Should I not be asking my adult kids to pay rent?
Posted by ProfessionalCamel110@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 823 comments
[removed]
Posted by ProfessionalCamel110@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 823 comments
[removed]
Proof-Order2666@reddit
Change the Wi-Fi password £10 a month. I am sure you can think of many others.
throwawayra202407@reddit
For crying out loud, if he's not happy paying £100 per month he can move out and pay £600 -1000+ instead (depending on where you live). Don't be a soft touch OP, you're not being unreasonable. If he tries that "Didn't ask to be born" nonsense tell him to grow up and stop with the manipulative BS.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but he's an adult and will one day be out in the real world on his own. Coddling him doesn't do him any good or prepare him to stand on his own two feet.
Tempestfox3@reddit
As soon as I turned 18 I had to pay £450 a month in rent. Kid needs a reality check
PixaaTog@reddit
Not hash just truthful.
£100 a month is nothing, I know it was said that he wasn’t there much in the month, well let’s say he’s there just 10 days out of a month, that’s £10 a day and he’s complaining.
Sounds like he needs a reality check and is very lucky you’re not charging him more.
BabyAlibi@reddit
In the words of judge Judy "if his stuff is there, he is there"
anunkneemouse@reddit
Fr when I was at home and working, I paid 1/3 of my takehome in rent for my bedroom 🥲 granted that's some bs, but £100 a month is basically nothing when minimum wage is like £2k a month full time.
Personally I'm aiming to not charge my kids at all when they come of age, but seriously £100 is basically just helping with half a week of groceries for the family...
Fun-Top-1799@reddit
If this is related to the older kids not paying it's a bit shirty. Household circumstances change and I think you'd have to be a selfish little twit not to want to contribute. And £100 is absolutely nothing. Perhaps he needs a wake up - show him the bills and how his £100 would barely cover the energy he uses for showers/clothes washing, let alone anything else
PixaaTog@reddit
This is what we did with our daughter…..
Actually budgeted up all the bills and said look “this is what it costs to run the house for a month”………….your contribution of £500 a month is around a 1/4 of all that, and when she realised she was fine with it and realises she’s actually on a good crack with what she pays.
She hasn’t complained since 👍🏻
And as I’ve said elsewhere we kinda of said that her “keep” is being kept really low to give her the opportunity to put money into savings for a house deposit, and she’s saving £800 a month and still having plenty left over to spend on luxuries and socialising etc.
zabbenw@reddit
jesus how are your bills so high?
Useful_Cow_5679@reddit
You think £1250 for groceries and utilities for 5 people is…… high? Where do you live to have a cost of living so low?🤣
No_Information1030@reddit
£1250 a month for food and bills for 5 is average, I don’t know what you mean?
zabbenw@reddit
500 x 4 is 2000
zipitdirtbag@reddit
They said 'all the bills so I would guess that means everything.
NaomiT29@reddit
Some houses are just less energy efficient. I live in a 2 bed Victorian terrace and our combined gas and electricity bills are about £115 a month on DD, though that of course balances out across the year.
If we let the house get cold enough that the bricks lose all retained heat, warming it back up again is a nightmare because they just suck it all out first, and that's also a surefire way to let damp seep in, but at the same time we need to make sure there is enough ventilation to prevent damp and mould from excess moisture in the air. When the house was built that wouldn't have been a problem, with fireplaces in every room, single glazed windows, and breathable plaster on the walls. With modern plaster and paint, radiators, and double-glazing, it's an absolute pain in the arse! We have to have the heating on if it gets cold, but we also have to make sure there is enough air circulation at the same time, which inevitably leads to heat loss.
Albert_Herring@reddit
4-bed 1890s detached house, single skin walls, £300 a month give or take. The rent is cheap, though ...
crankyandhangry@reddit
It probably includes rent/mortgage.
zabbenw@reddit
yes, in my head bills are like utilities
PixaaTog@reddit
Probably just having decent jobs and not being on the breadline……..but I’m not here to justify what I spend to anyone. What’s high to you, obviously isn’t to me.
BagheeraLondon@reddit
Superb response!
Organic_Reporter@reddit
I did exactly this. Sat down and worked out food+bills (didn't include our rent payment) and divided by 5 (about £250) to get what eldest pays as his contribution. Then I knocked a bit off because he's trying to pay off a credit card (car insurance) and save for a deposit, so actually £200 a month. He has a lot more disposable income than we do!
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
Agree. When I was 19 I've contributed a lot towards food, essentials, helping to cover the bills for my brother like his days out etc.
But then my mother and my stepfather got into a massive debt due to horrific job market and I helped to pay off more than 1000£ of debt to prevent them from getting up to neck in interest.
Circumstances change and it's clear as day poor OP is aching from the fact that she has to even ask her sons for money. She didn't ask to be in this situation.
She must be dealing with a lot of emotional distress that's not even related to money in first place. That's already shit. Compared to that £100 is absolutely nothing.
If I saw my mother disabled and struggling + coping with the loss of her father I can't imagine for my life to ask not to pay measly £100
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
OP says she doesn't need the money.
thereyougothen@reddit
My guess is, like a lot of mothers, she doesn’t need it in the sense that she won’t starve without it, but I bet she’s not doing a lot for her own comfort while making sure her kids have everything they need.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Her kids pay for all their own clothes and much of their food. She doesn't cook or do laundry for them either. I don't think she should, but I really don't think this is a case of spoiled kids given everything to them.
thereyougothen@reddit
All I was saying was the fact that the mum says she doesn’t “need” the money is just typical mum-speak for I will sacrifice all for my spawn.
I was making no judgement either way about the spawn’s behaviour, rent, or shititude.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
She either needs it or she doesn't. Another matter is if it would make her life easier.
Tequilasquirrel@reddit
Right, he sounds like an entitled little shit with the whole I didn’t ask to be born thing, to justify it too.
No_Information1030@reddit
I would seriously laugh in my child face if he said this to me.. these kids 😆
matureebonysuckles@reddit
This lack of empathy is what astounds me.
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Necessary_Roll_114@reddit
I agree with your sentiment but not your example. We had a 4 bed house up until end of December, 3 stories and the whole gas and electric bill was less than £45 a month. What he needs to hear is he's a lucky lad that his mum only charges him £100. Even the cheapest b&b would charge him £30 a night just for the bed. I wish I could pay £100 a month, that would be a dream.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
100% agree with you.
My mum was a single parent and when I started working she asked for a nominal amount to contribute towards essentials, she passed away in my very early 20s and my stepdad forced me out of family home by selling it and moving overseas.
This guy is very lucky he has a mum looking out for him
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It's not "very lucky" not to be thrown out of the house at 18. That's a normal parent duty.
taskkill-IM@reddit
Being a good parent should be rewarded by your kids being good to you as well... parents shouldn't have to ask for their adult children to contribute to bills, it should be the children's duty to be a good son/daughter and help their parents as much as their parents help them.
OldishWench@reddit
Yes, until adulthood. He's over 18 and needs to pay his way.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Hope you don't have children. Being a decent parent doesn't mean doing the bare legal minimum.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
If he isn't there much during the month when the question is - who is doing all the household tasks, admin for paying the bills and cooking? Sounds to me he is just living a normal teenage life = work + friends without any other responsibilities so he doesn't quite understand how much work it takes to actually sustain a household. He's 18,not 14 so should start learning this now
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
OP says she doesn't cook. He either eats snacks or cooks his own food. He does his own laundry. She's doing the normal admin for her own life, her child isn't responsible for that. No 18 year old has a massive burden of running a household. If they move out it's to a grubby shared place, not a four bedroom house with perfect routines.
blueroses8000@reddit
The not being there logic doesn’t make much sense, that’s still his home he can walk into and use everything of any time including if he started spending 24/7 there from tomorrow, and I assume he has a whole room dedicated to him.
fickle_tartan@reddit
Storage for all his stuff too, and I'm assuming when he is home he's still using water and electricity etc.
zipitdirtbag@reddit
Great point. OP should show him the prices for some storage units. It would be more than he is paying.
getoutmywayatonce@reddit
Yeah fair point on the storage, was paying about £92 per month for the smallest size unit a couple of years back! Would’ve happily paid my disabled mum an extra 8 squid for all the rest of the comforts of keeping my childhood bedroom that I still do use lol
vandaleyes89@reddit
I went on holiday for an entire month once. Do you think my mortgage company cared that I wasn't there?
NaomiT29@reddit
This is one of the things that really winds me up with most benefits; you're supposed to tell them if you're away for more than a week, even if that's because you're in hospital. As if landlords, mortgage lenders, and utilities providers just let you off the hook whenever you're not at home!
blueroses8000@reddit
Don’t forget to also tell them you didn’t ask to be born if they say you still have to pay.
MillyHughes@reddit
Exactly. Years ago I had a two bedroom flat and struggled to pay my bills so got a lodger. After a while my lodger tried to negotiate a lower rate as he often wasn't there. I obviously said no. That he pays for the room to be available to him when he wants to be there not just for when he stays.
blueroses8000@reddit
Yeah the idea that having a place of your own can be paid for on a “as and when I’m there” basis is absurd. It’s not a hotel room, you pay to have it be your own, hold all your stuff and the very luxury of being able to come and go.
GamerChikx@reddit
This is like asking the landlord to lower their rent because they're not there much, but not let anyone else use the property. When you rent, its for the exclusive use of your room and communal areas of said house or flat. £100 a month is literally nothing at all and shes based it on age and how much they get wages wise, which is fair. I'd be saying to find somewhere else and work out their own bills then. See how they like paying £800+ a month for the basics like rent, water, council tax, electricity/gas etc. Not including food, travel and subscriptions like Netflix or TV license either.
blueroses8000@reddit
And OP could literally rent the room to someone else instead for a normal price and make a small fortune for themselves compared to the £100 and for saving the deposit for the son himself.
PixaaTog@reddit
I might be tempted to tell him that it’s £25 a day for each day that he is there, see how he likes that 😉
zipitdirtbag@reddit
It sounds like he's treating your home like a hotel*.
But hotels aren't free! Tell him he's free to go to a hotel if he prefers to.
*this is what my mum used to say to us if we were out a lot as teenagers 😊
Altruistic-Nerve4180@reddit
Honestly I'm shocked OP is getting £300 off TWO adult children.
When I lived with my folks I was paying £400 every month and this was when I was 19 doing 32.5hrs.
They didn't even break it down for me I just had assumed that £100 a week made sense considering they paid for everything before that.
Sutraner@reddit
I was paying £300 at my dad's in what like 2013 on a salary that would be well below minimum wage nowadays though it was alright back then
And I was happy it was so low
getoutmywayatonce@reddit
I know every family is different but I’d hope that me and three other 18+ year old siblings could come up with a fair split to send our disabled, widowed mum a couple of hundred quid per month for herself regardless of whether we lived at home full time/at all! Sounds like even £100 to keep per month would be useful to OP considering the plan is to give the current contributions back… I don’t even want to be within 100 miles of my own mum lol but I’d send her that myself if that was her situation, and I’m far from rolling in it.
But alas, cultural and individual values vary and not everyone’s circumstances permit this which I also appreciate. The post still came across as quite upsetting though.
Altruistic-Nerve4180@reddit
Completely agree there. Its your mother, she loved and cared for you and sacrificed so much just for you to bite the hand later.
I remember back when I got kicked out of my parents because we had a huge argument and I stayed with my friend and his family, when I asked about what I could pay towards the bills and stuff they looked entirely shocked when I offered £300 a month and said "We only make the boys pay £10 a week". Like what?
pb-86@reddit
I opened this thread to see what the going rate for 'keep' was these days, given that in 2005 I was working minimum wage and paying my parents £200 a month (which, despite both parents working, they kept. No issue from me, just think it's incredibly nice of OP to give the money back).
He sounds like the classic 18 year old who is now an adult and therefore has an incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom. Like most of us were tbf
No_Jump2573@reddit
I paid £200 in 2006 for the two years I lived at home and never got a penny of it back either! Absolute bargain even then when it was about 25% of my monthly earnings!
pb-86@reddit
I started getting charged for it when I moved home after uni, the rent for my room there was £300pm then bills on top took it over £400. So I saw it as half price really. It did annoy me slightly when my parents went on holiday and specifically told me I had paid for it, cheeky bastards haha
And yeah, was about 25% of my wages think I was taking home around £800 a month at morrisons. And because I was wise and knowledgeable I got a car on finance for another £200 a month. Man I was an idiot
No_Jump2573@reddit
Me too - I moved back after uni, thought i'd get a great paying job (wrong!), got a rubbish job earning £11k (about £800 a month) and paid £200 for my room. That did include food though. I got a car loan too! I was such a plonker thinking I needed a posh car (well it seemed posh!) for my new graduate lifestyle! I love that your parents told you that!
pb-86@reddit
Yeah I had a gold punto for 9 months and had the brilliant idea to finance a Citroën that was all blacked out with a body kit and everything. I really thought that was a good move at the time. After insurance and everything I was left with less than £300 a month and somehow I still had enough to go out every weekend. I did a lot of growing up in my mid twenties! Took me a long time to pluck up the courage to go back to uni and chase a career I actually wanted and to be fair my parents let me off with paying keep whilst I was qualifying (admittedly I was spending 5 nights a week at my gf's (now wife's) house)
I doubt I'd ever charge my kids keep, and if I did I'd probably invest it and sign the account over to them for a house. Suspect at least one of my kids will be out of here young (in a good way)
Relative_Standard_69@reddit
Yeah there’s no way I would charge my kids rent. However I don’t judge others that do. You have every right to charge them if they are benefiting from it… so personally I wouldn’t charge my son rent, so technically I’d be doing something similar like “I’ve opened you an icer account, please deposit £150 a month for all the months you live here, and then you can have access to that money when you leave”. So I guess that’s the same thing as what you’ve suggested, it’s just I’ve not called that payment rent.
No_Jump2573@reddit
My friend had a black Citroen with blacked out windows and I thought it was so cool! Yep, I was out every weekend and spent two years in my graduate overdraft because it just seemed totally normal! I think it's nice to help your kids out if they don't take it for granted and are willing to pay keep, but if mine expected it back then I wouldn't bother.
Relative_Standard_69@reddit
Yes I haven’t ever heard of this, requesting money and then keeping it to return when they need it for a house… OP could actually do a lot with that £300 a month from her sons. If I was her I wouldn’t be saving up for him, I’d be using the money to live more comfortably.
If I was OP I would suggest showing him the actual cost of things (mortgage/rent, bills, food shop) and then state that £100 is the cost for the month to get a room. And if he doesn’t want to pay that’s fine! But he will have to move out (and I’d probably lie and say that I am considering renting out his bedroom, so that I could get more money). He will be furious and shocked that you’d be willing to kick him out, and be fuming when he realises how expensive the world is. And he would come begging back for a room that’s £100
Relative_Standard_69@reddit
The fact that OP is disabled, on benefits, unable to work and is widowed and struggling; whilst her kids complain about helping their mother that I assume they love and care for… is awful to me. If my mother was disabled, unemployed and grieving - the first thing I’d be doing would be to step up and help her more financially.
I hope OP doesn’t give him a single penny… spend that money you have saved now (or use it for your monthly costs like rent, so if you have like 2 grand saved, just use that money to pay for the next month of rent
rustynoodle3891@reddit
I'm pretty sure I gave my mum more than that from my first ever pay cheque. Fortnightly pay from Mcdonald's while I was still at school. I did a lot of hours, to the point the school complained it was too much. To this day I have no idea how they knew. This was around 2000.
Give him a slap around the face. And if he rents he has to pay for every day not just when he is there. It's a little thing called security. And respect, which he seems to be lacking.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
But it's not contributing, OP is saying they'll give it back to him. But he's already saving by himself and likely wants to move out, hence the saving.
It sounds like he doesn't trust OP and wants to get out of there.
ExcitementKooky418@reddit
Also have to assume he doesn't take all his wordly possessions with him in a bundle on his shoulder when he's off visiting friends.
I'd also question how much he is spending in travel to visit friends and food and entertainment while doing so.
Sure, he didn't ask to be born, but OP didn't ask to be disabled and widowed either. It's a shitty situation, and I'm sure the job market for both their ages is probably dogshit, but they really need to be putting in more effort finding more work and paying their way.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
An 18 year old working part time is likely to end up homeless, nobody will rent to him.
ajb_mt@reddit
Sounds like time to get a full time job then...
Considering he's spending most of his time staying with friends in other cities, it sounds a lot like his priorities are in the wrong place. Not the parents' job to give him special treatment if he doesn't want to work as hard.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
She explained why he can't find full time work, he can't drive. In any case even full time on minimum wage isn't enough to find somewhere to live in most places. He's probably spending time with friends because they live far from everything.
And yes, it's literally the parents' job to give their own children special treatment. If she wants him to work harder and earn more maybe she should think about how to support and guide him to do that. With no driving licence or qualifications he's going to struggle.
ajb_mt@reddit
He can travel to see friends, but he can't commute to a job? Seems pretty much a no brainer that if you live that remotely then you should already be learning to drive. Or get two part time jobs until you can work full time. Or find a job that lets you work remotely.
I'm saying this very aware that I have a nearly 30 year old younger brother who's still unable to drive, still working part time, still mooching off our parents. Because why would he try when he's living the easy life? Coddling doesn't teach people independence.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
What remote job employs school leavers? He's looking for more work, it doesn't always just happen. And maybe that's what he wants the money for, to learn to drive and save for a car. Doing all that on minimum wage with no parental support to practice driving is incredibly difficult.
zipitdirtbag@reddit
All the more reason he should realise how lucky he is now.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I hope none of you are parents. Imagine telling an 18 year old to feel lucky they're not homeless. Housing your child is the bare minimum responsibility of a parent.
zipitdirtbag@reddit
He is an adult, who is currently being housed not homeless.
Nothing wrong with pointing out to someone (who is complaining of being treated unfairly) that there are others far less fortunate than them.
UTV4LIFE@reddit
This is the English culture right here and why most families are broke. Making your children pay rent is ridiculous. They aren’t here to serve you. You had children to help them thrive not to help you survive. If you look at other cultures families stay together and are t not charging each other rent. It’s just a western thing. Then they complain about the rent/ mortgage prices when living alone cause their parents won’t can’t afford to help them.
Apart_Stretch2225@reddit
You're chatting absolute bollocks here.
If OP was Thai, she'd quit work and have her kids pay the whole rent.
If OP was Filipino, they'd believe in utang na loob, and the kids would be sending money regardless of whether they lived there.
It's similar across the world, you never worked with Nigerians who give their parents part of their salary? Or the middle east?
UTV4LIFE@reddit
I’m feeling attacked. Reported
UTV4LIFE@reddit
Yeah but it is when they swear at me. Mods aren’t supposed to be dictators and pick and choose when they feel like something is abusive. Sounds like you need a new mod
AskUK-ModTeam@reddit
Don't abuse the report button. It's not a "I disagree with this person" button.
Jonny_rhodes@reddit
Wow the lack of people even considering the lads mental health state and all deciding he’s just manipulative… Maybe he doesn’t stay there much because of trauma from the parents, who knows But if he barely stays there’s says things that sound very depressing and potentially suicidal pushing him away and demanding money isn’t gonna help But you did you hey
Apart_Stretch2225@reddit
What the fuck are you talking about.
Two-Theories@reddit
It doesn't make sense to me to ask for a contribution with the stated plan to give it back in a lump sum. Some parents surprise their kids because the kids didn't know that was the plan, but once they do know, the 0% interest savings account of the bank of mum(&dad) isn't a good use for the money. Especially in OP's son's case, he's already a good saver, and isn't a reckless spender, so this exercise isn't teaching him financial responsibility, which other kids may need.
if the plan was to keep the money for bills etc, £100 is a reasonable contribution to the household given OP's changed circumstances and I don't think the son's arguments about how much time he spends there etchold water because the point is that he could be there every day, and he is a member of the household and OP's circumstances mean all working adults living there needs to pitch in
ajb_mt@reddit
By saving the money herself she can guarantee that amount does get saved for those purposes rather than the kids deprioritising a move-out fund, seeing as they already have such a cushy life. In the process it incentivises the journey towards being independent.
My younger brother is nearing 30, still lives with our parents, still working part time, paying a tiny amount. Like the younger sibling in OP's post, he paid less than I did when I lived there, because he didn't want to get a full time job.
He was paying literally nothing at one point because he promised he'd use that money to save up and move out. But he didn't, because let's face it, because it's cheaper and easier to mooch off of parents forever.
Two-Theories@reddit
Incentivising moving out! I hadn't thought of the failure to launch scenario, thank you. From recollection, statistics show more adult sons live at home and for much longer than adult daughters in western countries with it being explained that daughters are subject to more "house rules" e.g. no overnight guests of the opposite sex, more chores, greater contribution to the household, etc and having to share their plans when they go out and check in more frequently etc. which makes living independently much more attractive as the difference in cost for a house share or flat is less significant but the gains in independence are huge
ThisIsMyRedditAcct20@reddit
I’d be charging £600, and be putting £300 into a stock account, but not tell him. Was dropping £3k a month in Kensington. £100 is tiny, and need to get him in in mindset
No_Information1030@reddit
Completely agree. Tell him to move in with the helpful sibling who re-enforced the shitty “didn’t ask to born” pity party crap.. young people are entitled, I know I certainly would have tried this when I was younger.. it’s still your job to show him the correct way, they correct way in this instance is to pay your way.. £23 a week is buttons, I was paying that 25 years ago. Not wrong, he should be grateful you’re saving it for him x
Sgt_major_dodgy@reddit
I remember paying £200pm and thinking I was paying too much.
Ended up moving out to a terraced house and paid £350 for an entire house.
Now me and my fiance pay £1800 between us per month.
Looking back £200 was a fucking steal, that also included food etc.
BabaYagasDopple@reddit
Yeah right. OP didn’t ask to become disabled or widowed but he’s sure as hell getting on with it. £100 a month is more than reasonable.
kipha01@reddit
Yup this...
EyeAlternative1664@reddit
Nothing more to add to this really except spot on. Houses ain’t free.
Dramatic-Ad-4485@reddit
This is the correct answer......
Dramatic-Ad-4485@reddit
Not only that but he doesn't have a god given right to get the money back he's paid you to have a clean and comfortable life....
Illustrious_Diver497@reddit
Yeah £100 p/m is a steal. Parents charged me £400 soon as I left education.
London-Reza@reddit
He’s literally been an adult for 12 months or less if he’s 18, give the lad a break. It sounds like a dream 18 year old compared to others. I know many people in their 20s living at home rent free when unemployed / minimum wage.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
OP is trying to maintain good relationships with her sons which is admirable. A lot of people would just tell the son to bugger off in her position. Totally agree though. 100£ is not a lot and I couldnt see anywhere in the post her mentioning that he cleans the house /does anything else apart from laundry
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Internet-Dick-Joke@reddit
That £600 would probably be for a HMO.
First-Act-8752@reddit
Before bills as well, which he doesn't currently contribute towards.
Lemon-Flower-744@reddit
I always think that argument of "I didn't ask to be born" so funny.
Because I'd be like "my mistake, I thought you were the quickest sperm to my egg...." or vice verser.
I've said that to a few colleagues of mine which sometimes gets a few laughs, I know there's more to it than that but still, you get my point.
PristineKoala3035@reddit
Yes your point is homunculus theory
International_Tax642@reddit
Ur cool
spikewilliams2@reddit
And good luck finding a landlord who will reduce never mind waive rent because you visit friends.
Spider_Boyo@reddit
It's all perfectly reasonable, 23M here, not moving any time soon, £200 a month is just fine
Shot-Disk5958@reddit
Well said. Renting will cost him more especially in the city. Let him learn his lesson OP.
kavik2022@reddit
Deffo. 100-200 sounds completely reasonable.
On the 'ask to be born'. OP could tell them if he feels that way a long jump off a shallow pier is a cheaper option if he wants to save money (/s) obviously lol
PepperySquirrel@reddit
‘Didn’t ask to be born’ argument lasts until they’re 18. After that they should pay rent unless they’re studying.
shain-7@reddit
My g 😎
InitiativeConscious7@reddit
10 years ago I paid 250, 100 is nothing
KeepMyselfAwake@reddit
I paid £300ish I think when I entered full time work and was still living at home. My parents put it up £50 a year until I moved out, and are not well off. When I moved in eventually with a partner a few years later into a houseshare I ended up paying about that anyway but living with friends! I think the thing of saving it up for your kids is nice in practice if the parents are comfortable, but bills, rent etc are so costly these days. £100 is not a big ask. As someone else pointed out that's not even the cost of council tax alone.
DreamsComeTrue1994@reddit
My parents would never ask me to pay anything for me to live in “our” home. I was raised with the principle that we are a family and everything we have is ours. They would never ever ask for rent for me to be in our/my home.
Having said that, and because I was raised this way, there is no chance that I am earning money, my single parent cannot afford sustaining themselves due to ill health, and me not volunteering to pay as much as I can to help them out.
We are a family and this goes both ways.
BabyAlibi@reddit
You're so lucky. I was raised under the "I brought you into the world, I can take you out of it" rule
ReactionCreepy428@reddit
Yep the culture differences are interesting! My family is British and come from a long line of pay-your-way thinking. Most of my friends are from different cultures, and none of them pays anything to live at home. That being said, I think more will be expected of them in regard to caring for elderly parents.
Not saying one way is better than the other, but I don't think I will charge my children rent.
Agree with that if the parents are struggling financially, working children should definitely help.
No_Information1030@reddit
Our way is better (uk)
Important-Gur-3322@reddit
I see values that align with my own definition of family, yet more often than not, I don’t understand how the British define family—they treat each other like mere acquaintances, or even worse than how my close friends treat me. Of course, it could also be because I simply hold traditional Chinese family values.
Pictavia@reddit
Yeah, I feel this is a difference in culture. As a Chinese person born in Scotland, it never crossed my mind to not pay my parents anything if I'm still living at home and working a full time job.
MermaidPigeon@reddit
British white here, completely agree. I think we are one of the only country’s, other than America, to put our parents in homes.
Ok_Loss_3204@reddit
you might want to rethink that
maevewiley554@reddit
If you work in a nursing home, majority of residents have dementia, other illnesses that affects cognitive impairment and quite severe or often debilitating physical illnesses. Unless you can afford to stay at home 24/7 in some cases, being put in a nursing home is a last resort.
IndependentWay9414@reddit
Every single country in the world has old peoples homes, I'm guessing you don't have much knowledge of other cultures?
perksofbeingcrafty@reddit
As another Chinese person I can tell you with 100% confidence that China has the worlds largest number of old people in retirement homes
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
Yeah agree, think it’s a British thing to be so harsh. Everyone I know would be shocked to hear of people making their children pay them to live in their house, but we all come from immigrant families who have community and actual family values.
Mundo7@reddit
“actual family values” 😂😂 get over yourself
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
Hit a nerve eh
Mundo7@reddit
yeah, thinking you're actually better than others
thecheesycheeselover@reddit
You might be right, but it also depends on different types of native communities as well, I think. Nobody I know socially or in my family had to pay rent to live with their parents once they became adults. Them being welcome was just a fact, just like them being respectful to parents about the whole thing was also the norm. I don’t know that kind of information about colleagues, though.
I try not to be judgemental, but it’s hard when you’re so used to your own set of experiences. I know I would have been hurt to be asked for rent at 18, you just take it for granted that your parents love having you around. The world might be harsh once you’re an adult but that doesn’t mean your family has to be.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
I always hate these threads because they are always full of people equating living with your parents from the second you turn 18 to renting from a landlord, and 'teaching them a lesson' that in the 'real world' you have to pay an extortionate amount of money each month to exist.
Instead of letting them live there, save up for a deposit, and avoid giving all their money to a landlord, which is the biggest possible leg up you could give any young person in this country.
The UK has a bit of a reputation for not liking or being cold towards their kids and it always seems that way in threads like this. OP is the one who signed up to be a parent, and that doesn't stop at 18.
Mundo7@reddit
you can also love your family and be struggling financially, you knw
thecheesycheeselover@reddit
That’s a very good point, and I agree that it’s different when parents really need the money.
Outside-Magician8810@reddit
My friends from different backgrounds were shocked that I paidt parents rent whilst I lived there (working a job & caring for a parent pt)
Daydreamer-64@reddit
My family will always be there for me. They will always be a support system and they are people I know I can trust no matter what.
But independence and living as an individual is also a major part of British culture. It’s why it is common to move out at 18, very uncommon to live with family for your whole life, and people are often embarrassed to live off their parents or want to build their lives entirely from what they’ve earned. The concept of “paying your own way in life” is a respectable and honourable thing (although most people wouldn’t use that language to describe it, I think it’s an apt description) and being reliant on others is seen as embarrassing.
A large part of the job my parents see for themselves is teaching me how to be independent and not making me reliant on them. That is why, after leaving school, my options were to move out or to stay at home and pay rent (which would have been well below market rate). Paying rent is part of being an adult, and they don’t want me to be able to avoid that just because I live at home.
I did move out and I live independently, but if I lost my job tomorrow and had no income, of course they would let me stay with them without rent. They would support me until I was able to support myself. What they wouldn’t do is let me move back in and make no effort at all to get back on my feet and find a new job. They want me to be able to support myself, because that is how we determine if someone is doing well in life.
Just because we have a different attitude to what raising children should look like and what a good life looks like, doesn’t mean we treat our family like acquaintances.
PsychologicalLayer57@reddit
Different cultures often have different norms for good reason. Many parents can't afford to fully support adult children, because the UK benefits system has payments abruptly stop when children reach 18 and finish secondary school. It assumes that ablebodied adult children will work and contribute to household expenses, and if your household finances depend on this money you can't afford for your children to not contribute. There can also be issues with young adult children not respecting the family home or "failing to launch" when indefinitely supported at home which are less common in other cultures, and where a financial contribution can be a valid and helpful form of tough love.
Tl;Dr different cultures have different norms because they have different pressures and problems.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Those people from different cultures who have answered here also live in the UK and have the same pressures.
GustappyTony@reddit
It can often feel transactional once you reach a certain age, and sadly the process sorta just keeps repeating because thats how people are raised. Older generations also had the luxury to move out earlier than younger generations, so theres already an expectation to do the same thing, even though the market makes that almost impossible.
It definitley hurts however when seeing how close families are in other cultures around the world. Its not to say every family is the same mind you, but I would imagine most British people will have similar experiences.
Fabulous_Jellyfish71@reddit
Welsh person here and yeah, that last paragraph hit a little close to home :(
eeu914@reddit
This could go both ways, is it wrong to charge your children rent, or is it wrong to not pay your parents rent.
I think it's cold and ineffective to charge your child rent, if you can avoid it. They want to save up money to be able to afford a deposit so they can get on the property ladder. They don't want to be pushed out of their family home to enter the dead-end of renting, which charging rent through "it's only fair" principles will cause.
So many of my friends had to escape their home, out of single parent households, because they were being pushed out. Those parents chose to have children, and wanted them out of their house at 18 when their legal obligations stopped.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
That’s a very unfair generalisation. What source have you for that? Utter bollocks
Resident_Revenue6401@reddit
I wish my mum was wealthy enough for this but unfortunately we'd be homeless.
DreamsComeTrue1994@reddit
I grew up in a poor family. There were times when I was growing up when my parents would eat just some lentils because they could only afford one portion of meat and they wanted their kid to have it (I only realised this much later). Things were not easy, but being a parent involves doing sacrifices for your children, and i was raised to believe that this doesn’t stop at an arbitrary age.
On the other hand, I was raised being shown in every aspect of life that we are a family, and we love each other, and we as individuals should always strive to do the best for the people we love and call family. When I was 18 and started working i volunteered to contribute towards the expenses. I started paying a couple of the bills and a couple of the supermarket runs every month. No one asked. But since I could contribute and help my parents out, it was a no brainer.
Labelling this as rent makes it transactional and what we have doesn’t come near to that. We as a family always help each other without waiting for anything back. We just want to make each other’s lives a bit easier.
When I found a great job and moved away from my family home, I kept paying the bills I was paying before cause I knew that even if I wasn’t there anymore my parents would still struggle. And I could afford it, and seeing my parents not struggling as much worth more to me than a new shiny item every other month.
The British way feels more cold and transactional and I am not saying that in a judgemental way, but as an observation.
turbo_dude@reddit
If you’re an adult who has completed any full time education then if you’re able to work you should work and contribute.
It’s called being an adult and taking responsibility.
Blayd9@reddit
Same culture that prefers to put their parents in a home rather than look after them. I could never imagine either parent asking me for rent at any age. Likewise if either parent needed somewhere to stay, they could stay with me as long as they needed for free.
Instalab@reddit
Exactly, I would expect her sons to contribute without her having to even ask for it. It's how it works in a family, people just help each other out.
LichenTheMood@reddit
This is my view also. Me and my mum live together. Neither of us could afford this home if we didn't both contribute financially. So we both do.
It's not a fuss. It's not even really complicated. We are both adults. We both want to live someplace decent. We also compliment one another well.
I think it's quite privlaged for **anyone** to be in the position that they can financially support a household where some of the adults who live in it are not contributing in any way. It is not a privlage that anyone I know has (bit of an impoverished area tbh).
That shit goes both ways. Always. Parents do so much for you. I can't imagine trying to get out of paying such a miniscule contribution without actually moving out.
PristineKoala3035@reddit
Why do you think OP can’t sustain themself? They said they plan to give all the money back + more
Mindless-Sail-4595@reddit
If they can.
Kara_Zor_El19@reddit
Before you agree anything. Sit down with him and walk him through all of the costs of the house (rent, council tax, gas and electricity, water, broadband, tv (license plus any subscription costs like sky, Netflix etc). It may act as a wake up call for him of how good he’s got it paying £100 a month.
Showing him it all in a spreadsheet is a really good way to show just how much running a house costs
H4nnon4non@reddit
If you don't need it and would just be giving it back to him then what's the harm if he doesn't want to pay it anymore? It might mean you have to have a conversation with your older son about whether he wants you to continue saving his "rent" as well.
I never had to do this but have always been good with money, my younger sister however did used to "pay" my parents "rent" which they then saved and returned to her when she moved out because she would never have saved the money left to her own devices. It was an open agreement, not a surprise.
daisyliight@reddit
Just a quick skim - sorry - between tasks and shouldn’t be on reddit
But here’s an angle… when you go (if you can) on holiday for two weeks, do you get a reduction in rent?
If you went away for a few months even- do you get to pause rent in that time period?
It offers perspective. Service charges / utility / food could be reduced unless it’s flat rate bills each month.
It’s just how life is. It sucks but someone has to pay it and why does that mean you have to take the entire hit?
Essentially when you get to a certain age and live with family, you end up more as housemates and needing things to be equal (they never are as it’s hard relationship wise parent child etc) but to get adult respect, you gotta be responsible like an adult too
double_jugs@reddit
Change ur WiFi password and then see if he wants to pay keep. Also take the bulbs out of his room.
The money he contributes goes towards all the other household bills he doesn’t realise. 🤷🏻♀️
AubergineParm@reddit
At first I was like “obviously don’t ask your kids to pay rent” but the more I read, the more apparent it was that what you’re expecting is completely reasonable.
My issue is with parents who are financially very comfortable, taking rent from their children as an “exercise in independence” to offset costs when that money could instead be being saved in an ISA to go towards a house deposit down the line.
I would try journalling this - along with the replies - and start to map out a pragmatic and objective conversation to have with your kids.
Firthy2002@reddit
I live with mum and currently only work part time due to struggling to obtain a full time job. Yet I still pay my mum £50pw.
If you let him off it wouldn't be fair on you or your other son.
ImDankest@reddit
I started paying £500 per month at 18 when I started my first job. He's just being a spoilt kid and you need to give him the ultimatum of either pay rent or move out.
Karazhan@reddit
When I grew up it was a third to the parents, a third to savings and a third to blow on what I wanted. Even when I moved in to save for a deposit I still paid rent. Your kid is always welcome to find somewhere else to live, but they sure won't find much for 200 a month!
coraseaborne@reddit
Ahhh so that’s where my parents got the ‘third of your wages’ from - it was a thing, I didn’t realise. A third and I definitely did not get it back .
No_Pool4833@reddit
If theyre working they contribute. If they dont thinknits a good deal then theyre old enough to find a better one. Don't let them guilt trip you, the whole didnt ask to be born thing is ridiculous
WinHour4300@reddit
Fyi, any savings above £6000 will reduce your Universal Credit, so the plan to pay it back is likely to run into problems. You also risk it being seen as deprivation of capital by DWP.
WashingTurds@reddit
You’re not doing anything wrong. My dad did same. It teaches them how life works and budgeting which btw schools don’t. I think bottom line is if he had his own place, he can’t use the same logic with landlord. Yes you’re his mum but there’s also bills to pay and he lives there despite how often. Does his own laundry well congrats but it’s not with magic electricity.
It’s up to you whether you give it back but £100 is nothing, he’s paying to understand how life works as much as contributing to bills. I think you say £100 or feel free to look for flats for £100, or stay at your mates.
nathan916jam@reddit
From 13-15 I had to pay £25 a week to my dad for rent. 16-18 as an apprentice on £2.79, I paid £250 a month.
At 18+ My Mum charged me market rate of £550 a month on a room. Bought own food ect.
I think your son has quite the cheek, if anything it should go up. He needs to appreciate what you currently offer.
skirmisher808@reddit
£100 a month aged 13-15 ? Did you not go to school?
DefinitelyNotEmu@reddit
You say you don't need the money.. so don't take your son's money. Am I missing someting?
undercovergloss@reddit
So many parents (like my own) want to downsize their property so they pay less living costs - but cannot as they have adult children living at home. Say an adult child costs a certain amount of money living there rent free, those parents could have used that money each month/over the years to save for retirement, use for holidays or just generally live life their older age the way they should without continuing their adult children
Btw every adult I know who lived at home their entire 20’s and paid no rent or minimum rent (like £100 a month) has become entitled. They shame ‘normal’ adults who cannot afford to do certain things (like outings) because they pay rent and have no outgoings. They have luxuries and go on holidays and latest tech - and never want to give that up so they live at home as long as possible because they don’t want to give up their luxury lifestyle. It also doesn’t stop at that, they refuse to help their parents with cleaning, laundry etc. this raises entitled, spoilt children
DefinitelyNotEmu@reddit
You are likewise being shameful...
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
Some parents seem to think they're owed so take their kids money anyway, even when not needed. It's a shame really.
thetechguyv@reddit
Lol, tell your younger son to move out fully if he thinks he is getting a raw deal. There's no way he's not eating at least £25 of food a week.
He would be spending a grand minimum moving out into an HMO.
In your situtation I'd put that £300 a month towards bills, its not like you are rolling in money. Council tax is at least half of that money, which you wouldn't be paying if the boys weren't with you.
Missus_Nicola@reddit
Or tell him fine, no rent, but you can pay storage costs for all your stuff
Low_Stress_9180@reddit
Yes. Storage fee is 200 quid a month...
kushqt420@reddit
Can store it at my local self storage warehouse for the whole month, quarter of that price! So sad how many parents charge their children the minute they're 18. The whole "child support stops at 18" argument is a disgrace, if you can't afford to support children, don't have them?
The benefits of not charging your kids rent would be potentially huge in setting them up for the future - they can use the money to learn to drive, further their education, save for a property etc. So sad
Low_Stress_9180@reddit
Not when I checked prices! Anyway I was being humorous.
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
Do you people even like your children lol
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Clearly not, it's such a weird fucking attitude and shows how much capitalism corrupts people. Your kids are not piggy banks, and just because they'd be paying more to a landlord doesn't mean you must charge them rent - in fact, it's an argument not to, because it would give them a massive leg up.
Not to mention nobody is even reading the post and just spouting the same three comments these posts always get, even when they're not relevant.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I think most of them don't have children. I mean I don't think I'm soft but he's 18. Most kids that age are in education.
techbear72@reddit
Ok. But this one isn't.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
He's probably earning the same as a student with a part time job and he can't get a better one because he doesn't drive. And doesn't have any qualifications. He wouldn't be able to find his own place and possibly never will on minimum wage.
thetechguyv@reddit
The reality is she doesn't have the money to support them all - if he's working then he should be contributing. £100 a month is nothing.
Now if she is just saving it for him, then I agree don't bother taking the money in the first place. However, she's going to find herself in a very tight spot soon and the boys should be putting some money into the family pot.
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
And so what would she do if he decides to move out?
thetechguyv@reddit
Nothing she is poor. If he moves out she will save money and could potentially get a lodger.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
She says she doesn't need the money and is saving it.
thetechguyv@reddit
She says that along with a sob story about how she clearly needs the money.
But yes, if she doesn't need the money then she shouldn't bother. The idea of taking money to save it for when they leave is stupid.
New_Libran@reddit
Yes, he can't have free storage for his stuff
Expensive_Tart511@reddit
A grand minimum is slightly exaggerating. £600 bills included here.
kye2000@reddit
No idea where they pulled a grand from
thetechguyv@reddit
That's an amazing deal, most places are 600 plus bills plus food
EmBur__@reddit
Not just the food, he's doing laundry which means using the washing machine and likely the dryer during winter, he'll also be using electricity whenever he's in so thats all adding to the water and lecky bills as well.
If I pulled this shit whilst I was earning at 18, I'd get my arm ripped off and beaten with it for the sheer audacity of it, I'd deserve it as well lmao
Datamat0410@reddit
If the family is really, really cash poor then I would encourage a contribution, even a small contribution. It’s down to the parent’s decision.
If you don’t really need the money that bad or anything and are rocking on then I’d say leave it for a few years and let the kids have their fun. Eventually they will have to begin paying for their own accom in the mid to late 20’s either at their own place or with parents.
Consistent_Phrase173@reddit
Sounds like an ungrateful young man that won't be able to live in the real world. Can't leach off you forever. Does £100 even cover his council tax ?
Consistent_Phrase173@reddit
I've always paid some sort of keep. £100 when I was 18. I was the second adult in the home so that covered some council tax. £125 when I was 24 and moved back home. I wasn't the second adult in the home. I didn't buy food. I just cooked and ate what was there.
Both times my mother was a horrible unhinged jealous pyscho. And I left. Not because of the money. But because I had to stand on my own two feet.
My siblings when my parent remarried have it cushy. They will never have to leave and get treated well and don't even pay keep. Yet moan constantly that they will never be able to afford a house. ( Idiots ? They don't know they are born... people would kill to live at home and be able to save a hefty deposit for a period for years). Not saying your son is an idiot, but probably needs a gentle conversation about how this is his chance to stay home, get a deposit together and built a good foundation for himself for the future and how he should absolutely be greatful for that.
Remote-Attempt745@reddit
Stop charging if you plan to give it back and give him all you've taken is my advice. Tell him to stick it in an ISA.
Ask him to do your chores and look after his sick mum so many days a week though ...and be thoughtful to others.
Consider renting a room out (eg to local students etc) if desperate.
At 18 most haven't a clue about the cost of living, renting and bills. Ask him to go and discuss it with his older siblings and speak to them about why he shouldn't pay £100/month , they'll put him straight.
Consistent-Candle873@reddit
Firstly charging him rent to then give back to help for thier first place, is a great idea and one id adopt if i have kids.
your youngest not wanting to pay id simply say this to him. If tey had thier own place and were rarely their theyd still have to pay for it regardless.
Personaly id say no, he can keep paying. He'll be happy when you had him the money when hes moving out when he realsies how expensive everything is.
I do understand his point though wanting to save it himself but he can do that when he moves out
coco-kiki@reddit
I’ll get downvoted for this but even disregarding the economy and him being on minimum wage asking your 18 year old son to pay rent is disgusting. Look after him till he’s independent and let him save money you’re his fucking mother. And you don’t cook or do anything? It’s crazy how many adults don’t care for their kids enough to simply give them a roof. Bet you’ll miss them when they’re gone and you’re alone too.
Anyways lemme see those downvotes
Outrageous_Shake2926@reddit
In 1988 I was unemployed.
I was paying my parents who were retired I think £23.00 per week: half of whatever the unemployment rate was at the time.
Inn3rWarri0r_70@reddit
I am a shit parent, because if any of my kids told me they didn’t ask to be born I would be telling them that I had actually hoped for more grateful children
Ok_Loss_3204@reddit
I dont usually agree with charging children rent but you are being more than reasonable with amount and the fact you are saving it for them, also they should want to help you out if you are struggling
JMWTurnerOverdrive@reddit
I’ll pay you £200 for the same deal if that helps.
Imaginary_Bird538@reddit
Not an expert but from what I know, UC will start taking deductions from your benefits if you hve over £6k saved. So if you have savings already and are adding £300/month, it may affect your benefits once you hit that threshold, even if you plan to give it bag
flatflatbread@reddit
Also, won't UC require her to report the monthly income from her son as earnings which would then result in a deduction - so she'd potentially be worse off with his contributions? No one else seems to have mentioned that though so I could be mistaken.
Imaginary_Bird538@reddit
Yeah I’m not 100% sure but it will count as either income or capital one way or another. Better off asking the sons to put their contribution into a savings account of their own in lieu of rent, if she really does plan to give it back to them as a deposit
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
My son is 20. We don't charge him. If we needed the money we would, but we don't. He goes to work, he goes to uni, he pays for his car, he puts money into savings, me taking money I don't need to give it to him later teaches him nothing imo.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
It teaches them that living somewhere requires them to contribute (financially in this case) what’s stopping him keeping the money and doing the housework, cooking, literally anything to help his mum instead? all I see is a lack of respect, if he was offered the chores instead of the cash I bet he would choose the cash, the money isn’t the issue here.
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
I don't see the need to take money from my child's pocket to teach that lesson. If you do then go for it.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
He’s an adult
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
If I live to be 100 my son will be in his 70s, he'll still be my child.
undercovergloss@reddit
This is raising entitled adults imo
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
Entitled to what?
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
lol
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Crazy notion but the strike of midnight on your 18th birthday doesn't make it compulsory to hand over hundreds of pounds to someone to have a roof over your head.
Some parents actually like their kids and want to help them out. Letting them live at home and save up for a deposit is the best possible thing you can do for a young person in this economy.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
£100, to his single parent disabled mum, it’s not compulsory, he can leave and pay a whole lot more to live somewhere else, if he could be a decent human being
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Would you like to read the post?
None of this is even going to the disabled mum. She just wants to take it, hold on to it, and give it back to him, and is dead set on doing it even though the son has proven himself capable of saving.
It seems like the son does not trust that she will do that and wants the money so he can leave.
AffectionateMoose300@reddit
NGL that’s just crappy parenting if you feel the need to take money from your son/daughter just to teach a really simple lesson.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
Did you even read what I wrote? I said it wasn’t about the money, it was about respect, the kid can’t even help his single parent disabled mum, but you go off on your white horse…
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
You don't need to charge money for your child to respect you. What a weird take.
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
You can’t read ffs
AffectionateMoose300@reddit
In the context of the post, yeah you’re right.
I thought you meant in general. it’s not a matter of respect in most cases, only those where the parents can’t afford it.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Why are none of the "charge rent" crowd even reading the post?
She isn't using it for 'help', doesn't need the money, and is planning to give it back to him, and has told him so.
Giving your parents money to live in the house you've always lived in is not 'respect'.
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
Do you genuinely believe the guy posting as "donaldstinypeepee" is a parent?
Blayd9@reddit
How on earth will my children ever learn that living outside of the family home costs money if i don't charge them hundreds of pounds in rent for this generous teaching opportunity. Lmao
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Who said he doesn't do chores?
donaldstinypeepee@reddit
Who said he did?
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I have no idea, you're the one writing a whole rant about how he doesn't help.
Loud-Welder1947@reddit
If he cooks for himself already it barely takes any more effort to make an could extra portions
Obvious_Flamingo3@reddit
I live with my parents (I’m early / mid-20s) and this is what it’s like for us. My parents are well off now through various inheritances and good fortunes like voluntary redundancies, so they’ve retired significantly early, and they know they don’t need my money.
My uncle and aunt always berate me for being selfish and not paying my way, but I think it would feel unfair considering my parents splash their cash and would be taking mine for basically no reason
ResponsibilityNo3245@reddit
We aren't well off, we earn above the UK average in a lower cost of living town in northern England. We do fine.
At the end of the day my kids save more than I'd charge them monthly if we did need it. My son bought his car and paid a years insurance up front without our involvement. Wife and I were in holiday when we did it, was nice getting picked up from the airport at 3am and not paying for an Uber.
General_Sector_9892@reddit
After my Father passed away I thought my Mum would ask me for rent. But she never did. I think she realised it was unfair as I was only 47 years old.
SchoolBusDriver79@reddit
Well, if you’re going to give it back, do it now. He’s capable of saving up for his own flat, if he truly wants to move out. Just ask for a small food contribution amount. You had a good idea, but since he’s rarely there maybe it’s time to reconsider the rent arrangement.
dagger2-2@reddit
Son here 25m
Living with my parents again after 3 years in my own
Im paying 6-700 a month
It’s not wrong
If they can’t pay then contribute in other ways or try renting
Univeralise@reddit
If you did it for your older sons you should keep it for him, unless he moves out. Otherwise it’s unfair on the ones who have already done it for.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
I'm so confused at the stock answers coming out of this thread. Are none of you reading the post?
OP is claiming to not be spending the money, but saving it up for him to give back. But also saying he's managing to save a lot anyway. So what's the point in charging 'rent'?
Frankly it sounds like he wants to leave and doesn't trust OP to give the money back.
MissionLet7301@reddit
Yeah, I don't know where people are getting the idea that OP needs the money towards bills etc given that OP said in their post that they'd be saving up any money given to give back.
It kind of sounds to me like OP just wants to be able to do the "Here I saved all that money you gave me, aren't I a great parent" thing even if the son would save the money themselves (and likely be in a better position with all their savings earning interest/stock market returns in one place).
If the rent is to help out financially at home that's fine, but make that what it is - get them to pay bills on a pro-rata basis for the month for the days that they're home.
But if the rent is to try and train good savings habits it sounds like the son has got that squared away already (with OP even suggesting that they should spend more money?), so the son does have a point.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
I really don’t get the British obsession with cosplaying landlord for your own kids. I know people whose parents did this, they had no idea they would be getting any of the money back, and all it did was meant they were stuck at home much longer than they wanted to be.
Sure, nice to get a lump sum, but this attitude that from the second you turn 18 you need to be trained to give a chunk of money away to someone is weird.
Apart_Stretch2225@reddit
Then he can move out. He can go pay 1000 instead of 100.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Ffs read the actual post
koalabear20@reddit
you know whats funny about this, kind of irrelevant but it reminded me of how my parents would give me and my brother money for our birthdays and it would go up the older we got, only im 2 years older than him so if i got more money starting from 18, he got more money from 16 lmfao. I say all that to say, yeh its unfair but i genuinely would not give a shit if my younger siblings got out of paying rent even if i had to.
GetInYourBasket@reddit
I never give a shit that my little sister never paid my parents rent, but I wasn't also paying them rent at the same time. I would have been a lot more bitter about it if they were charging me rent and not her at the exact same time.
The fact that one brother is still paying £200, means it would be very unfair to stop charging the younger one £100 unless you were going to stop charging both of them.
If he wants to stop paying it, he can move out and pay rent on his own. His landlord won't care if he's barely there because he's visiting friends in other cities.
refundpackage@reddit
I had to pay my mom rent but my younger sister didn’t because my mom knew there was no point in asking. It did piss me off tbh
Pristine-Ad6064@reddit
Her financial situation has changed
Prestigious_Elk353@reddit
exactly.
her children sound selfish.
i’m one of four and i missed out on things like exchange trips, school extra curriculars etc because my dad left around the time that happened and my mum couldn’t afford it. my siblings all got them. but i’ve never been resentful for it. because my mum was working so hard to keep us going.
Alert_Ad_5750@reddit
The financial situation in the home is different now than it was then. £100 a month is next to nothing and he should be willing to contribute if hard times have fallen. It is not a case of favouritism or unfairness, it’s the real world and the amount requested is still a huge privilege than moving out and paying £700-£1000 a month.
I am one of five kids, my older brother and sister got bought their first car… I didn’t… my younger brother and sister got bought their first cars too. It sucks I missed out and when it was time for me my parents were completely strapped for cash and struggling big time. I don’t hold it against them. The world isn’t always ‘fair’.
GMDynamo@reddit
Also agree on fairness, still have extreme resentment to my dad for (among other things) forcing me to dip into savings immediately after 6th form to pay him rent while underemployed and then not charge younger siblings rent.
Individual-Durian-93@reddit
I wouldn't charge "rent" to my kids. Every adult family member should contribute however they can though which is being done via the very fair rent amount you charge.
SigourneyReap3r@reddit
In an ideal world, you birth a child and agree to care for them until they no longer need you to do so directly, and that would mean they live at home and everything is taken care of by their parents.
But we do not live in an ideal world, and unfortunately parents need monetary contributions to households when their children can contribute.
So yes, your children should pay rent, they both earn and are old enough to do so.
What I disagree with is your children paying different amounts.
Yes one may earn more but he is working a lot more, overtime, to be able to do so, it is not his standard wage that is higher he is having to work for that.
I think they should be paying an equal amount.
As for your son thinking he should not have to pay because he is not there much, unfortunately it is just life. No matter how long you are out of your house you still pay rent/mortgage, bills etc. He still utilises a room in your house.
If, like you say, you are just saving this money to give back to them then yeah, why are you charging them if they are able to save on their own? Well, the answer is life development, it is getting used to having to pay things, not having access to it because realistically it would be gone.
BadShi-6@reddit
£100 a month is nothing. Infact £100pm probably doesn’t even cover the cost of the energy he uses in the home. If he’s working and earning, he should be paying his way.
Sit down with him and go over the costings of what it would be to rent a one bedroom flat. I’m sure he’ll soon realise! Include everything and I mean everything — energy, rent, council tax, water, tv subscriptions, all that jazz.
This seems to be a new thing where the new generations don’t believe they should pay their parents board, it not only blows my mind but rings as pretty concerning. When and where did they get this impression that life is a free ride?
richpinn@reddit
Depends really. My parents would never ask for full rent rates but I did pay £200 a month to account for utilities and food etc whilst I was home
ElusiveQuant@reddit
reduce it to 75£ and tell him its a storage fee if he really wants to pay no rent to oyu he is welcoem to pay rent to soemone else and he needs to find his own place . what oyu are askign isnt terrible at all.
if the older brother isn't complaining ask him to have a word with the younger to give the cub some perspective hes gettign a steal of a deal and he knows it if hes visiting friends in other cities alot and stayign overnight thats his perogative and his spending but he is 'living' at home and its a harsh world right now we all have to help each other.
its noble you arep lannign to give every penny back to him but he has to pay rent soemwhere nad £100 he is goign to get back is more sensical than an 18 year old who thinks he can manage money.
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undercovergloss@reddit
I’m of the firm belief that any adult over the age of 18 and have the capabilities to work a full time wage (or get related benefits) should pay rent. Even then, it’s a contribution and they still live the life of luxury.
I knew a girl who was 26 and her dad was disabled and wanted to cut back his hours at work so finally asked for his daughter to make a contribution to living costs. She refused and kicked off and said she ‘can’t afford to live’. Unfortunately many of these adult children want all their income for luxuries - they don’t want to give up their chance of going out or getting concert tickets or wearing the latest clothing
It’s today’s kids who are told ‘live your life’ and as a result they act like living in the real world by paying a fraction of what it costs to their parents is them being financially abused. Literally all over tiktok people say ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ as a reason to not pay their poor parents. It’s entitled kids nowadays
SavingsFeature504@reddit
£200 a month and a hundred pound a month. I was paying nearly £400 a month.
Op do not let them off. Especially your younger son. He may be saving well now but that may be the case that is only because he knows he has to pay you. If he stops that then he won't have that worry.
It also instills the core idea of that was drilled into me "if you can only pay 1 bill pay the one that puts a roof over your head because without that roof you have nothing"
Just because he doesn't stay their often doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay rent (or in this case keep)
Explain it to him like this.
If you have your own flat. And your still spending 5 nights away every week (as was the case with me) You still have to pay rent.
sheis02009@reddit
People here r focusing on what’s reasonable. But there is another side of the coin, it’s your relationship with yiur son. What if he moved out and was never in contact again, how would it feel if your relationship was actually affected. I’m not saying only to consider this, I’m saying consider everything including what reasonable, your son’s opinions, the health of your relationship.
Makaveli2020@reddit
When he eventually rents his own house, will he ask his landlord for rent reduction if he is never there?
downlau@reddit
My parents have never charged me rent when I've lived with them as an adult, I've either been unemployed or saving for something specific when I've been at home and they don't need help to pay their mortgage. When working I have usually contributed something to go towards monthly costs.
taskkill-IM@reddit
Tell your youngest if he was to rent somewhere for, let's say £400 p/m, and then his landlord increased that price to £600 p/m "don't charge me more because I'm very rarely here" isn't a viable enough excuse to pay less.
He's paying £100 p/m and the fact he may not spend much time there, he knows he's got a home to go back to, and that's worth more than £100 p/m.
zibafu@reddit
I am 39 and still live at home, I give my mother 250 a month, pay for the internet and TV in the house and help with anything she might need, I've offered to pay more but she's shuts me down
I could move out and pay a lot more for my own place and I am looking
I live in my bedroom, but I do use the electricity, the water, the heating, the food
Your son might think he doesn't use much but he uses more than he thinks
Tell him no, or at the very least offer to drop it down to 60. The reality is if he has his own place and goes travelling, he still pays for his own place, so why should it be different
gurk6117@reddit
Sometimes you have to give your baby birds a push out of the nest or they will never learn to fly!
richboyadler@reddit
my mum didn’t even ask me, i just started paying for stuff and helped out. it’s mainly things she struggles sorting out like tv licence or energy bill as majority of stuff like that is online ( plus she can’t work a phone )
although i might not out right pay rent, there is a lot i pay for that helps cover anything she might not be able too and have some money left over so she can spend time with friends. although i have a nearly 30 year old brother who does nothing but constantly ask her for money and never pays for anything.
tonyt0nychopper@reddit
I will say this. You birthed and looked after your children for 18 and 20 years respectively - the least they can do is help you out. It doesn't even have to be you charging them - it should be a case of the boys wanting to help their mother out.
Wha you are asking for is so little and kindly and respectfully - I do hope they come to their senses.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
They didn't ask her to look after them, that's the bare minimum as a parent.
tonyt0nychopper@reddit
That is the bare minimum - but it is also a choice. There are so many bad parents out there and so many parents who have left their kids to squalor… so they do deserve a little praise; for doing exactly that - the bare minimum.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Huh, well if you want to set yourself such a low bar. Personally I aim a little higher than not neglecting my child. Nobody deserves praise for that, you choose to be a parent.
eggard_stark@reddit
Wish my parents only charged that little. I essentially had no money to spend on myself. My life was just education, work, give money to parents, repeat. Your son is lucky.
Thin-Response-3741@reddit
As long as you're not absolutely fleecing your kids of all their income(doesn't seem like you are) a contribution is fair.
MyTwoCentsNting@reddit
I’m not sure I’d ever be okay with asking my son for rent to live with me…his mum and I are wholly responsible for his existence. The least we can do is give him a safe space to live.
I guess if money was particularly tight, we could look at pooling some money to pay for bills and food, but that would be an absolute last resort. And one which I would be looking to change as soon as possible so he didn’t have to pay us anything. It wouldn’t be his fault that we can’t afford to pay for the things we need. That would be a combination of ours and societies fault. So it would be our responsibility to change what we can to make it so he didn’t have to support us financially. Certainly not his fault or responsibility.
The world is expensive and hard at times. I’ve always felt that it shouldn’t be that way at home. Home should be a safe and loving place that you’re always welcome, no matter your financial situation.
I know lots of people that think the polar opposite of me and absolutely do charge their kids rent/bill money for living at home.
I guess you have to do what is right for you and what you can justify morally and ethically in your own mind.
Best of luck navigating this tricky subject.
LostCtrl-Splatt@reddit
I bet they spend more than that on a night out
Prestigious_Elk353@reddit
You are going to need that money soon. See it as his contribution means you can put some of the other money aside so you have more of a buffer.
He is getting a great deal.
His alternatives:
1) Get a place of his own he hardly ever stays in and pay much more 2) Pay for a storage unit and see how quickly his friends’ patience runs out when he’s always relying on them for a place to crash out 3) Stop being a selfish, manipulative brat and give a damn about his Mum.
I get he is 18 and lots of us were selfish.
But it doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
GeKxy@reddit
If you don't need the money I wouldn't bother charging them rent
Scollipolli@reddit
Absolutely agree with OP. I have some wealthy friends that still get their children to contribute. Their rationale is it’s all about principle as much as anything rather than the actual money
panguy87@reddit
£100 per month for a few nights or days of occupancy is more than fair. Where else could he stay for that amount. It's all well him saying he's hardly their because he sofa surfs with friends, but it's not unreasonable amount he's paying.
MyKidsFoundMyOldUser@reddit
Both are adults and both are earning money. Not a lot, but they are earning.
IMHO asking for a contribution to running the home is reasonable.
Rather than asking for a fixed amount, why not ask them to pay for one of the operational costs of the house?
Like, one can pay the council tax and the other can pay the utility bills?
Obviously, they give you the money so you make sure it gets paid. Then you tell them the other stuff (food, mortgage/rent, etc) is covered by you.
There's no doubt that independent living is a bit of a pipe-dream for young people these days, so co-living either with parents or friends is becoming the default.
You have to force them to face the reality of how much it costs to live instead of providing a completely free environment for them to use their entire income on lifestyle purchases for themselves.
Browntown-magician@reddit
They’re both paying less than a months utilities or council tax as it stands..
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Why are none of you reading the post? OP is not using the money to pay for anything, she is planning on handing it back, and has told her kids this.
What is the point in roleplaying a landlord in this case?
ajb_mt@reddit
Because she can guarantee that amount does get saved for those purposes rather than the kids deprioritising a move-out fund, seeing as they already has such a cushy life. In the process it sends the message that living at home is not the better solution versus being independent.
My younger brother is nearing 30, still lives with our parents paying a tiny amount. He was paying literally nothing at one point because he promised he'd use that money to save up and move out. But he didn't, because let's face it, because it's cheaper and easier to mooch off of parents forever.
Browntown-magician@reddit
Playing Landlord????
I literally only stated both OPs kids already paid less than the commenter I replied to suggested?
Asher-D@reddit
No they aren't. They're paying more than I do for a family of 4 council tax or utility bill.
Browntown-magician@reddit
They are where I’m from (Derbyshire), I’m paying £120 a month council tax Band D as a single parent with a 20% single occupancy allowance.
YetAnotherInterneter@reddit
Not necessarily if it is split 3 ways. Also because OP is on PIP chances are they are on a reduced rate which will keep the household expenses low.
Antique-Ratio6597@reddit
If your on uc with lcwra and pip you get full rent and council tax paid aswell. Plus a minimum of 1200 pounds leftover
Majick_L@reddit
You get the weekly LHA rate of your local council towards your housing, and a certain percentage reduction on your council tax. You absolutely do not get your full rent paid lol, that’s incorrect
Antique-Ratio6597@reddit
Lba is only if private housing. And yes if on pip you can claim for an adult live in carer support for 95 percent council tax relief.
Majick_L@reddit
Ahh if council housing it may be different then…I’ve only experienced private renting on it. In my area if you’re under 35 you get about £60 a week towards a shared bedsit, and if you’re over 35 you get about £100 a week towards a 1 bedroom flat, so it doesn’t even come close to covering private rent for any property
Antique-Ratio6597@reddit
If your council you get your rent paid in full unless there's lower occupancy. The council tax is separate since she is eligible for pip and has 2 adult non dependants in the property full council tax relief can be claimed as caring needs
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
If the younger son was living alone in a 1 bed property he would be paying just below or just above £100pcm in council tax.
If the mum was living alone she would receive 100% council tax relief, if one of the sons were living there there would be a 25% single occupancy rate applied. However as 2 of her children are living there the property is afforded 0 reduction in council tax.
DownrightDrewski@reddit
I was paying £200 a month when I lived at home almost 20 years ago. My mother and her husband were not exactly short of money.
yoho1234@reddit
Is no one reading what OP said. She said she will give it all back to him and maybe more. It’s not being used.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
Ironically paying the council tax or utilities for a 3 bedroom property would be more than the £100pcm the youngest is complaining about 😆
Asher-D@reddit
I'm in in 3 bed home, it's less than that actually.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
Fo you live in the 3 bed on your own? That's phenomenally cheap which authority do you live in?
DownrightDrewski@reddit
Maybe where you live, I'm in band a with single person discount and I think I'm paying £108.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
Well thats is more than £100 pcm the mum is asking for is it not?
DownrightDrewski@reddit
Oh ffs... I'm supposed to be literate.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
Not forgetting as a disabled individual if the mum lived alone, regardless of the size of the property she would receive council tax relief and her bill would be zero.
Dodo_Repellent@reddit
Tell him that if he doesn’t plan on staying there, that he should empty his room so that you can let it out to a lodger who will pay you much more than the £100 you’re getting from him.
oldguycomingthrough@reddit
It doesn’t matter if he’s hardly there. If he had his own place he’d still have to pay maybe 10x what he pays you. His landlord/mortgage provider won’t give him a discount for hardly being there!
jimmyjammy6262@reddit
I had the same when my lad was in the army, he never paid a penny before, during or after he was in the army. He expected to just use us as a hotel with a room and resources whenever he wanted. Never once did he pay for anything, treat us to anything or even tidy up. Kids are like that these days, everything is somebody else's problem. In the end it was easier to downsize to a one bed bungalow. He knows where we are but we haven't seen him for three years. Sadly, our generation clings on to family ties more than we should!
Allisam2001@reddit
You don’t do your kids any favours by treating them too softly. I’d charge him another £50 a month for his cheek and to cover his gas and electric and wear and tear on the room that you could rent out if he moved out. And I wouldn’t be saving that up for him. Your income is only going to go down at this point in your life and his will hopefully go up. It’s not harsh it’s life lessons and you do well to teach that to your kids. Good luck.
jaBroniest@reddit
I didn't pay rent when I was with my dad, he's well off and I enjoyed that luxury and I was very very lucky.
When I moved in with my mum she was struggling financially and it was my honor to help her pay bills etc.
You look after those that looked after you.
ChoiceAd1802@reddit
I can see why the two oldest have already moved out.
OldishWench@reddit
When my 25 year old son told me I shouldn't charge him board when he was away for two weeks on holiday, I told him that was fine as long as he moved all his possessions out so I could let his room for the two weeks.
He soon changed his mind.
You're not wrong OP.
Legitimate-Ask-7554@reddit
Children of this age still struggling with empathy and logic. This is a teachable moment for your children, it must feel dreadful for you, but it might not be as uncaring as you imagine. They just aren't developed people yet. Hold a boundary, you are teaching them life lessons that will serve them well in the future. And as many have said , you'd be right to ask much more of them
Artistic-Fish1125@reddit
Hell no. Kids paying rent? That's just some form of abuse. You raised them and it is your responsibility to keep taking care of them until they can get on their feet. I would never make them pay because then they will never be able to save enough to move out or buy a house.
New-You-2025@reddit
I paid my mom $1000 per month without her asking. Just saying.
LR_FL2@reddit
It seems to be a controversial topic.
For me they should contribute to help them to learn to manage their finances and get used to having financial commitments with the safety net of a parent that they won’t have once they move out.
I don’t necessarily think it needs to be the value of the accommodation and food they get but balanced against their income. Iv seen some people quietly put the money aside and give it back to them when they are ready to move out to help them settle into their new life which is a nice idea but may not be practical for everyone.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
I’ve never understood the point of saving money just to give it back. They could afford to move out earlier if they didn’t give it to you in the first place.
LR_FL2@reddit
It’s basically forcing them to save more than they already are while also giving the experience of maintaining financial commitments.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
They can do that on their own.
LR_FL2@reddit
Sure they can but they don’t gain the experience of managing financial commitments. By them paying rent their savings are not affected long term and they gain experience.
Also not all young adults are responsible when it comes to money, this. It only teaches them a valuable lesson that will dictate the rest of their life it also guarantees savings.
For me it’s a no brainer.
AffectionateMoose300@reddit
I don’t see how it’s a no brainer. I might argue the opposite. You forcing your kids to contribute doesn’t teach them financial literacy, it just teaches them how to follow instructions (which they should already know).
The way I learned is to just do it by myself. I moved out to another country and when I had questions I’d ask. Or they would also chime in to give advice every now and then.
LR_FL2@reddit
It teaches them to manage their finances. “I really want to get some new trainer, go to the football and go for a lads weekend next month but I need to pay my house keeping so I guess I have to pick which one I’m not going to do”
It’s not just following orders it’s learning financial responsibility.
They still have freedom of decisions but now they have a constraint and those constraints will only increase as they go through life so the sooner they learn to manage them responsibly the better.
It’s great you just figured it all out for yourself but I want to prepare my children as best as I can.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It just means their budget is reduced, nobody has unlimited money.
LR_FL2@reddit
It gives them something they have to pay that needs higher priority than the things they want to pay for.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
This is a kid who buys all his own clothes, a lot of his food, does his own cooking and laundry, and still manages to save despite working part time with poor pay. He's not some spoilt brat living it large. He has no qualifications and can't drive or learn to drive, he knows things cost money. And that he's never really going to improve his situation as things stand.
LR_FL2@reddit
Which wasn’t always the case, OP mentions he used to be a “spendthrift” so this is clearly having a positive effect. He is getting the money back so long therm his situation isn’t going to be worse if anything this safeguards that money from over spending.
He argues that he shouldn’t pay it and just put it away himself then it really makes no difference whose account that money sits in but the lesson in financial constraint goes on by paying into the house.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
But he's saving by himself separately from what OP charges, so it's nothing to do with her efforts. And he's 18, of course he used to be a spendthrift, he's only been an adult for a few months. If it makes no difference where the money is surely it would be better to allow him to actually manage his own finances? Maybe he thinks OP will spend it now she's stopped working. Or maybe he does just want to spend it. You can't have it both ways, he's either an adult who has to pay his way or he's a child. He's either paying into the house or he can save as he chooses.
LR_FL2@reddit
So he has learned to save while maintaining financial commitments and balancing that against things he wants along with things needs like cloths and foods. That’s the entire point of doing this.
Which is why this is a good way of teaching them financially constraint.
He is managing his own finances with a financial commitment added in which is something that he will have manage for the rest of his life. By keeping that constraint he will have a smother transition into complete financial freedom when he leaves home. By removing it his finances are reduced to wants and savings which isn’t realistic to what he will experience when he leaves home.
What he thinks is irrelevant, it’s about teaching financial responsibility.
No he is a young adult who is reciting a lesson on managing finances.
That’s not the only two outcomes, by reliving him of a financial responsibility there is also the choice to spend that money a freedom that isn’t realistic once he leaves home. If he wants more money to spend in later life he can’t just give up paying a bill he will need to figure something else out be that making more money or reprioritising his spending.
Gothuntermindnumb@reddit
I never paid my parents rent, they never asked and in my culture, it would be shameful. I still learned the value of money and budgeting and have been a big spender or irresponsible. It is because these are the values I have learnt from my parents and this is how I was raised. It is so shameful how your kids turn 18, you either ask for financial contributions or kick them out. My husband's family was the same, very cold family and he doesn't speak to them now. They don't see their grandkids either.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Yeah, my partner lived with his family for years and he's incredibly responsible with his finances. He still had to manage his money to cover the things he wanted.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
Sorry, I think it’s insulting to your children to do that. Charge them rent by all means, but don’t give it back.
LR_FL2@reddit
Why would it be insulting to give them a large lump sum of money when they are ready to go it alone?
I don’t need their money, I do need to ensure they have a good understanding of handling finances. I want the to have every advantage they can when heading out into the world.
Good luck in your new place, oh remember that 100 quid a month you gave me as rent for the last 3 years, well I put it aside for you so that now your responsible for your own security you have a safety cushion.
I can’t imagine anyone would insulted by that scenario.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
“If I hadn’t been paying you rent for fourteen years on top of all my other expenses, I could have afforded to move out at least five years ago. Giving it back now isn’t going to buy me back five years of my life!”
That’s what I mean.
LR_FL2@reddit
I see your point, as I sign in my original post it doesn’t need to be the value of what they receive. It should be balanced against their income so as to not cripple or hinder them but enough that they learn to balance their outgoings responsibly. It should be done right and certainly not hinder or exploit them.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
I paid rent for years, they didn’t give it back anymore than a landlord would have done. I also bought all my own food and toiletries, did my own laundry, did housework, and bought and paid for most of the household stuff that was used by everyone (toilet rolls, bin liners, washing up liquid, washing powder etc). All my other money went into my savings.
LR_FL2@reddit
Seems like you was a very responsible young adult. I think we can agree that most are not at that age.
For what it’s worth I don’t advocate for parents to rely on the money from their children to support their lifestyle. Equally I know there are a lot of people who don’t have the security to be able to put it all away to return to them.
SomeWomanFromEngland@reddit
Thank you.
But you understand why I would have been annoyed if my parents had tried to give back money that I could have already made better use of if they hadn’t taken it in the first place?
LR_FL2@reddit
I do, it seems your situation is different to the one I was describing.
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
If they become adults and don’t understand how to save then you’re a shitty parent imo. It’s a bit too late to start trying to teach financial literacy.
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
This! They should have been taught financial responsibility long before becoming an adult.
LR_FL2@reddit
How do you teach responsibility to someone without them having responsibilities?
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
You demonstrate and be open with your kids about the reality of household finances. And my suggestion of requiring them to put away some of their pay each month teaches exactly that as it doesn't allow the frivolously spend their entire paycheck.
LR_FL2@reddit
Agreed I would argue that making them contribute to the house should be instead of this but in conjunction with it.
That’s fundamentally the same thing only a softer approach. Parents make many suggestions to their children as they become adults but as all parents know that didn’t mean they do them. Once they leave home their financial commitments will however no longer be a suggestion.
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
I mean don't have it as a suggestion but a requirement for them to keep living there, if they don't put away X amount in savings each month then there will be consequences.
LR_FL2@reddit
How is that any different outside of them seeing it as a saving not an expense. To clarify I don’t think parents should use the money but put it away for them to give them a lump sum once they are ready to move out.
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
I don't think parents should require their kids to pay "rent"
LR_FL2@reddit
That’s evidently clear I was just trying to understand why?
Also I don’t think anyone is advocating for “kids” which imply children to play rent but young adults.
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
Because I often see it as parents wanting kids to owe them back for all the money they spent raising them and thinking now their child is adult that they're a tenant and not a family member. Children are for life and I don't see a reason in making life more difficult for them especially with how hard it is for young adults to make their way in the world now. You should want the best for your kids regardless of age, and requiring them to save for themselves does that. I also really don't agree with parents demanding rent the second their child turns 18 because they should be in school focusing on studying rather than that time be spent at working to pay for this "rent".
I know that's not something the majority of people will agree with but that's my view. I do also think that it is reasonable for a parent to ask for some money if they're financially struggling themselves and the adult child contributing helps keep a roof over everyone's head.
Sorry for the rant.
LR_FL2@reddit
I actually agree with some of what you said.
This is absolutely not the reasons I was advocating. This is not acceptable and isn’t doing it with the intention of teaching financial responsibility.
I don’t agree with this however. Being a parent is a difficult job and sometimes you have to administer short term pain for long term gain. I could give my child everything they asked for without lifting a finger but then they will be raised not understanding the value of things. People learn best from personal experiences not be being told things. I could provide everything for them until they are ready to leave and continue to support them once they do leave but that won’t raise an adult who is responsible for their own decisions or is financially responsible.
I agree with you here, I don’t think this is something that should be done if they are in full time education.
LR_FL2@reddit
There is a difference between putting some of your pocket and birthday money aside as a kid which is often not really their decision and learning to juggle financial commitments with the things they want now they have some financial freedom.
ReactionCreepy428@reddit
Yeah, I don't understand it. Trying to teach them financial independence while locking it away for years. If you want to teach them, put an actual bill in their name or something.
Also my parents are so financially illiterate, I'm thankful they didn't do this. It would have been locked in a 1% savings account for 5 years.
LR_FL2@reddit
Why would that be better? Sure both options provide them the experience of financial commitments only making them pay a bill also puts them out of pocket over giving them a nice lump sum when they are ready to go alone.
It’s kind of hypocritical to suggest this as a good idea and then mock your parents by suggesting they would put it in a bad savings account.
ReactionCreepy428@reddit
It's not hypocritical at all. I just don't understand the point of teaching financial education by locking it away FOR them. Either actually take the money like the real world, or let them keep it and let them learn to save/invest with it.
Moorhenlessrooster@reddit
He might not do any of those things but he needs somewhere to live. Any other place would cost a lot more than £100 a month. Friends will not give him a continuous home (or address for bank, employment etc). I don't think you'd be doing him any favours, he needs to pay his way.
totalgoof@reddit
The point if charging kids rent is to teach lessons, if you come to rely on that rent for your means then you will be in an even worse off state when they move out 100 is not alot tho make em pay more. I paid money to my mother and I didnt even live with her im assuming the disappointment comes from them not volunteering it
Yargden@reddit
Even if he spent zero time at the house it is insane to me that he doesn't want to help his disabled widowed mother who's about to lose her job.
KrayzeKeef@reddit
I don’t know, my sons give me money for rent and I transfer it straight back to them. I decided I wanted these boys a long time ago, including all the stuff that comes with having children.
They buy all their own stuff and between work etc they are not here most of the time.
This is their home. I brought them in to it, and it will always be their home. Their safe haven from an uncertain world without expectations or conditions.
Everyone is different, and everyone has different views, not saying I’m right just letting you know what I do.
fray_bentos11@reddit
£120 is the going rate for a 1 night stay in a hotel or B&B these days.
dannypo187@reddit
He needs to work more and pay for where he lives...instead of "visiting friends" all the time...
AYK2026@reddit
If this guy cant pay £100 a month then he is going to struggle paying rent when he moves out. Rent in my area is like £1000 to £1200 a month.
Clear-Student-9607@reddit
Honestly, your plan to save it for his deposit is super thoughtful, but his point about just doing it himself does have some logic if he's actually proven he can save now. At £100 a month, he'd struggle to find a flatshare anywhere, so the real-world perspective is a pretty solid argument for keeping the contribution in place. The "didn't ask to be born" line is a classic deflection, and you're not punishing him by asking for a small token toward the household he lives in. Consistency with his older siblings matters too, so maybe frame it as a joint savings plan you both contribute to, rather than rent he resents paying.
Funny-Ad-2548@reddit
My middle is 19 (20 in a coupla weeks) he’s at uni (studying cyber) nearby, so still lives at home and has a job. He rarely goes out and spends most of his time in his room on his computer. I buy all the food, including snacks he puts in his own room for just himself. I do all the cleaning, washing etc bar a few occasions he needs something then he’ll do his own. He’ll empty the dishwasher, take out bins, take the dog for a walk and other numerous household chores.
We sat down when he turned 19 and finished college and went through all the bills of the household. I asked him what he thought he should contribute and he wanted to do £650 per month. I said this was too much and we settled on £400 per month instead.
I know for sure that if anything ever happened to me and I couldn’t work or struggled to, he would step up and offer more. My eldest (22F) sounds like your youngest, she moved out at 17 as she refused to work and quit college. After numerous arguments about her still living under my roof and me paying for everything, she left to do “what she wants, when she wants”. It amazes me how children can be so different to one another.
Winter_Cabinet_1218@reddit
So that £100 ensures he has a bed to come back to, rent doesn't work on a pay as you go bases. Id suspect that £100 a month isn't going to be saved. I mean at 18 I defiantly wasn't saving my money. Tell him twhile he lives and works he is responsible for contributing
MCL-Jonathan@reddit
ask them to pay, they need to learn to how to budget!
RedGhost_1@reddit
Tell them to cough up the £100 are leave and find cheaper rent. I say this as a father and my mother did the same thing when i was 18. They got to contribute and learn some responsibility at the same. Stick to your guns they will soon realise £100 is nothing compared to moving out.
TwaddleSpouter@reddit
You are being very GENEROUS with them. In my day, it was common to give your parents at least a third of your wage. Tell him to move out if he isn’t happy and see how the £100 looks then.
Humble_Disk7992@reddit
I paid more than that a month.
Mysterious-Joke-2266@reddit
Aye that's grand, then he can pay a nightly fee for staying over then. Say 20 per night.
Hot_Acanthisitta_577@reddit
The whole ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ … looks like you are moving back in with your Mum then and she can support you. 😆
MamutaBay@reddit
The key part I think people are missing is you said the money you actually intend to give back. I think it's completely fair to charge rent, when I hit 18 and was earning I was paying 25% of what I got each month (as it wasn't fixed hours).
For me the money wasn't given back as lump sum, but rather "reinvested" without me knowing. Driving lessons, paying towards a car, paying for travel to long distant interviews/training.
The other thing it got me used to the mindset of your paycheck isn't fully yours. Given your situation, I think you should actually charge them more based on their income.
danmingothemandingo@reddit
Ask him what he does think is fair for him to contribute to the household and his reasoning
Familiarsophie@reddit
My mum charged me a small amount to stay at home after graduating, which increases slowly each year. After 8 years it probably would have been cheaper to rent my own place, but I’d moved out after 1 year.
Making it free seems like you’re doing them a nice thing, but you’re just ensuring they never leave.
RuaRuaRua81@reddit
One of the best thing my parents ever did for me was make me pay "rent". Prepared me for the real world and helped me learn to manage money. I was the only one out of my friend group that was able to move out and live on my own and manage it, all other friends ended up moving back home because they didn't have clue. Tell him to get over himself, he can either pay you a minimal amount or move out and pay up to 10 times as much
AdAmazing1553@reddit
When we lived at home as working adults we paid Mum 10% of our wages, we thought it fair.
VigilanteDeadlifter@reddit
If you want him to learn how to be an adult it’s either pay rent or move your stuff out. In the nicest possible language
Development-Regular@reddit
I wish my mum would let me move back in for 100 a month, might have a mortgage in a few years 🥲
hiddenkinkz@reddit
They should pay rent until they fully move out. And they should pay more than they currently pay. Don’t let them take advantage of you. They need the life lesson or you are doing more harm than good imho. I made my son pay rent as soon as he was an adult. He could not afford it without getting a weekend job (he was doing further education at the time).
He grumbled at the time but it forced him to get into work. He fell in love with the place he worked weekends at. Fast forward several years and he works their full time and last night he excitedly phones us to show us his latest results of passing CIPD sponsored by that same company. He moved out of our home age 20 - he’s been responsible and independent for six years now and many of his friends still struggle and mess about.
gladysloveusa@reddit
I paid small amount of rent to my mum every month and glad I did, taught me how to budget my wage etc and prepared me for the real world. I’ve been seeing a rise of people saying it’s cruel to charge your kids rent lately on social media but i personally disagree, especially if you’re planning on giving it back to it.
Don’t agree with his argument that he’s not there much and does his own laundry..who does he think is paying for the detergent, and enery and water to run the machine? May seem pedantic but i have a friend who i used to house share with - she was in a years long dispute with our landlord because she refused to pay rent for the last 3 months of the tenancy because she was basically living at her mums house due to covid lockdown. She would not see reason that her stuff was still occupying the room and she still needed to pay rent whether she was there or not. I wouldn’t want your son to get this kind of attitude.
One-piece-jigsaw@reddit
You're setting them up all wrong for life if you don't charge them rent
KAYLORMOON@reddit
the quiet part aloud:
i doubt anyone will sign anything regarding your suggestion and if you (imo, rightfully) use this money to maintain the house and in 8 years time son 1 asks you for his £19,200 and son 2 asks for his £9,600 and you don’t have it there’s very little they can do beyond be pissed off and that’s where the push back will stem from. you can just take their money not give it back and they can’t do anything. whether you agree or not doesn’t matter as that is a view point.
you’re asking them for a contribution and then saying hey i’ll give it back in 7-10 years time it’s just odd mixed messaging and it’s confusing when parents don’t see how weird it sounds. they’re new adults you should not be in charge of their money and decisions financially for years.
you’re charging them for something and then presenting their own money back to them as a gift? if you were going to gift them money why isn’t it all of your money?
i’m not sure how you saving for him will help him save better? you also said he has become better at it and is still very young do you want to help or do you want to control because he’s adjusting?
it sounds like you’ve seen your own financial change and are trying to make up the short fall which is fine because at this point there are three adults in the house.
when you ask for you contribution you state what it covers. all the costs they don’t see so they better understand rent c/tax gas electric water wifi subscriptions food and household items etc etc i’m confident they don’t know how much detergent is or the laundrette being £6 a wash
they are right they didn’t ask to be born you, doesn’t matter who influenced who it’s a fact and they’re correct you made the choice to have children and this is part of it and their frustration is understandable - they’ll see it as you gave birth to me and now as soon as i get a bit of money you’re charging me to live in the house i grew up in for free (and then comes the …) i didn’t ask to be born
you also seem to do thinking or acting for them, they don’t need to buy a house, they might not stay in the country, they might move in with someone who owns a home, they don’t have to save, they can spend their money how they like YOU want them to save for a house. YOU think son will spend his money but YOU also say he’s saving.
You have two adult men in your house they should be helping but don’t ask for money and dress it up as you’re doing them a favour for later.
If his claim is that he shouldn’t pay because he’s not there humour him gently and ask him to find somewhere to live for cheaper than 200/100.
Have an amount that is based on what the house needs not arbitrarily based on their earnings, tell them what it covers, give them three months notice, then have them set up a standing order
also you want money at the start of summer 😭 be serious
StarDue6540@reddit
I don't consider 18 to 20 adults for purposes of living arrangements until they have flown the coup. But your circumstances are going to change soon and at that point I believe that it is difficult for you they will need to pitch in.
Alone-Cellist3886@reddit
In Indian way it's almost an insult to take rent from your kids no matter their age. Just adding this as it is mott rue to say that charging rent to kids is the "norm" or only way to do things.
LittleSadRufus@reddit
£100 isn't really rent, t's a gesture. You couldn't even rent anything for double that. It's the parent saying: I am not infantalising you, you're an adult now, but also I am not exploiting you.
If.the parent was asking for actual rent - say, £900 or so - that would also be an insult in standard British culture.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
It's weird that so many of you think it's infantilising to not have to pay to live at home, when the entire point of living at home is to save money to move out
LittleSadRufus@reddit
I don't think not paying rent is infantalising at all. But I do think it's often a parent trying to make a signal that they are explicitly not infantalising their child. The absence of the signal does not result in infantalision, these are all just gestures and signals
alexshatberg@reddit
Not necessarily, I’ve met plenty of adults who live with their parents full-time while not saving/planning to move out at all because they’re comfortable
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
This kid is 18, has a job, and is already saving.
If they're a deadbeat doing nothing, sure, but that is not the case here. They are trying to find their feet.
Neuroticcuriosity@reddit
I'm going to ignore are the grumbly parents in the comments and just ask one question, OP.
If you're just saving the "rent" to give your son for a down payment later, but your son is saving so much money now- why does it bother you so much whether or not he pays rent? It's going to the same place- savings. The only difference is whether you control it or he does. Which just makes it sound like either: A) you're not being honest and are using the money which, fair enough, you're going through hard times right now B) you're not being honest and want to hold onto it as a safety net for yourself, due to said hard times C) you don't trust your son to continue saving as he has been D) you just want the control over him
To be honest, I'm kind of hoping it's A or D. You don't have to answer, but it's an important question to ask yourself. Best of luck!
Euphoric_Memory5671@reddit
If anything you are under charging 😅
Serious_Badger_4145@reddit
He's paying a lot less than he would to rent privately, even if you're not at home you still have to pay the bills that's just how being an adult works. If he wants to move out that's one thing but if it's staying his home address 100 quid isn't a lot to ask
Excellent-Highway884@reddit
A £100 a month? Jeez I was paying £50 a week over 20 years ago and I was at college and worked part time, I barely ate at home (free meal at my job) barely slept at home and I was 16 not 18. The kid has got it easy.
Tell him, "Fine don't pay but your room won't be here for you to crash at at your convenience nor will food/snacks be supplied. You're an adult and therefore will be treated as such"
Excellent-Highway884@reddit
Also the fact you're saving this money rather than using to pay the rent and utilities is rather generous too. He should be extremely grateful you're saving up for a down payment for his future.
SharkBabySeal@reddit
Tell him if he doesn’t pay, you can’t afford for him to live there. He’ll need to move out so you can get a lodger.
Either_Reality3687@reddit
My husband still says now his mum has gone he has to pay for everything on his own he wishes he could still pay the 40.00 she used to ask for boarding him.
medreject1604@reddit
not saying you have to do the same at all but my parents have said me and my siblings can stay home as long as we like even if it means we’re middle aged. i’m 21 turning 22 this year and don’t pay rent. of course i do my own laundry and help out with chores like cooking or cleaning and i buy my own makeup/clothes/bedroom decorations. my sister who drives takes our brothers to their extracurriculars so my parents can stay home. i plan to do all this the same for my children. not sure if ur kids help with chores at home but if ur financial situation is ok not sure why ur kids would contribute with money when u think about the economy today. the money i make from part time work means i can spend on myself and also invest/save for when i do eventually move out. my friends are all the same and they all have savings account/lifetime ISAs or some sort of plan. when we leave our parents house we will have 0 worries and most likely will buy instead of renting.
examingmisadventures@reddit
We require the underemployed child pay 40% of his take home as rent. Yes we’re planning on giving it back when he leaves.
finian2@reddit
My rent for a studio flat is £750 without bills, £100 is nothing for a guaranteed place to stay.
One thing you should mention is that if he's always staying at a friend's place and doesn't want to pay you rent, he should pay them instead. Otherwise he's just homeless and couch surfing.
myownnotespace@reddit
I pay rent, it helps my dad.
moonlight-is-magic@reddit
I used to have to give my mum half my pay regardless of amount, £100 for accommodation is incredibly cheap
Otherwise-Video7487@reddit
I'm glad for the family i had growing up because looking at OP and the comments they seem horrible in comparison
coalpatch@reddit
He's earning £1500 and paying you £120, and not paying for electric, petrol etc. So what is he spending it on?
I would say that his request shows that he feels entitled, and he feels entitled because you charge him so little.
Instalab@reddit
🪢 Just saying lol
This is probably one of the most hurtful things a child can say. How ungrateful.
I am going to say, if they keep their things at your home, then it's not unreasonable to ask for a little contribution.
Once they are out and living on their own, fair game, can't force them to pay - but it's not unreasonable to expect a child to help as much as they can. Especially given you cannot work and they do.
All this applies if this is a "normal" relationship of course. I can imagine situation where parents behaved so wrongly I would never suggest someone to help them. But to me your son sounds like rebellious teenager.
Jezbod@reddit
I did like my parents did with my income, a third for "board & lodgings", a third for savings and a third to enjoy.
As I earned more, they got more.
This was until I got a new job out of town and moved out.
Giddyup_1998@reddit
They are both contributing. The whole "I'll give it back when you move out" is a complete cop-out.
And an 18 year old is hardly an adult.
Skylon77@reddit
Except that they literally are.
A 16-year-old can join the Army, ffs.
If they are earning, they are becoming independent and should be contributing.
Thin_Energy_1532@reddit
Not two centuries ago, those of the generation of Oliver Twist were working in mines. Without wanting to compare the plight of these children with being charged the sum of £100 per month, but the legal definition of an adult is not something from which we should base our lives.
Ok_Raspberry5383@reddit
An 18 year old is hardly an adult? They are by definition an adult. Not everyone else's fault that you didn't raise your kids to be an adult by 18
Wise_Wolf_6589@reddit
My adult baby also didn’t want to contribute telling me he wasn’t there to pay my way because I worked part time and my husband full time who btw paid all the bills he wasn’t carrying Me in any way shape or form so I said ok not problem move out he didn’t want to so We moved out and he then had to find somewhere else once he was paying £600 a month he was then crying for us all to be a happy family again all under one roof and helping contribute to his now broke life. Swings and roundabouts I suppose. Big lesson for my 24 year old tho for sure!
Thin_Energy_1532@reddit
A few punctuation marks wouldn't be missed. Have you taken inspiration from Lord Dexter?
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
If your husband could pay the bills why did you need money from your child? Sounds like you hate him, imagine rejoicing that your own son is broke.
Tricky_Parsnip_6843@reddit
Why would an employed adult child live rent free in their parents home?
kushqt420@reddit
Because they are FAMILY. This thread is fucked up.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Because some parents want the best for their children and don't consider them a burden? If you don't need the money it's essentially profiting off your own children.
Tricky_Parsnip_6843@reddit
Do you live with your parents without paying rent?
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Lol no, I'm a parent myself. And sure I'd charge my kid if she was in a well paying established career, not at 18 working part time in a minimum wage job, not unless I needed it. Not just to make a point.
evenifihateit@reddit
It doesn't sound like the poster hates him or that they are rejoicing, this is a weird comment
Sad_Interaction_2933@reddit
You’re asking for relatively small amounts and they’re working while you’re unable to. Seems pretty reasonable imo. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to help out financially. Tell him to give a rest with the “didn’t ask to be born” nonsense!
b0bscene@reddit
I don't believe I've ever met anyone who asked to be born.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
And yet here we all are for better or worse.
Traditional_Prize632@reddit
Any day could be our last, sadly.
Giddyup_1998@reddit
He is helping out financially. He also cleans up after himself, and as his mother says, is rarely at home. So he's not eating the food, or using the electricity or water.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
£100 is literally what you would pay on average for one night in a B&B anywhere in the UK
Giddyup_1998@reddit
So, you're comparing an 18 year old, paying rent to his mother, who has said she is keeping the money for him when he moves out, to a B&B rental?
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
Your point? When I was 16 I wanted to move out but my parents migrated to a strange country. I didn't know the language so I could not for that reason.
I am comparing 1 night in B&B versus 30 nights in his home for the same price.
The circumstances are different. The mother is struggling. OP didn't chose to be a widow in this situation
Giddyup_1998@reddit
My point is, he is contributing to the household.
Relative_Standard_69@reddit
Yes he’s currently contributing HOWEVER this whole post is saying that the son wants to STOP contributing
External-Praline-451@reddit
That's not the point, landlords and the council in the real world don't care if you're not home much, you still have to pay rent and council tax. He needs to practise budgeting for housing costs and he's going to get a really nasty shock if he's moaning about only paying £100 for rent and bills included now!
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
The post literally says he's already saving, and OP has already told him she's planning to give the money back to him.
What is the point in roleplaying a landlord for the sake of it in this situation? Every comment is talking about 'the real world' and 'helping out the family' but the money is not going to helping out the family anyway and never was, and he is already saving up presumably to move out.
External-Praline-451@reddit
Because he's moaning about paying £100 a month, and thinks you don't need to pay for accommodation if you go away and see friends a lot at weekends. It sounds like he needs a lot of help learning about the real world, including what rent is. He's also living in OP's house as an adult, so he should respect her (very reasonable and supportive) rules. Once she loses her sick pay, she'll be on a tight budget, she could rent out his room on the open market to someone who doesn't whine like a 5 year old, saying they didn't ask to be born.
Giddyup_1998@reddit
He is not moaning about paying rent. He is an 18 year old, barely an adult. He simply asked his mother alternatives.
External-Praline-451@reddit
He didn't ask her for alternatives, he told her he wasn't paying anymore and whined that he didn't ask to be born. The fact he doesn't want to contribute to help his sick Mum who's on a tight budget whilst going off to see friends every weekend, shows he's got a lot of growing up to do.
Giddyup_1998@reddit
He's an 18 year old kid. Of course he has a lot of growing up to do.
External-Praline-451@reddit
Yes, exactly, that's why OP is being a good Mum by very gently introducing him to responsibilities, at the very low and reasonable price of £100 a month. That's about an 8th of what he'd be paying in rent (not including bills) if he didn't live at home.
Sad_Interaction_2933@reddit
He is asking not to, which is the point of this whole thread.
earwin_burrfoot@reddit
"Didn't ask to be born" is a fair critique, none of us did. And some have valid reasons to regret the occasion. It's just irrelevant to the topic at hand, which is splitting costs of communal living space between adults.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
Exactly what I was thinking. 100£ is very little. And he said he spends a lot of time with friends so doesn't sound like he helps out the OP at home that much either apart from his own laundry
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LadyMirkwood@reddit
We are on one income (my husbands) as I'm unable to work. We have two kids at home, 24 and 25 and they are welcome as long they want and as long as it takes to get on the housing ladder
Both give us £150 a month, and I still do their washing and dinners. Both think they are getting a great deal and will often bring in bread, milk and extras unbidden.
The fact is many of us cannot afford to support our adult children as well as ourselves. Everything is getting more and more expensive and its still cheaper for them than paying it all themselves.
It is not unreasonable to ask a working adult child to contribute to the household
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I think 24/25 is very different to 18.
LadyMirkwood@reddit
Utilities, food and other costs are the same, bills aren't magically smaller because they are 18.
If they aren't studying and in full time work, they can contribute, especially with a disabled parent
FreeTheOpressed@reddit
Explain to them/him how the contribution is beyond fair as you can easily charge more and you are looking out for their/his best interest. If they/he dont like it they are more than welcome to move out. Let them/him see how the real world works.
In regard to the ‘I didnt ask to be born’ line, you can easily say yes you didnt but I took care of you when you needed to up and till you was 18 and did my part and now you are an adult its time you act like one and help out.
As an Asian brit. I couldn’t wait to make my own money and pay for everything and let my parents just relax and not pay for anything. The thought of me not paying anything or even a minimal amount is making me dizzy lool.
Pure-Dead-Brilliant@reddit
You need to decide what this payment actually is. If it’s a contribution towards household costs, then it’s entirely reasonable that both adult children pay something, regardless of how often they’re physically in the house. If it’s “saving on his behalf to give back later”, I can see why he’s pushing back, he could do that himself, and arguably more effectively. At 18, learning to budget and save independently is part of becoming an adult. Ring-fencing his money for him may feel helpful, but it does remove that responsibility. Also worth keeping in mind that if savings sit in your name, they can affect means‑tested benefits once they pass certain thresholds.
If they’re both underemployed, it might also be worth looking at options like apprenticeships, training, or other routes to increase income that will make a much bigger difference than arguing over £100 a month.
idreaminlowercase@reddit
I always find it wrong to expect your kids to pay rent. And they should be saving up rent so that they can move out when they are able to
PixaaTog@reddit
Errr, charging kids a nominal amount when they are working is fair and the right thing to do.
Our daughter pays £500 a month towards her keep, covers food, electric and gas etc, she still manages to save £800 a month that she is building up for a house deposit. If she was already actually renting she wouldn’t have that £800 a month to save for a house deposit, so would fall into the rental trap like many do and never get out of.
PixaaTog@reddit
Clearly a comment that got deleted by someone who’s very out of touch with reality, if you want to comment again without swearing then I’ll happily explain the very reasonable reasoning behind that figure.
Loxnaka@reddit
i didn't delete anything its still there but go on explain how that figure is possibly "nominal". Because charging your kids that amount is only acceptable if you are actually struggling to make ends meet yourself. £500 is not an insignificant amount of money for food and bills for one person is she hosting a data centre in her room? maybe its you that is out of touch with reality.
Skylon77@reddit
For rent, plus food, plus utilities, that's not unreasonable at all.
Loxnaka@reddit
where do you live? there are spare rooms available in my area (around greater manchester) for less than £500 with bills included a shared kitchen etc, you're basically charging your kids market rate for a spare room at that price. Calling £500 a month "nominal" is laughable.
PixaaTog@reddit
Clearly you are out of touch with reality and you just failed the attitude test so end of chat 👋🏻
Loxnaka@reddit
You just failed the attitude test hahaha get over yourself and stop making your daughter pay for your own electricity usage 😂😂😂😂😂
PixaaTog@reddit
I think you must have misunderstood and thought that I needed to engage with you. I don’t 👋🏻
Loxnaka@reddit
and yet, you sent two more replies, that is really interesting. any other thoughts einstein?
Mediocre_mum26@reddit
In your opinion. You haven’t included food in your spiel to make a fair comparison. And yes, your earlier message is showing as deleted.
Loxnaka@reddit
The point is it shouldn’t even be close, there are many below 500 in which you could pay for food with the price difference, you shouldn’t be charging your kid anywhere near market rate unless you absolutely have to, you should leave them as much of their own finances as possible so they can save as fast as they can for a home in this unaffordable market. 500£ a month is no small amount to be taking from that.
PixaaTog@reddit
£500 is a small amount to everyone. Seems like £500 is a lot of money to you, maybe you should have done better at life and be paid a higher salary 😂
Loxnaka@reddit
incredible response. no wonder you treat your daughter like a tennant instead of family with a mentality like that.
AutoModerator@reddit
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Select-Movie-8910@reddit
Rent, food, bills and sharing with you family is cheaper than rent all bills included sharing with randoms and no food included
KeyInspection4135@reddit
£500 a month is crazy. If you need the money to be able to all keep a roof over your heads then fair enough. Otherwise you're basically doubling the time your daughter needs to get a deposit for...no reason.
PixaaTog@reddit
No we don’t need the money…… I also don’t need to justify the amount to you or anyone else.
KeyInspection4135@reddit
So she's paying market rate for a room then, great parenting decision 😂
PixaaTog@reddit
Not entirely sure where you get your “market rate” from…….but you’d be lucky to get a bedsit for less than £1000 with no bills or food included………so again I’ll say you’re completely out of touch with reality 😆
Loxnaka@reddit
500£ fucking hell!!!! i hope you shop at m&s for her
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charmingchangeling@reddit
In this particular situation where OP is disabled and out of work, it shouldn't be unreasonable for her adult children to contribute something towards household expenses. Some parents can be really severe at taking rent from their kids, and I don't support that. But this is clearly a case where it is more than justified.
yoho1234@reddit
She said she will save it for him which means she is not struggling for money.
charmingchangeling@reddit
Being on UC and PIP with a dwindling payout from work isn't financial security, especially when someone doesn't have the option of working. Asking for a small contribution from someone else living in your household is reasonable. The job market right now is awful, but £100 a week is very little, especially when OP is saving that money for her son. The son is paying £1200 per annum to his mother, total, and otherwise nothing in bills, food or housing.
yoho1234@reddit
She literally said she will save it for him.
charmingchangeling@reddit
And I said that
ci_newman@reddit
Ordinarily I'd agree, but it's clear OP needs this money towards running the household and they are working adults now.
They are likely reducing the UC and PIP the OP is entitled to as well.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
OP specifically says she doesn't need the money and is saving it.
bsnimunf@reddit
Wrong to charge them full market rate but £100 a month all inclusive is not rent it's a contribution to some of the bills.
Skylon77@reddit
It's a bargain.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
The mother has a disability and she doesn't have a husband. Before criticising people try to understand their situation. Not everyone has unlimited resources and support
Business-Rhubarb-695@reddit
Adults pay rent. Children study so that one day they can pay rent too! If he isn’t studying but is working, he should be contributing- in my opinion
beargrowlz@reddit
Agreed. My folks' rule was always that if we were learning, we could live there for free, but otherwise we'd have to contribute -- financially if we were working, or through housework if we weren't. I'm grateful to them for it, having seen how unprepared some of my friends were in their 20s.
silver-fusion@reddit
It depends on the type of relationship you have. If I (very middle aged) asked to move back in with my mum she would be over the moon and would never accept payment. If I take her out with my kids and wife she won't let me pay and if I secretly do she will leave the money in the house. To her, she brought us kids into the world and she won't hear of us paying on her account.
It will be the same for my kids. There is a line in gladiator that really struck me when I first watched it. Something like "Your faults are my failings as a father" and I think about that a lot.
If I haven't prepared my chicks to fly the nest then I better prepare myself a bigger nest. It's a good incentive to be a better person.
Mindless-Sail-4595@reddit
As beautiful as this, I don’t see it to be the same thing.
My parents have similar values and I have paid rent when living with them. My mum cooked and cleaned and washed my laundry. I decided I didn’t want to live there anymore, got a room paid more rent and did everything myself. They still take me out and pay for me.
Saying that my dad also calls and says, ‘I’m having a gorgeous cup of coffee, the only thing that would make it better is if someone else paid for it.’ I send him £4 for coffee.
But rent is different. If working and an adult, I see the contribution fit. OP’s kid is stretching his muscles. But ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ is pretty weak. I would go in with the state of the economy and quality of life. A young person needs more money for experiences.
But - OP can’t work and is only got ‘good’ income for a few more months. He should be putting what he can. She is likely to be taking a cut with UC and council tax by having them there. £100 barely cover council tax.
I personally think the situation is slightly different. £100 a month is agreeable.
False_Maintenance_82@reddit
Explain to them that what they're paying is low, and that you wouldn't be doing them any good for them long term to get used to paying nothing in life.
Hopefully when they mature a bit (probs after moving out n having to move back, when they ssee how the real world works) they'll appreciate you a lot more! idiots.
What kids want in the short term is not ultimately good for them, as you well know
Resident-Total-1194@reddit
I would look to figure out the additional expense caused by having them there and charge that
Bath_Tough@reddit
From my experience: when I got my first job, I was asked to contribute a bit (£20/week, at the time) towards household bills. That seemed fair to me at the time. As I was just starting out and was told "it'll be more when you get your own place, so it's good to get used to it." 15+ years later, I'd do the same, and given your circumstances, even more so.
Don't feel bad, you're doing him a favour even if he doesn't appreciate it now.
I really hope things work out for you in the future.
smartfellerayi@reddit
When I was working full time and moved back home I paid £400/month.
That was my parents entire mortgage.
I OFFERED to pay it. They didn't make me.
ILoveSteelPanther@reddit
With my children, as soon as they started working they gave me 25% of their wages. They were more than happy to do this. They knew that it was a lot more expensive to not live at home. This way they learn that they can't get things for free.
Expert-Tie-1530@reddit
Forgot to mention that was 1980
Expert-Tie-1530@reddit
I can remember my mum asking for £10 a week for bed, heating, TV , telephone, washing, ironing and 3 meals a day plus lunch and I was outraged 😂
Past-Bicycle5959@reddit
Your younger son sounds quite entitled and that he doesn't realise how good he's got it. He's paying for a room that you could otherwise let out to a lodger. Life would be harder for him if he wasn't living at home.
If you WERE cooking meals etc for him, I'd say it would be fair to also charge him for the labour and ingredients - not that that's a normal thing to do, but it's directly combative to his argument.
If he were staying permanently with friends or other family members, they would charge him rent, more than £100.
And I agree with another commenter, why should he be exempt when your other children weren't?
If he finds £100 a month uncomfortable, he's going to have a real shock when he branches out into the real world.
If he doesn't want to pay it, then he should offer the equivalent amount of hours labour around the house. He's not a child any more. If you were charging £500-600 a month I would agree with the other commenter saying they don't agree with charging children rent.
The "I didn't ask to be born" comment sounds manipulative and bratty, and judging by the way you wrote this post, I think this has been having an effect on you. It doesn't sound like he respects you at all. Sorry.
Dislexicpotato@reddit
Calling an 18 year old entitled for not wanting to pay to live at their own house is honestly ridiculous, that is the norm in the UK there is no ‘entitlement’ there.
Past-Bicycle5959@reddit
If you're not in full time education and you're earning money, you can contribute. 18 is legally an adult.
This is a single woman who is unable to work and is asking for the absolute bare minimum contribution. £25 per week is a takeaway.
As I already said, if they don't want to pay, then they can offer genuine help around the home: cook some meals, do some cleaning, gardening. Taking no responsibility at 18 is not setting themselves up for a solid adulthood.
It is not "their own house". It is the mother's house. He is not a child. It is NOT the norm in the UK at all.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
It is absolutely the norm these days for parents to continue to support children beyond the age of 18.
Guinnessjenny90@reddit
Not if they are working
cardncomol@reddit
Btw does he even have his own room? Either way 100 is very fair, although personally I think 18 is a lil young but since he’s working kinda 100 isn’t crazy at all
ProfessionalCamel110@reddit (OP)
Yes, he has his own room
witchysusie@reddit
When I 1st started work, a very long time ago, I got to keep my 1st wage packet after that, I handed my wages to my mum & got an allowance, about 20% of my wages the rest to contribute to the upkeep of the home, not to be put aside for my future ,but to keep me in the here & now. It was the 70s & amongst people I knew at that time, not that unusual.
BCRSVZ@reddit
I generally don't see the point in charging rent to children, it only makes it harder for them to move out.
If they're earning minimum wage, don't drive and don't seem to have much independence then what is the likelihood they're gonna get to a position where they could put a deposit down on a house.
I think it's more important to see how they can grow their own lives and careers if that is what they want at all. Otherwise I guess they might live at home forever.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Yeah, I think people on here don't seem to understand that.
RottieMad@reddit
My dad used to charge me and my sister £250 pm each once we started working.
However, he would return the full 12months rent every year as a birthday gift.
Plastic_Squirrel6238@reddit
I think it’s unclear from your post whether you’re saving (putting aside for them) your children’s money or spending it because you need it to run the household.
If you’re saving it for them and that’s going on indefinitely, how are you managing that with your UC savings limits?
If you’re saving it for them, I think that should probably be a decision that they get to be part of. If they’d rather have control over their own savings, why not look together at different savings accounts with them and set something up so they have a standing order of the same amount each month moving to their own savings, and a savings goal of a first house share/car or whatever.
If you’re spending the money on running the household, make them part of your decision making process. Look together at the cost of running the household and how much more you need to do so. Take into account their income - taking too much of their income won’t feel fair and will make working feel pointless at 18. And will make them resent you because they’ll have friends that don’t contribute to living with their parents at that age. Look together at what house shares cost for comparison.
Unlike everyone else in the comments, I think his saying “I didn’t ask to be born” IS meaningful. Of course none of us did. But that doesn’t make it any less true, and some of us feel it more strongly than others. Some of us were born into less ideal circumstances. Apart from anything else, I can say in glad I’m not an 18 year old in 2026.
I’m NOT diagnosing him over Reddit, but since no one else is saying it, I’ll say that expressing that sentiment might be a sign of depression. I hope you can have some good conversations and reach understandings between you.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Yeah, if my child said that to me I'd be really concerned. And it really is true to me, I don't think children need to feel grateful to their parents for bringing them up.
appropriate9094@reddit
I’m an adult kid living with my single parent. I contribute without being asked since 18 years old. Honestly 100 GBP is absolutely nothing compared to what he would be paying if he had his own place.
ComptonaGreenie@reddit
Does he realise how much it costs to run the house? What I'd do is take all the bills monthly costs (I'll use my own as an example)
C Tax - £168
Utilities - £218
TV/Internet - £43
Month Total - £429
Times monthly by 12 for annual (My case - £5148), then divide that number by 365 for the daily rate (5148/365= £14.10)
Times that daily rate by the amount of days he stays.
Personally, I didn't have an issue with paying rent, as soon as I turned 16, (22 years ago) I paid £25 per week and I used the same excuse as your son. I was at GF's, friends, bought my own food etc.
Guinnessjenny90@reddit
I hate that crap saying ‘I didn’t ask to be born ‘ Such twaddle. Unless he is living full time somewhere then he is using up your utilities. He needs to grow up
ThatSamShow@reddit
Ideally, I wouldn’t ask my child to pay rent, as I’d rather they save money so they could move out into the “big bad world” when they’re financially able to do so themselves. It’s really bloody tough right now, especially for anyone trying to get their own place. I’m also saving money for my child over the years to help make that transition easier when the time is right.
That said, if I were the child of a disabled parent and still living at home, I’d like to think I’d do my best to help financially if I were under the same roof. Perhaps that’s just my middle-aged brain knowing what’s right and wrong, whereas my 18-year-old self might not have thought things through so rationally.
Whichever way you look at it, whether it’s saving money to become financially independent or helping a disabled mother with household bills, £100 a month is minuscule in today’s world of rising prices. If he were truly independent right now or moved out fully in a couple of years, the cost of living would be a real shock. He’d probably be begging to come back home for £100 a month!
Nobody is entirely right or wrong. We all raise our children differently, and we all have different circumstances that other people can never fully relate to. All I know is that £100 a month is cheap. Helping a disabled mother financially is the right thing to do as part of a caring family. Living away from home in the real world is far more expensive. Even so, I’d still struggle with the idea of charging my own children rent. It’s a difficult one.
brwaaans77@reddit
😂😂😂😂
People only complain or talk bad about it because they dont want to pay it themselves
I payed £280 from 17, but my dad sat me down and explained where that money went and I am actually extremely grateful he always took the time to use things as a financial lesson rather than just a "you have money so you're paying"
Help your kids, charge them, educate them, if youre feeling generous and dont actually need the money, put it in a ISA for them and gift it when they move out, at that age living at home with no major expenses (like actual rent!?) anything under £300 a month is nothing and would be spent going out or on trips etc anyway.. wouldn't be missed
Good luck!
IAmRoloTomasi@reddit
£100 a month is a lot less than the cost of storing his belongings and however many nights he does normally stay over in hotel stays 🤷♂️ if he wants a room then he should keep paying, if he'd like to move out he should stop. I do kinda agree with the "didn't choose to be born" thing but unfortunately for him he was so now he needs to deal with it.
nobodiesfooljke@reddit
When I started worked I used to divide my money in 3. A third for my mum, a third I spent on myself and the remaining third I saved. It was system that other family members have used. Your son needs a wake up call.
PennyTested@reddit
I mean if you will take me i will pay £200 a month!
whyilikemuffins@reddit
I started paying my mum about £200 a month to help with bills when I was 20 until I left.
It literally covers a bill or food sometimes.
I know for a fact it's basically nothing.
External-Basket6701@reddit
Thank you OP as I know this is a problem I’m due to face imminently.
Seems like a lot of our children/young adults are using this “didn’t ask to be born shit” - let’s unite and not even entertain such crap! 😩😂
chez2202@reddit
You already told your son that his £25 per week is being saved for him. Now he says that he wants to save it for himself? I know that you want to believe him when he says he’s saving money alongside this payment to you, but if that’s true, why would he be unhappy to give you £100 a month?
He still LIVES there, even if he does stay with friends regularly.
Just because he does his own laundry, doesn’t mean that he isn’t using YOUR washing machine, laundry products and electricity. He still uses some of the food you purchase. He still showers at home. You still pay FULL Council Tax because you aren’t entitled to the single occupancy reduction.
I would remind him that you will be in the situation in a few months where you will actually NEED extra income and if he doesn’t want to contribute to your household you could actually take in a lodger to rent his room for 5x the amount he is currently being asked to contribute. And the lodger who could rent his room would also have to do their own laundry and sort out their own meals.
GoldenMoonbeamer@reddit
Since you can't work and have limited income, and your sons are both working adults, it is totally reasonable of you to expect them to contribute to the bills. They should be contributing more than £100 or £200 each, they're getting a very good deal.
A room in a HMO costs £600+ nowadays. If your son doesn't want to pay you £100 then he can move out and pay £600+ instead for his own place room or over £1000 for his own flat. You're being too soft on him
Forsaken-Parsley798@reddit
I personally wouldn’t charge them anything.
Estrellathestarfish@reddit
£100 isn't even rent, it wouldn't cover his food and extra utilities costs. If he moved out, your expenses would go down a whole lot more than £100. But I'm not sure it's fair that the older one works more so pays more. I think £200 each would be perfectly fair and wouldn't incentivise the younger one to work less.
stunt876@reddit
Does £100 pm even cover the extra council tax?
AdvanceAlive2103@reddit
Nope - make him pay.
Both-Humor1421@reddit
My parents never ask me to pay anything, I am not gonna ask my kid to pay when she grows up. I do think it’s my wish to have her born, she’s always my responsibility. I will try my best to help her. So I think if you need the money, especially you are a single mom and disabled, ask them for it, if you don’t need it, maybe not for now. 18 is quite young
Intelligent-Tap717@reddit
My adult kids pay rent. They have done since they started working. I paid rent growing up living with my parents as I suspect most did. You learn the value of money and responsibilities and if they're sleeping there, bathing, eating the food etc. They why not contribute to it. Otherwise they're essentially living for free with only disposable income minus transport etc if they have a car or use different means.
It's not unreasonable and if he thinks it is then he will get a shock when he has to pay his own rent and bills on top.
ApplicationOrnery563@reddit
My mum was a single mother and raised 8 kids each and everyone of us contributed to household expenses when we started work. After a few months I decided it would be better living in nurses accommodation so I didn't have to worry about transport even then I still have her a small amount pm so I didn't feel guilty if I ate at home or slept there when I was on nights. So I feel your kids should be helping out. Do you get housing benefit and council tax benefit if so they will be reduced as you have 2 working children in your house. Btw if your son does washing at home he is using your water and electricity both of which needs paying for.
themissingelf@reddit
How much could you make using his room to take in a lodger? If he’s not there enough to warrant £100 per month to retain the option then you may as well accept his offer…
As for not asking to be born… Erm… who in all of human history asked to be born?
tgnm01@reddit
£100 isn't much and a bit tight of him as thats essentially council tax for a single person. I think if you go through all bills: insurance, heating, electricity, wifi, etc that is paid for, and divide it by three, it's more than £300 a month. What my mum did when I got my full time job after uni was she showed me all her monthly bills, mortgage, food, utilities, wifi, added it all up for a month, and divided it for the 4 of us who lived in the house (albeit the other two were 16 and 14 so didn't contribute). it was about £280 (I also room shared with my 16 y/o brother who loves a late night fortnite session, sadly no discount for a disturbing neighbour) When I moved out after about 2 years my mum gave me £1500 to go towards furniture though, living at home also allowed me to save about £7-£8k which on top of some money in savings I had already, went to my deposit. I think what you're doing is very fair.
BathFullOfDucks@reddit
it sounds very much like he should be helping his mother. if he thinks a hundred pounds is a bad deal, he has a very large shock coming.
hope things get better for you
TobsterVictorSierra@reddit
At 18 you're an adult and fully pay your own way, or fully acknowledge and accept the fact that any surplus to you is charity.
Brian_Dxn@reddit
He has two options... Pay you £100 a month and be grateful there's a roof over his head and food in the house...or move out and pay his entire wage on trying to live.. at which point he'll soon be begging to come back. Parenting is hard but in this case... contribution or move out is the only answer.
liebackandthinkofeng@reddit
I don’t see any issue with charging your adult children rent if it’s a fair price. My parents asked for £200 a month when I moved back in with them as an adult and I actually argued it and offered more, which they refused. £200 would have covered very little and I felt my parents were very generous. And they didn’t give me the rent money back when I moved out - which I also felt was fair. If he’s arguing over £100, it’s a bit ridiculous - okay, he didn’t ask to be born but he’ll be paying far more elsewhere. And using that as an excuse is cheap, in my opinion. None of us asked to be born. It doesn’t exempt us from paying rent/mortgage, bills, food etc. It’s an immature argument
saladball@reddit
I have to be honest. I saw the title and I was ready to come in and say I disagree with parents charging rent. However in this case you’re being extremely generous, and asking for near nothing in comparison to what they would be paying elsewhere. Let him learn the hard way.
OwnUse237@reddit
A lot of you really hate your kids
Shoddy-Structure-652@reddit
Even if you weren't saving the money to give back to him he has a job and should contribute to the home. £100 is absolutely nothing and with all the bills even if he isn't eating food he will be using that much in the roof over his head, the electric and water he will be using.
I don't think it's unfair to ask for rent as it's a way of life and teaching him for when he does move out. To be honest he should want to support you with the house bills anyway and £100 is next to nothing.
RS_Phil@reddit
Rent his room out to someone for £500 PCM all bills included, and let him find his own place the selfish little toerag.
Honestly, a bit of tough love goes a long way, people don't know how lucky they are having generous family members like you in their lives.
Provectus08@reddit
If he thinks £100/month is unreasonable for a room a house, all bills included, I've got some bad news for him!
Temporary_Fennel7479@reddit
If your plans to just give it back to him later and he has asked to not pay rent , you also don't provide any services why take the rent ? 😆 Doesn't make sense to me
ChapterCritical5231@reddit
Wow this is quite the jump from £20 a week that we took off our daughter and SAVED for her, we gave it to her when she moved out. If your children for any particular reason cannot afford to move out why would you put them in a catch 22 situation whereas they will always be too poor to move on with their lives? I disagree with everyone that says that your children are having an easy time of it and should be paying more. Unless they have serious money in the bank and enough wages to live on their own the least you can do is bring them up as you chose to be their parent! I expect the money oriented parents will downvote me for this but in my eyes you shouldn’t have children if you cannot afford to prepare them for life. £200 per month your oldest may be happy with that, but your youngest obviously is not.
shpdoinkle@reddit
I paid my parents more than £100 a month lodge thirty years ago. I wasn’t on big bucks or living in a city. I learned some self-sufficiency and was prepared for the time when I was eventually out renting on my own. I did not receive my payments back as a lump sum at the end of the tenancy.
I understand his reasoning to a degree if he’s hardly there, but £100 a month for a guaranteed roof over his head is peanuts in the current market. Barely more than the cheaper B&Bs charge for a single night!
It’s a shame he knows you planned to hold the money and let him have it back. I’d be tempted to rescind this deal for his bare faced cheek.
For clarity, my opinion is that you continue charging him.
Disclaimer: I am not a parent.
OpenInteraction3299@reddit
I was paying more rent than both of your adult sons when I was 16, granted I came from a poor family so it was borderline necessary
When I was 20 I was covered the entire rent & utilities, my sister (22) paid for groceries and cooked and cleaned, my mum actually left shortly after cause and me and my sister looked after our three younger siblings - in their teens at the time
I just turned 25 and glad I had that pressure cause now I’m pretty successful. You are being far too soft on your children and they will remain “boys” for the rest of their lives probably. If you want to make responsible adults treat them like men
Honestly if I was them I wouldn’t be able to look you in the eyes, really shameful to see your parents struggle especially with disabilities and still not want to contribute.
This is harsh but it’s the truth
antlered-god@reddit
If they're working they should be contributing. It's as simple as that.
TheViolentPacifict@reddit
There’s (hopefully) going to be a point in his life where he looks back on this request with shame. He’s 18 so I’m not going to be too harsh but I think telling him your intention is to return the money confuses the matter. If he’s quite a literal person and he doesn’t understand that you could potentially live in a smaller house and have more disposable income if he didn’t live there in the future, I can see why it would seem like a waste of everybody’s time.
geekrichieuk@reddit
20 years ago I paid £300 a month while working full time on £14k annually. I wasn't hard done to with that arrangement.
I then went to University for 4 years, and only worked out of term time temping. Didn't pay a penny. In my final year, I got a part time job to have some spending - and when I got a again job, they bought me a car (£300) to get me on the road again.
Went back to paying £400 a month on £13k training wage (which went up pretty quickly after, board didn't go up).
I always had a warm home with my own room to go back to, food in the cupboard should I need it, utilities handled, and anything else I needed (clothes, hot meals etc). Never seemed unfair. Moved out a couple of years later.
When I moved out, I was used to spending that much on bills, and so my quality of life was good. It was give and take, you give when you can, you take when you need to.
Yes - if I ever needed help from my family, they would give it no questions and no thought of repayment. But it goes both ways.
If he can pay £100 a month, he should ^^^^(the ^^^^ungrateful ^^^^swine).
andurilmat@reddit
My parents were both severely ill and surviving on benefits mom for my entire life and dad since i was 5), the moment i had an income i either paid them rent directly or i took over one of the household bills, it wasn't even about them asking - i wanted to help.
i saw growing up how much my parents struggled to make ends meet and to give us a happy life and make sure were fed, watered and clothed.
you're kids shoudl be offering to help - you shouldn't have to asked
i'm sorry to say but you've raised selfish kids and it's highly unlike anything you can do now will change that
nitroxc@reddit
The £100 a month is for him to have his place at the house. If he chooses to spend time elsewhere, he can pay the £100 a month knowing hes still got a safe place to come back to, if he decides he doesn't want to pay £100 a month, then he needs to sort his own living arrangements.
He's not paying you monthly depending on how many nights he stays, hes paying you for the security of knowing that whether he only needs to spend one night, or 50 nights at home, he can.
Dislexicpotato@reddit
Personally I would feel that I failed as a parent if I had to force my 18 year old son to pay rent.
Toffeemade@reddit
My mum agreed one third of your salary after tax for food lodging and bills. I think this is fair and will do the same with my kids.
ForeignSleet@reddit
You aren’t being unreasonable, it sounds like him not driving is a problem, so maybe tell him he can stop paying as long as he learns to drive and pays for his own driving lessons once a week (which will come to more than £100 a month anyway) that way he has better job prospects. If he refuses this then yeah he should pay. Also if he does that driving thing he has to buy all his own food. No more snacks kept in the house for him
Zee21_x@reddit
When I was living at my X's mum I payed 400 to be there, food and utilities
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
You won't find a room to share with strange people anywhere in the UK for 100£ Neither for 200£.
10 years ago when I started uni in one of the cheapest and crappie st cities in UK I paid 180£ for a tiny room in a huge houseshare (not student accommodation). There were strangers, people on benefits etc. One time we had a drug addict and I was still very grateful I could live there for such a low payment.
Bear in mind, this was 10 years ago. Same room in that crappy house would cost at least 350£ or higher now. Oh and they have converted the living room into a room too so there is no communal area there.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your post is long so looks like you've been juggling this a lot mentally already.
100£ is not much in your situation (with a disability).hopefully he will understand that
kavik2022@reddit
This. I moved into a houseshare for 450 in 2020. All bills included with ensuite. Everyone i told about it said it was a bargain.
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
It is!!! I paid £520 for a room with my personal bathroom that was separate from my bedroom BUT my bedroom didn't even have a propel wall and window (they added a room in the middle of the corridor if that makes sense). It was tiny and dark. The house was loud and dirty. I was the only one taking out the bins (5 people living in the household) Kitchen dirty all the time.
This was 4 years and and they have increased the rent payment since
kavik2022@reddit
Oh god. That was like mine. House of 6. Only 2 people taking the bins out. Apparently no one else used it. Kitchen was awful. Ended up with rats. Moved out over 6 months ago and i still feel glad when i come home to my own space
Silver_Highlight1936@reddit
Oh god. Not the rats O.o
I lived in a few disgusting houses. People wouldn't even bother to throw in the empty sauce containers into the bin properly. It would splash over everywhere and the bin bag would fall out.
There were a few times where I'd literally finish cleaning the kitchen and someone would put the dirty cutlery right in the middle of the counter.
Still have an imagine of me scrubbing the kitchen clean and literally minutes later one guy (works for amazon) cut the pizza with a huge knife and just threw it on the counter (not even the sink)
AutoModerator@reddit
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Phantom_Crush@reddit
My mother and I moved into a flat when she split up with my father. Admittedly I was working full time but I was giving her over £500 every month AND doing all my own shopping. This was 25 years ago too
Horror_Interest_914@reddit
Why does the eldest son get rewarded with double rent for working more hours? Seems unfair
OneSufficientFace@reddit
What an absolute weapon... 100 a month?! What an absolute steal, and half of what his sibling pays. How ungreatful.
If i were in your shoes itd either be 100 a month, or he can see what it feels like to be spending 1000 a month before he even gets to do anything he wants with the money. 100 a month doesn't even cover the food bill, let alone rent/utility bills/other bills/ etc etc...
Im sorry but at that age, and employed, he needs to be paying you rent. The fact hes not there as much reflects how much he pays.
Youre being too nice. Give them an ultimatum and they can pick what they would rather.
CellistNarrow5069@reddit
Ask to pay, put aside, give back if needed
k8blwe@reddit
100 is quite decent tbf. Its covers food and basic needs. Unlike some parents charging like 500 plus.
Theyre in the wrong to be annoyed. 100 is an amazing amount. Gives them a great opportunity to save for a deposit
futurehead22@reddit
I paid my mum 25% of whatever I earned because my work wasn't consistent when I started (some months that was £100 some months it could be £500) I felt that was fair as she actually needed the help and it somewhat prepared me for renting although it was still nowhere near the same costs. It's not hurting him. I'm sure he has stuff, so if nothing else you're charging a storage fee.
Own_Rabbit_7110@reddit
If he stops paying then the other one will want to stop too. ! It's not really fair then. Seriously, 100 is nothing!! He couldn't live anywhere else for that. Stay strong. Tell him it's 100 and if he doesn't like it, he can move out.
You keep a room for him, you provide food for him he can use your facilities, if he doesn't that's not your fault. They are available. You could rent his room out to a lodger and get 300-400, and less cheek. Stay strong! You are in the right.
Devil_Eyez87@reddit
Tell him that's not how bills work, when he has his own place and goes on holiday for 2 weeks he does get 2 weeks deducted from his rent. The best way to go would be to show both of your boys what the months costs are that includes any rent payments you pay, the bills, the taxes, any digital services you all use, shareded streaming site, WiFi etc and along with removing food from that bill. Once that's done have the discussion on what is a far split of the bills, hell break it down into the cost per day if there going to be so silly over £100 for a month's rent and say the can have a day or mo th rate
RgCrunchyCo@reddit
He’s complaining about paying £100 for his room to be reserved and be available at his disposal? You could rent it out for £100 a week and make some proper use out of it.
Melodic-Bird-7254@reddit
My Mom asked for £200 a month when I was 21 and came back home after uni for a couple of years and again over covid when I was 30 after a bad ending to a relationship.
I overpaid both times because I wanted to and knew I was getting away with such cheap rent. My earnings were around £1200 and then £2200 after tax each time.
sneddsdead@reddit
If they are working then damn right they should be paying rent. Yes the younger may stay at friends etc but there is always a place for him to come back to. If he had his own place could he say to the landlord the same, no he could not. None of us ask to be born but we are and unfortunately nothing in this life is for free. It's hard but ask if they could rent and get the same for what they pay you, of course not be careful what you wish for.......
VaporRyder@reddit
I would say "the price just doubled". When he complains, "it's now £400." 😁
Hot-Incident-4065@reddit
If you're covering bills and rent easily, have you considered that not charging them would help them get out sooner? Like you said, the economy is bad (lol it's not but anyway) and young people need help. Maybe suggest their 'rent' instead goes to driving lessons and saving for a car etc?
Whole_Necessary2040@reddit
He can't pay £100pm?? Up it to £200 so it's fair, should be equal, he can look for more work.
JusPlainAwful@reddit
As soon as I left education and my mum lost family support. I had to pay £200 a month. 4 children's monthly board made up a second parents wage to cover necessary bills. Its slowly went up until I moved out and paid even more. This was over 15 years ago as well.
Kids these days feel way too entitled. Don't want to work adn want everything for free
paradoxbound@reddit
Just tell him to leave.
Striking_Weather7005@reddit
Honestly, you're quite scummy for asking your children for money. If this is something for a deposit that will be given back later, just redirect them to open up an ISA and encourge them to put their money there since you clearly don't need the money.
Interesting_Baker410@reddit
I think if you are making him pay rent with the aim to "give it back" but he would prefer to save it himself and has shown that he knows how to save, then why not? There are other ways you can fill the satisfaction of being "paid", but to me it seems like you are acting as a bank, and since he doesn't want that, why is it an issue 😭.
Pale-Turnover5811@reddit
my first job I earned £500 a month. My parents still took £150 off me in 1998.
Prestigious_Part_841@reddit
He pays you £3.50 a day to live there ( on basis of 28 days per month). This kid has no idea how much things costs. Does he think electricity and gas are free? What about the wear and tear on the household?
It’s irrelevant that he’s not there that much. Threaten to chuck him out and get a lodger instead. See how quickly he realises how easy he has it.
dhffxiv@reddit
When I turned 18 (34) out of the about 400 the job centre gave me, 2-300 of that went to my grandmother for board. Obviously 100 was easier to live on back then with my home and food payed for.
100 is a very small ammount to ask for. If he doesn't want to contribute anything, he can always move.
Learning-EFWH8045@reddit
So when I was that age in 1988 my mum took £30 a week, and it was only a part time bar job, which is more that this boy is contributing nearly 40 years later.
Worldly-Stranger-528@reddit
If he wants to move out and not pay anything thats perfectly fair but to have the convenience of a front door key to be able to come and go stay as he pleases comes at a cost and tbh 100 a month is next to nothing. Basically he wants the convenience of somewhere should he need it . If thats the case he can get a house share which will cost him a lot more.
Suitable-Tension512@reddit
So a lot of pepole with mortgages or rent to pay spend a lot of time out of their own homes, and pretty much no bank or landlord is going to give them a discount or a free ride because they're not there much. Any earning adult in a house should be contributing towards the upkeep. Often parents keep on a larger property than they would need to if their adults kids weren't living at home - and that involves larger bills. If he finds the £100 pcm contribution too much to bear then he could look around for cheaper accomodation!
Illustrious-Milk6518@reddit
I’ve been buying my own clothes since the age of around 14. What do you mean he doesn’t buy his own clothes, as if that’s a mitigating factor?? That’s crazy
London-Reza@reddit
Very surprised by the popular responses here. I feel for the lad; sounds like he has a lot of love and respect for his mum still. Doesn’t deserve to be called a selfish twit by strangers on the internet imo. Sounds like he’s in a very challenging situation so I feel for the lad
AdThat328@reddit
Regardless of where you stay, you still have to continue paying rent on your home...so he should too. It's insane he's barely paying anything towards it.
Effective-Pea-4463@reddit
Never paid anything, my parents didn’t need my money, I saved some and enjoyed my youth, you’re young once. It would have been different if they were struggling, in that case I’m sure I would have contributed.
AspieComrade@reddit
Personally when I hit 18 and got a job I was the one to bring up with my parents that it was about time I started paying rent
Naive-Ostrich-4051@reddit
I can't talk to your specific situation, I can only give you mine. Left school at 16 with no job. At the time under 18s got bridging allowance (like the dole, doesn't exist anymore). I gave my parents 25% of it. I got a job, my parents got 25%. Managed to fly the nest for a while. Came back and gave them 25% of my earnings, whether dole or salary. Still managed to save for a rent deposit and moves out. A few unfortunate life events later and had to come back to the family home. My parents get 25% of whatever comes into my bank account theough a couplw of jobs. I have debts, I'm saving to move back out as soon as I get a better paying job. But I have always given 25% of what I get. It means I'm contributing to the household and don't feel like a leech on my (lovely) parents goodwill. The percentage may differ for your sons, my pay has never troubled the higher tax bracket. But even when they say I don't need to, I do for an attempt at self respect. Hope this helps, wish you well.
Learning-EFWH8045@reddit
He didn't ask to be born. When my kids say that I just say I didn't ask to be born either but we have ro get on with it 😅. I think he should still contribute, how about work out a nightly rate like a hotel tarriff and he pays when he's home. The electricity and council tax bills are still coming in whether he's there or not.
CCC_OOO@reddit
Would you rent out the room if he moved out? If not just let it be, don’t charge him and figure out your adult situation on your own. That may mean moving to a smaller flat and letting him know that is ok.
piratedataeng@reddit
Only white people ever think about doing this
Top-Garlic-2342@reddit
You sound like a wonderful parent. I genuinely wished my parents were like you. I paid my parents £450/500 back in 2016 and they never gave it back to me and they could also afford to have me live there. Obviously they don’t owe me anything, but it would have been nice if they had wanted to help get me on the property ladder. Honestly, if they had offered that for me, I would have been over the moon. I think stick to your guns and don’t even feel bad if you need to keep that money to cover the bills!
IntrepidMaybe8579@reddit
Erm yes they should both be paying.. its only gonna benefit them for getting ready for the world and either way it should be obligatory at this point and they should have done it already without you asking
Ok-Following-6620@reddit
So what do they spend the rest of their money on virtually no rent, no car! Personally I’d increase both by at least £100 per month. The youngest sounds so ungrateful. Like others have said he could find his own place for between £600 - £800 per month if he is very lucky.
spawnbong@reddit
What an asshole parent asking their children to pay rent lmao. Thank god i was born into a different culture.
sourpatchnova@reddit
I'm living with my parents currently and I pay £200 a month in board which goes towards bills, food, etc. I think it's only fair when I'm working and my parents are providing me a home.
If he has an issue with £100 a month, he'll be in for a shock when he sees rent prices, before you add on bills, etc. You can't tell your landlord you won't be paying rent this month cause you were barely home. It's a good way to set him up for the reality of moving out and having to budget each month.
MollieYAY@reddit
I wish I could pay £100 a month for rent and energy prices, even if I had to pay for all my own food/clothes/necessities etc on top. If he's not happy paying £100 a month, he's old enough to move out and get his own place, you don't HAVE to house him!
Benjammin123@reddit
Wow. Someone’s in for a big shock when they move out.
Salt-Campaign2883@reddit
Did anyone ever ask to be born? Really cant understand people saying that
Single-Aardvark9330@reddit
I pay my share of utilities/insurance
I doubt my parents are saving it anyway and I don't expect them to
I can understand a discount if he's a way alot, but you're still acting as a storage space for his stuff. If he wasn't there you could have a lodger after all
Outside-Magician8810@reddit
I would say if you don't need the money then let him do that. I get there is an attitude that people are adults are 18 and it's now their responsibility but if you feel like that would help put a deposit down for him then that would help him when it's hard with cost of living & saving. If he was there more often & ate loads, you did his laundry then I'd say say differently. Probably an unpopular opinion haha
Kiwizoo@reddit
My mum did this with all of us kids - she didn’t take a lot, but enough to help her to pay the bills (which as adults we should all at least contribute to). What it did do was lessen the shock a little when we did eventually move out and discover the crazy high prices for everything in the real world. You’ve already done your part by giving them a safe home until they were adults. It’s a rite of passage at some point to take on some responsibility as an adult. £100 and £200 isn’t unreasonable at all (my electric bill is more than that!). You sound like a good Mum too!
Gullflyinghigh@reddit
It's a small contribution to household costs, it's perfectly reasonable. If he's got a real problem with it then I'm sure he'll find somewhere equivalent for the same money.
fleshcircuits@reddit
does he know you’re keeping a hold of the money?
ProfessionalCamel110@reddit (OP)
Yes he does.
YetAnotherInterneter@reddit
Are you keeping it in the right place? Is it earning a decent interest rate or is it just sitting in a bank account at 0%?
Also have you considered LISAs? Your son could be earning a bonus from the government if he uses a LISA. But the account needs to be in his name, not yours.
Obvious_Flamingo3@reddit
That’s the thing, my parents had suggested taking my money and putting it into savings etc.
But to get the best returns in a LISA you’d want to be putting in the max (4k) and I doubt you’d get 4k of rent out of your son
The worst thing would be a parent sticking money into a bank account at 0%
YetAnotherInterneter@reddit
I mean even £1 in a LISA is better than nothing.
You get 25% of whatever you put in there so even if you can’t reach the maximum, putting whatever you can afford in it is still worth it.
butchbadger@reddit
Urban legend.
Typical-Algae-2952@reddit
The easier you are on them, the less incentive for them to be accountable. Entitlement is the enemy here. Being too generous breeds entitlement. The one who says he’s hardly there should pay a pro-rated amount for the nights he stays (calculate bills and a rent figure per night). The other one should pay an equivalent local rent to renting a room in an HMO. At some point they need to become adults and realise life owes them nothing and they need to step up and decide what sort of life they want to lead. The longer you take it easy on them, the longer it will take them to become adults.
shez19833@reddit
if you will be giving it back, whats the poin of this post? looks like you dont need the money? this is a separate issue from whether he should be paying when away, and the ans to that is yes as he wouldb be required to if he was renting properly
No-Replacement-9680@reddit
Can’t people on benefits apply for council tax reduction? Also bear in mind that an eighteen-year-old doesn’t even earn the full minimum wage.
SpiritDonkey@reddit
You’ve stitched yourself up by saying you’re saving it for him. I agree with him. If you’d said it just covers the bills while he’s there which sounds about right… then he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
No-Specialist787@reddit
Tough shit, they need to pay something, I get what you are saying, I hummed and heyed a bit, but my kids, now adults said later after leaving home that they thought it sucked but when they saw how their peers who didn't pay board at home or even had it paid for them at uni didn't have the first clue on the value of things, couldn't budget were always skint etc they were glad because they developed God budgeting and saving skills, lol doesn't mean they don't come looking for cash now and then and I don't mind as they definitely have a sensible attitude to money now
NoodleDoodlesocks@reddit
He should make a contribution if he expects his room/bed to be available to him as is.
They're adults now. They have to be held responsible and accountable for themselves and be treated like adults, regardless of however they rationalise their lack of motivation.
TheocraticAtheist@reddit
I paid my parents £100 and £150 in the winter.
Green-Thought23@reddit
My son pays board. But we work on a percentage rather than a set cash amount. He was disgruntled at first but once we showed him how much it cost for everything in the house and said if he wasn’t happy he could; do his own washing and pay for 1/4 electric, gas and buy his own detergents etc. Buy his own essentials like shower gel etc and a set amount for his room and the loft where all his stuff is stored - he hasn’t complained since! Little does he know he has a car waiting for him paid with said board when he turns 21.
Comfortable-Lynx8767@reddit
I disagree. I don't think kids should pay rent.
I think it's just bad inheritance planning. Don't you want to give back while you're alive?
Why not give them a leg up and help them get into the property ladder by avoiding renting
Catvinnatz@reddit
If he didnt live with you you could rent his room out for 400 -500 a month. He needs a reality check.
Easy-Development6480@reddit
Just tell him to move out so he can see your £100 is cheap. And why do you need to give him the money back?
That give the money back game only works when the kid doesn't know he's getting it back. I've always found it silly. Once you become an adult your parents can't be telling you what to do anymore and so you start paying rent.
JustAnth3rUser@reddit
My take on these kind of situations is thus... if the adult child is saving a good amount ( 75% of what they may pay in rent for their own gaff ) towards a mortgage deposit and the parent(s) are in a position to support that whilst the adult child is still living at home then we'll done everyone....
However if the adult child is going out clubbing and generally blowing all the cash every week/month then its time to take some serious action they pay the going rate ( or near to it ) or they GTFO.
CrowApprehensive204@reddit
I think £100 is a small contribution to the running of the house and he absolutely should be paying it x
Exemplar1968@reddit
I have 2 sons. 1 at 19 and one at 15. The 19 YO works part time and we ask for £50 a week towards rent/ food/ heating/ light etc. he pays us that. If your kids are not contributing then that’s down to you. Be a stronger parent. If they are over 18 then you need to either get rent or they rent somewhere else.
Necessary_Money_9757@reddit
If they're employed I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask for £200 per month for costs. I'm saying this as a 21 year old.
I'm at university, and my parents don't charge me for rent at home during the university holidays, but if I were at home and working I would want to pay something to contribute. My parents have paid off the mortgage so they probably wouldn't ask for a lot, but as a minimum I'd want to pay 1/3 of the bills, and if we were doing joint meals, 1/3 of the food bills.
We have family friends living in Kent and two of their sons commute to London. They do pay rent but they don't treat their parents very well, they never cook or wash their own clothes etc.
dreadwitch@reddit
If they're working they should pay rent and contribute to the bills. It's irrelevant if your son is hardly there if he had his own home he'd still have to pay rent if he wasn't there. I'd be charging him a lot more than £25 a week!
Although there's the legalities of it and you claiming benefits, you're probably committing fraud because if you've got 2 working adults living with you uc won't pay your rent, they expect the working people to do so.
Majick_L@reddit
Any time I lived with my Mum while over the age of 18 and in employment, I was expected to pay board…usually around £160-200 per month. It’s about learning budgeting and managing money / contributing to the household utility bills, not just food. I’ve always been quite independent though and went to the bank myself to open an account at 12 years old, had 2 part time jobs when I was 15/16 and at 18 I was working full time and living on my own. The only times I’ve had to move back to my parents were during periods of unemployment or financial difficulty, but I was still expected to chip in, even if on benefits
steeperturtle@reddit
I charge my daughter £200 a month from 16 (whilst working and was at college) paid on the 1st of every month no complaints. I dont need the money but this is part of the problem with this country, there is a bunch of kids with no understanding of how the world works.
CamouflageUK98@reddit
This is insane of course they should pay, and £100 is nothing I was paying that as soon as I left school at 16 and that was 15 bloody years ago
Both_King3970@reddit
Give me your sons phone number we need to talk
Next_Back_9472@reddit
I personally would not have my children paying rent as such but they should buy their own groceries if they want to eat at home or pay for internet bill if they use it.
Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit
I paid my mum £100 a month back in 1997. He’s been a typical cheeky 18 year old and trying his luck. I don’t charge my son anything because he is still in education and struggling to find a job. Call his bluff and tell him he is welcome to move out. Keep taking the £100 so he learns what it’s like in the real world, paying my mum keep taught me to always pay rent/mortgage and bills first.
Amazing-Move-8418@reddit
I think you should tell him to move out and get a place of his own .He would have to pay more then .He wouldn’t be able to save any money Thats for sure ..
Fellsy8@reddit
My parents were very well off but my mother still took housekeeping from me.
I went through a very rocky patch as my two eldest became adults and was unfortunately in rented accommodation. I was working but it was low paid and I would have been able to claim council tax benefit and some housing benefit if they had not been living there and working. They paid a third of their take home earnings each month for housekeeping and that was all inclusive; I still did their washing and meals etc and the maximum contribution was £350, no matter how much they earned as I did not need more than this. I worked on the old adage a third for your keep, a third for yourself and a third to save. Both have now moved out and bought their own homes.
I am now financially better off and own my own home outright so I am undecided what to do when my youngest starts earning. In some ways, I feel he should be treated the same but on the other hand it is not actually needed.
-j-o-n-n-y-@reddit
If they are living at home and are over 18 it's totally fair to ask them to contribute to the bills and upkeep of the home.
They should both be paying the same amount of money, it shouldn't be based on who earns more.
If they don't want to contribute then they should go pay rent and bills and council tax and for food and everything else on their own, £200 a month for rent is not a lot.
Point out that if they moved out you could downsize and save a considerable amount of money and you're doing them a favour.
Fun-Calligrapher2363@reddit
I know the standard view is that adult children should obviously pay rent, and anyone who thinks otherwise needs a reality check. But I’d like to share a different side of the story.
When I started making my own money, my mother and grandmother constantly shamed me. They lectured me about how "spoilt" I was, telling me to "grow up" and reminding me that "there’s no such thing as a free lunch." I didn't even have a set rent amount; my mother just expected half of whatever I earned. They made me feel so unwelcome that I moved out as fast as I could.
It wasn't until years later that I looked back at their lives. My mother never paid rent to her parents. She didn't even start a full-time job until her late twenties, spending her youth partying and avoiding responsibility. She moved from one council house to another whenever she got bored and often lived off benefits. My grandmother was in a similar boat; she moved into a brand-new council house when she got married and never really worked. She didn't have much, but she never had to worry about a roof over her head or food on the table because the state covered everything.
The opportunities they had simply don't exist anymore, and it’s even harder for the generations coming up now.
With the cost of living through the roof, it’s only fair that kids help out. But don't use shame to make them do it. It doesn't just get you the money, it permanently damages the relationship.
Usual_Flounder_4203@reddit
I feel a bit like given the current econony you should give young people every chance you can. Older generation certainly had an easier start in many ways and young people are broke af. But in your example 100 quid is pretty reasonable.
Locorio@reddit
They’ve both to pay digs and that’s the end of it.
waveform06@reddit
The moment I started working, my mum wanted rent and board.
AssistantMaterial387@reddit
Tell him to research how much it would cost for him to move out, then ask again if he thinks it's a fair price or not. At the end of the day, even if he's not there, he is stopping the space from being used by someone else who would be happy to pay.
Inevitable_Twist2181@reddit
If you don’t need the money and are going to give it back to him then you’re really gaining nothing by charging him rent other than his resentment. Personally I’d stop charging him.
deppyjon@reddit
They should pay rent
TheBookofBobaFett3@reddit
Every kid living at home should contribute. In UK it’s called ‘digs’
Tons_Of_Anarchy@reddit
If he lived on his own he would still have to pay rent if he was away visiting friends. Tell him he has to keep paying as long as there is a roof for him. He can't have his cake and eat it. If my mum was disabled and I lived there, I wouldnt dream of living there rent free.
darklinkuk@reddit
Its that or go share a house with one of his mates and pay 3/4/5x what you are asking
I don't think it's unreasonable at all OP if he's hardly there maybe its time he moves out and gets the shock of his life.
aaa-ccc@reddit
I was paying rent as soon as I turned 18, maybe even before then. £100 a month over 10 years ago. I'm currently paying £1,100. Your kids don't know how lucky they have it in today's current state.
Fluffy-Vast-4848@reddit
I'm from southern Europe and I think asking your kids rent is cringe af. Money should flow the opposite way. Have them stay rent free on exchange of them saving up the money and opening some sort of investment/savings account.
Also the "I'll give the money back later" sounds like it's going to happen as long as nothing happen to you so that you will need them.
Rarer-than-dnb@reddit
Im not there yet (mine are 13 and 15) but it sounds like you’re being reasonable. I paid a lot more than that to my mum, on minimum wage at 16! I think in an ideal world, we’d all be in a position to let our kids live rent free early adulthood, so they can save up quicker to drive, buy a property, etc. but it’s just not possible for many of us.
Ask your son whether he’s asked any of his mates if he can live with them permanently for £100pm? I’ll bet he hasn’t!
Do they both do chores around the house? Depending on your answer, I’d perhaps negotiate with him on taking on more household responsibilities if he wants to pay less - if you can afford to do so. I imagine this could be quite helpful for you with your disability?
If you’re able to put the rent money aside as savings for them when they move out then that’s great, but if you need to dip into it to cover everyday expenses I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it either. My 15 year olds a lad and the amount they can eat is insane, he’s getting a bargain on the cupboards being stocked alone!
vampireefangzzz@reddit
what on earth is your son complaining about?? I pay 550 to live at home and I don’t moan about it, he needs to give his a head a wobble
96JY@reddit
I can't imagine charging my own child to exist with you, seems absolutely wild to me, regardless of their age.
Lower_Money_9589@reddit
If you're saving the £100 to give back to him then it isn't rent, its a saving scheme.
I don't charge my son a penny becasue I want him to go when his able to and we can afford that. He currently has £12k saved in a year for the deposit he is saving for, with a goal of £30k. Thats 2 and a half years at this rate. If I'd been charging him rent as a gesture at £100 a month then that's 3 unnecessary months he's living with us.
You have to know your kids and your circumstances. There is no fixed answer.
therejectxo@reddit
My mum was a single parent her rent was £1450 a month. She charged me half as the eldest at 16 onwards. Whilst I was at college meaning I had to get full time evening/night work, along with a few extra cash in hand jobs. I paid her for atleast 4 years. In this time she charged my partner the other half. All she had to do was send it to the landlord and cover utilities for my 2 younger siblings and food. She ended up abandoning me and the kids in the flat (signed abandonment papers - literally stating she doesn't want to look after the younger two at the time 16f & 17m - long story) Come to find out she hadn't paid the rent in two+ years... yeah where did the money go lol! then when cleaning out her things come to find in her 8 year tenancy she also had NEVER paid electric/gas or council tax! Because why would you when the law states they can't cut you of with children... was her reasoning. So even if you kept it I think you should still charge them because it's getting them ready for the real world.
NIP_SLIP_RIOT@reddit
I’ll pay you £200
Affectionate_You_858@reddit
He should be paying no doubt, youre an absolute hero btw
PristineKoala3035@reddit
If you’re really gna give it back when he moves out what’s the point? Who is that gesture really for?
glasshomonculous@reddit
As long as you give it back when they move out then yes, but also, charge them the same. Charging one more than the other seems like an awfully good way to build resentment in the family.
Automatic_Screen1064@reddit
Put his rent up , that will sort it
plant-bean@reddit
I dont think £100 is unreasonable at all, I paid more than that when I lived at home and bought my own food.
annedroiid@reddit
Generally speaking I'm against asking for contributions from kids if you can afford not to but it doesn't sound like you're in a financial position to do that.
wordshavenomeanings@reddit
They're adults, not kids.
annedroiid@reddit
I meant to say "from your kids", not "from kids".
Realistic_Pickle2309@reddit
My parents could afford not to take rent but once me and my siblings were working we paid rent to our parents. Years later my mum told me she felt bad at the time but I was glad that we did pay rent. It taught me how to budget and also I was still able to save a lot of money as the rent at home was much less than if I had moved out and paid rent to a random landlord. Each to their own of course, and every situation is different.
Honey-badger101@reddit
They are adults they should be contributing and I would think they would want to help? Anyway alternatives are rent somewhere and they will be paying more lol. *Also its their room...if you have lodgings and are away you are still expected to pay for your room,wheather you are in it or not!
Asher-D@reddit
Either you need the money to live/he lives there too or you don't/he doesn't live there.
If you can give the money back, you don't need it. I don't think parenit's should ever charge kids just to hold the money to "gift" it to them later. And by the sounds of it, he doesn't even live there?? He just visits sometimes? Yeah that's wrong to charge him in that case, unless he wants to help you and that money wouldn't be returned.
nebulousrealist@reddit
It may land better if it's a contribution to the house and not you saving it for a later date. I do get his side of him barely being there, but all of his stuff is there and he's not moved out, he chooses to be away a lot. You would y start charging him more if he was there daily, only if he earned more.
It sounds harsh but if he doesn't want to make a contribution towards the home then he can look to finding his own place if he feels being present should dictate where his money goes.
As an aside it sounds like there's some detachment going on with your kids so you may want to consider further conversations with him to try and connect
Normal-Grapefruit851@reddit
I paid more than that 25 years ago when I moved home to my gran’s the year I finished uni.
smurphinden@reddit
"I didnt ask to be born" is a disgusting thing to say to your parent.
StormySally@reddit
Are you not the one covering the increase in gas, electricity and water costs? Are they using broadband you are paying for? I knew someone who had a rule with their kids, that regardless how much they earned, they contributed 25% rent. At the end of the day it teaches them about budgeting and money management. Even to rent a room around here you’re looking at £900pcm and upwards. Be firm. You’re covering the extras, they need to help.
Shirelurk@reddit
I firmly believe you should be asking for more. It's only possible they can dodge housing costs in the very singular case that their disabled parent is happy to not take rent!
Were they elsewhere they wouldn't be anywhere close to £200 p/m. I'm also of the mind you shouldn't give it back and they can learn to lose the cost of living.
If anything, allowing them both the extra breathing room to have £100 or £200 spare will hurt them more when they have to spend £600 or £700 finding a place alone.
arfur-sixpence@reddit
I was paying my mum over £100 a month 45 years ago. As for "didn't ask to be born" tell him neither did you, but here we are. Invite him to find somewhere cheaper to live if he can.
Dervona@reddit
I had to pay £500 a month some 20 odd years ago when I was late teens, I spent a lot of time at my boyfriends then too so wasn't home much. They are getting off lightly with £100 and would pay so much more if they rented privately themselves.
ambergriswoldo@reddit
No landlord is going to agree to less rent just because he’s not there that much. £100 a month is amazing - plus it’s contributing towards the utilities he uses when he’s there.
Antique-Ratio6597@reddit
Me personally If he's not driving I would ask for the 100 and pay for his driving lessons/car fund. If he isn't using any food or using much electricity I wouldn't take money for my child living in a house that's being paid for via mortgage or benefits.
Legalist450@reddit
I don’t have much to say apart from you’re not doing anything wrong, with asking for board. Your kids need a life lesson.
Alouema2@reddit
Even if he's only working part time £100 a month might be a quarter of his wage. When he moves out he'll easily spend more than a quarter on bills. Tell him you need it whether you do or not. He needs to learn to budget and save.
_lil_brods_@reddit
My brother works full time, and gives my mum £600/month. I work part time and I give her £200/month. You are not being unreasonable at all. Like another commenter said, he is free to move out and spend his money renting somewhere else. Imo, he’s being very ungrateful.
Alone-Firefighter283@reddit
It’s only £100, given you are not in a great financial situation right now then he should be helping you out. That money is nothing compared to how much it would cost to live elsewhere. Also if he stops then your other so might also think he can get away with not paying
lostandfawnd@reddit
Does he keep his stuff there when he is "not there that much"?
Then you can argue he should put it in storage so you can get a longer in.
Basic_Ad426@reddit
I would of loved to have a mum who would allow me to live at home and actually think about me, never mind your doing this while suffering from health issues.
Your a good mum and your son should recognise how lucky he is and should want to help of his own back not be asked too
Heaving_Manwood@reddit
Just charge them equal amounts of rent. Split it three ways. Helps you out and they still get discounted living accommodation from paying full price on rent. They’d be paying way more if they left
mlo_66@reddit
My parents rule was 10% of whatever me and my brother earned while we still lived under their roof. We thought it was more than fair!
DarrenTheDrunk@reddit
If he’s working and living at yours then he should be paying food and board, I always paid something even when I was signing on. Tell him to grow the hell up.
wishbonegirl@reddit
I think he’s being inconsiderate. He can move out if he’s not happy contributing £100 a month. I don’t think it matters that he’s hardly there or any other excuse he’s given. He has a home he can walk in and out of when he wants without batting an eyelid.
ElefanteAmor@reddit
We had our adult kids pay rent. Not a large amount. But then gave it to them when they needed a deposit on their first apartment. I don’t think it’s wrong and I think it puts them in the right mindset of meeting, basic financial obligations.
Of course, all of that is different from culture to culture.
Acceptable-Creme-184@reddit
With the cost of living being what it is id charge them £250 each per month (as an absolute minimum) unless they are in fulltime education. They are using your gas, water, electricity and internet. You pay Council tax/rent or mortgage on top of that too.
You are not doing them any favours if you just let them freeload. How are they going to learn how to budget and be responsible for bills etc?
As you are about to have no income and are disabled they should be offering to pay their way anyway.
If they don't like it let them look around for somewhere to rent and they will soon see how good a deal £250 a month is.
If you want to save the money they give to out towards a house deposit that's your choice, unfortunately it sounds like you are going to need that money for bills pretty soon.
They aren't children anymore if they are working and out of school.
Captftm89@reddit
When I was 21, I earned £18k and paid my parents £500pm. In hindsight that does seem a little extreme.
But at least £200pm is surely pretty standard??!?
Effective-Design2378@reddit
I paid my mom more than when I was still living it at home, they’re both working so they have no reason not to be contributing. If they pay a landlord 950 a month I’m sure he won’t be coming round to do their laundry or make their tea either so that’s not relevant.
Inner-Purple-1742@reddit
He could always put his stuff in storage & pay for a hotel when he’s not away, that would cost a lot more that £25 a week!
xmagikarptitex@reddit
Tell them to be grateful because I'm paying my parents £400 a month🤣
X2epsilon@reddit
You have a job you contribute that was my mothers rules. Sliding scale depending on job like when I was 12 i didn’t give her cash I just bought the milk in the morning in way back from me paper round At 15 was working weekends and one evening in chippy so l started paying actually money. It was not about taking it from me and saving as any older child and parent knows kids always get more back cos that’s what we do as parents. It was simply to help me prepare for when I did leave home. We as parents always want to support our children but allowing them to contribute when they an adult just helps them prepared for the future
velos85@reddit
I paid "keep" to my Mum, not rent. So it was about £300 a month. She kept £200 to ward food and bills and everything else, put £100 a side for me for when I was ready to move out.
It helped me understand how spending works when you have bills to pay. Paying £X a month as well as trying to save is a good way to go about it imo.
Obvious_Flamingo3@reddit
Did she put that money into an account with interest?
PixaaTog@reddit
That’s 💯 A Grade parenting right there 👏🏻
TheSmallestPlap@reddit
How do you expect them to ever afford to move out if you're handing them expenses? At the end of the day, it is your choice, but there are things you can do. If you're going to do this, keep the money aside for them, and give it them as a package when they do decide to move out to give them enough for a flat deposit and maybe some furniture.
Ok_Raspberry5383@reddit
So a (disabled) parent should just pay for their children in perpetuity even when they're adults... What the hell is wrong with some people.
No wonder so many young adults cannot look after themselves. Bet your kids are utterly useless in life
TheSmallestPlap@reddit
I certainly believe that a parent should hold some degree of responsibility and support their children, no matter their age until they're able to become fully independent. They certainly didn't ask for the world to be the way it is, increasingly expensive, with seemingly everyone in a position of privilege pulling the ladders up behind them.
I'm doing just fine, thank you for your concern, but as for my children, my partner and I decided the good part of a decade ago that we werent having any.
Ok_Raspberry5383@reddit
Thank god you aren't. Last thing we need is more young adults who cannot manage finances
KeyInspection4135@reddit
No need to project mate
TheSmallestPlap@reddit
Coming in here with a "don't let him breed" mentality certainly is one for the scrapbook . But was there any indication that I cannot manage my own finances? As I said previously, I'm doing just fine and was brought up in a similar manner to what I suggested.
New_Libran@reddit
It's £100 a month, barely "expenses"
TheSmallestPlap@reddit
One man's pocket change can be another man's fortune
CaterpillarLoud8071@reddit
I mean, the more money they can save, the quicker they'll be out of your hair.
If you're upfront that you'll give the money back to help them rent or buy, then he does know this. But if he wants to save it himself, you probably should let him as it could come across as you not trusting his adult judgement. He could also be concerned that you'll take the money for good if you lose your income, and protecting himself against that is reasonable.
However, if he's still just wasting his money on things and you don't trust that he'll make the effort if you don't save it for him, then continuing to request rent with the full knowledge that he'll get it back is something he might appreciate in the future. He can always move out fully.
EngineeredGal@reddit
I paid my mum £200 a month when I turned 18…
…25 bloody years ago. And I stayed with friends in the city 2/3 nights a week.
A room to rent is at least £400-£700!
Charge the cheeky sod more!
Decent-Platform-2173@reddit
Nothing wrong with the small contribution you are asking for.
Ay-Up-Duck@reddit
As soon as I turned 18 I paid my mum £200 a month board and that was just under 20 years ago - when I moved back in due to disability I paid her out of my savings and then out of my benefits, it's really not too much to ask that he pays you board.
My mum didn't say she would save it and give it back to me when I moved out though, I contributed with the expectation that it went to bills and food etc.
Perfect_Peps@reddit
Double it and put half in a secret savings for them or tell them to leave
Limp-Archer-7872@reddit
Time to increase their rents to market rate for a room and stoo buying them food, washing liquid, , etc.
You can save this money for them for the future iof course, or you can discount that rent by the amount they demonstrate they put into a LISA each month.
KeyInspection4135@reddit
In your specific case I think this is reasonable given your health.
For the vast majority of people in their 50s+ they have had it pretty easy regarding assets so they wouldn't actually need the rent money. They just seem to want to make life even harder for their children for some reason. Then again it's a weird British culture thing. Plenty of my mates from immigrant families paid nothing and got on the ladder and built equity way sooner. Also have better bonds with their parents on average..
Leading-Ad-1486@reddit
Charge my 2 that are still at home rent (both over 18) & make them put extra into savings each month too- nothing wrong with it what so ever.
Paying your way is part of life unfortunately
taknyos@reddit
I'd usually be in the boat of don't charge rent to your kids (at least not when they're only 18) and if you do then plan to give it back in the future.
Given your circumstances though, and the fact it's only £100, it's a bit cheeky asking to not pay it.
Ok_Light_7227@reddit
Unless you really need the money (which you don't from your post), I don't think you should ask your kids for rent at all. Wealth transfer from young to old makes no sense at all.
RoyalConsistent@reddit
My son gives me 40 quid a week im on benefits and disabled. If I had the chose of course he wouldn't have to pay a penny.
GenGaara25@reddit
For his age, at minimum wage, £100 is less than 10 hours of work. You say he's earning above minimum wage, so £100 should be nearly exactly one days work for him. He is contributing one day of his pay per month. That's not a lot and leaves quite a lot spare for him to do what he wants with.
I would suggest actually calculating what he costs per month. How many days he is there, how many nights he sleeps there, how much food he does eat, how much electricity he does use, etc. Then see if it's over £100. If it is, show him and prove he still costs at least that to home.
GustappyTony@reddit
I think it would have been fair to be asking for rent, simply due to your personal situation. However if you don't need the money, why not just trust your son to save it himself? I do think British parents can on average be a bit selfish when it comes to this stuff. At the end of the day they are still your children that you chose to have, they don't stop being your kids at some magical age and I promise you they would rather move out. Taking their money from their minimum wage job, whilst the parents are in most cases better off just doesn't make sense to me. Again, your situation is obviously different op, but you did also highlight that you didn't need the money and planned to give it back anyway.
If the money from your other son is being used to help with bills, utilities, etc. Maybe just tell your older son you'll take half the rent he currently pays, and then £100 off his brother. Keeps it fair between the two, and won't disrupt any financial needs you might have.
Katskan11@reddit
I paid £40 a week in 2001 when I got my first job!
HenryofArabia@reddit
Glad nobody here is my mum and dad.
harryhardy432@reddit
We pay my fiancees parents £920 a month to live in a house they bought outright with cash. He can suck it up for the pittance you're charging
Hcmp1980@reddit
How'd you treat the older kids? Be fair.
I worked whilst a student but parents only charged rent once I was out if studying and working full time. Being under employed wasn't a concept in our home, we caught buses, we worked crappy jobs... we worked.
NightBusToGiro@reddit
You're not a savings account.
HobNob_Pack@reddit
Two grown adults living at home should pay yes.
The 18 year old in this day and age i assume could still be classed as a child with how they act.
But yes a 20 year old grown adult should contribute
Mediocre_mum26@reddit
Absolutely. My daughter only earns £6k a year less than me at age 21. We aren’t rolling in it so we ask her to contribute £200 (10%) of her pay. That goes towards all her food and utilities. I had to pay my mum £50 a week on a £600 monthly take home pay in the 90’s so she has it good.
XPiiRed@reddit
he should pay or find a permanent place to stay elsewhere if he’s so certain he doesn’t need your house
BeetleJude@reddit
When I was living with my mum I was paying £600 a month and thinking it was a steal! (She even cooked for me)
This was a good 15yrs ago so YMMV
thecheesycheeselover@reddit
That’s quite funny, because around that time I was paying £400 for a room in a lush house in London, so I don’t know that it was a steal! BUT it sounds like you had a great experience, so clearly in your case it was worth it :).
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
How much were you making, because £600 is a rip-off!
BeetleJude@reddit
I was on 25k-ish I think? Maybe a bit more?
Mum was retired so it made a huge difference, and honestly it was amazing, home cooked meals every night and she even did my washing sometimes 😂
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
Damn, I guess if you're getting meals and laundry done it kind of makes it slightly worth it.
dalmetherian@reddit
Living on your own reduces your council tax by a massive amount. They should be paying the difference. We haven't even considered the extra cost of utilities.
underwater-sunlight@reddit
They have the option to go somewhere else and pay a lot more. The fact that you want to give the money back is great but probably something I wouldn't have told them until it happens
Broken_Woman20@reddit
The is is what I was thinking. Best kept as a surprise. Paying rent is an important step into adulting.
UnlikelyPie8241@reddit
Your health and wealth should not factor here. They are adults and they will never in life have it easier than right now. Honestly you’d be doing them a favour. Yes easier said than done. I’ve been there but thankfully not for long.
Stackhouse7489@reddit
If you need the money, then ask them for it.
But I dont agree with parents framing it as if their children owe it to them - as the majority on this thread seem to feel.
They are probably oblivious to your difficulties and impending financial circumstances. Inform them of where you are at and involve them in your thought process/budget/plans. Ask them how much more they would be willing/able to contribute going forward.
But, personally, I wouldn't be demanding payment as a form of obligation or rent. Especially with regards to the younger son. And I do agree with him that it makes little sense to be "saving" on his behalf.
If they can't or won't help you financially, then of course you have no choice but to consider alternatives i.e. renting out the room, and you tell them this.
Ancient-Egg2777@reddit
I have always told my children they will always have a home with us...as long as they are employed/actively volunteering or in school. BUT, they would be expected to contribute to the household. The garden, laundry, cleaning, the dogs... or monetary rent. Whether Son wants to accept this or not, he IS taking up space. He IS accepting the securities that come with home ownership. Should he lose his source of income, he KNOWS that he is good-to-go and he will have a roof over his head.
There is a level of entitlement that is coming from this post: wanting the privileges that come with being a child, while enjoying the fruits of being an adult. Son No. 2 should be encouraged, WITH LOVE, to seek his fortune on his own. OP should hold firm with the decision that he is ready to be out there!
yoho1234@reddit
If you are struggling then he should pay a fair contribution to running costs. He is right in saying he was not asked to be born, I was in the same boat as him once but I was told to pay market rate rent. Which I didn’t agree with.
TheBlackHymn@reddit
Tell him to price up the alternative (moving out) and come back to you about how unreasonable it is.
kanben@reddit
Tell him to look for a place to rent, then ask for the “I stay over at my friends place a lot” discount
BigJDizzleMaNizzles@reddit
It's £20 a week for the convenience of being able to come and go as he pleases. He chooses to stay away. If you go on holiday and stay in a hotel, do you get 2 weeks off your mortgage that month? Of course not.
It's literally the least he could pay, if he doesn't like it, tell him to resolve his underemployment and find himself somewhere else to live.
YchYFi@reddit
Yeah and council tax is cheaper without extra bodies in the house.
DefinitelyNotEmu@reddit
> It's literally the least he could pay
*Literally* the least he can pay is zero
BigJDizzleMaNizzles@reddit
Ok. literally the least he could pay without being a gigantic pisstaker.
Broken_Woman20@reddit
I think the point here is the word ‘literally’.
Sea-Statistician2776@reddit
When I lived at home and was working I had to pay a third of my wages as rent…
Additional_South_833@reddit
Your sons are entitled ungrateful little shites. And you, their mother, in ill health and not doing well financially. Shame on them.
BeneficialVariety171@reddit
It’s really up to you.
Reddit consensus is yes they should contribute.
Real life consensus is more nuanced. I would never expect my child to pay to live in their own home but that’s my view and my choice.
If you want them to continue to pay, then you can make them do that.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I'd expect it if they were 25+ working in a proper job. Not an 18 year old working part time. Most young people that age are still studying. I'd feel this would pressure them into working just to earn money rather than finding what's right for them.
leclercwitch@reddit
My mum chargers my sister £80 a month!!! She’s bloody 27. If he’s not happy paying £100 how’s he gonna pay the rent in his own place? Charge him. If he doesn’t like it then tough!
Georgxna@reddit
As a 20 year old living with a single, widowed mother, I am absolutely paying rent.
It’s not like how it was where you free ride and move out early. Most of us will be living with you lot til we’re 30. I’m an adult, independant, my ‘landlord’ deserves rent.
Steups13@reddit
Is the youngest planning on sofa surfing? I ask because it sounds like he's moving out. £100 is a very reasonable rate to know you're going to have a roof over his head. In our younger days we still went out a lot, but still had to pay bills. If he can't budget his money properly, then he needs to learn to live within his means. He can search what a room or flat costs locally as well to see how good he has it. This is a life lesson. He needs to pay.
Jumpy-Jello-@reddit
£100 is a very small amount for rent, I think at his age it would be a better lesson in financial responsibility to keep charging the £100, as if/when he has a private landlord, he won't be granted rent reductions.
Besides, if you are going to give it all back, as the adult you know that more money later down the line is going to benefit him more, than more money now. His motivation to have more might be what he needs to get him looking harder on the job front.
I totally get where he's coming from at his age, but at the same time he should really consider your situation and want to contribute to the home you are all living in together.
thehoneybadger1223@reddit
If they aren't happy paying, propose that you move into a one bedroom bungalow (to make it cheaper for yourself) and they can work out what their next moves are. They have to face facts that if they don't help, that is what will have to happen eventually.
KoMaMcNoob@reddit
Ask for rent without any shame at all.
No matter where you are the alternatives for 100 or 200 a month is virtually non-existent. The circumstances you have noted would sound like it is necessary as well, you need it for emergencies.
On top of that you pay for his council tax, maybe TV licence, his listed residence to get work all if he "barely stays there". His share of council tax alone is more than rent.
LowarnFox@reddit
£100 a month is very little even when on minimum wage. I'm pretty sure I was paying that as rent to my parents in the early 00s! I was welcome to things in the cupboards but I also bought my own food etc.
If he wants to use your address to apply for jobs and things such as phone contracts, he has to live with you for council tax purposes. You're also presumably storing his belongings.
I would suggest to him that if he can find another solution that allows him to be registered for council tax elsewhere and give you a spare room, then he doesn't owe rent. If he wants your place as his main address and to store things, he needs to contribute.
I'd say 1/3 of your council tax plus a reasonable storage fee (£10-20 a week) would be fair, which is almost certainly more than £100 a month!
Loud-Welder1947@reddit
I agree with him though. It’s not really a contribution is it. If it went on bills and stuff then fair enough but he doesn’t need you to garnish his wages in an effort to create savings. However with your situation it sounds like you’re actually going to need that money for bills in the future, and at that point yeah fair enough. I understand the idea behind what you’re doing. Get him used to paying rent for the future. But if he’s only home for a couple more years, for example, it’s gonna be 2.4k which is hardly a big amount.
New_Libran@reddit
You say you don't need the money. Obviously I don't know your financial situation but it sounds to me like you could use some help otherwise avoid the unnecessary aggro. Your son is acting entitled though
thecheesycheeselover@reddit
Idk, I can see both asides. I think 18’s quite young to start paying a contribution, I would normally expect that to happen around one’s early 20s. There’s no chance I would have been asked for a penny at 18. And if he’s often away anyway, it could come across as a bit mean. People are pointing out that he isn’t paying market rent, but most 18yos are turfed out the moment they become adults, anyway.
BUT having said that, it’s true that you aren’t asking much at all and you’re saving it for him anyway. So you’re essentially requiring him to save, which is a good habit to train into him.
If that’s the goal, perhaps you could instead require him to open a savings account and put the money into there each month, and show you the statements monthly (or whatever interval feels right to you)? That might make him feel more independent, and give him the chance to flex that self-control. If he doesn’t actually do it, that’s a separate conversation.
Saying you didn’t ask to be born is an idiotic argument about almost anything, though. Nobody asked to be born, too bad. Every single person on the planet is in the same position on that one.
Randomfinn@reddit
Tell your son you’ll be renting out his room starting June 1st to a lodger for £600 room only. If it doesn’t have value to him, it will have value to someone else and he needs to live in the real world
JGalKnit@reddit
I had an adult child at my home a few times.
1st - still in undergrad, was working enough hours to be able to pay rent, but we didn't mind the "free" room and board, because good grades, college student, no biggie. (3 years)
2nd - same child, had moved out but moved back in due to expenses during Masters. No rent so that she could get a job and get out. (less than 1 year)
I had no problem not charging rent. However, if an adult child moved in now, my expenses would go up. Utilities, food, etc. I would be happy to charge far less than what "rent" would be, and the amounts you are charging seem fair. Realistically, you aren't just letting them live there, you are "storing" their belongings as well. What would they pay for that?
boringfantasy@reddit
If you want them to stay there for longer, then sure. I'll never support this unless they're like 35, making bank and purely leeching. They're so young ffs.
Ok_Raspberry5383@reddit
They're adults ffs, stop infantilising them
EvilTaffyapple@reddit
I paid my mum £250 per month when I lived with her for 6 months after uni. That was when I was on £11,500 back in 2004.
Your sons are paying just under this 22 years later. It doesn’t sound like they pay enough.
Ok_Raspberry5383@reddit
1). Both should pay the same regardless of income.
2). I don't tell my landlord that I'm barely there so do I really have to pay rent...
3). 100-200 per month is vastly less than renting or a mortgage.
4). If you don't want to be 'charging' them then take the rent, put it in a high yield savings account and give it back to them when they buy a house
toady89@reddit
You didn't ask to have your adult son living at home or to become disabled and unable to work. Part of being an adult is contributing to the household. £100 is a lot less than he'd pay elsewhere and he wouldn't be able to do as much traveling as he does if he moved out.
Dangerous_Bed2566@reddit
Do they buy their own food? Pay utilities?
Frankly they have an excellent deal
Embarrassed-Move2497@reddit
I'm not a parent with adult children but I am an adult child with a strong opinion on this...
Charging your adult children rent is fine, as long as its reasonable. E.g. Not taking all of their money, not charging what a landlord would charge. Your charges seem more than reasonable especially considering your situation. The idea of saving it for them to give it back is lovely. I can understand why some peopl in the commenta disagree though.
My brother is 2 years younger than me and lives with our parents. He has done all of his life. They charge him rent and... Keep it. They have never supported me financially once I left home. Their mortgage is paid off. I with either of them had the thoughtful nature you do and that they would save that money and split it between us.
What I am saying is I think you're doing the right thing and being kindhearted about it. Your younger son doesn't know how good he's got it.
DIY_at_the_Griffs@reddit
£100 is so low, keep doing it but let him know there’s a pot ready when he wants to move out. He needs to give something, even if nobody lives at home it still costs money for standing charges, council tax etc. that doesn’t go away because he’s staying at his mates house.
Important_Ruin@reddit
I was never charged rent. However I paid for the additional stuff I used (Sky Sports, little extra supplement for gas/electricity) which was about £100 p/m and bought my own mid week food.
I'd not charge my own kids rent when got older, but may as them to contribute to utilities etc like I did.
yossanator@reddit
He's moaning about £25 per week, yet can spend money on going to see his mates in other Cities? You are providing him with a permanent residence, so he can always come back from his mates, knowing he has a bed, kitchen to use, bathroom to clean/bathe, laundry etc. All of that for 25 quid a week. Lucky wee fecker.
Squared-Porcupine@reddit
It teaches them a bit of responsibility. He's basically saying he doesn't live there anymore, if thats the case - he can move out officially then he won't have to pay you anything.
YetAnotherInterneter@reddit
I believe everyone should be contributing to the household expenses (council tax, energy bills, broadband, groceries, etc.) how you split that is up to the three of you to arrange. You need to have an open conversation that is fair to everyone.
But I am a firm believer that parents should not charge any additional “rent” outside of the household expenses.
Your son is right. There is no point you holding onto his money only to give it back to him in the future. He needs to save it for himself. He needs to learn how to budget and save. You are not helping him do this if you just hold onto his money for you.
There may also be legal implications of you holding onto his money. As far as the law is concerned, he would be “gifting” you the money which legally makes it yours. That could disqualify you for UC/PIP if you go over your allowance.
Also he would be missing out on schemes designed for younger people such as LISAs. When you save into a LISA the government gives you an addition 25% bonus! That’s free money he is currently turning down. Might as well claim it.
WeDoingThisAgainRWe@reddit
It’s entirely up to you. There is no fixed rule and it depends on circumstances. There’s both sides to this. If you need the help to keep the house going then you need the help. So you’re entitled to ask. At the same time if he’s paying for his own stuff then how much is the question and it sounds fair that he’s paying a low amount.
One of ours moved out when she started working. The other may or may not do the same. Considering how much it costs for them to rent and get started we’re still helping them out. We’ve talked about the working and home situation and we’re also torn between helping them to get set up and getting some contribution. But then we’re both still working full time. If that changed it might be a conversation.
RetroBoxRoom@reddit
Your home is not a hotel and shouldn’t be treated as such. If he’s got a bed and/or a room to sleep on, he pays rent. If he’s chooses to sleep on it or not is his problem.
If you were rolling in it, you wouldn’t have to charge sure.
But for a working class lad, it’s about time he pulled his socks up and realised life isn’t cheap.
New_Libran@reddit
A hotel won't even let you off for not using the room enough! 😂
paulene-gibson-ne29@reddit
Personally I was charged 'board' from my mam soon as I had a job and so where all my siblings, and this was years ago when everything was alot cheaper, and it wasn't that much. But I thoughrally disagree with it and the whole concept of it in most scenarios to be honest. Not that I think it didn't me any harm really but I just think it's kind of outrageous as a concept. You literally chose to have a baby, because you decided to have a baby this whole entire human exists and had to then support themselves in life at some point regardless of their own health or wellbeing and in whatever state the world ends up in 18 years after you made that decision to have a baby. Like that's your responsibility end of, and the world we live in now seems fucking impossible for young people to try and enjoy and live their youths in, I thought it was quite hard for me as an older millenial once I hit adulthood, unemployment being high, few opportunities in my area for young people to earn any kind of decent money, but I actually was alright, I paid my board, had a good amount of nights/days out with friends and honestly just ended up out living on my own very young, I didn't go on holidays abroad or have any kind of technology, was buzzing with a free view box for my telly and a fridge full of cans. Life isn't like that anymore, for young people working entry level jobs, paying board proberly takes alot away from them enjoying their youth, which we all know is gone before we know it. They as a generation are higher maintenence, society has made it that way too, they're funds are likely tight as fuck, you don't need that £30 a week or whatever your charging really. You'll manage, your their mother, you should WANT to look after them while you can, let them enjoy this brief period of time where they're young and can be carefree but also young adults and have experiences.
For me, it's fine but like when I was 18-28 whether I was living at my mams, nanas, or in my own flat I always had to part with a sizable chunk of whatever I was earning (literally worked like 2-3 jobs, 6-7 days a week in them days) for living expenses, and yeh that's life, and there was alot of people worse off than me but all my friends who where girls didn't have to pay board, usually had stuff like haircuts, tampons, razors covered by their parents and most even had driving lessons paid for, stuff that kept them together and got them firther in life, leaving their money from working for experianxes and in those years I spent ALOT of weekends alone while my friends went to music fesitvals, on trips abroad, would be working half the time when they'd have nights out, I always from the minute school ended had bills to pay. I just always wished I could have had that softer introduction to adulthood that they had. Most boys I grew up with paid board though, but most girls didn't and I'd say me and the guys (atleast that I grew up with) are way more distant from our parents/family than my girlfriends, for me I think it made me feel unloved, not supported, a burden, hence leaving at the earliest age and making even bigger bills for myself.
But know the other hand I moved in with my nan in my 20s for a couple years because I was skint and I couldn't give her enough, she was a pensioner. Not my mother, she didn't choose to have me, but she tried to support me more than I even wanted her to, I insisted because she was poor. My mother was middle class as fuck and never gave me nothing once I hit 16. Guess who I visited twice a week the rest of her life and guess who I may visit once a year, despite me living 2 streets away from her. Meanwhile my best friend recently moved her dad in with her in Canada, she's now looking after him, which to be fair is fair enough he literally paid her way through uni, helped with rent for years and bought her first car, worked out though. All the kids I grew up with who we'd all say where 'spoilt' (proberly trying to make ourselves feel better) ended up having very nice, successful lives and have close knit families. You really can't spoil kids, you can be a shitty parent in many ways but when it comes to supporting your offspring there's no such thing as too much, spoiling kids, paying board being good for them, it's all myths created by lazy tight parents looking to shake responsibility in my opinion. Just support the human being you literally forced into the world becayse you wanted a cute little playful baby once upon a time, that fat hairy man they turned into is literally yours and your responsibility end of, otherwise your really just a shitty selfish person.
Isgortio@reddit
You're not even asking them for much. Does he know that you're going to lose your income soon and then things are going to be really stretched? Sometimes people don't realise that the small amount is enough to keep the house afloat.
Giddyup_1998@reddit
You are obviously biased towards your 20 yr old son, who although is paying more, is also earning more.
I feel so sorry for your 18 yr old son. He's still a child & is trying to do the right thing.
Shame on you.
Vast-Ad3289@reddit
You should’t have to tell them what it’s for. Teaching your kids how to contribute is important.
BugBottleBlue@reddit
If he is hardly ever there and thinks that's justification for no rent, he should move out and find out how rent really bites.
mrfatchance@reddit
I personally think that them paying you rent just extends the amount of time they will stay with you in the house as it impacts their saving/need/desire to leave.
BitterFootball4874@reddit
I can guarantee there’s basically nowhere in the UK (that anyone would want to live) where the rent is £100 per month. If he’s earning minimum wage that’s frankly naff all as a percentage of take home pay. The good argument is redundant, he’d still have to pay for his food if he didn’t live with you. However if your plan was to give him back the money in anyway he probably has a good point. If not, I don’t think £100 pm on rent is unreasonable AT ALL
Mysterious_Soft7916@reddit
Let him know he could save some money by moving out.
GooseyDuckDuck@reddit
They are adults and working, they should be contributing. So no, it’s not unreasonable.
Erubadhron89@reddit
If they live there
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
They may be spending a lot of time with friends/travelling but they keep all their stuff at their mothers, she is paying for a property with at least 3 bedrooms as well as council tax, utilities and making sure there is food.
They could always move out and pay rent, utilities, council tax etc....
New_Libran@reddit
They do live there
GooseyDuckDuck@reddit
That’s how I read the post
PrizeCrew994@reddit
It’s absolutely reasonable and acceptable to be asking working adults to contribute to household finances. Your children are all VERY lucky that you’re actually just teaching them a life lesson and saving the money for them rather than actually needing the money for the household.
Tell your son that whether he could save the money himself is irrelevant. He’s a working adult and should be learning about paying bills and contributing. The fact you’re able to save this money for him is a privilege. He needs to understand he’s in a fortunate position and the fact he’s asking to stop means he doesn’t understand this.
tomtink1@reddit
If he moved out would you be able to downsize and save money?
ImFamousYoghurt@reddit
So this £100 includes bills and some food? That's a good deal for just those things alone, let alone rent. You say he used to be a spendthrift but is now better because he's saving- I honestly think he can't be saving that high a percentage of his salary if he's only saving just over £100 a month with very low living costs?
melanie110@reddit
I’ll come live with you and pay £300 a month
joshua1486@reddit
I was earning £107 a week when I started my apprenticeship and I would have to pay my parents £30 a week, while this was ridiculously harsh it taught me some valuable life lessons. I think contributions are essential in order to realise what the real world is like.
be_sociall@reddit
I’m 19 living with my parents, I don’t pay anything but I’m hardly home and pay a lot of my own things anyway. I also take my younger brother to school. Your idea to save and give back is a good one but maybe come to an agreement to lower it if he’s unhappy with it? He will thank you at the end of the day but if he’s struggling to pay you, don’t let him struggle whether you’re saving the money or he is
THROWRAsaltylemon@reddit
If you're whole plan is to give the money back then why ask for it in the first place. I had a friend whose parents did that and he was quite upset because first he thought he was helping them (they weren't financially well off) but also they didn't make any effort to invest this money or keep in a savings account with a decent interest rate, so essentially he was worse off than if he saved himself.
If your plan is to give the money back, why not make a deal that for your adult children to continue living with you they have to put a certain percentage of their salary away as savings each month and you can monitor that they're doing so.
RockasaurusFlex@reddit
In the history of humans... none of us asked to be born.
It's a small price to pay for a comfortable base. Tell him to go and see what kind of broom cupboard he could rent for the samw money, as what's the alternative?
You should be taking rent off him for YOURSELF.
Theory_Cond11@reddit
I was about £250 a month during uni and working part time, £100 went to savings and the other £150 was a contribution to the food, gas and electricity.
Moved out with mortgage and bills of my own which costs a considerable amount more.
OkExcuse3011@reddit
The amount you're asking for is very reasonable indeed. He should pay it or leave.
rosiewi@reddit
I guess you could argue that he doesn’t pay you the money as long as he can evidence he is saving it?
I think he’d learn more through having the opportunity to save himself than by giving it to you to put away. It would be different if you were needing the money but if you are saving it to give it back maybe you could find an alternative way?
I’d also be conscious though that young men now may look for quick fixes with money picked up from the manosphere. Investment is great but not if you don’t have a good baseline level of savings too so I’d be careful to think about what they plan to do with it. I wonder whether him setting up a LISA and putting money in there may be best?
Ryndomaru@reddit
When I got my first job at 16, I gave my parents half my income (at the time it was about £500-600 per month) for rent and such. I never expected to get it back, never did unless you count inheritance, but I was happy to do so. It made sense that now I work I could afford to contribute to the home I live in and the utilities I use.
I never understand the argument "I never asked to be born".. it just seems childish.
nihilistkitty@reddit
I paid my Mum £200 / month rent twenty years ago. She never gave it back. I didn't expect her to give it back. I used to stay at friends and purchase my own food too.
I also didn't ask to be born ... noone does. The fact of the matter is he was born and bills are a part of life.
With my wages from my part time job I was able to buy clothes, go out with friends and fly to the US for holidays a few times.
Lad doesn't know how good he has it.
alice_op@reddit
I did as well, exactly the same, £200 a month, 10-15 years ago. We moved out when we bought our first house at 24 because we could save so much money (me and my then boyfriend) from not paying for a private rental.
Ironically, my little sister who didn't have to pay a penny still lives at home, credit card debt up to her eyeballs despite never paying a bill. She'll never move out. Paying a bit of Keep gets young adults learning how to budget and pay their way early imo. Never a bad thing.
BackgroundLetter8883@reddit
Stopped reading after you said they are working tbh.
They absolutely need to pay rent. If they don’t like it they can move out and pay full rent and bills and see how much they like that.
ThereAndFapAgain2@reddit
If it were me I wouldn't be charging the 18 year old since I'm not one of those people who thinks the moment you turn 18 you either have to move out or start paying rent, I feel like there should be a grace period of a couple of years but that is just my opinion.
The 20 year old though, yeah I think at that point it is only fair that you start contributing to the household if you are going to be living there.
Adorable_Click_7071@reddit
I think your reasoning for wanting them to pay rent is weird, why do you need to give back the money they have paid you? If you think they should make a contribution that’s reasonable, but saying it’s so you can give it back when they move out doesn’t make much sense. Needing help with bills and expenses is perfectly acceptable though.
Yeah, he should make a contribution if he’s living in your house. He might not be at home all the time but when he is he uses the water, gas, electric, food, etc. you’re not asking much - £100 per month is cheap as chips. If he think it’s unreasonable, he should move out and rent a room. His costs will then be at least five times higher than what he would have paid to you.
In my early 20s, I did contribute to costs but it was something like £200 - £250 per month and more so because like you my mum just thought I should be paying something. At the time I found it annoying but looking back I think it was fair.
But I actually did not always pay rent whilst living at home and this allowed me to save heaps and buy my own place. But my mum became a high earner and didn’t need the help anymore, she was very generous to let me live at home rent and expense free for as long as I did (over 6 years no rent).
I think you have every right to ask for this small contribution, but where you have gone wrong is saying it’s so you can give the money back. Just tell your son that if he wants to continue living at your house, whether he’s away often or not, he needs to contribute for the household expenses.
shortercrust@reddit
He’s an adult with an income. He should contribute financially to the household. £100 is a pretty token amount and he shouldn’t whinge about it.
OilAdministrative197@reddit
Entirely a you problem tbh. As for the take the money to give back for a deposit. 100 per month is £1.2 k per year. Average uk first time buyer deposit is 50-60 k. There gonna be living with you a while at that rate.
Triordie@reddit
You could be renting his room out for significantly more. £100 is nothing. Ask him if he wants to move out with his friends if not he has to pay something. Don’t know where you are based but you could easily be making £400 a month for a room if not significantly more. You need help and you are asking for almost nothing in comparison to others
islaisla@reddit
Younger one -: I'm afraid that's not how it works. You want a room to keep your stuff in and visit sometimes, an address to send post to, to have a job by, you pay. If he's not at school, he needs to pay. If he wants to study then that is a different matter.
If he wants to move out, that's fine, get a lodger much more money. You don't even have to do it every month, you can just do short spurts, cash in hand, through word of mouth, things like that. You can do a couple of months a year even, or a few weekends.
I think what you're asking for is fair, don't bake it easy on him to abuse this situation which is going to become really hard. Pip and benefits, I'm the same. It's a scarey time and you never feel safe. You health can charge for the worse and you need a carer.... You really don't need to be discussing this again. Let him move out and try the real world. It's an absolute bargain. You must push him to do better, and keep looking for better paid work.
The 20yr old, I almost feel more sorry for as he won't be getting a better wage for more experience. But it's still very fair and it keeps them both in check with each other. You scrap one and it's not going to be fair on the other. Just keep things as they are and make sure younger son learns how to budget and prioritise what's important. RENT first then bills and food, then life.
They might get the impression that you get free money... That would require a sit down talk about invisible disability, hard earned position, loss and grief of your former life, and future changes your facing. The burden on your shoulders is huge.
What you could do, if you are able. Is secretly save some of their payments away in a savings fund and give it to them when they get their first time moving out.
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
Hes obviously not being hugely detrimentally financially affected by the current arrangement as he's off staying with friends and having fun.
The most important thing he needs reminding of is if he was living elsewhere and paying rent his ability to do those things would be drastically reduced. Having a parent who asks for less than a quarter of the average rent for a 1 bedroom place per month in the UK while also paying for all the essentials (rent/utilities/council tax/food/Internet etc) is amazing, especially if you're saving it up to help him move out when he is ready.
If he was thinking about things maturely and logically, he would be using some of the remainer of his wages to invest in driving lessons and a car while he has a secure home.
mh1ultramarine@reddit
How often is he practically in. If he's coach surfing constantly he might have a point. But at that point you might wanna keep charging him just to push him out if he's already ready to
Pantles@reddit
Crikey, I paid £200 a month 20 years ago. And I paid for sky/broadband for the whole family. I also bought my own food, and contributed to the cost of new appliances if needed.
£100 is not going to cover what he uses in this economy, unless he was literally moved out. If he does laundry, is that in your machine, using your soap, water and electricity? Because there are three bills he’s adding to. Charges phone? Uses the bathroom?
£100 is probably a night out with his mates, if he can’t skip one of those a month, you should rent his room out.
Above all, I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered through so much. No one asks to be born, but here we all are. No one asks for many of the paths life takes us on. But your son should pay you at least £100 a month.
adamosity1@reddit
Have them pay but secretly give them back half when they are looking to buy a house
koalabear20@reddit
I think it depends, you're a single person with a disability and no job in a few months. I think if you need it then its ok to ask working adult children to chip in.
I don't know why you've said you're going to give it back to him though bc then he's right about why cant he just save it himself.
So in conclusion, if you need help its fine to ask your kids to help, if you dont then i dont know why parents do this. My parents never asked me for anything well into adulthood lol, i think id be quite hurt being charged rent for my childhood bedroom, AGAIN this is coming from someone whose parents did not need the money.
Significant_Froyo899@reddit
“Didn’t ask to be born”. I’m a bit shocked at that but hey ho. He must keep paying because the rates, gas, heating, maintenance, all the conveniences / toilet paper, washing machines, towels, etc. all need paying for and it’s his choice to remove himself from them.
It’s very kind of you to pay it all back when he leaves. My mother did that for me too and I wasted it all.
SpectreSingh89@reddit
He can contribute or fully move out.
srogijogi@reddit
Tell him that if he doesn't want to pay (very modest) £100 then he can move out to somewhere else. Then he can ask their future landlord to lower or cancel his rent too, as for sure he will "hardly be there". You are not exploiting him. He is trying to exploit you, his mum. And that's sad.
PetersMapProject@reddit
He has no idea how lucky he is. Point him towards spareroom.co.uk and he will be able to see the going rate.
Around here - a long way from London - the going rate for a room, including utility bills but not food, is around £600-650 per month.
The last thing you want is for him to become accustomed to a lifestyle that is only affordable when you are paying £100 a month in rent.
Jolly-Turn-5996@reddit
Maybe try a different approach, portion of each bill? You can also find out how much the additional council tax portion is as yours should be reduced by 50% or so
MintyMarlfox@reddit
You’re doing what my parents did, but I didn’t know I was getting the ‘rent’ back.
At that age I’d have pissed it up the wall or wasted it and then not had the money for the deposit. Hated rent at the time, but it taught me some life lessons.
Lazy-Objective-1630@reddit
Sure he can stop contributing. He can move out. This "I didn't ask to be born" bullshit is chronically online manchild whining and isn't a get out of jail free card for all of life's difficulties.
If they're living with you and they're earning a wage they can contribute.
Hell when I was 19 and in full time work back in 1999 I was paying half my wage - earning £180 a week and paying £90 of that in board.
Appropriate_Log1654@reddit
I haven't lived with my parents for nearly 15 years - I used to pay £100 a month then... It was significantly less than the £500 mortgage + bills on my first house. Apparently that's £150+ and £750+ respectively in today's money - it's not unreasonable to be asking for that.
oraff_e@reddit
I paid about NZ$100 a week when I finished school, while I was working for 5 years before I moved away to go to university. That’s £50/week. To be fair to 18yo me it seemed a lot at the time but that was before I realised just how much it would cost to rent my own place, even just a room would have easily been double. I’d say definitely get them to start paying rent - they’re adults, they can either pay you and enjoy living at home, or they can pay someone else. Maybe encourage them to save up for a mortgage deposit at the same time?
Lottiepop420@reddit
Absolutely yes. You're setting them up to fail if they never have to consider even the most basic of budgeting. My parents didn't make me pay rent when I first got a job and I wasted so much money on shite. When my mom asked for 150 quid a month in the year 2000 (my salary was £9k a year) I kicked off like such a little shit. Then when I first left home and realised how little money I had for a new phone and clothes and going out, and realised my parents never bought themselves any of that crap I used to buy after complaining about paying for the roof over my head. Now I'm ashamed of myself. My parents struggled at times and I never knew because they never let us, I feel so much guilt for being so selfish as a teenager.
Even if he's not there he's got a bed, heat, light etc and he pays half what his brother does, so he's already getting a discount.
Short-Shopping3197@reddit
He has the option of moving out if he wants to. £100 is pretty much what an air bnb would cost for a night so the argument of barely ever being there doesn’t hold water.
That being said he’s your son so you probably aren’t going to kick him out even if he did stop paying. I’d explain to him first of all that him saying he didn’t ask to be born is hurtful, you’ve put in a lot of effort and money to raise him in the past 18 years and if he really does feel like that then perhaps he should make more of the life you gave him. I’d explain to him that as a working adult you expect him to contribute in the same way as you do and your other son does to the household. Explain that you can’t force him to pay and won’t kick him out, but it’s beneath the treatment you expect from him as his mother, and you would expect him to be making arrangements to make independent living arrangements rather than a longing off yours.
Lazy-Interests@reddit
If he’s planning to save it anyway why does it matter if you’re saving it for him?
He’s clearly not planning to save that money, ask him if he can find anywhere he can live for £100 rent per month.
MarkCrystal@reddit
Just to put this in perspective, I was paying £250 per month to my parents when living at home which was over 10 years ago and I was getting a very good deal!
UltimateGammer@reddit
Sit them down and go through your whole budget.
Explain incomings and outgoings. Include What they use Vs what they contribute.
Then explain where the extra money would go.
Then do a mock up budget of an average rental in the area.
The point is that you give them choices, they can help pay to keep the lights on or they can fly the coop and you'll still be there to support them(non financially).
It's their choice. And ny negotiation needs to be fair on yourself.
MzHmmz@reddit
Couldn't there be a compromise option where he just pays less rent? Yes, he's often away but he is still using your house as a base, so probably should pay something for that privilege if he can!
If he pays no rent at all, I think you're within your rights to turn his room into a guest room - he can continue to come as stay with you when he needs to but as a guest! Obviously I'm not saying chuck all his stuff on the street (I haven't lived with my parents in 20 years and they still have a little bit of my stuff at their house as their place is significantly bigger than ours and there's only 2 of them there!) but he just loses his privileges to have his own dedicated space in your house.
I'm not really talking about a tough love approach, just a realistic practical one - if he wants to still live in your house as his main home, and he can afford to pay you something, he should do, but it would be fair to reduce it a bit if he's not really costing you much to live there. If he doesn't want to pay anything despite having the money to do so he probably shouldn't be considering it his main home and treating it as such (although for practical/legal purposes it probably makes sense for him to continue to use it as his main contact address).
indigo263@reddit
I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for them both to contribute. Just because your youngest isn't at home as much doesn't mean he shouldn't, because you still have bills to pay whether he's there or not. If he doesn't like it, then he can move out and maybe then he'll realise how good he actually has it right now.
As for the comment about not asking to be born, that's just hurtful and bordering on emotional blackmail imo. None of us are here through choice but that doesn't mean we can be ungrateful.
SianBeast@reddit
It's a controversial topic at the best at times.
If you 'cancel' it for that son then you'll probably have to do the same with the other one.
Personally I'm all for kids paying keep when they start work. It's basically their segue into 'real life' having to pay rent and that.
That said, I'm mildly aware that my stance may be influenced by my parents charging me and my siblings keep. Though they also taught me there's a right and wrong way to do this. For example, I was charged a flat rate that ate up most of my wage (I was on £3.40ph at 16 and doing about 20hrs pw between college) and was entirely unfair imo given my age and the fact I was still studying. My siblings were charged a percentage of their wage from 18 which seemed much fairer.
For your situation, given that you intend to essentially save it for them anyway, maybe give him the chance to prove himself. But do it on the QT because if that other son finds out he's the only paying you rent/keep he will resent you/his brother regardless of the reasoning.
IamNATx@reddit
I didn't ask to be born & I won't sugar coat the fact that I loathe being here & pressured into continuing existing.
But I always paid rent once I reached adulthood when I lived with my mam because the alternative is I'd have to pay it elsewhere anyway and I couldn't witness my mam struggling to provide for all 3 of us when her children reached adulthood because she birthed us 18 years+ ago.
Once you're an adult you have responsibilities. Is it fair when you didn't ask for it? No. But a lot of parents (especially in today's financial climate) do not have the to provide for their children forever.
If your sons have access to a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep in, warmth and a shower whenever they need it, then they should be contributing towards the costs of those things regardless of if they buy their own food or laundry supplies. If he doesn't want to do that then I would ask him to shop around for alternatives purely in the interest of finding out how much more he would be out of pocket to have the same options elsewhere.
GaryGump@reddit
I thought you were being nice initially and that your sons weren’t very aware of the situation, but now I think you’re being too nice. Saying things like “I didn’t ask to be born” is really unhelpful, and actually the opposite - it’s quite selfish. If you have a fixed residence and you’re an adult, you should pay something. That’s just life.
They should be grateful you are saving the money up for them because my family couldn’t afford that luxury. He will thank you one day but it’s sad he feels this way currently, especially given the situation you’re in.
Maybe get him to read this thread and see what he thinks?
Whole-Lychee1628@reddit
NTA. Your youngest isn’t seeing the security of his home. I don’t think he’s a bad kid like, just, Y’know, a kid. And the amounts they’re currently paying are modest, even on modern minimum wage. When I still lived at home (early 2000’s) I was paying my Mum £200 a month. And I too was on minimum wage.
Defo NTA.
XB1CandleInTheDark@reddit
I can kind of speak from that situation. Because of not being a driver in a rural place and possibly because of my autism it took me a long time to get a job that paid decently. When i was on benefits and in a lesser paid job i had given parents about a quarter of what i earned, by the time i got my current job my mum had passed on and while i said i could move out my dad preferred having someone in the house. His view at that point is that if i give him money it will go back three ways between me and siblings so i put away a thousand a month into savings, but then if yours was a spendthrift that's something you'd want to keep an eye on.
It's a hard one and there's no universal answer, the best you can do is what you think is best for looking after your kids.
theroller1972@reddit
They should both pay rent no matter what, if you pay all bills that is a big chunk out of your income, my grandparents (who I lived with) charged me rent and I was very proud of the fact I gave them something towards the shopping and stuff
Ken-_-Adams@reddit
I was paying my parents more than that back in 2004, and they didn't need the money but insisted on me contributing.
I never got any of the money back and I don't have any I'll feelings towards my parents over it.
Frosty_Leg4438@reddit
This comes up a lot, and the answer is always one of 2 options:
- 1). Free, but consider setting a time limit when they will have to pay full rent so they can plan.
- 2). Significant, but lower than market rent, but keep a large proportion to pay them back as a deposit (but you do keep some for basic increased costs you face).
Both seem completely accepted, depending on individual circumstances, but the big reason for 2 (rather than letting them save themselves) is living rent-free as an adult is ultimately an un-realistic situation and some tough-love is needed here.
All first rental flats are horrible (relatively... they'd be palaces in a lot of countries) and you don't want to make them avoid doing this because you've artifically set them up with an unrealistic accomodation.
Letting them save it themselves is still not realistic as it doesn't impose the reality of needing to monthly budget and make sacrifices when needed vs other things you want to do in your life.
Inevitable-Debt4312@reddit
They should pay a proportion of their income. Two-thirds? Half? Up to an amount which would be what they could rent a room for. In York that would be minimum £150 a week. Plus an amount for food and services.
It’s a hard world, they need teaching about it.
Jturnster89@reddit
Not unreasonable at all. And manipulative to throw out the "I didn't ask to be born". He's acting like a 12 year old not an 18 year old so maybe paying board will help him learn to grow up a bit.
Economy_Primary1774@reddit
Difficult question. Very situational.
I think doing what's "sensible" is always good. I.e. if they make enough money and you could use a bit additional income, yes. If not, then not, or just a smaller amount for goodwill.
jack_watson97@reddit
Adults pay rent. The fact you'll give it back when he moves out is a bonus. Paying this (incredibly minimal) amount per month to you at least teaches him the habit of paying for his place of living. Until he is officially moved out he pays imo
Trequartistas1@reddit
If you need help with bills, yes make them pay. If you can pay your bills and live comfortably after, then it’s up to you.
Mithrandearyme@reddit
My parents didnt need the money and so luckily I was free to live at home till I was 27 and brought my own house from the savings I was able to make. Most of my peers aren't so lucky and are stuck renting long-term if not forever.
If you can afford to give your kids a headstart financially, I would do it. If you need the money, it is what it is, they'll need to give you what you ask for.
Watchkeys@reddit
He didn't ask to be born, so you are responsible for him for his entire life?
This isn't even about money; he needs to be taught very swiftly that adults are responsible for themselves. It's your house. He can live there on your terms, or he's more than welcome to move out and pay for himself elsewhere. I'd put a time limit on it for him to decide, so that he doesn't keep holding it over you.
Not sure why you're phrasing it as 'you'll give him his money back'. That's not what's happening. He needs to pay for his bed and board now; that's one thing. You will help him out financially when he moves out; that's a separate thing. I'd make one of them conditional on the other: if he proves himself to be responsible and willing to pay his way now, you'll consider helping him when he moves, but if he tries to wriggle out of responsibility now, you won't help him, because you don't hand out donations to people who aren't willing to do their bit.
Jonny_Entropy@reddit
For one thing you wouldn't have to pay as much council tax if they weren't there. There's heating, TV subscriptions, internet, wear and tear on the home.
£200 a month for rent is a better deal than they would get ANYWHERE else. I would tell them to pay it or find somewhere else.
ci_newman@reddit
So what if they buy their own clothes? They are still using the heating. They are still using the water and the broadband and they are still considered a tenant towards council tax.
If my sons gave me the "I didn't ask to be born" statement when asked to contribute towards the household they live in because I was disabled through ill health and unable to work, I'd suggest they tried to move out with their £100/month and see how far they'd get with their bills.
Proud_Ad_8915@reddit
If he lives there, he should pay rent. Doesn't matter whether he spends a lot of time out or not as that's his choice. If his things are there but not him then you could say it's money for storing his items instead😆 He does have a choice of permanently moving out rather than use yours as an occasional hotel.
Realistic_Bat8603@reddit
I think its reasonable to ask for a contribution, also letting your youngest off something expected of his older siblings will definitely cause resentment from them.
Let him know how much it costs to rent a room in your area and ask if he would prefer that or the small contribution you are asking for?
I am in my 30s and also paid a small contribution to help my mum out when in was in my late teens.
He should want to help you!
CandleAffectionate25@reddit
I paid £200 a month to my parents and I thought this was fair. Obviously it's alot cheaper than renting your own place but you don't really have your own space etc and you have the stress of saving for a mortgage on top. I don't agree with not charging because I don't think that's teaching them anything but a low contribution towards bills is fair I feel.
Bowtie327@reddit
I was gonna come here to say from personal experience, don’t keg them up by charging them the second they get a paycheck, let them build some savings
But for £100 per month you’re already doing that, NTA
nivlark@reddit
It's perfectly reasonable to ask for a contribution to bills while he still lives at home, but it should be for that purpose, not as a vague savings-account-by-proxy. If he's financially responsible enough to manage his own savings, then he should do that with a proper savings account that will pay him interest.
Of course the flip side is that if he does waste the money, then he can't expect to come running back to you. Independence cuts both ways, and you need to be willing to say "tough luck".
No_Mood1492@reddit
Mum wasn't well off so we were all expected to contribute whilst still living at home. It was less than market rate for a room in a HMO which I think is fair.
I'd point out that food and laundry isn't included when you rent your own place. You'd also be expected to pay rent even if you went on holiday for a month.
I do think it's entitled and childish to expect parents to pay for an employed adult child.
Eggtastico@reddit
If you planned on giving it back anyway, then meet him half way & ask him to prove he is saving it (maybe into a Lifetime ISA ie LISA if he plans on buying a property) & not spending it. Expect the other son who pays £200 to want something similar though.
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