I see lots of kid success stories, anyone's kid struggle in high school?
Posted by PoorhouseDog@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 45 comments
My son is wrapping up his sophomore year of high school. It has been a struggle. Meetings with multiple teachers about his lack of interest in school, not doing work, not paying attention, etc. His grades have not been good. He has bounced up English, Science and History to A-B level. Geometry is a solid F at 27%. He doesn't want the F and is trying to bring it up but I think he's going to run out of time.
When we talk about school performance he doesn't deny it. He contends that he doesn't like school, doesn't think it is set up well to foster learning and that it is therefore pointless. We spend a lot of time looking for aspects of school he does like, and talking about doing things we don't like to get to something better. He understands that and says he wants to go to college at some point. He just can't seem to stay focused week after week. He is plenty smart, it's just focusing in class and doing the work.
We're debating getting him tested for ADHD. The school has never mentioned he is at risk. Several friends with older kids had ADHD diagnosis in high school after displaying similar behavior. I never considered it as he can focus on things he likes. He works after school hosting and bussing at a local restaurant with no issues.
Anyone been through something similar? At this point we are checking his schoolwork daily to confirm he has completed assignments. We have weekly check-ins with his teachers to confirm he is performing in class. This is hard to sustain and doesn't feel like he is learning any independence. Feels like we are dragging him through school waiting for his frontal cortex to develop enough to take over.
I'm not sure how he recovers from an F in math this semester. I think he can maybe retake over the summer? Need to check with the school to get ahead of that. I'm guessing it will still have an impact on his overall GPA? If he goes to college he is talking about in state University with a GPA requirement of 2.5 so that could still be in play. We also have a local community college he can attend to try college out.
For context I can relate to his position. I didn't like school either. I did have a personal baseline of an overall 3.0 GPA. I took a couple years off after high school. I was only motivated to go to college as I didn't like any of the career opportunities available without it. I'm fine with him taking his time after high school to find what he wants to do. I would like him to graduate and at least keep the door open for college.
Guess I needed to vent. That is a wall of text.
Summary - Kid is struggling in high school. As a parent that didn't like school I can relate but would like to see him graduate with 3.0 ish GPA.
bspanther71@reddit
Oh mine did! He's mid 30s now. But he ended up dropping out after sophomore year (he was 18 so I couldn't stop him). Turned out ok. No college but he's working steady and making it work.
Mouse-Direct@reddit
I have an only child, as well. He’s a senior this year, graduating with a 4.3 headed to college on scholarships. But wait, there’s more!
We sent him to pre-school at 3 at a private school because he was an only. He loved the school so much, he ended up going there through 8th grade. They addressed his speech delay and ADHD. Super small classes, tons of hands on learning.
After middle school, he wanted to stay in private school and picked a Catholic high school near us (we are not Catholic). We had to make sacrifices for the tuition, but it was a godsend (no pun intended). He’s a geeky kid who loves theatre, and fell in with the drama kids who are bright and interested in school.
There have been very, very few discipline issues at the school, and the biggest scandal has been freshmen boys overflowing the toilet with paper towels.
His classes were small and interesting and learning focused. His senior year he went in with all of his requirements (sciences, history, language) taken except senior English and Calculus. This year he’s been in College Writing, Government, AP Calc, Play Production, Media Production, Musical Theatre, Competitive Drama, Comparative Religions, Reading for Pleasure, Music Appreciation, and a planning hour.
If you can find (and afford) a school like that? It’s been such an amazing journey for us. Good luck!
onemorebutfaster_74@reddit
Mine is in 8th grade and I'm worrying about how HS will go. My son constantly complains about hating school. He's struggled with reading because he hates to read and it "makes him fall asleep." Math is a struggle too. We finally had him tested and he has slow processing speeds. So, it just takes him longer to grasp concepts. He has maybe a very mild ADHD, but nothing that could be medicated. He'll likely have a 504 plan going into HS, and in our meeting with the counselor, she told us that we'd be surprised how many kids, even kids in Honors classes, have 504s and IEPs. Much different than when I was a kid. The upside is that when he does work he is pretty locked in. He's at is desk and gets stuff done. I'm more distracted by shiny objects than he is. he has also found a couple of part time jobs that he's excelled at so far. He plays tennis and he's been asked to coach younger kids and work at camps, and the other coaches seem to think he's great and the kids like him, so that's been great at building his confidence. He seems great at making friends. He's done some lifeguard training, and loves first aid, so I could see him wanting to be an EMT or a firefighter, something with some action. But we'll see what happens over teh next four years. Maybe some of it is a 14 year old's attitude.
hesathomes@reddit
Paying attention to boring things is a life skill your kid needs to develop. Better now than as an adult. Why is he working an after school job with crap grades? Seems like it should be something he earns. I wouldn’t focus on the ADD thing—based on being able to bring up other grandees he clearly can focus but chooses not to.
hesathomes@reddit
*grades
That’s a heck of an autocorrect
PoorhouseDog@reddit (OP)
The job is something under discussion right now. It's been a rule that you can't do extracurriculars if you can't keep up your grades. He had a 3.2 first semester when he got the job. Now they the grades slipped we're talking about the job. Plus the autocross and other things he likes to do.
Starkville@reddit
Yes. Middle kid was a MESS. She only passed and graduated because the teachers knew how smart she was and the NYC public school system just passes kids along. If she liked a class, she’d get an A. If she didn’t, she’d barely pass it. It was awful for her and for us and her teachers.
She got to college (state school) and almost flunked out her first year. She hated her major/classes. Was miserable. We said “You can major in whatever you want. Take whatever classes you want. Just stay in school.”
Now she’s a junior with a 4.0 average.
cometshoney@reddit
Two of my sons don't have a thing wrong with them, but they just didn't do well in high school. They're not stupid, either, which made it more frustrating. Now, one is a plumber who earns far more than his college graduate friends and is buying his first house two doors up from mine. The other just got on with the fire department, which was apparently his dream all along. The second one always tells me that they weren't paying him to be at school, which, in his mind, somehow explains why he's always worked as hard as he does for money but blew off school. My oldest, autistic son did great in high school. None of them have ever been arrested, there are zero baby mamas, they're kind, decent people, and they're all gainfully employed. I guess that's success.
mothraegg@reddit
Yes, if they had paid my middle son to attend school, he would have done mych better. In the end, it just matters that they graduate high school and that they have a decent work ethic.
digawina@reddit
One thing about ADHD is an inability to focus on things that don't interest you. Non-ADHD people can work through that. People with ADHD cannot. But they CAN laser focus on things of interest. My ADHD child can sit down to build something (put stuff together around the house, or a Lego project) and shut out the world and focus on that. But reading a book? Nope. People think it's an inability to focus at all, but it's just not. It also is a spectrum. One person's ADHD will not be exactly like another person's.
Available-Bison-9222@reddit
I wish my ADHD child would find an interest.
PoorhouseDog@reddit (OP)
I did not understand how that worked. The more I read about it the more I see him display the behaviors. He can literally get lost for hours on things he likes.
Available-Bison-9222@reddit
We are dragging our 3rd child through school. We'll be lucky to get him to final exams next year. He has just been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit) and the meds are causing unpleasant side effects so it's a struggle keeping him going. At the moment he's barely passing some subjects and not passing others. He hasn't a clue what he wants to do when he finishes school. I just don't know what we are going to do with him.
mothraegg@reddit
My middle son did not like school. He's very intelligent and he was always able to pull his grades up at the end. So he just scraped by in high school.
After a few bad semesters of community college, he finally got it all together. He now has his MBA, is a partner in a company that produces health and beauty projects and is doing great. He has always had a great work ethic, he just didn't like high school. He was definitely the kid I was most stressed about during his high school years.
My youngest has a type A personality and she checked her own grades on Aeries. Her high school years were stressful for me because she was so hard on her self. My oldest played sports and always had to keep his grades up, so that helped.
My stance was always that my kids had to graduate high school. There was no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Out of 3 kids, two of them graduated college and the other works a blue collar job that he enjoys. They are all successful in their work and home life.
EmbarrassedAge7612@reddit
Mine is struggling relating to her peers. She has this high moral compass that I totally respect but my wife and I often times have to sugar coat what we’re saying as not to “offend” her.
We both hated school and didn’t have much use for our peers either. That also didn’t stop us from having a few friends. She has a hard time making them, because she’s so judgmental. She finds someone she likes and relates to and then finds out their friends with some other person who drinks or smokes.
She has no grey area. I hope for her sake she finds her groove because life definitely has a lot of grey areas if you plan to enjoy it.
Consistent-Change386@reddit
My 8th grade son has zero executive function skills. He’s not dumb, he just can’t organize and has zero time management skills. It’s impossible for him to catch up when he misses class. If he doesn’t really care about the class then he really lets it slide. Right now he has a 39 in a class- thank god it’s just an elective and it’s not high school yet. I am worried about him for next year in high school- I legit don’t know how he is going to stay on track. We do our best to keep him accountable but honestly, the school’s parent portal is confusing AF and I don’t even really understand how to use it. It doesn’t help that I can’t see a computer screen to save my life- even with glasses.
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
That sounds like adhd. Please consider getting him tested.
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
Yup. My 18M teen was a hot mess for grades 9-12. Then repeated 12 and has done unbelievably well and been accepted into his first choice University program. I only learned recently from him that the covid years he was in 7/8th grades they literally learned nothing. So then there was a huge learning curve when they went back to school- grade 9, that was mostly in person. Also he hated a lot of the content. Ie, English books he had no interest in reading. And for boys this is a big deal. Getting him tested for ADHD is a HUGE step. My kid was tested in grade 5 and I wish we had tested him earlier. Meds made a huge difference - but one that aren’t stimulants. He’s on Straterra. He also failed first semester of grade 12, and that was the kick up the ass that made him rethink what he was doing. But yeah. I’ve been through ALL of this and it was a shitshow. His therapist told me one key point: give him the autonomy he needs to sink or swim. But let him figure it out himself. They eventually figure it out. Good luck. Parenting neurodivergent teens is not for the faint of heart.
Apprehensive_Put4319@reddit
Literally living same life. Thanks for getting conversation started
LollyGoss@reddit
Yes my youngest HATED highschool. The environment really was horrible for him. Before he had been a relatively popular high-achieving student. HS was constant chaos of students and teachers, misbehavior & teachers screaming, he just couldn’t deal w it!
Anonymo123@reddit
my son is 16, def has ADHD and because of divorce and our local schools sucking, choice into a different district and covid his social everything was disrupted and a big issue. He is getting much better, has a few friends at school and is planning to go to college. Thankfully we have it funded and my hope is he blossoms socially once he is in the dorms.
No idea what he will do, he is still pondering that myself. I have mentioned the trades as I don't think he'll be happy with a desk 9-5 job. Military was a thought but he swore that off a while ago...
Sufficient_Space8484@reddit
My son lost half his junior year and all of his senior year to covid. He was completely robbed of a true highschool experience and has been struggling to find his way ever since.
properwaffles@reddit
I hated high school, not even sure how I graduated. Was in military family, so I ended up going to 3 different schools. They must have all had different requirements because I somehow managed to graduate without a single foreign language class OR any math higher than pre-algebra.
Ended up going to a community college where I could just take whatever classes interested me and ended up loving it. Eventually transferred to and graduated from CSUMB.
Just an anecdote from a former someone's-kid.
Alternative_Sock_608@reddit
My kid struggled her freshman and sophomore years of high school. She was able to retake geometry and Algebra II.
She had been an honor roll student until high school and I think she was just not ready for the level of rigor of the classes she was required to take in high school. Then she became convinced she was stupid and quit trying.
I had to fight to get a less-rigorous curriculum her junior year which was totally worth it. It helped with her attitude and well-being 100%.
After all of that she will be graduating with approximately a 3.0 and was accepted into a state school for the fall. I honestly think she just needed a little more time to mature.
You should look up the exact requirements for the colleges that might be a possibility. In our case she had to pass every core class with a C or better snd the retake cancelled out the lower grade. She also did much better when she retook the classes.
ACorania@reddit
My kid has been similar all through school which was a big reason we homeschooled. He got way ahead after that. But it's hard work.
SkepticalMisanthrope@reddit
This is a great example of the need for - what I hope - is going to be a golden age of learning powered by AI. AI is an endlessly patient, incredibly versatile tutor that can adjust for different learning styles and interests while still guiding students on a defined curriculum at each student's pace. Basically every student get's a personal tutor rather than the mass produced, education that forces every student to conform to one learning style / preference because that's the only way to teach in a many to one ratio of student to teacher. Teacher can transition to learning coaches and mentors rather than mass lecturers.
butterflygardyn@reddit
School is not for everyone. My brother-in-law couldn't do well in school and hated every minute of it, when he could be made to go. But he could take apart and fix anything. He went into a trade and has done really, really well. He says he'd go crazy if he had to sit behind a desk everyday like my husband does.
Please get him tested for ADHD. Being untreated as an adult can lead to a lot of avoidable problems. Not being good in school can be overcome, but having an undiagnosed and untreated problem can be disastrous.
ihynz@reddit
My son has ADHD, and when life threw us some lemons, he spent a year at an alternative school, before going back to regular school. Then he went to community college. And now has a great career. So, consider all the options.
limited_instincts@reddit
Couple of things, it's a bit late now for remediation. That geometry is a lost cause. But as far as the school thing goes, my daughter hated high school as well. Didn't do well. She didn't try even though she tested into gifted and is highly intelligent. I think her GPA was a 2.7? Go figure. She took two years off to work and finally decided she wanted to go to college to study. Her GPA right now is a 4.2. High School really isn't for everyone. I would very much not jump on the ADHD bandwagon though. Giving "ADGAF about school" a medical label is a bad idea as it shifts the students mindset from "this is my fault I need to get it together" to "oh I have ADHD I can't help it".
PoorhouseDog@reddit (OP)
That is my fear with opening that door. As he struggles I'm becoming more swayed by the parents that said it made a huge difference when they caught it. If it is the issue I'd hate to ignore it.
gridironsmom@reddit
My son is graduating Sunday. But even he can tell you what a slog it has been. English is hardest for him. He does best with math. He has ADHD, anxiety ( both diagnosed at age 4-5), sensory issues, level 1 autism (which I failed to get him diagnosed for until a couple years ago). School started getting difficult at about 6th grade for him. I'm glad my husband and are not the type to demand As and Bs no exception from our kids. And yes, he's on medication. Yes he can focus on the things he enjoys. Executive dysfunction is a real thing. He ended up with a 504 then an IEP throughout school. There are more kids out there struggling than you realize.
I'm proud of my kid and everyone else's kid who is making it through!
mis_1022@reddit
My son now 28yo has ADHD and struggled in certain classes in high school. Example failing art class but passing AP European history, he was interested in history so he could do the work. Eventually turned in the art work for passing credit.
I would talk with your son about plans after college to decide how to move forward. Trade school? Is there something he is interested in? Go from there. I would explore online high school, possibly GED, switching schools.
We were having social trouble with my daughter in middle school, fitting in, bullying, which affected her grades. Switching schools was the answer for her.
trailbait@reddit
Your son sounds a lot like my stepfather. He was an orphan who barely graduated HS and joined the Navy at 17. Something about the military's structure clicked with him. Twenty years later, he retired from the Navy with a high rank (Senior Chief Petty Officer), a college degree, an MBA, and a pension for the rest of his life. He entered the private sector and was very successful. If your son is not ready for the rigors of college immediately after HS graduation, that may be an option.
SamHandwich0@reddit
My now 20 yr old hated school and graduated with a D- average. It was down to the wire on if he was going to get to walk for graduation or if he was going to take summer school and get it mailed to him later.
He is not unintelligent, he just hated the structure and refused to do homework. It was a serious struggle from about 6th grade on.
We tried all sorts of things to get him to care, he just didn't, and saw it all as pointless.
Since graduation he has been working construction and seems to really like it. Appears to be doing well (lives on his own) and pays his own bills.
I think it was just that he really didnt like school and refused to do work he saw as pointless. Whether that is right or wrong i can see his point. If someone was thrying to force me to go do calculus somewhere i'd tell them to f-off too.
geekymom@reddit
My son is thirty and struggled through high school. Did two years of college and dropped out. He sounds similar to your son. He's really smart but didn't see the point of school. It's definitely harder for him now. He works in the food industry and has had some great long term jobs but the industry is very volatile. He's lost a job twice because the business closed.
Maybe your son would prefer something more hands on? A trade, maybe? While college definitely opens doors, it's not for everyone.
Sufficient-Spray-367@reddit
Now is the time to get him into a trades class. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you will have tried. My son has made a great living in the trades. Junior year is when it became available. You still have time.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Both of mine went to alternative schools.
My oldest had drug and behavioral problems and got kicked out, but was later able to turn things around and graduate from an alternative school. She went back to college in her late twenties and graduated with honors last year.
My youngest got epilepsy in the beginning of 8th grade and had to drop and go to an alternative school due to missing too much school. She ended taking the HS proficiency test and graduated at 16.
So neither really had the traditional HS experience and they don't seem to regret it. They're both extremely intelligent but hated school (well my oldest liked it much later).
swigs77@reddit
It was always a struggle with my oldest. He had zero interest in school work from a young age. His mom and I had to fight with him tooth and nail just to get him through it. He could have used an early intervention, we have one with are youngest and it's made a world of difference. He's still in elementary but loves math and science. He finds things interesting enough and does his work. I guess I will see when he gets older if this continues. My oldest would score just high enough on placement tests that he didn't qualify for extra services. He only graduated due to COVID. It was the last few months of his senior year that we went into lockdown. He got online work to make up his missing assignments and they waived the regents exams. Test taking was his big downfall so COVID was a blessing in disguise. He is in his twenties now, works as a diesel mechanic, he is doing good.
Tls-user@reddit
Yup - our son had ADHD and was in grade 8 when Covid hit so suddenly he was stuck doing virtual school.
Grade 9 he did remotely and when he returned to in-person for grade 10 (2021) he really struggled so we decided it was time to put him on meds to see if they helped.
It took well over a year to finally get the right Rx and dosage.
He had no problems at his part time job because it was very stimulating with lots of movement/variety and he loved his tech courses.
Even with medication, purely academic subjects were torture. The only way he was able to pass math was with twice weekly tutoring.
Fast forward to grade 12 and he took 4 courses as a tech co-op and graduated on the honour roll.
He just finished college for heavy equipment mechanic and graduated with a 3.55 GPA on their scholar roll and is now working full time earning over $60,000 / year .
Is your son mechanical inclined?
B52fortheCrazies@reddit
I don't know if this will help, but I struggled in high school with similar issues. I wanted to be anywhere except high school so I skipped a ton and never did homework. I also had some family social stressors and no real parental supervision that I'm sure contributed to my bad grades. I started to get my shit together in senior year, but in the end I graduated with a 2.6 GPA. I realized I was not going to get what I wanted in life with that as my most recent school record. I worked at the mall and did a year of community college where I tried really hard and got much better grades. I eventually got into a good 4 year university and then went on to medical school. High school can be a tough time, but there are ways to make up for it once you are ready. I can't stress the "once you are ready" part enough.
Effective_Jury_4303@reddit
In every graduating class across the US (I’m exempting high dollar private schools) the majority of students are average or below average. You see lots of success stories because those are the parents bragging on social media or in social gatherings. Not many people are going to brag about their kid who met the minimum standards to graduate and has lined up a post graduation job at McDonald’s. Your son is not alone in lacking motivation. As a person who has dealt with ADHD all my life, I do recommend having him tested. May want to rule out dyslexia and/or dyscalculia too.
HighSideSurvivor@reddit
My oldest struggled. She’s a smart kid, but struggled with procrastination. And she was always prone to choosing what was fun over what was needed. The whole “follow your bliss” taken to the extreme.
Her grades tanked in her sophomore year, and both of us parents had to micromanage her for a while. That was NO FUN. But never got involved with the school, because the problem was clearly to do with my daughter.
She relapsed a bit in junior year, but recovered, and has managed herself well all through her senior year. So there is hope. And she did well enough to earn significant merit scholarships from numerous colleges and universities (she will be starting in Sept).
Also, I myself was a TERRIBLE student, due to procrastination and attitude problems. I went to college, but that was something of a miracle.
le4t@reddit
Not a parent, but I have friends who have been in this position. I think adhd testing is worthwhile, of your kid is up for it. Being able to focus when it's something you're interested in and performing well with physical busy-ness are both common characteristics for those with the diagnosis.
And remember people tend to share successes and hide failures.
AbjectPoetry4699@reddit
Kids have different learning styles and issues. Being supportive and looking for solutions wherever they might be is the right approach. More people crow about their kids successes than struggles. Struggling does not mean a kid isn’t going to be successful, happy and a good person.
groundhogcow@reddit
Goth my kids are dipshits. One of my grand kids are also.
Every manor of problem you can imagine.
The kids have gotten to stable, in there 30's so they will be ok. The one grandkid will make it in time also.
I have another grandkid I have high hopes for but he is young still.
It's way more fun to talk about what they do right then what they do wrong. It's not all roses though. Even if you do everything right it can still go poorly. It's like they are independent people.