Why do we have to call our parents?
Posted by PotentialPlum4945@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 376 comments
I'm not knocking communication with the parentals. That's fine. But if we don't call them then apparently we're not talking. You boomers know that phones work both ways, right? It's a stupid obligation. If you want to talk call us. Damn... we're busy.
mattydrinkwater@reddit
You just answered the question: because we’re busy.
The odds are better that we will catch them when they’re free to talk. Not so much the other way around.
Everyone here would complain that “my parents keep interrupting me when I’m busy” if they were the ones doing the calling.
PotentialPlum4945@reddit (OP)
Oh fuck off.
mattydrinkwater@reddit
Well I can see why your parents don’t call you.
kayesoob@reddit
My dad's phones (landline and cell) only functions in receiving mode.
(parents are divorced)
My mom's landline only functions in receiving mode too. She doesn't have a cell.
Difficult-Cold1051@reddit
My grandparents used this bs on my dad all the time while I was 18 hours away in college. 🙄 “She doesn’t call us”….you don’t call me. I told him to relay that phones work both ways and he clearly figured out how to get in touch with me for them. I’m NC now.
Trust_In_Jesus_82@reddit
My father literally goes around complaining to everyone that he hasn’t heard from me in months. He doesn’t call or text me, but he has enough energy to tell everyone. Then I’m the villain and they call me saying that my dad tells them I don’t call him. I stopped calling because I clearly get that it’s only a one way road.
SnuggleMama33@reddit
Thank you. I thought it was my Mom's weird passive aggressive bullshit. I feel validated and part of a tribe.
ExpensiveDollarStore@reddit
Boomer (Gen Jones) here: I don't call my kids BECAUSE they are busy. I pop off a text to call when they get a chance if I havent heard from them. But they tend to be in touch more. (I am avoidant because of my mother who I rarely called and she was happiest that way. Dont be like me.)
0000Matt0000@reddit
I worked nights in my early twenties and my mother would use the excuse "I don't know when you sleep. I don't want to wake you." It's been 20 years. I sleep at night. Still using the "I don't wanna wake you" excuse.
grasshoppermotion@reddit
Sounds like my mom. “You’re always so busy I don’t want to bother you.” Mom, I call you at the same time on my drive home from work every day. You know when I’m free.
Connect_Ambition_53@reddit
Literally had this conversation with my parents over the weekend.
200brews2009@reddit
Seriously. The “I don’t want to bother you when your busy” response is “doesn’t matter, I’ll either answer or call you back when I can” doesn’t seem to hold water to them.
That said, during our monthly checkup call there’s about 2 minutes of actual conversation that could be covered in a text message, if they chose to text.
Funnily enough, the wife’s family is super close, they talk to each other multiple times a week, I even got added to the family group text and it weirds me out still, even after all these years.
After_Preference_885@reddit
That's what happens when I call too and it's so strange to me now that my own kid is an adult.
I see him all the time, he lives down the street, volunteers with me, and when we get together it's non-stop conversation for hours and hours. Sometimes I have to just cut it off, like ok it's been 6 hours, you have to go home now. We seemingly have so much to talk about all the time.
My mom has no interest in what I'm up to, has no hobbies, friends, or even like TV shows she watches regularly, it's just Facebook racism and the maga cult. So very sad.
AggravatingResult549@reddit
My mom isn't maga fortunately but your description is so familiar. No hobbies, no friends, no shows, reads books but cant discuss them, just a total nothing personality. She is a boring person. Nothing gets below surface level. It's like we speak a different language, she's completely incapable of having any sort of deep conversation with. I think a lot of our boomer parents are like this.
200brews2009@reddit
That’s kind of amazing you can have that sort of relationship with your kid. Were child free by choice, but as much as I can acknowledge my parents faults and try not to fall into the same patterns, when we visit my wife’s family with young nieces and nephews I generally have to actively force myself to not be cold and reserved around them.
Funnily enough, my mother also doesn’t have hobbies, nor has any friends I think she actively dislikes all her neighbors and any surviving relatives. Grateful she hasn’t gone down the rightwing cult, but she is fully drinking the QVC koolaid. It’s wild to me, every so often she gets a bug up her but about me moving back to my hometown cause they’re getting older and might need someone to take care of them someday…25 years I’ve been halfway across the country and they’ve visited exactly one time and now I get a guilt trip about not being closer to them every few months.
Meanwhile I’ve seen or hosted nearly every one of my wife’s lifting family members, even done a family vacation with them all a couple times…an actively caring family is weird as hell to me but it’s so ice at the same time.
Wide-Huckleberry-514@reddit
So… you think it would make more sense for her to guess exactly when you’re leaving work and call you, so you can fumble with your phone while driving?
Seems to me like yall have this shit figured out, tbh
Zilhaga@reddit
Mine is like that, and she's free less often than I am. I don't really minx, though, because a lot of her busy-ness comes form caring for my grandma, so she deserves all the slack in the world.
Candid-Inspection-97@reddit
Damn, my mom knew I worked nights and would regularly call me at 7 am and scoff that I was "still in bed".
My dad knew when my classes were and would keep calling me in class, which made me think it was an emergency (at first).
Now, my Dad always seems to call me when I am sleeping, eating, or on my movie date with my husband. He will be on fb, not respond to my message, but then call me to ask me if I saw something he sent me (WITHOUT responding to my message) WHILE I am AT FREAKING WORK, not from the day before when I sent it.
Its been worse since he retired. He thinks I should always be available to talk when I am at work or sleeping, I have had the same work schedule for the last 15 fucking years.
stations-creation@reddit
Uuuugh me too. Worked in nightlife and moved across the country so there was a time difference to add as well. I’ve been out of nightlife for almost decades and she still never calls me. I explicitly say every single time we talk to call me anytime. Never does! She secretly loves the depression is all I can figure.
Future-Act1229@reddit
The ongoing never ending emotional neglect of waiting for the phone call that never comes! Just like in childhood, waiting for the "good job!". Some things never change
Appropriate_Berry_44@reddit
Not just the parents, other relatives too. I have a cousin I never talk to and the last time she saw me she was like 'Don't get lost so often, call sometime!" and I was like 'Bitch, you know phones work both ways, right?"
Into-the-stream@reddit
I resent the fact that the expectation falls entirely on me, and if I don’t do it then I’m an asshole. They literally sit around the whole day watching tv. I got 2 special needs kids and 2 jobs. Maybe a little empathy instead of judgment, and we would have a better relationship.
AllYouNeedIsLove13@reddit
This! I get criticized for not calling/visiting but they don’t have to do either. Makes no sense.
Xavier_Emery1983@reddit
Empathy is not a boomer quality commonly found in the wild. My mom has it for strangers, but will refuse to have it for family especially her only child. If she had to pick between her stranded daughter or a stranded stranger, the strangers will always win.
MaddingtonFair@reddit
My mother was like this - WTF? I could never understand it. And to top it off, she would FREQUENTLY give me “blood is thicker than water” lectures, seemingly unironically. I moved out the moment I was legally able to.
Into-the-stream@reddit
That isn’t just boomers. My Generation X husband is like that, though the last couple years it’s improved a little.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
Exactly. This is an aging person thing. Stereotyping an entire, very diverse group is something I expect of 20-somethings, not 40-somethings.
absentlyric@reddit
Exactly, I remember my dad telling me constantly if I get in trouble with the law, do NOT call him, he would not bail me out.
But, he had no problem spending several grand bailing out the son of a girl he was dating when the son was caught drunk driving.
fionacielo@reddit
in his mind you have to love him whereas he wants the woman’s kid to love him so she will stay. it’s sad and i’m sorry you were treated that way
sionnach@reddit
But surely you are in a much better position to choose a good time for you than they are. If it was they who called you, it sounds like it would never be at a good time.
Different-Tear-3873@reddit
This may seem pretty obvious: I have 219-year-olds. They just left for college in the fall. If they reach out to me without me asking by text or by phone, I’m delighted. Parents probably won’t say it, but they feel insecure about the role. They’ll have in their kids lives when the kids get older.
And the role is decreased by a lot because you are adults. That’s holy normal, but for lots of parents it still hurts a little bit.
And that’s probably why mom’s reflexively say things like I don’t wanna bother you. They just continue to want to be reminded that you love them by calling them.
I definitely can understand that’s annoying, but that’s probably the answer for the irrational behavior.
Logical-Cherry9395@reddit
I started the routine of calling my mom on my way to work in the early 2000s, everyday. I worked 9-6 and she worked 8-5, so I knew it was a time neither of us were busy. Later, I called her on my way home instead and that continued right up until she retired in 2013. Now, I still call her in the mornings on my way in, and text her during the weekend. She'll also initiate a text on her own all the time.
Why do I call her and not the other way around? Because she's retired and I know my schedule better than she does. I also will continue to call her every day because one day I won't be able to.
My own adult child and I are in contact every day, as well, but via text with a phone call once or twice a week. I let her call me when she's available, but I text her autonomously.
likesexonlycheaper@reddit
Damn. Reading this thread makes me appreciate my mom so much lol. We both call each other whenever we think about each other. Which may be every few months or a couple times a month.
WendyPortledge@reddit
My mother texts me when she wants me to call her. “Can you phone when you’re free”. It’s maybe once a month.
Balthierlives@reddit
My dad is just lazy I think. He has a more budding social life at 78 than I do and yet he never calls me. I always have to call him.
But I have to do it at a very specific time, when he’s awake and having breakfast. Otherwise he’s already out doing stuff or seeing friends.
He’s fading a bit and he likes to talk about himself which has only increased with age. So I love this international life haven’t been in the US in 25 years but he’ll go into deep detail about whatever he’s been doing like road directions or the garden stuff he’s doing or the maladies he’s facing.
Prudent-Lake1276@reddit
My mom is fine with text, she's just so emotionally distant. She always has been, it's just frustrating. Before my dad passed, he was the same. I'm dealing with a lot right now, and her responses are usually just "OK".
This-Town7219@reddit
For my entire life, any sharing of "big emotions" or attempts at deeper discussion was met with either silence or toxic positivity (dismissing any negative emotions). And they wonder why I don't share what's going on in my life.
Necessary_Sea_7127@reddit
Same, the last time I tried to share anything with my mum she said ‘ well there’s nothing I can do’ in the nastiest tone……
manderderp@reddit
We must be secret siblings because you’re describing my parents too.
crownofpeperomia@reddit
Or a thumbs up?
Mom: "How are you? What's going on lately?"
Me: long description of stuff
Mom: thumbs up.
Conversation over.
Brandemic@reddit
Do you end your “long description of stuff” with a question? Like, “that’s what’s going on with me lately. What’s going on with you?”
crownofpeperomia@reddit
Hmm, good question. Probably half the time.
9897969594938281@reddit
👍
kimnxena@reddit
My mom and MIL are both big fans of the thumbs up.
JHolgate@reddit
It's even worse than that. It has to be a phone call. Not an email. Not a text. At least be a little flexible.
Ladypeace_82@reddit
My mom says, I don't know when to call. Granted, no matter what, I'm going to be knee deep in young twins. My dad will just CALL. Often around 730 at night. That's PRIME time for kid chaos or bedtime stuffs.
Neither will just text and ask if they can call at the moment. That's what I prefer.
mwalker324@reddit
I think it’s not so much a boomer thing and it is a personality thing. My mom and I text pretty much daily. My dad will call me once a week to confirm we are going out to brunch at our usual time every Sunday. Sometimes more if he wants to talk about his new lawnmower or something.😋 Meanwhile my husband’s parents moved away and almost never call first. His dad’s a narcissist though so, that could be why.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
Given the amount of answers like yours vs OPs, it seems it is a boomer thing and you got lucky yours has a good personality.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
How old are you that you think a handful of comments in a Reddit thread are evidence of a generation-wide trend? Sorry, but this is high-school-student two-dimensional thinking.
And I also did not win the parent lottery. But I realize that my experience was not the norm. Neither was yours, and neither was Mwalker324's. Nobody's experience with their parent is necessarily the norm (though I will pay attention to actual scientific studies that suggest otherwise).
What's true is that this is a human-relationships thing, not a "whatever generation happens to be 'the olds' this year" thing.
It's really short-sighted and immature to blame problems on entire generations. These patterns have been happening since humans lived in caves.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
nO eXpEIeNeCE iS tHE NoRM!!!
Okay ....... 😂
endtheme@reddit
That typically happens based on how topics are framed. It's not a boomer thing.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
GenZ is complaining how much they have to call their millennial parents who never make an effort?
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
Sure! Especially when they get to be our age. Not seeing those posts? You're not hanging out in the right groups, and also most people are not actually airing their problems on social media. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you haven't seen something it doesn't exist, or that what you have seen represents the experience of the majority.
You need to get away from that two-dimensional thinking. We're all headed towards 50. Time to grow up.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
Oh okay! We're talking about your brother's nephews sisters date?
Not the social media we're on? That's applicable then.
Thanks for telling me to grow up, you are such a great example of doing so, I am inspired!
endtheme@reddit
I was referring to how participation bias skews feedback.
mwalker324@reddit
You’re right, I am extremely lucky.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
And that's awesome! It's just good to remember too. Lots didn't win the lottery there, enjoy but don't think your experience is the norm with that generation . I honestly wish is was , this thread and our lives would look so different.
Diligent_Kitchen7705@reddit
I moved for college and never changed my number just so my parents would call (local vs. Long distance, they used a landlines still)... still never called 😩
USConservativeVegan@reddit
I call my mother a couple times a week and FaceTime my dad at least once a week. I normally initiate my call to my mom because it is a habit to call her during my long drive home from work.
With my Dad, it is more him messaging me and I responding that I am free to talk.
With my Grandparents, I didn't make it a habit to call until I was in my one of my Grandma's passed away. I was extremely fortunate have have about a decade to routinely call them before they passed. I would hear the same stories over and over. I never told them I already heard them. Because I knew one day I would wish I could hear them again.
My Dad is almost 80 and my mother is 70. I have no idea how long I have with them. I just know I won't think I called them too much or it was mostly one sided. I really don't know how I will handle not having them in my life. They are two of my best friends.
For the people who think the parents are making excuses not to call, it could be they don't want to be a burden. Call them. You will regret it when you don't have the chance.
squirrelfriend3@reddit
“Damn… we’re busy” cue 🎶the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon🎶
fave_no_more@reddit
It's because we're busy that my folks don't like to initiate the calls. My mom will text to see if i can chat, but my dad flat out doesn't reach out
h4baine@reddit
My husband's dad is like this. He doesn't maintain any relationships whether that's with his family or his friends. It's weird.
ndtaughthem@reddit
There will come a time soon when you wish you can call them. Don't complain too loudly. It won't last forever
Trick-Session2388@reddit
My mom likes to text me and say "I need you to call me."
I text back and say "you can call me, and if I can't answer, I'll call back when I can."
Few_Candle9432@reddit
All of this. And I raise you one “you never want to do anything with me anyway”. Anything = sending a text when they are already in the car on the way to do the thing.
How did an entire generation get such histrionic-narcissistic-borderline mental fuckery?
Clear_Tangerine5110@reddit
As one who lost both of his parents within three years of each other, don’t be like me and regret not taking them up on that invitation as often as they would like.
Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit
Yep. Lost my dad in 2023. We were extremely close. There were days when work had been a bitch and I'd call them on my way home to check in on them, and he'd say "love to see you if you can stop by", but I'd make an excuse. Or times when I'd be there and he'd make a comment about seeing the boat jump when I pulled in cause it wanted to go out fishing and I'd tell him I couldn't and plan for another time. Jesus, I wish I'd gone Every. Single. Time. He was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and died (mercifully honestly) within 3.5 months. The night he died I did go by even though I'd been stuck really late at work and said I wasn't going to. The light in his face when I popped in unexpectedly, and that last hug is what I'll hold in my memory forever. Call your parents! Goddamnit, now I have to go touch up my eye makeup and I'll be late to my meet up this morning.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
That fishing quip is so adorable. Don't beat yourself up (I know it's hard not to). I'm sure he was really proud of you and knew he was a lucky dad to see you/hear from you as often as he did. I'm sure he would not want you to feel bad for not always being able to be there. I'm sure you were enough.
Sufficient_Turn_9209@reddit
Thank you so much. I can say that to myself, but did help to hear it. Even from a faceless fellow xennial. :)
giraffemoo@reddit
lol, what invitation
Clear_Tangerine5110@reddit
Obviously your mileage may vary depending on the quality of your parents. No need to reply as if we all have standard issue parents.
giraffemoo@reddit
gee, thanks for the downvote!
Clear_Tangerine5110@reddit
That wasn’t me, but maybe it’s best not to take it too seriously.
Allaplgy@reddit
My dad is the guy who says "Well howdy stranger! You should call more! Well, gotta go!" so it's kinda pointless either way.
VicFantastic@reddit
Thats why I stopped too
And my mom would constantly hound me to visit. She never sees the grandkids!
What does she do when we get there? Sit and read a book for hours until we get bored and leave.
Then its, "You didn't stay very long, when are you coming back?"
jikt@reddit
When I was 38 I let my parents know that we were owning to move to the other side of the planet. "Oh, but we were planning on becoming more involved with the Grandkids!". At this point my two boys were 2 years old and they had only visited once for a photo opportunity, and to place a burden on us to cook and clean for them during their stay.
Also they had another teenage grand daughter who they barely bothered to keep in touch with - placing all of the obligation on me to glue things together.
absentlyric@reddit
Yep, it was the opposite with me, by the time I got established, my entire family moved 500 miles away, and they have the nerve to ask why I don't have kids? Ever try raising kids without a family support system to help watch them? Thats why.
JoyRideinaMinivan@reddit
I was staying at my parents for a week after my mom’s surgery (dad has Parkinson’s). On day 2, my mom flat out told me to leave. As I was packing up the car, she had the nerve to say “Don’t be a stranger. Come by to visit anytime.”
Yes, I pointed out that I was literally there visiting and she told me to leave.
absentlyric@reddit
Been there, my girlfriend doesn't understand why I only visit my parents for an overnight visit a few times a year, I had to tell her by day 2, we are back to how we used to be, arguing with each other, so 1 day visits are all we got.
iwasnotarobot@reddit
That sucks. I’m so sorry.
mookpa2@reddit
I’m NC, but when I did, all it would be was complaints about the latest issue, her watching tv or gaming on gambling apps. Conversation around the dinner table was a game of “what insult would she to whom and quickly?”
cataholicsanonymous@reddit
You are meeting your obligation then. Good job!
MaternalFornicator2@reddit
I'm the kid on the other half that had to cut off ties with three parents (Dad, Mom, Step-mom).
Impossible-Leek-2830@reddit
As someone who suddenly lost their mom, I’d give anything for just one more phone call.
MaybeICanDoBetterer@reddit
Who's the asshole who downvoted this comment and wtf is wrong with you?
i_nobes_what_i_nobes@reddit
My husband lost his mother on our 1st wedding anniversary and I miss her all the time. She was a wonderful woman and I loved spending time with her. She was also the one who kept the family connected and once she passed his dad and sibling and him just stopped communicating. While I understand why, it’s still hard for me because his family treated me more like a daughter in the decade she knew me than my own parents.
JustHCBMThings@reddit
MexicanVanilla22@reddit
As a fellow orphan, I completely agree.
Otto_Kermitten@reddit
They don’t see you as an equal.
Yellow_Curry@reddit
Because if they call me I assume it means someone died.
Apotak@reddit
My mom had a habit of calling after the funeral. She decided for me that I didn't want to go. I called her out, she did in fact improve her nasty behaviour.
chrisviola@reddit
I feel this, although the last time someone died I got a text. Calls are usually some question that can be answered with a text.
Brief-Cost6554@reddit
Even then, I only ever get an email. (Yes I'm serious)
switheld@reddit
bingo
MissKhary@reddit
My mom is the one who calls me most of the time. I get along great with my parents, it's absolutely not that I don't want to talk to them, I just don't usually pick up the phone unless I have a goal or a question I need to ask, but she likes to just chat for the sake of chatting.
My dad is more like me, we'll talk when we have a reason to talk, but we won't initiate just for no reason. I do love spending time with them, I just like more natural conversations in person vs the forced phone ones!
elsie78@reddit
"We're busy" is exactly why the retired boomers don't call, IMO. They think they're helping by not interrupting and instead expect us to call "when we have time"
Full-March-4700@reddit
They do it on purpose, fucking boomer’s all had kids to feed their ego instead of wanting to actually raise a human.
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
My mom used to tell me "I will never force myself into your life."
I thought she meant she'd never, like, inappropriately use her spare key to my house.
What she actually meant is that she would never reach out to me, I had to reach out to her, at which point she would lay a guilt trip about how we dont have the relationship she wishes we had and we never get to talk.
We do not, in fact, have a relationship now. And as ive developed relationships with some of my extended family (my dad's long since passed, but i am fairly close with his sisters), it's become so clear that it goes both ways. I call them, they call me, it's a back and forth. There's no guilt trips; we are all busy adults with lives. Phones work both ways.
Turns out what my mom wanted was the hero worship to which she felt entitled by virtue of my reaching adulthood, not a true two way relationship with the adult id actually become.
Persis-@reddit
My dad would guilt me about not calling more frequently. But it was because he wanted to tell me all about himself, and all the wonderful things he was doing.
MissyTX@reddit
This is exactly what happened to me too. It frustrated me for a long time but honestly I’m better off without that twisted dynamic.
resourcefultamale@reddit
This is my entire family, siblings and all.
lmcdbc@reddit
Do we have the same mom ?
JP1029384756@reddit
Are we related?
It’s at the point that I would rather avoid all communication because it’s never going to be good enough anyway.
She lays on the guilt trip but doesn’t realize it doesn’t make me feel guilty - it makes me pull away more.
Aronacus@reddit
This is my life currently!
When I call I get yelled at for not calling more often. Then whatever I say gets twisted and told to the rest of the family.
This sounds harsh but she dying and I can't wait for this to be over. My whole life I've been the scapegoat. I WANT OUT!
TodayTight9076@reddit
Fam, I’m dealing with it with both of my (unmarried)parents and one is on hospice. I’m so done. Thank you for saying it directly.
Aronacus@reddit
I think I'm resentful because I was a latch key kid.
From 6 onward.
I had to do it all for myself. Forgot my keys, guess I'm sitting in the rain until somebody comes home 3+ hours later.
We were the "Figure it out!" Generation! And that's why it annoys me that she just wants to lay in bed.
The doctors have even told me, she can walk around, she chooses not too.
larryjrich@reddit
Oh yeah, totally frustrating. Our generation raised ourselves and our parents barely acknowledged our existence growing up. But now they expect us to take care of them in ways they never took care of us. I totally get the feeling.
Ninja-Panda86@reddit
Happened to my latch-key cousin. Her dad left, and her mom remarried. Then her mom left her with her step-father after they divorced. She was technically raised in the house of a man not even related to her, because both bio parents were too busy at the bar. They never went to swim meets or parent-teacher conferences. Once they got too old to party, they suddenly started crying about how she doesn't seem them much anymore, etc. She was raising two kids alone (husband died) and working full time. Then she had to take in the kids of two other cousins that died. Full family, and they have the nerve to say "But. What about me? I'm important you see!" She told them in a letter that "no. you're not. The children are important. I'm putting them first like you should have done me." Her dad is now so old he needs supervision and a place to stay, and it was too late. She couldn't take him in - house was full. And my mom had the nerve to call her and be nasty about it "you're OBLIGATED" - "No aunt. I'm not. I'm obligated to take care of my kids. My dad was obligated to plan for his own end of life care and he didn't."
Aronacus@reddit
Yes! Boomers need to be babied around the clock and I have my own kids to raise. I can't do double duty
Blackbird136@reddit
7 onward for me, and yep. Was home by myself a lot. Had to figure out food. Was afraid a lot of the time. Forgot my keys, had to wait for hours. Was left forgotten after evening school activities for hours a few times. And by 17, neither of my parents lived within an hour of me. My dad didn’t even come to my high school graduation. 🙃
But once I became an adult after college, both parents suddenly wanted/expected a relationship. No apologies. No discussions. It weighs heavy on me every day.
Aronacus@reddit
I understand, and it wasn't fair! Nobody should be put into that position.
The best we can do is give our kids a better life than we had. That's how I will make it alittle better.
tabrazin84@reddit
Going through the exact same thing. Even the dying part.
thesmellnextdoor@reddit
I feel this!
I was no contact with my mom for three years, for very good reasons. During that time she knocked down my door trying to contact me - through my friends, my workplace, letters and packages. It was really disturbing and I honestly considered seeking a restraining order.
I finally, reluctantly, resumed contact with her and now it's crickets. I text and get one word answers or a smiley face in reply. I mean, it's a relief because I don't really want to talk to her anyway, but I think it's all about control in the end.
jen_17@reddit
Control and saving face. They don’t like how an estrangement makes them look to others.
absentlyric@reddit
I hate thinking this way, I love my dad. But there is a teeny, tiny part of me that will be relieved when he is gone, I think moving on will be easier.
Maybe thats just human nature, we naturally just distance ourselves from our parents to focus on our kids if we have them.
Aronacus@reddit
Exactly, I feel like a monster most days.
She, for the past 10 years has had a fully treatable condition. Lymphedema. But refuses to do the PT or any of the compression stuff. So, She has an elephant leg. She'd rather lay in bed all day. The compression gear was ordered, but she doesn't want it. Just wants to watch gameshows all day.
A decade of laying in bed has caused more issues. Her muscles have atrophied. Her lungs are working at 40% which means she's now on a respirator, and her heart is weaker and she may be undergoing heart failure.
TLDR - She's dying because she is willing herself too. The facility where she's at wants her to get out of bed, do the compression, do the PT, We pay for ALL OF IT! She refuses, and becomes combative with the staff.
I honestly, can't wrap my head
fionacielo@reddit
I think human nature is we used to live in multigenerational households so our parents helped raised our kids and everyone stayed close. I was kind of raised at the end of this I guess
DetectiveStrong318@reddit
I think this is a cultural thing. My mother drives me just as nuts as the next person's does, but she lives with me and my family. I'm both relived and annoyed when she goes to on months longs trips to visited extended family.
I like the quiet but at the same time it's nice to have another adult help with the kids and all the household stuff. Her leaving and returning is always has an adjustment period.
Siamese_4737@reddit
This!
LibertyCash@reddit
Are we sisters? Bc I’m pretty sure we have the same mom. Sigh.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
This was my grandma.
purpleWord_spudger@reddit
I say something similar to my adult kids but it's because my mother used to show up unexpectedly, call incessantly, harrass, demand, etc. She's never once respected that I am a separate and distinct individual that she can't steamroll. We are estranged and even though she's trying to chill, my trust and interest aren't there.
So for my kids, I always ask permission and require an enthusiastic yes. The worst part is that I don't always recognize things I view as normal that fall into that category so I am excessively careful. It is what it is.
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
No, I respect that and I think in her mind that's part of where it came from; she felt smothered by her parents and inlaws.
But also, like... just call. If I can't talk, ill say it's not a good time and call you back later. Or just send a text, and don't freak out when it's not immediately returned.
I think asking permission is great! And not what my mom did. She expected an engraved invitation for every interaction. If she wanted to come over, rather than saying "hey can I drop by this Saturday? I can bring pizza if you dont want to cook" she'd sigh about never seeing me and I don't have time for her and I dont want her around til I invited her over, then she'd say no I dont want to put you out, then id have to insist, then she'd say "ok but here's what I dont want for dinner."
So she was, in fact, inserting herself into my life, but she wanted it to be my idea.
purpleWord_spudger@reddit
Yeah, my mom has done something similar in her less aggressive phases through the years. That petty little pity party crap makes my skin crawl. When I see it in anyone, immediate disgust.
Thanks for being so open about ypur experience. I struggle with my oldest two kids especially. I had them young (17/18) and hadn't unlearned any of the toxicity yet. To this day, most of what I understand to be the right way to parent or do much of anything comes from TV and I know that's sus as hell so I am always questioning my judgement a little. This gave me a little perspective
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
Aww i'm glad.
If it helps at all, my goal isnt to not have my kid talking about me in therapy one day; we are all going to mess up as parents. My goal is to not have him talking to his therapist about the same things im talking to mine about. I accept that i'm an imperfect parent like im an imperfect human, but i just don't want to repeat mistakes.
Also, the teen years are hard. I was a surly bitch of a teenager. My gem of a dad got the worst of me (my mom's manipulation tactics played right into a "fuck you imma do what I want" teen rebellion, it was easy to "win me over" by giving me whatever I wanted, because what I wanted required little thought or actual parenting, like any teenager, so she got a slightly less surly bitch). But once i hit like 19/20, my dad and I got much closer and I realized he was actually parenting me through my teens, not trying to be a dick or a friend because those would've been easier. He wasn't perfect and fucked up plenty, but he was accountable. So all that to say, hold the line, and they will come around.
blawblablaw@reddit
Are you my long lost sibling? Because this is the exact phrase my mom would use when I told her she can also call me if she wants to talk, instead of waiting for me to call (after saying things like “oh good, I thought maybe you were dead or something” when I called 🙄)
It_is_a_truth@reddit
My mom used to answer every call with, “oh it’s my long lost daughter” even if we had spoken the week before
DJG513@reddit
Uh.. I don’t know the details of your relationship but maybe just like, call your mom every once in a while?
absentlyric@reddit
You are being downvoted because you probably don't realize is that most of us DID try to reach out, constantly, several times, and yet never get a call back in return. Thats the issue. It's very one sided to have to do ALL the work. Maturity and reaching out goes both ways.
DJG513@reddit
That is a fair reason to be annoyed and not try frequently. Not a fair reason to entirely cut ties with someone who raised you.
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
Who said that was the only reason?
It was a symptom of a much deeper problem that I cut ties over when she aimed at my son.
I would've probably spent my whole life letting her fuck me up; that was just normal. But when i saw her using the same tools on me via him that she used on my dad via me, the manipulation and gaslighting and hurting him to try to make me bend her way like she hurt me to try to bend my dad to her will, it was like a shockwave through my soul. By then, I was an adult and quite capable of telling her mom, you're being insane, please stop.
But my son wasn't, and won't be for a long time. And when I called her on it, I got a whole lecture on how bad her life had been and how bad I had been to her and how bad my dad had been to her and this is the only way she could get me to talk to her (I called her minimum 2-3x a week and never ignored a text).
All she would've had to say was that she was sorry and she'd try to do better. But in that moment, I realized she never had, she never would, and that she would continue to make my son collateral damage until he was old enough to take my place.
Nope. My first allegiance is to my kid, not my mom. And if I ever make him feel one day like I've threatened his kid's emotional, psychological, or physical safety without remorse or accountability, i hope he does the same. If I wont hold myself accountable, I dont deserve to be in his hypothetical kids' lives.
33drea33@reddit
Even serial killers have kids. You have no idea what these people's parents are like.
No one is owed a relationship. Some parents rape, murder, molest, abuse, and some are just self-centered assholes. Be glad your experience growing up left you with such naivete as to not realize this and to blithely butt into this conversation with unwelcome advice. People don't cut off their parents willy nilly.
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
Oh yeah I'd call her like twice a week back when we still talked. I didnt ignore her by any stretch.
But then I'd get "i just dont know why we don't have a relationship, I wish we talked more, you just must not care to talk to me," and id be like ok, I mean, if you wanna talk, call me whenever. I never ignored her calls when she did call, or text, or whatever. She just... never made the first move. And it wasn't like she didnt have a life of her own; she had my step-dad, friends, relatives on his side, her own mom who she only checked on out of a sense of obligation when I couldnt. She wasn't some lonely old lady sitting by herself, she was in her late 50's and perfectly capable of filling her own life, which she did.
She just wanted me to fawn over her all the time.
Obviously it was a symptom of a much deeper problem, but it was one of the things that I started looking hard at once I had a kid of my own and kind of re-setting my normal meter.
33drea33@reddit
Its actually pretty hard when your parent is abusive and uses every opportunity to get their jollies verbally beating you down or telling you how he wants to fuck your friends.
Now fuck off back to your own sheltered reality and let the grown ups talk (see - you're not really inclined to have a relationship with me now, are ya?)
DJG513@reddit
Abuse was never mentioned. I didn’t make assumptions about your life, don’t make them about mine.
33drea33@reddit
You ABSOLUTELY made assumptions about people's lives when you decided to assert your opinion. "I don't know your circumstances but call your parents?" You legit admitted you didn't have the information to make an assertion and yet you did so anyway.
DJG513@reddit
Have a wonderful Saturday.
33drea33@reddit
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's really none of your business.
Do_it_My_Way-79@reddit
Upstairs_Nature9234@reddit
Sounds like a boomer.
anthrax_ripple@reddit
Are we siblings? It's funny, I was literally thinking about this last night in bed. I haven't spoken to my mom since early April. She never texts or calls me, I'm the one expected to reach out every time. It's pretty difficult because I don't even like her very much to begin with, but if she reaches out to me I have no issue talking to her for a hour or two.
96385@reddit
My mom knows I'm busy. She's retired and not really doing much. It's honestly easier for me to call her when I'm free. When she calls me (rarely) I'm not usually available to talk anyway.
Annual_Grass538@reddit
I can just imagine the woman saying that first line and it just makes me want to smack her lol. There are some things I’ll try to not be pushy about with my daughter but I’m never going to make communication with me a burden!
fireferret2650@reddit
Are you me, minus my dad still being here? Both parents act like I have to call and they don't want to ever intrude. It's hard being the only one to really try to iniate all the time. I feel you.
demon_x_slash@reddit
Snort, how on earth is your Mum actually my Dad?
Fickle_Wrangler_7439@reddit
Then don't call them. What's the issue?
I barely talk to my dad. He has nothing to offer me, hasn't since I moved out at 17 and not much before that either.
If he wants to be a part of my life, he can do some of the work. He doesn't, so why should I?
homerj681@reddit
If I don't call or make plans with my family, I would probably never have contact with any of them... Parents and siblings. I thought it was just me. This post was refreshing to stumble across.
Fickle_Wrangler_7439@reddit
Same. I visit in the holidays and that's it. We don't talk in between.
Guilt trips do not work on me apparently. My dad can chose to be a part of my life with all the give and take that entails or he can not.
CT0292@reddit
Nah it ain't just you.
I live quite far away from the rest of the family. Have my own family now. Married with kids.
If I don't reach out to my parents or siblings I'll never hear from them.
Frankly I'm not that bothered about it. They have their own lives, I have mine. I'll see them at weddings and funerals.
mikmck4@reddit
My family is the same way, so I eventually just stopped being the one to initiate contact/make plans.
TrustAffectionate966@reddit
I WISH I could call my father 🥺
NeptuneAndCherry@reddit
Why are they all (and I mean ALL) insane???
SadApartment3023@reddit
They dont call because youre busy and they are hoping you'll call when you have a free moment. They have provided an open invitation to you and are curious why ypu wont accept it. Just call them. At a certain point, you wont have to worry about it anymore.
Signed, An Orphan
absentlyric@reddit
Not to mean any disrespect, but maybe by being an Orphan, you might have created an idealized version of how parents are "supposed" to be in your mind, and think the grass is greener and that everyone that has parents are so lucky, it's not always like that.
Signed, a kid with abusive parents.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
Orphan here who had an abusive parent (the other I didn't know well): you're making a lot of assumptions about "Orphan." What they're saying makes total sense, but obviously doesn't apply if your parent(s) are abusive.
SadApartment3023@reddit
I'm clearly speaking to the OP who doesn't appear to be in an abusive situation or estrangement.
temporary_bob@reddit
Abusive is the key part here.
splatooey123@reddit
That’s true, we are the ones running around and working, they are sitting around at home, and don’t want to disrupt us. I typically call on saturdays when everything isn’t so hectic
giraffemoo@reddit
I tried that, my "free moment" was not my 50 year old mother's "free moment". I tried "just calling", and was labeled as an annoyance.
Allaplgy@reddit
That goes both ways though. My dad is always off with his wife somewhere like Milan or London or St Petersburg or Johannesburg or that blood orgy dimension from Event Horizon of wherever. I'm just here.
cataholicsanonymous@reddit
Ooh, I hear it's lovely this time of year!
TryFine317@reddit
😂😂
deathschlager@reddit
This. My mom doesn't call me but she picks up almost every time I call. On the other end, my dad would call twice a day if I didn't set down boundaries.
slippedintherain@reddit
Both my parents, who were Boomers, are deceased now, but they often called me first. My remaining aunt, who’s also a Boomer, calls me regularly. I don’t know that it’s a generational problem. I’d suggest telling your parents how you feel and maybe they’ll listen and respond.
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
No, it's not a generational thing, and only the younger/less mature among us thing it's a "Boomer thing." It's a human-relationships phenomenon that's as old as communication technology.
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
Yeah, my Boomer parents also call regularly. My main issue is that they tend to call when I'm busy at work (we are dealing with a big time difference).
I'm guessing that a similar issue is at play here: most of the parents are retired, with all the time in the world, and little awareness of when "the kids" are able to talk. They may have called a few times and be made to feel that they were disrupting.
It makes sense that the busier party initiates contact when it's more practical for them to talk. There is also a strong cultural component where the Boomer and earlier generations were taught to respect their elders and to call them every Sunday or so.
All that to say: I usually identify with the issues and posts on this sub, but not with this one. IMHO most Xennials are being unfair to their parents when it comes to the calling thing.
Impossible_Fig2646@reddit
I've been working full time for 25 years. It's not hard to figure out when I'm working.
Besides, it's not the "not calling" that's the issue, it's the attitude. My mom puts in zero effort. My older kids are teens and she's never been to see us. She doesn't pick up the phone when I call, doesn't call me back, then texts me husband asking why I never call. She doesn't accept my special needs child. She still insists on exchanging Christmas presents even though we haven't wanted to in years and she never picks something out I'd actually like. It's the same narcissistic crap I grew up with.
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
Sorry to hear about your mom's terrible attitude and lack of interest. Do you think it's a universal Boomer parent thing? It certainly isn't in my Latino or South European circles --I cannot think of a single friend who describes their parents that way. Must be a gringo thing.
temporary_bob@reddit
Not a gringo thing or at least not in my or my husband's families or our friends. Might be socioeconomic class correlated to some extent of geographic...?
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
As someone else mentioned, guess the ones who comment are the ones from dysfunctional families.
Impossible_Fig2646@reddit
Universal, hardly. Not every parent is like mine. A lot of my friends' are, though. Funny enough it's my Mexican friends' parents who actually show up the most.
slippedintherain@reddit
I often don’t identify with parent posts here. I’m an only child and I was very close with my parents. I’ve struggled quite a bit now that they’re both gone and I’d give anything to be able to give them a call again.
temporary_bob@reddit
Same
temporary_bob@reddit
What I've learned on this sub is that the level of dysfunction in families is highly variable and not generational. (And it's very high in this sub or the dysfunctional are the ones who comment). There are plenty of xennial kids who have decent relationships with their parents and they call each other time to time. There must be.
There might be a tendency to not initiate by the parents because at this point in life we're very busy (that's our in laws) but we call and visit fairly regularly and they're always grateful and thrilled with the attention and time so that's fair.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
If you call at the same time every week, why would they think they were bothering you if they called at that time instead?
I guess the other question would be, if yoi told your parents you call me then, would they ? Mine wouldn't anyway. That's the difference
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
My mom would for sure. My dad us more old fashioned and would expect me to initiate more often, just as he called his mom up to her death.
Relationships will always be a balance between what each party considers right. You may explicitly say they should call, but your wishes aren't the only relevant factor.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
What an odd preachy statement. In that example your wishes don't even get considered. they aren't considered relevant. Which is what people have been saying.
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
What I'm trying to say is that every relationship requires a compromise. If you have two people, one wants to go left and the other right, there is no third option, then what is the fair solution? And what people here seem to forget is how deep the programming of the older generations go re respect to elders. If that is all you saw growing up, it'll be very hard to leave it behind. My father has made a big effort to leave behind the many bigoted views he geew up with and has made great progress but is far from a typical Xennial. He can't be, he grew up in a very different world.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
Hey, if he hates trans people a little less then what's you having to call him every time , right?
BrokenLipstick1126@reddit
My dad is a boomer and calls me every other week or so. My mom is also a boomer and if I didn't call her a few times a year, we would never speak. I don't really think this is generational, though - I think some people are the type to want to reach out and chat, and some are not.
Express_Signal_8828@reddit
There can be som many reasons. My partner is n only child, his parents adore him....but they never call, they are terrified of interrupting him.
lowercasenameofmine@reddit
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Uhhh no.
ngless13@reddit
Yeah, I've tried. And given up. I'll admit I don't have the best relationship with my parents, and at this point I've accepted that.
But it is frustrating that they never call me. Sadly that's only deepened the divide.
detourne@reddit
Same here. Haven't spoken to my dad in 6 years as he's made no effort in contacting me in any form. I'm barely in touch with my mom, and we message each other a few times a month.
CrotalusHorridus@reddit
My parents are both boomers. I lost all my grandparents except 1 before I was born or very young
The remaining grandmother, was a greatest generation, lived through WWII, husband served in Korea, spent the depression as a kid living in a tent with dirt floor.
She showed up to our house ALL THE TIME. Always uninvited, often as we were walking out the door to some event or trying to have dinner on a weekday.
It drove my parents bonkers.
I feel my parents are giving me the space they never had.
I talk to them a couple times a week. Usually texting about the grandkids.
I live a couple hours away so they don’t just show up.
djsynrgy@reddit
Been doing that for years with zero progress. If I don't call, we don't talk.
PeterGibbons316@reddit
You said it.... you're busy. Maybe they just don't want to interrupt your busy life? Maybe just try to take 5 minutes out of your week to call your parents when you have a little time to spare?
suckacheetasdick@reddit
The guilt trip is so real though.
Rustymarble@reddit
Maga mom, all grey rock, she doesn't actually care what's going on in my life and I don't wanna be preached at. No one is making phone calls around here.
After_Preference_885@reddit
Fox started the process of ruining their brains, Facebook finished it
Ornery_Math3282@reddit
This is where I am too. 😞
Agent17@reddit
My folks call me more than my siblings
damselbee@reddit
Dang we have very different parents.
Ditzy_Davros@reddit
A word of advice... don't be too busy. Those loved ones won't be around forever. And it gets more lonely the older you get. We all have lives, we all are busy. But if we don't have time for our loved ones.. what was the point of life anyway?
TransportationOk657@reddit
I see my parents in person a lot, despite that, my dad still calls me nearly everyday.
0dayssince@reddit
You sound unpleasant
stellarduchess@reddit
I’m sorry that’s your experience. It sounds like I’m fortunate to have a two-way street.
MartialBob@reddit
My father's dead so calling him while kind of cool would be also a little scary.
My mother is one of those women from the boomer generation who never was truly independent. She lived with her parents until her mid-twies and then she married my father and moved in with him. I don't think she paid any bills until she was in her mid to late '50s. Right now she lives in a 55 and over development and doesn't drive anymore. Fortunately my father earned enough money that the development in question is actually quite large and has things like a pharmacy on campus as well as a restaurant and social activities. Even so, getting my mother to do anything independently is like pulling teeth. She has this kind of learned incompetence that drives me up the wall. If I don't call her on a regular basis I think she thinks I don't love her.
chocolatepig214@reddit
My mum and I call each other a couple of times a week. My other half’s mother never contacts us (unless she wants something). She has never shown an ounce of interest in our daughters and now that they are adults, moans about not having a relationship with them. One had life-threatening surgery a few years ago and she never rang to see how she was. Same kid has just passed the bar exam - no call. Youngest is about to graduate university - I guarantee no call. I had breast cancer twice and she never contacted us. It hurts my partner so much and makes me angry. He cherishes my Mum, so at least that’s something.
travelinmatt76@reddit
My dad stopped calling after I clearly stated my boundaries. No texts or calls before 9am, and not after 9pm. He uses the excuse that he doesn't know my work schedule so he doesn't want to wake me despite constantly telling him that if I'm asleep during the day my ringer is off.
The_best_is_yet@reddit
Wow I can’t believe how similar things are in this thread to my parents. Reading this really helps me realize I’m not alone in this. Thanks guys.
temporary_bob@reddit
Wow. As someone who lost my parents by age 25 and would give anything to be able to call them again... This thread is so fucking depressing. Also as someone who will call my daughter and do whatever it takes to be in her life as she grows up... Doubly depressing.
Elegant-Aerie-1233@reddit
I can’t remember the last time I call my dad. Probably over a year now. He never ever calls me. My mom would call me and I would call her but she died in 2020. My husband and I call our kids on Sunday and text throughout the week.
Maxtrt@reddit
It's to let them know that they landed safely after taking a flight. I'm 57 and I'm in the aviation industry and it's very common.
switheld@reddit
my dad instituted a phone-home on Sundays policy when I moved out of the house to college and have kept it up beyond that time. i do have to call them, but it works well for us. I'm super busy so call when I have the time during the day, and they know what day to expect me to call so don't get offended when I'm not calling during the busy work week. We (my mom, dad when he was alive, and sister) all chat for about an hour each week.
It has worked for 25+ years 🤷♀️
guiltypleasures82@reddit
I mean, its because I'm busy that my parents never call me. I would never answer because I was working, so we finally fell into them saying, call us when you're not busy. They are retired, they have much more open schedules and I'd rather that than constantly having to ignore their calls because I'm working or doing extracurriculars at odd hours. And if I go to long without calling they start texting :)
cleopatra4president@reddit
The parent is permanently in the position of power, no matter how old their child becomes. The parent should regularly initiate.
downhereforyoursoul@reddit
My dad only ever calls me when he’s driving home in his truck, and there’s a dead spot he goes through every time, so either the call is dropped or one or both of us is going, “Hello? You there…? What…? I can’t hear…” And so on in that fashion until he’s through the dead zone or I’ve hung up in frustration.
Butsoanyway, I asked him if he’d maybe mind not always calling me from his truck because of the bad connection issues on that road, or at least waiting until after he’s through that stretch to call me. I mean it’s one spot on the highway, he knows when he’s coming up to it and when he’ll have passed it; it’s not like it moves around. A heads-up at least would be polite. I thought my request was fairly reasonable, but he just stopped calling me completely. I finally called him 3 months later because I’m just really not a phone-call person, but being ignored was starting to sting a little.
Like, it’s got to be the way he prefers it or nothing. Kind of a microcosm of my entire experience of being a daughter, now that I think about it. 🫠
Now my mom was an early adopter of texting, and I much prefer that. We do still talk sometimes, but not every little thing requires a whole-ass conversation.
No_hero_here@reddit
When I was a 6 my parents divorced, dad got custody. My mom and my grandma on my mom’s side would give me guilt trips for days for not calling her. I was 6. I once innocently asked if her phone was broken. I caught hell for that. Yeah, we do t talk much anymore.
metalchode@reddit
Our parents don’t want to “bother us”.
burgundyblue@reddit
My dad always says, “I don’t know if you guys are busy.” Also that my kid is too shy to talk, but he’s 12 now, and he sees them never calling.
ZorrosMommy@reddit
Not uncommon but still difficult to deal with.
r/AgingParents
import-glib@reddit
You absolutely do not have to call your parents.
PopcornSurgeon@reddit
My mom has called me like 10 times in the 30 years since I turned 18 - half of those times to report the death of an extended family member - and she is shocked that my siblings and I only call her infrequently ourselves. Where does she think we learned this from?
bcentsale@reddit
Every situation and every relationship is different. You don't have to if you don't want to. You can if you do. I call my grandma 2x a week because she's awesome for raising me and I love her. Haven't spoken to my parents in 6 years and have no intent to change that. My father died last year and I only went to the funeral because my wife made me. I walked out of the mass because I physically couldn't stomach all the BS the priest was spouting about how wonderful the abusive bastard was.
armchair_viking@reddit
Glad you still have a grandparent. The three that were alive when I was born have all passed.
bcentsale@reddit
She just hit 101 and still cooks for herself and anyone that she can!
armchair_viking@reddit
That’s awesome. Hug your grandma for me!
InigoMontoya2725@reddit
You are not obligated to speak to an abusive parent. Let your guilt go.
bcentsale@reddit
Yep. It took me 39 years to figure that out.
mjh8212@reddit
I call my dad and he says he doesn’t want to talk on the phone tells me how much he doesn’t like it. Conversations are short. I haven’t talked to my brother in over a decade but my dad calls him or he calls my dad and they talk a lot. I’ve always been the black sheep my brother isn’t. My mom and dad seem to favor him but I’m just now realizing my dad’s favoritism towards him cause he’s always treated us equally. I’m okay with it I keep in contact with my kids I message them they call me. I’ll be seeing my dad when I visit family but my brother has never flown to visit or offered my dad a ticket to come see him.
smokiechick@reddit
My dad said that once I was an adult, the reaching out was now my job. And then he'd answer the phone, "howdy, stranger." We have not spoken since 2019 because I haven't called him. At some point, we stopped sending birthday and Christmas cards.
My mother has been living with me for over 10 years, now.
SentientLight@reddit
I don’t call my parents. They don’t call me. We have a fine relationship. Just not our thing.
I don’t think this is a generational thing, just an individual family dynamics thing.
just321askin@reddit
My retired dad complains if I don’t visit him, a three hour flight away, but he’s never once visited me at my own home in over twenty years, despite my inviting him. Last time I saw him here he was passing through on a business trip.
PotentialPlum4945@reddit (OP)
I hear that. I've lived 5 states away for well over a decade. He's been here once. And just like you I was a minor detour on another trip he'd had planned. Goes on Caribbean cruises every goddamn year though.
Eastern-Fruits@reddit
You’re projecting your own relationship with your parents onto others. My mom calls me all the time, and I her. I know plenty of others that are similar.
PotentialPlum4945@reddit (OP)
Well, I have over 700 upvotes so I don't think I'm projecting that much.
Blankman_1999@reddit
I stopped calling my dad in 2014 and my mom in 2022. We haven't spoken since. Everytime I did call them it felt like I was reporting in, only give them the quick and dirty details then they would have to go. Only time the conversation went on longer than five minutes was when they were talking about themselves.
flossiedaisy424@reddit
My mom would call me every day if I wanted her to. I hate talking on the phone and I’m surprised all of you actually want people to call you. I don’t want anyone to call me. My mom texts me now when she wants to tell me something and I call her when I have a free moment.
thesearemyfaults@reddit
Not sure if it was mentioned but dementia (including “mild cognitive impairment”/MCI) makes them antsy and think things like people don’t love or care about them…when you call or text they feel reassured. It’s like this with my 82 yo dad at least. We talk maybe 2-3x a week but I text pic gifs like “goodnight” and “happy Friday” etc so he knows I’m thinking of him. He prefers images and emojis and CAPS font lol
Sanchastayswoke@reddit
My boomer mom used to complain bitterly about this same thing with her Dad. Now she does it to me.
Illystylez619@reddit
Idk what kind of parents ya'll have but I live in the same complex as my Dad and Uncle, even when I didn't Dad texted me everyday. My mom lives in another state so if I dont contact her for a day or two she will text me to make sure I am alive. I also still will call my Mom to ask her adulting questions if I am not sure about something. 😆
Left_Maize816@reddit
The older generation had to reach out to their parents. They probably grumbled the same way and heard from their parents that they don’t call enough. Boomers like to perpetuate cycles. It’s incumbent upon later generations to be more communicative with successive generations.
As an aside, when we get to teenage years and later, we are more private and tend to push away our parents for being intrusive. When that happens, teenagers lash out and parents retreat. They decide to let you come to them instead of intruding
CDA_CPA@reddit
The only parent I have left is my stepmom and she prefers to text. So basically I’m a lucky ass bitch.
DiscoLibra@reddit
My parents have never been phone talkers. I have friends who talk to their mom everyday. I talk to my mom, well, tomorrow is mother's day, so I'll call her, but we talk on the phone once a month. I do send her texts and vice versa at least once a week just to let her know I'm still alive and safe.
boodgooky@reddit
I don’t. I told my mom she’s retired and I am a single parent working full-time. She can call whenever she wants, she can come visit, whatever. I will make the time, but it hardly crosses my mind to call her bc we aren’t close. She wants to be close but isn’t willing to do the work to get there. Because that would mean facing her choices to stay married to someone who abused my sister. Nope. It makes me sad because I do love my mom and I think we could have an alright relationship, but she prioritizes her husband (not our dad) over her kids.
faeriechyld@reddit
My mom's excuse is always that she doesn't know if I'm working or busy. I tell her that she can text first or just give it a shot, if I'm working my phone is on silent. But if I don't call, it'll be weeks or months until we talk
My dad is actually pretty good about reaching out if it's been a week or two. He'll often text first to make sure I'm not busy but sometimes he'll just give me a ring.
iamthe0ther0ne@reddit
For me, it's because I have a difficult relationship with my parents. I love them because they're family, and the only ones I really have, but they've said and done awful things. When they called me, it felt like an intrusion I wasn't prepared to handle. When I call them, I can wait until I'm in a good head space.
sevalle13@reddit
I don't get this mindset. I text my kids all the time. We keep an open 2 way communication. We may not talk every single day but we both initiate communication
CinnamonBun-ZSD@reddit
They had my number, my email. Never once called. Never once texted unless I did first. I only get an email when someone dies. Not once visited but I was expected to spend thousands to see them even though they are very well off and retired.
My dad was in hospice for a week, lucid until the end and no one bothered to let me know. He died and mum waited a few days to tell me - in email - on my birthday.
So that was last year and I never intend to speak to her ever again, safe bet she will never make the attempt anyway and blame me for being a shitty daughter.
remoteworker9@reddit
My family has a big text chain so I don’t need to call my parents.
davej07@reddit
Because the day will come, as it with me, when you won’t be able to call them again.
crm000@reddit
My mother has accidentally called me not once, but twice. She was trying to look at her call history to see how long it had been since I called her.
When I answered she told me that directly and tried to play the victim and guilt me.
Traditional_Ad_1547@reddit
From my mom- I get the occasional, "we haven't talked all week". Meanwhile, throughout the week we had been exchanging pictures of our flowers that have recently bloomed. I count this as communication
From my dad- 8am phonecall about what new birds he saw and what the squirrels did that morning. Then we don't talk for 2 weeks, no guilt. He understands I don't "chat", mom just never figured that out.
AuntArtemis@reddit
We don’t. I have been calling my adult kids every week at the same time for years. They love it and it has strengthened our bond. I’ve told my mother how precious the weekly call has been. She said she would call me every week too. After the first time she became too busy. You get what you give.
MrdnBrd19@reddit
Last time I talked to my bio dad was like 11 years ago, which was the last time we had talked in 10 years before that. He ended the conversation saying "I'll give you a call next week, we need to stay in touch.". He never called again. Apparently he complains we don't talk on Facebook.
Saxboard4Cox@reddit
My parents didn't cope well when I was away at college. Sometimes they would call me and just chew me out because they couldn't find something at home. My roommates and I had a shared landline and my roommates had to step in and screen my calls so I could study and do homework in peace.
This is how I created space in the parental relationship and I still use this blue print decades later. Calls are infrequent, timed to be short, have a specific goal or agenda and stay on point. If I don't follow these rules what ends up happening is a long rambling, very exhausting, stressful conversation where I am given a lengthly to do list at the end. The games we play to protect personal and mental boundaries.
Fantastic_Net_4308@reddit
I can say with full honesty moving an hour away and stopping initiation were the best decisions my spouse and I made. Sometimes it's hard with zero support for our young kiddos. But when closer, the support was more causing constant headaches than anything else.
I never thought merely adopting a different parenting style would be taken as such an insane offense. Their generation has so much trauma that few ever experienced healing from. We just decided cycles shouldn't continue.
bonefish@reddit
It’s fascinating that others deal with this. My mother literally will never communicate. Never calls, never visits. The burden is 100% on me. Good to know it’s not just my mom.
sporkily@reddit
I'm no contact with my mom now, but when I wasn't I had to be the one to call her. She would call on my birthday and that was about it. When I called her on a holiday, it was always "I knew you would call me!" in a cheery voice. When I didn't call, she would call me the next day or later and leave a message sounding sad/sick saying she didn't call because she was sick. Sometimes even in the hospital. She would often tell me on calls that she wished we had a better relationship, but at the same time she was always rushing me off the phone because she didn't want to take up my time or she had to get to work or to class or go take care of pets she was watching. 🙄🙄🙄
My dad raised me so we have very similar traits. We're both quiet and I hate talking on the phone. Sitting in silence on the phone is so awkward 🫠😂
FreshStartFeelsGood@reddit
I’m skeptical that all the people in here bitching and moaning about their parents aren’t part of the problem.
Vectors2_Final@reddit
Or you could practically beg your dad to come meet his grandchild and offer a full expense paid trip and still have him refuse to go because "they're busy" or insert whatever excuse you like.
It's not like we never visited, either... but it's a two way street. Don't say you want to come, and when you run out of excuses not to go because it's paid for, just keep pumping the brakes.
My older son lived maybe within \~20 minutes of him and he never asked to see one time in over a decade.
Then you don't have to call them at all ever, because I don't anything to do with anyone who doesn't want anything to do with me and I'd rather not have the little one have the heartache of a flaky ass grandparent.
If my mom was still around, she'd probably kick his ass.
/rant
therustedrobot@reddit
My dad is the exact same. I hope he enjoys never knowing anything about his grandsons.
Vectors2_Final@reddit
Yeah, it sucks... My mom passed when I was 16 and he remarried a few years later. Probably good for him, because she arguably saved his life as he fell into some heavy drinking and shit. She's a very nice woman, and I have no issues with her.
He still has no idea why I haven't talked to him in eight years... like you can figure it out? Don't lie and lie about coming and then don't. Things might have just been better off if he was honest about it.
I met my grandpa on my mom's side for the first time ever in 2023... had no idea he who he was and that he existed. Long story.
But you know what he did? He flew his ass out and saw us almost immediately because he wanted to meet his grandsons. Wild concept, right?
therustedrobot@reddit
That’s amazing about your grandpa. Happy you were able to connect with him!
Ornery_Math3282@reddit
My mom called me once at college on a weekend, and I said something bratty about not wanting her to interfere with my going out plans. So she said she wouldn’t call me again, and that I could call her. Over the years, I routinely ask her to reach out if she wants to talk and she will say that I told her I didn’t want her to call me. I graduated college in 2000, she has held onto it for this long. She’s maga and we have nothing in common but I try to reach out. Usually she will tell me she is “busy” aka watching tv, and to call back later. Yet I’m the jerk for not calling enough. I loved talking to my dad, he’s been gone for a few years and I wish I could talk to him again.
thats0Ktoo@reddit
There’s a common misconception in our parent’s generation that they are bothering us if they call because we are so busy. As someone who recently lost a parent, just call them when you can. My parent could play these games, too, but when they’re gone, you realize all of that is just noise and nonsense. Just call them and tell them you love them.
Gluten-Free-Jesus@reddit
Every time I call my mom, I get a rundown of everything that’s happened at church, a list of people who are sick and dying, and complaints about my youngest sister and her oldest son. (My sister and three of her kids live with my mom.)
She never asks questions. If I try to talk about my own life, she gives generic responses before turning the conversation back to one of her go-to topics.
But I apparently “live in my own little world,” and she’s miffed that I don’t call more often.
LilithWasAGinger@reddit
My mom and I fight about this all the time
LKayRB@reddit
“Well I never know if you’re busy!!!” Ok fucking call and if I’m busy, I’ll text you. If I’m not, I’LL ANSWER! Goddammit.
mohaveghosts@reddit
I moved one street over from my Dad and we always ate dinner together, I would even drop it off to him sometimes. My mother lived with me. I’d give anything material in this world for five more mins.
The_Platypus_Says@reddit
I stopped calling my mom. I’ve told her countless times the phone works both ways and she’s old enough to know how to dial it.
hollys_follies@reddit
I cannot stand talking on the phone, but I talk with my parents every day.
We have a group family chat with my sibling that we text through daily. I text them individually just about every day too. Way less stress than having my cell ring or carving out time to talk.
It’s nice because when I’m out, I share photos of my day and travels and they do the same. It’s like we’re friends now that I’m an adult.
iheartpyrex@reddit
I pretty much only text mine.
sherahero@reddit
My mom, before she died, used to tell me that phones worked both ways because I would never call her. I wish I could call her now, she's been gone over 15 years.
CupcakeEither7831@reddit
If you have a decent relationship with your parents you should reach out every once in a while even just to say hi... yeah phones work both ways but they are probably less inclined to use it because they know you are busy. I lost my father and mother in law way before their time... I miss them dearly and wish I would have reached out more. Maybe got a recording of them just saying hi and they loved me or something stupid like that. I have since made sure to call my own mother at least once a week. Even just to leave a text message.
jgzman@reddit
My mother has no sense of appropriatness. She'll try to call me during work hours, or during my Friday night activities, or 8am Sunday morning.
FergalCadogan@reddit
I have the kids every other week. Every time they ask to see grandma. I guess the bright side is that I don’t get dinged for not calling.
dreamingwindows@reddit
I'm now a grandparent and my mom and grandma are still living. I rarely communicate with either of them until my mom had to come live with me when she got breast and lung cancer. I still avoid having any conversation that isn't a must.
She lies about the past pretending she was this amazing mom ( she wasn't she chased men even though she was married). When she isn't doing that she is snapping at me and putting me down.
I see my grandchildren every single weekend. I worked at home and nights for 5 years so I could be their day care provider. I speak to all 4 of my sons a few dozen times a day. Through text or calls. My grandbabies randomly FaceTime me often. I started out raising my kids the way I was raised and then realized I didn't want them to be harmed the way I was. I can't stand talking to my mom. She can never say sorry, refuses to acknowledge any harm she has done or does.
To put the icing on the cake I support her financially and make sure she has all the extra medical she needs. Yet, my sister who only calls her for money and constantly screams at her, makes her medical decisions. I am fine with that but it's PMO that I have to pay for anything not covered by Medicare.
There is something about that generation and even some Gen X that makes them think they're entitled to harming others. Yet, they think they should be kept on a pedestal. I swear I'm waiting to be free but I feel guilty for that.
Witty-Stock-4913@reddit
Listen, I have an array of issues with Gen X and Boomers. But this is as a direct response to an entire generation telling them don't call us because we're too busy to talk and don't expect us to care for you because we have our own stuff. Also remember that their parents put a lot of demands on them and called them constantly and this is a natural reaction to that.
I have a great relationship with my parents and they don't call me often because they know I have a ton of stuff on my plate right now. They also dropped everything and moved across the country for me when I got cancer, so... yeah...
SailorCredible@reddit
Before my mom died, she would call me or I would call her every Sunday, or I'd call her earlier in the week to see if she'd want to take my daughters for the weekend. We got close after my kiddos were born.
EJWoods@reddit
Mom has dementia, wish I could have a phone call with her the way she always was before. Sometimes I have dreams where I’m chatting with her about nothing special. It sucks to wish for something so simple.
Luckily in person she’s still happy to see everyone, and loves to see the kids play.
Hard to see your parents age - it’s very tough on Dad, but he won’t admit it.
jikt@reddit
Fucking tell me about it!
In the 2000s, after leaving home, I realised it was pointless to pay for a land-line and mobile phone plan when the only people calling my land-line were telesales.
Mum said, "but how will we call you?".
"When have you ever called me in the past 5 years?"
Even now 20 years later.
iwasnotarobot@reddit
That sucks. I’m so sorry.
Seems to be a common theme with too many of us and our parents.
jikt@reddit
Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm not great at keeping in touch either.
absentlyric@reddit
My dad was like that when I deleted Facebook (he's the typical boomer who needs to argue on Facebook constantly) he asked how would he contact me? I told him..through the telephone? My number hasn't changed since 2004. I've reached out several times, but he rarely ever calls.
Maleficent-Sleep-346@reddit
My dad tried that with me. Told me that it was the child's responsibility to stay in touch and keep the relationship going. Just because he did what his parents told him to do doesn't mean it was right or that I (or my siblings) have to. I called him out on it and was told I'm mistaken and that this is just a "generational thing" and kids don't respect their parents anymore. No, I am an adult now and we will have an adult-adult relationship. No wonder my dad and I can only talk about books, movies, and music. Absolutely surface level and nothing too deep.
jmurphy42@reddit
My parents do call, but only if they haven’t heard from me in at least a week. Mom says it’s because she knows we’re very busy and doesn’t want to bother us in the middle of something. She texts every few days too.
SeaSkimmer2@reddit
I’ve lived about 5 hours away from my Father (late 70s) and stepmother (80s) for about a decade after relocating across the state for a job. Pretty much every phone call since with my father (once every few months), to this day, includes the same questions: “So do you like it over there?” “Are you making any friends?” Like I’m a 43-year old kindergartner.
And every time I happen to come down to visit (maybe once a year), he does nothing but sit on his recliner and stare at NCIS with the volume way too loud, occasionally asking a question which I can barely hear and I have to repeat my response. I simply can’t get past small-talk with him (I try) for several hours until it’s time to leave, while my step-mother actually talks non-stop about medical issues and medications/dosages/regiments the whole time.
I always leave wondering…again…why I even bothered.
Acceptable_Usual1646@reddit
Wondering as well. Laat time I called them was 5 years ago. They did not return the favor till date
BitterestLily@reddit
This isn't how it works for me. We usually talk around dinnertime--I text my dad that I'm sitting down to dinner and when he and my mom are doing the same, he gives me a call.
eaglegrad07@reddit
My mom got offended when I was in college if she called and I told her “I’m busy, can I call you back later?” I would call her back, but apparently I greatly offended her by not dropping whatever I was doing to talk to her. She eventually quit calling me and complaining if we didn’t talk at the cadence she wanted. Would not call me going forward.
Worked the same way with visits. My parents came 1 time to visit me in college (I was 4 hours away). Not exactly sure what I was supposed to do, but apparently me going back to my apartment to sleep and meeting them again in the morning was a problem. They never visited again under the excuse of “I didn’t make time for them.” I had to go to them pretty much ever since.
thetrappster@reddit
Devli's advocate - they're not calling because we're busy, they dont want to interrupt or be a burden.
CaptShrek13@reddit
This is wild. I don't frequent this sub as often as I could but this is probably the most divided I've ever seen a topic in here. Almost aggressively divided, and in maybe more than 2 ways. I think it's our nature to be split amongst the generations and it's showing here. I would attribute talking on the phone to older generations, while the younger ones would rather text.
VWBug5000@reddit
No one here is aggressively divided. We have different stories, but no one is arguing or being aggressive. I think you are being a bit dramatic
CaptShrek13@reddit
The dramatic side is the younger generation. Saying what comes to my mind without thinking is the older generation. And you are correct, no one was arguing, aggressive isn't the right word here.
lab_sidhe@reddit
I am not contact with my mom but my dad and I talk regularly. We trade off who contacts who and it's good.
However my husband has a board in his office that has a date written on it. 11/18/2020. That is the last time his parents contacted him. Almost 2000 days ago. He will call them but they have made it clear that they can't be bothered to reach out.
Foreign_Kale8773@reddit
Honestly teaching my mom to text was both a blessing and a curse. She sends me more memes and sometimes what should have been a Google search bc she hit the wrong icon, but it means she reaches out to me. She still calls just to check in if I don't reply to the memes, but the texting is a good thing.
bs6@reddit
Idk the last time my parents called me. My kid’s bday was a couple weeks ago and I realized that she didn’t talk to them the day of. My wife said as we were going to be, “we forgot to call your parents” and my first thought was “why the fuck is that always my job? Why can’t they pick up the phone instead of being passive aggressive about it?”
ShillinTheVillain@reddit
I have the opposite problem. My parents both retired in the last few years and will now just call randomly in the middle of the day as if they forgot how the world works.
Dad: "Hey, what are you doing?"
It's 10:30 a.m. on a Wednesday, so... working. Is everything OK?
"Yeah, just working on the garden. Did you watch the game last night?"
Then I feel like an asshole for having to cut short because... I'm at work. Like a normal human.
MetalEnthusiast83@reddit
lol what is wrong with you people.
Wet_Blanket_Award@reddit
In what sense?
clumsyGarden@reddit
If they call you and your always busy or looking for a way out of a conversation or to not visit them when they say they miss you they kind of feel like they're imposing and step back.
We adult children are pretty busy and moving at a different pace than our parents. Relationships do work both way but no one wants to feel like they're forcing it.
If you don't want to have that kind of relationship with your parents for whatever reason I think its best to be honest that way both parties can move on. Most non abusive parents still love you and think of you even when you don't think they do.
One day we will also be empty nesters wishing to see our children and grandchildren if we are lucky more than we will because life makes us too busy.
This is just my opinion and observation as someone who takes care of their elderly mother whose children don't always call and hardly visit. I am the youngest and care for her in most senses.
Wet_Blanket_Award@reddit
Okay so this is just a boomer thing? I thought my parents were the only weirdos like this.
clicktrackh3art@reddit
My parents move fostered an environment of open communication. They never actively engaged with me and my interests. They never showed any interest in the person I was growing into.
And now, when I have grown into that person, and had to go through the whole process of reparenting myself, doing they work they never did. And have a whole wonderful life built, they wonder why I see my obligated communication as burden. Well I don’t see it as a burden, I allot exactly as much energy to it as it deserves, and expect exactly as much superficial interaction as I get, for the one parent I still communicate with, but now that I have set these clear bounds, they wonder why I keep my life so private.
You reap what you sow. I focus much more on my relationship with my children than my parents. I’m hoping to not make the same mistakes.
skinflakesasconfetti@reddit
I took care of both of my parents, and they lived with me before they died, but before that, when I lived on my own we spoke every couple of days because I was at that time, a single woman living on her own, and my parents worried because they watched a lot of true crime shows like The New Detectives, and they just wanted a quick check in to make sure I was still alive, and honestly, I liked the little quick chats before bed.
Every few weeks I'd have them over for a nice home cooked Sunday dinner, or I'd take them to a diner for a chatty lunch, and that was the best time for all 3 of us in terms of relationships and good memories.
I had a lot of friends whose parents stopped talking to them the day they moved out, I know a lot of them stopped trying to include them in their lives because it's draining to try and constantly keep a one sided conversation going.
absentlyric@reddit
I get this all the time from my dad. He has Facebook, I do not. So the only way I can communicate with him is through the phone. Apparently I have to reach out to him all the time, if I don't, the only time I'll get a call will be on Christmas or my Birthday.
The worst part, he lies and claims he calls all the time and I don't answer, that is NOT true, if I get a call and I don't answer, I always call back. But he's the one that left and moved 500 miles away with a new family, retired with all the time in the world, so Im honestly exhausted I have to make all the moves.
Maybe I should just get facebook and pretend to be a liberal, THEN he would love to argue with me all the time every single day like he does with other family members, all day.
studiokgm@reddit
Dude… I’m the only person in my family that knows how the phone works. It dawned on me when one of my sisters asked me to pass a message to the other sister next time we talk. Nobody knows how to stay in touch. Apparently it’s a skill that nobody else developed.
Memoradum747@reddit
Same with visits. We live 3hrs north of my parents. We’ve lived here for over 10yrs now. We see my family at least 2x a year every year.
My parents have come up to visit exactly 1 time in those 10+yrs. (Even thought they drive by once in awhile for road trips and such)
Forward-Dependent159@reddit
One time I decided to see how long it would take my mother to call me if I didn't call her first. Months went by with no communication. I just went about my business living my life wondering how long it would take for her to call. Then, months later I got the nastiest text from my aunt asking me what my problem was and why I hated everyone in the family.
sgdaughtry@reddit
Omg! You too?!
Ihatebigmosquitos@reddit
I know tons of people that wish they could still call their parents. Consider yourself lucky that you still can.
RiotPurrrl@reddit
I remember saying to my therapist that basically if I want a relationship it’s entirely on me because my mom will generally never initiate communication. She claims we’re all busy and she doesn’t want to bother us but it drives me up a wall. Phones are meant for *two-way* communication
Top-Pudding-4139@reddit
My parents call me, but gave me a guilt trip about not seeing them enough. They lived in a nearby town for 10 years (up to 60 minute highway drive). Saw them monthly or more plus all holidays and birthdays. They never told us they wanted to see us more and we thought everything was great.
When they moved to another state they said "well we don't see you very often anyway". They told all of their friends and family they rarely saw us because we didn't have time for them. Wtf? It was a bit of a kick in the face.
I try to soothe myself thinking maybe it was my mom's dementia showing itself and my dad just going along with it. 🤷♀️
I grew up with them very hands off. Typical Gen X in that way. So why are boomer parents all involved now? Regrets??
Historical-Piglet-86@reddit
I feel this in my bones.
“I haven’t heard from you in a few days - I was going to call you but I didn’t want to bother you”.
Mother - your phone works. You also have the ability to text. YOU can reach out to me too! It’s allowed!
I know this will never change.
FlipFlopsnWhatnots@reddit
I currently feel the same way. My mom always called my grandma because it was long distance & didn’t want my grandma to pay to call her. My mom feels I should call her because she always called her mom. I’ve tried telling her I’m not her & she’s not my grandma but apparently I’m the teacher from Charlie Brown; she’s not hearing it. Also my mother can’t figure out how to call me without it being a FaceTime call
Cast2828@reddit
Because most of are parents are retired with a lot of free time on their hands while we have much more busy lives. They could call us all the time if they wanted to, constantly interrupting whatever we are doing. They remember what it was like now in this stage of our lives juggling, work, kids, and running a household. By putting the onus on us, it allows us to signal when we have the time to spare. Its too bad you can't have these honest conversations with your parents and grandparents like I was able to.
Cyclibant@reddit
The onus to build & maintain the parent-child relationship is not on the offspring - it's on the parent. Parent & child will never be peers, regardless of age. Of course, many parents groom their kids to believe the opposite - or worse, to swap roles - and too often this is carried down.
yzzerdd@reddit
Same here, if I don't call my mom we don't hear from her. Yet, she complains she's lonely. She complains about a lot though, while making no effort to change anything about her situation. When I do hear from her, it's all complains.
BattlebitsTooHard@reddit
I fully understand and respect having issues with parents. I haven't seen my biological father for more than two decades. But my mom passed away five years ago. If you don't hate them, call them while you still can. None of us are getting any younger.
funatical@reddit
I hardly ever call my boomer. He calls me on a fairly regular basis. Not sure how I feel about that but I’m not gonna do anything about it so I guess good enough.
Accurate-Long-259@reddit
r/emotionalneglect
Sharp_Reputation3064@reddit
"I don't want to bother you if your busy" if I'm busy I won't pick up and jll,call you back later, mom..
body_by_monsanto@reddit
My mom likes to tell anyone who will listen that I hate her because I don’t call her 🤷♀️
Bobcatluv@reddit
Obviously not every relationship is the same, as my friends’ parents call them and some relationships are better in this aspect. However, what you experience is common enough that it is a thing.
I recently read a great explanation that the Baby Boomer generation was raised with a hierarchical view of society and relationships, ie a “respect for authority.” As such, they view a parent calling their child is seen as beneath them. If your parent is a societal outlier, they probably aren’t like this.
Incidentally, people with this view of society are also more likely to support fascism, so there’s likely some crossover between Boomer parents who don’t call their kids AND support MAGA.
MrWarbles@reddit
Same! I will call my mother a few times a week and then she never calls back! I have tested this out a few times and weeks will go by without a phone call from her! The when I finally call to check on her and my step dad she will basically cry and tell me how much she misses us! We live in different states and it's only about 3 hour drive. My 3.5 year old daughter will scream and cry wanting to see "Nana" and I'm like sorry baby girl I don't know what Nanas doing. (She is 65 and retired and most of the time when I call to see what shes into she says shes doom scrolling...) IDK... it irks me a tad...
boogs34@reddit
Cuz they’re old
giraffemoo@reddit
The generation before the boomers were old, but they were still able to be a part of their children's lives once they reached adulthood.
SpinachnPotatoes@reddit
My dad started traveling to other countries for work from when I was 12, although I love him dearly we have nothing to say to each other.
My mom will phone me once a week and I try remember to do the same. However we live on different continents so visiting each other happens perhaps once a decade, twice if we lucky. Easiest MIL experience ever is what my husband calls it.
ObligationJumpy6415@reddit
My mom rarely calls me and says it’s because “You’re busy with work and all your other things, so I don’t know when you’re free/available.” Apparently they only know how leaving a message works if there’s something they actively want to call and tell me.
I recently didn’t call her for close to a month (I really was busy, and also there’s not much to talk about with her) and she called me trying to guilt trip me about why hadn’t I called to check in on her and her health issues (that I don’t get the full story on when I do ask). I was like fuck that, phone works both ways.
Anyway, we have a very tepid relationship, for many reasons. But yeah, “you’re busy, we’re not, so you call us when you have time” has been the reason in my and my sibling’s case.
VioletVenable@reddit
Everyone gets into habits. My parents and I were close, but my late teens/early 20s — when I was on my gap year, going to school, starting my first real job — they were very keen to never intrude. So I had to call them. That just became the way it was. So I kept calling.
For those of you who want to maintain a good relationship with your parents but struggle to really “click,” establish a time for a weekly/monthly call. (And tell them this — “hey, let’s set a regular time to chat.”) It may be annoying to always have to be the one initiating contact, but it’s not a hill to die on.
bassjam1@reddit
We once invited my parents over the day we got home from the hospital with our 1st born baby, and they showed up with my 3 adult sisters and one of my sisters also brought her 3 kids (who were sick). Had to have a conversation with my parents afterwards that it wasn't ok to invite extra people without telling us and they took it the wrong way and now they feel like any uninvited contact is taboo. Honestly I never had an issue with when they used to call and ask if they could stop over, but they 100% stopped initiating.
harkonnen-hound@reddit
That’s the neat part - you don’t
bangobot46@reddit
I'm so glad I'm not the only one. My mom never reaches out to me first. She says she doesn't want to bother me because I'm busy but I don't understand why she doesn't text and ask when I'm free to talk. Or just call and risk the "I'll call you back, I'm busy" that I get from her now & then.
I've honestly started to wonder if it's dementia coming on or something. I remember her telling me that she knew her mom had it when they stopped talking daily. I never talked to my mom daily but we used to text every other day and talk weekly. A couple years ago she just completely stopped trying. We are politically opposed, though we don't talk politics, so I initially thought maybe she thought I didn't want to talk to her.
iammerelyhere@reddit
Ohhh I thought it was just my parents that did this. Phew.
brightdark@reddit
My parents are retired and my mom says she never knows when we are busy, sleeping, working, etc so she leaves it up to us to call her. She texts regularly though. She doesn't guilt trip if it goes for a couple weeks. My dad on the hand will call every other day bc he is bored out of his mind.
giraffemoo@reddit
That's the neat thing, you don't!
I left home when I was 19, I moved 3,000 miles away to live with a guy I met on LiveJournal. I tried to keep in touch with my mom, my dad was off grid and nobody knew where he was at that time. So I'd call my mom. Always me, reaching out to her, never the other way around. Every time I would call, my mom was "busy". I put that in quotes because I don't believe it to be true, I think she just didn't want to talk to me. When I was living at home, she didn't have that much going on, and she was always on the phone talking to friends and relatives that lived far away.
I had to beg my mother to talk to me, and when she did, I had to be the one to carry the conversation and it felt like I was in a "conversation competition" because if the things I wanted to talk about weren't interesting enough, my mom would drag me for it and then hang up on me. I begged her to tell me when she wouldn't be so "busy". I tried calling at different times, on different days.
I eventually gave up. One year I decided to wait and see how long it would take for my mother to be the one to reach out to me. It never happened, I broke down and called her on my birthday. I had to be the one to reach out on holidays and my own birthday, otherwise I'd just never hear from her (or anyone else in my family of origin).
Ironically, when I would try to call out my mom for her shitty communication skills, she'd use that line on me: "the phone works both ways". But she refused to accept that she was the one who was failing in that department.
Anyway, it's been 11 years since I've seen or spoken to my mother. My dad comes and goes, he has been in active addiction for the last 30 or so years, I'm just waiting to get "that call" about him, I just hope it's not a cop this time (my husband died years ago and a cop is the one who told me).
beautifulcheat@reddit
The funny thing is my mom would rant about my paternal grandmother doing this to me and my dad, but then she spent years doing the same thing. At one point whenever I called she would pick up asking "What do you want?" Or did, really... We had a massive blow out in 2020 and stopped talking for a couple of years, and she's been a bit better since. She still won't call me but at least now when I call her she doesn't act like I only ever call her when I want something.
Laconic_Jester@reddit
I have a group text with my parents and my brother. Some days we just send our Wordle scores, sometimes we share what we did that day or just funny pictures.
I feel lucky that, in my forties, both of my parents are still alive. My father is a type two diabetic, recently diagnosed with renal insufficiency. My mother just stared having to use a cane from sciatica and has difficulty breathing due to scarring in her lungs from frequent repertory infections.
I don't think they will be both around in my fifties. They can be annoying at times, and judge how my wife and I spend our money, but I love them and cherish our interactions.
Fine_Violinist5802@reddit
Because they're not going to call us.
Agile_Leopard_4446@reddit
NotRadTrad05@reddit
So?
Jerkrollatex@reddit
This is true
sgnfngnthng@reddit
When I do, I’m never told “I love you” or asked about my life. Has been this way for decades. I’ve taken the hint.
Klutzy-Pea933@reddit
My situation is because calls are forced & awkward with nothing to talk about because I’ve never “fit in” & have zero in common with them.
Lemna24@reddit
My MIL calls us all the time. And sometimes we call her. Maybe not quite as much as she would like, but she knows that we're busy with our jobs.
Blaaaarghhh@reddit
My dad was (is) like this. We don't talk anymore because I'm an ungrateful daughter and don't call often enough... lol.
My mom is not a perfect person but she doesn't expect to be worshipped or expect communication to be a one-way street.
Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit
This is something that depends very much on the parent. My dad was great for initiating calls. But dementia has incapacitated him, so I have to be the caller. And I don't mind because I know he would if he was at all capable.
StandardAd239@reddit
My mom calls every Sunday morning. Love her for it because it totally solves the "why haven't you called" problem.
ahabneck@reddit
We need to call because our parents are actively being scammed one way or another and we are the front line of defense
jackfaire@reddit
Shhhh! Before my mom met my stepdad she called me all the damn time.
iwasnotarobot@reddit
After the third year in a row of my reminding my mother about her grandchildren’s birthdays, I stopped reminding her.
Now my kids have no idea who she is.
BrokenLipstick1126@reddit
My dad is a boomer and calls me every other week or so. My mom is also a boomer and if I didn't call her a few times a year, we would never speak. I don't really think this is generational, though - I think some people are the type to want to reach out and chat, and some are not.
Shortbus_Playboy@reddit
Can’t say I’ve had to deal with this. I’m fortunate that communication with both of my parents goes both ways, and they’re also adept at text messaging. I’m not sure if I’m the exception or the rule in the grand scheme of things, but I’m definitely thankful for it.
Extension_Chart2641@reddit
Phone calls are now reserved for family emergencies. But if someone dies, she's at my door.
SlimPickens77Box@reddit
I actually stopped calling my dad a few years before he died. The i stopped answering his calls. So like... you can quit.
boogs34@reddit
How’s your mental health?
SlimPickens77Box@reddit
9 out of 10.
Poison_Ivy_Rorschach@reddit
I talk to my mom at least once a day. We send each other memes and links to funny videos and I really don’t want to imagine a world where that ceases.
tiara-bug@reddit
My parents don’t initiate calls, return calls, answer calls. They are too busy constantly reliving past trauma and not going to therapy. My mom rarely and my dad never texts. If they need something, she will text my sister, the acknowledged favorite. My mom constantly sends me facebook messages of facebook shit even though i told her i don’t have the message app and don’t really use facebook. So yeah i give up.
sgrams04@reddit
They do call us but give up. They feel lonely and want to feel important in your lives. Call your parents and tell them you love them.
fatkidscandystore@reddit
I feel like the best answer to this question is to ask it a different way: “why do you have to call your parents? Your parents do realize phones work both ways, right?”
I’m curious, what did your parents say when you told them you were feeling this way?
MiserableDistance622@reddit
My mom always called her dad weekly at my age, so I assume she expects that of me. I do make an attempt but find myself busy too. I will hear time after time "I thought about calling you..." and always tell her to just do it. Either it goes to voicemail and I call back or I answer, cause my phone is in my pocket most of the time. Communication is so much easier now but its always some excuse not to call me or my wife.
MissMelines@reddit
Because they are your parents. Indulge them. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
Disclaimer, for those who rightly have no contact w/ parents. But if you love yours, call them every chance you get. Trust me.
Fit_Measurement_2420@reddit
My parents call me all the time. They do complain of I don’t pick up, likely because I am working. And they complain if I don’t call them back immediately. Buuuut they’re getting older. The reality is I will lose them soon. So yeh I am calling and speaking to them. Great now I have anxiety about losing my parents 😩
Psyallica@reddit
Honestly don't call I'll just ignore it and forget about it. Text if you want to communicate. Only if Boomers would comprehend this...
kremlingrasso@reddit
What's the big deal? We have a family WhatsApp groups. I post pics with my kids, they post picks of whatever they are doing in semi-retirement. Dad sends me cool stuff he sees while biking to show my son. Call my mum every month but we IM regularly it them and my brother's and their kids and their wives. They feel they are up to date with their kids and grandkids life, we feel we keeping tabs in them that they are happy and healthy. It's not rocket science, it's what social media is for.
kirabarker@reddit
During the pandemic I kind of established a rapport with calling my dad at certain times of the day. I'm self employed and work from home so he's the one with a busy schedule (and travels). When I don't call, he now sometimes calls me at the end of the day, when it fits his TV watching schedule (we stream exclusively). It's turned into a nice way of keeping in touch. He will not call on weekends or drop by for a coffee although he knows we're always home because of my chronic illness.
Best thing I ever did was go NC with my abusive mother because having to call her, or seeing a missed call, would give me incredibly anxiety and I never called enough. She never called to actually share news, just to get under my skin. Bought myself 3 years of peace that way. Now as a half orphan I'm free.
So, yeah, if you want to talk to them, maybe set up a routine? For whatever reason, they won't do it. If not, cut yourself free. Sorry if that means welcome to the club.
ZealousidealEnd6660@reddit
Honestly I think my parents have some unresolved trauma around trying to work, raise 4 kids, and care for their own parents, one of whom was especially needy.
I'm lucky I live close by so I just drop in once a week. I personally hate talking on the phone and my dad won't text, and neither of them will call unless the situation is dire.
Electronic_World_894@reddit
If your parents don’t call you, and you don’t like them, then don’t call them. We shouldn’t be obligated to people who don’t try. *of course I don’t mean if your parents are disabled and for some reason unable to call, such as advancing dementia.
My dad calls me all the time, multiple times a week. He texts me a lot too. Mom called me multiple times a week until she died.
papercranium@reddit
I dunno, my mom and I call each other probably three times a week, and I have a standing weekly zoom date with my dad. I love talking on the phone though, so it's not an issue.
crymeajoanrivers@reddit
Are you kidding me….my mother never stops blowing up my phone.
cbih@reddit
My parents call me all the time. It's too the point where sometimes I have to be all "Shut up! I have other things to do, damnit!"
larryb78@reddit
“Oh, I don’t want to bother you…”
DHammer79@reddit
I go to my parents house for breakfast every Sunday. My sister who doesn't come to breakfast calls my mom pretty much every 2 days or so. If my parents or I call each other that means one of us needs to talk to the other for a specific reason. I'm not one to talk on the phone just for the sake of talking.
Forward_Damage4779@reddit
You don’t have to. You do it bc you want to.
zaggytiddies@reddit
Stop talking to one of them. Save time.
Murphy_Dropkick410@reddit
I have a bit of an answer in one of the most Xennial ways I could find
Ugly Kid Joe - Cats in the Cradle
cataholicsanonymous@reddit
I call my boomer mom a few times a week and see her and my dad at least twice a week. I love them and want to stay close to them. They know I'm busy with work and kids, so they let me drive our social schedule together including phone calls.
GXP_2009@reddit
I talk to my dad usually everyday. Who calls who depends on the day. We'll just bullshit for a few minutes or we'll have an hour long call (rare) when its a serious discussion. He lives 14 hours south of me and he is 81. I'm making more of an effort these days to go visit him and stay for a few days whenever I get the chance.
BeaniePole1792@reddit
I realized my dad was too much into Facebook that I stopped using facebook. I tried calling him, but he wouldn’t pick up nor would he answered my text. When he passed away, I realized why he didn’t respond to me - his phone was full of MAGA junk. My phone calls and text got lost in the junk.
I call my stepmom regularly - she’s really my kid’s grandma as my dad married her when I was an adult. She’s responsive which is nice. I keep her updated on her grandkid.
My ILs are a different story. It’s totally awkward with them. I have been thinking of how to get over it and it’s hard. I know MIL doesn’t like me. If grandkid talks about anything about her life, it either goes over her head or she won’t approve of it. I really don’t know how to talk to her.
ProfGoodwitch@reddit
Again this is not a boomer/millennial thing. I'm a boomer. My parents don't call me. Even when they end up in the hospital. I find out when I call them. It was the same for them. Their parents never called them and now they figure it's their turn to be called.
I resent it as well as you do and Millennial's children will resent it in turn in a couple of decades when they are complaining that their parents never call.
You're absolutely right OP. Phones work both ways. Unfortunately humans are perennially under the misconception that they are the only good generation and they're sick of doing all the heavy lifting.
jopejopejopejope@reddit
do the math. how old are they? what’s an american’s average lifespan these days? how many times a year do you call them now? how many more phone calls do you have left?
HopelessMagic@reddit
I call mine once or twice a week and visit twice a month. You'll wish you had when they're gone.
sweat-it-all-out@reddit
If they call you, you'd let it go to voicemail. You'd still end up having to call them.
Canadatron@reddit
Bro, my parents built onto my house....
Calling them? That's nothing.