What outcomes are considered likely in long term disappearances?
Posted by ahumanduck@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 202 comments
My cousin (who was like a brother to me) disappeared nearly 7 years ago in the UK, and I still think about the uncertainty around cases like this.
I don’t want to share identifying details because it’s still technically an open investigation, but he was a very young adult who had become increasingly mistrustful and isolated before disappearing far from home.
There were no confirmed sightings afterwards, no financial trail that we know of, no documentation trail, and very little clarity overall.
I know nobody online can know an individual situation for certain, but I’m interested in hearing from people familiar with missing persons cases, homelessness, mental illness, neurodivergence, exploitation, or long term disappearances about what outcomes are generally considered most likely over time.
I’m not expecting anyone to “solve” anything; I think I’m just looking for an honest outside perspective after years of uncertainty.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
My brother disappeared 10 years ago. Just depression that kept him away.
I walk this park on breaks across from my house. Everyday for 5 years.
One day someone stops me and asks me my name. It was him. He'd been walking same park and lived a 10 minute walk away.
He said he'd been waiting to get life together before getting back in touch. Told him he needs to get us back to get life back.
Swapped numbers and had a long chat. He messaged back once and stopped reading my texrs after that.
Back to his disappearing act. (This was January)
At least I could tell my mom and siblings he's alive
iffyClyro@reddit
Was this in America?
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Nope, Scotland.
iffyClyro@reddit
I thought when you used the term mom it might be American. Was also thinking about how spread out their populations can be in rural areas.
Scotland can be pretty sparsely populated as well, not that it necessarily matters.
Taear@reddit
Legit only brum says "Mom" in the UK and people telling you that it's used in Scotland is just a straight lie, what the hell
So weird that you're getting downvoted for it
Conversation__16@reddit
Staffordshire and the Black Country say mom too.
YchYFi@reddit
Mom is used all over the UK. It's regional specific. Mainly the Midlands. Which is weird to see people think it's not used in the UK. Anyone from the Midlands will tell you it is used there. They even have cards with Mom on it for Mother's day.
https://secretbirmingham.com/birmingham-mom-mum-pronounce-reason/
This_Rom_Bites@reddit
Interesting; I've never heard it pronounced 'mom' here, but I haven't spent much time in the West Midlands. I've heard 'mam' in a few places, but mostly 'mum'. I learn something hew every day!
OtherAd6432@reddit
I'm from Leek, technically West Midlands and I use mam! Or mammy 😂
lesterbottomley@reddit
Pointing out your assertion is wrong isn't hating on regional differences.
You said it'd used all over the UK when in fact it's used in part of the West Midlands.
I've lived all over the UK and never heard it used once, anywhere.
blondererer@reddit
It’s more a west mids thing. It’s mum in the east mids.
Radiant-Mycologist72@reddit
Its "mum" in coventry which is technically West Midlands.
blondererer@reddit
Interesting! I thought you guys would go with mom!
Ok_Bumblebee_9873@reddit
I think it's changing. Growing up in Birmingham everyone used Mom and that's what we were taught in school but I've seen a shift with more people using mum now.
Kinx__x@reddit
I'm from Birmingham and my sister and I both say mom but my sister writes it as mum lol. I usually always get cards that say mom if I can, the same as I used to with nan cards.
HirsuteHacker@reddit
Same with people seeming to have no idea that 'pants' means trousers in most of the NW
YchYFi@reddit
Wait until you get onto the topic of 'high school'.
BeatificBanana@reddit
And they say "couch" for sofa in Manchester! I was really surprised when I moved here how many regional terms they use that I had previously assumed were solely American
YchYFi@reddit
I've always used settee.
HirsuteHacker@reddit
Many American words for common things like that are just older English words that fell out of use here over time, but often it's the case that some pockets of the UK never stopped using them.
Using your example: couch is from Middle English, entering use in the 1300s. Sofa came about around 300 years later in the 1600s
811545b2-4ff7-4041@reddit
Even the American use of 'Soccer' is just a British English term that fell out of favour here, but they carried on with.
I try to not get bent out of shape about American English. It would be like getting upset about someone speaking French... it's their version of English to do what they want with.
iffyClyro@reddit
Nowhere in Scotland uses Mom.
It’s irrelevant in any case as I wasn’t correcting the guy I was just curious because the geography and demographics of N.America would potentially change how easy or how difficult it is to disappear.
Scrumble123@reddit
Hell of a lot of downvotes for no apparent reason.
LitmusVest@reddit
Reason = Reddit
AWhistlingWoman@reddit
And “could care less”
YchYFi@reddit
Mom is used all over the UK. It's regional specific. Mainly the Midlands. Which is weird to see people think it's not used in the UK.
YchYFi@reddit
Mom is used all over the UK. It's regional specific.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry to hear that, and thank you for sharing. It was my brother, too. I'm not sure why I put 'cousin' on Reddit; I guess you just never know how people will respond.
You said he was living somewhere. Was this registered in his name, or was he living with friends or on the streets? If you don't mind me asking.
I totally hear you. All I want to know is if he is alive. I honestly don't care about anything else or what he chooses to do next. Sometimes I wonder if he is just waiting to get his shit together before he comes back, and I just want to scream I don't care if your shit is all over the place.
Again, I'm sorry to hear, and I really truly empathise. If you ever want to talk about it, DMs are open.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
He had a place paid for by the local authority. We tried to find him years ago as we got some money from a relative that passes and he was due a portion (not a crazy amount) and nobody could find him via voter of council tax information. Either that or the sociitor
CarrickGlenSparkling@reddit
Couldn't* care less
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
It works and is used in common speech.
lesterbottomley@reddit
Its used in common speech in the US but you are wrong about it working. It literally tells you nothing other than you care at least a tiny bit.
GiveMeCheesecake@reddit
Not really the right time for a correction champ.
CarrickGlenSparkling@reddit
Not really the right time for a correction, champ.*
Mr_Oblong@reddit
Dedication to the bit I, like it.
Altruistic-Brush6817@reddit
You have his number, did anyone else in your family try to contact him?
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
He asked I didn't give it out. Also asked I didn't tell anyone I seen him, as this meeting was too stressful in itself (weird, as he stopped me)
But I don't think people calling him will help any.
BeatificBanana@reddit
Not that weird. He probably didn't realise how stressed he was going to feel until after he stopped you
MilchickTheBabe@reddit
I have a similar situation with my brother who has bipolar. It’s hard and I spend nights wondering about him but therapy taught me to detach with love and accept him as is. Sorry you’re going through the same.
ShortDevelopment905@reddit
This was going well until 'back to his disappearing act.'
Do you ever think that maybe that reads unkindly?
I once disappeared as I was being blackmailed for money from a friend. After five years when I finally trusted the police they provided a psych to help my mind, and a lot of stuff came about about family and friends from when I was a kid. A sentence like yours above would have kept me away. You say it's an act, but you also say he's depressed. Well, which is it?
Walkerno5@reddit
Brutal. All power to you. Hope it gets resolved.
JennyW93@reddit
You can submit a request form to Locate International who will evaluate what detail you have and decide whether their volunteers will be able to look into this for you.
They usually deal with much, much colder cases, so a disappearance of (not to be glib at all) ‘only’ 6/7 years is a lot easier to work on than the majority of cases they catch from say the 1970s/80s
It’s worth a shot.
Case referral form
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you, someone else has mentioned it, and I can't believe I've never heard of them. I will definitely get in touch.
JennyW93@reddit
They’re a really great organisation. I used to volunteer with them (in more logistics stuff) and they’re a good mix of current and retired police, private detectives, and citizens who get really intensive training in all kinds of detectivery.
Really hope there’s some resolution for you, I can’t imagine going through this.
MangoonianLord@reddit
I have two examples of this from people I know.
This first involves a man who developed a mental illness during university leading to a large distrust of people, security cameras, etc. He disappeared for two years before he was found dead in a tent in the woods.
The other involves a former friend who disappeared without telling anyone for a few years. He had travelled and worked over Europe then returned home to his parents. He moves around near his parents but always ends up back there. He had also been sectioned once he returned from Europe. He now stays at his parents playing games all day. We think he might have a learning disability, but he never appeared to have one growing up.
OP, I don't know if you'll see your cousin again. There's a chance he just wanted to disappear as some people are just like that.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
The former friend who disappeared, how did he travel over Europe (as in did he have prior resources for this?), and did they not detect him leaving the country at the border control?
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it.
West_Guarantee284@reddit
Idvassume that an adult can leave of their own free will and unless they are suspected of a crime or being mentally unwell, or acting under duress, they wouldn't necessarily be flagged at immigration.
Taken_Abroad_Book@reddit
We don't check people leaving the UK anyway.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
They can check airport records/border control if the person is missing which they do
Taken_Abroad_Book@reddit
You don't have to leave through an airport or pass through border control to enter or exit the UK.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Oh? Like, you mean via Ferry or something?
Taken_Abroad_Book@reddit
Ferry, car, foot, bicycle, etc.
There's about 300 miles of border that's completely open.
Hell, there's even some roads that enter/leave/enter/leave multiple times as you drive along it
patchworkcat12@reddit
Only into Ireland.
MangoonianLord@reddit
No problem at all. I do hope you find your cousin. Regarding him:
He had resources initially as his parents gave him money for university and as maintenance, but he dropped out. He stayed with them for a while before leaving for Europe where he worked in random and lodged (usually in the same place). I assume he was still getting money from his parents too, but they lost contact with him quite a few times.
His dad reached out to me and asked where he was at one point and none of his former friends knew. I believe this was the time he was sectioned once he was found.
On him leaving for Europe, there would be nothing special with him leaving the country as he had no reason to be flagged. He wasn't "normal" growing up either, but no one noticed any possible mental illness until older age
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
Can I ask how old he was and where he disappeared from?
Without sounding too nosey as far as you know did anything happen within your family that would have made him want to leave and contact anyone?
I know this sounds super extreme but is it at all possible his isolation was spent online being indoctronated into any cult/religous groups?
I know that seems really out there but if your brother didnt leave a note and no body suicide is highly unlikely. No sightings, contact, no access to finances etc....it is very possible he started to withdraw and become paranoid because he was being exploited by a cult/religous sect/even possibly joined an extremist group. These groups would provide financial services/identity covers/food and shelter etc.....
It is all theory of course but one that means yoir brother is likely alive somewhere. However, will likely never return on his owm free will.
hamstertoybox@reddit
A lot of people don’t leave notes. Suicide can be an impulsive thing with no planning.
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
Thank you, I have explained in another comment more in depth but I didn't mean just because there was no note it wasn't possible. It is other factors that make it less likely.
hamstertoybox@reddit
Ah, fair enough. I’m just wary of giving this person false hope.
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
I understand. To be honest in the kindest but most direct way I did also say that if this type of theory was to be true after 10yrs the chances of him ever willingly returning home are next to 0. After a decade pf programming and conditioning (in cult theory), especially if it is a cult that has preyed on your paranoid beliefs and vulnerbility; sadly the person you knew is pretty much dead anyway because ypu are to them.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing. u/hamstertoybox, unfortunately, at this stage, it does not matter what people say on here. I've already thought the worst, so any out-of-the-box theories or speculations are welcome. I appreciate you looking out, though. Honestly, I've been extremely surprised by how therapeutic it has been for me to read everyone's comments. In my real life, nobody talks about it, and I did not think Reddit would be the place where I would get so much support.
hamstertoybox@reddit
I really hope you get closure some day, it sounds so hard.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I don't want to give any details. I will say he had a history of paranoid/schizophrenic presentations since he was a teenager, so it was not just a sudden spiral, if that makes sense. He used to watch a lot of documentaries and was very anti anything structured, so I would assume that goes for cults, etc., too. Like, sometimes if he was having an episode, he would accuse people of being in cults and would want to get as far away as possible from that, and he never trusted people easily either. So I don't think it's possible, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I appreciate a different perspective, though, and I did not realise groups like that provide all those things; that is insanely exploitative!
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
It is insanely exploitative. I absolutely appreciate what you are saying about your brother paranoia/schizophrinia but I actually wouldn't rule it out based on that and would consider if he came across a certain type of cult/group that he felt 'validated' him and his paranoia etc.... what they call the 'recruiters' would have absolutely used his vulnerability to their advantage.
A cult doesn't alway mean religious. He could have been doing something like going down internet rabbit holes on conspiracy theories if thats where his mental health was, and ended up connecting with 'like-minded' people. They indulge peoples paranoia, tell them they have every right to be wary of family/friends etc... convince them that were they are is a 'safe' place. Often done after the recruiter has put in often months of their time indulging their erratic beliefs so for the first time ever they don't feel 'crazy'. They feel believed, listened too and all of a sudden they trust this random stranger they met online. Said stranger tells them about all the great 'work' they do in their 'community', usually under a veil of some kind of activism that shields paranoid conspiricy. They make it seem like the perfect place for someome that dont feel like they fit in anywhere else can fit it. All they have to do is never leave and not tell anyone where they are going.
Now I sound like a conspiracy theorist. Really though I am just laying out how cult/extreme group leaders operate in recruiting those who we might believe are least likely to fall victim. I am not saying this happened, I was just trying to explain how your brother even though he had paraniod schizophrinia could have still been exploited buy these predators.
No_Field624@reddit
Just here to validate this point. My background is within criminology and it’s far more common than people realise.
You don’t sound like a conspiracy theorist at all, it’s absolutely a real possibility, especially given the warning signs of becoming withdrawn and isolated - although as others have mentioned this can apply to suicide cases too. It also appears he was vulnerable, which makes him an easy target for these groups.
OP - I hope you find some answers soon, not knowing is painful. Hoping for his safe return.
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
Thank you for your input. I appreciate someone with your background help to shine light on a real issue (even though I thought people were going to call me paranoid and tell me off for theorizing). 🙏🏽
I thought about suicide too. I just find it so difficult to believe that in 10yrs no body would have been found and not note was written. If paranoid schizoprenic delusions were a driving force IMO it is highly unlikely he would have got somewhere unotice or got so far from his last known location; without being being identified by someone for unstable behaviour.
I may be entirely wrong, which is why I also asked OP what park of the UK they live in (they didnt want to say). But I think it does help build up a picture. Come from a small village in the countryside? It is more likely than not someone would have seen him in an 'epissode'. Big city? Less likely people to be paying attention but also more likely that a body would have been found by now. Environment/Dynamics/circumstances make a difference to drawing probabilties on the liklihood someone committed suicide 10yrs ago and there is 0 evidence.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing. I really do appreciate your insights. He was from a big city, but a few of his belongings (a tent) were found slightly outside the city in more rural areas, a few months after he went missing (but no sighting).
Squeak_Stormborn@reddit
I work in education. We learn all this through prevent training. It's entirely possible and increasingly common. Your brother is actually their perfect target. Slightly unstable and a mistrust of others means you are easy to exploit in this way. These are the type of people that become slowly radicalised and taken away from their former lives
decentlyfair@reddit
I have an education background and am studying masters in criminology as we type. radicalisation doesn’t just apply to religious extremists but many other types of ‘organisations’, they prey on the vulnerable in society, especially those who may feel marginalised and not seen. These organisations fill that gap and then fill the poor souls with whatever nastiness is their chosen poison.
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
Yes, I did say that not all Cults mean 'religious'. But thank you for putting it more eloquently. I personally have never studied criminology/psychology etc.... so I appreciate your validation that I am not spouting craziness on reddit.
Healthy-Tap7717@reddit
If he was in a cult it is highly unlikely he knows he is in one or knew he was going into one. Also the way they recruit people makes it so they are completely dependable on them so even if they want to leave, they have nothing because they rely on these people for food/shelter/basic neccassities.
Fun-Swimmer2998@reddit
I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your family have gone through. The pain, at times must be overwhelming not to mention the uncertainty. I’m always amazed that a person can seemingly just fall off the face of the earth. I don’t have any personal experiences but a in 1990, I was about 8 or 9 a local shopkeeper vanished after leaving a note in the window of her shop. Never to be seen again and completely without a trace. Absolutely heartbreaking.
andrewscool101@reddit
You thinking of Trevaline Evans?
Fun-Swimmer2998@reddit
Yes it still baffles me to this day. Lots of theories/speculation on Reddit.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you I appreciate it and yeah I don't think I'd ever had considered how hard it was or much about it until I was personally affected.
missdaisydrives@reddit
Sister disappeared for 7 years total, living on the streets and in hostels, with alcoholism. Set up a website in her name hoping that if she googled she would see a page asking her to get in touch with us. When our last parent died then she got in touch and was already (just) sober and living in a hostel.
In the 7 years we only heard a few times where she was, once as she got in touch with an aunt for help and twice where she was stealing food and the police were involved but we went to the area where she had been arrested and couldn’t find her. That is how we got news to her that our parent had died, when she was arrested again it was on file and we had asked the police to tell her in the hope that she would be able to come to the funeral, she found out afterwards but still reached out. I bought her a mobile so she was able to keep in touch if she wanted to, but with no pressure, and it made a difference.
So over ten years on we have rebuilt our relationship and she’s more in touch with everyone in the family than any of us. She regrets what happened but had no real ‘reason’ for going, the alcohol took over and then that became her life. She completely rebuilt her life and has friends, family, a home and job and hasn’t touched a drop since she became sober, says it’s the only way.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Wow, I'm so happy to hear that you were able to reconnect. I was thinking of setting up a website for him... can I ask what your website was like? I want to sort of create something that is easy for him to access and easy to find (beyond news articles) and actually makes him feel safe to reach out.
missdaisydrives@reddit
It was a one page with her name as the URL and I paid for google ads to put it up there if she googled that, so helped that it was a fairly unusual name. It just said that we missed her and if she was able to get in touch we would be grateful then had an email address and phone number to contact which were unique for that purpose. We never had anyone trying it on, but we are going back years so that’d be more likely these days. She never saw it so not sure how useful it would be. We also reported her as missing through official channels. Occasionally I updated it with fairly anonymous family news (births, marriages, never any deaths).
heavenhelpyou@reddit
I mean, it also depends if they genuinely disappeared or if they stole themselves away.
As far as my bio family are concerned, I've been missing for 12 years - they've heard nothing about me/ seen me in that time. I moved far away, cut contact with them and anyone who knows them and changed my name. I did this all very suddenly (as far as they were concerned anyway) and vanished into the ether. They were despicable people and didn't deserve the comfort of knowing if im alive or dead.
All im trying to say is, there may be something else at play to make them want to be away from the family, rather than 'taken' away.
Giftsofrecovery@reddit
I understand. The so called black sheep of the family are often, actually the family scapegoat.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
For my case, when mental health is involved especially paranoia, I think its really difficult to pinpoint the cause. I know that he was going through it and I know that there were definitely better choices I could have made when he was around but that does not take away the pain of losing him or the love I will always have for him regardless of his choices. My biggest fear is that he left with an idea that we did not care about him which is of course not true, and I can hope that he knows that. I respect your decision and I hope you are at peace now.
DeadlyDancingDuck@reddit
Anecdotal, but my sister disappeared for 15 years at one stage, voluntary like your brother. She had gotten into hard drugs and didn't reappear until sober.
This was before social media. Maybe you could post online looking for him locally? He might see it or someone who knows him now might let him know.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
How did she get sober if you know? We have posted a lot online, on forums, and in public. Unfortunately, it was not a nationwide story, but sometimes I worry that if I push for more publicity, he may be less likely to come home because he hated that stuff. I've also had a few bad experiences, as it's unfortunately very common for people to fabricate stories and reach out with lies.
DeadlyDancingDuck@reddit
She went to her doctor for help, off her own back. She was hesitant to reach out to any family.
Yeah, I understand what you mean re publicity. In your situation I would post locally every year. Situations change and knowing they're welcome back can be instrumental in them making contact again.
It'd be wise to have as many of your family with publicly accessible social media profiles as possible, e.g. own full name with a photo. Especially those of you he has been closest to.
Go a step further and on their birthday or Christmas etc. post something they can see without it being over the top public e.g. ”Thinking of you" with a picture of a birthday cake? Nothing they can take exception to, but they'll know of they see it that they're welcome to reach out.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
When it comes to big publicity, it mainly goes through missing people organisation, and so the bright white and pink posters are what I fear feel too official and scary looking like a "wanted" poster. We do it every year anyhow. But someone mentioned having created a website, so I'm thinking of doing that to post stuff like that.
NaomiT29@reddit
I cannot imagine being in your position, but I think it is highly unlikely your cousin is still alive, or has been for a while. From your description it sounds like he had some kind of break in his mental health, and with absolutely no trail of any kind after his disappearance, my most brutally honest thought is he will have taken his own life.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, you are the third person I have heard say this about the suicide theory. I just wonder how it is that no traces of a body can be found in the UK if something like that happens...
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
sadly, its usually rivers. Although not just through intent. Many people who go missing on nights out in cities that have rivers are thought to have fallen in - because a river will always carry you away, and its not always a certainty that you are spotted before you reach the sea
20127010603170562316@reddit
There was someone I knew in my town, I used to work with him, and had friends of friends in common.
Really happy guy as far as I knew, he had a really deep laugh that would make you laugh too.
Went missing in a December after a night out in just a shirt and trousers. Was found a couple of weeks later in the river they'd already searched.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
Paradoxical hypothermia. At a certain point in the process of suffering hypothermia the sufferer feels like they are burning up. its not unknown for people in this stage to dive into rivers or bury themselves in snowbanks to feel relief because they think they are on fire. Needless to say few survive.
BeatificBanana@reddit
Could someone really die of hypothermia in the UK in December? After being outdoors for probably not that long, if they were on their way home from a nightclub which would've been warm indoors? It doesn't get that cold here, especially in December.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
yes and absolutely has happened, usually to teenagers on the way home from clubs. Sally Greig - 1998, Lee (15) - 2009, Ali Bunney - 2006, Dan Starr - 2014
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I get more sensitive and worried whenever winter rolls around tbh.
Inevitable_Ad_3359@reddit
Yes unfortunately so. Not an expert just what I've read over the years but I think it's possible to get hypothermia outside in 10c or less? It's May and last week it was 6c round here at night. I think I've read a 1 to 5 hour onset window especially if it's rained, windy, or you're drunk.
20127010603170562316@reddit
Possible, but it would be quite the high dive into the river.
There are theories out there on his death, but unless someone comes forward and says they saw him do it - conspiracies will abound.
TakimaDeraighdin@reddit
FWIW, the usual answer for an intoxicated man drowning, particularly where they would have needed to fall off a high point to do so, is that they stopped for a pee, slipped, and fell in. Even if there's a barrier - people climb over/onto them to be close enough to the edge to pee, then fall.
NoRecipe3350@reddit
Is it the case that ecstasy use makes you feel really hot as well? Could also be a factor in some people returning from nightclubs having that burning up sensation.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
I wouldnt know about that - just that the cases I am aware of were attributed to hypo
LitmusVest@reddit
Not only rivers, unfortunately.
I live near a high bridge over the Manchester Ship Canal and people occasionally jump off there. From here the water has a pretty open route out into the Mersey estuary.
In the past few years they've found a body out in the estuary of someone they think went off this bridge. There are others who they think went the same way, and found nothing despite searching the canal. Once you're out in the estuary, it's unlikely your body will ever be recovered.
PracticeNo8733@reddit
It's hard for a body to not be discovered. But the thing is, it's already hard for an adult in the UK to go missing for 7 years at all. So the prior probability is already low - so it's a matter of the comparative probability of:
vs
If there wasn't a good well defined search areas there are lots of difficult to access and/or rarely visited places (derelict buildings, odd bits of wasteland, the occasional uncapped mineshaft, etc) someone could be for a long time without discovery. Not that you could pull it off reliably, but it could happen.
Whereas it's difficult (though not impossible) to imagine an adult either leaving the UK (in recent times) or remaining in the UK for all that time and not leaving a footprint somewhere.
meggo91@reddit
Sadly I knew someone who went missing for a year, there was a national manhunt and all sorts of theory’s, then he was found dead on his own land having shot himself. He was in some woodland and the body was well hidden, not sure if they had tried dogs to find him but sometimes bodies are just hard to find. It was horribly sad but this person had a long history of severe depression and in a way it is comforting to know what happened, in the same way there is some comfort to be found in not knowing I guess.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
There is no comfort in not knowing at least for me because I always think worst case scenario, I know my parents it’s another story.
EldritchCleavage@reddit
The National Crime Agency website lists bodies found that have not been identified. They have usually been found in remote places.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Sometimes I check the website looking for Jane Doe’s not found but I don’t do it a lot because it’s so sad to see all those who have not been found
YchYFi@reddit
Even then just falling in the river near a sea. Easy to never be discovered.
alondonkiwi@reddit
I was thinking this, really depends what sort of area they went missing (or might have been able to get to) in what the likelihood of finding a body is.
My cousin went missing and we never found his body as he was near a body of water. The circumstances we knew he was dead, knew roughly where he'd been seen, but no way to recover a body.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yes, that makes sense. Thank you for responding. It's the without a trace part for sure, and I don't think he has left the country because they do check airport records sometimes, and there is nothing. I don't think they did search enough to be honest. Would it still be low if it was 5/6 years? I would assume so too.
addicted243@reddit
I had a university friend who seems to have gone missing without a trace. Potentially in a body of water that has been searched without success, or on countryside which has also been searched.
Sometimes I wonder, he had historic mental health issues but was apparently in a good place at the time of his disappearance. Did he somehow magically sack in that life and go off grid? I used to think I sometimes saw him in our university city, but I don't think it was him, without a body it is hard though.
PracticeNo8733@reddit
I don't think anyone can give you useful numbers. Long term missing adult cases are very rare in the UK (so small sample size) and I don't think the government even release detailed stats on them. The point is, since we're already in the "very unusual" domain, very unusual explanations are not unlikely.
blinky84@reddit
I'm in the Scottish Highlands. I imagine it's somewhat easier here than in the more densely populated areas.
NoRecipe3350@reddit
Strange as it sounds, you have better chance of disappearing in densely populated areas, as long as you don't have any distinctive facial features I guess. Highlanders and rural people in general are known for noticing strangers suddenly enter their communities. I mean sure you could go off grid into the hills, which wouldn't be so good anyway because you'd likely be spotted by walkers eventually.
blinky84@reddit
This is gonna sound morbid, but that's only true for people who intend to stay living.
Tourism is big here; strangers passing through is very common. You don't need to 'enter the community' if you're not sticking around, as it were.
NoRecipe3350@reddit
Ok I see your point kinda. Though if they want to die they can jdo that anywhere.
blinky84@reddit
I mean, yeah, but I guess some people take that decision and don't want their body to be discovered. They might see it as a kindness for their family to just have to deal with "vanished" rather than "suicide". Maybe they don't want to burden their loved ones with the expense of a funeral.
Ultimately, suicide is never a kind course of action for those left behind. But in that mindset, people make whatever decisions that they think are 'for the best', however mistaken they are.
cari-strat@reddit
There's are vast areas of the country where people rarely go. Even at popular beauty spots, most folk stay on or near the trails. If he walked into the depths of a huge forested area like one of the national parks or AONBs, he could easily not be found before scavengers and weather hid his remains. Likewise large lakes, rivers etc.
My dad was in the police and always said if missing people weren't found in the first 48 hours, more often than not they wouldn't be found at all, or at least not alive. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. At least if you know they've passed, it's closure. The uncertainty is awful.
Bacon4Lyf@reddit
I used to walk the cliffs on the southern tip of Cornwall a lot, there was always the thought that if I fell right now I’d likely never be recovered because of how rocky and remote and high these cliffs were
snarkycrumpet@reddit
I've known 2 friends who had family members disappear.
one was a child, they never found him but suspect he fell into water. that was over 20 years ago now. it's totally reshaped the family.
second was an adult who disappeared on holiday and many years later the body was found. the family were also utterly shell shocked.
the ripples of this kind of loss and the questions just are endless. I'm sorry you have this to deal with.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, it really does have a big effect on families, and there is deffo a ripple effect. In our case, our extended family have decided to never bring it up and try to isolate us from joining family gatherings when they can, which is a shame. But I don't think we are missing out on anything special.
Royal-Grapefruit-490@reddit
Hi OP, I feel like I have a semi-positive experience to contribute here. My dad disappeared 10 years ago. He went to work one day and never came home. No one could trace him, his van was found a few weeks later clamped in a car park. Bank account fully withdrawn the day he disappeared and phone was left at a petrol garage. He had been through some really tough times 6 months to a year before disappearing and I think he just couldn’t cope with our expectations of him. Last year I heard a rumour he had been seen in Devon (my family live in the Home Counties so a bit of a shock!) I searched “dad’s name in Devon” and found a newspaper article of him in Cornwall. I’m not going to get into specifics of how I got in contact with him in case anyone can identify me from that but he is alive, a severe drug, alcohol & gambling addict though (which was building in the years before he left). He was homeless for 8 out of 10 years but weirdly (to me), enjoyed this and prefers not being tied to an accommodation. He’s quite unwell mentally and physically but we have contact & I have seen him twice. I know it’s not a massively happy story, but I just wanted to reassure you that not everyone who disappears has passed away & it is possible to find them again.
Royal-Grapefruit-490@reddit
After sitting on the train and thinking about this for a while, I want to add something. OP due to my dad leaving I have severe anxiety and abandonment issues. Please talk to someone about this even if you don’t feel like you need to. I coped until I didn’t, and I still struggle now. People don’t feel like you should care after a long period of time but you will & it will hit you at times you least expect it. Sending virtual hugs to you, the not knowing is the worst part🤍
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing. I am thinking about getting support, but I just think the NHS mental health system is just so complicated and unhelpful sometimes that it has made me adverse to it. I had therapy in the 3rd year and that was really helpful but even going private it is hard to find someone who understands. I do feel this will affect me in the long term no matter how much I try to acknowledge it occasionally, as I hoped it would get easier with time, I'm starting to realise maybe it won't. I just don't know what steps to take going forward as I have been to therapy many times for different things and I'm very self aware and I don't know what will help. Is there something specific that helped you? Appreciate it a lot and I'm sorry you dealt with this too ❤️
chocolatefeckers@reddit
Sorry to hear about this. May I ask, were the police involved in looking for him?
Royal-Grapefruit-490@reddit
Hey, apologies, maybe I should have added that to my comment. Police were involved the first time he did this (only 1 year before this current period he disappeared) and we were told he didn’t want to be found. My uncle found him and brought him home 6 months later. Back in 2015 we didn’t bother calling the police as we assumed the answer would be the same & when speaking to him recently he confirmed he wouldn’t have wanted us to find him
Bluerose1000@reddit
Sister was missing for 13 years. She was 18 I was 5 when she left the home in the middle of the night.
Our father died without ever knowing what happened.
She just called one day as our home number was never the same. She just followed her boyfriend at the time who was by all accounts a POS.
We dont have a relationship now, too much happened, too much trauma both individualand collective. I never really knew/remembered her anyway and ultimately she ended up not being a particularly nice person either. At the time we were all naive thinking we could pick up where we left off but that was so far from the case.
Honestly reunited families need support, its a huge adjustment.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I think about that last line a lot. Something that keeps me going is trying to have my shit together, so I'm prepared to face anything if he does return. I want to be the type of person emotionally that can deal with any sort of situation even though I know its hard. Even if it is just coming to the acceptance that he does not want further contact or coming to the acceptance that choices he wants to make don't align with what I think is best. I never want him to feel judged or obligated and I've had to do a lot of inner work to be able to accept different scenarios that could come to light.
iffyClyro@reddit
Realistically most people that are missing for more than a few days tend to be found dead or end up never being found.
People that go entirely off the radar and adopt new personas and so on are extremely rare.
I did trace a missing person from Manchester in a small Perthshire village a few years after being reported missing, the guy was very much the archetype of a drifter.
Source: Have been involved in numerous missing person enquiries, mostly in Scotland but also internationally.
p_r_d_v_a@reddit
Why would you say single mothers go missing then resurface?
iffyClyro@reddit
What do you mean?
Cow_Launcher@reddit
I think they might have been asking, "In your opinion, why do you think single mothers go missing then resurface?" rather than a shocked, "How can you say that?!"
IOW, I think it might be badly phrased.
iffyClyro@reddit
Pressure.
Men get up and go and leave women literally holding the baby.
Granny takes the kids for the weekend, mum goes wild stays away longer than planned.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your honesty and response. I would assume people who adopt new personas, despite being rare, mainly have a lot of resources to do that, right? The person that you traced as a drifter, how had he been surviving under the radar? Thank you for the recommended read, I will definitely look into that.
dbee8q@reddit
As someone who works for an organisation who deals with vulnerable peope, it would be very very difficult for someone in the UK to start over without a trace. A vulnerable person would need support at some point and that would require some sort of ID check.
The only way someone could do it here is by living on the streets.
I think in places like America its more common because rules differ state to state and information is not shared on databases as such.
I hope you get an answer one day.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, this is what I think regularly tbh especially because he did take a form of documentation with him, he would have either lost it or used it and if he used it they check regularly in the system and it hasn’t been used since he was missing. I know there are some that will let people stay anonymously but even still to go forward like you say ID and information is needed
iffyClyro@reddit
He mostly begged on the street which can be surprisingly lucrative but also made use of various services like food banks and stuff.
Had a massive back pack, walked a lot, camped out if he couldn’t scrape money together for a hotel or hostel.
Keep in mind you can get a bed in a hostel for about £8.00 in a lot of places.
The thing I remember most about that guy is that he was perfectly happy, he chose the life he lived.
Most likely he was neurodivergent or something and he was just living life on his own terms.
Fair play.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I'm happy to hear that he was surviving and he was happy.
rhi_ni@reddit
You think Allan Bryant Jr could possibly be alive and chose to go missing? His dad’s posts are hard to look at…
TerriblePainting2584@reddit
His dad's posts are heartbreaking. From everything I've read people seem pretty sure he was killed the night he went missing.
maersyl@reddit
Username totally checks out. Mon the… iff!
mrs_shrew@reddit
https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/case-search?view=search&layout=ncacampaigntemplate:mpucasesearch&category_id=46&advanced_search_url=/case-search/case-advanced-search&menuarea=mpucasesearch&search_limit=12
Have you looked through these unidentified people? Be warned, it's very sad to go through and I ended up in tears last time.
So many people have a mental breakdown and just remove themselves from society, they drift from one place to another and the face ages beyond recognition. I hope you find him soon.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I have looked on some occasions, but I choose to do so when I have the mental energy. Thank you for sharing and I hope so too.
BoredReceptionist1@reddit
Are these pictures of people who have died?
Jumpy-Jello-@reddit
None of us can really say, but from your description it sounds like your brother might have been experiencing some paranoid delusions. It is very, very hard to convince a schizophrenic that medication is good for them, and very easy for their minds to convince them that people are out to get them. A lot end up self-medicating and homeless and/or in institutions.
I wish there was more we could do for people experiencing paranoia. I hope you find him and get clarity one day.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you.
No_Currency6911@reddit
There is a young man locally to me who has been missing 20 years now. 20 whole years. He just disappeared, it is heartbreaking. I have a few links to him as it’s a fairly small area we are from. I think that’s what makes it all so close to us. There is a few local rumours about what happened to him, a couple of arrests about 10 years ago (for murder) but no charges. My mum also has a friend whose husband went missing. He went for a walk and was never seen again m, despite searches. I can’t imagine how hard it is for relatives and friends of those missing. I think we have all probably lost someone through death, and that is hard enough. But at least we had closure. It seems insane how people can go missing for so many years, especially in England m, as compared to USA it is tiny. But unfortunately it happens. I truly hope everyone who reads this who knows or is affected by someone missing gets peace and closure at some point. My heart breaks for you all going through that agonising pain of just not knowing 💖💖
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you, your empathy is truly appreciated, and yes, it is still something I don't understand in the country that we are in with all the resources we have access to. It's a shame because some of those resources are not always fairly distributed depending on the case, too and the "popularity". Another hard part of not knowing is also knowing that more could have been done. I appreciate your kind words.
Little-green-car@reddit
Your story sounds similar to that of a friend whose sibling disappeared (left). I won't go into lots of detail so as not to share info that isn't mine to share. They left with a passport but no note or any obvious plans or means of support, and for years the family were left not knowing and wondering if something bad had happened. The person did eventually make contact after about ten years, so it is not always a given that something 'bad' has happened. It was very hard on them all not knowing in that time.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing, it is reassuring hearing people who have resurfaced after such a long time especially after living with the pain of not knowing for so long.
Ok_Inflation4320@reddit
My sister in law disappeared after a post natal depression. She has resurfaced over the years going back to her parents but then disappears again.
We tried on several occasions to provide a home base or rehab, but this never worked out for her.
She is very much mentally unwell, met the wrong people and turned to drugs. I bumped into her a couple of times begging on the streets in London, and tried to encourage her to go back to her parents. She did for a while but I think she’s back on the streets again begging.
Sadly there isn’t much I can do in these situations. My sister in law needs to have the willingness to make her situation better and for whatever reason she doesn’t want to yet.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I understand and thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that, and yes, it is hard when it is ultimately their decision no matter how much support you have ready to provide.
BenjieAndLion69@reddit
My dad disappeared when I was 17, I had a mum and a 16 and 9 yr old brothers. Dad had lost his job and his mum had not long died and he took me to work one day and didn’t come back. I remember seeing him staring out of the window for ages before we left and he was silent in the car.
Mum was devastated and a few weeks later she received a power of attorney document, he had drawn up, allowing her access to his funds. We guessed he hadn’t committed suicide but knew he was deeply depressed.
Turns out he had gone to Harwich and took a ferry to Europe.
He found work over there and a few months later he called my mums friend and asked her if she would ask Mum if he could come home.
She said yes, on the proviso he went to the doctors. He did and went in to a mental health hospital.
He recovered and came back home for good.
Looking back I don’t think he has ever accepted just how bloody selfish his actions were. My youngest brother has never really forgiven him. We lost Mum a few months ago and he does talk about his ‘European’ trip but it seems to him it was more of a holiday..
I hope you can get some peace eventually.
imma2lils@reddit
You might find listening to the podcast The Missing Matter interesting. It is mostly about Australian missing people, but I think you would perhaps identify with the emotions the people featured on the podcast experience around ambiguous loss.
Also: https://www.ambiguousloss.uk/
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing.
Badlydressedgirl@reddit
Have you worked with Locate International? I’ve listened to many of their podcasts about missing people in the UK and they can be really great for raising awareness.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
No, I have not. Thank you for sharing. I've never even heard of them. I think I will contact them.
Badlydressedgirl@reddit
There's also Missing People, another charity. I really wish you the best, and I'm sending you love and support.
classwarhottakes@reddit
A relative of mine went "missing" some years ago. We didn't know where he was exactly but we were pretty sure he was still in the UK, alive and on past behaviour, likely in the jail. So we didn't look.
Police found us many years later, he had died of his addiction and left a semblance of a will including where to find us if he died. But he was alive for a long time after he went off our radars, he just didn't want anything to do with us as we suspected.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope the will gave your family some closure at least.
Spider-Thwip@reddit
I'm a brother that disappeared.
I just had to get away from the trauma.
It was about 10 years ago now.
I still think about my family a lot.
I love them but I had to put myself first, and I have never stopped feeling guilty about it.
I'm mostly doing okay, I have a good job and a girlfriend.
We have two cats.
My life was a wreck when I was around my family, and getting away is the thing that allowed me to get my life together.
I've had great experiences, I've visited places in the world i never thought I would.
I miss them and I hope they're okay, but i don't think I could ever go back.
I'm sorry I left, but I probably would have ended my life if I didn't.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I understand. I'm glad that you are doing well. For me, as I have mentioned, I respect whatever choices my brother chooses to make, I just want to know he is alive and okay really. When you hear nothing, you can only assume the worst but I have days where I also like to assume the best. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm glad you made the decisions that felt right for you.
Fattydog@reddit
Try the Missing People charity in the UK. They have a Lost Contact Service which may help you.
They do absolutely amazing work reconnecting families.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
They need his details in order to carry out the service, unfortunately, and they could not find anything. But they do amazing work, and I'm grateful to them a lot.
TheCrustyCurmudgeon@reddit
I ran large-scale homeless services and statewide outreach services for homeless people with serious mental illness in the U.S. for decades and we often dealt with this issue from the other side. Many of the people we worked with had been separated from family for years for various reasons. Mental illness can cloud the mind and create events that never happened. Years of active, unmedicated mental illness, drug use, and homelessness only add to the confusion and often strengthen the familial estrangement.
When we knew of these situations, our case managers would usually make every attempt to encourage or facilitate communication or reunification. That said, we were dealing with adults and our obligation of confidentiality was to our client, the homeless person. So, if our client refused to allow us to reach out on their behalf, we could not do so.
In addition, we did not have the facilities to be aware of active missing persons cases or open warrants and law enforcement were not allowed into shelters without a warrant. If we became aware of these, however, it might allow us to communicate with the proper authorities. This made the homeless community an excellent place for someone to get (and stay) lost. That said, I have seen many such lost individuals get reconnected with family after years of absence, so it can & does happen. To be perfectly honest, however, they were the exceptions rather than the rule.
One thing that can be helpful is if family keep the search alive. Just because it's an "open case" doesn't mean law enforcement is actually doing anything with it. More than once, family have sent me "Have you seen...?" communications, which we always passed along to our shelter staff. Knowing that a person is missing can shine a different light on the situation. More often than not, staff only know what the homeless person is willing to share.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Wow, what an amazing organisation you ran, that is incredible work! For me, I like to hope that he ran into kind people or a kind service that looks after him no matter what his choices are. I try to keep the search alive as much as I can but I'm the only one who is really doing that and following up, so it can sometimes be draining but I won't stop if I can help it.
melnificent@reddit
I disappeared for a couple of years back around the turn of the millennia. Got kicked out of home by parents when I was still a young adult and after a week of sofa surfing locally I upped sticks and moved to a different city, stayed there a few months, then changed city a few more times.
Bumped into my younger sister when I was visiting friends in my home city and slowly got back in touch with them all over a period of time. I see them semi-regular... but only if I do the work to see anyone. I know if I stopped none of them would likely bother, and that's fine by me.
Sorry to tell you this, but if I hadn't bumped into my sister that day, I'd never have bothered getting in contact with my family, as I'd got a life, friends, job scraped together by that point. I was miles away quietly doing my own thing. My details at that point were not linked in any way with my old life, as I was determined to not take a thing linked to my parents. Another year I'd've moved abroad (why I was visiting my friend) and been gone for good.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
How did you manage to stay under the radar for so long? Was it cash in hand jobs?
For me, whether my brother has made the choice to live a new life or not, I will honour his decisions. I just want to make sure he is alive and okay, and I'm glad that you were able to be and felt it was the right decision for you.
lazylimpet@reddit
I wish I could contribute something meaningful here, but I'm afriad I don't have any kind of insight which could help. I'm just so, so sorry for your situation. I hope he does resurface like some of the people commented their loved ones did. It must be just so draining to never know what has happened. I hope the investigation picks up. I'm sure that talking about it like this will help in some way; it's such a huge thing and I hope you're able to speak about it irl as well. Sending enormous respect to you and I hope you and the rest of your family have a lot of support around you.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I really appreciate your empathy. Unfortunately, we do not have much support around us - the situation actually isolated us a lot from others, and the investigation has not been taken seriously since the first year it happened (even though they could have done more in that first year, too).
However, I'm so grateful to everyone who has shared different stories and thoughts, and continues to do so. I don't really get to talk about it irl, so it is nice to sort of be able to here. We can only have hope, as my brain has spiralled in a million different directions over the last few years.
ChiefSec@reddit
There's a charity in the UK called Missing People. They don't just look for the missing, they actively support the families for as long as the families want. I really recommend reaching out to them, they're a fantastic charity.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, they are great, thank you for sharing, I am involved with them. It's a shame because I did not know we could access support until more than a year or 2 into the investigation.
WildWanderingRedHead@reddit
Best friend's Elderly father disappeared one day. Police traced him but wouldn't say where he was (something to do with if a person chooses to leave then that is up to them). A few years later friend contacted by Interpol when the dad died... the dad had moved to Dublin, lived homeless and died like that. No idea why he up and left, why he moved countries and why he chose to be homeless. He took a photo of his daughter and nothing else.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Wow, thank you for sharing.
TheMusicArchivist@reddit
Sadly, in Bristol, any man who goes missing on a night out ends up in the water, where the shock of the cold temperature and the inebriated state of mind combine to simply slip the person under the water with no shout for help.
Reading the rest of the replies, it seems like some people just want isolation, and some are struggling with fitting in society. But most of the people who end up in Bristol Harbour or the River Avon or the River Frome are bubbly, sociable people coming back from parties.
For a long time there was a rumour of a serial killer who'd push drunk guys in, but I think the more innocent theory is that they all decide they need to pee really badly and stand right on the edge of the harbour and simply fall in. The water is black at night, and the somatogratic illusion messes with your sense of balance, making it more likely you'll deliberately pitch forwards because you think you're about to fall backwards.
The fact it mostly seems to be young men falling in after leaving parties around 2am and not, say, young women (who don't pee into rivers) or old men (who don't go partying in student cities so widely) backs up that idea.
I'm heartened that 'death' is not the first thought of many on this thread and that they've been able to see their family again even if briefly.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing. He was not the type party etc, but it is insane how nature can just take you in like that. And yes I am also heartened by this fact.
hellothereitsonlyme@reddit
I know someone who lost their brother for several years. He didn't get in contact and they thought he just wanted to stay away. One day, someone found him in a hospital (just happened to be there at the same hospital). The brother became mentally ill and couldn't contact his family.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Did the hospital have his records on file? Were they planning on contacting the family? What do they do with jane doe's in hospital? I hope he is recovering now.
YchYFi@reddit
They don't contact people if they don't want them to contact people.
LizzyFCB@reddit
They have a legal duty to contact your nearest relative? My brother was sectioned multiple times and never wanted us to know. They still had to contact my mum and inform her.
maersyl@reddit
In certain circumstances maybe - such as if the patient isn’t capable of making their own decisions so it is in their best interest or due to their age.
In other cases, where the patient does have some capacity, they may well not be allowed to tell people by law without the patient’s permission.
parksa@reddit
Exactly this as a former A&E nurse. They can lack capacity concerning some matters but not on others. If the person had died or were unconscious and they had contact info on the system we would contact NOK but if conscious and can weigh up decisions it's up to the person.
YchYFi@reddit
Only under the Mental Health Act do they have a legal duty. If they are not sectioned there is no legal duty. A nominated next of kin has no legal recourse in English law.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah from what I know they’d be able to tell us if he was alive but not where and honestly that’s fine with me but they haven’t even gotten that…
YchYFi@reddit
If they haven't found him then an update is less likely.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah I always assume that if there was an update it would have to be on his own free will if he was still alive that is
Purrtymeow04@reddit
not when they have the capacity to refuse people to know
Spike_Milligoon@reddit
I had a family member go missing. Sadly he was found dead after over a decade and the coroner gave an open verdict.
During this time I was involved in a multi agency govt initiative (sadly canned under Cameron’s cost cutting) to look at ways of improving support, communications etc on missing persons cases.
Probably the biggest challenge is authorities between county boundaries. If you get hospitalised etc the next county over you can effectively be missing as systems didn’t talk to each other and police couldn’t access records easily. Things may have improved in the years since but this was one of the biggest challenges.
On a personal note I would say to look after yourself. You’ll likely be carrying the burden for your parents too. After a while it will exhaust you. Don’t be afraid of speaking to a dr and getting medication or MH support. I have only recently done this after 20 plus years - I wish I’d done it so much earlier now rather than trying to power on through the pain.
If you ever want to chat please feel free to reach out and dm me. It is a horrible world, the not knowing, and if I can help - even if it is just sharing my experiences and lessons - then I’ll be glad to.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I'm sorry to hear about your family member. They check border controls sometimes, and there are no signs of him leaving the country, but it could also be a possible oversight.
Thank you, I received some therapy in the 3rd year, but it is so hard to find a good therapist who I feel understands my experience and isn't charging crazy prices. I've thought about reaching to my GP but long waiting times and having gone through the system before makes me adverse especially because I'm finally at a point where I'm rebuilding a career. But I do know its important and I'm guessing it does not get easier as the years go by?
Thank you, I'll take you up on that.
lxxmng@reddit
I am sorry you are going through this. It is surprisingly easy to disappear into the grey corners of society if you are determined to stay off the grid but the total absence of any medical or administrative record over such a long time is usually the most telling part. It is a very heavy uncertainty to live with
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Yeah, the no medical/admin trace - that's what sticks out to me too. Thank you I appreciate it.
MoistHD@reddit
Just wanted to share something from my family. My mother was very close to her cousin growing up, he got into hard drugs and would disappear for a couple of years at a time. He would go and live in Thailand or Vietnam for a bit and reappear for a few months before vanishing again.
The last time he was seen I was only a small child, not 2 years old which was over 30 years ago. One day he popped up in a newspaper story and he was a pretty well known homeless man in an area that my family would visit on holiday every couple of years. In this article he stated how his family had fell out with him and he couldn’t see us anymore, so his brother went down and found him, he had been living rough for several years at this point.
About a year after that, my family visited the same place as they do once every year or two and he was there! He was invited in, given food and drinks and he seemed very happy. He refused any charity saying that he had plenty of money and preferred the freedom he had. He said he would come and visit later that week and hasn’t been seen since that was about 4 years ago.
No one really knows why he chose this, or why he told the newspaper he was outcast from his family, we are all close and as far as I’m aware there wasn’t anything funny going on. His mother never found out that we had spoken to him, as she is old, frail and her husband had died only a couple of years before so her other son (the brother mentioned earlier) decided it would be detrimental to her mental health if she knew. I personally don’t think that was the right choice but I don’t really have a say in that. I hope he is doing well.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it and I hope he is doing well. And yeah I would have told her but I guess it is up to them. I hope so too.
Spider-Thwip@reddit
I'm a brother that disappeared.
I just had to get away from the trauma.
It was about 10 years ago now.
I still think about my family a lot.
I love them but I had to put myself first, and I have never stopped feeling guilty about it.
fjallpen@reddit
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I knew of someone that went missing. Mentally unwell, went missing in the UK and became a bit of a national hunt until they were found over a year later in Central Europe accidentally.
GabberZZ@reddit
My exes eldest brother was a bit of a lad and spent a lot of time touring the world. He was last seen in Indonesia I think, then he just disappeared. We joked he probably met the wrong people and is now part of the foundations for a building or overpass.
10 years later he reappeared like nothing had happened.
So never give up.
NicD3@reddit
I seen in another comment you said it was your brother. I can't even imagine what you're going through, or how hard it has been, but I do hope you find him or at least get answers around his disappearance. 🧡
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I really do appreciate that, and I hope so too.
Isgortio@reddit
My cousin just left one day and had no contact at all with anyone in his family. He had a large insurance payout after being made partially blind in a car accident.
He'd met some people at uni and they convinced him that his family were evil or something, and so he moved in with these people and they spent all of his money.
One of the people died, I think they were quite a bit older than him (he's in his 40s now and they were 60s or 70s? He left in his 20s). He reached out to his parents last year, and finally met up with them. My aunt is really happy to see him again, but his siblings don't seem convinced by him. Apparently he keeps telling stories like they're his stories, but it was actually his siblings in those stories? We knew he was alive because someone in the family was able to track him and keep tabs on him but I don't know how, sorry.
Hopefully it's just a no contact thing in your case and not a more horrible outcome.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing. I am also hoping it is a no contact thing as the best case scenario at this point. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin.
NaturalDisaster2582@reddit
One of my grandparents disappeared and nobody knew what happened for 25 years.
From what I know (I wasn’t born when this happened) her mental health wasn’t fantastic. They were raised in an abusive home and had an abusive partner. I think she snapped. We found out later that she had a new life, new partner etc on the other side of the country….about 10 years after they disappeared they killed themselves.
I think if a person does leave this way by choice (ie not abducted) it’s either through something forcing them to do that or there’s some instability with their mind.
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I agree on your last point. And I'm sorry to hear about your grandparent.
NaturalDisaster2582@reddit
Thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your brother, I hope he’s turns up safe and well soon
Ok_Adhesiveness_8637@reddit
r/rbi
ahumanduck@reddit (OP)
I'm getting a lot of views in there but no replies lol
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