Is there special etiquette around wedding presents in the US?
Posted by Curious-Jello-6957@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 83 comments
Hi everyone
I am invited to a wedding of a childhood friend of mine who is from the US. Sadly I cannot make it to the wedding but they have a registry set up and I was wondering if there is any special etiquette around contributing to presents if you're not attending. It's quite a big wedding as far as I can tell and the requested presents range from 60 to 400$, there is also a fund with the possibility of choosing your own contribution. I would actually like to send a present as I like my friend and wish for their happiness but I cannot tell if that would perhaps be strange. Also what price range would be normal (we are still quite young and I am just finishing University)?
EloquentBacon@reddit
I think it’s really up to you if you want to send a gift if you can’t attend. To me that would depend on how close you are with the bride & groom.
The type of gift you would send, if you choose to send a gift, depends very heavily on where the bride & groom reside. I’m in Central Jersey. I’m my area, North Jersey, NYC, Long Island and other surrounding areas, the registry is only for people invited to the Bridal Shower to shop off of for the gift/gifts they will bring to the bride at her bridal shower. Here the registry is definitely not for wedding gift shopping.
For gifts to be given at the wedding or for people to send if they can’t attend, we only give cash or write a check. Here we would never bring a wrapped gift to a wedding. Its considered more considerate to bring cash or checks to the wedding so the bride and groom can leave straight from the wedding to go on their honeymoon without having to worry about who is taking the wedding gifts and where they’ll be when they arrive back home. Though I know other areas of the US view this in a very different light
xRVAx@reddit
Just write them a $50 check and call it a day.
Proof-Emergency-5441@reddit
Registries give discounts for the couple to get items that weren't purchased. We put some high dollar items on our specifically for that purpose. We didn't expect people to get them. We got a couple higher ones because people went in a group to buy a gift.
Give what is in your budget and feels right for you.
Rockhopper23@reddit
It’s customary to match what they are paying per plate. So $50-150 but if you’re Italian then you give like $400.
Ok-Journalist7629@reddit
For a non family member not attending the wedding $50 is appropriate.
pawsplay36@reddit
Pick something off the registry. If you can't attend, it's fine to pick something on the lower end. It's better for it to be a little late than a little early, UNLESS they are traveling for their honeymoon, in which case it's usually better for it to be a bit early.
smitheroons@reddit
In the US, you are generally supposed to send a wedding present if you are invited. There are some exceptions of course and your situation certainly sounds like one where a gift would not be expected, though it would certainly be welcome and not weird at all.
You should choose a gift priced within your budget. What people decide to spend on wedding gifts varies wildly. Someone who is close to you will typically get a more expensive gift than a more distant relative or coworker. Some people spend a lot. Others, not so much. Just because one person would spend $100 doesn't mean you have to. I consider weddings to be occasions for "big gifts" and try to get them something nicer than I'd usually give. If their registry has items at various price points, they have done a good job. You can choose one item or multiple at whatever price works for you. Cash is always acceptable too if you would prefer to just send money.
It would also be lovely to send a handwritten card wishing the couple well.
meowmix778@reddit
I give anything from 100 to 500 dollars cash if it's someone I'm close to. If it's not, I'll give them like a 20-60 dollar gift. My wife and I have gone to a few weddings of her co workers or family she's distant to, personally I don't give much to them.
Ok_Jackfruit2612@reddit
I would consider $60 a lot for a new uni graduate in this economy. If you can afford that, that's fine. If you can't, then ANYTHING you can offer will be appreciated. She will just be happy that you thought of her.
Few-Wrongdoer-5296@reddit
That would be completely fine and many would consider it generous. If you are just finishing university feel free to pick the cheapest thing you can find on the registry or just contribute what you can comfortably spare to the fund. I don't know your friend specifically, but I think most of us are pretty grounded and understanding of people's circumstances. I'm sure they'll appreciate the thought and intent more than the price tag.
AnatidaephobiaAnon@reddit
Literally anything on the registry made us happy. One of my coworkers purchased a $5 trivet and gave us a card and I was perfectly happy with it. I still use that thing all the time.
Silly-Shoulder-6257@reddit
Yeah. So much better than random re-gifts that you’ll never use.
superfastmomma@reddit
I still have the salad tongs a struggling friend gifted us twenty years ago and think of her often.
Ornery-Bit-8169@reddit
Exactly, hence the wide variety of price points on their registry.
Few-Wrongdoer-5296@reddit
It would generally be considered rude to only have expensive items on the registry.
Ornery-Bit-8169@reddit
Yep, very inconsiderate.
misagale@reddit
Send $60 in cash via whatever mechanism they offered.
Valvechick@reddit
Get an inexpensive item from the registry, but dont wait long as often the less expensive things are bought early, leaving the more expensive items...
HitPointGamer@reddit
Registry items usually have a broad price range because some people can’t afford much while others are affluent and close to the couple so they are more likely to drop a couple hundred on a gift. Feel free to choose a registry item which fits your budget and send it with your best wishes. I’m certain your friend would be thrilled to be remembered by you on the big day that way, plus to have the reminder every time they use that gift.
Note: please do not buy lots of inexpensive gifts from their registry to “give them a wide variety” because that means other impoverished friends won’t have anything left that they can purchase.
cheekmo_52@reddit
Wedding gifts should always be optional outside of bridal showers (where the whole point is to “shower” the bride with gifts.) However, if you’ve been invited to a wedding it is typical to give a gift. Since you are not actually attending, and consequently not adding to the expense of their wedding in any way, you can choose a gift from their registry that is within your budget, including a donation to their fund, if you like. Or you can send something they didn’t register for but that you know they will like. Or you can send some kind of cash equivalent, like a check or gift card, that will enable them to spend it where it is needed or on things they need but didn’t register for. You would want to send the gift to the home of the bride or groom either in advance of the wedding, or wait and sent it to their home after they return from any planned honeymoon or wedding trip. There are more considerations if you are attending the event, but since you aren’t, you needn’t concern yourself with them.
-Boston-Terrier-@reddit
There's a bit of a hierarchy in what is roughly typical to spend depending on how you're related to the couple. Grandparents and parents are typically expected to give more than co-workers, for example. Where you are in life also matters too. Older, more established people typically give more than younger, less established people. This is all nothing more than a guideline of course and how much you would expect spend as a friend would be dictated by where the reception is, how close of a friend you are, and how into your career you are.
Since you're not even attending the wedding you're not obligated at all to give a gift. If you feel compelled then don't go crazy. A $60 gift off the registry is more than generous.
Phoenix_Court@reddit
Whatever you can afford is fine. Either get an item off the registry, or if they are out of your budget, contribute whatever you can afford to the fund.
TheKiddIncident@reddit
The entire point of the registry is to solve this problem.
The reason why items on the list range in price is because the couple want you to pick one that's in your price range.
By definition, anything on the registry is a "good gift" because that's why it's on the registry.
MoonieNine@reddit
Send something off their registry. Don't worry about choosing the cheapest thing, but at least $20. If there's no registry, then I'd say a gift card to a local restaurant
Brennisth@reddit
Generally speaking, recipients prefer cash to presents. Select an amount in-line with the range of their registry, and send a thoughtful card with well wishes along with the contribution (which is usually done online, to avoid the risk of theft or misplacing of the gift).
Carinyosa99@reddit
Except they have a registry so why have a registry if they only want money?
Brennisth@reddit
Many individuals (particularly more senior, in my experience) prefer giving specific items, so they can be "remembered" when the couple uses that kitchen aid mixer, as opposed to just lumped in with all the people who contributed to the honeymoon fund. It also helps establish guidelines for cash contributions.
Carinyosa99@reddit
But this is a young couple and they probably need actual things.
treznor70@reddit
For people that feel weird giving money, which there are a lot of. With cash, you can purchase items off the registry or anything else that's needed.
Rredhead926@reddit
Fwiw, I absolutely preferred actual gifts to cash.
Premium333@reddit
In college and just after, typical gifts were in the $50 range. We were broke and paying in student loans besides.
As we got older, the gift amount increased, but it's never been more than $100-$150 for a friend, maybe slightly more for a close relative.
Contributing cash to a gift fund can be really appreciated. The stores these registry's are made at will often apply a good discount (20% in my day) to any purchase paid for by this fund, so it can be a major multiplier for the couple who are looking to do the material side of building a life together.
Still, in your situation I would do whatever you are comfortable with around $50 USD. Stick to the registery.
Consistent_Damage885@reddit
Pick anything off the registry that fits your budget and send them a separate card that congratulations and let's them know they should expect something from you off the registry.
thomsenite256@reddit
Its very normal to send a gift or even money whether or not you attend. Typically there are options on the lower end which for most of us would be the $60-$100 options. Bigger ones would be older, wealthier family members usually. That said you can always send another thoughtful gift. Or even just a really nice card or letter if you are not attending.
nclay525@reddit
In my experience, couples set registries up for two kinds of guests: 1. The ones that would rather gift a physical thing (they think money is tacky, they like the idea of the recipient thinking of them when they use the gift, or some other reason), and 2. The ones that have enough money to buy something off there that the couple would have trouble affording or justifying the expense at the time. That's why the prices range from less than $100 to...exorbitant.
That said, it's absolutely not a requirement to buy something off there, especially if you can't afford to. Just send money (whatever you can afford) and a nice card.
ScarletDarkstar@reddit
I think if people are asked to find a standard they will make one up of they have to, but for the most part whatever you decide is appropriate for yourself will be appropriate and acceptable to your friends as well.
I'm one of "those" people who often gift something unique and don't buy a gift from the registry. Only once when a coupon married someone I didn't know at all did I get one comment about not choosing a registered gift. There is a limit to how many longaberger baskets one couple really needs!
Don't worry much about it.
hotlettucediahrrea@reddit
No, that is not strange. A $50-100 price range is reasonable.
famousanonamos@reddit
Cash or something off the registry. Get one of the least expensive things on the registry if you want to send a gift and are on a budget, or just send a nice card of congratulations. I personally don't do gifts for weddings I don't attend, but I probably would if I was really close to them and circumstances just came up preventing me from going.
Mediocre-Oil-5322@reddit
Most Americans aren't especially concerned with custom, or at least not so much that they would fret about a departure from it. If the couple put out a registry, it is perfectly fine to just buy something from the registry. That's what it is there for. But also, everyone will understand if you are just starting out in life and can't comfortably buy someone a $100 or even a $60 gift. The common saying here is that "it's the thought that counts." Any reasonable couple will be happy that you wanted to get them a gift, whatever the cost.
ChapterOk4000@reddit
If you've been invited, it's fine to send a gift even if you don't attend. The nice part about registry is that you're getting them something they probably need, and it will be delivered for you.
revengeappendage@reddit
If they have a registry, pick anything off there and send it to them.
AnatidaephobiaAnon@reddit
And if you buy from the registery make sure you tell the cashier or whomever that it's from a specific registry. We ended up with multiples of a few things from ours because people didn't have it shown as purchased.
timdr18@reddit
And if they don’t have a registry, cash.
porkbuttstuff@reddit
Even if they do have a registry, cash.
Vagablogged@reddit
I mean. That’s not exactly how it works. Pick anything totaling a certain amount. Don’t get the one set of $20 forks.
Positive-Avocado-881@reddit
Nah, a college student sending $20 forks when they aren’t even enjoying the wedding is acceptable
Vagablogged@reddit
Tbh I read they weren’t going after I wrote half of it. But I meant more there’s sometimes items on the registry that are meant to be bought in sets. So buying one of them is kinda silly. But yeah if you’re not going to the wedding anything is nice. Or nothing.
ohrofl@reddit
Wrong. You get what they can afford and they will be fucking happy about it or they can suck a big ol dick.
I didn’t expect a single person to spend a certain amount money on me or my wife to be.
My best man was without a job for a year, if all he could afford was a 20 set of forks on the list that’s a-o-fucking-k
Vagablogged@reddit
Not being able to afford something is different than being able to afford something.
brzantium@reddit
/thread
Rredhead926@reddit
If you're not attending the wedding, it's kind of you to send a gift. You shouldn't feel obligated to do so, but it's also not strange if you do. Whatever you can comfortably afford is fine. When we got married, a lot of our friends were still in college. From them, we got some home made gifts and a picnic blanket, and we liked them just as much or more than the stuff that was on our registry. We still use the picnic blanket and it's been more than 20 years!
Individual_Check_442@reddit
This! I had a good friend at my wedding who didn’t get me a present all - mainly just cause he’s kind of a slacker and just kept procrastinating and then never went. But then we had this wishing wall and posterboard where people wrote messages for us and most people just said something generic like “congratulations happy for you” and this friend wrote a much more personal kind and heartfelt message. 14 years later, I don’t even remember any of the presents i got but I still remember that, so really the person who got me no gift got the best gift.
Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit
My friend hand embroidered napkins for our wedding gift. I treasure them.
Individual_Check_442@reddit
No it wouldn’t be strange to send a gift to a wedding that you’re not attending, and the reason they had a wide range of $60-$400 is so everyone could spend what they feel comfortable with. Get something off the registry at a price you’re comfortable with and they should be totally fine with it and great full
ButItSaysOnline@reddit
$25-$50
Pear_tickle@reddit
There are some cultural pressures around spending levels, but true etiquette says you should give gift you can comfortably afford. As a university student, a small item from the registry is appropriate. If the cheapest item is too expensive, cash or a gift card is acceptable.
It is traditional to also send a card. Since you may have the gift shipped directly from the retailer, it is acceptable to send this separately. A short personal note congratulating them on their wedding would be appropriate. You can write something longer and more personal if you wish.
Traditional_Trust418@reddit
Most people who receive an invite will at least send a gift if they can't attend. If you're just a friend, not a best friend or close family member, then a cheap item under $40 on the registry is more than acceptable
vaginawithteeth1@reddit
Picking something off the registry or sending a card with or money are both totally acceptable and normal if you can’t make it to the wedding. I wouldn’t say it’s “expected” but it’s definitely thoughtful and pretty common especially if you’re close to the person.
qu33nof5pad35@reddit
If you want to get her something personal, you can. This is your friend, so spend however much you’re comfortable spending on her. The registry is an option.
Louisianimal09@reddit
Pick what you personally can afford or what you think is adequate and that’s that. Doesn’t have to be expensive, if it’s on the registry it’s up for grabs
DangerousDave303@reddit
Some people would also be thrilled to get a unique gift from a friend in a foreign country. Unfortunately, the tariff situation can screw that up depending on where you're shipping from. Ordering off the registry or donating to the fund are both acceptable and a very kind gesture.
Leather_Rate_9785@reddit
I live in the Midwest US. Unless this person is immediate family, no way I'm spending over $100. Unless this is a very good friend, $50 is an acceptable amount. The size of the wedding is irrelevant. I know they spend more in other parts of the country where costs are higher. But yeah, I'd send her $50 and call it a day.
rawbface@reddit
The tradition I've heard is that the gift should be around the cost of the plate.
But any reasonable person would not want their loved ones to buy a gift beyond their means, that should be most important for anyone sane.
Most couples have a registry, so you can just pick a gift from the list and buy it for them.
ScatterTheReeds@reddit
Click on something on that registry, and have them ship it to your friend. There’s no other special etiquette if you’re not attending the wedding.
WasabiChickpea@reddit
You can certainly choose a gift from the registry even if you are not able to attend. You may want to include a note, if possible, expressing your happy wishes for their marriage and the regret that you cannot be there in person.
Honestly, if your friend knows you're a student they shouldn't expect you to spend an extravagant amount on the gift. Pick something in your budget. If you can't afford the registered gifts, then a nice card with a gift card to the store could work well.
Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit
That's perfectly okay to send a gift if you can't make it. My friends who couldn't make my wedding also sent cards with a personal note. You can contribute whatever you can afford. I don't think anybody reasonable expects more than $50 from a college student. If they have something on their registry that's below that, just get them that.
Sl1z@reddit
In general if you’re not attending you’re not expected to give a gift, but it’s nice if you want to. It’s definitely not unusual to send a gift even if you’re not attending!
Since you’re young and in university, I wouldn’t expect anything at all, so I’m sure they’ll be happy with whatever you want to send. I’d say $50-100 is standard in my area, but $20-30 would also be good if $50 is too much for your budget.
If you have other friends who are in the same situation, you could perhaps split the cost of one of the lower cost registry items.
LankyJeep@reddit
You are usually expected to gift something the value of your plate, so if your plate is roughly 100 dollars a person and you and your spouse attend it is pretty standard to give a gift equal to about 200 bucks in value.
This isn’t a hard rule but is very common and it’s looked at poorly if you attend a nice wedding and gift a small amount
Aggressive_Ad_5454@reddit
Certainly not strange! Generous, yes, strange no.
The cool thing about this peculiar registry custom is you can give the couple something they’ll use every day. It seems like crass commercialism, but there’s in it a way to express your enduring support for this new pair.
Carinyosa99@reddit
I would get something from the registry, especially since they're younger. A gift isn't automatically expected from someone who cannot attend, but it is nice to receive one because it shows you are thinking of them even though you can't be there to celebrate. Some people do just send money.
Since you won't be there, I would probably go with something under $100. Since you are a university student, it wouldn't be expected that you would spend a huge amount of money.
OrthodoxAnarchoMom@reddit
Send a present if you would attend were it possible. The budget takes in account your budget and the closeness of the friendship.
Any of the convoluted rules would revolve around not sending presents but it sounds like you want to send one.
lizardmon@reddit
It's not strange to send a gift if you can't attend. Price depends on how close you are and what they mean to you. $50 would likely be the bare minimum, suitable for an acquaintance or work colleague. Most friends and distance family would spend \~$100. More if you have a close or long relationship. Actual heartfelt gifts can be more meaningful and valuable though then simple cash or picking something off of their registry.
anonymouse278@reddit
It's very normal here to send a wedding present if you can't attend (not required to do so, but a common thing, and especially appropriate if you want to be clear that you support them and just really couldn't make it). It will not be seen as strange at all.
asteriskelipses@reddit
Just go w the registry
ThePermMustWait@reddit
I think in this circumstance a small gift from their registry would be thoughtful.
MonsieurRuffles@reddit
It would not be strange to send a gift and you should spend no more than you can afford. A good friend should not think any less of you for sending a modest thoughtful wedding present when you’re still attending school. (And if they do think less of you, then they don’t deserve a present at all.)
gbotts621@reddit
If they have a registry, I would choose something from there that you can afford. They will usually send it directly to them so you don't have to worry about shipping it. If it's on Amazon, you can even put a message for them. That's what I would do.
Curmudgy@reddit
It would not be strange given your affection for your friend.
The prices available in the registry should be a good guiidline for you. Feel free to choose one of the less expensive items or just contributing a similar amount to the fund. They’ll be grateful that you thought enough of them to send a gift when you couldn’t attend. Send a separate card or letter expressing your regrets that you couldn’t actually attend and wishing them the best.
as1126@reddit
Cash cash cash.
LastCookie3448@reddit
Old school rule of thumb for your typical western family: one year window to give gifts, if you attend the wedding the gift is “supposed to” be somewhat equivalent to the assumed cost per person (problematic when your friends are loaded and you’re not), and the couple is expected to send personalized thank you notes within three months (enough time to honeymoon, set up a new home, etc).
HermioneMarch@reddit
Send what you can afford. If it’s on the registry they have picked it out so they will like it. But cash gifts are great too!
Dangerous-Variation@reddit
Check their registry. They should have gifts in every price range on there. Generally speaking, you give them something for their life together. I tend to do dining table center pieces because no one ever thinks about those and always ends up with some weird conglomeration of stuff. You can get a cool looking decorative bowl and some artificial lemons that look realistic for a reasonable price and those look good on just about every table.
Wallawalla1522@reddit
If you're not attending there is no expectation. Anything you give will be appreciated.
The "traditional gift" is supposed to cover the appx cost of your seat at the wedding.
I'd reccomend writing a card as well. Of all the gifts I remember receiving, I remeber the heartfelt cards the most.
GSilky@reddit
New couples starting out would be expected to register what they need to start a new household online, or with various stores they prefer. There is also a trend for less traditional marriages, like second ones or between established couples, to donate for a honeymoon, at least around here.