxx

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liesbuiltuponlies@reddit

I am so sorry for your loss op. I lost my dad and then my mum over a 12 week period a couple of years ago and it does get easier over time. For the first year I couldn't think about them without breaking down. But as time passed the hurt became less, replaced with fondness and love. I still miss them both terribly but it does become easier to live with

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majestic_tapir@reddit

It's quite common to try and push it away, I know that's what I do with things that have historically bothered me.

If you don't have people to talk to, but feel you need to get some stuff out, please feel free to call the Samaritans on 116 123

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ceb1995@reddit

When my dad died I did for a few years, I was a child so I didn't really know how to cope with it. As a result I lost memories which I have peace at this point that I m not getting back, so I would say as it's only been a couple of years and it's a major trauma if you ve not had that level of loss before to remember in very small bursts when you can and to have some faith that the pain although never completely leaves you it does become less often and less triggering.

I see someone's quoted the excellent pain button in a box analogy and I would certainly say there's a lot of truth in that.

I would also say you will find acceptance in the change of who you are because of this loss, although that will take time if course.

I have been to a few many funerals since dad's 21 years ago, all that loss and I know it changed me but I don't see that as bad thing anymore, I m still part of who all my loved ones made me but I ve got this appreciation of the little joys and don't care about material things.

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Pristine_Dot_5526@reddit

I lost my dad when I turned to 15. He was in his forties. First I tried to forget memories as it happened when I just went to secondary, but recent years realized he is living in me - and I should remember the good memories I've had with him. Then mum left when I was preparing to leaving cert exams. In recent weeks I passed exactly the age (by day) how old he was when passing. I was destroyed all day that day. But it made my strengths that from that day we live every day together, even he had no chance to do so in his life including seeing his grandchildren etc. He is away more than 30 years and I keep remembering him every day - I can't forget this and realized our relationship is getting closer day by day.

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Kim_catiko@reddit

No. I think about my dad as a way to keep him alive, at least in my mind. I am always so happy when I have a dream and he is in it, because my dreams can be quite vivid so they feel real. I sometimes talk about him to my son because he never got to know him.

My relationship with my dad was different though. I was close with him in a way that we had shared interests and I liked to go and talk to him and he was interested in my life, but it was very much a parent-child relationship. I miss him dearly, but he wasn't my best friend.

Perhaps you could go to grief counselling. You might be able to refer yourself through Mind Matters, which is via the NHS.

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bodyvoltage@reddit

I think about my dad all the time, he passed away last year and within that year I've done so many things I wish I could tell him about, menial things like going on holiday or if I had some nice food somewhere or big things like buying an house, I spent that whole year being angry about it but now I let myself be sad about it, a big cry is a frequent occurrence but it's what's good for me

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AhoyWilliam@reddit

No. My mum died about 2 years ago as well (albeit at 68). At first I spent a while just numb, but... Now I feel like I can think about her without risking a complete mood collapse. The hardest bit was when I did things that I thought "I'll have to tell mum about this later... Ah shite". That said, I still haven't listened to one of her favourite songs yet. That is probably the final hurdle...

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Yeah it is horrible. I want kids and if im lucky enough to have them it makes me sad she'll never meet them

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

Yes, I feel this too. My oldest son was a toddler when my mom died, and that was hard. But it was really hard that my mom never met my youngest. But I will say that I and many of my motherless daughter friends have found that mothering our own children has been so healing in our grief — we connect to our moms consciously and subconsciously do/say/remember how they mothered us.

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herwiththepurplehair@reddit

Seven years today since my mum died, a year and a half since I lost my dad. I think about them all the time, why wouldn’t I? They’ll always be a part of me, and I have fond memories of both of them, memories that I’ve no wish to push aside.

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Pagan_MoonUK@reddit

People process bereavement in different ways. I don't have photos up of my departed relative, but the few I have, I've kept. I've reached the stage where I can l smile and wonder what they would have thought or what advice they would give if they were around today. I feel them in spirit sometimes and I get comfort that they are guiding me through difficult moments.

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breadlinn@reddit

Everyone processes loss snd death differently. You need to go through your own motions on the journey.

I (29 now) lost my Mam who was 58 two years ago very suddenly and I find it very rare that I'm not thinking of her to some degree. So much I wish I coud share with her and find that talking about her helps.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Thank you and I'm sorry abour your Mum.

Same with me. So much to share.

I feel like I have no one left since losing her. Like I'm on my own completely and it's scary. I think that also comws into play.

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

We all need a mum, no matter how old we are. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I’m a motherless daughter too.

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Bullseyesuccess@reddit

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in December 2024 (two days before Christmas!). I’ve never experienced pain like it. I honestly think no loss comes close to losing a parent, especially if you’re close to them. I can think of my dad without crying/feeling sad now, but it’s a wound that will never heal. I don’t think it’s something you can ever “get over”. You just learn to live with it. Sending you lots of hugs, OP. ❤️

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Mountain_Resident_81@reddit

Do you give yourself permission OP? Also have you seen a therapist ever? Possibly the right one might really help you open that box.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I use to give myself permission. I don't know why I don't anymore. It feels too overwhelming.

I also think she was sick for so long and I was so anxious of her dying that when she died, I kinda felt "okay-ish" because the worst had happened. That sounds awful, but constant bad news or the anxiety of dr appointments take it out of you. When she died I was like...its happened. This is bad as it gets. I got really bad health anxiety after. But maybe this is it. Like a delayed reaction.

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AWhistlingWoman@reddit

I can really relate to this. Before my Dad was even going to die, I used to worry about my parents dying. I’d cry at the thought, because how could I even continue without them? Doesn’t the world just end at that point? And then when he died I felt this hollow weird feeling like… ok so everyone just literally carries on and the earth isn’t in flames… and it’s happened. I almost felt disappointed by how bloody pedestrian it felt. The worst has happened and yet the sky is intact.

I also find it hard to think Dad thoughts day to day. Because I’m a grown up with stuff to do and if I allowed myself to delve too far into thinking about my Dad I wouldn’t be able to function. It’s just self preservation. Sometimes I try to tell my husband something small, about the emotions that something has brought up, like a song. And usually it’s like “I heard this song on the radio and I didn’t turn it off, which is great because I used to have to turn it off because Dad loved it” and before I get to the end of saying it I’m sobbing. I can think the thought, but fleetingly, I can’t say it and allow it to process.

Grief is horrible, and in my experience goes through various phases. I’m now 5 years into it and I’m really only now starting to be able to think about things a bit more without it being an emotional tsunami.

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

I felt this too. Anticipatory grief. When my mom died of cancer, a small part of me was relieved that I didn’t have to think about cancer anymore. (Until my dad was diagnosed!)

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rebelallianxe@reddit

That doesn't sound awful it sounds like a very natural reaction. I would really recommend speaking to someone about how you're feeling. Cruse offer specialist bereavement counselling so may be a good place to start.

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HauntingTheVoid@reddit

My whole family is dead. I don't think about them much and I try not to dwell on it when I do. It does get easier with time and two years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

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Potential_Bat8605@reddit

Sending you a gentle hug. That’s a tough place to be, and many of us may find ourselves there. I hope you have been fortunate to create additional family through friends.

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Twenty_Ten@reddit

I'm sorry for your loss. When my father died, someone told me it'll never become less painful or emotional, I'd just get more familier with it.

It's true, it's been a few years now and I still remember the last time I saw him, and the last phone call with him and it chokes me up... even now, writing this.

It's only now I realise it's a feeling that cannot be really fully shared or understood unless we've experianced it ourselves.

Keep going, be strong. You'll make her proud, I'm sure.

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yorkspirate@reddit

Quite the opposite. My momma (grandma) was the most influential person on my life, she's why I am the person I am today and I have an underlying belief that I treat people how I'd expect people to treat her. She's the only person who actually believed in me, who didn't let my mistakes slide but didnt hold them against me either. We had such a close bond and although I don't think of her very often since she passed 11yrs ago after a decade of ill health every time I do I know full well she's smiling down proudly of me and how I forged my own way in life 'you bloody little tinker' 🥰🥰

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shamone_mofo@reddit

Ive had a sibling murdered and lost a parent and been a big part of the last days of my grandparents .the best way for me to move forward is try my best to not think about them as it takes me straight back to the days it happened. Maybe its not the oldest way to deal with trauma but I just keep burying it and dealing with life one day at a time .

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

This is exactly what I'm doing. Im so sorry for your loss.

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shamone_mofo@reddit

Im sorry for your loss too . Be strong have a cry if you need one and then face the day again .grief can blind side you out of no where. There is no right way to deal with it other than a day at a time or sometimes even an hour at a time .

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MissWiggleNjiggle1@reddit

My dad died 29 years ago and I honestly think about him everyday, I look at my kids in particular and it hurts knowing that they’ve never met my dad especially when I’ve such a shit relationship with my mum and she’s had more than enough chances to see my kids and she chooses not to.

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abyssal-isopod86@reddit

That's part of how many people learn to exist with the pain of a lost loved one.

Both of my grandmothers pasted over a decade ago, both helped raise me and I remained close with them in my adulthood as well.

I felt such crushing grief at there passing that I avoided thinking about them at first to avoid the pain and so I didn't just burst out in tears.

But slowly, over time, I was able to think of them a little before it started to hurt and as more time passed, I was able to think of them a little longer before the pain started.

Now, I can think of them as long as I like and there's no pain, not because I don't feel their loss, I do, but because the wound grief causes has healed.

What helped me get to that point is knowing that this is the nature of life, it is supposed to end and grandparents ate supposed to die before me and I know that's what will ultimately get my through the grief when I lose my parents.

I love my grandmothers so much I changed my name to an amalgamation of their maiden surnames.

I lost both of my heart dogs last year and that hit me just as hard as my grandmothers.

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MelodicAd2213@reddit

I don’t avoid thinking of my late parents, I often do think of them as it keeps their existence in my mind rather than reflecting on the fact they’re no longer here, if that can make any sense at all. I miss both like hell but like to keep them in mind.

My brother I think is more like you and speaks about them much less than I do. I suppose I’m more comforted by their memory however much I miss them.

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btredcup@reddit

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit. My dad died two years ago, today is his birthday. I don’t avoid thinking about him, I think about him days. But I do get sad when a thought pops up or I want to tell him something so I kind of suppress it until I have time to feel sad. I know that’s not healthy so I’m going to find a therapist. I think I’m still in the shock phase because I can’t quite believe that he’s not here. I still think he’s going to come in from the garage or I’ll get a random text off him. Please look into therapy. The grief will never go but therapy will help you process it.

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ndcdshed@reddit

I have a real thing about respecting the dead (people getting a proper funeral for example, bodies being treated carefully etc) and part of that for me is keeping the memory of them alive by talking about them, having photos up of them. It’s obviously so hard at first but it gets easier to recount the good times. I sometimes dream about my passed away relatives, and I’m not religious or superstitious at all, but it feels like their memory is visiting me and I really treasure that even though it can make me upset. I truly believe they are still with us in our ‘hearts’ as they say and it’s important to me I appreciate that. This means that when I think or talk about them, I do still feel grief, but I feel love for them, too.

I’ve told everyone that when I die, I want to be cremated and I don’t want my ashes spread. I want my urn to sit on a shelf in someone’s kitchen and I want them to have a wee chat with me when making dinner or a cup of tea etc. People think this is a bit mad but I just like the thought of still “being there” for someone in memory even if I am no longer there physically. Or being there in spirit, not as an actual spirit, but in their heart.

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frozzyfroz0404@reddit

Grief is like spilling a container of glitter in your house. It’s overwhelming and everywhere at first and frustrating to clean up then when you think it’s all over you seem to find little specks here and there that you tend to view in a more positive light

Unfortunately it will never not have an effect on you, you just learn to cope with it in a healthier way and if that requires a therapist then go ahead!!

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Queen_ofMemes@reddit

I can’t do it. Whenever my thoughts start to drift to my mum (she died 3 years ago) I immediately have to shut them out. If I start to think about her too much I just breakdown and can’t handle it. I know it’s not healthy, but I’ve been to therapy and this is the only strategy I have that allows me to live my life, sadly. So sorry for your loss. Sending lots of peace and love your way.

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Restorationjoy@reddit

So sorry to hear this. I think not thinking about her is a coping strategy as it’s too painful to contemplate. There is no right or wrong. My first experience of grief was losing a grandparent who I was very close to and it disturbed me to find that I could not bring myself to think about her and also quickly found I had forgotten so much about her. Eventually I had a grief counselling session. It didn’t change things but made me realise that I was going through a tough time and to go easy on myself. More than 20 years later I still rarely think of her, but I have accepted that it is the way I needed to deal with things and that’s okay. Even if I had managed to think about her, it wouldn’t have changed the pain and in a way, it was an act of self preservation to not do so. I hope things get better for you soon and wish you all the best .

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SignatureGold6447@reddit

Yes!

I think it’s a trauma response. My best friend passed just over a year and a half ago and I still think of her for afew fleeting moments here and there daily, but going deeper just hurts too much right now. Seeing her picture, reading old messages or voicenotes just open something I struggle to close so for right now its just easier to keep it to the fleeting moments.

I’m so sorry for your loss, however you grieve is what works for you. I would suggest having some sort of grief counselling (but I’d also be a massive hypocrite because I know I should too and just not brave enough for it yet!).

💙

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Interesting_Fish309@reddit

5 years in December and I still struggle to watch videos of my mum. My memory is tainted because of how I found her. Flashbacks are hard. I avoid going out because everyone I see mentions her and I just burst out crying. Grief is raw. You are still suffering. I feel if I open up too much I'll never stop and my heart won't cope 💔

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I feel like you just put it into words perfectly.

Im sorry for your loss

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hotdamn_1988@reddit

I can’t talk about my dad, or even think about him or I cry. Ffs I’m crying now writing this

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Sending you lots of love

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DifferentWave@reddit

I just want to say thank you for posting this OP. I lost my wife last year. To me it’s like a radio always playing in my head, sometimes it’s loud, at other times I can tune it out, but it’s always there. The past few days it’s been louder.

I had no idea I could feel like this until it happened to me. I’ve lost close family but that’s nowhere near this experience. Perversely I find myself thinking more of my wife now she’s gone than I did while she was here. I love(d) her very very very much, but while she was alive she was just always *there*, now she’s gone she’s become this kind of preoccupation and I’m not sure I actually can avoid the thoughts.

It astonishes me that so many people are going through this completely normal experience but not talking about it, so thank you once again.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Grief is all consuming. Pretending to be ok is exhausting.

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Giraffesrockyeah@reddit

My dad died 20 years ago next year and I can think about him with fondness and the memories make me smile. Time does help. Like with anything bottling things up never helps. Cause bereavement charity is good and definitely look into counselling.

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Miss_Type@reddit

I talk about my dad all the time, never stopped. He's still a big part of my life and always will be.

OP, tell me about your mum. What's your favourite memory of her? What kids of things did you two do together? What was she like? :-)

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

I used to cancel plans with mt friends as a teen because I wanted to hang out with my Mum and get coffee.

I know people, including her thought it was a little odd at times. But maybe this was the reason.

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Miss_Type@reddit

That's a really special relationship. Your mum definitely knew how much you loved her <3

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SmilingSunshineDay@reddit

That's so lovely. I remember as a teenager (we'd lost dad unexpectedly when I was 15) I came to an agreement with myself, I told myself now that I was free to go out and about, when it came to choosing between friends and mum I'd always choose her. Like you, I think I was inspired for a reason. We were so young when she was widowed, us kids thought of ourselves more and less of how difficult it was for mum. But that thought just came like a bolt out of the blue and I'm happy it did.

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Cha_r_ley@reddit

This is so sweet. You must have had a brilliant relationship with her. ❤️

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

She was my best friend

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Joshthenosh77@reddit

That’s amazing , and it must hurt so bad , but the ones we truly love never leave us they are always on our hearts

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DropDeadFredidit@reddit

Just wanted to send you a big hug 🫂

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The-Ghost-84@reddit

Running away from things rarely helps.

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toriatain@reddit

When my Dad was poorly/dying I avoided it. Burrows myself in work and just didn't take time to really acknowledge what was going on.

I ended up having a full breakdown, lost my job, and it's taken a long time to get back to a normal place.

I had a very complicated relationship with him. Growing up he was horrible and abusive. But as a Grandad he was the most amazing Grandad and everything I wished he was when I was growing up.

I've been thinking about him a lot the last week- it's my daughter's 18th and I'm gutted he isn't here to see them celebrate. We went to Germany (he was stationed out there for 7 years and talked about it all the time) and I just kept thinking about all the things he would have laughed at and experiences we had while out there.

We are all different, it's hard to navigate. In my experience running away and ignoring it did not work.

OP, when you feel that you are able to celebrate the memory of your Mum please do. But for now take it easy and be kind to yourself x

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Supergoose5000@reddit

Being forced to think about lost loved ones due to societal pressure doesn't help either. You do you. And that's It.

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ZombieGash@reddit

I lost my dad when I was barely a teen and then my mum not long after. I’m mid 30s and I can’t even bare to go to there grave. I act ignorant to it as if it’s not true.

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Joshthenosh77@reddit

No I do the opposite , when I think of my dad it makes me smile , I think of all the good things and memories , and I will talk about him any chance I get , he deserves that

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Nipsy_uk@reddit

Whilst an understandable reaction, it often feels that we spend to much time missing loved ones, and not enough time thinking about the time we had with them.

You somehow though, have to find a "healthy " way to come to terms with your loss. they after all would not want you to spend your days suffering.

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DollySheep32@reddit

I wear the St Christopher medallion my grandma gave me before I went to China every day, so I never avoid thinking of her as so much as I have her with me low-key and think of her every time I readjust the chain. And grandpa is definitely a mischievous ghost who tripped me down the altar stairs at her funeral which is always with me when I think of her.

More seriously, she comes up a lot in therapy as we were very close. Things circle back to her a lot and therapy is a good outlet for the more outwardly emotional times I talk about her. So I guess it's the opposite - I still get very emotional but I've learned to regulate how I express it to others while still keeping her memory close to me. Less crying but no avoidance.

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undoneyet@reddit

My mother died in my arms three years ago, she had lung cancer and her end came in the form of a massive haemorrhage, she drowned in blood as I held her. I am dealing ok with bereavement, but am having a lot of trouble with the amount of tv and movies that portray the final moments of someone bleeding from the mouth, or a cut throat. I am beginning to understand how undermining ptsd is, and am quite angry that my lovely memories of my mum have become corrupted by a scene from a horror movie.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

Hi, not at all and I'm so sorry. I watched my Mum die too, albeit not as harrowing as this

And in terms of the tv thing, I'm the same. Even funeral scenes.

We get told death is normal ans it is but like you said...the ptsd is very brushed over

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Boggyprostate@reddit

Yep, this is exactly how I am! Honestly I bet I am a therapists dream. I also start weaning myself off folk who are on their way out, namely my grandparents, which I hugely regret now and know that was a stupid thing to do.

My husband died 17 years ago, that was sudden and unexpected and then my grandparents after him. I must admit there isn’t anyone left to go now, other than my son, that I care about.

I don’t allow myself to think of my husband, I just hate sadness, I hate feeling it, I hate dealing with it so I don’t.

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ashpotato16@reddit

I do. My Dad died 6 months ago. I have to distract myself when I think of him, which is multiple times a day. It feels bad to push him to the back of my mind sometimes but at the minute it's better than breaking down constantly.

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girlandhiscat@reddit (OP)

This is it. It's not the lack of the love. It's the opposite. Its consuming.

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Lo_jak@reddit

It took me 5+ years to openly talk about my aunt who passed away, for me I needed lots of time to come to terms with the loss before I could think about my memories of them or even talk about them. I couldn't think about her or talk about her without breaking down and thats why I had to shut that part of my mind away for a long time.

Everyone deals with loss differently and you should do what works for you.

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Greendeco13@reddit

Lost so many family and my best friend over the past few years. I think of them often, I treasure my memories. I’m sometimes sad and have a weep because I miss them so much, but I go with it. Grief is different for everyone, you do what feels right for you.

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