Seriously, you're not insane! It's so much harder than people let on trying to teach yourself to program without other people around. More than half the problem is just having to figure out how to make something work, without a single other human on Earth being able to conceptually understand what excited you or made you furious or confused about it.

The odd thing is that programming seems like the most solitary thing, but there's a massive social component that usually provides huge gains. Discussing code casually over a couple beers, hearing about someone else's solution, seeing their techniques, sharing a "oh I figured it out" victory, and even realizing you aren't the only one stuck.

When the only people around don't understand a variable from a function, your own knowledge can feel like this completely abstract invisible language you're learning all by yourself.

Actually, in all honesty, just feeling this angry and frustrated is probably a good thing. Most people quit way before then.