Did you ever settle down, or will you bounce aimlessly around forever?

Posted by JuiceIntelligent2685@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 33 comments

Hi folks, I am now living in country # 7 and have been here for eight years (which is the longest I've stayed anywhere). But I still have this nagging feeling in my mind that I should keep going to the next adventure.

Sometimes I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm 45 years old now. I'm not 25 anymore. Why can't I just be a normal person and live a normal life in one place? I don't think the people around me think about packing up and leaving on a daily basis. They just focus on daily life, la dee da. They don't research cost of living in Costa Rica or language schools in Japan. They just live.

Is this the never ending expat curse? The never ending wondering about what else is out there? Are we doomed to be homeless and rootless, addicted to the thrill of a new adventure? Always ready to sell all possessions and hit the road?

Or is it better to just accept that global wanderers are NOT normal people, and we cannot just settle down and live a normal, boring life?

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wandering_engineer@reddit

I am the same age as you, and honestly after going back home to visit family the very first thought I always have is "thank god I didn't take THAT path in life". Most of the people I knew growing up still live within 50 miles of their birthplace and are, well, boring. Like most Americans, they have little to no knowledge or interest in the outside world and are happy to live in their little comfy but ignorant bubble.

I am meanwhile on country #5 and am still happy with my lifestyle. I am starting to get tired of frequent moves - the nature of my job means I can rarely stay in any one country for more than 3 years - but I still enjoy the adventure.

Maybe it's time to start considering staying in one place for longer? Wanting to build roots is normal and healthy. I'm starting to think about it myself, I would live to stay in one place for longer and actually build a lasting social network. Not sure where yet but it's definitely on my mind. My only real fear is having to do that in my home country, I left for a reason and swore I'd never return for good.

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Tardislass@reddit

Saying that most Americans have no interest in the outside world is so weird to me and I don’t agree with you at all. Go to every country and the vast majority of inhabitants have never traveled outside their country.

Your city may be awful but if you traveled the country you’d find many Americans who are interested in traveling and other cultures. Americans expats who say this stuff are really out of touch.

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wandering_engineer@reddit

I will rephrase that. Individual Americans are great, sometimes. Many of them are wonderful people! And yes some are respectful, and the ones who bother to travel are usually good travelers. They are far better than several other country's average traveler in my experience. You don't see most Americans shoving other people out of the way to take a picture or spitting on the sidewalk.

That being said, the country as a society and sovereign nation is rotten. I spent over 30 years living in the US and have traveled pretty extensively in the States. I also come from a fairly well-educated family that is somewhat worldly. I have also spent over 15 years abroad and have gotten to know a lot of people in that time. I am pretty damn confident in my assessment.

I'm not going to argue it here, I have better things to do, but there's a reason why Trump and fascism took hold so easily in the US. There's also a reason the US is the only developed country without a functional healthcare system and without guaranteed maternity leave. The country as a whole would rather become irrelevant and decay than let someone "undeserving" get social benefits. They consistently refuse to address the ugliness in their history, even after a horrible civil war, and insist they are exceptional. That pride and bigotry will be the country's downfall.

Apart_Flounder_6145@reddit

Not planning to have a family in the future, so I have the freedom to bounce aimlessly until I die.

Original_Musician161@reddit

Eight years in one place is already an answer of sorts. The question might not be "should I stay" but "what would leaving actually give me that I don't have." For a lot of people that nagging feeling fades when they stop treating permanence as failure.

nonsense39@reddit

Some of us are just international wanderers who have to see what's over the next hill and around that bend. I'm 83 and have been doing it for 60+ years, so it might be a permanent condition. Since I'm now getting doddery, I travel mostly with my significantly younger Latin gf. The only issue she has is that I'm always checking bus,train, airplane schedules rather than ads for long term rentals.

peachpavlova@reddit

What an interesting life. How did you meet her?

She's an ex-beauty queen from where I used to live in Central America and has been my gf for over 15 years. Yeh, it's a great life. Thanks.

You didn’t say how you met her!

An old gf introduced us.

3DGuy4ever@reddit

Back in the day, we called it the classifieds.

Necessary_Quit_3542@reddit

I move to a new country every 1-2 years. I’ve never stayed in one country for more than two years. I plan to live in at least 15-20 more countries. Many people do envy me but most people wouldn't be able to do it.

Tigweg@reddit

What's the reason for that? Would you keep moving, even if you find somewhere, or someone, that you really loved?

You might think many people envy you, but you're probably wrong, the majority of us don't want to do that.

I'm ambivalent between sad and amused, that someone so young thinks they've got their whole life mapped out.

I have found an amazing place and know that I probably won’t find a better one. Yet, I prefer to keep traveling to explore this huge planet, learn new languages, discover other cultures, and meet people from different countries. It personally helps me with my depression. I think that people should be free to do whatever they want. Also, since I started traveling, I’ve realized that having a strong passport is a privilege, and I want to make full use of that privilege while I can.

Safe_Place8432@reddit

I am too old to learn how to adult in another country. I'm staying put until retirement

ellytic@reddit

It's completely normal to feel this way as an expat! Many people go through phases of questioning their lifestyle choices, especially after living in multiple countries. Here are a few thoughts that might resonate:

Embrace Your Journey: Each place you’ve lived has contributed to who you are. Instead of viewing it as a "curse," see it as a rich tapestry of experiences that shape your perspective.
Finding Balance: It’s okay to enjoy the adventure of moving while also seeking some stability. You might consider finding a base where you can return, allowing you to explore other places without the pressure of constantly relocating.
Community Connections: Building a community can help with feelings of rootlessness. Seek out local expat groups or interest clubs in your current location. This can provide a sense of belonging, even if you're not settled in one place permanently.
Reflect on Your Values: Take some time to think about what you truly want. Is it adventure, stability, or a mix of both? Understanding your values can help guide your decisions moving forward.
Explore New Avenues: If you're considering a change, think about what would keep your wanderlust alive while allowing for some roots. Maybe a long-term stay in one country with the flexibility to travel nearby?

Ultimately, there's no right or wrong way to live your life. Many expats feel the same way, and it’s all about finding what works for you.

Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with things like AFM registration and certified translations if you ever decide to settle down in Greece or need assistance with local bureaucracy. Happy to answer any questions!

gowithflow192@reddit

Stay put or go home. It seriously affects your ability to build a lasting base.

muscadon@reddit

After visiting 50+ countries in thirty years as a tourist, I retired ten years ago at age 50 and have since lived in multiple cities in four countries. Two years ago I moved to France and have lived in my current city for almost a year. I intend to stay put now that I'm almost 60 and this city fits my comfort level and feels like "home". I'm tired of moving around and I've already developed some good friendships here. Instead of uprooting and starting over AGAIN, I want to have a homebase and do some short-term vagabonding around France when I get the itch for a change of scenery. Plus, I'm getting too old to learn another language and figure out yet another country's bureaucracy to maintain my residency. I'm staying put for my golden years. It's time to write that book about my crazy adventures.

TabithaC20@reddit

What visa are you on in France? I'm just curious as we are looking to do the same but do not have EU passport.

VLS-TS...renewable each year. But im retired with pensions and can not work in France.

Here is a link you can use to determine what you need.

https://france-visas.gouv.fr/en/assistant-visa

Primary-Angle4008@reddit

I’m just in country 4 but I started out my life as expat baby. I settled the last 20 years, had my children and raised them almost into adulthood. They need a couple id more years to independence but then I’m off to country 5. Already doing the paperwork

SeanBourne@reddit

Kinda been wondering this at the back of my mind. I realized a couple of years ago the longest I’ve ever lived consecutively in one place was 9 years and change… back when I was a child. The longest in any one place as an adult was 8 years. I’m now over 6.5 years at my current location - which is a city I love (unlike the ‘8 year city’ which was one I disliked quite a bit) - and I’m conscious that I should start to put down roots… but boy has the wanderlust hit HARD in the last year or so. I began to wonder if there was “something wrong with me” as well… but another part of me also tells me that if I made the effort, I could stay here and build a life (or one of my previous places… instead of looking for the next horizon).

It’s been the source of a fair bit of ‘analysis-paralysis’ the last few months especially… but the ’steppe nomad horde’ mentality has the advantage lately…

Competitive-Leg-962@reddit

I'm not bouncing around aimlessly, I'm chasing the highest paying projects.

You make it sound like you either find a place where you belong, or you're a failure. There are plenty of people who benefit both mentally and financially from a lifestyle perpetually on the roll.

NotASpyJustExpat@reddit

What is "normal"? Who writes this rule book

Competitive-Papaya26@reddit

If you don't have a family, then probably yes?

DifferentWindow1436@reddit

I think you might like the digital nomad sub. I have read posts from people who have moved around a lot on this sub, but it is sort of a subset of expats.

I have had an international life for 25+ years, but have only ever life lived in the US and Japan, moving between the two several times. Most of my expat friends are similar or have moved to maybe a 3rd country for an opportunity and then settled down.

apc961@reddit

I'm in country #6, and will be going back to country #2 to retire next year. Bouncing around every 4 years or so no longer appeals to me. Also, the last 3 moves have been fully paid for by my employer, so I don't have much interest in paying out of pocket to move again.

bazaarjunk@reddit

I jumped around a lot because my job allowed me immense portability. I also have a limited attention span. It’s more likely just those expats who can’t sit still and were drawn to this lifestyle to begin with that are able to resonate with what you say. I was able to fire in 2020 and I’m bored AF. So I’ve kept traveling. But it doesn’t make me special. Just difficult to please. And that’s on me.

beginswithanx@reddit

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions here.

Firstly about the people on this sub. Not everyone moves from country to country. Many people move abroad for family or work, so they’re naturally more likely to settle in one place.

Secondly about staying in one place being “normal, boring life.” Staying in one place doesn’t necessarily make life boring or normal. Constantly moving doesn’t necessarily make life unusual or exciting. Make the life you want.

Exact-Newt4364@reddit

This!
Many people emigrate and become more grounded if anything else.

No-Caregiver8049@reddit

I enjoyed your humblebrag.

Sufficient-Job7098@reddit

Are we doomed to be homeless

Who are “we” ?

There are people here who moved abroad one time and settled permanently and there are people who keep moving from country to country.

Different people do whatever suits them.

withdrawalshot@reddit

Humans started as nomads, following their prey around.

Permanent settlements are relatively recent.

The brain is incentivized to seek novelty.

Now everyone says life or at least a big part of it (work) sucks.

Try r/digitalnomad.

Even there though, it’s strange for me to see people arguing (in a sense) that moving around is somehow the weird alternative to “normal” life.

I don’t know why’d you’d tie yourself down to a modern house. Cuz your wife said? Lmfao. But I digress.