Nobody prepared me for this part of middle age ... Still needing my Mom

Posted by LifeSubstance8619@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 137 comments

I’ve been posting a lot lately, but there’s been a lot on my mind, and here’s another one that’s been weighing on me for a while. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one hanging on by a financial thread that feels like it could snap at any moment, and I want to know if any other Gen X people relate to this. I’m honestly tearing up as I write this because I don’t even know exactly where I’m going with it. My mom is 74, retired, and thankfully she invested well and does okay financially. She worked hard her whole life to get to the point where she should finally be able to relax and enjoy her life. And yet somehow, every time one of her grown children hits a financial disaster- a car repair, an air conditioner going out, some unexpected catastrophe- she still ends up being the safety net. And trust me… none of us feel good asking. We’re all in our 50s. We SHOULD be able to take care of ourselves by now. My mom has every right to resent it sometimes, and honestly, I think she does. Recently she admitted there are times she doesn’t even want to answer the phone because she’s afraid one of her kids is calling to ask for something. That sentence broke my heart a little. Because at the same time, I’m also the child who lives closest to her, so now I spend half my life worrying about HER. If she doesn’t answer a text or pick up the phone, my mind immediately goes somewhere dark because she’s 74 now. Fiercely independent, still sharp, still active… but 74. It’s such a strange stage of life. You grow up thinking your parents will eventually stop carrying everyone. But then middle age hits, the economy gets brutal, one emergency can wipe people out financially, and suddenly your retired mother is still the person everybody quietly hopes can help save the day. And the worst part is… she still does.

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137 Comments

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Oiggamed@reddit

57. Been in survival mode most of my life.

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BabySea674@reddit

I get what you're saying. I think stress and anxiety are getting to you more than you realize too. I don't know, only my thoughts. Nothing bad intended. Are you sleeping relatively okay? Are you trying to remember to eat your protein and take a D3 10000 ius? Try to stop and just breathe a few times a day. Just for a second or two. These are things I try to remember to do too. Some days I'm sobbing, some, I'm so filled with rage that I pace around growling. Grounding in the present helps a little. The financials....ohh yes...right there. I've talked with numerous 70-80yo's to try to get perspective. We have to remember that it is a very, very different economy now. A different world. My Aunts and Uncles fully expected to buy houses when they wanted to, back in the 70's......and they did!!!! Like, at 20 and 21...😯 Many didn't have to go to college to do it either. I have a Doctorate and scrape by...lol Perspective can help ease the mind a little. It isn't cold hard cash, but it can calm you so you don't overspend cold hard cash. Babbling now..😆 I hope it helps some.

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blackpony04@reddit

My mom is nearly 94 going on 74 in body and soul and we're blessed to still have her. But I've had a brother (now 63) who has lived with and leeched off of her his entire life with only 18 months living on his own. He's had 8 DUIs, the last one taking his license away for 10 years while my 70-something mother dragged his lazy ass everywhere. A job? What is that? Never held a job for more than a year and the last one being in the early 00s. Health? Try 2 heart attacks and a sextuple bypass with a defibrillator and pacemaker before the age of 55 and he still smokes daily and eats like a fiend. My angel of a dad was dead at 60 from a surprise heart attack and he did none of the things my brother does to have deserved it. So take anything from my mother? HELL NO. And since 2010, I've endured job losses and a divorce that included my ex abandoning our child and I didn't ask my mom for jack shit other than for advice and support. So sorry to say this, but get your heads out of your asses and stop using your mother as a crutch. Take her love, and that's it.

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mudshark698@reddit

Thank you for sharing the harsh words that are in my brain. Lol

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koda5225252@reddit

Dude, I'm with you. I moved out at 19 & never received a red cent from my parents. Made my own way. And there were some damned hard times. My kid has made his own way & i am so proud of him. Though I would help him if he needed it

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

I'm sorry that your brother is a mooch and a lowlife loser. But some of us have worked our asses off and fallen on hard times and needed the support of family to get through some rough times and get back on our feet. Kudos to you for not having to receive financial support through your tough times That's awesome. Good on you. But some of us, no matter how hard we tried, still needed a little financial boost to get through. That doesn't make us leeches like your brother. So damn, get off your high-fucking-horse and show a little empathy for those of us that are working hard and still struggle and have needed a little help along the way.

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blackpony04@reddit

That was directed at OP whose family has such a history of using mom for bailouts that she thinks that's all she's good for. We have all had hard times (I was out of work for 18 months in the Great Recession), but you can't keep going back to the well after you've dried it up.

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

I know that you were replying to OP. But that sort of felt like an attack on anyone who has struggled and needed temporary financial assistance, whether from family or elsewhere. And honestly, if you actually read and understand OP's post (as well as their responses to comments), you can really see that they are not just using mom as an unlimited ATM. You can also see that they do feel guilt and shame for even having to have asked. I can really relate to OP. I absolutely hate asking for help from anyone for anything, especially from people who have already helped me so much already. I like to do things for myself. I'm stubborn like that. Hire movers? nope. Ask friends for help to move? nope. Rent a uhaul and a dolly and move major appliances and furniture by myself? Absolutely. I've skipped meals and gone an entire winter without heat rather than ask for financial help. I've built detailed budget spreadsheets down to the dollar and penny to be able to pay bills and track spending. But then when that one big disaster comes along, sometimes people just need that safety net. It's not easy to ask. And it gets even harder to ask when it happens more than once. I can tell by OP's tone that they really don't want to have to ask. OP even states, "And trust me… none of us feel good asking." And NEVER did OP express or imply that they think, "that's all she's good for."

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New_Discussion_6692@reddit

After 35 years of marriage, being a SAHM and then my husband's caregiver for 20+ that bastard left me and took all the money. So....

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V1per73@reddit

Times are hard. I still live paycheck to paycheck. I've got a decent new job, but it's gonna take months to stabilize. My mom has been secretly but not so secretly dropping groceries off at my house while I'm at work. She's not said a word about it. When I asked her she just smiled and said "How's work?"

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

Your mom is awesome! Times certainly are tough for many of us. Sometimes these little things are exactly what we need.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

This honestly made me emotional. The part about her quietly dropping groceries off and then changing the subject to “How’s work?” feels like such a pure expression of parental love and dignity at the same time. I think moments like that are exactly what I was trying to talk about in my post. Not entitlement or taking advantage of someone -just the complicated reality that sometimes parents still quietly help carry us, even when we wish they didn’t have to anymore. Your mom sounds very loving.

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V1per73@reddit

My mom has a heart of gold

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LayerNo3634@reddit

We help our kids when we can. They are on their own and building their lives, but sometimes life throws a curveball. Just bought our middle child a new oven. It decided to break at the same time as a plumbing issue, car repair, and new baby. We were more than happy to do it and wish we could do more. I'm guessing your mom is the same.

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

Great parenting!

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Altruistic_Worker600@reddit

Hang in there, man. The last 8-10 years have been a real ball buster. And here I am a grown-assed man but with an unexpected career reset and needing help once in a while. We were taught along the lines of ‘work hard and you can succeed.’ It held true for a few decades then oops lol jokes on us, it all turned out to be just years of post-WWII global economic expansion. Until it wasn’t. Grateful that my parents are still alive at an active 79 and 80, but now they’re in another city after I moved away a generation ago to chase a dream. I am trying so hard to get back, I want to be there to help them literally and figuratively when that day comes. Meanwhile I am grateful to have an hourly job at all, even if it is half of my previous salary income. Iknow the clock is ticking. I work hard, I don’t know what to do. I guess I just have to recalibrate my concept of success from being wealthy to being able to put food on the table for my own family. But, we are all GenX, all we know is to figure out a way because we have to.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

This hit me hard because I think a lot of us were raised believing stability was almost guaranteed if you worked hard enough and played by the rules. Then life happened, economies changed, losses happened, careers changed, and suddenly survival itself became the accomplishment. I really relate to what you said about recalibrating success. I think a lot of Gen X is quietly grieving the life we thought we were building while also trying to be grateful for what we still have. And honestly, the fact that you still want to be there for your parents despite everything says a lot about your character.

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

Yep, I thought I had it all figured out in the early 00s after I was married, had a kid, had a pretty good job, two cars, and just bought a house. Life came crashing down real hard, real fast though. And every time I start to build back, there's another curveball thrown at me. Seems no matter how hard I work and try, I'm always playing catch up or just barely above water. I figured by this point in life, I'd be sailing toward retirement in in 10-15 years or less. Now I don't think I'll ever really be able to retire until my body or mind starts failing.

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Ok_Walk_4945@reddit

Isn’t THIS the damn truth!!

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

I definitely relate to this. They amount of times I've had to start over due to layoffs and unexpected curveballs in life is ridiculous. I'm lucky I've been at the same job for almost a decade now. It's not a super high paying job, but I've gotten a few promotions over the years. The thought of starting over again and competing with twenty-somethings for an entry level or even mid level job terrifies me.

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notevenapro@reddit

Both parents are dead. I am the safety net.

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West-Cabinet-2169@reddit

Same dude. Both dead before I was 45.

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notevenapro@reddit

Kind of scary sometimes. But as the safety net.. my son is getting a divorce and cannot afford a lawyer. I am funding his divorce because I think that is my main purpose right now.

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West-Cabinet-2169@reddit

You are too good.

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notevenapro@reddit

Thank you. I really needed that. 6 years from retirement and this will set me back 20-40k.

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

You're doing the right thing. I hope to be able to do things like this for my kids if they ever need it. My parents set a great example of helping, but not being an unlimited ATM. Helping financially in a divorce is a lot smarter (and probably less money overall) than him possibly losing everything and trying to recover financially from that.

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West-Cabinet-2169@reddit

Fuck me dude... now you really are too kind. My poor old Mum couldn't have helped me with that type of help anyhow. Hope your son prepared to help you later.

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the_Snowmannn@reddit

I completely understand and identify with this. After my divorce, and moving, there were so many extra costs and I was then a one income household, also paying child support. Then I lost my job. It was rough, but my parents helped me out until I got back on my feet. And even back on my feet, I still needed help sometimes. Then another devastating thing happened and I actually had to move in with them for a couple years until things got sorted out. And they gave me a not insignificant amount of money that I only partially paid back before they eventually cancelled my debt. Then I FINALLY thought I had my shit together, moved in with the woman I had been dating for several years, only for that relationship to fall apart and become pretty toxic after living together for a few years. It got so bad that I had to go back and live with my parent for a few more years. They've done so much for me with emotional and financial support. They've helped out my siblings in similar situations as well. I always feel so guilty asking them for anything. And, like you, I suspect that they resent it to a degree. They are planning to move to another state soon, and while I'm doing mostly okay right now, living on my own and paying my bills, it does kind of scare me that they won't be nearby. I don't want to rely on them as a safety net, and it's a bit embarrassing that I've had to. But not having that safety net is a little worrisome. They are in their late 70s and mostly in good health, and pretty active. When I was living with them, I helped them out with things like computer and internet issues, smart TV, audio set up, fixing things at the house, yardwork, getting on ladders for things so they wouldn't have to, and things like that. Now that I'm gone, I do worry about them. Both of them fell on ice last winter and that really scared me. But at least I was there to make sure they were okay. They are moving to a more urban area, so at least emergency vehicles can get to them quickly, if needed. They also have friends and family in that area that will be there for them. But I still worry. And yes, even though I'm doing okay right now, I am really only one small financial disaster away from a really, really bad situation again. And really don't want to have to ask for help again.

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All_Dogs_Love_Me@reddit

Your post title caught me different. I'm at least a year or two ahead of ya but prob not much. My mom passed just over 18 months ago, at age 74, seemingly in wonderful shape, fiercely Independent, all that you described. She died in my basement bedroom from a quick brutal cancer. We were fortunate to even get her home from the hospital and rallied around her. My sister flew in, and we did all we could, but she didn't even make it to her chemo eval/intake. She couldn't make it up the stairs to have Thanksgiving at the table with us instead we walked up and down, shared video, and such. We shared a lot of precious tender moments over ~3 weeks, only some of which I remember. When it became clear that she wasn't going to beat things she made us promise to look out for each other. (There's 4 of us ) That was really sobering. Not trying to be a downer specifically to OP, but I'd just urge you to tell your mom how amazing she is in all the vivid details. Jot down specific memories from when she "bailed out" you or your sibs then drive over and have a chat...validate/recognize and say all the nice things we don't always say. I'm a 50+ now successful father of 3 who has always been close to my mom. We visited museums, zoos, and ate at restaurants together over the years, many times just the 2 of us. We road tripped to an obscure historical site about 20 months before she died, just the 2 of us. I absolutely wouldn't have the life and stability I have now without her. I do OK a lot of days but sometimes I desperately miss and need her. Life is a blessing but it's rarely fair. I'd love to go drive the 45 mins to give her a surprise hug, check the yard, make her a sandwich or maybe cook something together and have an IRL chat. Mother's Day is going to be brutal, I'm already dreading it. I never took her for granted (and I'm grieving) but maaan I wish I'd spent more time recognizing that hard work "bailing us out" (at times) and always being that rock for us.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

This is one of the most thoughtful responses I’ve read on this post. Thank you for taking the time to write all of that out. What you said about missing not just your mom, but your “rock” and your safety net, is exactly the part I think a lot of people don’t talk about openly. Not in a selfish way- in a deeply human way. I’m really sorry for your loss. But I also love that you shared the details about museums, road trips, random conversations, and just existing together. That’s the stuff that becomes priceless later. And your point about telling them while they’re still here really hit me hard. I think a lot of us assume there will always be more time. Thank you again for this. Truly.

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All_Dogs_Love_Me@reddit

Typing that all out was good for me too.

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hair_10@reddit

There's four of us kids and my mom was there for each of us at different times. Every one of us had to move back in with her for some reason or another at some point. I'm the oldest child and I was the last to have to move back in with her when I was going through a divorce in 2019. Mom always stepped up, although I know there are times when she just wanted to live her own life. I was close with my mom, talked to her every weekday for the past several years and saw her pretty regularly. She passed unexpectedly this past October at age 79. And although I know that she knew all of her kids loved her, I don't know that I ever thanked her for being there all those times for me. I wish I had. I have three kids of my own now, all in their early twenties. I suspect there will probably come a time when they will need me the same way I needed my mom. And I'll be there for them as well, even if it's not what I want to do at the time. It's what you do for the people you love.

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StingLikaBumblebee20@reddit

So stop using her. You're all adults. Get second and third jobs if you have to. Downsize. Get roommates. Grow up. Harsh but I have people in my family that are still on their mom's teat. Even when it means creating potential financial insecurity for their parents. Acting like there's nothing you or your siblings can do other than take from mom is obnoxious.

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Cold_Mission101@reddit

What would the kids do if Mom were no longer here and didn't leave an inheritance? Whatever the answer is (cutting expenses, taking on second/third jobs, donating plasma, taking out a loan, etc.), that is what OP and the other kids to do right now to support themselves rather than relying on their mother.

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Think_Welder3430@reddit

Hope you never need the kindness if strangers or family for that matter. What a nasty person you are.

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Iko87iko@reddit

Without a net since 85

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dcamnc4143@reddit

I have NEVER asked my parents for money (as an adult), even when I was struggling. I don't think they would have given it to me anyway, even though they were millionaires.

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lottieslady@reddit

Do we share the same parents? Mine have plenty of money but threw me out at 16 because I wanted to go to university. They wanted me to become a broodmare. I said fuck that. For most of my college and twenties I didn’t have money for food. They knew, they just didn’t care. Nice people. 🙄

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Reader47b@reddit

I thought this was going to be about needing your mom emotionally, which I do, but she's gone. So many times in the past three years I've thought how much I just wanted mom to run to, to know there is that one person in all the world who loves me pretty much no matter what. It's just happening more and more frequently in middle-life than it did in my 40s, though she was gone by the time I was 40.

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LeftCryptographer522@reddit

The title definitely reads as emotionally needing your mom after she has passed. That’s why I clicked on it too. SMH

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Tall-Nectarine202@reddit

My parents cut me off at 22, so I’ve had to pay for all this stuff on my own since then. That meant I always had to have a good safety fund and couldn’t blow $ on things I didn’t need. I do think 22 was a little young and won’t be doing that with my kids, but not being able to do this in your 50’s is ridiculous. Get your shit together.

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Dwayne402789@reddit

I just want to say that I miss my mom every freaking day of my ridiculous life fr love you mom

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cutie_k_nnj@reddit

Me too ❤️❤️❤️

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cat_snots@reddit

Me three❤️❤️❤️ Hugs all around

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mayuan11@reddit

I keep my mom on the piano in the other room, next to my dogs. If I ever need her I know where she is.

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Justamom1225@reddit

It sounds like your mom is feeling "used" and that is sad. Maybe at her age she is wondering who is going to take care of her when the day comes? Has this even been discussed at all? Who will take her in? Or will you all just ship her off to a nursing home? Maybe these are questions that are weighing heavily on her mind. I don't know. She sounds like a wonderful person.

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Substantial-Chip-102@reddit

I am 60 and have worked since I was 18. My children chose different paths in life. My son is financially independent . Now that he doesn’t “need” me, I haven’t heard from him in years. I have a grandchild that he has never even told me about or let me meet. I only know that he and his wife have him due to Facebook “stalking”. My daughter is incarcerated due to addiction. She had been financially independent until she was in a relationship with someone who was working for her on a prison work program wormed his way into her life when she was 8 mos. pregnant after her son’s father passed in a horrible accidental drowning. After the baby was born and he was released he was in a MC accident. He was in a coma for 5 weeks. She stayed by his side and 5 mos. later he came home with her. She was introduced to opiates by him and lost everything. Now her addiction has her sitting in prison. She never asks me for money. She calls me weekly and texts me daily. I haven’t seen her in over 2 years and won’t for another 2 minimum. I pay for the phone calls at my own discretion. If your siblings need money they need to figure it out on their own. If they quit calling then they are not good people! The ones who really care will find a way. My son with everything never calls and my daughter with nothing checks on me daily. It isn’t about the money. It is about the character of the individual! Plain and simple. You have good character. You still contact your mother, even though you’re financially independent. She needs to cut your siblings off and if they quit calling, they’re just not good people. You on the other hand keep showing up for your mother because that’s what we need to do for our parents. They were there for us when we were children and beyond that we need to be there for our parents.

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Significant_City_60@reddit

This was not what I was expecting to see. I feel like I need my mom a lot lately, not for money, but for care. For hugs. To share life with. But she’s been gone almost 10 years now. I’d become homeless for one more day.

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TulsaOUfan@reddit

Same. I was a millionaire, and by the end of the divorce I was broke. I struggled for 5 years and mom and Gran were always there to help. I rarely even had to ask - they knew I needed help. Built up another multimillion dollar business, and in the second year I uncovered my partners fraud within our inventory. This inventory is a controlled substance with tens of thousands of dollars missing from our inventory with no records keeping. I sold out to him for a penny on the dollar. He had 6 lawsuits and a federal investigation within 90 days and had bankrupted the company within 6 months. This was post covid, so jobs for C-suite or director level positions aren't just laying around. Mom and Gran knew when to call and offer help. Gran died back in October. I landed in an easy management position that I earn enough for a single guy in his 40s who's kids are raised and out of the house. I'm glad to be doing alright financially, but I'm more glad to know mom (and dad) are there if I really need them. I would literally be homeless and jobless without their support.

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98charlie@reddit

I dont rely on my parents and have never asked them to help me out. I know that if I needed something that they would help me if I asked. That being said I have two children of my own and even though I will retire from my job in three years I plan on continuing to work. Not because I need the money, but because I want to be able to help my kids and hopefully leave them a inheritance. Your mom is probably exhausted at her age, but deep down she is probably glad that she has been able to help. I imagine that it would feel worse not to be able to help. She is probably worried that someday she won't be able to help.

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thatsplatgal@reddit

It sounds like you and your siblings aren’t taking accountability for your life and instead leverage your mother’s success and generosity to continually bail you out. I can’t imagine asking my 75 yo parent for money for a repair on my car or home. These are adult obligations for owning things and if I can’t afford them, then I shouldn’t be owning them. The shame and embarrassment you’re feeling is what’s crushing you. Rightfully so. If you love your mother as much as you say you do, treat her with respect. Pay her back with interest and don’t ask her for money ever again.

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TheLawOfDuh@reddit

Spot on!!!

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Poneke365@reddit

If I had that option, I would never ask and get a loan. If you can’t get your shit together by 50, there’s something fucking wrong! Tough love is called for. Your mother worked hard, let her spend her money and live her best life in her retirement. It’s a bonus if her kids get an inheritance.

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PsychologicalLab6637@reddit

My mom died in 2012 (55 pneumonia) and if she were still around and I needed help financially she probably wouldn't be able to help me. However, my brother and I were incredibly stressed out when she died trying to figure out how to pay for we everything but the family pitched in and about 2 weeks after she died we got notified she had a life insurance policy and my brother and I were her beneficiaries. I honestly couldn't believe she had one. She was a raging alcoholic and drug abuser my whole life and I straight up told her once in My 20's if she was gonna abuse herself this badly to donus a favor and make sure she has a policy so we wouldn't have to clean up her mess (again). My brother and I both got a decent payout and I honestly felt like it was the one thing she felt she could do that would help our futures. It did not replace her in any way shape or form and I miss her crazy phone calls and just knowing I could talk to her about anything. ANYTHING. she would be right there with encouragement and some nasty jokes. I miss her every day.

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RedditSkippy@reddit

Fortunately, no. There but for... Luckily my sister and I maintain independent households and haven't had to ask my parents for financial help since were in college. I really could not imagine going to my parents for money in middle age. That said, I have a couple of cousins who will probably be dependent on their parents for the rest of their lives. I think my parents were adamant that my sister and me were able to support ourselves because they didn't have the means to keep doing so for us well into adulthood. Years ago, one of my friends at the time said that her father occasionally reached out to her for help paying bills. I know I was naive at the time, but I remember that really surprising me. About a year ago my FIL told my husband that he thought that he and my MIL were running out of money. Turns out that they weren't, and it's even less so now that they've made a few spending adjustments.

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Unexpectedly99@reddit

So I'm going to get so much hate for this post, but here it goes. I have a large age gap marriage (my husband is 28 years older then me), I pursued him not the other way around and he actually turned me down due to the age difference, fast forward we have been married 24 years now and we have two almost adult biological children together (23 and 19). He's a year older than my mother and will be 74 this year, I will be 46. My mom will me 73. My dad died in 2015, my mom has dementia and doesn't know who i am most days. If your mom is healthy and of sounds mind, she is still very much in control of her decisions, just like my husband she can't be manipulated without her consent. Even if your mother resents it at times, it's still her choice. BUT, she should have something in place legally for when she isn't of sound mind.

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murdermeMickey@reddit

I've never stopped needing my Mother. I am an adult and she has been dead for 10 years.

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Mediocre-Second-3775@reddit

My mom had it really hard raising three kids after my abusive dad finally walked out. It was only later in life that she was able to save for retirement, and she’s in pretty good shape financially. In no universe would I think of asking her for money. She’s retired now, and the rest of her life will be peaceful.

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philly-buck@reddit

You were smoking meth a year ago and now you drink too much. Stop doing that and you might not need to borrow money. Stop doing that and you will take stress off your mom. Sorry to be blunt, but get your stuff together if you want to help your mom and your mind.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

I can handle disagreement about the topic itself, but digging through someone’s post history to publicly weaponize painful parts of their life feels unnecessarily cruel. Yes, I’ve spoken openly about grief, addiction struggles, and difficult periods in my life. I’m also working, rebuilding, and trying to move forward every day. None of that changes the point of my post about loving my mother, worrying about her aging, and the complicated reality many families are living through right now.

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Embarrassed-Oil3127@reddit

It sort of does change things a little. I know people who have drained their parents of resources for years bc of addiction and a lifetime fucking up, and have caused so much pain for their parents. Get your shit together so your mom had a few peaceful years I old age.

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philly-buck@reddit

Yeah. Sorry about that. I know it feels intrusive and creepy. Doesn’t change my advice. Get your stuff together if you can. It will help your mom immensely. I know it helped my parents when I cleaned up. Good luck. Wish you nothing but the best.

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am312@reddit

My mom didn't work long enough or hard enough to actually accrue anything even remotely close to enough to take care of herself. My sisters and I had to pay bills for her until she got sick enough to go into a nursing home. It goes both ways.

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Embarrassed-Oil3127@reddit

My mom died in 1991. Wish that I could talk to her bc yeah I’ve lived my entire adulthood without her and sometimes you just want your mom. Treasure yours.

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paperclipmyheart@reddit

My mother died almost two years ago she was 82. Her mother died when she was 27. Her whole life she mentioned when ever the subject came up that she missed her Mum. It never really goes away.

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DarkSideNurse@reddit

When my maternal grandmother died at 95, my mom remarked that it doesn’t matter how long you were blessed to have them, you’re never ready to lose your mom. Prophetic words to me, since my mom passed away 6 months later. 😔

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paperclipmyheart@reddit

So sorry for your loss 💕

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Stormy_Wolf@reddit

Yeah, at first I thought OP was going a different direction. I lost my mom when I was 26 (she was 51). I'm now 53 and damned if sometimes I don't really \*really\* want/need my mom.

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paperclipmyheart@reddit

Sorry to hear that and yea my Mum was my bestie... miss her terribly

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Pony_Baloney_Acad@reddit

I miss mine, too. She died in 2008. I am navigating perimenopause without her and it's horrible. I do the best I can to look after myself, etc etc...but nothing and no one can really replace your mom.

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PaulyRocket68@reddit

My parents are both dead almost 10 years now. I don’t have siblings. I am my own safety net because I have no other choice.

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darkon@reddit

My parents died in their 80s and were fading. The only good thing about them being dead is I don't have to worry about them any more. I still miss them, and sometimes I'll think of a question I wish I had thought to ask while they were still alive.

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Betterway50@reddit

My mom died when I was still in school. Dad worked hard labor, so I NEVER really asked him for money, worked my first job by 10yo, put myself through college. This instilled fire under my ass to be self sufficient. Dad is no longer with us. Miss them both

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omg_stfu_wtf@reddit

Same. My parents both died when I was in my 20s so I've been on my own for a long time now .

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Peaches4U2@reddit

I was that mom. Now I'm 57, and apparently they don't need me anymore. Ever. Forever. I miss my mom every day.

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Traditional_Dress_80@reddit

The important thing is to PAY HER BACK…quickly…hoping her kiddos do so without being asked.

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glucoman01@reddit

Your mom needs to start saying no to your needs and wants.

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FarCry5372@reddit

No matter how bad the situation, I will never borrow my moms money.

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WHYohWhy___MEohMY@reddit

Yes. Agree

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Blametheorangejuice@reddit

We really took it on the chin financially for about six months, between car repairs, vet bills, and a major home repair, but we refused all help from my mom (mom-in-law wouldn’t bother to offer). But we were stable enough to take the hit and we’re just now back to normal. Even though my mother is definitely sitting on a stack of money, we refused all offers, even giving her money back that she would “accidentally” leave in the house in various places.

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Cambiknitter@reddit

Can I ask why? Would she have held it over you? Would you feel guilty? I would want to help my children if they were in need.

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8--8@reddit

My grandmother was a cafeteria lady and retired with a pension. Not possible today :(

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Happy_Confection90@reddit

If you think still needing your mom in middle age is strange, wait until you find out that the feeling outlives her. My mom died when I was 38 and more than a decade later there are still days when I feel like I need her still. I don't, not really because my brother and I have years of experience not being able to turn to either parent with anything, but the feeling never really goes away.

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sane-asylum@reddit

Hanging on by a thread sure but I’ve never asked my parents once (or anyone) for money. My folks are broke, there’s no use. Your Mom is a saint

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

I honestly know how fortunate I am that my mom is still here and willing to help when life gets rough. I never meant my post to sound entitled about that. I think the bigger thing I was trying to talk about was the emotional weight and guilt that can come with needing help at this age, especially when a lot of us were raised to believe we were supposed to have everything figured out by now. And I’m sorry you’re carrying so much on your own.

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Trolkarlen@reddit

My parents haven’t done anything for me since I was 20. They even cut me off in college. If it weren’t for scholarships and loans, I would have never graduated.

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Mom_who_drinks@reddit

My parents promised to pay for college but every time a bill was due, they suffered some sort of financial setback. Coincidences, of course. They also converted my room into a den my first semester away. I still lived there!

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itsamermaidslife@reddit

That sucks. I'm m sorry you didn't have the help you should have been given.

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Trolkarlen@reddit

My dad even had the chutzpah to tell me that I'd appreciate it more without his help.

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N0stradama5@reddit

Go hug her for me? I miss my mom and she would’ve been the same for me.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Hugs to YOU for that

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HalfwayThere91@reddit

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I want to add that many of us are also trying to support our own young adult children financially, which is really, really hard when living paycheck to paycheck. These are tought times, friend. It is clear that you love your mom and she is fortunate to have you!

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this perspective. I think a lot of Gen X people are feeling squeezed from both directions right now- trying to stay afloat ourselves while also worrying about aging parents and, in many cases, helping our own kids too. Life just feels heavier than I think many of us expected it would at this stage. And thank you for the kind words about my mom. That genuinely means a lot to me.

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KingPabloo@reddit

You’re in your 50’s and still asking mom for money - oh my.

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Sea-Bill78@reddit

Why so judgmental? I am sure it took a lot for OP to share.

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KingPabloo@reddit

Because all her “grown children” are still leeching off of her. I feel sorry for the mom here, not all the kids… I’d get it if one child has some major issue (health, etc.) that still required financial assistance but not all of them - that’s absurd and I’m not going to affirm their continued dependency.

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Formal_Plum_2285@reddit

I lost my mom 3 years ago. I was 48. She was 72. And not only did I lose the unconditional love and the most fantastic and smart person in the world, I also lost my safety net. For 48 years she was the one who wiped away my tears and made everything ok again. The excruciating pain in me when she took her last breath was so severe, I just screamed and screamed and the only person who could have comforted me, was her. Anyways she also helped out financially everytime I was in need. And she always brought some random stuff when she visited. Like it’s been 3 years and I still have a box of dishwash tablets in my cupboard, cause she bought me one everytime they were on sale. It has been and still is the hardest thing in my life, having to cope without my mom. She died very sudden. Paramedics got her heart beating again and took her to the hospital, but all her organs had set out. So yeah they basically just kept her on lifesupport in the ICU for 2 days, cause I wasn’t ready to let go. I still have my stepdad (he and my mom married when I was just 2 years old) and he helps as much as he can. Like driving me 125 kilometers back and forth to the only dentist that wasn’t fully booked, when I had a bad toothache a few months ago. And he randomly bought me a new trumpet and a new guitar last year. Don’t know what to do when he passes. Hopefully he outlives me. He’s only 73.

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Anne-with-an-e-77@reddit

I feel this. Lost my mom 3 years ago at 45. I’m financially stable (in large part due to her) but emotionally it’s the worst. She was the one I called for everything. Big problems, minor inconveniences, huge celebrations, small wins, I called her. No one will ever take her place. Luckily I still have my dad and stepmom but I’ll never stop missing my mom.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

This right here is exactly what I was trying to say, and you said it beautifully. I think a lot of us realize at some point that our parents weren’t just people who helped us financially once in a while, they were the first person we called for literally everything. Good news, bad news, stupid little stories, panic, celebration… all of it. And I think losing that changes the shape of your world forever. I’m really sorry about your mom. But thank you for sharing this because it honestly helped me put my own feelings into words a little better.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Your comment honestly brought tears to my eyes. The part about the dishwasher tablets absolutely gutted me because it’s such a small ordinary thing that suddenly becomes sacred after someone is gone. And I think what you said perfectly captures the deeper fear underneath my post. It’s not just about money. It’s realizing our parents are often still our emotional safety net too, even in middle age. I’m so deeply sorry about your mom. Truly. And I’m glad your stepdad is still here with you.

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OldHead1776@reddit

One of my best friends is one of three sisters. Two of the sisters have figured out life, and don't run into problems, but the third is the biggest sponge you can imagine. She's been hitting the mom up for money, and to help her out of jams, for 40 years now. She's never really gotten an actual job, just does "things", mooches off other people, relationships, etc. She has the mom down cold with the guilt trips, gaslighting, and the other two sisters have really learned to resent it. The mom is in her 90s now, and when that ATM goes away, she's going to learn the real meaning of pain. She doesn't see it coming, but the other two do, and have made it known that they will not be helping her out. Get it together.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

I understand what you’re describing, and I agree there are situations where parents are genuinely taken advantage of. That honestly isn’t what I was trying to describe in my post. I work full time, help my mom when I can, spend a lot of time with her, and carry a lot of guilt anytime I’ve needed help myself. My post was more about the emotional reality of still needing your parents sometimes in a very hard economy, while simultaneously realizing they’re aging and won’t always be here.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

This is going to sound mean and uncalled for but how about calling her asking her how she is doing instead of I need help. Or if you do call and ask for help maybe ask for some financial planning from her. I was always told keep your mouth shut if you don't anything nice to say. Well I won't anymore. I would be embarrassed if I continually had to call and ask my mom/parents for help all the time. At this point you should be asking her if she needs anything.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

I actually do those things, which is part of why this hurts emotionally. I’m the child who lives closest to her, so I call her daily, check on her constantly, spend weekends with her, take her to breakfast or lunch, help around the house, and try to be present in her life as much as I can. My post wasn’t meant to say, “My mom exists to bail us out.” It was more about the complicated guilt and sadness of realizing that even in our 50s, sometimes life still knocks us flat financially, and parents often continue carrying emotional and financial weight long after they should be able to rest. I also admitted in the post that she has every right to resent it sometimes. That’s part of what makes it emotionally complicated.

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OkHighlight6213@reddit

I read all your posts and I’m right there with you. Ignore the clowns making snarky comments it’s not helping and it’s just rude. Not the time or place for that. This is a strange stage of life and I feel like you do. Give yourself grace and know you’re doing the best you can. Namaste!💜

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this. Honestly. I almost deleted the post after a couple of the harsher comments because I started questioning whether I explained myself badly, but comments like yours remind me why I posted it in the first place. This really IS such a strange stage of life. Trying to hold yourself together financially while simultaneously watching your parents age and realizing they still somehow carry emotional weight for all of us even when they shouldn’t have to anymore. I appreciate your kindness more than you know. Truly.

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OkHighlight6213@reddit

Awww you’re most welcome. I’m sorry some people were dickheads to you, not cool at all!! We’re known for our snarky energy but read the room people. I was verbally attacked yesterday on instagram because I help network dogs on euthanasia lists at shelters and some bitchbag came at me for saying I wasn’t doing enough to help. Really? Anyhoo you’re doing what you can do and I’m pretty sure your mom knows this and appreciates you more than you know. If you feel comfortable with it you can always shoot me a DM if you need to vent/rage out/whatever. If not that’s cool too. Just please take care of yourself also. It’s a hard knock life for sure. 🫂

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Awwwwww thank you so much!

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OkHighlight6213@reddit

You’re most welcome. I meant what I said though.😀

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discgman@reddit

Its ok, I will be bailing out my kids and grandkids until I cant do it. Its part of life. Give all to your kids.

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bikeyparent@reddit

We can do everything we thought was right and still end up needing help. You sound like a supportive child, and your mom sounds lucky to have you.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Thank you so much for saying that!!!!!

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GenX-1973-Anhedonia@reddit

You're right. It does sound mean and uncalled for.

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Retoromano@reddit

And in a moment, she’ll be gone. She’ll still save the day, through whatever she saved, but she won’t be there to see it, and you won’t be able to thank her for it. I lost my mom a year ago, and what she left me will help with the ever approaching retirement, but I’d give it all up to still have her with me.

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Retoromano@reddit

I’ll add the caveat, since others have responded that 74 is still young. My mom was 74 when she died. It can happen anytime.

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Big_Message_7824@reddit

My mom died unexpectedly at 76 four months ago. I live a couple of states away and she and my dad didn’t even tell me she was sick. I am an only child, my dad isn’t handling life well, and I have no one else. I’m devastated.

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Retoromano@reddit

With, my mom, it wasn’t fully unexpected, as she passed her last wishes on to me, but a continent away, I couldn’t be there at the end. We had our last Christmas together, and three months later, she was gone. Spend the time together that you can, with your dad, even if it’s a call. Don’t regret being far away, just appreciate the time that you have.

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Sea-Bill78@reddit

Parents much older than yours. One of them is so sharp, everyone asks for financial and other advice. Can’t imagine a life without them, you are not alone.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

Thank you for saying that

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Acceptable_Mirror235@reddit

Same for me . My parents are aware that times are harder now than when they were middle-aged . We’ve had to support our kids longer than they had to support us. At first I felt like a failure . Now I just consider myself blessed that my parents are alive and well , and able and willing to give us any help we might need. I intend to pay it forward to my own kids.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

This is exactly the kind of perspective I was hoping people would understand when I wrote the post. I think a lot of us grew up believing middle age would feel much more stable than it actually does, and there’s a lot of quiet shame attached to still needing help sometimes. What you said about moving from feeling like a failure to feeling grateful really hit me. I think that’s the emotional shift I’m trying to make too. And you’re right- I think many families are supporting each other longer than previous generations had to, because life just genuinely became harder and more expensive in ways none of us expected. Thank you for this thoughtful response.

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Acceptable_Mirror235@reddit

🩷

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strangefruitpots@reddit

I lost my mom 5 years ago, at age 69, to cancer. She was a yoga teacher, ate organic, never smoked and hardly drank… it was (is) a crushing loss. I am an only child and estranged from my father, and the feeling of aloneness and fear at no longer having the safety net was surprisingly intense. I don’t think I used that safety net once as an adult, other than for childcare help when my kids were younger. But somehow realizing that it was no longer there if I ever did need it, and that there is no longer anyone left in the world who loves me 100% best, and would do anything to help me if I needed it, was (is!) devastating. I hope that your family recognizes and is grateful for the love and support your mom gives you all.

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Jas62021@reddit

My mom has only been there for my sister. Paid for my younger sister’s BA and Masters. I was told there wasn’t enough to pay for both of us to go. So she chose her favorite. Paid for her car insurance for three decades. Off campus apartment from sophomore year of college til she graduated. Then helped her pay for wedding etc etc Was the free childcare provider for my sister’s kids. She’s 85 now. I’m hoping her investment in my sister has the kind of return she needs

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StuckInWallNPC@reddit

Think of every dollar you take from her is a year of her life that is gone. Stop asking your 72 yo mother for money and figure it out for yourselves. Sell some stuff. Get a second or third job. Asking your mom for money knowing she can't/won't say no is taking advantage of her.

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05RN@reddit

If none of her 50-something-year-old children handle their business, then mom’s done something terribly wrong in their raising.

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StuckInWallNPC@reddit

Not necessarily. Some people just poor choices in life.

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CaffeinatedGeriatric@reddit

Mom's won't stop being moms. I'm doing good but if I asked mom for 10k€ she would find it. But I'm more looking into being able to care for my parents when they get to old.

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discgman@reddit

Savor this time. When they start to need more help and transition into managed care then the hard part comes. As far as people asking for help. That ends once she goes into care. Time to sink or swim.

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Hippie-chick-4ever@reddit

Count your lucky stars that you have a mother that can do that for you! My mom was a financial, emotional and time-sucking drain on me for 20 years (me being the only one of four children still in the area). My mom died 9/2024. After having to actively and extremely manage her care for two years (selling her house against her wishes, legal battles, etc…), my sister and I both got a little money, which showed up when we really needed it. Love your mom wholeheartedly this weekend. Express your gratitude for her love and support. She’s not always going to be here. But you are strong and you’ll get through this life 🙂

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skinisblackmetallic@reddit

Math doesn't discriminate for age.

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Aynitsa@reddit

In my opinion GenX is the first generation to not do better in than the generation before them. I don’t know who started that concept though. We were lied to.

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LifeSubstance8619@reddit (OP)

I think that’s part of what scares me so much about this stage of life. When we were younger, our parents felt permanent somehow. Now one missed phone call can send my mind somewhere dark, even though she’s still active and independent. And you’re right… I think a lot of Gen X grew up believing that if we worked hard enough we’d eventually reach this stable point where the financial emergencies stopped and our parents could finally rest. But for a lot of us, it feels like we’re still putting out fires while simultaneously watching our parents age in real time. It’s a strange and painful collision emotionally.

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NapoleonBlownapart9@reddit

Turns out that an economic system that shares the ideology of a cancer cell is unworkable without extremely robust guardrails, safety nets, and morality. To question the capital-godhead is verboten and now you’re a commie or something.

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Juanfartez@reddit

Be joyous you stillhave a mom. Mine passed 10 years ago at 67. And as for them carrying us, how do we know our grandparents didn't carry them? I remember a few times of getting a thinking of you card in the mail from my grandmother with a check to my parents for no particular reason.

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Frigidspinner@reddit

\> And the worst part is… she still does that is the best part! Me and my wife had absolutely nobody to depend on and a couple of times it has only been supernatural luck which somehow came through for us

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VR46Rossi420@reddit

74 is still young. Relax bro

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