What is the most messed up thing you’ve seen go down at a rural pub?
Posted by Charming_Usual6227@reddit | AskABrit | View on Reddit | 231 comments
Posted by Charming_Usual6227@reddit | AskABrit | View on Reddit | 231 comments
Lazy-Objective-1630@reddit
I've seen a fight go nearly too far with one guy literally strangling the other to death on the floor and had to have three of his mates lift him physically off him.
I've seen table football competitions where the losers have to streak. These two girls tagged in, lost, and just got stark bollock naked in the pub. They were fine as all fuck too. Didn't care. Just stood there, pants round ankles grinning.
Two larger breasted girls got into an argument about who had the biggest tits, so of course after a load of vodka (and some goading by the local lads) they of course just got them out and started squeezing each other's tits. We dared them to have a little suck and they did, but that's as far as it went.
One lad decided his girl had been cheating with this other lad so he smashed a thick glass ashtray in this guy's face, dragged his girlfriend out the pub by her hair and put her head through a car door window.
One lad had offended another and the one who'd taken offence disappeared, then just rocked up suddenly with about ten of his mates, dragged this guy out into the carpark and beat him into hospital. I think it was about football. I mean this lad was a mess - broken arm, ribs and shattered eye socket from where one of them had repeatedly stamped on his face.
The good old days, as they were known.
Brizzledude65@reddit
Whereabouts was this, if you don't mind me asking?
Lazy-Objective-1630@reddit
My now hometown (which I'm not calling out on the Internet as it's a small town - might as well just post my address) and all this was nearly 40 years ago anyway.
Breakwaterbot@reddit
Well, having grown up in a rural Lincolnshire village with a population of less than 2000 people and 5 pubs, I've seen some strange things over the years.
I'd say the worst one was when a guy who was visiting the area went into the smaller "locals" ale drinkers pub, ordered a pint and sat on a small chair next to the bar. Now he obviously didn't know this, but that was Margaret's chair which she used to sit on every day. She had died a few months earlier and the landlord put a little remembrance plaque on it. After he had sat down, 5 blokes went up and asked him what the fuck he was doing. Before he had a chance to respond they grabbed him, threw him out the front door and he was hit by a cyclist (lucky it wasn't a car tbh). Just under an hour later, the guy returned with 6 other blokes and an all out brawl kicked off.
Brandoch_Daha@reddit
That seat situation is exactly the sort of scenario that plays in my head when I'm going into a pub as a non-local and wondering 'what's the worst that could happen'.
mierneuker@reddit
It's pretty unusual tbh. The chair thing is normal but freaking out rather than saying something as someone sat down is unusual. My old pub had one chair that wasn't to be sat in except if the place was heaving (rare), several special pint glasses for specific regulars, as well as three guys who were not allowed in if specific staff were on, and one dude who was allowed in only if at least two other customers were present (horny cokehead who kept hitting on the manager).
Spikyleaf69@reddit
Drink driving, actually extremely drunk driving is fine as long as it is within the village. Many people drive to the pub, get pissed then drive home & nobody cares as long as they live in the village.
Absolutely bonkers. Stopped visiting our friends in that village because of this behaviour.
mierneuker@reddit
The pub I worked at 20+ years back was about a mile outside the village, so everyone drove there. The local postmaster had previously been a police sergeant, he was at it same as the rest of them. There was a fairly regular occurrence that a local would leave, crash their car into the bridge and then walk back to the pub, whereupon they would call the police to say their car had been stolen.
Hefty_Tip7383@reddit
If it’s in the village surely walking would be easier?
johnny_briggs@reddit
I saw a man on his back with a woman sitting on his chest going at him with a broken glass. It's wasn't rural though so I don't know why I'm telling you. I think I just needed to tell someone.
Hefty_Tip7383@reddit
Best view from a pub toilet in England in that place… when was this?
Mels_101@reddit
The amount of drink driving is wild. I knew a farmer who hot banned and just started taking a tractor to the pub instead.
InternationalBoss768@reddit
Two tales from the far distant past. Farmer had a very old jaguar which he only used on market day once a month. He drank a considerable amount on that day and used the jag as he didn't have to change gear to get home. In the mid 70's was in a very rural pub. In those days pubs closed at 10:30. 11pm am still sat there and locals are still buying drink, so thought I'll try for another pint. I was served without question and a further 2 pints. I thought it might be aeird local licensing thing, so I asked the barman, when do you close? His response was, usually late November when the snow comes
Hefty_Tip7383@reddit
Rural pubs barely paid attention to licensing hours when I was young - I remember a police office coming in once and my dad explaining ‘it was alright, he was having a pint as well; he’s got his hat off’.
fatcakesabz@reddit
Went for some grub and drinks in a pub about 4 miles past the arse end of nowhere with about 20 others, 11pm comes, owner just locked the door with us and a couple of locals still in, produces a bottle of poitin that had been gifted to him by our comrades from the RIrish and says “fire in lads I can’t drink that shit” kept the bar serving until our “responsible adults”/sober drivers called time on us about 2 in the morning.
Altruistic_Grocery81@reddit
Yeah I can well believe this, I know a chap in his 90s who’s never had a driving license and instead drives a Massey about. Lovely stuff.
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
There was no driving test at all before 1935, and it was suspended again during WW2 until 1946. It is, just about, possible that your guy never actually needed to take one.
Current_Fly9337@reddit
I was camping in Northumberland and we took a late walk to the pub a couple of miles away. Was before mobile phones so we just hoped it was open.
Had around 20 locals in, all farmer looking fellas, really friendly and a few dogs which was nice.
At last orders, the barmaid asked if we were staying, my mate assumed they had rooms upstairs and advised we were camping nearby. Then they started handing out blankets and the old fellas just crashed on the chairs as they were closing up for the night.
Made the journey back to our tent better with a couple of bottles of wine and a lot of laughs.
Hefty_Tip7383@reddit
That were pretty normal for rural pubs back then.
J2JC@reddit
Oh, I just remembered one that was very strange. I was in a pub in Brighton, and a scruffy-looking German girl walked in and said to the barman “Can you look after my shoe for me? I’ll be back in 15 minutes”. She then handed him one shoe, a sandal, in a see-through plastic bag. He took it and put it behind the bar, with absolutely no reaction. My friend who I was drinking with, is also German, and she said “If she’s a real German, she’ll be back on time.” Exactly 15 minutes later, the girl walked in and asked for her shoe back. The barman handed it to her, and she walked off, shoe in hand, into the night.
gypsyjackson@reddit
A student pub I went to in Loughborough used this method of running a tab. You had to give a shoe to the barman, and you got it back once you paid.
J2JC@reddit
Ha. That’s clever.
maceion@reddit
Was in a pub in early evening. A big dog (Irish wolfhound) pushes in and walks to bar, dog's nose about a foot above bar level. Landlord pours pint and puts it in a shallow bowl and puts it in front of wolfhound. It downs the pint and then goes out. I asked who paid, customer says dog has a tab and owner settles it each week. Just a 'normal English country bar' customer.
Eastern_Bit_9279@reddit
Yeah when i lived in yorkshire, a few of the old boys in the pubs up there would get a pint for them and a 1/2 for the dog and then repeat through the afternoon and theyd both stumble home across the feilds 🤣
Whollie@reddit
My flatmate many years ago lost her dog, it bolted out an open door. The local pub phoned a bit later to let her know he'd turned up expecting treats.
RainingBlood398@reddit
During the lockdowns when my dad took his dog for a walk he would pull him in the direction of his local and cry at the door. My dad sent us a video of it one day captioned 'same, mate'.
Suspicious_Flower_0@reddit
Reminded me of this -
https://youtu.be/RDdoxgXEp0g
OzzyinKernow@reddit
There was a pub near me that had a Newfoundland living nearby. Every lunchtime the dog would walk to the pub, the landlord would pour a pint of bitter and a pint of water into a bowl out the front and then he’d wander home again. Every Sunday the owner would come in and settle his dog’s tab.
Stevebwrw@reddit
My grandad moved pubs. The dog kept going home to their old pub. The dog got sent home in a taxi and grandad had to go round now and again to settle the dogs bar tab!
Bride-of-wire@reddit
In the early 2000s I lived in Bloomsbury, central London and my local was also frequented by various actor/media/political types. My work pal and I played the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire quiz machine and were in fierce competition with Ricky Gervais and his Mrs, Jane Fallon.
The funniest thing was that once a month a local deaf society came to the pub, and there were a lot of them, they packed the place out but it was almost silent, and there were a lot of hands gesticulating. Now imagine than insane giggle Gervais has drifting out from the corner with the machine in.
I know he’s Marmite, but having spent many hours in his company I can attest to him being actually a good bloke, and exactly the same in private as he was in public.
showmethemundy@reddit
The barman told everyone in the bar that his knob could touch the bottom of a pint glass. He then demonstrated it. He was correct.
neverend1ngcircles@reddit
I was the barman, hope you had a good night!
cLWnOe8mmae7WOJi25kk@reddit
From the top down? Or cheating?
Extension_Common_518@reddit
A group of us - some old enough to drink, some not- ended up in a small village pub in deepest darkest west Cumbria. One of our group went up to the bar for a pint. He was looking a bit Morrisey (This was the early 80's) and even had hair gel on. Hair gel I tell you! While he was waiting for his pint to be poured an old geezer at the bar looked him up and down very slowly and then stated loudly to no one in particular, "There's a lot of weirdos in tonight. You'd think we were in Carlisle or summat."
Grommulox@reddit
I’ve posted this before in response to a similar question, but a friend of mine declaring that from now on he was only drinking cognac “because it’s got no calories in it” began a dispute that ended with the police being called and several people barred.
MapOfIllHealth@reddit
Why cognac specifically and not any other spirit??
Grommulox@reddit
Ah he’s mental you see
Extension_Common_518@reddit
The perfect response to any erm, eccentric behaviour. Followed by a knowing nod from the person who received the response and then back to pints, anecdotes and banter.
alfienoakes@reddit
Pub argument at its finest.
Gc1981@reddit
We stopped at a rural pub on the way back from an event. Lovely summers day around 4pm, we were hoping for something to eat. It was full, and I mean full, of bikers. Not a seat left. We went to leave and they encouraged us to come in. Said, it's a bit rowdy but you will get no bother unless you cause it. There was a bar area and a smaller room with just a pool table and some seating. There was 2 tattooed girls on the pool table naked and about a dozen guys going at it with them.
heyitsed2@reddit
I was thinking this sounds surprisingly wholesome til the very end there... Did you get any grub though, is what I'm left wondering...
HowUtterlyGhastly@reddit
"I'll have what she's having."
Gc1981@reddit
Yes, they had a BBQ going.
andypanty69@reddit
That explains the fear of leaving after being "invited" to stay.
Gc1981@reddit
They told us that later.
Mr_Inconsistent1@reddit
I wouldn't have wanted to use the cues afterwards. Not even if they'd been soaked in bleach for a year.
HowUtterlyGhastly@reddit
Yeah but you might get a good price for them online.
tmbyfc@reddit
Easy pink or the trickier brown?
Gc1981@reddit
Every colour was taken. The women were old enough to be my gran though.
Mr_Inconsistent1@reddit
I can't believe I missed the obvious pink and brown jokes!!
Tricky-Reporter-5246@reddit
Pink and brown already taken
Think-Committee-4394@reddit
It’s never an easy shot if the baize is sticky
Altruistic_Grocery81@reddit
Whereabouts was this? You know, so I can avoid it.
Gc1981@reddit
Scottish borders.
dible46@reddit
Me and my mate where camping up at Loch lomond and went into a famous pub there to discover something similar. Turned around to walk out, were encouraged to stay. We did and had one off the best nights off my life. I was 17....
Akash_nu@reddit
Did you walk in the middle of a shooting?!
Gc1981@reddit
No, it was the blue angels celebrating someone's release from prison. We stayed till about 10pm, great night.
KagakuNinja@reddit
lol, Blue Angels has a very different meaning here in the states
GreggsBakery@reddit
Nobody cares.
Opinion87@reddit
Good thing this isn't a US sub, then.
johnbobk@reddit
It's their version of 'The Red Arrows', so it would have been one HELL of a story 😉
the_roguetrader@reddit
thats funny
my youngest aunts 'fella' in the 1970s was a local guy called Bomber that had a bit of a rep as a hellraiser in the area
he was most famous for the live sex shows him and some girls regularly performed
on a pub pool table !
(The Red Lion, Barnton, Northwich)
sock_cooker@reddit
Did you get Jodie Foster's autograph?
WorleyG@reddit
A meat raffle after the biggest leek competition (which I was told by one of the locals was a code for the local swingers club, guess the UK farmers couldn’t grow pineapples?!)
QualitySufficient646@reddit
Surely it has to be the guy who smashed up his own pub with a jcb https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/oct/07/mark-swistun-arrested-smashing-pub-jcb-no-charges
Tastetherainbow_2016@reddit
In Cornwall, two pissed up old farmer types got into a row, one went out to his car and brought back a shotgun. I’m from a city with gangs and gun crime, so I shit a brick. Locals didnt bat an eyelid, barely looked up from their pints 😂
FlangePlackets@reddit
Everyone and their mums is packin round here
EnglishKris@reddit
Mr. Webley, I trust you have a license for that firearm?
BillWilberforce@reddit
How did I never get all of that joke before now?
Webley was a famous British manufacturer of handguns.
SpiritedGuest6281@reddit
I don't think there is a single thing in that trio of films that isn't a joke, reference or foreshadowing. They are just choc full of things you don't spot on your girst few watches.
BillWilberforce@reddit
I got the reference he's got a licene for this one, implying tha the has other without one. But didn't catch that this name was Mister Webley.
Tastetherainbow_2016@reddit
I does for this un
Beemzebub@reddit
He says he does for that one
-cunningstunt@reddit
Like who?
triz___@reddit
Farmers
Oghamstoner@reddit
Farmers mums
armenianfink@reddit
Your dad sells apples
-cunningstunt@reddit
And raspberries
KagakuNinja@reddit
He smelt of elderberries
BillWilberforce@reddit
I fart in his general direction.
FjortoftsAirplane@reddit
He's doing better than my Mum. Selling seashells by the seashore? Keep telling her there's thousands laying about for free.
Walter_Piston@reddit
Farmers’ livestock
nemmalur@reddit
Livestock and two smoking barrels
generichandel@reddit
You can pack as much farmers livestock as you like but leave me out of it.
SlickPillock@reddit
I know a rural police officer who said they respond to more gun threats than inner city police forces purely because of the amount of farmers walking round with shotguns
Garonman@reddit
You may have heard of the Crips and the Bloods... this is the Wheats and the Corns. It's crazy out on these rural roads. Gangsters all over
Tastetherainbow_2016@reddit
😂😂😂
ozzieowl@reddit
Anyone got a sea mine?
MuttonChopzzz@reddit
It's deactivated
ozzieowl@reddit
Proceeds to hit it with the butt of the shotgun.
Tick.. Tick.. Tick..
Whollie@reddit
We have a firearms policy at certain pubs. Thats how common they are.
wringtonpete@reddit
Same thing happened in my local pub in Somerset.
Except when the farmer came back into the pub with his shotgun several people apprehended him, the gun went off and shot the farmer's thumb off. There was a bullet hole in the floor for a few weeks before they repaired it.
aperturephotography@reddit
I'm curious where now...as a local
FlorianTheLynx@reddit
When I first moved in to my village I was engaged in conversation late one night by a mildly drunk guy with a shotgun.
Nobody was fussed. I suspect if it happened in London people might be a bit more reactive.
SpiritedGuest6281@reddit
Our local pub serves Sunday roast and once the kitchen closes, puts the leftover roast potatoes on the bar as free snacks. One day someone was a bit greedy and took far too many at once a promptly got a glass shattered over his head.
Crivens999@reddit
Off the top of my head, in Bracknell a young girl squatting down and taking a piss in the pub car park, basically on the only exit to get to the nearby Indian. And another in Wolverhampton with a young girl giving a bloke a blowjob in the pub entrance
ifeelunwanted2006@reddit
The the great thing about wolves.... full of classy girls! 😂
Xenozip3371Alpha@reddit
A gas canister exploded killing the owner, pub never re-opened.
steelsey@reddit
That’s horrendous, I manage a pub and every time I used to change the gas my arse fluttered a bit but now thanks to you I’m gonna have to take a change of clothes
Xenozip3371Alpha@reddit
If it makes you feel better... it didn't explode while he was changing it, it had a leak, and the shrapnel killed him through a wall.
steelsey@reddit
Much better thank you lol, Bloody hell what a way to go!
AdnyPls@reddit
Is this the gas for the beer pumps? Why is it so dangerous, I had no idea. It’s not exactly mains gas engineering.
SpiritedGuest6281@reddit
Anything pressurised is a risk of exploding either because its flammable or just because the pressure got too great.
Opinion87@reddit
Cellar health and safety--and management--is no joke.
analisforfun@reddit
Seen the local homeless guy glass or stab someone every year for Christmas so he can be in prison
antlered-god@reddit
A dog in an eating area having a diarrhea attack. Absolutely gross
ITrampyMcGee@reddit
This killed me hahaha
colin_staples@reddit
Rik Mayall skulking in the corner, and Brian Glover telling me to "keep to the road, stay clear of the moors and beware of the full moon"
Hollyhop_Drive@reddit
That sounds like there's a whole story around that.
colin_staples@reddit
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_American_Werewolf_in_London
Hollyhop_Drive@reddit
🤦♀️ my bad.
Entire_Nerve_1335@reddit
Tbf it's a fairly niche reference without context lol
colin_staples@reddit
And you do have to be above a certain age to get it too.
andypanty69@reddit
I had a feeling it was going to be that but hadn't quite got to the name. Probably because I don't think I ever watched it all the way through.
Entire_Nerve_1335@reddit
Tbf I'm in my early 30s and have seen this but still didn't immediately get the reference
RagingMassif@reddit
TBF Brian was right about the path wasn't he...
dible46@reddit
Damn I didn't realise Rick mayle was in that.
RagingMassif@reddit
His first speaking part I believe, though he was a practicing comedian in Sarf London at the time.
Far-Concentrate-9844@reddit
Holy shit, just found out Rik Mayall was in American werewolf in London. That’s my fact for work tomorrow
Shot-Bet2476@reddit
Selling coke at the bar, appreciated but out of character.
TraditionalScheme337@reddit
This was a slightly different one. There is one pub in the village i live in. Its a fair size and has a small strip of grass outside. You can probably put 4 picnic tables on it.
The landlord decided it would be a good idea to aquire 2 horses and tie them up on that small strip of land as something kids could ride/play with. He wasn't particularly bright and people started complaining about this almost immediately. We are right out in tue country and there are a fair amount of horses owners in the village. After he just replied that the horses were his and he could do as he pleased someone reported him to the RSPCA and the horses were removed. He knew who had reported him and barred them. Trouble was, quite a lot of villagers took the person's side and organised a boycott of the pub. After a few months, he had to sell up and leave the village.
dick1204@reddit
Old landlord of my local kept a horse in the back garden and would get absolutely hammered and bring the horse into the bar
rurumummy@reddit
Rugby scrum. Semi naked
Far-Concentrate-9844@reddit
A guy I used to know done a rural pub crawl on a rugby do. They’d pull up at a pub and one would go in naked and ask for a pint. Obviously get refused. Then the next would do the same. This went on until the barman would ask how many there are, and after being told 15 or so would agree to let them all in naked for 1 pint then leave. That guys mate got a call the next morning about 8am from the guy on the do asking to pick him up. All he could tell him was that he was in a forest somewhere in his dinner suit.
AndyRMullan@reddit
I'm in Scotland. Navy guy bit off an army guy's ear. Army guy bit off his nose in retaliation.
My partner who works at the pub said staff found the bits of ear/nose on the floor when mopping up 😭
sudotrin@reddit
Dunoon?
pixiemonkey@reddit
Doon the water and aff your head (well at least bits of it)...
AndyRMullan@reddit
Nope, very west up near the Highlands !
VisibleOtter@reddit
Not a rural pub, but one in the heart of East London on a Sunday night. A mate lived in Bow, and we’d go to his local for a few and a game of pool on a Sunday evening as a kind of comedown after a heavy weekend of football and drinking. We were all late teens/early 20’s at the time. So there we were in The Globe, and John takes the break on the table like a champ and pings the cue ball off the pack, straight onto the table of a bunch of locals. Beer and glass goes flying, four local ex dockers, proper East End types, covered in beer and glass. The four of us think we’re going to die here, when Eddie, the landlord and another ex docker, launches himself over the bar and says “alright gents, I’ve got this” and proceeds to clear up and smooth things over and replaces all four pints without a hint of bother. To be fair he was the size of an industrial fridge freezer and had a huge scar where he got hit by a jib hook that almost took half his stomach out, which gained him much respect locally, but the 4 lads took him at his word and we didn’t get lynched. Happy days.
Ok-Hovercraft9348@reddit
Probably the way they let us all go drinking from the age of 14 because there was nothing else to do
Smokilydokily98@reddit
My dad told me a story once of a guy doing pull ups on a wooden beam in a pub, and when he went to let go and stop, his ring got caught on a nail and completely de-gloved his finger
dible46@reddit
Heard a samish story in my local, but it was the pub goalkeeper doing puul ups on the goalposts...
resting_up@reddit
Escalating each night, inter-family fights. Each night one family would bring more people. Each night until the pub shut down (never reopened, is now flats)
FlorianTheLynx@reddit
Watched a woman fart in this Geordie guy’s pint.
He said “You fart in ma’ Whitbread?”
She said “No, I’m Tessa Sanderson”
Ba dum, tshh
SidratFlush@reddit
Oh my goodness, if you get this joke you're old.
Stefgrep66@reddit
Fatima goes to see the GP as says she's worried about looking too masculine.
Dr she says, why is my voice so deep.
Nothing to worry about, it's quite normal and many men find a deep voicec attractive.
But Dr I'm so so muscly.
Fatima your a world class athlete, you train to be fit, many women would love your body.
But Dr I'm so hairy, it's all all over my body.
Hair on a woman is perfectly normal but can be removed with treatment. Where is the hair at it's thickest.
Fatima thinks for a second
Around my bollocks!!
dible46@reddit
Fukin he'll never heard that it a loooooong time......thank you pal
SidratFlush@reddit
The user name reminds me of Steffi Graff and I don't know why that was funnier than this joke.
Acceptable-Ad1254@reddit
Kicking out time at a pub in Cornwall whilst on holiday, old guy full of cider just lays down across a few seats - landlady said he just sleeps here some nights we don’t fancy moving him!
mmm19284202@reddit
Early 1940s German politics was “completely justified” nods around the table
Yeah, I left after that.
Former_Bandicoot_769@reddit
This does not surprise me for rural Oxfordshire.
alfienoakes@reddit
Bunch of Americans turned up one lunch time. Started. Fucking. Queuing.
permalust@reddit
In fairness, Brits love a queue and hate when foreigners don't acknowledge the inherent queue system. Pubs and bars are literally the only exception. Much as I hate a queue in a bar, I'd let this slide for foreigners, who are trying, and drip disdain at a Brit doing it.
I'm Scottish and live in Kent by the way.
dible46@reddit
Had a horse in a bar once. Owner seemed to think if was normal.
J2JC@reddit
Pub in the east end of London, late ‘90s. I walk in, and see it’s a bit rough, order a pint, and notice two blokes arguing. I get my pint, and within a couple of sips, one bloke is squaring up to the other and he nuts him. The nutee has blood all over his face, and it looks like his nose is broken. No one reacts, and in my surprise at the lack of reaction, I don’t notice where the duo go, but they left. About ten minutes later, they walk back in a side door, best of mates, and order a couple more pints. Again, no one asks about anything. I finish my pint and leave, as the gig I was going to was about to start. I didn’t go back at the end of the gig.
Any-Republic-4269@reddit
Tractor stuff
Individual_Owl917@reddit
Once waiting on getting a meal cooked watched a blonde wife pull a black guy who just popped in with a mate. She disappeared and he left 1 minute after she was holding the door open to go to her room. Her hubby stayed about 10 mins and went to join them. Dont think it was planned more like opertunistic.
Arthurs-grumpa@reddit
A pub near me is on a busy road. There was an accident on it one day. The pub landlord came through the door with half a bumper (fender) and threw it on to the fire, the heat was intense. Most everyone had to go outside until it had calmed down.
A dog once shit on the floor, his wife scooped it up with a shovel and threw it onto the fire. You could hear it sizzling. There were two hikers sat at a table eating soup!
I could tell lots of stories about the place, I should write them down sometime.
Brizzledude65@reddit
The dog shit story is fucking amazing!!
seadcon@reddit
My mate won a pub pool tournament at our local at the age of 15 using the half size pool cue (the one that was only there for when you got stuck in the corner and the standard cue was too big to use).
He wore his old man's leather jacket the entire time as it made him look older. Well that's what he thought anyway. It actually made him look like a massive bellend, but details.
He beat the chef in the opening round, a local drunk called Mick in the quarter final, the captain of the Wednesday night pool league team in the semi final and then the fucking pub landlord in the final!
Ahead of every match he was an absolute nervous wreck thinking he'd be outed for being underage.
He received a half pint of fosters "tops" after each win, bought by the losing player. A moment that he also found excruciatingly tense. He requested this drink specifically, not because he was an actual bellend, but he believed that no-one underage would ever request that as the drink. Indeed.
He came away with a load of random merchandise from Carling and Guinness for winning, including a keychain he still has to this day, and a £50 bar tab that he never dared to cash in. Oh and he threw up all over himself on the walk home and had to pay to get his Dad's jacket dry cleaned.
By far the most messed up thing I've seen in a rural pub.
Stressedhumbucker@reddit
I'm going to choose to imagine that your friend also had slicked back black hair and a lollipop that he was trying to make look like a cigarette.
Icy_Significance6436@reddit
Flick comb in his back pocket...
nogeologyhere@reddit
He was a real piece of shit
JustSellOutMyFuneral@reddit
I bet it slicked back reallllll nice
UnicornInAField@reddit
I walled into a pub in Scunthorpe at 4pm on a Saturday afternoon, to find two women fighting on the pub floor. My mate, who was a local, said, "yeah it usually goes downhill from here, and you don't want to be in this pub after 9pm".
Feeling_Anteater_142@reddit
A longgg time ago, we'd been taking part in a weekend dragnet event around Kendal UK. When we were thinking about stopping and camping for the night we found a pub. We were all dehydrated and knackered and should have known better but in we went and ordered pints of beer. One of the guys decided to be a real smart arse and necked his pint in about six or seven seconds. Then he got a funny look on his face. Then he refilled the glass! Cheeky twat took it back to the bar and complained his beer was cloudy... And got a replacement.
barkley87@reddit
Someone brought a cow into a pub in Dublin. Not messed up but it struck me as odd.
serious_sleep_issues@reddit
Stopped in a local pub in the 90s heading home after a day out and they received a phone call. Barman shouts, "Is Eileen in here? Eileen Dover??" We creased up. The locals didn't seem to have any idea why. The Barman then said, "Is Eileen's brother in here? Ben? Ben Dover?". We didn't know where to look, crying with laughter. Strangers in a local pub, getting strange looks from the locals who didn't seem to have a clue.
AmorousBadger@reddit
Pub round here(rural Suffolk) got closed by the old bill after one local lad decided to try and hit another one over the head with an axe in the car park.
AdRude6514@reddit
I ran a pub in the 80's that had an old Irish man who drank a little. Each night he would come in and his dog would sleep under the seating near the central heating pipe. Most nights the man would get drunk go to the toilets outside and walk home, at closing I would more often find the dog and let him out, he never failed to get home. All the local landlords knew him.
Fuzzy_Reindeer_2770@reddit
Someone took a shit in a pint glass and got thrown out.
Stefgrep66@reddit
One night my local, which is also a bandb had a pool competition, and a couple of contractors who were renting a room for a few days put their names down. It's fair to say theyd had a few.
So game starts and there's little side bets and banter and a close black ball first shot occurs.
This contractor guy is accusing his opponent of being a cheat, and getting increasingly agitated.
The regular tells him to fuck off and matey takes a swing.
5 seconds later an entire pub is kicking the shit out of him. Like many locals the place is full of friends school mates, people who have known each others families forever, and their very protective of each other.
It was carnage.
The old bill got called, nobody saw a thing!
The only consequence was the guy ending up in a and e and the contractors got thrown out their rooms.
You'll fafo if you play silly buggers in a UK local!!
MarkedlyMark@reddit
The pub being the last one in the village and closed down. This puts all the rest into stark perspective
Jaybee021967@reddit
Three deaf guys arguing in sign language. I know they were arguing because one of them sparked out the other and one was trying to stop them fighting.
chipscheeseandbeans@reddit
I worked in a rural pub and the 2 most messed up things I saw were a) the sleazy landlord trying to snog a 13 year old pot washer and b) their policy of having waitresses scrape uneaten veg into a tub so that it could be turned into the next day’s soup.
Away-Ad4393@reddit
Country pub in the middle of nowhere and there was a darts match being played, a member of one team put a live toad in pint of the opposing teams captain.
cLWnOe8mmae7WOJi25kk@reddit
Gabriel the Toad was just thirsty, that’s all.
nemmalur@reddit
Suburban pub, and I witnessed the aftermath from outside, but it was a guy who’d been refused service, stormed out, came back and set fire to the entrance with 3 petrol bombs. Place is still closed nearly 3 years later.
Creative_Impact4522@reddit
Your Mum.
Nosedive888@reddit
Dunno if it counts as rural but me (M) and a friend with benefits (F) went for a dirty weekend in Llarnfairfechen.
We got talking to two local women around the same age as us....early 20s at the time. After about half hour of chatting, they asked if they could come back to the cottage we were staying at, for some fun.
Taken aback, I looked at my fwb with a look that said "please say yes!" But ultimately she said "no thanks"
Silver-Advance5276@reddit
The small boozer next to me has a tiny little room off the bar with a pool table, went through one time and the barmaid was lying on the table and a guy was eating her cunt out.
TumblyBump@reddit
Pub in mid-Devon, August 2003. Midsummer lunchtime. Walked in, empty. Should be busy, rammed with holidaymakers.
Plates of food and half-finished drinks on the tables. Closer inspection and the plates of food were interwoven with human hair. Tried to find someone having walked round the pub and even going into the kitchen. Whole place was deserted.
Very weird!
Elfynnn84@reddit
I didn’t actually witness this, but I have heard the story told from so many people who did see it, or had first hand accounts, it became a local legend and is possibly partly urban myth at this point:
Short version, young guys in their 20s drinking in village pub. One comes out to find his mate shagging his mum. They get into a fight… angry mate shoves over the MILF banger and he cracks his head on a wall, later dies from the injury. Angry mate gets sent down for man slaughter.
I’m certain it happened. Far too many people claim to have been there or insist they can verify it for it to be a total fabrication.
So, yeah… in my local rural pub, literal murder is the answer.
jeremybeadlesfingers@reddit
Pick one.
RealisticTeaching557@reddit
Didn’t realise people were so pedantic. Murder as a legal term is distinct from manslaughter, obviously but the definition of murder is to kill someone, that’s all they meant.
Efficient_Hyena_7476@reddit
They said literal murder.
RealisticTeaching557@reddit
Again, a common colloquialism. Pedants.
Goosepond01@reddit
Yeah and once again people often use it to describe someone else being killed, regardless of the nuances of the situation.
him adding literal to it really doesn't change anything
generichandel@reddit
You just said it was manslaughter though?
SonnyMack@reddit
But mans laughter rather than man slaughter
Elfynnn84@reddit
Alright - Jeeze.
The nit-picking here is mad. Good old Reddit.
generichandel@reddit
Didn't mean to upset, sorry.
OkFlow1178@reddit
“Literal murder” was clearly an accident so it literally manslaughter
sunheadeddeity@reddit
Not me but my father. He stopped for a pint in Hollywood Co. Wicklow on the way home. A mountainy man came in - old bachelor farmers left behind by the pace of change in 1980s Ireland. Nothing unusual about that, except this lad.was wearing a tie.
Dad realised why when he took the tie off, put the loop around his arm, the free end around his neck, and used it as a pulley to get the pint to his mouth. The shakes were too severe otherwise.
steelsey@reddit
I just turned up to work to let the other manager go and he said I’ve just refused a girl any more drink because she’s a bit pissed and kept crying, after being told no she walked out the pub left all her stuff and walked 15 ft to the train station, within minutes the station was shut down because she’d threw herself in front of the train, lost a finger and broke a leg
peeiayz@reddit
A wife walking in the pub door and launching a sunday roast at her husband 😂 Apparently he'd missed 1 too many dinners.
The whole pub cheered and gave her a round of applause 🤣
BraveLordWilloughby@reddit
Drunk bloke shat himself. His dog shat on the floor less than 60 seconds later.
Also a lad I know, would've been maybe 30 at the time, off his nut on gurners. Lent on the pool table, barely able to hold himself up. His trousers then fell down revealing shit all in his pants and down his legs
Express-Training5428@reddit
Two American male hikers came in and the whole place went quiet. Even 2 guys playing chess stopped and looked.
They left with a warning ringing in their ears... "Stay off t'moors..".
ceestars@reddit
Rented a house near the Dorset coast for a week over new years about 25 years ago. Bunch of us around 30 year olds. On NYE itself we walked to the nearby village pub. Got in there and it got pretty quiet when we walked in other than Radio 1 on an old tinny radio.
We sat at a spare table and realised that we were pretty much the only ones talking (we'd had a few before venturing out), then that most of the males were wearing long dresses, as were the females. It seemed all eyes in there were on us out-of-towners.
We finished our drinks sharpish and retreated. Walked down to the sea and got chatting to a local walking his dog who told us that the dress thing was a local tradition (religion?), and that it was, indeed, all a bit weird.
IkeTurn@reddit
That time two yanks turned up, we told them not to go down a certain path, but would they listen?
BountyBobIsBack@reddit
Perhaps the rain saved them
Sxn747Strangers@reddit
I heard a story from an ex-friend about something from the 70’s I think.
They were a group in a pub and there was a petite young thing who had been moving around the pub and looked like butter wouldn’t melt and the group of blokes were all fancying her.
After a while she randomly said something like,”get a load of this fellas”, she put a wine bottle on the floor and squatted down on it right in front of them and it just disappeared and they all felt really dejected.
It’s the language that was used to tell it to me if you’re triggered by it.
Efficient_Hyena_7476@reddit
I was at a canal side pub with some mates. Went in to use the toilet and returned to find my mates backing away from our table. An angry swan was standing on the table, hissing, flapping wings, with my half finished pint behind him/her. I ran over in a rage, yelling, hoping to scare the swan off. Swan didn't budge, just made loads of honking type noises, so I punched them in the face. Retrospectively shat myself afterwards, realising how vicious they are.
Mates called me "swan slugger" for ages afterwards. In my defence, I'm vegan and assaulting wildfowl is out of character.
Temporary_Ebb9486@reddit
Alright Geeser
alex21dragons@reddit
As a kid we stayed in a village in the North East called St John's Chapel. We came back from a day trip to find a fairly vicious brawl spilling out into the pub car park. The landlord just locked the door and everyone carried on drinking inside. No sign of the police at any point. The people fighting just went their separate ways.
misskittygirl13@reddit
The landlord using the road out front as a air strip.
Zestyclose_Tax8218@reddit
My dad and his friends used to bring back animals from hunting, rabbits deer etc. gut and clean them in the pub sink and cook them for the regulars.
Hollyhop_Drive@reddit
Small weir in a stream. Four cygnets stuck on the lower part and unable to get up, mum and dad freaking out on the upper bit.
Some absolute hero stood on the ridge, grabbing the cygnets one by one with his free hand, fending off the adult swans with his other arm, pint still in hand. Entire pub emptied out, cheering him on.
Eventually, the cygnets were saved, swan family reunited, and not a drop of pint spilled. I left at this point, but I doubt that guy had to pay for another drink the rest of the afternoon/evening. What a hero.
Due-Parsley953@reddit
A guy in his 60s and his dad, who was in his 80s and also in a wheelchair, exchanging punches over a woman who was in her 20s, and by the looks of it, had a hugely massive crack or smack habit.
Ok_Pay_2582@reddit
Some years ago I went to the Gower coast for a short holiday with friends, on the Saturday, myself and the rest of the blokes went to a pub up the hill for a few beers and to watch the football, this pub was set on a slope which allowed you a 360 degree view as well as looking down to the road below.
As we were stood outside, a what I can only assume to be a farmer appeared with 2 sheep that he had on leads, he stopped, looked up at us and then procedded to showcase these sheep and then promptly turned around and then disappeared never to be seen again, myself and friends all looked at each other as if to say" What the hell was that all about" We still talk about when we meet up.
AlterEdward@reddit
The biggest coke head hangout I've known was a a charming thatched pub in a 500 year old village. All rich kids connected to farming or land who had fuck all else to do.
Jamical70@reddit
Yep. I had a pub in a small village outside of Northampton. Three quarters of my regulars were Coke heads. Early 20s to 60 year olds. I'm from South East London originally and used to seeing lots of drugs but that pub was insane for it.
harpajeff@reddit
Who’s your dad, Aldridge Prior the Hopeless Liar?
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/viz/images/8/84/Prior.jpeg/revision/latest?cb=20200529165604
Relevant-Bullfrog215@reddit
My dad was there for this not me, but: There was a guy used to come into the pub on Fridays, alway brought his ferrets with him. Sometimes as a party trick he'd put a couple inside his shirt and let them run around under there. One day he's reached in to pull one of them out, and it's bitten him and latched onto his finger in a death grip. He's screaming, shaking it around like mad trying to let it go. It's not letting go. Finally with a roar he grabbed its body to pull it away and basically pulled its whole head off. Blood everywhere, women screaming. He was barred, and a new rule was brought in - no more ferrets in the pub.
FlorianTheLynx@reddit
I have ferrets. You might pull a few teeth out this way but you’re not going to pull a ferret’s head off.
Relevant-Bullfrog215@reddit
Whatever the logistics of it, a guy pulled a ferrets head off in the pub.
Crunchie64@reddit
The word “basically” was doing a lot of work there, unless he was thinking of leeches.
prickly_pink_penguin@reddit
My parents moved to a new sleepy village. Nice quiet evening had police sirens and blue lights fill the air. It had all kicked off down the pub, turned out there was much extra curricular shagging going on involving about half the village.
RaedwaldRex@reddit
Bloke came out of the loo with a turd in a pint glass put it on the bar and said to the barmaid "there you are love, drink that" then walked out.
Foundation_Wrong@reddit
We joined a pub quiz night. One round they passed around a small sack with a heavy object and you had to identify it by feel alone. It was a popular pub in a holiday area, most of the teams were visiting like us. The guesses were for a special spanner of some sort. The quiz master started making jokes about the quiz being a way for him and a couple of his mates to make fun of the crockles. The mystery object had to be correctly identified to win. It was a castration device. Only his mate identified it correctly, so his mate won the pot of entrance money. The rest of us were not happy.
Foreign_Emu_7943@reddit
You must mean grockles
Foundation_Wrong@reddit
Indeed! Damn spell check 😂
ERTCF53@reddit
Bar fight that ended up with an arm through the window lots of blood And an ambulance called, that was at the Station Inn at Ribblehead.
ozzieowl@reddit
I was in a bar in the middle of nowhere near Dartmoor and a local came in killing himself laughing. One of the regulars had gone outside to use the phone box and now couldn’t figure out how to get out. So we all trooped outside and pissed ourselves laughing watching a very drunk man try to figure out where the door was. Took him far too long.
Green-Dragon-14@reddit
It was a rural night club in the back arse of beyond in Ireland. A farmer got kicked out (he stank of slurry) he came back & sprayed the club with a tank full of shite.
RaconBang@reddit
Where was that, The Rag?
TheBoneIdler@reddit
That was a shit night out ... 💩
Hamsternoir@reddit
The one that I really do want to try and forget is a local lad who was a 23 year old version of the Giant Haystack had a very twisted sense of humour curling one out into a pint of Guinness (he at least had the decency to do it outside), we didn't believe him obviously as it was just too far for anyone to do it.
It didn't stop us looking on in shock as one unsuspecting guy who'd come back from having a piss drank it until said turd appeared out of the depths like a deep brown leviathan returning from the depths.
There's plenty that goes on after hours but nothing quite compares to that.
Haunting_Cell_8876@reddit
A pig being killed and butchered.
SidratFlush@reddit
Freshest BBQ ever?
Opinion87@reddit
My little village pub at the time had a meat raffle every Sunday. Always a lively affair.
Itsmeladyt79@reddit
I grew up in a pub, one late night in our rural pub, after hours, one of the locals come into the pub with a shotgun and chased the barmaid because she had refused a date with him.
We had been on holiday but arrived back just before closing and I was still up in the lounge of the pub with my parents and grand parents and few other locals.
The barmaid ran through the kitchen to the function room and hide under the bar.
My dad chased him into the kitchen got the gun off him and pinned him on the floor of the kitchen, my granddad was in the phone to the police and my mother was protecting me, I was 7.
Shackled-Zombie@reddit
I saw some guy get kicked out for ‘nothing’ then ask Reddit if they could sue the pub.
Ornery-Assignment-42@reddit
Not that messed up but the only thing I can think of.
Good friend of mine sat at a table with a few other mates and a couple, a woman and a man we didn’t know that well.
We’re in a band together and this is on a pub gig before we play.
He got up to use the gents, uncharacteristically leaving his phone on the table. Phone rings and the woman we didn’t know that well just picks it up for some reason. She says “ no he’s not here you’ll have to call him back “
Turns out it was my mates wife who is very suspicious, possessive and tends towards jealousy.
Try as he did, he wasn’t able to explain why a woman he barely knew answered his phone. He was a completely faithful husband. I never once have seen him flirt or even look at another woman, even now that they aren’t together.
The call wasn’t the reason but it kicked off a lot of unpleasantness that eventually led to their separation.
Toc13s@reddit
It feels like this is crying out for a "Your mum" 😃
GlamorganTestesWard@reddit
Chapeau, Mon brave, chapeau 🎩
Angry-Prawn@reddit
I walked in and this table of 85 year old locals gave me a bit of a mean look but then I had a couple of pints and left and it was fine. Close call.
Peng_Terry@reddit
Smoking. In the beer garden!!
Huge_Horse_8945@reddit
One time I came back to the table and was like "where's my pint?"
My friends tell me that all the time of me going to the toilet for a line and a pee, the local nut case got into an argument with another chap. His girlfriend ran to his aid, grabbed my pint, emptied it on the carpet and tried to glass the guy. Nothing happened other than the stupid bitch made an arse of herself and I had to buy another pint.
SnooDonuts6494@reddit
What exactly do you mean by "messed up"?
I've been to thousands. I've never seen any serious violence, if that's what you mean. Nothing more than a couple of punches and someone kicked out.
qualityvote2@reddit
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