Estranged from parents
Posted by Fine_Violinist5802@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 89 comments
We have all been alive long enough to have had a life. For some it may have come early, for others later... the hard stop comes and you are estranged from your parents. You know it shouldn't be this way and it resonates when people have lost parents and say "make every second count" - but it still happens.
Was there a light at the end of the tunnel? What happened? Did it resolve?
DustedGorilla82@reddit
Imagine if therapy was acceptable 40 years ago. The world might be a different place
MTN-roamer0987@reddit
Amen. My poor father went through was committed and went through electroshock therapy in the 60s. Today, it’s very clear he’s just Autistic and maybe has ADHD too. He never trusted therapy or psychologists again.
TheBigBangClock@reddit
I've gone through periods of my life where I went no-contact with my mother. It's been difficult for me to accept that she is a covert narcissist who is never going to change. I've started to come to peace with that's just how it's going to be and I can choose when I want to allow her into my life.
Same thing with my sister. She's in her 40's now and is one of those people who loves to create drama and is a general trainwreck. She'll take several big trips to Europe every year and then ask my parents for financial help. She rarely admits fault for anything she does to other people and has a huge entitlement problem. I can't relate to her at all and it's pushed me to the point that I haven't talked to her in nearly two years and I don't want anything to do with her anymore.
AntisocialFlutterby3@reddit
Similar family dynamics over here. It's exhausting. Sending hugs your way.
viridiansoul@reddit
My mother I'm no contact with for almost 15 years now, and it's been the best thing for my mental health, and I definitely had to protect my son from her. He's now 20 and has no interest in trying to have a relationship with her, which I'm grateful for.
My mother abandoned us when I was 5, my sister just 4. My half sister from a different dad couldn't even walk yet when my mother bailed on her.
She considers binge drinking, smoking pot, and doing coke to be more important than any of her kids. Now that she's in her 60s? Same exact behavior. She never grew up. She's absolutely toxic and I want nothing to do with her, ever.
Fortunately I live 1200 miles from her, so staying no contact is easy.
My dad's a different story. When my mom left, he stepped up and raised two little girls, alone. He made mistakes (still does because who doesn't?), but I respect him. We don't talk often because hes a JW (sadly, still) and they really like to pressure the members to disassociate from anyone who isn't a cult member with them.
But I know that if I needed him, my dad would hop a plane or start driving from Connecticut to Florida tomorrow.
Sarah_Femme@reddit
I've grey-rocked my mom so hard we don't even talk anymore. I know a part of me is gonna feel terrible when she passes, but my mental health means to much to me to let her negativity get to me anymore.
Further, I've grown enough to realize she is not evil, but the bad things that happened to her left someone who wasn't able to grow past them despite her genuinely trying. We just don't have anything in common anymore, and I know that while she loves me in her own way, she also doesn't like me and never has.
Therapy has helped, but it will probably always sting to see her and my SIL getting on like a housefire when she and I can barely stand to talk to each other.
picollo7@reddit
Honestly you may not feel bad at all. My dad died, he was an asshole. My only regret was not telling him off as much as I wanted to, but oh well, life is full of missed opportunities.
GitPushItRealGood@reddit
I feel you. I’m there too. Sending hugs.
Reasonable-Wave8093@reddit
💙💙💙
picollo7@reddit
Yeah dude, fuck em. They're boomers. Objectively the worst generation. No contact ftw!
sed2017@reddit
I’m estranged from my mom for about a year now. Talking to her would give me so much anxiety and she wouldn’t make me feel good when I would have contact. I stopped talking to her last June and she hasn’t reached out since then and I’m feeling better as the days go on.
HechicerosOrb@reddit
My mom’s nuts and awful, so after a lifetime of troubles I cut off all contact for a time, years, pretty recently. However, eventually she wound up very sick and she had no one else, really. I couldn’t just sit it out, I felt like that would be letting myself down.
When we finally reunited I confronted her about the specific event that caused the rift and, to my surprise, she basically had no clue what I was talking about / didn’t seem capable of a real understanding. She said she was sorry and didn’t want to “be bad” but it was clear I was talking to myself.
Then it kind of clicked: I was hoping for an apology that would never come. So now we have a completely superficial threadbare relationship now, but at least I have peace of mind about what to expect from our relationship. It’s helped take the emotional edge off a bit
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
They never seem to have a clue when it comes to how they damaged us. They always say they did the best they could. Maybe that's how they avoid regrets.
throwawayhbgtop81@reddit
Me and my dad are estranged. He wasn't a particularly good dad. I'm self aware enough to know our personalities are similar so it's a big reason I never became a parent too.
AlertBlueberry2612@reddit
Mourning someone who is still alive is so fucked. I was a Daddy's girl. I tried so hard to have a relationship with him despite his mental and emotional abuse. I was the last kid out of three who hadn't cut him out completely. Then, one day, he calls me a whore because I left my abusive ex-husband. He said I reminded him of my Mom, who left him for the same reason. I knew at that point he was a lost cause. This was 5 or so years ago.
He doesn't even miss me. He made best friends with my ex and has access to my daughter. He has what he needs.
Inside my heart there's a little girl who mourns her Dad. At least, his potential. I mourn what he could have been. I mourn the years i put into trying to forgive his shadows. I moutn what i could have had. Having a Dad wasn't in my cards. I will always mourn the fact I never had a good Dad, but the light at the end of the tunnel is knowing someday he'll die.
DCpurpleTart33@reddit
Hi I'd like to write a book on this. seriously.
This is SO HARD. My fiance lost both his parents in the last 5 years to some really cruel diseases. He had a decent relationship with his mom and a horrible one with his dad. He STILL tells me every day that I need to reach out to my dad... to nurture the relationship with my mom.... that "every second counts". NO THEY DONT.
Sometimes the estrangement is the only thing keeping us sane. Sometimes the person is so toxic that your life is better without them in it. I feel that way about my father. I think he would feel that way about his own father if he were still alive. It's the fact that they're dead.
Them being dead doesn't change the hurt that they've caused and the hate they exude. I am a better person and partner because my father isn't in my life.
Im just a HUGE believer in blood is NOT thicker than water. I would do anything for my chosen family. My real family? It depends on the day. I think a lot of xennials feel the same
No-Relation4226@reddit
Yup, my husband’s father passed years before we met. My own father was slipping into this weird, fake victim mindset but my stepmom was able to keep some of his worst impulses in check. Well, stepmom died and thus the gun-toting, racist, sexist, lying drivel was on full display. I didn’t want to have to counter all the mean and ignorant shit he’d say in front of my kid. But then he’d only interact with my kid when it made him look good to be “grandpa.” My husband didn’t fully agree with my teary pronouncement that I couldn’t deal with my father any longer. He didn’t want our kid to have no grandfather at all. But he knew it was ultimately my decision. He said that if I don’t speak to my father again that it’ll hurt so much more when he eventually dies and there would be no chance of reconciliation. I’m more concerned that whatever state he dies in will come after me and my siblings for filial responsibility (none of us speak to him).
I do feel for my husband that he didn’t get to share in the moment that he became a father to a son with his own dad. But my father wasn’t exactly a sterling stand-in for that role, either.
MissAngryBanana@reddit
My situation was slightly different. My parents died when I was 15. I was sent to live with my brother. He mentally, verbally and physically abused me for 4 years. When I was 19 and had squirrelled away enough money, I moved far away. I have paid tens of thousands of dollars trying to repair my mental health. He wants to talk to me. I refuse. I don’t believe in forgiveness to obtain peace for myself. I believe in my own strength and determination to live my life the way I want.
dinosandbees@reddit
22 years no contact. Conceptually, it sucks that I don't have parents -- but then, I never really had parents I liked or could ever count on, or who supported me in the ways I needed. I have no desire to "reconcile," because I know it's not coming, and wouldn't give me anything I needed anyways. It hasn't always been easy, but it's always been better not to have them in my life. It'll be interesting to see what happens when either/both passes, but expectations are low.
Ok-Zucchini-5514@reddit
I feel the exact same. 17 years for me and it wasn’t easy. Sometimes when I think I miss them I realize it’s more that I just miss the idea of having a family in general. It hits hardest around the holidays when I watch movies where everyone is together and they look so happy. Then I remember that it wasn’t and never will be that way at home. I often wonder if either of them will call when the other dies. I’m not even sure what I’d do if they did.
onions-make-me-cry@reddit
Oh honey. I will never speak to my parent again after how much they weren't there for me... During lung cancer
Some things you can't come back from, and that's one of them. I just feel absolutely nothing for them in regards to the pieces of shit they are.
bunzburnerrr@reddit
Anyone reading, please check out Patrick Teahan on YT. He's a therapist who has tons of excelkent material (and role plays) on estrangement, low- or no-contact, grief around it, navigating it. It's helped me tremendously.
roonilwonwonweasly@reddit
I haven't spoken to my "mother" in over 10 years and my life has been nice and quiet since. She was not going to do to my kid what she did to me. Same with my siblings.
nochumplovesucka__@reddit
I made a post about this. I havent talked to my mom since my dad passed away in 2019. He was the only reason I went around anymore since leaving home.
My mom plays head games, was very mentally abusive and manipulative. I tried to make my peace with her, but she kept on doing the same shit well into my adult life. Amd to make matters worse, she was doing the same things with my kids when they would go to visit.
I feel bad about it sometimes, but then I stop and think about the years of bullshit I dealt with. I am over it. I am nearly 50 years old and I dont have to deal with the shit anymore.
Rubik842@reddit
At that age they aren't going to change,mall you can do is limit their opportunities.
bikeonychus@reddit
Things came to a head with my parents last year after they stepped on every single boundary I have had.
The last straw was when we came to visit (we live abroad), and I told them I did not want the pedo uncle who molested me anywhere near my daughter, and they invited him around anyway saying 'he's old, he's harmless, he's got prostate cancer', and also invited my cousin round at the same time so I couldn't scream at them till he left. The pedo was a goddamn policeman too. Anyway, they effectively trapped us there, unable to leave as we didn't even have a hire car.
Rubik842@reddit
No hire car, but that uncle would leave in an ambulance permanently maimed or worse. A few years away would be worth it.
I'm so sorry they did that to you.
Reasonable-Wave8093@reddit
oh hell no
Rubik842@reddit
I visit occasionally, hasn't seen his grandkids in 15+ years. He's still racist and belligerent and hasn't apologised or reflected on his actions when he was shouting at some brown kids walking on the other side of the road and throwing stuff at then.
He had some horrific experiences as a youth, but if you can't keep a lid on it and control your behaviour in front of your own grand kids for a few hours, it's not safe for them to be around you.
They are now old enough to understand, but there's no relationship there. I feel guilty for making that decision. They have three other grandparents. He doesn't ever know what they look like, there's no photos online.
Blackbird136@reddit
Low contact with my dad, my choice. Maintaining my sanity.
However, I’m estranged from an aunt and a cousin (her adult son) for going on a decade, and it hurts me every day.
Classy_Hobo@reddit
Reading through all of these is wild. Did any of use have genuinely good parents? Or even like, acceptable? I feel like my parents fall somewhere in between a lot of the stories here. They’re not outright terrible people, but definitely had and have their share of maturity/narcissism issues. I keep infrequent contact with them, but it’s very surface level.
nickd1980@reddit
For the most part it is good but whenever my mother gets mad at me and says to "start thinking about moving out" that's when I think of the no contact with me. I have my problems (learning disability, got 2 college degrees but no job, thought I have a nice cushy white collar systems/business analyst position, no actual past gf or current gf and etc).
My father is more chill and relax. I get mad too and have a short temper that I get from the both of them.
ih4teme@reddit
It’s been hard ignoring my family but it’s better for me. I do think about it a lot. Whenever the thought comes up I usually validate my position and move on. It can be quite sad when I see situations and get jealous.
I always felt unloved and sabotage to ensure I never forget the feeling.
CrayonData@reddit
I went no contact with my dad for a year and a half. He was spending money left, right, and center, but never had any money to put into his home rentals. I had mice living in my kitchen, walls, and ceiling (basement ground unit) for at least 6 months. Never stopped by to look at how they were getting in (plenty of spots to enter).
I cut contact with him, Thanksgiving weekend the following year hes in the ER and about to be flown out to the bigger metro hospital to have brain surgery to remove the squash/racquet ball tumor from his head.
Im on low contact with my mom.
Haven't met my in-laws, that's my wife's story to tell.
Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit
Dad's got Alzheimers. I call as often as I can, but live 4500km away. It's not going to get better.
My other parent is abusive and we've not had a relationship since they kicked me out at 11 years of age. The best thing they can do for me at this point is never talk to me again. Unfortunately they're not capable of even that much respect or self control, so I have to be concious of any family events and escape routes.
On to the next generation, I managed to have a kid with someone who is bound and determined to pass on generational trauma. They're grooming our kid to routinely have conflict with me. Getting them to refuse access, and demand I do things to appease that parent. (Making me jump through hoops to have them "allow" our kid to see me and their sibling.)
MicraMachina@reddit
My mom died when I was 14 from cancer. My father was an alcoholic, and I broke contact with him when I was 20. He died from the disease seven years after that, without us ever reconnecting. While I wish things could have been different, he never got his shit sorted out enough for me to feel emotionally safe with him. I would do the same again in a heartbeat, but maybe sooner, and definitely with better mental health support.
nickd1980@reddit
I had a spat this past weekend with my mother over my sister's bf. First I don't like the guy. He treated to dinner (okay fine) but I didn't know he treated and I didn't thank him and then my sister forced me to thank him afterwards. Afterwards my mother lectured me about this again. A few seconds later she suggested for me to move out. All I thought about when she suggested "If I could I would but don't talk to me again, don't contact me, don't message me and I didn't asked to be born" and I would pick up and move across country to Texas. I would do the same thing my cousin does to his mom (my blood related aunt). He doesn't like my father side of my family besides me.
OutOfEffs@reddit
My mother died at the beginning of this year after almost 20 years of varying degrees of low/no contact on my part.
It did not get easier. My kids only really knew her as a bitter and mean woman. She knew she was dying for at least a year and a half before it happened, but decided that I didn't need to know and I'm pretty sure it was bc she didn't want to have the hard conversations with me that I'd been pushing for my entire adult life. And now she never has to.
Idk why I've spent the last five months checking for a goodbye letter in the mail of some sort.
Texas_Kimchi@reddit
Be estranged from my dad most my life. He tried dabbling in being around a few times but could never commit. Sad thing is me and my mom were dirt poor, living in her car, barely able to survive, and he had a beach house with a Ferrari. His new wife reconnected with me because she thought I should know I have a brother and sister. I went and hung out with the family and everyone was so happy to see me. He ghosted me again. Hope a piano falls on him.
Oh left out another part. I was going through cancer treatment and he came and visited me in the hospital. Not to see how I was doing, but to ask what was wrong because my grandmother had a mysterious illness and they were thinking it was genetic. Turned out she also had cancer.
Eazy12345678@reddit
just be better parents then them.
cagethehornytoad@reddit
I’m very sorry- this is a club to which nobody wants to belong but many do. My mother and I are estranged and will always be. I cut her out for 6 years, and then one night after a couple of drinks I foolishly reached out in an attempt to reconcile. She’d never had a relationship with my two children, and they asked about my family a lot, so I took them back to my hometown to visit and immediately remembered why I’d cut her out initially.
My mother will never change. My father was a black man born into extreme poverty in 1940, so you can imagine he had a horrendous life. He has been gone since ‘99, in my life only intermittently, and about a year before he died he made sure to send me a really nasty letter, disowning me (the stamp he used was from Amnesty Intl., or some other such altruistic organization, which in retrospect, makes me chuckle). He had several children by several women- all of whom my father abused- so even though I “have siblings”, we’ve never had a relationship- too much pain.
On bad days I revel in self-pity, wondering what I did to deserve no family, but the fact is that shitty people also procreate, and often they’re attracted to each other, so it’s more mathematics and fate than God’s way of punishing me or whatever. Nowadays I’m just grateful that I have myself. Im strong, self-reliant, and trust my gut. I mean, when the very people who were supposed to raise and guide you through the world turn out to be untrustworthy, you can only fly or die.
OP, I’m really sorry. Most days are ok but this never entirely goes away.. Holidays are tough, as is hanging out with close and healthy families- it makes me feel like an alien. I even have hidden apprehensions about ever remarrying, due to the embarrassment of “my side of the church being nearly empty”- probably why I just went to the courthouse the first time. Everyone always talks about choosing your own family and while that’s true, it’s never really the same.
I try and remind myself that I’m not broken, just born into a World incapable of caring for my parents, which rendered them incapable of taking care of me.
bcentsale@reddit
The estrangement IS the light for some of us. If you can look back and say that you tried your hardest, that you gave things every effort and opportunity to get better, and it didn't, and your life in general is less stressful and less anxiety, and you're able to be present for the people still in your life, that should be what matters. You don't need to feel guilty about taking care of you, or, if you do, and some of us definitely do, it helps be able to at least consider things rationally in those moments.
NightBloomingAuthor@reddit
To piggyback on this if you've never read the absolutely insane breakdown of estranged parent forums: https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/
It's worth reading through this (the Missing Missing Reasons is the section I see most often posted), and the reality is that some parents are incapable of getting past their own emotional defenses to sincerely process what problems exist and how to change long term for a meaningful reconciliation.
For many of us, the writing has been on the wall for decades, and this article was the permission I needed to accept she won't change, and that I can stop hurting myself by trying to figure out a problem only she can solve.
purpleskyblues@reddit
When I stopped trying to fix things, contact stopped.
The most fucked up thing for me is the little twinge of jealousy I get when people talk about how their family member still sends gifts and cards and emails and so on when my mother never cared enough to do that.
purpleskyblues@reddit
Ive been estranged from my family my entire adult life.
The best thing I read was that no animal wants to bite their own leg off so they can live- and no child wants to cut their family off.
tsrubrats@reddit
These comments are exactly what I needed to see after Mother’s Day weekend. The holidays always amplify the frustration and guilt that come with estrangement. Thank you all
GreyStormOfLight@reddit
I went no contact with one parent 10 years ago and with the other parent 4 years ago. I have completely detached from one parent entirely. I feel no connection with them at all and never intend to see them again. The other one I might consider reestablishing low contact with maybe 15 years down the road. I can forgive everything they’ve done in the past. What I cannot do is continue to expose myself to the same behavior that caused me to develop PTSD from my childhood. They have given no indication that they think their behavior needs to change. So I guess that’s that. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Worth-Mistake-9673@reddit
Echoing those stating that estrangement is the light. I finally feel like the critical voices in my head are getting quieter, but at this point I'm not sure I'll ever really get over how I was treated by my entire family. My self-worth is still low despite everything I've done to better myself and my life. At my core I still believe I'm a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve love. I'll add the siblings can also complicit in this dynamic so I finally just cut everyone off completely last year. This is directly because of the way I was treated not only in my childhood but as an adult.
I was diagnosed with cancer about a month later and never reached out to them, and I feel fine about it. Not like they would be there for me anyway. I have always had to go through difficult things alone and this was no different. I know for a fact I don't need them for anything, and they resent me for that because they just want me to be as miserable as they are. No thanks. I am happier on my own.
Background_Title_922@reddit
The only time I’ve seen my mother since age 13 was at her father’s funeral. It should absolutely be this way.
aliceinadreamyland@reddit
I didn’t realize so many of us are estranged from our parents. Wow.
I haven’t spoken to my father in 20+ years and was on again off again low/no-contact with my mother for the same amount of time until I finally cut her off completely five years ago. I wish I had done it so much sooner. There are times when it really, really sucks, and I fall into that “I want my mom” mindset, but I remind myself I never had a mom even when we were speaking. It’s relieved a lot of antsy stuff within me and I have peace with how things are. One day, they’ll both be dead and I think about it often lately, but I’m not sure it will even affect me.
Combatical@reddit
I've been estranged for nearly 20 years but just last year I learned my mother has breast cancer. She doesnt have anyone so I've been taking her to her appointments. I make sure shes fed and not in pain but I cant lie its been difficult to not let the bullshit she spews sink into my brain again.
No-Memory-2781@reddit
I had to go take care of my mom who I am estranged from a couple years ago when she injured herself and couldn’t walk or drive. Anytime she made a snarky comment trying to get into with me I would just repeat in my head “I’m here to do a job, I’m here to do a job” and change the subject. That was only a week and it was quite enough! Sending you lots of good thoughts and peaceful vibes.
Combatical@reddit
Thank you for taking the time to commiserate. Thats good advice, cheers.
QueerTree@reddit
I have felt so much less pain since I stopped forcing myself to try to fix a relationship that I didn’t break.
TrustAffectionate966@reddit
I didn’t have fucked up parents. I did have a piece of shit stepfather who is, thankfully, dead.
🧉🦄
brokenman82@reddit
My mom and step dad are awesome. My bio dad is a piece of trash and I haven’t spoken to him in 18 years
SilverAsparagus2985@reddit
My father died early, I was only 25 and he was only just 58. I went no contact with my "egg donor" some time shortly afterward and kept it that way until her death. And then her death was like breathing peace into me. I didn't have to clench my jaw when I talked to my brother about her, I didn't have to worry about blocking her on any new platform that she would try to contact me on. I didn't have to worry about her finding out about anything going on in my life so she could ensue additional chaos. I unclenched my jaw, I breathed a sigh of relief and I after I grieved her passing, I moved forward a little lighter and a little more peaceful.
DocMcCracken@reddit
Make every second count doesn't work against narcissists, they'd just selfishly want more seconds. I chose people that deserve my attention and energy. Once they don't get that attention, they've stopped trying. I am not so sure they ever bothered to even get to know me, just told me what they wanted me to do, once I was an adult and no longer under their direct influence it got worse until I said no more.
stompy1@reddit
I'm self proclaimed as estranged from my family. I left and made my own life. Now that the parents have past, and I have my own children, I can give them the love I never had. And I have no anxiety when my phone rings anymore.
sarahthestallion@reddit
I tried so hard to have a good relationship with my dad even into my 40’s. He preferred to cling to his racist and misogynistic views rather than have or work on a relationship with his only child. He needed therapy so badly but never went a day in his life. He seemed to feel disgusted by me and treated me with disdain and contempt whenever I showed any emotion he found unacceptable. It took me a long time to learn that it had nothing to do with me, he’s an emotionally immature coward who never dealt with his own shit.
So one day I decided enough was enough and that I’d rather not have him in my life at all if he couldn’t treat me with even a minimal amount of respect. Now my husband and I send cards on holidays, and that’s the extent of our contact. He doesn’t get to hurt me anymore and I’ve never felt so free.
piscian19@reddit
My Dad left when I was 12. He did want to stay in my life, but left due to my moms drinking and them generally being unhappy. She died a couple years later and by that point my life had basically been fucked for a lot of reasons. I hated him for leaving and never forgave him. I lived with him off and on until I got emancipated and left when I was 16-17.
I really did speak to him for about 10 years. Things eased in my late 20s. I think I had to acknowledge that with all the mistakes Id made life can have a lot of grey areas and he never hurt me intentionally.
I officially forgave him and we've been on very good terms for the last years. Its funny I fucked up really bad last year and my Dad did everything in his power to help me and not judge or lecture me. It reenforced my feelings that I was right to forgive him, even though hes responsible for my wreckage of my childhood. Sometimes people can be bad parents and good people at the same time. Id rather know him than not.
Top-Wolverine-8684@reddit
My dad was a horrible father and we never intended to allow him to be part of our lives, but he has been the best grandpa to my kids and by far the "favorite". It used to be really hard to see how good he was with my kids because he was so awful when we were growing up, but he's doing his best to atone for that now, even if I will never get an apology and he will always be a pathological liar.
fighthouse@reddit
This reminds me of the movie Big Fish. Most people are not wholly good or bad, but the lens you see them through or the circumstances of life can highlight either side.
Dave_1464@reddit
I love that movie and you hit the nail on the head with that description. The lens we see things through often forms our perception (good or bad).
Reasonable-Wave8093@reddit
💚
hajisaurus@reddit
I estranged myself from my mother in my 30’s and kept no contact when I started a family of my own. My father betrayed information about my son to her and earned his own estrangement about a year after my son was born. My dad and mom never knew about my second child.
Mental illness built these walls. I just keep myself on the other side of them. It’s hard because I want real, caring parents and instead I got selfish, abusive, racist, sexist, violent thieves. I mourn the parents I never got.
My mother took her life two years ago yesterday. It essentially ruined any sense of celebration I had for my own Mother’s Day for the rest of my life. But her death gathered my brothers back together and into my life so we have each other. I don’t know where my dad is but I imagine when he dies, I will probably be notified. But I have no interest in a relationship with someone who values me so little.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
I as estranged from my mom for 5 years before she passed. I spent that time in mourning much like she had passed. When she did die I felt at peace. I was lucky and got some closure before she died and that helped but I never mourned the way you do when you first lose someone again.
Sweet-Situation-8224@reddit
I swore my parents off years ago, mother passed a couple of months ago. I do not regret it as it liberated me from the manipulation and drama.
Natural-Honeydew5950@reddit
Currently getting very close to no contact. It’s all very hard and painful
throwawaylol666666@reddit
I’m here because a 19 year old thought she’d be capable of properly raising and caring for a child.
Spoiler alert: she was not.
It’ll be 10 years this summer since I’ve spoken to her. It is what it is. I have no interest in ever reconnecting.
akobie@reddit
I ran away at 17 and i have never resolved issues with my parents or extended family. Father is a pedophile and believes im a problem because ive been queer all my life. Mother is in the same dv relationship that had me removed by child protective services when i was 16. Screw them all. Ive had a full life and professional career, raised a kid and shes in professional/grad school. Like another person posted, for some of us the separation is the final resolution. Mourn the loss and move on.
micromophone@reddit
Didn’t think this was so common. My parents who live in same city sent me a letter before Christmas 2018 to basically say “yaaa soo umm we’re just gonna put our feet up this year and relax and have a quiet Christmas plus we don’t want to worry about you driving at night. Hope you have a good Christmas!”
And just like that, no more invites to family get togethers—New Years dinner/easter/thanksgiving,etc while continuing to celebrate with my 2 siblings. This is how they passive-aggressively cut me and my family out of their lives—i only a send a text on bdays/mothers and fathers day from then on. Within a couple years they moved right near my younger sister’s place (the only girl in family) to be closer to her and her kids.
Amongst getting the lion’s share of physical and mental abuse and blame growing up (me being the middle child, second born son) I know they’ve always despised me all my life. Just crazy to see them double-down and flaunt it in mine and my kid’s faces as they enter their final chapter.
Really hate bdays and mother/fathers days since because i feel i should still contact them as a bare minimum i guess.
Cinderhazed15@reddit
I feel bad about my current status, but it is sort of wife/direct family over father/extended family.
My parents got divorced after I graduated from college, and later he got remarried a year before my wife and I got married. My wife and my Step mother got along pretty well (being outsiders to my and my dad’s large family), but even when they were close, my Step Mother would sometimes just flip, bring up things that either didn’t actually happen, or have read a bunch of assumed malice into benign things and end up yelling at my wife about it. We would eventually get it out in the past, but it would happen over and over. We didn’t really think anything of it.
Then Covid happened and we had a child. They felt entitled to not socially distance (with our less than 1yo) and weren’t following masking protocols, etc, even when they ended up with a few close friends passing away. They are still bitter about not being able to hold her then, but our close friends (who were socially distancing because of their mother who has a weak immune system) and we were as well, and we met up over the holidays and their kid and our kid got to hang out and have a ‘normal’ Christmas together.
The random once or twice a year yelling session with eventual makeup was still happening, but they held extra resentment around us ‘keeping their grandchild’ from them.
Eventually the Stepmother had some sort of ‘religious experience’, stemming from a time heavily self medicating with THC drops and actual joints, could talk with the dead, etc… and she left this long unhinged rant with my wife who’s father had recently passed away and she was claiming to speak for him.
This was too much for my wife and we spent a while trying to get things worked out. Eventually we came by for Christmas and she ‘just wanted to sleep’ and ‘wasn’t trying to kill herself’ but she took a bottle of sleeping pills after locking the bedroom door and almost died.
We got things somewhat patched up, but we asked my dad ‘what if she does it(turning minor non-issues into major presumed slights on our part - and yelling about it) and my Dad said it wouldn’t. Well, it did happen again, and my wife was just done with it. That was last year, and we weren’t able to agree on a way to communicate that worked for both parties. My dad wanted out o just ‘apologize’ and let her yell it out at us, and we refuse to just let it blow up, again, and get pushed under the rug, again. I sent a ‘happy father’s day’ last year after that conversation, but we’ve had no contact since. We’ve been in therapy for it and my wife is still not in a position to be comfortable with resuming attempted contact. We are just sad because if my Dad would have agreed to some sort of coming out to visit or meet in a neutral location without my Stepmom, we could have resumed him having a relationship with our child.
It’s tough.. sigh
rifunseeker@reddit
Interesting topic. My relationship with my parents is fine. We’re not super close but they know the nuts and bolts of my life and will talk every week or so. My brother, who is 5 year years younger, completely cut off contact with them about 4-5 years ago. I still talk with him but he won’t give me any inkling as to why. I suppose he doesn’t owe me anything but it’s hard for me to wrap my head around since we grew up in the same house and had similar experiences. My mom struggles with it - she really wants to fix things but without knowing why, it’s hard to see anything ever changing.
Illnasty2@reddit
My father died two months ago. A week before he died he said - I love you and I’m proud of what you have become. I knew he did love me and was proud but this was the first time he said it. He knew the end was near. Throughout my whole life my father thought his job was to provide and he did just that and only that.
BetterThanAFoon@reddit
We had a phase with my parents. They were overbearing in some of our life decisions that we were making that they had other wishes and could not respect something that had no impact on them.
We got past it after 6 months. Once grandkids were in the picture we noticed they were much more willing to go with someone else's opinion.
It didn't stop constructive discussions which are welcomed but definitely stopped them from trying to strong arm others to their will.
xxMalVeauXxx@reddit
My father is alive somewhere still, in his 80's by now, never seen him or heard from him since I was 4 years old. Suffered my mother my entire life. She just turned 70, retired, and is insufferable, fussy, outright mean, going demented, depressed, has pushed everyone out of her life (divorced 5 times, twice from the same person even, like who does that twice?), moves houses every few years for invisible catastrophic things, wrecks herself financially, and is the victim in every situation and blames everyone else and has never done anything incorrectly or stupidly. The last year or so we have become estranged, I send her a text on holidays or birthdays. Get one back. That's it. I'm tired of trying to deal with her. I welcome the estrangement. My siblings do too. We've all spread away for the same reason--to get out of the area so we're not just constantly being villains to our collective victim with nonstop crisis nonsense that doesn't even exist. We're burned out.
YinzaJagoff@reddit
The happiness I was able to bring to my life by cutting my toxic mom out of it is all worth the tears and sadness because I’ve finally come to accept she’ll never be what I would like her to be as a mom, and moreover, I’m breaking the cycle with my kid so he’ll never know the type of pain I’ve dealt with in my life, thanks to my narcissistic fucked up mom.
instant_ramen_chef@reddit
Left my father's house the day after I turned 18, in 1998. He died in 2016. I hadn't seen ji. Since the day I left. When his 4th wife called to tell me, all I said was "okay" and hung up. She called me, instead of my 8 other siblings, because my number was the only one that still worked.
Sometimes, estrangement is the best option. Good riddance.
scifithighs@reddit
I'm still in the stage after cutoff where I feel guilty (but not enough to reconnect - I know that's a masochistic urge), and miss my mother terribly, but I also realize that the mother I miss is the one I didn't have. After Dad passed away there was nobody left on my side, and my selfish GenX brothers want me to "suck it up, buttercup," because they know without me, they would have to do (any) emotional labour, and they're used to doing the bare minimum while getting the sun, moon and stars in return. They liked it better when I cleaned everything, served as the emotional punching bag, and allowed myself to be gaslit about why I've never received any kind of support (emotional or financial), so they're cut off too.
I have no idea if it will get better, and my life isn't swell, but I know how much more stressful and linely it was when I was behilden to them all the time....
mistergecko@reddit
I cut my parents off. About 7 months later, I got a call from their lawn maintenance person, saying that nobody was answering the door. A few hours later, I had confirmation that my parents had both passed away.
Definitely not telling anybody what to do. Everyone's situation is different. But it's something to consider.
missed_sla@reddit
I have both lost a parent and an estranged from the other. I'd love to be able to say that I still talk to my father, but his behavior is not acceptable and I won't put my children through it.
Top-Wolverine-8684@reddit
Our family has been going through these struggles. My two stepsisters have never been close to my mom and stepdad (they always preferred their mom's house), so not having them around was normal. My biological sister mostly cut out our family years ago and tries to have as little contact with my parents as possible. Now my brother, who is the most laid-back, chill person I know, has basically gone "no contact" with them because of the way they treated his wife. Things got really heated between them last year, and it was quite ugly. So out of 5 kids, I am the ONLY one who has regular contact with them. We double-date with my parents and have always been very close. But lately, I have found myself distancing myself from them as well. They have gotten extremely opinionated and have lost their filter and say so many rude, back-handed comments that are extremely hurtful. If I try to tell them, they say that I need to lighten up and that it's a "me" problem. For the first time, I'm starting to see why my siblings have all cut them out. They're toxic and make me feel horrible about myself. I'm 45 and shouldn't have to deal with this. But there is also so much guilt because I'm the only one they have left, and I know I will be expected to take care of them someday, and I'm already the executor of their estate. I have so much resentment right now, and trying to figure out how to navigate it. They're only in their mid 60's and everyone in my family dies in their mid 90's+, so it could potentially be many, many years of this.
IllProgress4439@reddit
My father had no interest in “making every second count” as I was growing up. When I became an adult I realized he was nothing more than a stranger. So, other than being biologically related, he really never played any significant role in my life. He was a worthless influence on my life overall. I have no interest in resolving our estrangement.
blamberr@reddit
My parents are dead. You get used to not having them around.
fermentedradical@reddit
My parents are mentally ill and were abusive to my siblings and I our whole lives. I've been estranged for years now and it's been the best thing. I no longer have doubts or want to reestablish contact.
New_Stats@reddit
I finally feel free. I dropped my baggage because I realized I didn't need to carry it around, I could just let it go. I am not my father's daughter anymore, I am free from the mental and physical abuse. I'm (mostly) free from the trauma it caused
I have never been happier, more content and more confident
green_tory@reddit
The seconds already occurred and did count. I have a life to live and a family of my own to care for; if they want to be more involved then great, they'll be welcomed; but as it is they're getting just as much contact as is requisite given the effort they're putting in.
At some point you need to expect your parents to take responsibility for themselves.
Logical-Cherry9395@reddit
I think "make every second count" is a naive position to put someone in. Not all relationships should continue, and some are best left. The advice I give to adults in this situation is to make sure you've done what you can, and sometimes that may mean just walk away. I know someone whose mother just won't make the effort and continuing to try just hurts them over and over. In cases like this, it's best to set it down and walk away. And that's okay.
Now...if the reason you're estranged is because you just don't feel like it, me and my dad, for example, pick up the phone and start with a text. My dad eventually stopped responding, but in my heart and head, I know I did what I could.