Completely burnt out as a parent
Posted by Savings_Brief8650@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 15 comments
Throwaway account and somewhat a rant. I'm really struggling as a parent in my new country. We have two kids, and while we do have some family support on my spouse's side, it's maybe one night every six months or so. Spouse works defined hours, which leaves things like school pick ups and drop off to me, putting a lot of pressure on my work day. I don't really have my own community here as being a parent sucks up almost all of my time and energy. I decline 9/10 invitations and it drags me down each time I say no.
It seems that everyone (who isn't a parent or an immigrant) is constantly pressuring me with stuff like taking language classes, to "enjoy the country" and other things that just add even more pressure onto an already over-stressed and over-burdened life. There is no village to release the pressure valve. I'm struggling with overwhelming guilt for not taking care of myself, but it doesn't seem realistically possible. The people around me are in such a fundamentally different place than I am in life, that I don't really have anyone to relate to, either.
Every day I hate all the responsibility, and typically parenting forums aren't really set up for the added loneliness and lack of support of the immigrant experience. I try to do my best, but, honestly, I've lost so much of myself, and I have no idea how to get it back, or even what me looks like any more.
Sorry for the rant, but maybe someone else can relate.
ChuffedCunnilingus@reddit
What’s your budget like? We also have a very small village around us but I managed to find a trusted babysitter which helps us out immensely.
Halo_of_Light@reddit
yes! Au Pair or nanny services, or what the bottom commenter said if they live in a SEA/China style country with Ayis help so much
Savings_Brief8650@reddit (OP)
We had one for a bit, but, sadly, this isn't 1980 anymore. Babysitters are a lost profession and it's very difficult to find someone, let alone someone you can trust.
ECALEMANIA@reddit
How about after school activities to give you extra time for yourself. I did that and it was not the magic solution, but it gave me some nice time for my self that I need it.
Savings_Brief8650@reddit (OP)
We've done that, but honestly, shutting them to and fro and the extra scheduling actually makes it harder, not easier. The two are very different in ages, so activities don't overlap and one has to stay with one child while the other manages the other. There's just no downtime.
SuLiaodai@reddit
So you're not in a country that has an ayi (part time or full-time hired carer) culture? In other words, not Southeast Asia or China?
Chill_Cuttlefish_999@reddit
I'm sorry to hear the you are struggling. Parenting is a already hard job. Your family has to also deal with being in a new country, which comes with its own multitude of challenge, and not having enough external support. In addition, both you and your spouse work, is that right? Are you both working full time, but the child work falls mostly to you because your schedule it "fits" your work schedule easier?
It is completely understandable that you feel exhausted and have no energy to try to do more. Your post title says you're burnt out as a parent, but you might be burnt out overall.
I don't know what else you do in addition to being a parent and a spouse, and I don't know how you do these things as in how many percent of effort you put into things. It might be worth taking stock of your situation, and see if there's anything you can drop to give yourself more breathing space.
Feel free to DM.
sikkerhet@reddit
I'm sorry, this sucks to hear, but:
.
You cannot decline 90% of the invitations and then be frustrated at not having a village. They are trying to be the village. Let them.
Savings_Brief8650@reddit (OP)
The village is about having help with parental responsibilities so the invitation can be accepted in the first place. Most activities take place at times that are simply not possible, as most people are childfree and do not have such inbuilt time constraints. We switch off to give each other nights out sometimes, but when everyone wants to meet at 7pm, that's going to be an automatic no.
TikiBikini1984@reddit
Why is 7pm an automatic no? Can you adjust the timing of your kids' schedules a bit? Is 7pm not an ok time for your spouse to take over?
seachimera@reddit
I think you misunderstood those statements. I think OP is declining because they don’t have the time and energy to say yes and be social. Hence the side effect is no community to lean on and integrate with.
swampgremlins@reddit
Why can’t he care for the kids while you have classes or social activites outside of his work? Sounds like a partner problem, not an expat problem.
Savings_Brief8650@reddit (OP)
I'm the husband and primary caregiver due to my wife's intense work schedule. She BUSTS HER ASS, just like me, and we are both drowning, so please, stop with the Redditisms.
DifferentWindow1436@reddit
They didn't specify gender.
I'm a guy. I was absolutely the primary caregiver and the non-citizen and held down a job. I wouldn't assume.
seachimera@reddit
Thank you for affirming my choice to not be a parent.
I’m sorry that’s not supportive— but your rant helped me. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I really hope you don’t crash. You definitely need logistical on site help so that you can ensure essential self care time.
I hope you get it!