I don't wanna be an orphan

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jesuschristjulia@reddit

I’m so sorry about your mom. My heart goes out to you, truly.

Now- GenXers, I’m a literal orphan. So could you not call yourselves orphans when you’ve had parents? Please, I beg you. Not having parents is way different than having parents who loved you your whole life and then died. As sad as that is, that’s the opposite of being an orphan. Trust me on this one.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

I am sorry if I offended. My husband and two kids were adopted but I don't think of them as orphans.

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Moody_GenX@reddit

But they were orphaned. Holy shit this is fucking hilarious. You consider yourself an orphan when your mother passes but not them? Are you trolling? 😂

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sobuffalo@reddit

ya this is weird, according to them, someone like me born in a freakin orphanage isn't considered an orphan but someone who lived with their biological parents for decades...is an orphan?

I truly dont get this sub sometimes.

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Moody_GenX@reddit

People like that have no room to complain how soft other generations are.

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Moody_GenX@reddit

I agree with you.

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Curious_Instance_971@reddit

It seems so callous to the folks who experienced that loss to use the word that way.

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MidwestAbe@reddit

JCJ - I'm with you here. I don't understand the use of this word to describe a situation when you have had parents your entire childhood and adult life.

I've got other thoughts but since I like to lean to kindness - I just leave it at I agree with you and would encourage others to find a new more appropriate way of describing a current situation.

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Mediocre-Team1715@reddit

I feel you. Lost my dad 10 years ago right after Christmas. Lost my mom this past December right after Christmas. She had been unwell for the past year and in the end, she was in so much pain we had to make the call and I know it was the right one. But it hits you that the far hazy time in the future is actually here. It’s a crappy club but welcome all the same.

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RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit

I was actually relieved when my mom died. She had been battling dementia for a few years and was no longer herself. When she died, I was happy for her, that she wasn’t a prisoner in her own mind anymore. It’s a weird feeling not being sad when somebody you love dies.

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ifrankenstein@reddit

I feel this. Was just at the cardiologist with my mom yesterday. The has 2 blockages, a small one behind her knee and a larger one at the base of her neck. They put her at high/probable risk for a stroke. Surgery is iffy because her age, so they have her on thinners while they work out a plan. Lost my dad 10 years ago, not ready to lose mom too.

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Fulghn@reddit

I feel ya. My father passed in 2020. My younger brother pass at 54 in 2022. Mother is doing OK but she's in her mid 80s. Just a matter of time until I am the final piece of aging wood on this branch of the family tree.

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mayura376@reddit

Same. Father passed in 2009. My younger brother in 2016. My mother is in her 80s and it’s only a matter of time until I’m without any family left.

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Sloth_grl@reddit

My mom died in march of 2020. My brother had told us that she was fading. My other brother and I were going to drive to our hometown on Saturday and on Thursday they locked down the nursing home because of COVID. We never got to see her

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wrenchedups@reddit

My mom died April 2020. She lived 1,000 miles away and I was unable to travel to be there due to COVID restrictions. My sister and her family were with her.

Not being there compounded the grief.

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Sloth_grl@reddit

Yes. I’m so sorry

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

I'm so sorry!

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rumbellina@reddit

My mom died in ‘08. My dad died in March of last year. Start therapy now. Get ahead of it. Also, make sure everything with the life insurance and other estate matters are in order if you can. Ask any family questions if you think they’re capable of answering. Once they’re gone, you have no access to any of that information. My heart is with you. 💖

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

You just made me tear up with your kindness. ty!

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

So sorry about your mom. Are you still able to talk to her? I hope you can despite her condition.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

yes she's a tough old bird tg. and ty!

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gonzo-is-sexy@reddit

I became one in December. Still go to call her

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

I just realized I should not answer a call soon so I can keep a voice mail.

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Pastagiorgio34@reddit

😢

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Keldrabitches@reddit

I’m unmoored too and feeling nuts as well. My dad also died 17 years ago. My mother is ok, but very difficult to talk to. My best friend just died under horrific circumstances (attorney alcoholic that self destructed and may have been murdered). His memorial is next week and I DREAD it. My health sucks and I feel like everyone is just peeling away from me. I feel like a stinky naked onion. I’m sorry about your mom ♥️ that is worse

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

omg. I'm so sorry! weirdly my BIL was an attorney who drank himself to death at 57 yo. I...also an attorney...am nursing a hangover this am!

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dacutty@reddit

I'm 50. Lost my Mom in 1996 to cancer at 20yo. Lost my Dad in Jan 2024 at 48yo. I adopt everyone else's family and live well for those who aren't with you.

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Afternoon_bathrobe@reddit

I’m 60, mom is 86, dad is 88. Mom fell in a parking lot in February, fractured skull, now has brain damage and dementia, been in a skilled nursing facility ever since. Dad is home alone in a two story house I begged them to sell years ago. He can hardly walk anymore, still driving himself. I am an only child. We are both grieving because the woman we knew is gone, but still alive

We are in limbo right now, can’t put their house on the market because my mom can’t/wont agree to it, but my dad is ready to sell. I’m overwhelmed by all of this, I’m still working full time and can’t devote much time to them. I’m so grateful for my wife right now, she has been so supportive.

This has been a life lesson for my wife and I, we will not leave our kids in this situation, and will wind things down as appropriate to lessen their burden.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

Oh man. I am so sorry.

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Critical-Range1213@reddit

I’m 10 years behind you…I’m 50 and the folks 77. Also an only child. I can see my folks aging faster and faster.

Sorry for what you’re going through…

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North-Squirrel2582@reddit

Finally convinced my parents (mom 84 dad 85) to sell there house and move to a retirement community. 2 months after being there dad gets rushed to the ER and had to stay in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. When Dad was taken to the ER mom rode in the ambulance then fell walking into the hospital and broke her wrist. Dad now has a catheter because his bladder was blocked which caused his kidney to start to fail and mom had to have wrist surgery. Thought getting then moved would be a relief and then all this happened. Now im just hoping they can recover somewhat and I dont lose them yet.

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thwip62@reddit

Having to speak at their funerals scares me far more than their deaths.

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MrNedinsky@reddit

Lost my Dad at 9 years old and my mom at 22. I see all my friends and colleagues dealing with illness and death of parents more and more as the years pass. I don't think it gets any easier no matter what age you or they are.

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UnicornFarts1111@reddit

You started life on hard mode. I hope you are doing well had are having a happy life!

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MrNedinsky@reddit

Doing ok thanks. Hope you are too

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Illustrious-Bat1553@reddit

Orphaned 30 years ago. Ive learned to adopt family

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eastbaypluviophile@reddit

OG GenX, dad went in 2009 from cancer and mom in 2021. Mom was mentally ill and a shut in since the mid 90s. She developed Alzheimer’s and we put her in a facility where she existed for nearly ten miserable years. Miserable for her and for us, she’d stopped being a mom when we were in our teens. Watching what she went through steeled my resolve that if I am ever told I have dementia of any kind I am hitting the AZ-5 switch.

Dad had always lived exclusively for himself and we knew from very young age that he could never be relied on for support or help of any kind. He was difficult to get along with unless you agreed with everything he said or did…. None of which we agreed with.

I was an orphan long before my parents actually died. I have a few good memories, acknowledge the parts of me that were put there by them, and some nostalgia but i would be lying if I said I missed either of them.

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Significant-Walrus94@reddit

Became an orphan last year when my MIL died. Last of the parents to go. It really really sucks. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling lost.

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focalac@reddit

I’m a late Xer at 46. Dad dead of the booze when I was 20, mum of cancer when I was 35. Wife lost both of hers at 21 and 30.

Life’s hard, man. It won’t help now, and maybe it won’t for a while, but you’ll be able to take some comfort in the fact you got to keep your mum this long. I’m not criticising you, you’re genuinely lucky.

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LeeKinanus@reddit

bro, ive been living unrooted since my moms died in 1998 at 52 yrs old. Step father committed suicide 4years later on her death anniversary.... I have no siblings and she didnt have any either so no aunts or uncles, no cousins, grandparents long gone. Its tough man and sometimes I cant believe that i am still here functioning.

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Zen_Hydra@reddit

My father and step mother are in their mid-eighties and both have dementia. They shouldn't be on the road, and are eventually going to 100% end up like the couple from that song "The Way."

My mother has a bizarro rare blood cancer. My stepfather is in hospital right now recovering from a broken hip after a fall in the yard, and earlier this year he had a heart attack.

My younger brother died in his sleep from a cardiac event a few years back.

We don't have much interaction with my in-laws.

The reaper is certainly catching up with us.

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EducationalOutcome26@reddit

cancer got mom 01-01-2010. dads 85 now and lives several hours away with his 2nd wife, shes a good person and takes good care of him as best as shes able but shes 83 her ownself. so neither of them are really helpful..

every time i go to visit dad or he comes back here for a visit (I keep nice 2 bedroom cottage here for him that I built here on the farm after he sold the childhood home my mother died in, he couldnt stay there anymore and I dont blame him really) hes a little bit weaker a little bit less sharp,the darkness is creeping on him HARD. hes survived a heart attack that literally killed him where they had to revive him twice in the helo and the stroke from the BP meds afterwards. but he is so much slower and fragile now and getting more so every time i see him.

I dont want to do this, im 58 and not ready for a world without my dad in it. im retired early already and still not ready for that.

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boatingday@reddit

Sorry man. I kinda do want to be an orphan. Caregiving for 2 aging parents, one who was abusive, the other who was neglectful, is its own source of misery. I want them healthy and fine, but they aren’t and all their bad decisions have led to me having to sacrifice to account for their apathy.

Yeah, fully aware I will 100% regret this comment in the not so distant future. But today was not the day.

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ORF1Live@reddit

If someone has been ill/frail for a long time it's normal to feel relief when they are gone. Doesn't mean you don't love them, miss them. It's because it's hard watching them suffer and it's hard taking care of them.

Don't be so hard on yourself for having normal, human thoughts and emotions ❤️

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S1159P@reddit

Me, neither babe. Me, neither.

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OldSkooler1212@reddit

My parents had me when they were 45 in the 60s. I’ve been an orphan since 2015. My mom loved to be almost 93 but had Alzheimer’s since her late 70s.

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goatsnotvotes@reddit

I’m going to eventually be an orphan. Single mom, only child, raised by her with help of my grandparents (passed in 1991 and 1998).

Didn’t actually find out the guy’s name until I got married and had to change my social security card. My reaction was to my mom “is that him?” She said yes. I was like oh okay, well guess he’s not dead.

When my mom is gone, I have no siblings.

But I know what I will do. I will do what happened when her parents (my grandparents) passed. BTW my mom has a younger sister so keep that in mind.

I will get myself together and I will find her papers and take care of her final wishes and I will do what needs to be done.

And then I will cry for hours in the shower or on my deck or in my car listening to the angriest music. Alone. Because I will want to be alone.

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annasghost@reddit

born in 80, orphaned in 2004. it gets easier, i promise 💛

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Bodkin-Van-Horn@reddit

Yeah. It sucks. My dad died about a month ago. My mom has Alzheimer's and dementia, so she's mentally going, and I don't know how long she's going to last. 2026 might be the year I lose both my parents.

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Keldrabitches@reddit

WOW ♥️♥️

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Consistent_Ad_6400@reddit

I feel this. I send u hugs. Mom died feb 6 and dad died march 22 of this year. I am a mess. They were my ultimate best friends. Im not married. No kids. I have my dog Ruby. I am so depressed. I pray you have a support system. Its just truly horrible. I know this is a normal part of life. But my life was caring for them past 15 years plus work. I have no clue who I am. Just existing. Praying for you my friend. 🙏

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

Oh man...I feel you and really care for you. Seriously let me know if you need anything.

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Consistent_Ad_6400@reddit

Hugs hugs and prayers to you as well. Im here for you too. 🙏💛 Its a club we dont want to belong too. Hold on to every second while you can my dear.

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Bright_Broccoli1844@reddit

I don't want to be either, but I am. I understand.

I knew someday it would happen then it did happen. Now that it did happen and I survived, I don't have that dread. Or the weight of their care and paperwork and their possessions.

But on some days my heart feels so so sad because I miss them very much. I cry. And some days I laugh at the funny memories. And they have been deceased for a number of years.

Hug them while you can.

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Bob_12_Pack@reddit

2014-2021 was rough. I lost my mom, little brother, 2 best friends and my dad, my world shrunk big time, these were people I talked to daily or weekly. I still have a sister and my wife and 6 kids, now I have 3 grandchildren. The loss of my brother and my friends are like open wounds that start to heal but then rip back open. I deeply miss my parents but somehow I handle the grief better with them.

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Pastagiorgio34@reddit

Dude - so sorry

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Still_C0ffeeGuy@reddit

I’m so sorry.

I had a similar situation. Lost my father, a very good friend and my best friend all in 2020. Non covid sickness and two separate plane crashes. Your description hit home. My world shrank and the wounds never fully heal.

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MollyDog2638@reddit

Becoming an orphan at our age is so unmooring. About a year and a half ago, my parents died unexpectedly within 6 weeks of each other. I still haven't regained my equilibrium. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to mourn them.

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Flux_Inverter@reddit

When each of my parents died, I got a bottle of whisky that night to help me grieve. Not a drinker, but needed something to numb the "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" part of the brain, so I could cry like a 6 year old.

Everyone needs to find a way to properly mourn and give themselves permission to be a kid that lost a parent.

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emma_kayte@reddit

It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me

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DiamondLight25@reddit

Same, and sorry.

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Flux_Inverter@reddit

Your feelings are normal. Experiencing their inevitable death in hospice/hospital is like getting your heart dug out by a feral raccoon with a rusty spork.

IMO, the mid-life crises come around this point. It is when people have to come to terms with their mortality. My GenX generation in the family is now the oldest generation alive. Have even lost 4 cousins so far.

Without the parents alive to disappoint or lean on, people sometimes will do things that are more true to themselves. The first couple years (holidays) after loosing both parents takes adjustment. After that, you are free to be cantankerous.

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HistoryGirl23@reddit

Hugs!

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Commies-Fan@reddit

Be happy you had a parent that made it to 90. My Mom just died at 71. And my Dad a few months later at 77.

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timeforitnowright@reddit

The person you’re replying to could also be 15 years older dealing with a parent who has dementia for 20 years.

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Commies-Fan@reddit

I get your point. Ive actually known someone that had a dad that was 71 when he was 10. But the reality is that almost never happens. Mostly because most people dont live to be 90.

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timeforitnowright@reddit

I get that. But comparing your story to theirs is not making them feel better. It’s like my husband at his first holiday without his dad and my mom saying well my husband died 6 years ago. Yea. Sure. But they’re grieving now. They don’t need to hear well it must be nice bc mine died long ago! It’s their post. Their sadness. This doesn’t help anyone.

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strangefruitpots@reddit

The people saying “at least your mom lived till 90” are missing the point. We feel like orphans when our parents pass, no matter how young or old we are. My mom died when I was 42 and the idea that I now am the adult in the world was terrifying. I still tear up, five years later, thinking about how alone I am in the world even though I have kids and a partner. It’s ok to be sad and unrooted and a little crazy.

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Moody_GenX@reddit

To each their own but not everyone will feel like an orphan when their parents pass away eventually. Yes it's ok to be sad.

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hair_10@reddit

Orphan as of last October. Dad passed a little over 4 years ago, mom in October. It sucks. Every day I wish I could just call them up and talk to them.

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Zadyria_Gelm@reddit

🫂

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Comprehensive_End751@reddit

Became an orphan last month. Doesn’t feel any different for me. I did however get my brother, a SIL and 3 nephews in my life now so that’s a bonus

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theateroffinanciers@reddit

All my life I dreaded the thought of not having my parents around. And now I'm living that reality. It's a wound that will never heal. I know what you mean about feeling I can orphan. This is a club you don't want to be a member of. But here we all are, or will be.

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MissKellieUk@reddit

It’s the weirdest feeling ever. No one understands it until they are there, either. I am so sorry for all of us who get it 💔

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Immediate-Rub3807@reddit

And it’s totally normal to feel that way, lost my mom at the end of October and she was the last one of the family to go. She had 10 brothers and sister, my aunts and uncles who have all passed as well as my father 14 years ago and my little brother 12 years ago now so it’s a weird feeling knowing that you’re left now.

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HedgeCowFarmer@reddit

Oh hon, I’m sorry. We are all you.

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Googiegogomez@reddit

It’s so hard. Going through it now Mom passed 5 years ago, Dad (93) in hospice. Unrooted is a good way to put it.

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Auferstehen78@reddit

My Mom passed when I was 28 and stepdad when I was 35 (at the time I thought he was my biological father).

I absolutely disliked the word orphan as I think there should be another word for those who lose parents when adults.

I second getting therapy, but when you are ready otherwise it's pointless.

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Fudloe@reddit

My folks had me young and both passed rather young (mom at 59- one year older than I am now, dad at 71. They were 18 and 21, respective when I arrived).

Losing them was my biggest fear my entire life. But I can tell you from experience- we are designed to accept it after it happens and although I'll never fully adjust to their absence, it becomes a livable situation more quickly than you'd expect.

I have faith you'll be ok, in time.

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deluxeok@reddit

I’m sorry about your mom, it must be really special to have a relationship with her that long

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ConscientiousDissntr@reddit

It is a weird feeling, I always knew if I got in a tremendous jam my parents would do whatever they needed to do to help me out. That they're literally wasn't one thing I could do that would make them not love me and be there for me. My dad died in 2019 and my mom died in 2020. It's an empty feeling, but what can you do.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

omg exactly! I'm so sorry too

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Historical_Nail7271@reddit

It sucks!!!!! 😭

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TracyVegas@reddit

You will never be an orphan. You have parents.

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sorenelf@reddit

It’s hard. My dad has been gone over 20 years, my mama for 3. I think part of it is realising that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter how much you loved them, death comes for everyone. It’s a big mortality check. I will admit to being scared to go to sleep/ consciously waiting till after midnight so I knew I’d made it to another day for a while. Ridiculous, but relevant to how I was feeling. It lasted about 12 months and it was exhausting. I’m over it for the most part now…..and when it does hit, I can talk myself down. The pain and sorrow that comes with it will soften over time, but it never leaves. Sending a big hug x

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

Awww...ty and I am so sorry.

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h3dwig0wl1974@reddit

Thank your stars that your parent is living at 90 plus. We’re in our 50’s, 60’s. At our age, still having living parents is a bonus.

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CBTprovider@reddit

My relationship with both of my parents has had ups and downs, but I’m really going to miss them when they’re gone.

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Chibi-Skyler@reddit

No matter how much we prepare ourselves, we're never ready when that time comes.

I lost my dad in 1990 and Mom 10 years later. I still miss them very much.

Warm wishes to you...🕊️

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Glass_Translator9@reddit

I’ve lost 1, dreading #2.

My heart is with you. Spend time. ❤️‍🩹🙏

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Ok_Experience_8194@reddit

I'm so sorry for you having to go through this. My mom passed 12 years ago and my dad passed 3 years ago. It's such a sad and empty feeling knowing that you're all by yourself, your family is just gone. That feeling of becoming an orphan.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

I am so sorry and ty so much!!

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jakeller74@reddit

I’m so sorry; lost my mom in ‘24, and my dad earlier this year, so I get it. It sucks. Again, truly sorry for what you’re going through.

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Adorableviolet@reddit (OP)

I'm so very sorry!

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FelinusFanaticus@reddit

I’ve been an orphan for 20 years. The lost feeling has never eased up. Being parentless in this world has never stopped feeling lonely. I’m the last one to hold the memories my parents and I made together.

I’m sorry for your heart and mind. I wish you the best and your mom an easy transition. Hugs from a stranger who understands.

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