Parents/dementia
Posted by meggsovereasy@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 34 comments
Hi fellow 80s babies!
Quick question, I’m the sibling that lives far away and I see my parents 2-3 times a year (probably totaling less than 2 weeks annually).
How are you able to tell if your parents are starting to have memory issues? My sister doesn’t see it, but my mom repeats herself or tells me the same story, several times. My dad forgets what my mom made for lunch. I’m just having trouble deciphering between normal memory issues related to age and that of dementia.
My siblings see them more often, but blame it on age.
Thanks, friends.
Beetreezy@reddit
Self awareness about the memory slips can be a differentiator. Often progressive dementia/Alzheimer’s patients are completely (and aggressively) unaware of these behaviors. If they believe you when say “That same story again?” and are able to associate that with their overall forgetfulness…they’re probably closer to normal age related memory loss than dementia. Cognitive tests and doctor consults are still needed, but the above may give you some peace of mind in the interim.
KSknitter@reddit
So, my suggestion is that you convince them to see a doctor for dementia/alzheimer's but not for a diagnosis, but for a "baseline" just in case they get it. Make it sound like a routine medical appointment they just need to do to prove they are still fit.
OskeyBug@reddit
My dad has it and his main thing has been losing his train of thought and having trouble selecting words. There are a lot of different presentations and progressions and it's best to have a doctor check them out early. Meds have helped my dad tremendously.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
Without knowing how often the stories are repeated, that sounds age-related. You need to be worried if you start to see paranoia or the loss of logic. Anecdotes that make you think, "Wait, what? That makes no sense."
WittyClerk@reddit
This is exactly what I was trying to explain, TY- dementia exhibits paranoia and loss of logic, for sure.
WittyClerk@reddit
I notice my aunt and uncle are beginning the decline with similar small things that you've described: repeating themselves/ repeating stories, forgetting they said something, and the worst is my aunt starting to forget to blow out candles before bed.
I visit them maybe once a month or every 6 weeks.
My uncle and myself are the two that moved far away, and my grandmother had dementia. Uncle visited once a year, I'd visit every 1-4 years, depending. Similarly, we'd notice things that my dad and other uncle didn't pick up bc they saw her every day. They also had a harder time emotionally, trying to force her to remember, while my uncle just rolled with his 'new name' or whoever grama thought he was when he visited. I rolled with being her daughter (she didn't have any daughters).
But dementia is way different than simple memory loss (like repeating stories, forgetting the candles, etc...). When they are forgetting names, places, doing weird things like hiding stuff- weird, random stuff in weird places, etc... It is hard to explain but it's different. In my grandmother's last months, she was telling everyone about 'her daughter [me] in Los Angeles', and had forgotten all four of her actual sons.
Mission_Fart9750@reddit
My mom's dementia started with paranoia (what would the neighbors think of my new girlfriend's car in the driveway, after not giving a single shit what the neighbors thought for the previous 15 years). General confusion came next. Then the driving, which got bad (wrong way, many near miss accidents, getting lost somewhere we'd lived for 20 years). Then it was the cooking and taking a nap with the stove on. We moved in at that point because she couldn't be left alone anymore. After she fell (and we had to have the fire department come and help get her up, mom was a bigger lady and the 3 of us couldn't get her back up alone), it was time for her to go to a home, because we just could not do it anymore. I won't get into the developments after that, because they aren't necessarily relevant to your fears.
waywardflaneur@reddit
Do you plan to see them in the next six months? Just pay closer attention when you do. They are not going to go from forgetting what they ate to unable to think in such a short time unless there is something seriously wrong, and I suspect your siblings would notice that if it were the case.
When you visit, observe, and then if you have concerns talk with them about it openly. Don’t be shy. If they are getting dementia, have all the conversations, because there will come a time when you can’t have them.
But you don’t need to worry about them suddenly disappearing. Just go see them.
flerchin@reddit
The doctor has simple tests they can do that really makes it clear. The earlier they get a handle on it, the more happy years they will have.
waywardflaneur@reddit
Don’t give too much weight to a doctors visit. In my experience neurologists are terrible about communicating the reality of dementia and its potential progression. Most of them just send you out the door with a pitiful shrug.
walks_with_penis_out@reddit
How does "getting a handle on it" improve anything?
flerchin@reddit
The decline can be slowed, support systems put in place to have better quality of life and more good days than bad.
walks_with_penis_out@reddit
How do you slow the decline?
flerchin@reddit
Ask your doctor.
walks_with_penis_out@reddit
Lol why bother saying anything at all?
flerchin@reddit
Depending on the person's medical history, the treatments are varied. The point is; there are treatments.
Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit
There are so many new therapies, nutritional regimens, and even medications now. If your doctor doesn't know, look for a specialist.
Pink_pony4710@reddit
Everyone should probably have the basic cognitive test around 60ish. This establishes a baseline. Then regularly after that. Old people get so stubborn about this but they are probably scared what it will turn up. If it was part of regular preventative care it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit
My mom is 86. Her mom passed with Alzheimer's when she was 65, and she started having cognitive testing done as part of her physicals. Ironically, now at 86, she's refusing to have it done, and we both know her sharpness is slipping just a bit, but nothing scary. I keep reassuring her she's functioning at a normal cognitive level (hell she's sharper than me after a long work day) and the testing won't be bad, but she doesn't even want to discuss it. It hurts to see them aging. Idk about y'all but it hurt even more with my dad because he was so capable until he wasn't.
rearwindowpup@reddit
Second getting baselines. We didnt have one for my dad and its made tracking his progression much harder.
bassman314@reddit
You need to get your family to understand how big this is. Before something happens.
We had an older family member. Widowed and lived mostly alone. Family did live nerby on the same property, but didn't always regularly check in on her.
We were visiting for a holiday and I was cooking a dish. 2 things occurred that later became part of the catalyst for having her go into care.
1) Cat had gotten into pantry where all the pots were stored and had peed. I discovered this when I about gassed myself as the dried urine on the outside of the pot started to burn off. I dumped the pot, cleaned it (and all of the other pots in the pantry) thoroughly and started over.
2) After I had dealt with the above, she came in and filled the kettle with water and placed it on the burner. When it went off, I turned it off and went and found her to tell her her water was boiling. She had no idea what I was talking about.
I don't think I need to fill in the blanks of what might have happened had either of these things happened and she had been alone.
You really don't want to wait until something really bad happens.
canoegal4@reddit
Your siblings who are around them more would know
No-Relation4226@reddit
Maybe, but denial can be quite a powerful factor for those in-town siblings. And/ir it’s a slow enough progression that they chalk it up to “normal” aging.
hamburgler26@reddit
This is very, very true and important to think about. Even 3-6 months a LOT can change and be very subtle so somebody who sees them every day, but its night and day when you come in with a fresh perspective.
TiffanyThePlant@reddit
It’s really tough. Here’s a good resource (with humor) https://www.graymonster.co/
TheWildTofuHunter@reddit
My father had it horribly after the cancer set in years ago before his passing. So many ER trips and his worrying about nonexistent things (holes in the ground, his shipmates underneath his medical bed due to being in the navy, etc). My stepmom is starting to delve into it, and my heart is aching especially since it runs in her family. 💔 Not sure how the next several years are going to go, but I love her and will support her every day.
unsolicitedreview@reddit
Write down everything you notice, with a date. Join r/AgingParents/ if you haven't already.
Both of my husband's parents had Lewy body dementia, and in retrospect the first things we should have noticed, even before memory issues, were the personality changes, especially sense of humor. Rather than the sarcastic, fast-paced kind of humor they had enjoyed all their lives, both in conversation and in movies/TV, my father-in-law suddenly liked slapstick humor, and my MIL stopped laughing at anything. My FIL would also drive erratically to get a rise out of people, and that didn't fit with his younger self.
littlemama9242@reddit
Well shit, my dad has been repeating the same stories for 40 years so idk if I will ever know with him
This_hoe_dumb@reddit
I’m going to call my moms doctor ahead of her next appointment to let them know my concerns. They can give easy tests to determine what’s going on.
HipsterBikePolice@reddit
My grandma on my mom’s side lost her mind to dementia when I was young. Now I see similarities with my mom. I think they both have autism and never got diagnosed
OpenAcanthisitta5254@reddit
If they are willing, go get a full neuropsy cognitive exam. They are 4+ hours sometimes but get great data to help decisions on next steps.
AntisocialFlutterby3@reddit
This is so tough! Through my work I've met many people with dementia and their families. Denial is very common in this area. When families suspect dementia, I always recommend a medical evaluation to rule out any other potential causes of memory loss. They can start with their primary care doc, then see a specialist for further evaluation (often a neurologist). The Alzheimer's Association is also a great resource. They publish 10 warning signs but include age-related changes for comparison (https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs). They also operate a free 24/7 helpline where you can talk through your concerns with a trained professional. They can give tips on approaching the convo with your siblings and parents. This isn't easy and I hope you have support as well.
CalliopePenelope@reddit
I have an aunt and an uncle on my mom’s side of the family showing signs of early onset dementia (my mother is not).
My mom worries that she is developing memory problems, but she’s always been “forgetful” about things that don’t interest her (primarily boring tasks and things she doesn’t want to deal with). Meanwhile, she has an encyclopedic knowledge and memory for things that do interest her, like our family’s genealogy.
Compare that to my uncle who cut off part of his finger because he doesn’t remember tool safety. Or my aunt who didn’t understand the concept of a stop light.
It really boils down to how well they function on a day to day basis and if they are forgetting or failing to recognize critical things, like family members. Also, how much is their personality changing?
BoredAccountant@reddit
Short term memory loss like you're describing is a normal part of aging. Memory loss is a part of dementia, but dementia itself is a decrease in cognitive function, not just memory.