Can you say “I need a poo” like you would “I need a wee” when going to the toilet?
Posted by Charming_Usual6227@reddit | AskABrit | View on Reddit | 420 comments
Helena_Handcart1@reddit
TMI.
Jealous-Attorney-223@reddit
Just say I need the 🚽 toilet. I don't need the details.With small kids ask if it's No.1 or No.2 to avoid unpleasant surprises.🤹🤹🤹
iamgoin@reddit
For some reason we consider it impolite as us Brits like to pretend like it isn’t a human need to fart or poo so we just don’t talk about it. 😂Generally I prefer to say “I’m going to the toilet” or “I’m going to the loo” because then they know where I’m going but they get to assume what I’m doing in there. I usually announce it to my partner because he’s the type of person who will just walk into the bathroom while I’m in there and I’d prefer him not to do that while I’m shitting, but other than that I just tell people that I’m going to the toilet.
brushfuse@reddit
There is rhyming slang to avoid any awkwardness. 🤭
Terrible_Tap_4385@reddit
I’m gonna release a brown trout back to the wild
Snecklad@reddit
Snip off a bum cigar
Acceptable-Sentence@reddit
I’ve a very important meeting with the Arabs
Alone-Ad-4283@reddit
Mustafa Krap?
Acceptable-Sentence@reddit
Mustafa Shiite
Alone-Ad-4283@reddit
Going to launch a U-Bend U-Boat
Rebuilding-Bethy@reddit
We've lost R2
FunkMonkeyMan@reddit
Bombing the coast
PozzieMozzie@reddit
Off to flush a shipping hazard
Independent-Ad-3385@reddit
or the harbour
Defiant-Smallfolk@reddit
Off for an Eartha Kitt
jameilious@reddit
That reminds me of a time in an aeroplane bathroom
Don_The_Bass@reddit
Taxi for Mr. Brown
Don_The_Bass@reddit
Park my breakfast
FunkMonkeyMan@reddit
Going on the log flume
MooMF@reddit
The turtle’s sticking its head out of the shell.
FootballPublic7974@reddit
Going to see Tom Tit.
Even_Jello_624@reddit
Off to lay some cable
stinkyswife@reddit
Drop some bodies into the bay (that one came into practice whilst binging Dexter)
tingolore1@reddit
Going to honk out a dirt snake
AtebYngNghymraeg@reddit
Dropping the kids off at the pool.
sianacomplex@reddit
I do
BroodLord1962@reddit
I just say I need to toilet, there is no need to specify why
Fantastic-Band-5082@reddit
I need a shite.
BarryIslandIdiot@reddit
Who would you be saying it to? Because I probably wouldn't announce to a table in a restaurant. But it is grammatically correct
strawberrychief@reddit
Your mum, if you are under 5.
Do_You_Like_Owls@reddit
I like to announce my bowel movements to myself to ensure I'm not surprised.
abibofsweat@reddit
Literally nothing worse than a suprise poo
stinkyswife@reddit
I sometimes have surprise poos when having a wee. A pleasure men who stand to wee don't get to experience!
abibofsweat@reddit
Oh I hate that! If you just go for a wee you don't take any form of entertainment because you know you wont be there long but if you suddenly need a suprise poo what are you meant to do while you're there? These things need to be accounted for!
puchungu@reddit
You read shampoo bottles like back in the good times
Snav1@reddit
That is exactly how I discovered the joy of reading on the toilet 😋
Rachieash@reddit
I used to do this too 😂.
abibofsweat@reddit
but that means getting up mid poo!
SeaworthinessBig4586@reddit
Like 90% of people reading this aren't currently taking a dump
Jacktheforkie@reddit
I’ve had that happen a few times, sit down for a piss while I’m brushing my teeth and suddenly end up having a poo
Sure_Elevator3191@reddit
And you have a brush handy
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Lol
abibofsweat@reddit
glad I'm not the only one who sits down to brush my teeth
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Nice, I take a leak while doing it because it’s convenient
abibofsweat@reddit
Might as well while you're there!! 😂
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Plus brushing my teeth is something I do immediately before bed
abibofsweat@reddit
cleaning your teeth and a tactical wee before bed! Excellent game plan!
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Yeah
ukteaboyuk@reddit
Better a seated piss, than a standing shite, as my old mum to say!
Flat_Tie4090@reddit
Obviously a very wise woman.
abibofsweat@reddit
I think that goes without saying, nobody wants to fill their shoes with turds.
MouldyAvocados@reddit
Had one of those yesterday. Tried out a new pre-workout. Just over halfway through a 14k run, had to phone my husband because I’d sharted. He arrived with a bin bag on the passenger seat 🥹
SubjectAd9940@reddit
Now that’s true love!
abibofsweat@reddit
when my partner and I were first together I had a feeding tube that went up my nose and into my small bowel to give me nutrition. All my medications were liquid and had to go down the tube, a couple of them used to "loosen" my bowels a bit. One night I was staying over, I had done my meds and all seemed well. We went to sleep. However a few hours later I woke up and smelt a smell. I'd done the mother of all liquid suprise poo's, before my partner could put the light on I dashed to the bathroom to see the mess my liquid poo had wraught. I crumpled my pyjamas up in a ball intending to burn them at a later date. I went back in the bedroom and my partner was awake and asked what happened and I told him that I had left the lid off my feeding tube and my stomach contents had come out all over me and the bed. He took me at my word and I never told him that theres no way poo can come back up out of the feeding tube. My presiding memory will be of my gorgeous fiancé on his hands and knees trying to scrub my liquid shit off the mattress. That was 7 years ago and I've never told him the truth.
pharmamess@reddit
I think most people would disagree.
abibofsweat@reddit
Really? You think most people enjoy a surprise poo? Or any poo? I have bowel conditions so when I poo its usually utter carnage.
pharmamess@reddit
I'm not sure what's puzzling you? People find surprises exciting and entertaining. They always have.
abibofsweat@reddit
As I said maybe its because my poo's are traumatic!
timfountain4444@reddit
That's the original definition of a surprise - A fart with lumps in it.
bored_heretic@reddit
Sensible
Pleasant-Put5305@reddit
It's the sort of announcement David Mitchell might make in an emergency.
OG-87@reddit
What is this Borat 😂😂😂
randobonando@reddit
I need the loo should cover it no? I don’t need to know what you’ve gone in there for.
Legit_Vampire@reddit
When my son was 4 we were in a restaurant my husband left to 'use the loo' came walking back to the table a little while later to the sounds of my son shout across to him "you been for a cack dad?" I just slid under the table with embarrassment
not_depressed_123@reddit
I would! Then again I’m an asshole
SpecialLengthiness29@reddit
I beg to differ, "a wee" would typically be understood as the act of urination, " a poo" is commonly understood to mean the brown matter eminating from the anus. "I need to do a poo" is grammatically less ambiguous.
brumav78@reddit
Wouldn't the correct grammar be "I need to do a poo"? If you just say "I need a poo", you should almost expect the question "For what?!" 😂
dhardyuk@reddit
Have one of mine.
Grey_Belkin@reddit
No, because then the joke about the baker kneading a poo wouldn't work.
Constant_Phone5487@reddit
Good point.
Asleep-Software-4160@reddit
Beavis had a thing to say about 'take a dump' vs 'leave a dump'.
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
It’s just slang so not the usual grammar rules :P
ParsnipMammoth1249@reddit
To your mum, when you're three
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Me and my family say this to each other all the time if we’re hanging around together
Thatchers-Gold@reddit
As a bloke with a little sister I’ve been asking “good poo?” when she’s returned to any table in any setting for almost 30 years
awesome69sauce@reddit
all these commenters are boring, when I'm with my boyfriend we will regularly say "I need a poo!!!" to each other. say we're in the car or some other situation where we can't use the toilet yet. "my housemates using the bathroom but I really need a poo!!" "I'm so sleepy and tucked in bed but now I need a poo D:" "hang on I'll be back in a second I need a poo". sure, when I'm at work i will tell my coworkers "ooh hang on I'll just be a minute" or "back in a second I just need the loo a moment" or what have you. but the people im close to are allowed to know I need a poo (it's a perfectly normal phrasing that doesn't come across as funny or amusing from the grammar of it, it's just that announcing need for a poo is, apparently, seen as atypical)
Excellent-News8297@reddit
I work with children, I very often ask (multiple times a day), do you need a wee or a poo?
Alarmed-Rip6954@reddit
No you say I need a dump
Local_Beautiful3303@reddit
It very much depends on the situation and the people you're with, however I generally say I need the loo... nobody needs specifics
Sonarthebat@reddit
Yeah.
Agreeable_Pool_3684@reddit
If you were 2 years old, yes
Ancient-Awareness115@reddit
In our house we do as we only have 1 bathroom and 3-5 adults so you need to let people know if you are going to be a while. Also say do you need a wee before my daughters have showers as that can be an hour
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
An hour. WTF?
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Unlikely that she is literally running water the whole time. Exfoliating your body, face , shaving your body, conditioning hair and shampooing, post shower lotioning. and other stuff can take a while. Lots of women do their more messy beauty stuff when theyre showering because it’s easier to clean up. Anyone who doesn’t do that would assume they’re showering the whole time so fair play to you.
I don’t do this stuff but have 4 sisters
tiptoe_mouse@reddit
My daughter has waist length curly hair. She spends a substantial amount of time in the shower detangling her hair. She also has the water running because otherwise she'll get cold. Luckily her hair only needs washing twice a week.
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
Oh, trust me, they (my daughters) run it the whole time. I have the electric consumption figures in the Octopus app to prove it, with data updated in 10s intervals. It’s a 10kW shower so 20 minutes costs about £1 on my electric tariff. If they both take 20 minute showers every day, that’s £60 a month just on them showering.
TBF, it’s not my daughters who are in there an hour, that was another poster. But they can certainly be there 20 minutes.
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Oh god I am genuinely sorry. That’s actually mental. My family were / are all very strict about the water bill. Use as much as you need but don’t waste it mindset and we’d bang on the door to keep each other in check occasionally.
They’ll learn the hard way once they’re paying their own bill I suppose. As will my son with his endless ps5 playing
MeatGayzer69@reddit
I dread that one day I may be forced to pay for water I use rather than just a monthly fee regardless of use
Temporary_Ad_986@reddit
For girls we legit need longer showers
MsAndrea2@reddit
British households usually have electric showers so running a tank down isn't a consideration.
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
I have one of each - but it’s a stretch to say ‘usually electric’. They are certainly common, but I don’t think it’s a big majority overall. Probably more common in flats as they often don’t have gas.
Anyway, the original bathroom in our house has a separate toilet next door. It’s a far better arrangement, waiting bloody ages when desperate for a dump, while a teenage daughter stands under an electric shower wasting money for an hour, is just horrific. I am *so* glad it’s arranged that way, even though we do now have another toilet in the house.
MsAndrea2@reddit
They make uo nearly half of all installed showers, as opposed to tank or gas showers. If someone has a shower, it's more likely to be elevtric than anything else.
mrbullettuk@reddit
You contradicted yourself there, nearly half is not more than likely. It’s less than half.
MsAndrea2@reddit
Given it's nearly half with more than one other option it's still the most likely. Is this not understanding how statistics work day?
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
The question was electric vs other types. One type, against all others combined. It’s you who seems to be on a not understanding statistics day. If it’s less than half, then if you took 1000 houses it would be more common for any one house to *not* have an electric shower than it would be to have one.
AccordingBasket8166@reddit
You mean a mixer with a combi or system boiler with a pump?
Or those white wall boxes which are modern equivalent of coal from father christmas
TheRealTabbyCool@reddit
Most of us have combi boilers anyway, so there’s no tank to empty, it’s just hot water on demand!
MsAndrea2@reddit
Yep, that's the second most common option. You have to have good water pressure for that to work upstairs, so for most people it doesn't work, you need a separate pump or very high water pressure to start with. But in flats, or bungalows, it's the obvious answer.
TheRealTabbyCool@reddit
We’re in a house and it’s never been an issue for us, pressure is good upstairs and downstairs.
Free_Ad7415@reddit
I have never seen an electric shower in the UK other than in office / gym showers so I do not think that is true at all.
MsAndrea2@reddit
This is official stats.
Free_Ad7415@reddit
I have, I can’t find stats on this anywhere
ragnarkarlsson@reddit
Every home I've lived in, or visited, for nearly half a century has an electric shower. Mira or Triton showers are very common place in my experience.
Ancient-Awareness115@reddit
They are not in the shower for an hour, if they were my husband would turn off the boiler. But doing things like face masks and hair treatments
RubberOrange@reddit
I never understood how people need a long time to poo. You poo, wipe, wash your hands - done! What's taking so long?
MeatGayzer69@reddit
You never had one of those half a toilet roll or full pack of toilet wipes shits?
auntie_eggma@reddit
Lucky. Fucking. You.
Jesus.
ChallengingKumquat@reddit
Same. When i need a poo, I can be in and out in under 3 minutes. But I think some people have to sit there straining and pushing and waiting and grunting and straining some more. And I've noticed that the longer a person spends pooping, the more it absolutely STINKS after they're done.
tucnakpingwin@reddit
If it takes longer to poo than to wipe after, there’s a problem, and it’s called lack of fibre!
RubberOrange@reddit
I think lack of fibre isn't it?
Makes me laugh because it's the people who go WHAT ABOUT PROTEIN at vegans and veggies(we get plenty, thanks) who probably don't get enough fibre and spend half an hour producing stinky shits
ChallengingKumquat@reddit
Haha, I am a veggie! Maybe that's the reason I'm done so quickly!
Fantastic-Pear6241@reddit
I have Crohn's disease, damaged bowels means it can take time.
LucyThought@reddit
Some people are very inefficient and have learnt bad practice - ideally should be done in about a minute.
Ancient-Awareness115@reddit
Don't ask me, I am not in there that long
Jacktheforkie@reddit
A single bog in a 4 person household is a real annoyance, someone always needs it while I’m mid poo
MissionLet7301@reddit
We had 1 between 6 when I was growing up and to be honest I don't know how we managed it. Luckily the toilet and shower were in a different room.
RoohsMama@reddit
We had 1 for 8 people. I don’t know how but definitely we siblings would shout at someone if they’re taking too long.
Dutch_Slim@reddit
My best friend was one of 6 kids, her eldest sister also had a child. 3 bedroom house, 1 toilet!
Her dad had to divide the living room to give her sister with the baby their own room.
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Wow, we’re struggling with one between 3 people
SnooCalculations385@reddit
We went from 4 people and one bog, to 4 people and 3 bogs as I fitted a downstairs one and an en suite. Honestly the best thing I ever did to the house. All those years I spent with the kids barging in to use the loo when I was in the shower or having a bath. Or people hoping around waiting for their turn in the bathroom. And now 3/4 of the family can do synchronised shitting if we need to. Absolute luxury.
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Nice
FootballPublic7974@reddit
Better than mid wank!
Jacktheforkie@reddit
I do that in my bedroom
Adelucas@reddit
Damn. If me or my sister were more than about 15 minutes mom would turn the water off.
lostandfawnd@reddit
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Haha we have 3 now but still announce ourselves but also if means you don’t have family members shouting for you
jajay119@reddit
You CAN.
I wouldn’t, like.
SorryDescription8688@reddit
i exclaim that i need a shit before i go to take a piss.
OG-87@reddit
No. Just say you need a wee like a normal person.
Neat-Ostrich7135@reddit
Yes, but i wouldn't. In polite company we don't talk about faeces. In impolite company I would say I'm bursting for a shit.
After working in sewage treatment for years I always hated when people would ask over dinner "what do you do for a living?"
CauseOptimal8501@reddit
Haha! What do you say? Dying to know
Neat-Ostrich7135@reddit
Normally try to change the subject and tell them later.
Or i could go into a detailed explanation on the sustain if solids from water and how poo is cooked and the waste turned into fertiliser and methane, if pushed.
dan_in_his_own_way@reddit
Why not just say you're popping to the loo? Why the need to be specific lol.
HughWattmate9001@reddit
i usually say "dropping the kids off", "got a turtle poking out" or some other random saying. Never say wee, always piss or slash.
slashersister69@reddit
My two children (14 & 11) will say they are going for a poo, at home or away from home. They have no shame, which I love.
For me as an adult, I just couldn't! I can't poo away from my home. Bowels completely disassociate. In home, I will always say "going for a wee"... when I use "going to the toilet" the kids know what's going on 😆
richard-bingham@reddit
Fortnight in Lanzarote this year?
slashersister69@reddit
Never been away from home for two weeks to be fair (havent the money to go away for so long, or leave the UK), so I've no idea the outcome 😆. However I did go away for a week and not one piece of crap left my body the entire time.
Or, where you inviting me on holiday?! 😆🤣
YakEfficient3200@reddit
ngl there's some intersection of brain rot and phd candidates in my circles I've heard someone go "I need to excrete an obese turgitation" and at the other end of it there was "I need to take the fattest of shits" and "gonna make the toilet chug until it chokes"
Someones I question my life choices but we're all laughing regularly so it could always be worse I suppose.
(yes, to the orignal post. Shite also works north of newcastle.)
FeistyTradition5714@reddit
In Scotland we say "am away furra jobbie"
nemetonomega@reddit
Must be regional. It's more "am awa fur a shite" here
FeistyTradition5714@reddit
We also say shite, but I think "jobby/jobbie" sounds somehow durtier
Silver_Emu4704@reddit
Grammatically, yes. Socially, no.
I'd stick with "I need to drop the kids off at the pool" or "The turtle is getting curious, I need to curl a Richard."
sho21na@reddit
Only if you're 4 years old
DuckCritical@reddit
Not being funny, but what is the context here?
stepho86@reddit
Technically yes but it would be really impolite 🤣
numblittlebunny@reddit
I mean, yes, but I’m going to pull a face because it’s a TMI.
ThinkLadder1417@reddit
To a few close friends, my partner or my toddler, not to anyone else
Eddie_F_17@reddit
Why would your friends want to know that?
CommercialPug@reddit
Nevermind that why does the toddler need to know 😂
Wild_Wolverine9526@reddit
To try to put them off disturbing your loo time…it doesn’t work, they just hand you the loo roll in my experience (the lock is broken).
spinzzi@reddit
Because we're mentally about 7 and think it's funny
Wild_Wolverine9526@reddit
Depends who you are with, where you are, and how open a person you are. With very close people, yes I would say it. With most people, no I would not.
TheCookieMonsterYum@reddit
It's better to say I need a dump. Or I need to drop a log.
My_sloth_life@reddit
Drop the kids off at the pool.
SkunkDiplo@reddit
Just say 'I need the loo', it covers both scenarios.
NoPair4650@reddit
Yep
la_lupetta@reddit
You can, but people get funny about it
HairyArse00@reddit
I always inform my wife and kids when im going for a dump. And for some reason the kids appear not long after I sit down.
Past_Fee_1139@reddit
I say it. But, only in the voice of an 87 year old Yorkshireman. Any other way is a bit weird
Alone-Firefighter283@reddit
Yes, my toddler frequently says this
Palealedad@reddit
It's not incorrect, but it's both childish and somewhat crude. Maybe to friends, but not people you have just met.
HopeTerminator@reddit
I work with someone who always says she needs go "pay a visit."
Like bitch it's not the victorian times just say you're off to the bog.
wolfbane523@reddit
My husband just says he's off for a crap. I just say I need to use the toilet
Redeemed_Mess84@reddit
I’d say depends on context;
At home with your immediate family while watching a movie; good to be specific so you can pause the move and they know how long you’ll be gone. Maybe they can make a cuppa while waiting?
With anyone else it’s too much information and will gross people out. Really they don’t even need to know you’re going for a wee, just that you you’re going to the toilet. Because by saying “I need a wee” when you go for a wee by default means that when you don’t specify that it’s a wee, it must be something else.
No-Snow-9605@reddit
Ofcourse I can say it,but would I say it ? The answer is no.
Solilaqui78@reddit
I do 🤷🏽♀️
Theboyjones70@reddit
On the work chat, you need to establish a rough length of time you will be missing from your desk.
Urinate = "just popping for a quick burst" = 2 minutes.
Defecate = "toilet break. I may be gone some time." = up to 15.
Obviously then you share a photo if it's a particularly bulbous specimen or describe how the UN are sending Hans Blix in if it's a nasty one.
Visual_Journalist_20@reddit
you can say either if you're younger than 5. Otherwise it's TMI
SWL83@reddit
I’d say I am going to poo as let’s them know why away longer than a piss
WelcomeToTheNorth12@reddit
We do in our house, but we're definitely an anomoly as I have an inflammatory bowel disease and also a small child. Two types of that are probably more vocal than average about toileting 🫣
My 3 year old goes one step further and tells everybody how many turds he's expecting.
Alternative_Try_5888@reddit
Go for the more elegant approach and say you’re touching cloth or you’ve got a turtle head popping out. Be classy
blimeyoreilly23@reddit
No, just say where you're going, no one wants the much info.
Winter_Cabinet_1218@reddit
Just shout there's a turtle head touching cloth
New_Factor2568@reddit
If you’re under 5 it’s universally fine. Between 5 and 10 only to your mum or similar.After that it’s probably best not to give details of what you’re going to do.
DanteRuneclaw@reddit
No. Neither of those is correct, grammatically, socially, or any other way.
Bagel-luigi@reddit
Depends who you're with.
With my partner? Sure, she'll be cool with it
With family and/or friends? Nah i ain't telling them that out loud.
Emotional-Ad-2571@reddit
Only if you’re a child. If you’re an adult then it’s called needing a shit.
AnxiousAppointment70@reddit
You could, but we prefer euphemisms, like "I'm going to see a man about a dog", "I need to pay a visit", "nature calls" or with closer fam/friends, "need a dump" "got a log to drop" etc
smellyfeet25@reddit
"Going for an Eartha " (Eertha kitt) Jim Royle
a good one is "a potato head is growing out the back"
MikeyWrapz@reddit
"Back in a bit, I'm off for a shit" usually works
Flat_Tie4090@reddit
Loving the poetry.
Scarlet-Ladder@reddit
I wouldn't say it in public ever, but my husband and I routinely say "I'm off to have a shite" to eachother.
Flat_Tie4090@reddit
Oh that is so romantic.
Narcrus@reddit
It would be an odd thing to say if you are older than 5 however.
sometimes_point@reddit
my mum told me when she was potty training me to tell her every time i needed so she could help me out. i was still telling her up until the age of about 10 when it finally clicked that it was weird. in retrospect im astonished that i never got checked for some kind of neurodivergence in childhood. (tbh probably i was but i didn't meet the criteria in the 90s)
headlesschicken1612@reddit
32 and told my mum a hour ago I need a mega piss. It never ends 🤣
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Just a bit of fun tbh.
anxiousthroway85@reddit
Or younger than 90
headlesschicken1612@reddit
I mean definitely depends on who it is your talking to
To my sister I say" I have to shits"
But anyone else who isn't immediate family it's I need the bathroom
Flat_Tie4090@reddit
Too much information. Nobody wants to know about other folks poo.
D3M0NArcade@reddit
M'off fer a shit!
criminalsunrise@reddit
You certainly can and my daughter often does it. That would be quite sweet if she was 4 … sadly she’s 34 so it’s a little bit weird.
ruthjoylandlady@reddit
My three year old does on a daily basis.
future_now3000@reddit
Yes
ukteaboyuk@reddit
It depends on who you're with and the occasion. For example, on meeting a new girlfriend's parents for the first time, no. But also, not with your mates, who would never, ever let you forget your dainty choice of language. If you down the pub, you would forever be known as a 'dirty bastard' for having a shit whilst with your mates. And 'going for a poo'... no, the British dialect is far richer than that: Snapping one off Crimping off a length Backing one out Dropping the kids at the pool And so on.
No-Daikon3645@reddit
If you are 5. Otherwise, why would you need anyone else to know?
CockWombler666@reddit
“Curl one down”
AbiLovesTheology@reddit
I say it around my family but try not to in public places. sometimes slips out by accident
terryturbojr@reddit
To my family and mates, yes.
To my colleagues, probably not.
Aggressive-Artist-63@reddit
“Dropping the kids off at the pool” is a better alternative
Hawkstreamer@reddit
No. Absolutely not. "I'm just going to the loo" is better.
Warm_Stress_1654@reddit
You can, but "excuse me for a while" is more socially acceptable.
I mean, you can go outside to fart but it's normal to say that you just need a breath of fresh air, you know?
CptPJs@reddit
in my house we say "I'm just popping to the loo" for a wee and "hang on, I need... the toilet" (the dramatic pause is essential) for a poo
so you definitely can say that but it might have to be to someone you know particularly well
drifter129@reddit
You can if you're in pre-school
Training_Ad9049@reddit
I'm off for a Shit, I'm off to give birth, drop the kids off a the pool, release the tortoise, popping one out! To name but a few.
pcor@reddit
You can. You can also just say you need to go to the toilet. There is, despite the apparently common misconception, no compulsion for you to announce your planned activities there.
JK07@reddit
A mate of mine always says "I'm just going to the toilet... For a piss out my cock."
Prestigious-Age-3644@reddit
Fuck what's that a reference to again? Definitely from a sketch I've seen
AtebYngNghymraeg@reddit
"Just off to the bathroom for a wank"
Eddie_F_17@reddit
No…
Maurice_Foot@reddit
“Excuse me ladies and gen, members of the press, I need to powder my bum nose.” /Groucho Marx voice
Prestigious-Age-3644@reddit
People tend to say "I need to squeeze the cheese" in a polite setting.
Oldsoldierbear@reddit
Of you could just get up and say"I'll be back in a minute"
Most folk aren't interested in other people's toilet needs.
Eddie_F_17@reddit
Most, but you can’t assume.
FluteGunner@reddit
I wouldn’t announce it anyway, I’d just go.
But if I had to, depends what company I’m in.
Close friends or my partner - I’m going for a shit.
Work colleagues or casual acquaintances - I am going to the bathroom.
Shot-Specialist-9841@reddit
Asking the real questions now mate
Audiclint@reddit
At work and home - yes. When visiting or socialising - no!
Creative_Zone5653@reddit
I never would in polite company, but amongst friends it is the norm for us to announce when we are off to evacuate our bowels. And then the standard procedure ‘that was horrific’ when we return.
Motor-Platform295@reddit
The mole is in reception
old--oak@reddit
Excuse me I need to use the toilet, what you then decide to do in the toilet should stay there.
cdh79@reddit
Say what you want bud. Your log, your bog. Your poo, your loo. Possible best not to jump up suddenly in church during a funeral and shout "CODE BROWN IN TROUSER TOWN", but you do you, just make sure its cleaner in there than you found it.
Adventurous-Dog-3786@reddit
Depends on who you’re talking to ! Your partner then yes, colleagues ? No !
nineteenthly@reddit
People don't generally like it when you say exactly what you're going to do in the toilet, so I wouldn't say either except to my partner.
TicksAndBricks@reddit
Just dropping the kids at the pool...
Safe-Professional556@reddit
"I am going to the toilet... I may be some time..."
Whether I need a poo or I have a good book (or doomscrolling Reddit) is up to whoever hears me say it to imagine.
ben_jamin_h@reddit
Yes you can say that, however I prefer the distinction of:
I'm going for a wee
I'm going to the loo
You don't actually need to say the words, but it's obvious which is which so people can adjust their expectations as to how long you'll be
Raisinsandfairywings@reddit
One of my favourite quirks of my 2 year old’s developing speech is that she’s not quite got the hang of when to use “for” and when to use “to”. So she often asks things like “can we go for a park?” or “why don’t we go for a cafe?”.
ben_jamin_h@reddit
That is super cute. "Can we go to the walk?"
Raisinsandfairywings@reddit
She actually seems to have grown out of that one! That and “can we go to crafts?” has become “can we go for a museum?” (she likes to do some crafts at the museum).
GoldiBlogs@reddit
Sounds like a very intelligent little girl. Well done!
ben_jamin_h@reddit
I could go for a museum any time, your kid has great tastes!
DamagedButRepairable@reddit
I like to announce my bowel movements with a song and dance.
The other restaurant customer don't seem to mind as long as I return with a 2nd song telling them how it went (liquidy? solid and required a good push?) etc.
National_Back_1658@reddit
I think it depends on how close you are to the person you're telling it to. Co-worker? No. Close friend? Maybe. Wife? No- go for dropping the kids off at the pool - slightly classier
cutluv@reddit
Yes! I like that you use the term 'wee' - I hate how lots of Brits have adopted the US term 'pee'.
CagedSwan@reddit
I think both statements sound a little childish, as they are both things we say out loud when we are little. I would just say 'I need to visit the toilet', the rest is TMI lol
RareBrit@reddit
'I am going to cast Churchill's reflection', is a perfectly acceptable term
UglyFilthyDog@reddit
No, if I was at a restaurant or professional setting I'd say something like "Right folks, gonna go take a massive dump or I'll shit myself right here and now. Let me know if you want me to leave you a line in the cubicle".
At home it's just "Right, just gonna plop to the shops for a minute."
Jazzlike-Basil1355@reddit
I’m going to wash my hands
dopaminecollector@reddit
Haven’t you asked this question before?
Expert-Tie-1530@reddit
Say very little apart from I need the toilet/Loo No need to announce your intentions.
Deuce03@reddit
"I need to lose some weight. I may be some time."
Bdroyle1988@reddit
Got a Code: Brown situation
bonshui@reddit
I couldn't say that even to my closest loved one.
AdThat328@reddit
To who?
deniewibly@reddit
“I’m off to grow a tail”
Intelligent-Reply-97@reddit
Turtlin
Unable_Obligation_73@reddit
Only if you need a poo if you need a poo but then have a wee you will have some trouble especially if you are a male
Ok-Hovercraft9348@reddit
I wouldn't say either. Nobody needs to know what you're doing in there and nobody wants that image in their mind
SpaceSquirrl@reddit
You generally wouldn’t in public, or in a social setting as it would be seen as too much information! In my house, we either “need to pee” (wee - I think pee might be a regional thing?) or “need the loo”, which we then assume is more than a wee.
Majestic_Rhubarb_@reddit
You can
twospoons11@reddit
No
Left-Ad-3412@reddit
My five year old does... So I guess you CAN.... As an adult... It's more whether you SHOULD
Raisinsandfairywings@reddit
I always feel a bit ridiculous saying to my child “do you need a poo?”. And even more so when I occasionally insist in desperation “I need a poo!!!” to try and get her to understand that I really just need five minutes in the bathroom without an audience.
Willing-Rest-758@reddit
When i worked in retail (started when i was 29) i made a point of verbally informing my nearest co-workers that "i need a poo-poo" before toddling off to crimp off a bog sausage. I did it just to amuse myself and weird them out cos it was boring as fuck. 😄😄😄
quite_acceptable_man@reddit
From now on i will be using the phrase 'crimp off a bog-sausage' when announcing to my colleagues where I'm going.
Even_Jello_624@reddit
I always announce it to my wife. Mainly because it winds her up.
quite_acceptable_man@reddit
Me too!
As in I announce it to my wife, not yours.
And her response is exactly the same every time: Rolls her eyes and says "I really don't need to know".
BorisJohnson0404@reddit
I’m going to go and take a shit
Hulbg1@reddit
Yes or I need a shit, number 2, crap, dump,shite, drop a log,
Do a deep down brown, blitzkrieg, lay a cable. Is probably more I have forgot.
LuckyOneTime@reddit
Often say.. I'm off to bust a shit out
freebiscuit2002@reddit
You can.
It's unnecessarily descriptive for many social situations - but you judge the people you're with and whether they need to know exactly what you're doing in there...
Steger_Affe@reddit
It's a Ertha for a shit
InitiativeCreative36@reddit
I need a shite/jobby.
QuailTechnical5143@reddit
Gotta go cut a rope
Round_Cardiologist32@reddit
Depends where you are and the company you keep, but generally most people I know say “I’ going to the toilet” or some variation
CauseOptimal8501@reddit
I think my boss might think it strange if I announced that to the office for either. My partner and myself, on the other hand, absolutely. He has Crohns so I hear it all.
ProfPMJ-123@reddit
Strange way of putting it.
“I’m off to drop the kids off at the pool” is a far more civilized approach.
LondonEntUK@reddit
I’m going to the bathroom is a little more pleasant snd covers both issues
phishlumen@reddit
I’m due a movement,
ryanmatheson_19@reddit
In Scotland it’s usually ‘am gawn fur a shite’
phishlumen@reddit
Yes very much,
It’s expected in polite company -
For example when dining at Ritz last Whitsun, I did ask my dining companion “would you excuse me whilst I leave the table to evacuate my bowel in the laterine?"
Drea_44@reddit
No, I say I need to use the toilet or the room with one seat, noone needs to know what im doing in there, none of their business. Unless im talking to a child then I will talk in that manner.
SocieteRoyale@reddit
usually you say 'I need a wee' as a kind of marker that you AREN'T doing a poo in your hosts toilet
TheeMetrologist@reddit
You clap your hands on your thighs, stand up and politely declare that you have "a 1 inch grip on a 5 inch shite".
Aggravating-Day-2864@reddit
Nope.....'snap one off' is the thing
throaway_247@reddit
'Curl one out' is another
Rediscovered_Magpie@reddit
Drop the kids off at the pool, curl out a long one or lay a cable are acceptable alternatives.
But make sure you say 'I wouldn't go in there for about 20 minutes' when you get back to your seat.
mojnjaro@reddit
Nobody needs details.
County-Thos@reddit
Phonetically, in my end of Blighty we'd say "am gan forra shite"
Short_Elephant_1997@reddit
I mean. I do but that's because I have a toddler who won't poo on the toilet or potty so I'm trying to normalize it.
TylerDarkness@reddit
I say it to my toddler all the time but I wouldn't say it to anyone except my kids.
mrfluffypants1504@reddit
I say 'I need a poo, do you need a wee before I go in?' To my child and my partner. I wouldn't really discuss it so much but we only have 1 bathroom.
SeaAd1557@reddit
NO.
abstractraj@reddit
If you’re a Finnish F1 driver, you can say “I was having a shit”
Sxn747Strangers@reddit
Yes.
loveswimmingpools@reddit
No. It would make me feel ill if someone said that to me. Unless they were my 5 year old child.
ButterscotchTop194@reddit
Off for a poo, seeya in two!
Alert_Mine7067@reddit
I just state it "I'm busting for a shite" sometimes to the dismay of others who apparently don't do this.
RefurbedRhino@reddit
English is not my gf's first language. Neither does she have much of a filter. I taught her various euphemisms for 'needing a poo'.
Not long ago in front of our friends she stood up and announced 'Sorry, I have one in the bomb bay'.
Historical_Project86@reddit
If I'm telling my dog or wife, yes I say that. I may even say "sh*t" if I'm feeling naughty.
Past-Obligation1930@reddit
“I am going to wash my hands”
“I am going to use the facilities”
are better ways to make the same announcements.
Bksudbjdua@reddit
Unless we had previously been talking about me being constipated I wouldn't feel the need to announce I need a poo.
Hertfordgal@reddit
Why? Are you 5 years old?
hengehanger@reddit
As with anything else, it depends on the context.
timfountain4444@reddit
No. One would normally just say that you need to use the toilet. There's no need to get specific on the purpose of the visit.
stinkyswife@reddit
Knock knock
Who's there?
Needap
stinkyswife@reddit
Followed by
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dunnap
Badger-of-Briarwood@reddit
Among friends I might say "I'm just off to study the Racing Post, don't come knocking, you'll smell the all clear".
Nervous_Tourist_8699@reddit
Pick up some reading material and say “I will be back”. Everyone will know.
DeniseGunn@reddit
No.
ghostofkilgore@reddit
In formal situations you should say "One needs a poo."
SnooDonuts6494@reddit
Yes. That's normal, natural English - just a bit crude.
Usually, you'd just say "I need to use the bathroom". It is unusual to specify the reason - but you can say that, if you want to.
RonaldTheGiraffe@reddit
I need to release my bowels. They seem to be packed full.
StitchWitch-@reddit
Yeah. You can say whatever you like. In polite conversation you’d probably just say ‘i need the loo’ but my husband and I proudly announce to each other when it’s time to go for a shit. Know your audience i guess is the answer
Decard_Pain@reddit
I mean my 5 year old says it so why not.
lynziB@reddit
Well, you could if you really wanted to
SpecialistGas2884@reddit
I’m off to drop anchor. See you in 5. That’s all it takes. 💩
bigbritishwhale@reddit
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because they kneaded a poo.
netean@reddit
You can say you're going for a "sit down wee" but that only makes sense of you're male.
astonishedcrow@reddit
Why did the baker's hands smell? He kneaded a poo.
TomLondra@reddit
Why not just say "I need to take a shit"?
deniewibly@reddit
Where you taking it to?
Maurice_Foot@reddit
Who does number 2 work for?!!
ratters1502@reddit
That's right buddy! You tell that turd who's boss!
Maurice_Foot@reddit
“Boy, what did you EAT?!”
neilm1000@reddit
You are Number 6
deniewibly@reddit
I am not a number!
Boring-Print9058@reddit
"Back in a bit, I'm touching cloth."
tingolore1@reddit
"the pen is already drawing"
Smithy2997@reddit
Great name for a dry cleaners that
escuchameray@reddit
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Exiphosxiii@reddit
In our house, it's "going for a wee" if we need a wee, or "going to the toilet" if it's a poo.
Took me a while to figure out the differences at first when I first got with my husband but soon worked it out lol
Integral-Fox6487@reddit
My grandad used to have two good phrases for it -
"Just off for a Tom Tit" (often followed with "Back tomorrow" or "Back next week" in extreme circumstances!)
"Got to go, the Turtle's head is peeking"
Spiritual_Tie3348@reddit
Yeah,if you're about 6 years old.
No-Cherry-6678@reddit
I have had a combo-boiler for years now in the last 2 places I lived
No-Cherry-6678@reddit
You could if you're 5!
Adamaaa123@reddit
Drop the kids off at the pool
Weak_Yam_6579@reddit
off for a Brad pitt, youth
Weak_Yam_6579@reddit
fuck no
itshappeningagaineh@reddit
Often! My sister will say this or mix it up with a lil 'i gotta drop the kids at the pool'. Which I hate but also love 😅
Traditional-Group963@reddit
Away for a barry
re_Claire@reddit
I'll say it jokingly to a very close friend but not to random people. I'm not a weirdo.
lostandfawnd@reddit
I mean if you are in the Disney shop, and all the tiggers had sold out, absolutely!
Toc13s@reddit
You can.
Less socially acceptable but amongst close friends or immediate family it would not be entirely out of place
hojicha001@reddit
If you want to.
Familiar_Radish_6273@reddit
Definitely don't do it though
Maurice_Foot@reddit
Doowhachalike
Matrixblackhole@reddit
But be prepared for some strange looks
BG3restart@reddit
Not in polite company, but to your mates at work, probably.
Virtual-Eye-2998@reddit
I need 5 minutes to push some lumps out.
yourefunny@reddit
You say right, clap your hands on your thighs, stand up and declare you need a shit. The off to the head.
Infamous-Gap-5777@reddit
at work you are going to file some paperwork
Bke4766@reddit
I need to have a Richard.
_yessica_haircut_@reddit
"I'm off to take a dump" is also acceptable.
Motown_Junk@reddit
Try I'm showing for a git instead.
StillJustJones@reddit
I’m off to leave elbow marks on top of my knees.
AccomplishedPaint363@reddit
Need a poo, off for a pony, need the khazi, so many inventive ways to announce your bowel movement.
justeUnMec@reddit
Depends on how intimate you are to those in ear shot.
JK07@reddit
Years I to the marriage here and can confirm.
PurplePlodder1945@reddit
At home amongst family yes. In work I just need the toilet
I_ALWAYS_UPVOTE_CATS@reddit
And a baguette?
beobabski@reddit
If you’re under 7, sure.
Otherwise you say “Excuse me for a moment. I’ll be back shortly.”
Alicam123@reddit
Most people say “I need the toilet/bathroom” only kids under 5 say “poo”
Prestigious-Net9629@reddit
You could get away with saying 'I need a wee' with colleagues you are friendly with, but 'I need a poo' is crossing a bit far over the line. Not something you'd say in front of your boss!
Constant_Phone5487@reddit
You should not say either.
notacanuckskibum@reddit
If you are a child, yes. If you are an adult there are so many more fun euphemisms available:
Grand_Carob_2512@reddit
Time for a chocolate landslide, can often be heard as I make my way out of a councillor meeting.
Willing-Confusion-56@reddit
"Going for a shit", is what I announce to my gf each time I go.
BsyFcsin@reddit
“I’m off for a shit” works in my house.
MJLDat@reddit
I’m dropping the kids off.
sickiesusan@reddit
You could.
But I like to say ‘I need a wee’ to cover both, as I don’t like to give too much info. away!
TrifectaOfSquish@reddit
You can but why would you?
Oh-reality-come-back@reddit
Me and my family & friends do. Between mates we say it to annoy each other with the TMI and with family, we don’t bat an eye at each other when we say it.
I’d say it’s usually best to say “I need the loo” because it’s not really anyone’s business what you’re up to or why you’re taking so long
Reasonable_sweetpea@reddit
I work in a primary school - young children say this daily - we try to teach them be a bit more polite and say “please may I go to the toilet”
Active_Doubt_2393@reddit
Yes, it's very common for adults to tell each other about this kind of stuff.
Fantastic-Speech-438@reddit
I am 42 and say it all the time.
SmutReader87@reddit
I just say "I'm going toilet toilet" if for example we are in the middle of watching a film at home. That way hubby can put something else on for 10 mins rather than just sitting there waiting haha. Unless its somwthing like that I dont normally announce it as its no one's business
MarkWrenn74@reddit
Certainly, depending on circumstances
CreativeAdeptness477@reddit
You can say anything you like. This is the UK. We don't police sp... oh right, yeah.
Paulstan67@reddit
I'm just going to drop the kids at the pool.
I'll be back in a minute I'm touching cloth / got a turtles head.
I need a poo is something that a 3 year old would say.
Hancri84@reddit
I can feel the turtles head.
skrew86@reddit
Go one step further and say you need a poo-poo. I'd chuckle if I heard someone say that
Repulsive-Note-112@reddit
I and my partner use 'i need a dump.'
RazorliteX@reddit
I normally say (if I have to) "I'm about to do some serious damage to your/the toilet. Stand clear."
griffo1970@reddit
Better to say "just need to drop the kids off at the pool"
FunGuyHan@reddit
My favourite is “I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool”
adbenj@reddit
If course, otherwise the classic joke wouldn't work:
Why did the baker's hands smell? He kneaded a poo.
Leifang666@reddit
You can but "I'm just going to the toilet" is the best way to put it as an adult.
Sea-Network-8640@reddit
Only if your at primary school. Otherwise you announce "I need a shite".
sagima@reddit
I said it to end a conversation just this week
FunGuyHan@reddit
Yes. I don’t generally meet say that.
Scarygirlieuk1@reddit
If you're 2 you can, if you're an adult I'd generally just expect "excuse me I'm just going to the toilet."
cariadbach64@reddit
If you're 4
NowThenHowDo@reddit
Are you an adult?
If so it's...
'I need to use the bathroom'
'I need to use the toilet'
Its really weird as adult to announce you need a 'poo' or 'wee'.
If you for whatever reason need to specify then be an adult and say shit/shite/pee/piss/pish depending on where you are from.
Double-Use4816@reddit
Noone in the uk says 'im going to the bathroom' unless theyre going for a bubble bath :)
NowThenHowDo@reddit
Well everyone I've know says that so your wrong.
Perhaps a regional thing but to say no one says that in UK is wrong.
Double-Use4816@reddit
Where in the UK have you heard all British people use 'bathroom' as toilet? I have never heard it and have family and friends from all over the country and am born and bred S English.
NowThenHowDo@reddit
I have not heard 'all British people use 'bathroom' as toilet'
Like I said everyone I have I known has said this and perhaps it's a regional or class thing.
I was born and bred in North Yorkshire.
Double-Use4816@reddit
Interesting.
Adventurous_Way_2660@reddit
Touching cloth here
G-reeper66@reddit
My go to is, I'm off for a tactical download
TheRosesAndGuns@reddit
We often do at work. We're a close team!
Dedward5@reddit
Knock knock?
Who’s there
I need up
Jumpy-Jello-@reddit
It's either "I need a wee" or "I need to use the bathroom."
Alternative_Bit_3445@reddit
If you're a 3yr old, sure. Grown ups usually just 'pop to the loo'.
Jesters__Dead@reddit
You can say: "I'm about to shit my pants, where's the bog?"
DoctorAgility@reddit
Sure, but you’ll get looks. Try, “I’m just going to freshen up”
gracealmost@reddit
“Just got to go and lay some cables”
Interesting_Web9289@reddit
Yes, you're essentially just omitting "to do" - so if it works as "I need to do a..." then it works.
Unhappy_Clue701@reddit
The turtle’s head is showing, I may be some time!!
User-1967@reddit
I can say it but don’t
Bubbly_Gap6636@reddit
A lad at work used to say he was dropping the kids off at the pool?
Baked_Crinklies@reddit
It's more polite to say "I need to wave some old friends off to the coast."
Trilobite_Tom@reddit
Need to crimp off a length of dirty spine
Double-Use4816@reddit
No, you say youre going for a 'pony' :)
throaway_247@reddit
"I can't stay, I'm already touching cloth."
Junior_Syrup_1036@reddit
I prefer the term "releasing a mud otter into the wild" myself
topgeezr@reddit
Sure - if you're four years old.
WTF?
neilm1000@reddit
Just say '"excuse me for a few minutes." And then walk in an exaggerated style like your bowels are about to collapse.
Relevant-Passenger19@reddit
Yes you can 👍🏼 it’s one of the most common calls in our household 😂😩
wildflower12345678@reddit
It depends on the situation. Mostly you can just leave the room and do whatever you need to do without announcing it. No one is that interested, except maybe your dog and your toddler.
Matrixblackhole@reddit
'Going to the bog/pot/toilet' usually suffices
self-conscious_s@reddit
It's better etiquette to say a gorilla s finger is poking out
Maurice_Foot@reddit
Sure, got fur it. It’s a free country, for various values of freedom.
Jarvisnamesake@reddit
Yes. You can say whatever you like
qualityvote2@reddit
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Terrible_Tap_4385@reddit
I’m gonna release a brown trout back into the wild
Shogun_killah@reddit
Just say you need the toilet/bathroom/facilities/gents etc - being vague is sufficient - no one will ask
Space_Cowby@reddit
I prefer to say the turtle head is showing tbh but it does depend on company and location. My adult daugther just say she needs a good shit when at home
Spiritual-Tap7493@reddit
Yes that's correct, not I need a s*it, or I'm taking a dump..... I need a poo is fine although I still don't understand the need to broadcast this tho 💩😅😎