Weddings for your children

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Naptimeforgoodwomen@reddit

I’m providing heirloom engagement and wedding jewellery. They can melt down and redesign or use as is. I was married twice; once divorced and once widowed. All of it has been appraised so there is a reasonable expectation of equal distribution.

I will also host when asked to host, and provide equal financial support of about $2500. None of my kids have discussed weddings, but all have discussed having families and partner relationships.

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MakeItAll1@reddit

I think you’ll find more and more weddings returning to smaller events. When my parents married in he mid 1950’s, they wed in a church and had a cake and lunch reception in the basement. No venue fees, no sit down dinner, no band or dancing…just close friends and family using the church facilities. Today’s wedding expectations are excessive. Big bachelor/bachelorette trips, destination weddings, expensive food and decorations…you don’t need all that to have a marriage. You do need a car, a decent place to live, and savings available for emergencies.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Plus my kids have zero cousins and only 1 set of grandparents still alive (for now) so on my sons side very few family members.

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sunfish99@reddit

Out of curiosity, would you expect to limit the number of family members who can attend from the other side, as a result of your sons not having many family members?

Asking, because my nephew's fiancée also has very few family members (that she would want to invite, anyway), and there are ... disagreements ... about who on my nephew's side can be invited as a result.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

That is a good question. Probably going to depend on how cost is divided.

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sunfish99@reddit

That's fair.

In the case of my nephew and his fiancée, there was a tacit understanding that his parents would pay, because her parents can't contribute anything. Over time, this has morphed into: fiancée will have only three family members to ask, therefore nephew can only have three relatives - including cutting out his own brother, two half-siblings and their families. They've also decided on a courthouse wedding, and a small party afterwards that's mostly their friends. But... they still want his parents to give them whatever money would have been spent on wedding + reception.

I find all this kind of bewildering, and just wondered if this approach was more of a trend or something peculiar to them.

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Greedy-Clerk9326@reddit

Fiancée’s entitlement here is absurd. I would rescind the offer to cover any costs in this case. I’d tell them to have fun with their party and take some pictures for me. They’ll be divorced within a decade.

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sunfish99@reddit

The sad thing is that my nephew is apparently fully on board with what fiancée wants. Fiancée is not a bad person, but she *really* needs therapy (that they can't afford) to work through a number of issues; he's a shy guy who (wrongly, imo) imagines he wouldn't find anyone else that makes him happy, so he stands by his high school sweetheart.

I've kept my thoughts to myself because the discussion of wedding expenses is none of my business, but I'm finding it hard to not ask him "what *are* you doing??"

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Wow. That sounds terrible.

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sunfish99@reddit

Thanks for that honest reaction. I listened to my sister in some disbelief as she relayed a recent convo they had, and since I don't have children myself I wondered whether I was missing some Gen Z cultural context.

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IllustratorOnly1026@reddit

The kids should pay for the wedding and the parents, if they can afford it and want to, should give a predetermined dollar amount.

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Potential_Top4116@reddit

We got married 20 years ago. My (bride) Mom gave me $1000 that I knew she couldn’t afford. I used it on flowers and the donation to the church so she knew where her money had gone.

My MIL used the wedding like a reunion to invite everyone she’s ever met. Thankfully most of those people declined bc they hadn’t seen my hubby since he was a child. She wouldn’t offer you five bucks toward the bill at the world’s most expensive restaurant.

I feel weird about children expecting parents to pay without context and conversation.

Aside from my Moms gift we paid for everything.

The bar bill alone was $10k and it wasn’t even fully open bar bc I know my audience so I refused to let the bartenders pour shots until the after party. People still talk about the reception and the next day 😂

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Mammoth_Ad_4806@reddit

The plan is to have a set dollar amount that we know we can contribute. I can pretty much predict how that will play out:

Son 1 will try to keep the whole wedding on or about that dollar amount

Son 2 will elope and use the money for a down payment on a home or for a honeymoon

Daughter is the reason we decided on a set dollar amount, lol. If we say, for example, “We can pay for the flowers,” she will order $100,000 in flowers. There can be no gray area with what we are willing and able to contribute.

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Mjhjane77@reddit

I have sons. I plan on keeping it traditional. We will pay a set amount of cash to be used for dinner or reception. I will not feed into the big wedding brew-haha$$$$. Both my boys would probably be happiest with a small tasteful wedding or small destination wedding.

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User47B@reddit

I’m getting ready to retire and have two daughters in their early 20’s. I have no idea if a wedding is in our near future or not, but I spent some time lurking around wedding forums as I tried to figure out how to handle wedding savings. I wanted to have something set aside before retiring, but I wasn’t sure how much or what was expected these days.

It seems to me that a lot of couples are paying for themselves and happy to accept whatever parents are willing and able to contribute. There are still some people who are doing it the traditional way and covering extravagant weddings for their daughters, but it seems like more and more parents are contributing equally or just giving a set amount.

I settled on set number and opened two CD’s … I figure I will give it to them when they get engaged or turn 30. They can use it how they see fit. It’s enough to fill cover a no-frills, no-alcohol wedding in the Midwest. They could use it for that and not have to pay any extra, use it as a base for something fancier, or elope and have a good chunk of change for down payment for a house.

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toastedmarsh7@reddit

What number did you settle on?

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MercuryRising92@reddit

Traditionally, the brides parents paid for the wedding and the groom parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. And the bride and groim worked within that budget. Sometimes if a grooms parents had lots of money, they might pay for some of the wedding or provide something special, but it was a tradeoff because it could be seen insulting to the brides parents - that they were unable to provide the desired wedding.

Now a days, I don't know that it matters who pays. My cousin paid for two of his son's weddings. People are getting married later in life and paying for all or part of the wedding. Depending on your circumstances, I'd set aside some money for each wedding and when the couple gets engaged tell them - we have set aside $xx for your wedding to be used for your wedding ceremony or honeymoon or gift. Then they can use it as they please.

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beauspambeau@reddit

In the the south it is still man family pays for rehearsal and woman’s pays for the wedding . Unless there is a big difference in family size or finances .

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Remarkable-Talk-6197@reddit

My parents ( I’m female) gave us a set amount that we could use for wedding and honeymoon as we wanted. Had a small- ish wedding and saved the rest for a great honeymoon. I think my in laws paid for the wedding dinner( roughly 800 dollars).

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Oh-No-RootCanal@reddit

Whatever it ends up being, and I know this sounds weird, but every wedding of a Millennial I’ve been to involved wedding registries that had only a tiny handful of tangible gifts and a prominent request for $ via online transactions to help pay for the wedding and/or a home. I’ve always done the $ option which isn’t all that unusual BUT the holy Hanna, not once did we get any response/acknowledgement/thank you other than a heart emoji or a thumbs up on the registration platform. So just be prepared for that when you start going to (or chipping in for) weddings these days or in the future.

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CahabaL@reddit

My MIL tried to guilt trip me about thank you cards. I told her that she needed to talk to her son. He was supposed to send the thank you cards to his relatives like I did to my relatives. She dropped it. 25 years later, and I still don’t feel guilty. If marriage is a partnership, one person shouldn’t own all the thank you writing unless it’s mutually agreed.

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murph089@reddit

Agreed!! We just got a lovely thank you and both the bride and groom wrote something on the card. It was very sweet and we appreciated the effort.

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CahabaL@reddit

That is sweet they both wrote something on there. That is really what we should’ve done, but I’m pretty sure my husband was adamant that his family didn’t do that. He was from a tiny place in the Appalachians, so I thought that’s what they did.

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UKophile@reddit

This money begging thing is so offensive to me. Don’t ask me to pay for your wedding or honeymoon.

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YesYouTA@reddit

That’s terrible.
I’m working with new professionals about to interview into their careers after a practicum internship, and we’ve gone over all the prep and practice stuff.
My last task on the list is to send a hand-written thank you note you note the moment you get home from an interview. A lot of them blew it off until I pointed out that all the other candidates will either skip it entirely, or email something in, and taking a moment to do this the right way will set them aside an more thoughtful and conscientious candidates. Most of them saw the point there, but confessed they had never written a thank you note, so were hosting a workshop on how to do so.

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Objective_Joke_5023@reddit

As someone involved in hiring, this is excellent advice. We always remember the ones who wrote thank you notes, and they are often the strongest candidates for other reasons, too.

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YesYouTA@reddit

Thank you!

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Objective_Joke_5023@reddit

I agree. The money grifters are always the ones who don’t acknowledge the gift. I’m done. If you ask for money only, you’re getting a toaster.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Haha. I believe it. When I got married my aunt complained to my mom (her sister) that I hadn’t sent the thank you card yet. Years later her Millenial grandson got married and he never sent a thank you card to my parents.

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gunterrae@reddit

Our daughter eloped. None of us were disappointed.

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JustEnough77@reddit

I like the flat check approach. Get the couple used to making financial tradeoffs together and then there is no back and forth about what you are willing to pay for.

If memory serves, my mom gave me a check for $5K and my wife a check for $5K. Her dad gave us a check for $5K. This was in 2009 after the financial crisis so that money went pretty far as places were a little more desperate. Anything beyond that was on us. We used a lot of our friends as vendors and we did a lot of stuff ourselves. (Well, my wife and her friend did.) We still had a pretty big wedding (~150 ppl)and rehearsal dinner (due to a lot of out of town guests), but we were well into our 30s and well-established in our careers.

I still haven't met anyone who wishes they had a bigger wedding.

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testingground171@reddit

My wedding (31 years ago) was split pretty much the same as yours.

I don't think there really is any specific etiquette these days.

My oldest son paid for his own and would not accept any funds from my wife and I. He is fiercely independent, has discretionary funds, and would not accept any money from his in-law due to expectations that came with that money, so he also wouldn't take any from us to prevent potential animosity between families.

My younger son is getting married this summer. We offered him a flat amount of money with no expectations or influence over how he spent it on the wedding. His in-laws did not have any funds to offer, so the wedding budget is being set based on the gift from my wife and I.

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Such-Kaleidoscope147@reddit

I am curious about this too. I never had a wedding, married at the county office. I have several sons. I don’t plan to pay for much. I might offer a gift, but then it will be the same for everyone. As in, my unmarried children will get the same gift. Then they can spend it on the wedding if they want.

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GrookeyFan_16@reddit

We paid for our own wedding 23 years ago. I’d love to convince my kids to do the same or to just do something small with immediate family. I cannot stomach the amount of money people are spending for one day when the wedding doesn’t change the outcome of the marriage.

Looking back the most important things I remember from our wedding is my parents walking me down the aisle, the fabulous spice cake hubby and I had, and my family enjoying time together. All the other people were nice but didn’t make or break the day.

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TheShortWhiteGuy@reddit

I (57) am still shooting weddings. Average wedding in the US is roughly $35K-$40K. Sounds ridiculous and it might not be that high in your area, but that's the national average.

My oldest got married in 2024. We paid for the rehearsal dinner and her parents paid for the wedding. If I had to guess their cost? Probably around $25K.

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fullthrottle13@reddit

That’s absolutely insane.

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Lirpa_the_Lurker@reddit

I don’t think there are any solid rules anymore. I figured that my son and his finance will build their budget then we will choose to gift them by covering a large ticket item.

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AnnaSure12@reddit

I think unless you come from a wealthy family you pay for the wedding yourself.

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Crystalraf@reddit

My dad paid for the food. And it was affordable. Very affordable.

But most people’s parents won’t pay anything.

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21stCenturyJanes@reddit

I don't think there are clear cut rules anymore. Sometimes couples are getting married at a later age and footing the bill themselves. Sometimes both families make a contribution. Unless you are wealthy, the rule of the bride's family paying 100% is less common. My son eloped, god bless him. Wedding budgets are out of control.

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Working-on-it12@reddit

My parents paid for everything but the rehearsal dinner and some of the flowers. Ex's family paid for those.

I wrote my son a check that he could use for whatever, and they and her parents paid for everything else. My daughter in law was the only girl of 4 kids. Her mom got a little intense.

A lot of people pay for their own wedding. Especially if there is any likelihood the they will get "We paid, we choose" from a parent.

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Caliopebookworm@reddit

My parents and his parents paid for some specific things (mine paid for flowers and his paid for the bar) but we mostly paid for our own wedding. That said, we were older.

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ihatecleaningtoilets@reddit

I don’t think young adults are getting married these days. I have a friend only eight years younger than me (I’m 45) and she and her partner don’t see the point. They have a kid together. I think every generation, even younger, is the same way. There’s no reason to get married. It’s much simpler if they decide to part ways.

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Nonnie0224@reddit

When our daughter got married ten years ago, we split the costs. Everyone was happy.

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ElectronicTowel1225@reddit

This isn't the 50's or it's where they were marrying at 16- 19.

People are getting married after college years, have jobs and homes. Parents paid because they HAD to. Now it's more of a collaboration and wants instead of needs.

My son is getting married next year. We are helping by paying for the rehearsal dinner ( $2500) plus 3 dresses. ($1000) Her family invited like 100 people my son doesn't even know 90% of so they wanted to foot the bill. They are paying close to 25,000. My son and dil. Are footing like 15,000.

My son would have been very happy with a intimate wedding.

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snazzysid1@reddit

My kid is engaged - he hasn’t asked me to pay for anything. I guess they are paying for it (?). I’m willing to pay, but not much because weddings are such a waste of money. Maybe he knows that.

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SignificantTear7529@reddit

Education is your responsibility. Weddings work themselves out. I mean it's pretty cost effective to go to the court house and have a bonfire afterwards. The very idea of the waste associated with a wedding doesn't really appeal to much of the younger generation. I've seen lovely outdoor weddings that were potluck and didn't break the bank. I just got the last one out of college. Do NOT ask me for wedding money any time soon. I'll chip in a reasonable amount when the time comes but hope to heaven I have a few years to reset my finances first . .

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keto-quest@reddit

Education is not the parent’s responsibility.

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SignificantTear7529@reddit

Really? You bring a child into the world and then just cut them off at 18?? I don't believe that way at all. If you have the financial means then it's a parents responsibility to help so their children can concentrate on becoming whole adults. If you don't have the resources, it's still a parents responsibility to help them figure out options and get to the resources they need.

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keto-quest@reddit

Yes.

And don’t make sweeping assumptions from one comment.

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keto-quest@reddit

My yes was in agreement with your statement. At the same time it’s okay if someone has a dissenting opinion. It’s an opinion. Helping yes, pay for it maybe not.

Again, assumptions are harsh. But my comment? Not hostile.

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whattheflagnon@reddit

Yes it is.

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stickybond009@reddit

Marriage is the willing entrance of two people into locked-in proximity.
It places us in close range of another's needs, desires and anxieties, all of which arouse and amplify our own. The question seems to be less "Why would marriage make us angry?" than "Why wouldn't it?" How could intimacy with another person not provoke at least occasional feelings of desperation, isolation and rage?

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Parker_Barker_III@reddit

What.

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PlaysTheTriangle@reddit

We eloped, my son is leaning the same way

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rivenshire@reddit

We covered the food - cooked the rehearsal dinner ourselves (lasagna, salad, garlic bread) and did a taco bar for the reception. Our daughter and husband paid for the rest, but it was a free venue because it was our church, which also included a lot of volunteers so no need for any professionals except the photographer who was their friend, as was the floral arranger. Btw, she was only a few years older than your kids, but had already worked (no college) and built up quite a savings.

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2oldemptynesters@reddit

my kids are paying for their own. I paid for my own wedding.

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thewatchwinder@reddit

if you follow old fashioned ettiquette. brides family pays. in the 80's it moved towards both sides sharing cost, but it was still bridal side leaning. ive seen friends and family move towards a fully shared cost in this century (im 53), and now...im fairly certain its really a discussion. when most marriages (str8...check the stats...its crazy. str8 people highest rate, lesbians are second highest, gay male are lowest) end in divorce, im not sure its worth spending that much on a party...people dont follow the old gift rules either anymore. used to be, you spent per person for you and your guest, what they spent on you (ish) to be invited.

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Reader47b@reddit

My eldest just went down to the courthouse and got married for $45. Didn't even invite family. They say they will have a small ceremony and reception at some future date in a simple venue when they are more financially stable and have saved up. I wouldn't be surprised if they never got around to it.

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fiesta4eva@reddit

So true. I know at least 3 couples who went to the courthouse to get married and said they would have a reception later. None of them did, lol.

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RedditSkippy@reddit

We paid for our own wedding and didn’t have kids!

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

Both of my kids got married here at my house. We threw them a hell of a party! And had 1 million people over and my daughter even got to do the full dress and walk in all of that all here. My husband signed up to be a minister. I guess you can become a minister for nothing basically and in Texas anyway that that allows you to perform wedding ceremonies. So we did all that and was probably less than $2000 for both of them that included all the food and the table and chair rentals.

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Amidormi@reddit

2 grand for 1 million people (I assume you mean 100+ or so), wedding dress, food, and party supplies? Was dinner cheese and crackers?

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

1 cracker and 1 cheese. Per table :)

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SMakked@reddit

Your kids pay for their own decisions.

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Eazy12345678@reddit

weddings are dumb just have a party

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Bis_K@reddit

We have 2 teens. Paying for college and through retirement planning have $30K set aside for each to use on a wedding or house down payment

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Adventurous-Egg-8818@reddit

Both of my boys went to the courthouse. No family. We gave each of them some cash towards a down payment on a house.

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oblivigus@reddit

Head over to r/weddings and you’ll get an eyeful. It’s trending aesthetic. And expensive.

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Odd-Ad-9858@reddit

Oh, and they don’t want kids at their weddings

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ZarinZi@reddit

Each of our kids received a good chunk of money when they graduated college--we called it "starter" money that they could use for a car, a downpayment on a house, a wedding, a trip around the world, whatever. But when/if they get married, we'll get them a generous gift but we're not paying for the wedding itself.

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Babymik9@reddit

Can I be your child?

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theblisters@reddit

I'd be more worried about college in your position

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kcGirl_of_the_year@reddit

Her college is covered, too.

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jkent9024@reddit

They've all graduated from college--2 with Master's degrees--debt-free, thanks to academic and sports scholarships (NAIA allows students to get both) and a financially savvy husband who began putting $ aside into college funds before I'd even been discharged from the maternity ward!

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caryn1477@reddit

This

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Puzzleheaded_Low_619@reddit

Gave my daughter 10k for the wedding anything she didn't spend was hers to keep. The groom family paid for the food. It was a beautiful wedding and no alcohol was served which saved quite a bit.

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FormerLaugh3780@reddit

After 12 years of private school and then college, mine can pay for their own wedding, elope or get married at the local Justice of the Peace.

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demona2002@reddit

I plan on tossing my son $30k. Thankfully he is sensible enough that he will most likely invest most of it rather than spend on an extravagant wedding.

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flyers1169@reddit

Man, 69'er here, my 30 yr old got married in oct last year. I just finished paying off his college (sigh). His wife wanted a tiny wedding, but somehow her mom and my ex convinced her otherwise. It was quite a role reversal because my son did ALL of the planning. I don't know the final cost but it was an easy 60k. I said from the beginning, I just finished paying 90 grand for college ill give you 5k and thats it. They were grateful. They ended up paying for most of it. His wife is a data engineer and has lately been raking it in.

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FunnyChampionship717@reddit

It should be 50-50. My parents and in-laws gave us some money but none was expected. When my kids get married I'll offer to cover half if its reasonable.

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Ok-Dragonfruit-715@reddit

When I was married for a few years in the early 1990s, we paid for the wedding ourselves. We were both long past being married from our parents' houses, so to speak, and had been independent financially for years, so it didn't seem proper to ask anyone else to pay for things. We also had a very simple ceremony and a cake and punch reception. When people talk about spending $30,000 and $40,000 for a single occasion I can't imagine how they think that's a good idea.

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ParkingAstronaut1776@reddit

I have a daughter getting married in September. I am a single mom. I paid for her dress and gave the cash I could to them, they are paying for the rest. His parents insisted the only item they would pay for was the rehearsal dinner. It's a small wedding - there was no plan for a rehearsal dinner, now there is one.

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neanderthalman@reddit

I’ll gift ‘em $5k to go hit city hall and forget the big wasteful wedding.

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PacRat48@reddit

I’ll have a little know of dough that I’ll give them to spend toward:

A Wedding?

An Open Bar?

House down payment?

Mind numbing honeymoon?

It’ll be their call, but they’ll own the outcome

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Miserable_Carry_3949@reddit

We were totally willing to pay for our wedding of about $6,000 13 years ago, but my parents cut us a check when they found out that's all it cost.

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liand22@reddit

I paid for undergrad. If they get married, that’s on them.

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Electric-Sheepskin@reddit

Unless you're just rolling in money, I would focus on paying as much as you can for their education, and then see where things stand after that. They will be a lot better off in life if you devote your resources to things that help them build wealth, like education, retirement savings, and a home.

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Chemical-Carrot-9975@reddit

My wife and I are fairly well off, but our daughters know that we have no interest in wasting our hard earned money on something as stupid as a lavish wedding. We paid for our own reasonable wedding and so can they, when/if that time comes.
Now, just so I don’t just sound cheap and uninterested in helping them, we’d spend an equivalent amount helping them finance a home, opening a well thought out business, etc. I just can’t aide in wasting money on a wedding.

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xxDailyGrindxx@reddit

This is the way.

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sorenelf@reddit

My kid and partner are eloping by choice. Neither of them are big on being the centre of attention, and they think it’s a waste of money to have a big blow out.

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AnnieGetYourPunSTL@reddit

I guess I took my total allowance and offered up half to my kids when they planned their wedding letting them believe that was all of it, and then surprised them with the other half on the day. That way, I made sure they didn’t spend it all on the wedding itself.

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National-Net-6831@reddit

Gawd stop. Boys can be silly. I’m not allowing my children to marry let alone reward them with a prison sentence.

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

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meenadu@reddit

I gave my daughter 5,000 dollars and I plan to do the same for my son but I’m not going into hock for a wedding.

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GatorGTwoman@reddit

That is what my folks did. They have four daughters and we each got $5000 to spend however we pleased. Three of us used it for the wedding and the fourth used it as part of a down payment on a house. She was probably the smartest.

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Equivalent_Win8966@reddit

Our kids will have to pay for their own weddings. We put 3 of the 4 (one more to go) through college, all expenses paid. I’m not opposed to helping them with a down payment on a house, but I’m not paying for a wedding. My husband and I paid for our wedding. My dad helped me with a down payment on my first home which I bought long before I got married.

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jkent9024@reddit

We have 4 kids, 2 of each gender. We gave all of them the exact same amount with the freedom to spend it how they wanted, whether an elaborate reception, dream honeymoon or as part of a down payment on a home.

If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to make the decisions on how to spend the money.

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analogpursuits@reddit

Big Decision Launch Money, it's reallllly helpful - We got that from wasband's parents, $10k, to use on either the wedding or use towards a down payment on a home (2002, so that was a decent amount for us just starting out). We chose the latter. And got married by Elvis in Vegas for about $3k, all in. I wore a very tasteful leopard print chiffon dress, and said vows with our 10 month old kiddo in my arms. I'm classy like that. My mother-in-law was mortified, which delighted me to no end. Heh. 😎 Reception was in the next room over from the chapel. About 30 family/friends came from all over the country. Because, who doesnt want to go to an Elvis Wedding?! We had a blast, and bought a house about 6 months later.

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Equivalent_Win8966@reddit

This is fantastic! I wanted a Vegas Elvis wedding. My husband wanted a church wedding. He won, unfortunately. I hated the church wedding.

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Puzzleheaded_Fig7807@reddit

We have the same, 2 and 2, and are doing the same thing money wise.

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_P4X-639@reddit

I paid for school myself, and I paid for my own marriage.

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Fun-Room-6501@reddit

We paid for it - no parental involvement

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nativesc@reddit

Weddings are totally out of control now. Everything is for SM. I’ve heard of both set of parents helping out.

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SolomonGrumpy@reddit

SM = social media?

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nativesc@reddit

Yes. Sadly yes.

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GawkieBird@reddit

Kids these days don't know what they're missin'

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denvergardener@reddit

My wife and I paid a total of $1000 out of our own pocket for our wedding.

We wanted full control of all decisions. And we also didn't need a big spectacle and waste a lot of money.

If I was doing it again I wouldn't even spend that much unless it was literally just a big party with food and beer.

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ScriptWizard1@reddit

Sounds like you just didn’t have anyone to come to your sad wedding loser

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denvergardener@reddit

At least I know the difference between a real person and an AI bot.

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Poor Behavior - No antagonism, trolling, rage farming, flame wars, juvenility, or any other overly cantankerous commentary and/or behavior will be tolerated.

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SpongyBarnacle@reddit

This. We got married at home.Our wedding was filing fees, $100 for the officiant, and Chinese food for six (the cat didn't want any).

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UKophile@reddit

Are you the mum or the dad?

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Dad.

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gretchenfour@reddit

My 30 year old is getting married in August. Her parents offered an amount, so we matched it. My son and fiancé are paying the rest. I do have friends that were more traditional, but I honestly think it depends on the finances of everyone involved.

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UKophile@reddit

10 years ago, we all agreed bride’s family 1/3, groom’s family1/3, bride and groom 1/3. Anybody that wanted to upgrade paid the extra solely. Both of our daughters decided, upon our offer, to have a courthouse wedding and use the money for a trip.

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TheresaB112@reddit

I believe if someone is old enough/mature enough for marriage, they are old enough/mature enough to pay for it themselves. When I married my husband (2nd husband; we’ve been married 11years), we paid for the wedding ourselves (though my father in law and step mother in law paid for a rehearsal lunch; though my husband and I had planned on paying for it ourselves).

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HistoricalStatus5577@reddit

Remind them that the higher the cost of the wedding the higher the probability of divorce

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

I don’t know if that is true or not but wife and I got married same day as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and wife and I still going.

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HistoricalStatus5577@reddit

Supposedly backed by research and true in my case. Congratulations on your long marriage!

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Thank you!!

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mhoepfin@reddit

When we got married in 1996 my father in law gave us $15k and said use it how you want to. My wife economized our awesome wedding for about $7.5k and we used the other $7.5k for the down payment on our first house.

I looked up the inflation adjusted equivalent today and it’s $30k. So each of our two adult children (one boy and one girl) will each get $30k with the same use it as you want to approach.

This leaves us out of the guilt to give more and we hope they do the same thing we did.

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Crewstage8387@reddit

My wife and I paid for our entire wedding short of my wife’s dress was paid by her parents. Total guests were around 100 people. Within 6 weeks we had all the big stuff (church, reception hall, her dress, my and groomsmen tuxes, limos, flowers) locked in. IMHO the biggest waste was the invitations. What a bunch of crap we must have spent 4 weekends looking at that crap and probably spent at least $600 or so on them

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Potential-Bluejay-50@reddit

My daughter just got married and it was about 25K her step dad and I paid for about 10k of it.

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GrammyGH@reddit

It varies. When our daughter got married, she and her fiance paid for the wedding themselves. They had been saving money for a while. When our oldest son got married, the bride's parents paid for most of the wedding. We paid for the rehearsal dinner.

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Normal-Sun450@reddit

My husband and I paid for our daughter’s wedding- including her dress. For our son we paid for the rehearsal dinner, flowers and gave them a generous gift. We wanted to do this and feel fortunate that we could.

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hippiestitcher@reddit

Our one child who has been married (now separated) just went and got married in the office of a friend who is a judge. Walked into our house and announced they were married.

If any of the other three ever marry, they know we will be happy to help but no one is shelling out thousands of dollars, nor would any of them want a wedding like that.

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kcGirl_of_the_year@reddit

Unbeknownst to me, I just learned, that my husband has already set aside $50K for our daughter's wedding. She is an only child and 11. I guess by the time that money compounds and grows, this will turn into a WAY fancier wedding than our Holiday Inn wedding. LoL!

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mvscribe@reddit

I hope he's saved for college, too! I'd rather pay for my kids' college/grad school than a wedding. I mean, I would help, but $50k seems excessive. I know people spend that much, and much more, for weddings, but it's crazy to me.

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Aggravating_Ear_1586@reddit

Back years ago paying for a wedding ment much less money than it does now. People spend tens of thousands today so I don't think the parental contribution for average earning people should go beyond a couple thousand to help. If the couple want an extravagant wedding costing 50 or 60k they need to be able to foot most of the bill themselves unless they are from wealthy families

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Bamalouie@reddit

My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We kept it relatively small and simple, invited all of our friends and family to Vegas over a holiday weekend and had a blast. My sister on the other hand had to have a huge elaborate and very expensive wedding at the Ritz. Her in-laws paid for the whole thing and her mother in law hijacked all of the decisions (colors, flowers, food, toasts - everything) and kept calling it "our wedding" in conversations as if she was the bride. I think i was happier with our simple little wedding that we paid for lol

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mn-mom-75@reddit

We will help were we can, but the bulk of costs will need to be on our daughter and her future spouse. I do forsee a few talks about expenses...I have seen her "Dream Wedding" Pinterest boards.

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ConscientiousDissntr@reddit

I told my kids since they were around your children's age, if you live with your partner before marriage, you can pay for your own wedding. Or if you are better off financially than we are at the time of your marriage. I told them, I'm not making any more judgment on you living together, I just think it's silly for us to have to foot the bill for an expensive wedding when you've been living together for a year or more.

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Soggy_Detective_4737@reddit

I paid around £1.5k for my wedding 30 years ago. That was done entirely as cheap as we could get it. Our parents didn't pay towards it, but my neighbour drafted and made my wedding dress for the cost of the fabric and half price time - maid of honour paid half of that, I paid the other. Our car was a gift from my boss. He owned a new Mercedes, and got his son to dress a a chauffeur for us. We never had a honeymoon, but my mum did watch our toddler for the night.

Two of my kids, my boys, are engaged. They've not approached us about helping out when they finally get to the wedding bit.

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ThisMomIsAMother@reddit

My husband and I married at the court house by a justice of the peace. The cost was $15 and he waved the fee for a wedding present since we were both in the military and we didn’t have any family members there. However, we did have a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit and chains walk through as we were saying our vows and gave us his well wishes!

37 years and counting.

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uberspaz2020@reddit

We did the same at the justice of the peace in our county courthouse. I think it was 25$ and both mothers were witnesses. Had a small reception at a union hall. Going on 26 lovely years!

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Honeybee3674@reddit

I'm not going to start considering weddings until after my young adults actually give dating a try...

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denvergardener@reddit

We never had kids.

Our oldest nephew just passed 40. The others are all 20+.

Absolutely none of them ever have been married, and their relationships never seem to last more than around 2 years.

I think this is becoming a lot more common.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Hahaha

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Findmyeatingpants@reddit

I paid for my own weddings, 2 of them. Our parents gave us generous gifts, a few thousand bucks.

This is how I plan to handle my kids wedding. They can pay for whatever wedding they want, I'll give a generous give. I have my own retirement to plan for, no way I'm paying for a wedding.

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JustFaithlessness178@reddit

Two daughters both in college. When it comes down to it, I imagine contributing 3-5k for each. Any more, I just can't. We do have to eventually retire!

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CTurtleLvr@reddit

Same, 2 daughters in college, my husband could retire in 2-yrs, I have 7 and we’d like to have a retirement fund. Plus, we paid for our own wedding.

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Finding_Way_@reddit

The cost of course can vary based on the type of wedding. I have one friend and she and her husband put aside 50K for each of their daughters for their wedding as part of their retirement plan. I was stunned.

On the other hand, two friends recently recently said that their adult kids paid for their own weddings. The traditional standards aren't in place for many people. In addition folks are marrying older now, end and live together for years before the wedding allowing them to save up.

Finally, weddings very. Some people still have the formal things. But others do destination weddings, or go to the other end of the spectrum and just head to the courthouse!

(Op, I will say that my spouse's friend paid for his sons rehearsal dinner. They were stunned to find out that everyone invited to the wedding was invited to the dinner after the rehearsal. This is because so many people traveled from out of town and they wanted to welcome and feed them that evening. It was way more than he expected to pay, But he said they were glad to do it and help their kid launch without wedding debt, and it was a blast of a weekend!)

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librarykerri@reddit

DH and I paid for our wedding and honeymoon. I don't intend to foot the entire bill for either my daughter or son, but may contribute a small amount to help them out.

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caryn1477@reddit

I truly am just curious, why are you asking when your kids are so young? Also the answer is going to vary greatly.

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ApprehensiveCream571@reddit

Well to be honest, if they are footing the bill it gives them time to save. Just went to a wedding that cost the dad at least 30 grand. It would be nice to save 3k a year instead of coming up with that in a year.

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Whole_Craft_1106@reddit

They pay for it themselves. No one paid for my wedding.

I told my kids, either you pay for it yourselves or someone tells you what to do. I did the rehearsal dinner for one of my sons, I’ll do the same for the other.

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TemperReformanda@reddit

Wedding formalities that matter cost very little money. Most of the overblown expensive weddings I've been to ended with even more expensive attorney fees, child support, and alimony.

So, no, as the father, I'm not paying for a huge ass wedding.

Our own wedding literally cost under $500 including the photographer which was my high school Spanish teacher, the catering done by family, the cleanup done by our church friends, and the invitations. We invited 120 people, and about 100 showed up. Done at the church we were members of.

I will say, the wedding dress was not cheap but that didn't come out of my pocket, and maybe my daughter's will, and I'm ok with that as long as they don't pick some insane thing.

So, I'm a firm believer in HELPING and contributing to such. I've built wood arches and such for friends weddings, for example.

But when it comes to fancy catering (nope), tuxedoes for all the men (hell no), exorbitant decorations (nope), professional musicians (unlikely....but maybe).

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TripMaster478@reddit

We definitely paid for our own as well (2000). We did it fairly thrifty, I remember my wife's dress was under $250. Had a shot at a fairly well known Canadian band but we decided against it. Guest list was 60ish I think. Anyways, none of our chaos trio is going to get substantive help towards a car or wedding or anything. We've worked our asses off and would like to be not be starving in retirement thank you.

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TemperReformanda@reddit

Yeah I failed to mention my top "hell no" is the idea of me going in debt to pay for any of it.

Thankfully neither of my daughters seem to be the type that would just have to have everything so perfect that they'd take out loans for unnecessary wedding fru-fru.

I am a bit concerned that my boys will end up buried under credit card debt spent on gaming, lol, but not while they live under my roof

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trashname4trashgame@reddit

The trick is to set a cheap generational precedent.

My parents got married at the Chapel of the Bells, I got married at the Chapel of the bells….

Tradition!

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Quickwitknit2@reddit

My daughter and her husband planned, executed, and mostly paid for their own wedding. I contributed about 1/3 of the cost and his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. They had exactly the wedding and reception they wanted. The groom’s mom and I helped out when asked. Everyone walked away thinking it was the most perfect day.

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Woodythdog@reddit

Both my kids got married last year we gift 10k each and bought a wedding dress and a nice suit

The kids did the rest

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RevolutionaryLaw8854@reddit

I’m going to give a set amount as a gift to use as they wish. I would love for it to be used as down payment on a home. But, will be their money to use as they wish.

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Peachily_Suns@reddit

If either of my kids decide to get married, they will be paying for it. My ex and I put them both through college. I’m just trying to retire at some point, ya know?

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reporterbabe@reddit

My son and his wife, both 28, insisted on paying for their own wedding and also bought a house (engineers can afford these things).

My daughter, 26, and her boyfriend of seven years have no plans as of yet. I kind of picture them eloping somewhere exotic.

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mjh8212@reddit

My daughter is married. They simply got the paperwork and had it notarized at the ups store and filed it boom married.

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Rredhead926@reddit

My husband and I paid for our wedding.

I'm not sure how we'll do our children's weddings. Part of me wants to be all traditional and pay for our daughter's, but the rest of me sees how that's unfair to our son. I imagine we'll probably either go half-sies with the other in-laws, pay for some specific wedding-related items, or just give them each a set amount of money to spend on weddings.

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YouBYou@reddit

Too early to even think about "weddings"! Couples these days are living together, having kids, buying a home, furnishing it, etc, etc... WHY in the universe would they then expect to have a traditional wedding with all the fanfare, costumes, elaborate pageantry and have mom and dad pick up the tab?

Totally Bass-Ackwards!

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Phobos1982@reddit

Weddings aren't worth it.

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RunsWithPremise@reddit

I don't agree. Huge, lavish weddings that bury you in debt aren't worth it. Weddings, when done properly, are terrific.

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cwcharlton@reddit

I don't 100% agree, but I will say that the marriage is far more important than the wedding, and that I'm disgusted (but also fascinated and somewhat entertained) by all the huge wedding drama and what people spend money on for a single day, especially given how many marriages fail .

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kevbayer@reddit

Our oldest and their partner pretty much paid for everything themselves. We pitched in a bit, but it wasn't a lot. They paid for the venue, catering, dress, suit, decoration, etc.

Our youngest is engaged and wants a very small intimate ceremony. We're pitching in a bit, probably mostly for the dress, but again, not a lot. Her fiance's mom is all "I'll pay for a huge wedding!!"

It's interesting, during the planning for our wedding 32 years ago, it was getting to be a lot for my in-laws who were paying for everything and helping plan it- my FIL said he'd give us 5k to elope! My wife opted for the big wedding tho 😁

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Junior_Statement_262@reddit

Lol weddings.

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PahzTakesPhotos@reddit

My only married child lived with her boyfriend for over 10 years before they got married. They bought a house together and the whole thing. One day, she realized the 10 year anniversary of them buying their house landed on a Friday the 13th, so they made some rushed plans to get married. They were just going to get married and tell everyone later, but in setting up the calendar, her tech obsessed boyfriend accidentally added it to the huge family calendar on his phone instead of his personal one. He deleted it, but his mom saw it.

It worked out though, we were able to help out- his mom and grandma did the food, I did their wedding photography, my youngest daughter was the officiant, and their brother (middle child) was her Man of Honor. They got married in their backyard.

So, technically, they made the arrangements and we helped out. (this happened in December of 2019, so they were very glad to not have waited much longer).

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MaryAnnZhlotnik@reddit

It’s gonna vary a LOT depending on how much money all parties (bride’s parents, groom’s parents, bride and groom themselves) have. And then of course it will also vary depending on whether it’s a same sex marriage or not. And a myriad of other factors.

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jennbouk@reddit

Our got married a year after we had massive medical bills so our contribution was negligible. We did, however, have a big backyard with huge azaleas and hydrangeas. They had their wedding there, with tables and chairs donated by the fire dept her husband volunteered at and cooked the food for the reception in our kitchen. Our daughter and her best friend made several authentic Italian dishes a few days beforehand after buying everything at Aldi's. Total cost was less than 5K and there 100 guests, give or take.

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jennbouk@reddit

our daughter

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OkSet1048@reddit

no one is getting married anymore. and literally no one has a wedding fund. that's completely made up. so do whatever you want. skip the big wedding and go for a down payment on a house

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Apprehensive-Bag-900@reddit

When I got married my boss (who was an ordained minister via the Internet) signed my marriage license on my lunch break, the wine rep was our witness. Then we both went back to work. He took the form and filed it with the city or something (I never asked). All told probably less than $100, but I hate weddings and I think spending thousands on a party is asinine.

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PumpikAnt58763@reddit

My daughter (27) had moved to Canada to live with her soon to be in-laws over 3 years ago. She lived with their family for 5 months before getting married for almost nothing.
Hubby and I watched over Discord. It was really simple and beautiful.
We paid for their trip when hubby's family went to Disneyland for a week when daughter and her wife had been married for a month.
Our trip cost several times what their wedding cost. Weddings don't have to cost much.

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DryFoundation2323@reddit

It's their wedding. Shouldn't they be the ones to pay for it?

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bamagurl06@reddit

Well that has not been tradition but people are waiting much longer to get married. Which is why they asked. Traditionally the brides family paid for the wedding.

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DryFoundation2323@reddit

Tradition? Are you aware of the group that you're posting in?

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jjschoon@reddit

We paid for my daughter's wedding and his dad paid for the rehearsal dinner.

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thisisstupid-@reddit

We paid for our own. I think it’s customary for parents to contribute an amount that they can afford and if the couple wants more than that they pay for it themselves.

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mydoghank@reddit

Heck I’m just worried about paying for college at this point. My teen is 17 and thankfully is more focused on school than guys. I hope that doesn’t change.😅

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Prior_Wind_1526@reddit

A very large waste of money. People can’t afford houses cars college and then people want big ass wedding?! With 50% divorce rate. Perhaps we should just start divorce attorney registers so people can help pay for breakup.

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Amidormi@reddit

Right, lol. I was recently telling my kid about all his relatives and which ones stayed married for a significant amount of time. Between divorce or early death, it's like 3 couples.

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jesus_chen@reddit

We’re following the “good luck with that” plan just like we worked under with our wedding.

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CaliJaneBeyotch@reddit

Lol, right?? I got married at the courthouse.

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Huskergrandma1@reddit

We spent about $2500 for our oldest daughter's wedding. It was in the chapel of a beautiful historic courthouse. It was just immediate family. We had dinner in a private dining room at a very nice restaurant after. It was beautiful and they loved it. I imagine we'll do the same for our youngest. We'll probably inflation adjust, but not more. It's just not necessary.

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PositiveAd823@reddit

My husband and I have saved/done the same for our kids (paid for a car, a degree, down payments), but man… when does the financial enabling stop? My husband and I paid for our own cars, our own degrees, our own homes, without any financial help growing up, as our parents were immigrants and poor. Yet kids these days, or society, is expecting parents to provide financially… until WHEN EXACTLY?

We are fortunate that we have saved and done well. We told our kids that, as far as the “down payment” ($80k per kid) goes, they could use it for the house or a wedding. We will give NO MORE after this. On our lawyer's advice, he said, spend the rest of your money on ourselves!

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TripMaster478@reddit

The car thing still boggles me. Growing up it wasn't even a thought. It was like "it's Saturday, beg for my mom's POS LeBaron and hope it gets me where I need it too." And they still blame me for it not lasting as long as they wanted it to.

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ZetaWMo4@reddit

I had a daughter get married last month and I have one getting married in August. My husband and I aren’t contributing a dime. We’ve been giving them pieces of their inheritance so if they want to use the funds for that then that’s their business.

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formercotsachick@reddit

I don't think there are any formal rules now. Many couple pay for their own weddings as they are getting married in their 30's/40's and are already financially independent of their parents. Some have smaller "micro" weddings, destination weddings, or elope rather than do the whole elaborate dog-and-pony show. I've noticed a definite turn from the last 15 years or so of huge weddings with 200+ guests to ones that are more intimate and meaningful to the couple.

My daughter has been engaged for over 3 years without a single wedding plan in sight - I told her I would put $125/mo away for our contribution whenever or if ever they are ready. Her fiancée's side is not very well off and will likely contribute little if not nothing. They are both women and have no interest in a big splashy wedding.

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sliders45@reddit

I have a few kids and I'm not paying anything for any of their weddings.

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Amidormi@reddit

My parents refused to pay for college, and told me about it my whole life, and my dad refused to help pay for the wedding because he wasn't paying someone a 'dowelry' (dowry) for me. He's like 4th generation in the US for reference.

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Biguzsdikkus@reddit

I ain't paying for shit. Not because I don't want to, because I'm broke.

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567Anonymous@reddit

We have money set aside for all three of our kids. (Two boys and a girl.). We also are covering college, getting the a car, and giving the money for down payments on a house. My husband does very well, and we live way below our means.

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PositiveAd823@reddit

My husband and I have saved/done the same, but man… when does the financial enabling stop? My husband and I paid for our own cars, our own degrees, our own homes, without any financial help, as our parents were immigrants and poor. Yet kids these days or society is expecting parents to provide until financially… WHEN EXACTLY?

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Aisling207@reddit

Not sure of everyone’s ages on here, but I’m 52 and I only know one person whose parents paid for her wedding (26 years ago). Even my own parents paid for their own wedding in 1965.

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bigredthesnorer@reddit

I have a boy and girl and will contribute to the weddings, not sure how much though. But I will absolutely NOT pay for an "Instagram wedding". I'm seeing friends and relatives put themselves in financial stress to pay for the magical destination wedding. NFW.

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Kitty_Mombo@reddit

I have my kids a choice $25k for wedding or for down payment on condo. All chose condos and they still had lovely simple weddings. Yes, I contributed some to that as well. I am
also lucky I had a good job and all were athletes or had scholarships to college.

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Tall-Nectarine202@reddit

We’re paying for college and I’d rather do that and give them a down payment on a house (or at least part of it). I’m sure we’ll contribute to weddings, but I don’t think we’ll pay all of it (even for our daughter). They’re such a waste of $.

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chartreuse_avocado@reddit

The traditional paying rules are out the window.

Sons or daughters they will likely ask both sets of parents if they are able to co tribute to the wedding and how much. EST scenario is the checks get cut to the couple to be added to their own money and the couple manages all the co tracts and total budget. You might earmark your $ for flowers but couples don’t want additional al decision makers and they certainly don’t want money that comes with strings attached on what flowers, how big or little the arrangements, etc.

Weddings are insane pricing today. Not that they have to be but I read in a Knot.com publication the average wedding is over 30K now.

Obvs. no one has to spend anywhere near that but they’re looking at sit down dinner receptions on a Saturday at an event venue.

If you want sticker shock head over to r/bigbudgetbrides and lurk. 😳

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hikeitaway123@reddit

5k.

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Gene-reader@reddit

I'm sure my husband will pay even though we only have a boy. Back in the early '90s when I got married, it was traditional for the brides family to pay for the wedding. I only had a wedding because my mother and my fiance wanted a wedding. That fiance, my husband of over 30 years, is still the same sentimental man that he was back then. If our son needs money for a wedding I know that we will pay.

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niks4565@reddit

Unless it’s an arranged marriage, I think kids should finance their own wedding. The amounts being spent on one day is outrageous and benefits no one but the wedding industry. I plan to give my kids a nice cash gift which they can spend as they choose. ( hopefully on a house lol)

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FirstDukeofAnkh@reddit

My daughter will have a choice. We can pay up to a certain amount for her wedding or she can have $15,000 and a ladder to elope.

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Ok-Conversation2595@reddit

This!

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Objective_Joke_5023@reddit

I have two sons. One is gay, so I assume I’m paying for at least half of that wedding because there’s no bride’s family. The other son and his GF will probably want something small and chill, and I don’t think her parents will contribute, so I’m fine paying for at least part of that one.

My parents paid for all of mine, except my in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner but let me choose the place, and the honeymoon, which was their wedding gift to us. It wasn’t a huge wedding or a lavish honeymoon, so no one went broke.

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Catnip_75@reddit

We are paying for University down to the last penny. My daughter will likely not even get married and if my son gets married he will have enough money to pay for his own wedding once he finishes law school.

My husband and I spend $3000 on our wedding. There is no way we would support anything lavish and extreme for one day.

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Trolldad_IRL@reddit

My son (26) is getting married next year. Her parents are contributing, but she has been saving for a wedding as well. My son has a good source of income, but we know we will be contributing as needed.

So, everyone involved is paying but they have said they want to fund their own wedding as much as possible.

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RaluT00@reddit

I've already told my 9yr old daughter that we will give her TWICE as much money (for lavish honeymoon travel or a down-payment) if she DOESN'T have a wedding. Small get together with close friends is ok. Weddings are such a money pit... My husband and I married after 8 yrs together, and we had the small get together with close friends and immediate family.

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SpacerCat@reddit

That’s a lot of pressure to put on a 9 year old.

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SageObserver@reddit

I paid for college for my kids. I’m tapped out. If they want to spend to make sure the napkins match the color scheme of their socks, it’s on them.

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Girl77879@reddit

I paid for my own. Was very, very small. My cousins, all mostly paid for their own. (Gen x and millennial). I think one or two got like 2-5k from their parents. But if you'd like to help by setting money aside, keep in mind that a cheap photographer runs minimum 2k, actual quality ones are more. Venues are several thousand. Etc.

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mldyfox@reddit

I doubt my son will get married. I'm not sure about my niece, but she's only 12 now, so who knows?

For my niece, I told my sister I'd be setting her up an education fund because I look at my own student loan situation and go, well, shoot, that's nuts. Gotta find a way to help her somehow. But, I'm not funding a car, that's on her parents. If when she's an adult and getting married and needs a little help and I can, I will.

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Drachenfuer@reddit

What I see a lot of people with both daughters and sons or only sons doing is giving a set amount to the wedding couple, regardless of gender. We plan to do the same (we just have one son). Whatever we can afford when he gets married we will just give to the couple to use as they please. It never sat right with either of us that the bulk of it is usually paid by the parents of the bride. We paid for the vast majority of our own wedding because we were very young and it wasn’t supported by either family. (Jokes on them we been married 32 years) but that is a whole other story.

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Accomplished_Fee5965@reddit

I got married at 26, after graduating and working at my job for a year. I contributed what I had saved up, after paying off my student loans. My dad helped with a majority. In our culture/relgion, the bride’s side takes care of wedding day while groom takes care of reception. My husband paid for reception. I had asked for simple wedding day ceremony and the reception. Husband wanted all the other events, and he paid for them.

Husband also paid for his entitled/useless brother’s daughter’s wedding and the other daughter’s wedding. Entirely.

Hopefully, our son will have a great job and will pay for his reception.

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Awkward-Actuator-596@reddit

Just went through this last year for my oldest. I think it really depends on the kids and the families. I gotta say though I am blessed to have a phenomenal relationship with my daughter in-law long before they were married. From what I could see on social media- my role in helping with thier wedding planning organizing was rare. I was involved in almost every aspect from being there for dress shopping to picking the venue. Financially helping out these days is not so rare for the groom’s parents. We don’t just show up to the ceremony.

I was the first to know my son was planning to propose. He had not so much asked for my permission but help with planning and organizing the logistics. That said I was made aware early on that the plan was to elope to Japan. I kinda lost it - imagine standing in front of the castle at magic kingdom and getting this news…not in a happy cry but an all out WTF are you thinking. Keep in mind she has been in our lives since she was a kid even before they began dating in high school. The result was me informing DIL- regardless of whether or not she married my son, I was going and her parents were going, if she intended to marry my son then our immediate family is ABSOLUTELY going to be there to witness and support them. Turns out it was less about running away to many but fear of wedding planning nonsense and the cost that goes along with it.

And just like that my role was established. The kids were going to be doing this financially mostly on their own. Long story short they wound up with a small destination type wedding, basically eloping with 65 of their closest family and friends. That said I took care of many of the traditional family of the groom expenses - engagement dinner, rehearsal dinner that turned into a welcome party, my son’s tuxedo ect…

The craziness that is modern weddings is stressful and ridiculously expensive especially for unnecessary ridiculous items…seriously no one really needs all these expensive signs, I tried to be the sounding board for sanity…that said I tried to help where I could - for example when they received a quote for flowers that was more than the venue, catering her dress and his tuxedo combined, our girl panicked and said she was doing used artificial flowers… Nope wasn’t happening not on my watch- there was no way I could afford what she was quoted but I spent the following 6 months learning how to DYI them and over the expenses & planning related to florals, aisle decor and tables and venue decor- with final approval from the bride- AND groom -same went with the cake , when they saw the quotes they were going to skip it until I designed a suitable solution and found it at a price I could afford …Essentially I became the wedding planner- things I took care of both planning and expenses, getting her dress veil his tuxedo pressed and ready, bouquet bar instead of bridal shower, transportation for all decorations and desserts to the venue breakfast trays for day of at both the barber/ hair-makeup loctations, stocked the bridal suites with sandwiches etc…

It honestly never crossed my mind that someday I would be mother of the groom, even though I have 2 sons both in serious relationships, so I really wasn’t prepared- I also had pre-conceived notion of who does what as far as parents of the couple and that somewhat went out the window. I also felt strongly that they shouldn’t go into a marriage with debt for the party. Better me than them- what little I financed was paid off in 6 months.

That said I am a little more aware- with my youngest that i maybe, if I am lucky, to step up if asked…

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LayerNo3634@reddit

2 of 3 daughters got married. We always told them we would help plan their wedding and would give them cash. What they didn't spend was theirs to keep, anything over was on them. We gave each $8000. One exchanged vows during a family reunion and just payed for food, drink, decor in the backyard ($6000). The 2nd had a budget wedding in a county owned venue ($9500). Both were nice, but budget affairs. If your looking at a more traditional wedding in a "wedding" venue, budget $25-30k+++. There is no "average" wedding these days, nor are there rules of who pays. Neither of the groom's family contributed. Unwed daughter swears she going to the courthouse and adding the $$ to her honeymoon - Antarctica cruise. I highly suggest you tell your kids NOW, and remind them occasionally: you are making a financial contribution. They can keep any excess, but they pay for any over.

Don't tell them you will pay for the wedding. BIL did that. His daughter and wife went crazy and spent $100k. Brother said the same thing to his daughter and stopped counting at $40k. Then repeated with daughter #2. I love my kids, but simply don't have that kind of money (Brother took it from his 401K and now can't retire). I honestly believe they need to have some "skin in the game" and not a blank check.

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MundaneHuckleberry58@reddit

I have a child of each gender & 1- I can’t really imagine either wanting to get married so….tbd. 2- if they do, we, parents of a woman, can’t afford the whole shebang with weddings as out of control as they are now. 3- we would much rather give them a significant amount of $ for a down payment than a wedding.

So it’ll all be discussed if & when the time comes.

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BawdyBaker@reddit

They paid for their own

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MrSniffles_AnnaMae@reddit

Welp if you are in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you can apply for a Quaker marriage certificate, where you and your spouse announce you are married, sign the paperwork, get your witnesses to sign the paperwork and

BOOM

You’re married. Done.

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Moonsmom181@reddit

All I know is it’s totally out of hand now and I feel for guests and people in the wedding party. Endless gifts, matching clothing, showers, parties before the shower, it’s way too much. Too much FOMO.

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Dusty_Sequins@reddit

The notion that the parents foot the bill for their children’s’ weddings is antiquated and just not feasible for most people these days. My kids know they’re on their own if they decide to get married. I mean sure, I’ll help out a little, but there’s no way I can afford to pay for an entire lavish affair.

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2workigo@reddit

My sons are adultish and not yet in relationships that will likely lead to marriage. My plan is to have the funding discussion when the time comes. I’m hoping the brides’ parents don’t find this uncomfortable but I’d much rather throw all our cards on the table and be real about it from the beginning. It will be a group project and I do expect to help out but I’m also not putting us in a precarious financial situation to do so.

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Different_Farmer_416@reddit

Wow. I hope my kid eloped

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ugglygirl@reddit

No. I have the money but it’s just not part of my value system. Id sooner give them a cash down payment for a house

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Longjumping-Air-7532@reddit

Just paid for both daughter’s weddings in the last 8 months. Both sets of parents on the grooms side helped a lot. Almost 50/50 split for both. First daughter wanted a small immediate family only, ceremony was in arches national park. Younger daughter wanted traditional big party. First one was about $6,000 mostly on photographer and air bnb in Moab. Second one cost well over $15,000 and we did things pretty inexpensively (wedding on a Monday to save venue costs, friends doing the catering, etc…)

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According_Nerve_2525@reddit

3 daughters married in 3 years and we paid for all of them!

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HBJones1056@reddit

One of my friends told her daughters, “I can pay for your college or I can pay for your weddings but I can’t pay for both.” I wish I’d had the foresight to make that declaration a long time ago too. One of my two daughters just got engaged and it sounds like they want a sizeable wedding. We did pay for both girls’ college and first cars and I’m looking at the prices of weddings and hoping they have a plan to fund most of what they want, because we ain’t got it.

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CodeNameFrumious@reddit

Tell her now how much you can afford to contribute, if anything.

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marshdd@reddit

Tell them now so they don't say you dropped it on them later.

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Jas62021@reddit

My husband and I paid for our own wedding. Beholding to no one.
My mother paid towards my sisters wedding. Not a shock
Our daughter will pay for her own wedding. If she marries. We helped pay for her college education.

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CodeNameFrumious@reddit

Turn your children into TikTok influencers. then they can get sponsors.

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junk-yard-rich@reddit

My in-laws paid for my wife and I wedding and I felt bad even though it was Vegas and the meal afterwards was more than the wedding 400.00. Just crossed 25 years of mairrage. They helped for their son’s wedding and spent over 5k just for the bar.

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z44212@reddit

As the father-of-the-bride, I paid for the wedding. We had a $20k budget, which was enough for a very nice, formal evening affair for around a hundred people.

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rr1965@reddit

Our daughter is getting married soon. We're paying for it - 50k budget. Me and the Mrs got married in Vegas...

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IfICouldStay@reddit

Well, my ex and I paid for our own wedding, because we were 30. I’d expect my children to pay for their own if they had one. I’ve always felt the idea of paying for a daughter’s wedding was from the idea that you pay for the son’s education and/or setting him up in business. Need to give the girl something.

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ExtraAd7611@reddit

My wife and I paid for our wedding ourselves. It was a lot of fun -some of our guests referred to it as epic, dare I say - but it wasn't expensive. There's no such thing as a free lunch and I didn't want my parents to control anything.

My wife's parents were not in a situation to be able to contribute so that wasn't a factor.

I'm putting my kids through college, living on campus. They will emerge debt free. I don't really want to spend a lot of money on parties. I'm not certain they will get married anyway. In any case, I think they recognize our frugal nature and priorities and probably feel a lot like we do.

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redfyv@reddit

We paid for the majority of our daughter’s wedding last year and are paying for the majority of our son’s wedding this year. The old idea of bride’s family pays is long dead. Now it’s more of who is willing to do, which in both of our cases was us. Our daughter’s wedding cost around $27,000. It was upscale but not over the top. We did not pay for any bridesmaid dresses or groomsmen suits. Hopefully they pick a potential partner whose parents are at least willing to split the cost.

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quipsNshade@reddit

My kid eloped. They’ve talked about a party but realize it’s meh. Taught her right!!!

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stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit

We paid for our own. My MIL paid for catering if we agreed to have our small wedding in her beautiful backyard. That was a no brainer.

I think the age of the bride/groom matters. We were 29 and 33. We were past the age of ”parents paying” stage. I think that’s a hold over from when people got married too young to have any resources for themselves.

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Prestigious-Cap-78@reddit

Now a days the best option I've heard is a visit to the JP, the down payment from both families to buy a house, and a house warming/congratulations your married BBQ.

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LolaVsPowermanX@reddit

Hopefully, neither of your sons will be getting married for another decade...

My father started a wedding fund account for me while I was about 13. So if that's what you're thinking about, cool.

In our family, we've had 5 weddings the past 2 years with relatives in their 20s, this is how it's worked:

Showers: Bride's family + bridesmaids

Rehearsal Dinner: Groom's family

Wedding: Mostly the Bride's family but the Groom's family paid for either all their invites to the reception or for the amount over their allotment. The Groom (or his family) also picked up the groomsmen expenses. The Bride (or her family) picked up select bridesmaid expenses. In 2 of the weddings, the Groom's family paid for the music because they wanted a specific band or DJ.

Honeymoon: This varied the most with 1 having the Bride's parents paying for it, 1 the Groom's parents paid for it, other 3 the couple had a wedding fund on a website (The Knot) where guests contributed to it.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Thanks. I hope at least another decade. My friends son though who graduated high school May of 2023 just got married. So thought I would ask.

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LHCThor@reddit

The old tradition was the brides parents pay for the wedding, the grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and other stuff. But that tradition goes back 70+ years.

Nowadays, it’s different. I gave each of my kids 10k. I told than that is all I am contributing. They decided how they wanted to spend it.

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WMME@reddit

I'll answer the question you asked. We paid for both weddings for my daughters. Both had approximately 50 guests, so on the smaller side. Wedding #1 was $24,000 and we paid for 100% of it, even the things traditionally covered by the groom's side, even the rehearsal dinner. Wedding #2 is in a month and will be at $32,000 by the time it is complete. The groom's side gifted the couple $10,000 which they are using for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoom. We covered the rest. I hope that answers your question.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit (OP)

Wow.

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mlachick@reddit

That is the last thing I'd be worrying about with kids that age. Young adults are delaying marriage or eschewing it altogether, and the costs are dependent on so many factors.

How are they doing in school? Are they planning on college? Have you considered how this will be funded and talked to them about it?

What about driving? Are you going to sign them up for driver's education? Will you be teaching them to drive? Providing a vehicle for them to use? What will be the boundaries set for driving?

How are your boys doing mentally? It's a very tough time for young people all around, and boys in particular are at high risk of being sucked into some very dark parts of the Internet. Do you have open lines of communication with your boys to discuss how they feel about issues of gender and sexuality, respect and consent?

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wildmstie@reddit

An appointment with the Justice Of The Peace is cheap, and you're just as married as the people who blew twenty grand on a wedding.

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stpaul1777@reddit

Yes! Go on a decent honeymoon but leave the expensive, stressful weddings for someone else!

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Available-Bison-9222@reddit

We paid for our own wedding. Parents gave us some money as a gift, probably close to 10% of the total cost. We didn't have an extravagant wedding.

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Russian_Doll_888@reddit

I do a lot of financial planning and one of the things that most of my clients set aside funds for is a wedding, regardless of whether they have a son or daughter. It ends up depending on a lot of factors how much they pay, but it is usually a "pot" they give to their kids and they decide what to do with it. I've seen the best outcomes with this type of plan as suddenly the money is the kids' money and they start thinking of it as a finite pool and typically choose smaller weddings and opt for a better honeymoon or saving it. I've seen wealthy families pay for the whole thing regardless.

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cantbelieveiwtchthis@reddit

Been married almost 32 years, it was traditional back then, but our church was free, I used fake flowers, bought wedding dress at a used consignment place, borrowed decorations, no big dinner or party. Basically, got away with only spending like $2,000. Our kids are now older, dating, but not engaged yet. We already told them we cannot afford a big wedding for them. We can kick in a tiny bit, but not much, we've spent all our money raising them and getting them through college, lol. they 100% understand, they will have to make wise financial decisions and do what is within their budget.

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Edman70@reddit

As far as I know, it's still the family of the bride. Weddings can get outrageous, and we grew up not-rich, so my parents decided they would give the same amount to all their kids (3 girls and me, the last, and only boy).

We've carried that on. My daughter got married first - we gave her $xx towards the wedding, and then did the same when my son got married six months ago. My wife helped daughter prep the day, and my daughter-in-law got the same from her mother.

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inafishbowl17@reddit

We gave our daughter and SIL 10K towards the wedding. Bought the gown @ 2K and paid 1.5K for the wedding shower. They got money off his parents too.

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Ray_The_Engineer@reddit

I have 2 daughters in their mid-20's. They are both career and friend-oriented, so marriage isn't likely in the short term. If they wait until their 30's and then decide to get married, we may "help out", but I doubt we'll pony up for the whole thing, while we're trying to retire.

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Cute_Conclusion_1355@reddit

We paid half and my parents paid half…it was less than 10,000…but that was 10ish years ago. Our daughter is nine months old so I have time, we are saving for her college right now.

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Conscious_Border3019@reddit

We've been married 15 years, first marriage for both. We paid for our own wedding. People are getting married later than they used to, on average. Seems silly for retired parents to pay for weddings for 30 somethings. Save for your retirement first and their education second.

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Mycatreallyhatesyou@reddit

My oldest is engaged and there’s no way I can pay for that wedding. If they want a big one they’ll have to pay themselves.

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WasabiChickpea@reddit

I paid for my own wedding.

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AnneChovie264@reddit

Focus on your retirement savings and if you have extra, focus on their college or other education. You can't take out a loan for retirement. My elderly mother even puts money toward her grandkids' retirement savings, but not college.

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Feisty-Cloud5880@reddit

I'd be more worried about teaching them how to be good men vs anything else. Teach them about both bodies and how they work. Definitely show them how babies are born. Teaching them to be good partners. How to communicate. How to step away for a moment. How to do more than "mow the lawn!! This is a good start.

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Jude_the_obscurest@reddit

I think traditionally its still the brides family pays for the wedding, grooms family pays for rehearsal dinner. BUT I think it depends on a lot of factors. We had a lot of girls in our family and no way could we pay for weddings for everyone, so we agreed on a number and offered that. The kids paid the rest themselves. I also think if your kids are in their 30's when they get married already live together, etc, rules can be different. You need to do what seems fair and right for your family. I told my kids it costs 50.00 to get married, the rest is just a party. And they had the parties, and they were wonderful, but I feel like there is so much pressure to have the big over the top wedding and it doesnt make sense to go into debt to have that party.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

Uh, my priority is paying for University for my 18M. Lol.

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tanhauser_gates_@reddit

I paid for mine. My parents kicked in for the alcohol. I will probably do the same for my kids.

Partner's neice just had hers and the parents kicked in way too much. I could see the bill climbing with every minute of the reception.

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tultommy@reddit

My wedding cost about $175 including the license and the tip we gave our friend for officiating. The park cost nothing, and we went out to eat for the reception. Then we went on a fantastic two week honeymoon where we got to enjoy our money for more than a couple of hours.

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