Aging parent abroad, difficult situation with siblings - what are realistic options?
Posted by simmiiee@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 26 comments
I’m feeling pretty stuck and honestly overwhelmed, so looking for advice from anyone who’s dealt with aging parents + complicated family dynamics.
I’m an expat. Middle child of a single parent.
My younger brother lives in the same country as me
My older sister lives in the same city as my dad.
My dad is in his mid-70s and… very difficult to deal with. He’s a hoarder, extremely private, and never really let any of us into his home (out of shame, but he also refuses any cleaning help). He’s also very stubborn - no maid, no food delivery, won’t accept outside help, and is very frugal to the point of eating poorly even though he’s financially well off.
His health is declining now. He has trouble walking, loses balance, and it feels like it’s only a matter of time before he really needs support.
Complicating things:
My sister doesn’t want to take responsibility for his care. To be fair, he hasn’t treated her well growing up, and I understand there’s history there. But right now she’s basically saying one of us needs to uproot our lives and move back.
I’ve offered to financially support solutions (bigger place to live, separate floors, nurse, maid, etc.) but she doesn’t even want to manage that.
My dad refuses to move closer to her, refuses help, and also refuses to move to my country (I’ve been trying for 6 years).
My brother just got married and is tied to immigration constraints, so he can’t relocate right now.
My husband has a licensed profession here, and it wouldn’t really translate back home - so moving isn’t a practical option for us either.
The hardest part: my dad doesn’t even ask for help. and is operating with an understanding that my sister will do what she can, which is clearly not going to be enough. Since he tripped a couple months ago, she is managing food for him.
I feel this constant guilt that we’re going to fail him when he needs us most, but also… every possible solution seems blocked by either logistics, his refusal, or family dynamics.
What are realistic options in a situation like this?
1. How do you handle a parent who refuses help but clearly needs it?
2. Is it unreasonable to expect my sister to take on more since she’s physically there?
3. Has anyone dealt with long-distance caregiving in a situation like this?
4. At what point do you accept that you can’t “fix” it?
I’m open to practical, emotional, or even hard-truth advice at this point.
This whole thing is tearing me apart to the point of not being functional on most days.
purplelisbon@reddit
Similar situation but as an only child, I had to put my mom into a nursing home. I felt tremendous guilt but I was worried she would hurt herself. She fought it at first but eventually adjusted. She’s gone now but in hindsight I still feel it was the right decision. I carried my mom on shoulders from abroad for many years and I visited her at least twice a year.
WideNeighborhood8167@reddit
Just send them money and do what you can, don't stress
Misty-knight200@reddit
Your sister can't force one of you to move back
LiveTheDream2026@reddit
You are expecting too much of your sister, but not enough from you.
What do you do? Hire someone to help him, whether it is to cook, take groceries, do laundry, take him to appointments etc.
There is nothing worse than an expat using the excuse of distance as a reason for not being able to help. Instead of I can't ask what CAN I do.
simmiiee@reddit (OP)
I would have been doing it if he would let me. He never allowed us to hire anyone. Not even to get the house cleaned in my own presence. I am going to be visiting again and hoping he will let me hire someone to do it and if not at-least let me do it myself. He has been extremely rigid on not getting any external help/maid/someone to take care of.
Won’t let us get food delivery either. He had been going himself to get food until he lost balance and had a bad fall with a lot of bleeding and ended up getting stitches.
The only thing he has accepted since is my sister sending him food. He has not even accepted food deliveries from restaurants/tiffin services even.
LiveTheDream2026@reddit
You CAN use apps to take him food deliveries from restaurants and grocery stores. Even if he doesn't want it, you CAN still do it. You using the excuse of he does not want it is not goo enough for me.
depressioncherry16@reddit
Maybe you could hire someone to help him with daily life? And three sibling could pay the equal half. That sounds like the easiest solution to me.
Revolutionary_Oil614@reddit
Your dad and sister are adults, and caring for him isn't her job any more than living abroad is an excuse for you not to. Your father is not without resources. Have her verify he's alive periodically at least, offer to connect him with people who can help him, and if/when he is legally incapacitated, have him moved to assisted living against his will and hire a company to clean out the house.
I do not say this out of any kind of lack of understanding or sympathy. I have seen families permanently torn apart over situations like this, and my family is currently dealing with something similar. You can not force him to accept help until he is legally incapacitated. Sending money isn't the same as the day-to-day physical and emotional labor of caring for an aging parent you already have a strained relationship with.
Figure out your boundaries with both your father and your siblings, figure out what you are willing and able to do under what circumstances, and communicate those things to everyone before it becomes an emergency.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
You accept this before moving around, and before all of this things start happening.
If you make plans knowing you are placing yourself in situation where there is high probability of such problems and if known that you will not be comfortable with subpar “fixes”, then it is better to decide against immigration.
When I was planning to move, I know that many people aren’t moving abroad because they aren’t comfortable with leaving parents who eventually get old and may require care.
I thought about this too even though I was in my mid 20 and my parents were healthy 50 years old. I did my best to figure out some sort of long term strategy/arraignment. It wasn’t very good but I accepted that I am ok with this.
That was 25 years ago and as you can guess many things did happen… and will continue to happen.
jimson_weed_tea@reddit
idreamofchickpea@reddit
Try r/agingparents, lots of people dealing with similar. My own opinion: stop asking the sister to do more. Mistreating your children means that they won’t want to care for you when you’re sick. It really is that simple. It sounds like he will be likewise “difficult” to paid caregivers, especially since he doesn’t want any, so your only options are to go take care of him yourself or take him at his word and wait for him to ask for help. I would normally suggest the latter, but if it’s causing you such distress that you can barely function, I’d consider the former. For practical reasons, your husband would need to stay behind.
Humble_Interest_9048@reddit
I understand your concern and frustration and gently wonder if it would help to consider how it would feel if your dad had been trying to get you to do something you didn’t want to do for six years? Also, do you want to uproot your life to be closer to him? I mean, is that a realistic option?
A friend’s mother would not accept help and didn’t until she fell and the hospital wouldn’t let her go back to living on her own. She was 94! and went to live on in a care home for another two years. Her only child lived 15 hours away.
After my dad’s wife died, he made me PoA upon death because he realized it was a royal PiA without it. He’s 85, living on his own half a world away. We’ve talked about assisted living if and when the time comes but he’s fiercely independent and doing his best not to live in a “home.” I’m his only child and sometimes get carried away wondering about the how and what, and especially dealing with all the stuff a lie accumulates. There are companies that can help with that. Research those and some care homes in your father’s town to ease your mind a bit.
Individual_Plan_2625@reddit
That’s a really grounded perspective, and it’s probably worth focusing less on perfect solutions and more on what actually keeps both of you supported and at peace in the long run.
NoMansCat@reddit
That topic teaches us about life choices when we grow older.
When my dad died, my mom started progressively to lose it.
I proposed her to come and live close by me. We were living 250 kilometers apart, but she said, no, I will miss my flat and all the memories I have with your father...
I said, well, okay.
Then a few years later, she asked me if maybe she could rent a place near me, but it was already too late.
She has lost most of her autonomy and was placed in a care facility.
She started to complain she was alone and sad and nobody visiting her.
I was living as I said 250 kilometers apart, which is considered kind of a lot in Europe, and I didn't drive at the time.
But I did my best to find a solution, and with the help of my ex-husband (we were already divorced so that was very nice from him) found a place for her in a care facility close to us.
Again, she didn't want to move this time because she said she was having a room of her own and she didn't want to have to share a room for one month in the new place.
There was nothing I could do, so she died alone and far from everyone.
On the opposite, when I was young, one of my friends had his grandparents living in New York.
They had been living there together for 40 years, and when the grandmother died, he was 90.
His grandson told him 'come to live with us'.
The granddad said, okay, and one month later, he arrived in Europe and started to learn the local language.
He still lived three years.
Even when we get old (and we all will) we still get choices to make.
Dependent_Garlic_727@reddit
This was very enlightening to read.
NoMansCat@reddit
Ty :)
Consistent-Barber428@reddit
I was in precisely this situation. My father died in 2001 and my mother lived another 21 years. For that entire time we asked my mother to move near us or to live with us. She refused.
When I was 60, I decided that to assure my own financial wellbeing in retirement , I needed to move to a cheaper place and as my wife is European, we chose Spain. We asked my mother to join us. She refused. I had a sister that lived nearby, but she was of little help.
I moved anyway. Why? Because although I loved my mother, I also had an obligation to myself and my wife that I would fail at if I didn’t leave. My mother could have joined us, but she too was an adult and made her own decisions. That’s all to say, your first obligation is to yourself. The particulars of your dad’s live are his, and while the situation is emotionally complicated and painful, that doesn’t mean you are in the wrong for living your life.
I saw my mother every six months, and every three during the last year of her life. Her last words to me were, “ I know you are a good man and a good son. Take care of (my wife) and keep it up.”
We both did the best we could given how we wanted, or needed, to live our lives. That’s the best you can hope for.
NoMansCat@reddit
This is at the same time a bit sad and still heart warming.
You were a good son in respecting your mother's desires and still visiting her regularly.
She was a great mom in reassuring you of her love.
Consistent-Barber428@reddit
Thnaks. Yes, life is indeed sad at times.
Logical-Comment-9621@reddit
Honestly, I think one of the hardest things about situations like this is realising that logistics are only half the problem. The emotional history matters just as much.
Your sister being physically closest does not automatically make her morally responsible for carrying the entire burden, especially if the relationship with your father was difficult growing up. Proximity and obligation are not always the same thing.
At the same time, your father still has agency. If someone refuses every form of help, refuses relocation, refuses outside care, and refuses compromise, there is a limit to what adult children can realistically “solve” from abroad. That’s painful to accept, but important.
In practical terms, the best long-distance caregiving setups I’ve seen usually involve:
And honestly, hoarding complicates everything because it often comes with shame, control issues, and resistance to outsiders.
I don’t think you’re failing him. From what you wrote, it sounds like you’ve already spent years trying to create workable solutions. Sometimes the painful reality is that aging parents can still reject help even when the need is obvious.
That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re dealing with another adult human being who still has the right to make difficult choices, even self-destructive ones.
Vladimir_Putting@reddit
I think people in these situations are always looking for the good solution but the reality is, there isn't one.
You might never have a breakthrough with your Dad. You will never have perfect balance between siblings taking care of an aging parent. You will never be able to both travel and be home.
Sometimes there are only bad options. They all suck. Yeah, some are bad in different ways and sure you can measure one being worse than another.
But the real thing you have to decide is which choice are you going to live with. Which one will produce the least regret and result in you feeling good about you handled a situation with no bad options.
Because life creates these no win situations, but you still have to choose.
The one you will look bad on and say "I truthfully, honestly did my best there."
What do you want to live with?
Competitive-Leg-962@reddit
Impossible-Snow5202@reddit
Your sister should stand her ground.
You should call whatever the social support services for elders is called in your father's country and city, and ask what support is available for an aging hoarder who is putting himself and his neighbors at risk.
NoMansCat@reddit
There is nothing you can do.
Apart from calling the social services that won't be able to do anything if he is deemed sound of mind.
Your sister doesn't have to sacrifice her life to care for him, she wouldn't be able to help him though.
Try keeping in touch with him through Whatsapp and the like.
Sometimes the only option is live and let die.
Srry if I sound harsh, this is not my intention.
beginswithanx@reddit
We’ve been through this situation, but with everyone actually in the same country (just far away, the US is big!).
Since dad was an adult there was really nothing we could do to make him get care. We called adult protective services on him several times, but there was nothing they could do and he wasn’t considered mentally incompetent (though he was making terrible choices about his health and safety). Adults are allowed to make bad decisions for themselves.
It is unreasonable to expect your sister to step up just because she lives close by. This often happens to the local sibling, and it sucks. Especially if the parent and sibling have a difficult relationship. Your sister can decide what she’s willing to live with in terms of what happens with her dad. You get to make that decision too, but you can’t make it for her.
We tried adult protective services, social workers, having neighbors talk to him, offer to help him find a home, etc. He refused (and was very insulting and mean about everything) for years. After trying to get some sort of medical or legal guardianship and not being able to, we eventually gave up. Dad continued to make terrible health choices. Eventually he was hospitalized, and I hate to say it, but he deteriorated pretty quickly then.
Puni1977@reddit
Honestly, I think you’re carrying guilt for a situation that was never fully within your control to begin with. Your dad is still an adult making choices, even if they’re bad ones. And from what you wrote, he’s spent years refusing basically every reasonable compromise so at some point there’s only so much other people, or even close relatives can do. I also don’t think it’s fair to automatically expect your sister to become the default caregiver just because she lives nearby. Especially if their relationship/history is complicated. Being geographically closest doesn’t mean someone has to sacrifice their entire life. And realistically none of you sound unwilling, just stuck so that is not the same thing as abandoning him. A hard thing a lot of people learn with aging parents is that sometimes the crisis has to happen before anything changes. A bad fall, hospitalization, rehab stay, social worker involvement, etc. A lot of stubborn elderly parents only accept help once reality forces it (mine were the same). You can prepare for that without destroying yourself in the meantime what i did is: researched services and options now fr later stage, talk about POA/legal stuff if possible (so you know where to go - one of my ageing parents was dementive), coordinate financially (discuss with your siblings how this can be done, how much contribution if at all will be needed and from who and who will coordinate it) and keep offering options without expecting him to suddenly become reasonable. Unforunately, you probably cannot solve this for a person who rejects solutions. For me (an immigrant as i never returned) , we carry a special kind of guilt with aging parents because there’s always this feeling that if you just sacrificed more you could fix it. Sometimes there genuinely is no clean solution. It is always harder when remote but at the end try not to feel (too) gulity if you offer help you can but it is not accepted.