ULPT request Stop porch theft. More info below

Posted by jwoody2727@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 78 comments

Someone stole a pack of cigarettes and a lighter off my porch yesterday while I was literally on the other side of the wall watching a show. Unfortunately I let my Ring camera sub expire so I didn’t get them on video.

I’m thinking of leaving a pack of cigarettes out with one cigarette in it but I want to put something in it to teach them a lesson.

I know you used to be able to buy “loads” you could stuff in the end to make it explode but they don’t sell those anymore.

Another thought was to empty some tobacco out and put something in to make them regret their life decisions.

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PissDisk@reddit

Get a little bit of asbestos and foreskin cheese and stick it in the cig

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MosYEETo@reddit

Asbestos is genius.

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PissDisk@reddit

What about the foreskin cheese?

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Icy-Community-8974@reddit

Put fentanyl in it.

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ohhellopia@reddit

Load it matchstick heads

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mister_nimbus@reddit

This is unethical, not illegal tips. In many places booby trapping like this is criminal behavior.

Do you really think putting someone's eye out is worth a pack of cigarettes?

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MosYEETo@reddit

What if I had it on my porch for my friend to pick up, and they were going to use them for some sort of experiment? It’s not my fault some lowlife decided to steal the package off of my porch. FAFO

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mister_nimbus@reddit

Good luck explaining that to a judge who absolutely will not believe you. There's a thin line between a harmless prank and a trap. The best way to protect yourself is to use something you purchased that is specifically labeled as a prank device.

Do you really think potential maiming/blinding someone for life is justice for stolen smokes? I'm not going to argue this with you dude. You'll learn what happens if you FAFO too.

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Diligent-Plane-7877@reddit

The item was stolen. What you do with your own belongings is no one else's business. Once it's stolen you are no longer culpable for it. At the point it was taken you are no longer in control of it. If someone steals a car that you know the fuel tank will explode if driven 3 miles. The fact that it was no longer yours to control and stolen you're not going away because a thief blew up in it

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mister_nimbus@reddit

Not true at all. You're obviously not a lawyer. Look up your local laws on booby trapping. You are absolutely liable.

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Any_Act_9433@reddit

Strike anywhere type

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Jeffinj420@reddit

Empty out about half of the cigarette. Load the matchstick heads or powder and then fill back with remaining tobacco. Nice surprise in the middle

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ViolenceIs4Assholes@reddit

Fire crackers. The black cars with the short fuse on the string.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

Wonder what some gunpowder would do.

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Dicktures@reddit

We used to take the individual fire crackers off of the “packs” and (yes this is time consuming but worth it) empty out a smoke and put it in, then fill the cig back up and give to people at parties. They get several drags in and boom

Probably lucky we didn’t injure anyone doing that

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gunsforevery1@reddit

If you can find black powder it’ll be better. Smokeless powder burns bright but slow.

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yukonnut@reddit

Stick a firecracker in a cigarette. Always hysterical

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ABayBaker@reddit

Popcorn kernals! Nasty and oily with that burnt taste. Definitely make you gag

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Any_Act_9433@reddit

Dear scent soak the filter for a few days

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holedingaline@reddit

Hair can be inserted alongside the tobacco. Push it so there's about 1/4 inch of clean tobacco on the end, so that the first big drag cooks the hair.

Human hair is too thin to push in, but boar's hair from a hairbrush is plenty rigid enough to do it.

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1dumbmonkey@reddit

Lady finger firecracker

Pull some tobacco out of the cigarette cut the wick short on the firecracker stuff it down about halfway pack the tobacco back in and leave it on the porch

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Burnandcount@reddit

Poke a lighter flint 1/3way into the end... sparkles & pops will follow without the risk of powders/firecrackers.

Drop extreme scoville score capsaicin extract into the filter.

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Time_outime@reddit

Put some weed in a cigarette. Get em fucked up.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

That’s a waste of good weed and they would probably be waiting for me to leave more out. Maybe stems and seeds.

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thiccglossytaco@reddit

Easy to source: lace a few cigs with black pepper mixed in the tobacco. As long as you don't go over board the smell won't be super noticable until it's lit.

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maslowk@reddit

I'd say salvia extract but IDK if it would get hot enough for them to get the full effect. Maybe if it's one of the really potent (like 60x) versions

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thiccglossytaco@reddit

I've done quite a bit of psychedelics and drugs in my younger days but when I tell you I only did salvia once 💀 Idk why it ever became popular when mushrooms are right there. If someone tells me they liked salvia I make a beeline in the opposite direction.

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drhelt@reddit

Lace with cayenne

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padmapadu@reddit

Take out some tobacco, put some hair in it & pack tobacco back in on top of it

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Sk1rm1sh@reddit

This one is pretty diabolical.

If you ever smelled burning hair: inhaling it is much, much worse.

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ZynthCode@reddit

Also, get rid of ring camera as they are snitching on you.

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Niniva73@reddit

Spies in the home that we pay monthly for? No thanks...

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Virtu_Sea@reddit

Load it with glitter and German roaches

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Mysterious_Cow_2100@reddit

What you’re gonna want to do is put some poison oak or ivy in that cig!

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ibcurbdiver@reddit

Slide a sewing needle into the filter just between the paper and filter. When the cig burns down it heats the needle, burning persons fingers or lip.

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LeaderOfFizzgigs@reddit

Get rid of Ring and get an eufy. No stupid subscriptions besides your home WiFi. You actually get to use the product you pay for without a perpetual monthly fee.

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Kelsenellenelvian@reddit

A camel hair... Trust me.

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Captainaviator@reddit

Carolina Reaper

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turbo11692@reddit

Get some of the spice(fake weed) liquid they dip letters in to send to prison…

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Smart-Host9436@reddit

Mix reaper powder with the tobacco.

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RunDre22@reddit

Maybe it was a squirrel

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

Those damn smoking squirrels stealing lighters and packs of cigarettes. Maybe I’ll put an exploding nut out.

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Aggravating_Act0417@reddit

Get wyze cam or similar with an sd card.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

I have Wyze cams but the one pointing towards my gate was too far away and it was dark.

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YouArentReallyThere@reddit

Get a Wyze cam.

Empty a few cigarettes out, put a little dried dog shit into the tobacco, mix it up and reload them.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

Wyze cam unfortunately didn’t pick them up when they opened the gate. Might buy another one to move closer to the entryway.

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Aggravating_Act0417@reddit

Is it ring or is it wyze?

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

I have both. Ring doorbell and multiple Wyze cams.

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viral-architect@reddit

If we're leaving the cigs, we can get more creative than that.

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FightClubAlumni@reddit

I was going to say Cayenne pepper.

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xp10xp10@reddit

https://youtu.be/HTTSLXwIjiQ?si=THahWSoa6T0-MPg-

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flearhcp97@reddit

wait, you can get cigarettes delivered?!

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Undrwtrbsktwvr@reddit

Yes. Gopuff.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

No, I have a table and a couple rocking chairs on my porch. They were sitting on the table.

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flearhcp97@reddit

ah, gotcha, sorry

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figgypie@reddit

Empty pack with a stink bomb inside, so when they open it BAM! JUSTICE STANK. I'd avoid a glitter bomb because it's horrible for the environment.

I don't smoke anymore but I'd be fucking pissed if I was you. Cigs are even more expensive now than when I used to smoke!

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DougieSloBone@reddit

Put a horsehair into it and they'll be physically ill, like puking their guts out after the first drag

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RopeReasonable1334@reddit

Put some liquid ass fart spray on the filter and watch them try and untaste that

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

I feel like they would smell it before they lit it but I like the idea.

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RopeReasonable1334@reddit

Even if the smell it, i feel like a them trying to reason with why a Smoke smells that terrible would live rent free in their head a while. OR cover the wrapper in the spray so they get it on their hands..... It does not wash off easy (dont ask how i know) and now they gotta spend some time with a shit smelling hand

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YouArentReallyThere@reddit

Some ground-up fingernail clippings…omg. That would smell so fucking bad once the fire hit it. It’d be stuck in their nose for days.

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No_Week_8937@reddit

Hair would also work,hair smells awful when burnt.

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JupiterSkyFalls@reddit

Spray it them freeze them. Keep them chilled until you set them out.

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Tikimom@reddit

One must pay a subscription for ring camera? Wow! We have cameras on all four sides of our house to watch the bunnies, squirrels, turkeys, opossums, foxes, coyotes, and whatever I missed with no fees other than purchase. Yeah, no peoply shit were we live.

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CanoePickLocks@reddit

https://www.blackmarketfireworks.com/product/cigarette-loads/

https://magicparlor.com/product/exploding-cigarette-loads/

https://www.amazon.com/Classic-Stink-Cigarette-Loads-Prank/dp/B008M79572

2 that bang and one that stinks. I’m shopping US at the moment because it’s nearly 50% chance you’re there if those don’t work try searching cigarette loads, cigarette pranks, and possibly cigarette fireworks.

As a pro tip get a sailmakers needle (large and blunt) push it down to about 50-75% of the cigarette left. Let them light it and get comfortable. Get a few drags in then bang or gag as your tastes determine. Add both. Put the stink one slightly less into the cigarette than the bang so they enjoy it get a weird stink but try again then bang. LMAO have fun!

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

Thank you for the links! Second one is sold out but I can get them from the first link.

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BikeCookie@reddit

Put some stinky dog turd in the middle.

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EmperorGeek@reddit

Take a pack of cigarettes, remove the tobacco end and glue all the filtered ends together and pad it out so it looks like a full pack. Attach a note inside asking them if they waved at the Ring Camera. (Renew your subscription to the service first!)

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

Thing worse than lighting the filter end on accident! Renewed the Ring subscription immediately after it happened.

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ss_BoxCarRacer@reddit

Land mine and or claymore

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FlipMyWigBaby@reddit

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FlipMyWigBaby@reddit

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Maniachanical@reddit

Mark Rober glitter bomb. Or a real one. Up to you.

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JTMoney336@reddit

We had a guy that would come by to hang out with us sometimes who would smoke some of our cigarettes without asking. One day we rolled the tobacco out of one, inserted a firecracker and packed the tobacco back in. When the guy came over, we made a store run and left him there with that one cigarette sitting on the coffee table. When we came back the cigarette was gone. We all had a good laugh together but we didnt get to see the fireworks.

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jwoody2727@reddit (OP)

I actually found some on eBay but who knows if they still work.