Aging parents
Posted by GigglingHen@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 66 comments
This is incredibly hard. That is all.
Posted by GigglingHen@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 66 comments
This is incredibly hard. That is all.
Savedbythebell98@reddit
I was prepared for the stranger offering me candy, the white van with puppies, stop-drop-and-roll, and quicksand, but not at all prepared for caring for aging parents. I wish you the best in this stage of your journey.
IndicationNo7551@reddit
But what about the R.O.U.S.es?
face1828@reddit
Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer last week, started chemo, had minor heart attack. Had heart surgery, delayed chemo. Mother's Day in hospital tomorrow, probably our last. It comes so fast.
winobambino@reddit
So very sorry, hang in there ❤️
walter_grimsley@reddit
Mine is in the hospital as well with advanced skin cancer, GI issues, and a host of other ills. Probably our last MD also. I hadn’t thought of that until now. I am not ready for this.
sneakerkitty@reddit
My mom had a lobectomy on Wednesday for her lung cancer. I will also be spending Mother's Day in the hospital. Also, my dad died last month. Getting old sucks. Wishing your mom the best. <3
Adventurous_Cloud_20@reddit
Oh that's miserable, I am so sorry. If it's any consolation, I'll be in the hospital with my mom tomorrow too. She started chemo two weeks ago for bladder cancer and had a stroke, it's not looking good.
Dad died last fall after a short fight with prostate cancer, and she's been a wreck since he's been gone. I think she's just done, there doesn't seem to be any fight in her anymore.
Elegant-Inside5436@reddit
Cancer sucks. Sending you courage and strength for your long hard road. My mom died two years ago of gastrointestinal neuroendocrine carcinoma just two and a half weeks after they found the cancer. Going to a funeral today actually for one of her oldest friends who died from brain cancer who fought for a year and a half. Whether it’s quick or long, it sucks. Wish I could give you a solidarity hug.
Accadius@reddit
Sending prayers. My mom had heart problems and a pacemaker for her last 5 years. In 2009 we went to Toledo zoo and she seemed to be doing well then a few days later started having chest pain and went to the hospital and passed away in the morning.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. Sending prayers your way ❤️🙏🏾
winobambino@reddit
It's so hard. I'm 45. My folks were both in and out of the hospital and nursing home rehabs in a 3 year period, both with major surgeries and illness. Now back home but not sure how long it's going to be a safe option. Dad with probable dementia and wont stop driving + Mom doesnt stop him 🙃 fun stuff. Thank God for my siblings or I would probably be losing it!
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
So hard. I’m 44 and my dad is dealing with dementia as well. He keeps saying he wants to drive to and the poor thing can barely walk at this point. Mom has already committed to taking the keys and I’m hopeful that he doesn’t try but it’s just so scary to think about. I have to say, I’ve never really felt a way about being an only child, but these are the times where people are wrong when they say you can’t miss what you never had.
winobambino@reddit
Awww, so sorry, very relatable. Its so much to navigate. It's a weird realization to come to that you can no longer call your Dad for advice. I am lucky that I have siblings who I get along with and work well as a team when shit has hit the fan- eg when Mom got sick who is essentially Dad's caregiver. But I have seen the opposite too, family drama and infighting about medical decisions and money and egos etc etc ( I work in healthcare) in those cases I would say siblings can be more of a burden than a help. The driving thing is hard, I'm glad your Mom has put her foot down. My Dad supposedly "stays in the neighborhood " but in reality has gone on some joy rides and it is very concerning. Trying to get a doctor on board to tell him he can't anymore which will devastate him, but the alternative is hurting someone or himself. I still don't know how they got so old all of a sudden because I'm certainly not any older! 🫠
Chunklob@reddit
Mother's day. I hope I get one more.
Constant_Cultural@reddit
Yeah, especially when you are alone and when they are gone you will be completely alone
LemurCat04@reddit
I did end-of-life care for both of my parents - Dad had cancer, Mom had congestive heart failure. And no, it’s not easy. It’s incredibly frustrating and emotionally devastating. One of the worst things no one prepares you for is that with kids, you can just cart them off to the doctors even if it’s against their will; with parents you can’t make them do anything. You can’t make them go to the doctor, you can’t make them tell their doctor the truth, you can’t make them take their meds properly. It’s incredibly frustrating and at sometimes it feels like you’re more invested in their health than they are. Which is all to say, take care of yourself. They tell you a lot of stuff about self-care but do take it seriously. I’m just now, three years later, not sleeping with one ear open for my Mom shambling around the house in the middle of the night.
Flashy-Share8186@reddit
thiiiiiiiiis! and sometimes you’re just sick of it and it’s hard and boring and you can’t tell anyone because they hit you with “you should treasure every minute left with them” and sometimes you’re like, no, I’m over it. I was ready for this to end a couple years ago.
morbidemadame@reddit
Tell me about it.
My 80yo mom has non-curable cancer and is declining steadily. I don't think she has a year ahead of her.
And yet she refuses to put my dad who has Parkinson and dementia into care. She takes care of him almost completely alone, even if I found a very good place for him.
It is a pure nightmare that I would not recommend on anyone.
walter_grimsley@reddit
I’m in a nearly identical situation. I waffle between pity and blinding anger at their stubbornness and lack of preparation for the worst. Its affecting my health as well as my relationships with my family. I feel bad wishing for a swift end.
Ok-Criticism6874@reddit
My dad was paralyzed 4 years ago (after bing active for 70+ years) and my mom has dementia. We moved both of them into an assisted living place last year. My mom is a totally different person and if im being honest, very annoying. Every week its a new drama a new illness. She will break down in tears if she doesn't have immediate access to certain things, like medicine or TV remote. I video call them every week and she forgot I had a three year old daughter. My dad despite being paralyzed from the neck down holds everything together. I've mentally prepared for their death. It'll be hard because my dad will probably go first and my mom will just get deeper and deeper into dementia and not remember us.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
That’s real though. And we feel bad about saying things like that but it’s the truth. My bestie lost her dad super unexpectedly about a month ago. Of course she’s heartbroken, but her dad was seemingly in great health and to me it’s so much better for him to go without suffering, versus watching a slow mental decline as I am. Of course I can’t say that to her, and when I vent she says “you’re blessed to still have him”. She’s right, I am, and I know that but it doesn’t negate the fact that this is beyond difficult and depressing. 😢
walter_grimsley@reddit
No shame in speaking facts. Id much rather they go quickly than linger, suffer and put loved ones through hell. I fear my final years not for me, but my only daughter.
No_Cartoonist981@reddit
Mother’s dementia kicked off during Covid, didn’t even get a real diagnosis before she was too far gone at 67. Still alive but nothing left now.
Fathers mentally as sharp as ever but is due some high risk surgeries this month that may mean he isn’t confined to a wheelchair on top of the constant pain and limited mobility he is already suffering from. He says it’s worth the risk.
I don’t feel old enough by half for this.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Exactly. I just didn’t expect it to be so fast
iamthe0ther0ne@reddit
My dad is in the hospital again after another bad fall. He's 10 years past a quadruple bypass/stents, then cardic arrest and 2 month coma. He has kidney disease, diabetes, heart disease, and can barely walk and, like me, has Asperger's. I'm terrified.
He supports me, but at the same time, several years ago he told me "You're going to find out what's it's like to die alone and unloved." Tbf, he's right--once my parents are gone, I'm alone.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Praying for you my friend. I’m literally afraid every time one of them calls me
jays_all_day@reddit
Yes and do your best. It’s an honor to walk this journey with them in this phase of life. Remember to take care of yourself also.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this
Flashy-Share8186@reddit
it’s so tough. Sending hugs.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Thank you 🙏🏾
Major_Scale@reddit
Its tough my fathers getting dementia and he's always been as stubborn as a mule, he wants to pretend he's normal and refuses to see a doctor or get any type of treatment. I had to get involved with his taxes because he lost all of his tax documents, and they're still not done.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
We’re dealing with some of that too. I’m so worried about how all of this will be as it progresses. Trying to pray and ask God for direction
ospreyguy@reddit
Mother in law passed, father in law is fighting lung cancer, my dad has lymphoma (treatable), along with multiple surgeries including hip and knee replacement. mom is puttering along.
We live 2000 miles away and my wife has been with her dad for several months. Our house is now for sale and we're moving to be close to everyone. It's time.
alwaysmanders@reddit
Spending the day with my mom today. Makes my heart cry because I feel like I'm corralling a toddler.
400_pound_dunk_champ@reddit
I have to take care of my mother. She hasn't showered in more than a year.
Anxious-Cupcake-84@reddit
Thankfully my parents are good, but dealing with my grandparents. My grandfather has prostate cancer and uses a walker while my grandmother has onset dementia. They can't drive. My grandmother can't be left alone if my grandfather has an appointment. My aunt has taken on a big responsibility of caring for them, but it's a lot of work doing it on her own. I help a lot but it's hard trying to balance that with a full time job & FML doesn't extend to grandparents. I have family members who live in the same city who do not work, but refuses to come "visit" our grandmother when our grandfather has an appt. I help with cleaning their house to give my aunt a break. The cleaning comes with decluttering and it's a nightmare. After a shift I go home and just want to get rid of all my stuff so my son won't have to deal with it when I get up in age. Just needed to vent, thanks for space to do so.
Long-Rest-9268@reddit
It’s an emotional roller coaster! You cannot prepare for it. It happens and as hard as it is we do the best we can!
jtmann05@reddit
My Dad passed away in March after a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis. It sucks. I’m actually planning to move back to Michigan to be closer to my Mom and sisters. I want to spend more time with her while i can. Added bonus, I was able to buy a house for a third to quarter of what the same thing would have cost where I live now.
General-Carob-6087@reddit
Be thankful you still have them. I lost my mom 20 years ago while in college and my dad 3 years ago. I sometimes still pick up my phone to tell him something or ask a question before realizing I can’t talk to him.
Try to soak up all the time you can with them.
Riala4@reddit
My husband told me the other day that having his parents' profiles still on FB has been a curse and a blessing. They float by at random intervals and it stings, but he can still send them messages...
General-Carob-6087@reddit
I get that. My parents didn’t have social media but just recently someone asked me something I tried to go back through old texts from my dad to find the answer and realized all of those texts are gone. Kinda bummed me out.
69goldeneye@reddit
Yes it is. Still got mom but I mourn dad every day ...
Accurate-Aioli-7469@reddit
My parents are young, so I’ve often felt immune to having “aging parents”. But, my dad had a simple surgery yesterday, and there were complications that probably wouldn’t have happened if he were younger. I know I’m very fortunate to have both parents, but this is the first time I’ve realized they aren’t young anymore, and I can’t take them for granted.
mwalker324@reddit
I agree. Being in my 40’s is the hardest my life has ever been emotionally. My parents are aging which is a giant mind fuck and my kids are getting closer to leaving me. I want to rewind 10 yrs. 😭
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
This.
Gwendolyn-NB@reddit
Yup... I'm trying to move back across the country to be closer as my parents get older, like keeps throwing curveballs preventing it... which sucks and is worrying.
Everyone is in good health, especially for their ages; but you never know when its gonna go sideways.
Good luck with everything, its a rough ride.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Good luck to you too. I’m relatively close, about 4 hours away but every time I come I just feel like I should be here more. Mom’s doing well but dad isn’t and it’s a lot on her. Not to mention he’s not the best patient. We recently got them help 3x/week which takes a lot off of her thankfully, but I just don’t want to be that “kid” that turns a blind eye. I’m just not sure what I should be doing. deep sigh
Gwendolyn-NB@reddit
Ouch, yea... I'm 2k miles away. My dad still lives alone and is doing good, my brother is local but he's a 60 year old burnout and does not have a good relationship with dad. Mom is a lot younger and lives about 1500 miles from me; but she has her sisters/family local, and she's in good health too.
My MIL/FIL live near my dad, and my wife has 1 sister who still lives back there, so its falling on her with them which is a lot. MIL already beat cancer once, and FIL is 100% showing signs of mental decline. So yea...
From your side, you're doing what you can; the only thing I would recommend is planning next steps for them as best you can. What i mean by that is assisted living neighborhoods/facilities. Sucks to think about but better to be prepared.
One thing I did with both my mom and dad was to get everything setup for when they become incapacitated. Its a rough conversation, but we have everything ready to go and lined up. I have an envelope for each of them in my safe with half-executed documents ready for me to take to a notary if I get a call that something happened. Copy of the Will, Medical Directives, Funeral Arrangements/Wishes, Power of Attorney, Estate Executive, Bank account info, etc. The initial conversation was rough, but once we got it done it actually took a lot of weight off both my parents and myself as its all known, agreed, and documented. They had messes to deal with when their parents passed, so I think this was also a way for them to not put me thru that.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Very helpful insight. Thank you so much for that because we’re buttoned up for the most part but there are things that we need to take care of while we can.
KetoMeUK@reddit
Lost both mine the last 4 years, weren’t even that old, 65 & 71.
nochumplovesucka__@reddit
My dad passed away in 2019 and I haven't really talked to my mom since. Dad was the only reason I still went around. I believe (I am not a licensed therapist) that my mother has bi-polar disorder, and she was very hard to deal with my entire life, and I believe it is the reason for a lot of my troubles with personal relationships.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP
Extra-Blueberry-4320@reddit
This is the 6th Mothers Day that I’ve had without my mom. She died in 2019 from early onset Alzheimer’s and I lost my dad last year to a very aggressive form of cancer that took him from healthy to dead in 4 months. My in-laws are really old now (85 and 82) and it’s very difficult to see them losing their independence. But we were prepared for them to go first because my parents were so much younger. My mom was 62 and my dad was 68. I’m sort of terrified that I’ve only got a few years left…the whole thing is just so hard.
jakechance@reddit
It sure is. I expected mostly physical changes and as few mental ones as possible. I didn’t expect the emotional changes. How did the people who taught a very angry child how to care about others turn into that child themselves? It makes the time left so much harder.
blamberr@reddit
Mine are dead. It’s sad, but it’s easier
felly_fell@reddit
From someone on the other side of this, love them while you can. Remember, while you're busy living, they're getting closer to the inevitable. Pick up the phone, plan a day with them, or just send them a text that says you love them. It means more to them than you realize, and you'll be so grateful you did those things too.
I would give up all of my earthly possessions to get one more hug, hear one more "I love you," or just to hear one of their voices again. If you're lucky enough to have great parents like I had, love and appreciate them while they're still here. ❤️
Feisty-Comfort-3967@reddit
Ugh! I wish I had those.😭
cashews_clay15@reddit
It really is.
JeffTS@reddit
It sure is. My mother has dementia and lives with me. I’m her sole caregiver and it’s tough. I’m just thankful that she can still dress and care for herself. I’m trying to get things in place with Medicaid for when that day comes though.
SeaSkimmer2@reddit
Copied my post in the “why do we have to call our parents” thread:
I’ve lived about 5 hours away from my Father (late 70s) and stepmother (80s) for about a decade after relocating across the state for a job. Pretty much every phone call since with my father (once every few months), to this day, includes the same questions: “So do you like it over there?” “Are you making any friends?” Like I’m a 43-year old kindergartner.
And every time I happen to come down to visit (maybe once a year), he does nothing but sit on his recliner and stare at NCIS with the volume way too loud, occasionally asking a question which I can barely hear and I have to repeat my response. I simply can’t get past small-talk with him (I try) for several hours until it’s time to leave, while my step-mother actually talks non-stop about medical issues and medications/dosages/regiments the whole time.
I always leave wondering…again…why I even bothered.
My mother is still headstrong after just turning 70 (who I live very close to), yet she insists on being treated like she’s 20 years younger. She is still physically healthy, but is starting to do clumsy things by not paying attention to what is going on around her feet, like tripping over her phone charger cord or the coffee table, and worse, almost slamming the cat following her back inside by the patio sliding-door (I had to yell to stop). I occasionally remind her…nicely…to just be mindful of what is going on below her so she doesn’t break something after a nasty trip and end up being crippled for the rest of her life. She, of course, will not have it and begins raging in hysteria and boomernoia that I’m trying to control her and treating her like a child. I actually just told her the other day that this is why I “haven’t gotten around to” fixing the flat tire on her bike, because the spacial awareness of her footing is not what it once was. * raging intensifying *
AbbreviationsNo3918@reddit
www.askalder.com.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Thank you
Natural-Fly-2722@reddit
I was going to post in the “why are we expected to talk to our parents” thread that my dad had a stroke last year (he survived) and the first thing I thought of was how long it had been since I’d called him.
No-Hospital559@reddit
Watched my mother die from untreated diabetes and Parkinson's. It was a very hard slow process to watch. Made even harder by her resistance to help herself.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Exactly. My dad has mild dementia and is open to help for the most part but unwilling to accept that he has urinary incontinence. He’s 6’2”, 210…that’s a whole lot of urine to deny but he does it, and it’s so taxing to deal with. Pray for us!
Super-Complaint-245@reddit
Sending you support friend. Right there with you.
GigglingHen@reddit (OP)
Thank you 🙏🏾