Feeling guilty and complicated about wanting to go back to the US
Posted by Stock_Ad4089@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 46 comments
TLDR: I want to move back to the States, I feel ungrateful and worried I'm being naive.
I (25F) haven't been back to the States in five years. I moved to Europe for school, then got a teaching job out here. I've lived in Poland and the UK, currently living in Warsaw. Quality of life here feels much better, but I feel like the price I'm paying is community and career growth.
Pros of staying:
•I make $2000 a month and can afford to live alone.
•My immediate family lives in the UK and likely will forever. It's cheap and quick to visit them.
•Free healthcare, amazing public transportation, travel
•Student loan payment is $0 due to foreign income exemption
•Moderate cost of living
•I don't really have family or friends in the States anymore (left a high demand religion and lost most as a result). I don't feel homesick for specific people which is nice.
Cons:
•So hard to make friends here. I have amazing coworkers workers and meet lovely people from all over the world. But I don't have a community or friend group
•Financially I have very little savings, what I do have in Polish zlotys is nothing in USD.
•I am stuck in my career. Teaching is pretty much all I can do here.
•The drain of living in a country that's not my home, with a very difficult language, is slowly taking it's toll.
•I want to go to law school, I can only do that in the States. Unless I want to get another European bachelors degree, but I have a Master's so I don't want to do that and commit to practicing European law.
•I'm politically progressive and would like to be politically active, involved in my community, volunteer, etc. I don't really have those options here. Not at all in the same way.
I feel a bit silly since so so many people my age are struggling financially back home, I know the job market is awful. I'm just so lonely and I feel stuck. Would love to know if anyone's moved back lately, and what it's like?
BrandyGayle613@reddit
🙋♀️ American here! As a woman, I implore you not to come back here. At least for now. It's unsafe for women here, especially young women. Have you considered Canada, at least for the time being?
exsnakecharmer@reddit
The US is one of the safest countries in the world for women. Please don’t use hyperbole to try to make some sort of point, it’s incredibly offensive.
BrandyGayle613@reddit
What utter BS. The US didn't even make the list. It's getting more unsafe for women here by the day. Any simple-minded, minimal effort research could have told you that. I think your ignorance is far more offensive. If you aren't ignorant, you have an agenda. Maga?
exsnakecharmer@reddit
I’m not American, but I’ve lived all over the world (and I am a woman). Americans and their theatrics - I swear to god.
How, pray tell, are things unsafe for women (more than any other western country) on a day-to-day basis?
BrandyGayle613@reddit
Lol...you aren't American but you know what it's like to live in America... as a woman? I detect masculine energy from you for some reason. I thought you were maga-like because of your ignorance, not because I disagreed with you.(Maga doesn't like to read).What you don't seem to understand is that you can't dispute the facts, whether you like those facts or not. All it would take is a simple google search, on your part. But that would contradict your narrative, wouldn't it?
exsnakecharmer@reddit
I’m a New Zealand woman who lived in the States for many years. Would you like to look up the violence rates against women in NZ? You’d find similar stats.
In fact, here’s an article link to help you along
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
Thank you for your common sense. The idea of the country being “unsafe for women” is so completely ridiculous. This person obviously has not lived any place where women are *actually* unsafe.
BrandyGayle613@reddit
Google is free, and it can be fun! 🫡
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): Approximately 41% of US women have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. The lethality of IPV is heavily compounded by the prevalence of firearms.
Maternal and Reproductive Health: Maternal mortality rates have risen. Health and legal risks are deeply fragmented by geography; the state you live in dictates your access to reproductive healthcare and legal protections against workplace discrimination or domestic abuse.
Violent Crime: Women in the US are significantly more likely to be killed with a gun compared to women in other high-income nations, with Black and Hispanic women experiencing disproportionately higher rates of gun homicide.
Public and Digital Safety: Over two-thirds of US women report feeling afraid to walk alone at night. Additionally, technology-facilitated abuse—such as online harassment, doxing, and non-consensual AI-generated imagery—presents growing, real-world dangers.
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
🤣😂🤣 Yeah Google those stats for many other countries. Oh wait, you can’t actually get that info. THEIR GOVERNMENTS DON’T EVEN COLLECT IT. Have some conversations with some folks who work in countries where women are really at risk. You just honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. U.S. *is not* unsafe for women. Women are a lot safer, and freer, in the U.S. than they are in many other countries.
BrandyGayle613@reddit
Lol...you are straight up lying, troll.
lluluna@reddit
Where do you even get this idea from? Have you been to other countries in the world except vacationing in 1 or 2 European CITIES.
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
On what are you basing the idea that “so so many people” your age are struggling financially in the U.S.? I ask because - yes, many are struggling, but I work for a Big4 firm and I am surrounded all day every day by literally dozens and dozens of young people in their 20s making very good salaries. And it is the same for every big company. There are literally thousands of young people making $4,000+ net every month straight of out of college. It’s not like everyone in the U.S. is poor and hopeless. Not even close. Unless, of course, you’re getting your facts from Reddit.
Second, it makes literally zero sense to feel guilt about wanting to come back. This is the second reason I think you’re spending too much time on Reddit. The sentiment on Reddit in general is hatred towards and pessimism about America. A lot of people feel angry about the politics and unsettled about the economy, and so to dispel this stress they go online and seek out a likeminded community of people to complain about how the U.S. is a third world nation. You really will do best to ignore this community and live your life in the real world.
If your goal is to be a lawyer and you don’t want to do European law…well then logic would dictate you need to come home. I promise there is always be plenty of work for lawyers. Most of the work they have now they created for themselves. They are masters at creating a need to fill.
BrandyGayle613@reddit
It seems like you spend a lot of time on Reddit advising other people not to take advice from Reddit.
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
Yep.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
So currently you work as a teacher and this will unlikely change
You say that quality of life feels better in Poland
This means that you feel that your quality of life is better as a teacher working in Poland, slowly learning language, slowly going towards citizenship, slowly earning your Polish pension.
I moved from Eastern Europe to US in your age with little English, and useless degree.
I also believed than the quality of my life abroad was better even though learning language was hard, I had no friends, only my local partner, I was working random low paying job, I never managed to make a career. But we raised kids, lived like everyone else was living in US. I am still in US, retired now, I will die here. My life is still better than it would had been if I were to remain in Europe.
So is your life better or not? And if it isn’t, don’t fool yourself that it is. It feels that you adopted a narrative that quality of life is better in Europe instead of making up your own mind.
Anyway.
Poland is OK, and you will be perfectly OK to continue living there and working as a teacher. I believe it was a mistake to move to Poland, but now that you have been living in Poland for some time I believe it will be pointless to move back.
You are moving between countries that are similar enough so they have equal amount of positives and negatives
ChetoChompipe@reddit
Reddit romanticizes Europe a lot. Go to the us. It is still an excellent country to live in. I’ve been in Germany 15 years and after all this time I see how Europe has gone down hill, and it will get worse.
Gunzhard22@reddit
The world is going down hill. But the US is certainly leading the charge...
lluluna@reddit
Never studied history huh to claim that the world is going down hill. Take a look at how's life of an average person just100 years ago please...
Gunzhard22@reddit
You don't need to look that far back dear, wealth inequality, the shrinking middle class, rising cost of living and imminent climate crisis are all getting worse... Better than 100 years ago? For many things yes, but that doesn't mean they aren't getting worse from a short while ago.
Content_Back2908@reddit
As a Canadian planning on living and becoming a citizen, maybe it’s best to encourage leftist to stay in Europe.
ibitmylip@reddit
where are you planning to become a citizen?
ibitmylip@reddit
when was the last time you lived in the U.S.?
Gunzhard22@reddit
Well the US has changed drastically in a very short time. Nobody is saving money here as the cost of living has skyrocketed. We're starting to see very troubling home foreclosure numbers and more people are living off credit and personal loans than ever.
Poland might not be the right fit, but the US is a bit scary now, especially for women and brown people. We're losing talent to other countries on a scale never seen before.
Stock_Ad4089@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this. Seriously.
filmAF@reddit
may be a stupid question, but have you considered krakow or gdansk? i like warsaw a lot. but gdansk felt cooler to me.
what are the consequences of leaving? you said your family lives in the UK. do you have only US citizenship?
as others have mentioned, financial difficulties are very real rn in the US. i read recently that the top 10% account for 50% of consumer spending. the QOL in europe is much more appealing to me. but i totally understand wanting to build and feel a part of a community. and the challenges of doing that in a foreign country, especially when you are young. what about the UK?
Stock_Ad4089@reddit (OP)
I actually lived in Krakow for three years! Absolutely loved it, just felt small. Also love Gdańsk. I only have US citizenship, I'm currently waiting for my karta pobytu renewal which would give me three years of Polish residency. I went to the UK for my Master's and it's great there, but I ultimately came back to Poland because the UK job market is not friendly to Americans on temporary visas.
filmAF@reddit
i don't personally care for the UK these days. last time i was in london, it felt way too much like NYC.
i hear you on krakow. it is small. even warsaw felt small to me. but i lived most of my life in LA before leaving the states. i don't envy your position. but know, as i'm sure others have said, that you can change your mind. nothing is permanent. so even if you go to the US, and hate it, you can always leave again. good luck. and if you see my polish ex girlfriend in warsaw say czesc!
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
So currently you work as a teacher and this will unlikely change
You say that quality of life feels better in Poland
This means that you feel that your quality of life is better as a teacher working in Poland, slowly learning language, slowly going towards citizenship, slowly earning your Polish pension.
I moved from Eastern Europe to US in your age with little English, and useless degree.
I also believed than the quality of my life abroad was better even though learning language was hard, I had no friends, only my local partner, I was working random low paying job, I never managed to make a career. But we were raising kids and living like everyone else was living in US. I am still in US. My life is still better than it would had been if I were to remain in Europe.
So is your life better or not? And if it isn’t, don’t full yourself that it is simply because you adopted a narrative that quality of life is better in Europe instead of making up your own mind.
Anyway.
Poland is OK, and you will be perfectly OK to continue living there and working as a teacher. I believe it was a mistake to move to Poland, but now that you have been living in Poland for some time I believe it will be pointless to move back.
You are moving between countries that are similar enough so they have equal amount of positives and negatives.
gregd303@reddit
Hi , I'm a Brit living in Poland (Krakow). I'm at a different life stage as I'm older at 51 but can understand the struggles with the language and the barriers to making friends in Poland. I would have thought Warsaw would be slightly easier / more international so to speak, but the poles can come across cold, and it's hard to make friends. I was fortunate in the beginning here where I latched onto a hobby group and they included me in things. But still, after 11 years here I made no real progress with the language and that is a daily frustration (and barrier to opening conversations, feeling integrated). I love the safety aspect of here , it's clean, and things work especially public transport etc , but I would have left maybe 5 years ago when I was feeling like I was done and I could have more of a life in the UK. The only reason that hasn't happened is because my EU partner would need a visa for living and working in the UK, which is very costly. We have a daughter in school here and live is kind of fine, but I can understand how you might feel you have better opportunities back in the States. Do you have right to stay in the UK? Maybe it's not as s far as a leap back and you have your family there. Otherwise like us here it's just one of those questions that doesn't really answer itself without it being played out. On the positives with Poland it's grown so much in the time I've been here and I can't see it stopping. It does feel kind of good to feel that and as things improve whereas UK and US seem to be on the slide.
ibitmylip@reddit
i read your other comments about your current immigration situation and having to start over, etc
i think going to law school in the U.S. is a fine idea. there is a lot to do before the actual law school starts (it takes about a year or two from LSAT to law school) and there’s nothing stopping you from starting to prepare.
if i were in your shoes, I would start to study for the LSAT, register to take the LSAT l, and then plan a trip to the U.S. that centers on taking the LSAT.
make sure to arrive in the U.S. at least a week before the actual exam so you can acclimate, get over jet lag, and do well on your test (bring foam earplugs for the actual test).
once your get your test results, you will be able to start applying to schools. I think having overseas and teaching experience will make you an attractive law school candidate.
those are actionable steps that you can take now in order to at least give yourself options for the future (and maybe feel a bit less stuck).
Stock_Ad4089@reddit (OP)
Thank you! I've been studying for the LSAT for about a year and will take it in Poland in August and September then apply for the 2027 school year. Even though it's only a year and a few months away, which will fly by, I'm still tempted to move back earlier. Thank you!
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
This is a fine answer. r/expats biases toward not returning to the US. OP is not happy and has no career prospects where she is. Moving is rational.
lluluna@reddit
At some point in life, you have to accept that every decision comes at a cost and you need to figure out what you are willing to sacrifice in order to get what you want.
So take a good look at all your goals in life, question why you have them in the first place to seduce if they are worth the sacrifice. Things will become much clearer from then on.
Polardragon44@reddit
I feel Like this isn't the forum to ask because there's a lot of doomerism here versus other subreddits because people are self-selecting.
There are still a lot of opportunities in the US I would start gearing up for law school. Choosing what works for you choosing a career path.
You can always visit the US the towns you're considering and feel it out for yourself. Find a cheap ticket one day and see it for yourself instead of taking people's comments on Reddit.
Tardislass@reddit
If you still have US residency and can go to a good US law school I would go for it. While the US is not at its best now, neither is Europe and the political fallout in Germany, UK and France will be massive. All current leaders who have worse polling than Trump and whose right wing parties are becoming more popular.
Europe will be facing the same challenges and all the social benefits are going to be either curtailed or changed based on the population decrease. Might as well get your law degree in the IS while you can and then decide where that degree will take you. The future of Europe is very much at a crossroads and I can see the US electing a more liberal president while Europe goes back to the conservative anti immigration parties. Swings and roundabouts.
Far_Establishment999@reddit
It's a tough one. We left the US for Canada in 2020, and are moving back in a few months. Family is a big part of it. But it's been really difficult to make meaningful friends. As similar as the two countries are, we're outsiders in spite of big efforts to fit in. The weather too.
Where we're going back to in the US is relatively progressive. We were there during the first term, and have been back at least once per year since. No doubt, it's worse than it's been in my living memory (old Gen X).
Life on paper in our new city is better, but it's not home. Part of me doesn't want to cede to the narrow minded, selfish people that are in power in the US. My current feeling is that it's as much my home as theirs, and I'd rather be a physical reminder to them of that fact. I might adjust my opinion once again, but my entire life has been making the best decision in front of me, and they've never been 100%.
wapera@reddit
American here (currently in France for my masters) I think your feelings are so valid and I’m not trying to invalidate that. Your reasons too.
But if you want to return home I think it’s best to wait just a few short years until hopefully the situation improves. Sadly the financial situation in the states is really really hard right now. Grocieries. Gas. The job market is not great at all one of the worst times for job seekers. I don’t think housing is any better
carnivorousdrew@reddit
I grew up in Europe and lived in the US. Quality of life is much better in the US with a good job than in Europe with the same job.
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
If you can go to law school, you'd be set financially. There are so many directions a law degree can take you. And we need active progressives! So I hope you findfa way to return. Good luck.
Arturosito@reddit
As a Latino man, when I visited Poland and stayed there for a month, I made a lot of expat friends, but also Polish. Mostly women. I think Polish men are like NPCs. I don't know if that's what you're experiencing because you're a woman. But I honestly don't see a better social life in the USA (where I've also lived for 2 years), especially if you don't have a family and friends there.
You don't mention what you do for a living.
There are some under the radar EU countries that are actively hiring a lot of people for different things. Like Malta.
exsnakecharmer@reddit
She mentioned a couple of times that she teaches English.
ibitmylip@reddit
how are men in Poland like non-player characters?
Carrie_8638@reddit
I don’t want to add to the anti American doomerism that is already rampant in the comments, but if I were you, I wouldn’t hurry to go back to the US right now, considering the political and economic situation there. That is not to say that you shouldn’t go back ever, but I think it would be more prudent to wait out until things get better (or abort your plan if they change for worse). But I totally understand what you feel. I am a European living in another European country and on paper everything is great - I have a stable job, pretty low cost of living etc. But I have no community and no career prospects. So feel free to DM me if you ever need to rant:)
Adventurous-Elk-1457@reddit
As a born-and-raised Varsovian, I could “adopt” you into my group of friends. I already did that with my Turkish and Mexican friends that were struggling with making other Polish friends. At least, as long as you don't mind hanging out with predominantly guys
sunrise90@reddit
We moved back summer of 2024 with our baby to be closer to family, basically immediately knew it was a mistake. Election just cemented it lol. It’s not the same place it was when we were growing up (I’m assuming your age but you’re an adult at least.)
Can you take a longer break from your life in the UK without giving it up? Can you go to the US for like… 2 months? Rent out your flat and experience life in the states as it is right now without committing? That’s what I would do.
Nowhere is perfect, but the overall tone here right now, which I think has been pretty pervasive since around… 2016, is rough. People are wound so tight and so anxious about everything. Drivers are nuts, people are just on edge. I LOVE my home here and I love my city and I’m still 100% sure that leaving for good is the right thing to do.
Stock_Ad4089@reddit (OP)
Thank you! The political situation and cost of living are what's holding me back most 🫠
I didn't consider moving back for a couple months! The only problem is my immigration situation in Warsaw where I'm living at the moment. If I decided to move back, or to another European country, my immigration processes would start all over. Pain in the ass but not the end of the world I suppose.
Also a good reminder that I can always come back haha, I don't know why it feels like I have to indefinitely commit to one or the other. Thanks!