How do you make friends as an expat if they keep leaving?

Posted by Uncle_Richard98@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 43 comments

I moved to north of Europe a few years ago, I made a ton of friends (mostly others expats because it’s very difficult to make real friends with the locals, they already have their own social circles and barely make deep connections with expats) but half of my friends already left the country and those who still are here are planning to leave too in the near future.

Most of them are leaving for lifestyle reasons (not because of visa issues). They realised after living years here that they can’t stand living in a cold country with miserable weather and even if the weather was not a problem they simply don’t like the lifestyle that this region of the world has, apart from others issues , so they are either moving back to their home countries or moving to more warm less developed countries.

My question is, how do you make and keep friendships if they keep leaving after a few months / years? I just found out a friend of mine is leaving this country for good in just one week. If I try to make friends with the locals here they simply ignore me or our relationship will be very superficial and they don’t allow me to deepen it (believe me I tried).

For the same reasons mentioned above I also don’t plan to stay here much longer because apart from the miserable weather, what’s the point of keeping living in a country if all your friends will eventually leave too?

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Jinniblack@reddit

If you're going to stay in the expat community, make friends with people who've married a local. Except for one whose husband died (40 years later), they're usually permanent in my experience. Also where I am there are a subset of locals who go to 'international' events looking for foreign friends.

Transience, however, is a fact of life. I'm from NYC, and people come and go all the time. Next, I was in LA, and of the friends I made, more than half left. I think expat life is no different.

(And I have to say that IME Covid sped this up everywhere.)

ibitmylip@reddit

agree 100%, transience is a major part of living in big/international cities, and covid really threw a wrench into everything

Philip3197@reddit

expats by definition leave after some time, immigrants ....

Uncle_Richard98@reddit (OP)

I tried to use the word immigrants instead but the post was not approved, apparently this sub has filters to automatically remove posts with the word immigrant…

Chinacat_Sunflower72@reddit

I read expats are white Americans moving out of the USA; immigrants are people of color moving into the USA. Sad, but usually pretty true.

sread2018@reddit

Expat typically returns to their home country. Immigrants...immigrate to a new country

Typically returns to their home country? I thought the whole point of this was to leave the USA and create a life elsewhere. I actually know only 3 expats, but all 3 are surely not returning except a vacation now and then.. got married, have citizenship, etc.

I think you’re thinking of r/amerexit

this sub (r/expats) is for people from all over

Thanks for clarifying. I was just repeating what I’d read elsewhere so didn’t really know the proper terminology.

lluluna@reddit

They are immigrants, not expats.

Expats are posted to a different country for work or study, hence the word "expatriate".

NevadaCFI@reddit

I was an expat from 2002 to 2015 in Czechia, UAE, Georgia, and briefly in Thailand and New Zealand. I have since returned to my home country (USA). If you are moving permanently, you are not an expat.

Then they are immigrants. The country has nothing to do with it but employment contracts for 1-5 years are popular fir countries like United Kingdom, USA and Australia.

Nope, expat means posted to a different country to work or study, hence the word "expatriate".

It has nothing to do with race and origin country. There are Asian expats in Europe; British expats in Africa etc.

retrosenescent@reddit

My impression was always that expat implied a transience (intend to go back at some point), whereas immigration implies permanence - plan to stay.

DifferentWindow1436@reddit

I don't care for that debate. It's sort of political. If you are going to post on an expats sub, just use the word.

I have been in Japan for over 20 years and do not consider myself an immigrant. Why?

I have zero intention of pursuing Japanese citizenship
I have moved back to the US 2x in the past 25 years and if the opportunity was right would consider it again
As above suggests, I do not need or have to live in Japan; I have optionality
I plan to split time b/t the two countries when I retire in several years and have a house I could move right into

Which is not to say I don't love Japan. But I am in a "weird" niche international lifestyle and expat fits better IMO.

Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit

Exactly.

For this reason I hate the word "expat" like it sets us above other immigrants. 🤨

Nah. I'm an immigrant. I dont like in my home country and dont plan to return in the foreseeable future. Unfortunately their no better subreddit for such.

Aol_awaymessage@reddit

The terms only matter to who your audience is. To people from the country you moved FROM- you expatriated, so they can call you an expat, and you can consider yourself an expat. To the people in the country you moved TO- you’re an immigrant, and you can also consider yourself an immigrant. You’re both: you’re an expat AND an immigrant.

FreeFortuna@reddit

Sad that we’ll have to start getting around censors with “imm!grant” like we’re kids on TikTok trying to talk about grape or unaliving.

PleasedNacho@reddit

Immigrants also leave

temmoku@reddit

On the bright side, the new ones haven't heard all your stories already/s

On the bright side, it's better than getting to the age where all your friends are dying /s

Guess I'm a glass half full person /s

HVP2019@reddit

I can’t say about experiences of expats trying to befriend expats with understanding that any one of them can leave at any moment.

I am an immigrant. I came here to stay. I got to know my neighbors. About 1/3 of my neighbors are locals the rest are immigrants. Sure occasionally people on our street sell their houses and move out but this doesn’t happen very often. I lived on my street for 20 years.

When we became parents our social circle included a lot of other parents from school and kids’ sports/theater ( also locals and immigrants)

Tennis or other sports was a great tool to find friends. As we get older we socialize less with friends and spend more time with our adult kids and their partners.

I guess, it is important to find people who are more likely to stay

And it is equally important for you to stay put long term .

As I said I lived on the same street for 20 years before moving to another city in the same host country.

Regular_Fruit_2907@reddit

That's why they are expats they left from their own country and are somewhere temporary, it's a certainty they are going to leave again. So why are you wanting to make friends if your also leaving. Lol they aren't your friends they are casual acquaintances.

SicParvisMagnaaa@reddit

That's simply the tradeoff.

If you aren't a native in the language, deep-bonding with locals is going to be super hard regardless of effort. You either have to find the locals with an international orientation who have a strong desire to consistently speak in English with you or simply accept your primary friendships being with the revolving door that's the expat community.

There is no perfect balance without extreme luck, a lot of it is structural and out of your control.

Catcher_Thelonious@reddit

Make new friends, eh?

Proof_Mycologist_220@reddit

Honestly, why do we even need friends? When I occasionally reach out to my middle school, high school, and university friends back in my home country, they're all busy raising kids, working, and improving themselves, so even though they don't live that far apart, they barely see each other.

Fair-Search-2324@reddit

Jez man

Psyop?

Master_External5733@reddit

Why would locals invest in you? As you say yourself, most ex-pats are cycling through the country for a few years. Locals aren’t going to expand their circles to accommodate somebody who’s only going to be around for a few years.

Also, do you really think locals want to befriend people who are constantly moaning about the weather and the lifestyle. Locals in Northern Europe know that the weather isn’t great. We just get on with it. Lifestyle isn’t an issue for us as we surrounded by our nearest and dearest. Last thing we want to do is listening to outsiders whinging about our country.

Best way I found to deal with that is to do the same and leave

ElSuroGato247@reddit

Northern Europeans are some of the hardest folks to befriend, a lot of expats leave because they just can’t find a community.

Necessary_Quit_3542@reddit

Personally I learnt to deal with solitude (I have no family, no friends, no partner).