Constant anxiety, anybody else move abroad with nothing?
Posted by WrathfulNarwhal@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 39 comments
I graduated in December with my PhD in physics and although I knew the job market was bad, I wasn't expecting it to be as terrible as it was in the US. I have always dreamed about moving abroad, and after a few months of nothing I was able to land a postdoc in Germany. Which is obviously an incredible opportunity, great way to begin my career, and a wonderful chance to explore places that I wouldn't have the opportunity to otherwise.
But now that I'm here I feel so much anxiety every day. PhD's pay nothing in the US, so I made it here with almost zero in my bank account, no German language skills, no friends, no support systems, nothing. It's been about 3 weeks now and I just feel like I'm so out of place, even though my colleagues have been incredibly supportive.
Anybody else go through something like this? How did you survive the "getting your feet under you" process? I just spend most days feeling like I made a mistake. Any experience or advice is appreciated!
AlReal8339@reddit
Honestly, 3 weeks is SUCH a short amount of time for a move that massive. New country, new language, no support system, financial stress, starting a postdoc… anyone would be anxious. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
I moved abroad knowing basically nobody and the first couple of months were honestly awful mentally. Everything feels unfamiliar and even tiny tasks become exhausting. But eventually you build routines, find your places, meet people slowly, and it starts feeling normal.
Also don’t underestimate how isolating academia can be in general. If the anxiety keeps spiralling, talking to someone can really help too.
DrJohnHix@reddit
Get out of academia
goldenvisa6387@reddit
I’ve noticed a lot of people hit a “what have I done?” phase after moving abroad, even when the opportunity itself is objectively good. The first few months can feel really destabilizing before things slowly start feeling familiar. Also, moving somewhere with almost no financial cushion adds a whole extra layer of stress because it feels like there’s no room for mistakes. The fact that your colleagues are supportive is actually a really good sign though. I’d honestly focus less on “am I happy yet?” and more on just building small routines and stability for now. 3 weeks is still VERY early.
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
Absolutely, I knew I had to take this job because by every logical metric it was correct. Good pay, great opportunity, very strong for my CV as an early researcher, and I always wanted to move abroad. Unfortunately it being logically correct doesn't always make it feel easier lol, but yes as things have gone on a bit it feels sometimes better. Routines are still tough without my own apartment.
goldenvisa6387@reddit
A move can be objectively the “right” decision and still feel emotionally overwhelming for a while. And not having your own apartment/routine yet probably makes everything feel less stable too. I imagine things will feel very different once you have your own space and daily rhythm settled a bit more.
explorationofspace@reddit
3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years is when I've found most doubts/homesickness surfaces. Just give yourself some breathing space - you're not gonna explore the country while making friends while getting settled while learning the language concurrently. Pick two things to focus on for the first 3 months, then add more once things feel more solid.
On the flip side, I also suggest scheduling a yes month once you're settled - I've done this in every country I've moved to and it's been invaluable in helping me meet people and try new foods/activities I couldn't have thought about. The premise is basically: if someone invites you to do something (in a platonic manner), say yes.
Good luck!!
Pecncorn1@reddit
Take breath and try and try and find a positive in everything. u/taxnomad has hit the nail on the head. There's so much good advice in the comments it's hard to add to them. On the language, which should be a priority IMHO, you can also look for language exchange meet ups. I don't really know if that would be a thing in Germany but worth a look. You got this!
goldenvisa6387@reddit
Honestly I think most people have a “did I make a mistake?” phase after moving abroad.
goldenvisa6387@reddit
the first few months abroad can mess with people more than they expect.
shawnwildermuth@reddit
I'm in the same situation and me and my wife are divorcing after a year as expats. Anxiety is real, but someone told me that finding friends is going to the same place with regularity. That was a great suggestion for me.
Thrasher1913@reddit
I came with nothing in the Netherlands. But I came with my wife Maybe that's why. In the first month I was already used to most od the things.
taxnomad@reddit
Don’t panic, this is normal. Try coffee shops,mini bars,dating websites,walking outside,meditation,reading, positive thoughts and mindset. You don’t need friends,you need one really good friend…
MajesticTomatillo@reddit
Adding to this: be visible doing the hobbies you love. E.g. read or journal in public, join yoga or dancing courses, a pottery course or a books club, etc. it’s easier to meet people this way.
I’d also look into the Yes Theory community or Girl Gone International/GGI (women only) and networks that they have in your city.
In my experience, it’s always tough to start over. But just be your authentic self, put yourself out there, try new things, initiate drinks with colleagues or going to the park together for lunch, etc in the nice weather. It’s not something that will flip over night, it will take some time, but you’ve got this!!!
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
I am extremely fortunate that my colleagues at work have been incredibly supportive so far, but I’m basically living out of a hotel and will only get my first paycheck at the end of May so it feels like I won’t have the opportunity to truly settle until after I have a place that I can put things in. Thankfully I found some climbing gyms that I’m hoping will help take some stress off, otherwise it seems the positive mindset is the hard part
taxnomad@reddit
Don’t worry bro, life is hard sometimes I know that but everything will be okay. And remember this moment, you need this moment because after 1 year you will look back on this moment and realize how much things have changed for the better.
atimidtempest@reddit
Hey, do you mind if I ask you some questions about Physics PhD job market in the US. Currently trying to decide whether I quit my PhD.
Also, I feel you as an expat myself at the moment! It really is such a hard reboot. I would say, give yourself some grace, and be patient, moving so far would he difficult for anyone alone!
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
Of course feel free to ask me whatever you like. Obviously my experience is limited to my subfield but many of my friends from grad school are currently dealing with the job market issues as well.
EnergyHopeful6832@reddit
Expat groups. Has to be someone in the same boat. I’d try to keep in touch with friends and family back home as well. It takes time to feel at ease in a new place, it’s normal.
ExamTraditional6526@reddit
Finding your people in expat groups makes a huge difference, but keeping a thread back home really helps the transition feel less isolating.
Professional_Elk_489@reddit
Would love to see it go back to 2020 prices
FR-DE-ES@reddit
From your post history, I know you are in a rural town in NRW (not difficult to figure out which one). I am former resident of nearby Cologne (and 3 other states), I have native-German relatives&friends in 4 rural towns across Germany. You are lucky to land in the most chatty/friendly German state, but don't expect quickie friendship like in America. It takes rather long acquaintance for Germans to consider someone a "friend" (Freund).
Given that German physics postdoc positions are typically 2-4 years, I would recommend making learning German a big priority because you'd need B1 German for basic day-to-day stuff and B2 to finally feel you have a decent handle on things. A1 to B2 is about a 10-12 month journey in intensive-learning mode. Daily emersion won't teach you correct grammar, learn German grammar rules in earnest. Both BBC and Deutsche Welle web sites have good&free German learning programs. Play German news in the background in your free time to get used to pronunciation/intonation. I find watching German programs/movies/TV with German subtitle (for the hearing-impaired) very beneficial for learning German.
Also be aware that you are in a dialect-speaking town/region, every village few minutes away can have its own variation. This is the same for my relatives'/friends' rural towns/regions. Since your stay is 2-4 years, it is important to master local dialect as well.
Making friends in rural German towns is pretty standard -- volunteer for local fire department, join verein, support/help out in local charity/fundraising events, participate in local festivals ...etc.
Good luck to you!
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your help, that is a lot of good information. I’m definitely making learning the language a priority, unfortunately my first real intensive course starts in July but I’ll be doing self study daily until then. Once I think I have enough of a handle on things I will definitely try to find a verein, although the sports I usually do (rock climbing, ice hockey) I’d have to go to Cologne or Aachen for.
Still thank you for the input!
FR-DE-ES@reddit
For beginners, the BBC German program/course is great because it explains things in English.
Forget the "American ways", reset your expectations, and do everything the "German way" to fit in. Germans have very different ways of doing things, especially in rural towns. Find out what unspoken quirky rules there are in this town so that you won't inadvertently put your foot wrong. For example, in my friend's town, it is not OK to hang laundry out to dry on Sundays, even if it's in your own fenced-in gardens and passer-bys won't be able to see the laundry :-)
When in doubt re whether you should or should not do something a certain way, post on r/Germany for feedback first. That sub is quite good for cultural pointers/guidance.
Good luck!
The-American-Abroad@reddit
You’re alive, healthy, have a job, and an institution that can help you. You didn’t arrive with nothing.
ExcellentWinner7542@reddit
My ancestors fled Europe with nothing but the clothes on their back in the early 1900s and made their dreams reality.
FlippinHeckles@reddit
“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Enjoy the adventure. It will have highs and lows but everyday is a new one. It forces you to take risks, with it comes opportunity.
Extension_Annual512@reddit
It is only 3 weeks. It is normal to feel that way. But things will come around. Germans value phd
HVP2019@reddit
Look around more carefully at all kinds of different immigrants.
Try to remember that back in US there were wealthy immigrants and there were immigrants who came from very poor countries with very little money.
To survive such immigrants live with a lot of roommates, work multiple jobs, it isn’t uncommon to take jobs that are below their skill level.
It is hard and stressful life but they moved abroad because even though living abroad is hard, living back home was even harder.
lost_bob_expat@reddit
There is a totally rational explanation for what you are experiencing...it's called culture shock, and every expat and immigrants goes through it.
It's naturally much harder if you do it alone and when you don't know the language or culture.
If you'd be interested, I run a program addressing culture shock management and cross-cultural integration for expat professionals. Find me on LinkedIn if you'd like to learn more.
For now...just know that what you're going through is totally normal. Slow down, manage your stress and don't be too hard on yourself.
I would highly recommend the book "culture maps" by Erin Meyer.
It takes 18-24 months to adapt into a new culture and integrate (if all goes well). If you know that this is normal and that culture shock is normal, it already takes a bit of pressure off.
Make sure you make time for doing fun things and proper rest. Adaptation fatigue is a real thing. Take breaks from adapting and just rest, go for a walk, etc.
You're going to be just fine...
Throwawayboxx@reddit
Where in Germany are you located now? Depending on the city, there are different opportunities.
Mind_by_alex@reddit
First off, huge congratulations on the PhD and landing the postdoc! To answer your question: what you’re describing is actually a lot more common than it feels like right now.
I’m actually a psychologist and I work a lot with people dealing with anxiety around big life transitions, and moving abroad is absolutely one of the biggest triggers for it. What you’re experiencing makes complete sense. You’ve removed almost all of your usual “stability anchors” at once (familiar language, social network, daily routine, and your sense of competence in your environment). When this happens, your brain naturally reads all that uncertainty as a threat, even though the opportunity is objectively a positive one.
That anxiety you’re experiencing seems to be triggered by overload, and your body doesn’t yet know how to cope with the uncertainty. Moving abroad can feel especially intense because there’s no established routine yet, so the mind tends to fill in the gaps with worry.
However, being in a supportive workplace actually matters more than it feels like right now; it’s one of the strongest protective factors during this adjustment phase, even if you don’t feel fully “at home” yet.
If you have more questions, feel free to text me. 😊
lluluna@reddit
Hang on though I have to say that assuming the rest of the world is better than the US and somehow easier to make it on your own are the type mistake that someone like you really shouldn't make.
There's a very good reason that immigrants all over the world love the US. 😅😅 The upward social mobility with no backgrounds, no connections, no capitals or "rags to riches" stories really don't happen that often in other parts of the world.
But you have a PhD and it's always a good life and work experience. All the best!
ellytic@reddit
It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed after moving to a new country, especially under such challenging circumstances. Many expats go through similar feelings of anxiety and isolation. Here are some tips that might help you as you settle into your new life in Germany:
Remember, you're not alone in this experience. Many have successfully navigated similar journeys. If you have specific questions about bureaucracy or any practical matters related to living in Germany, feel free to ask!
Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with identity services like AFM registration and certified translations in Greece. Happy to answer any questions!
icecream1973@reddit
Well, hard to say only after 3 weeks.
"so I made it here with almost zero in my bank account, no German language skills, no friends, no support systems, nothing"
But those are the very important toppics to consider BEFORE you make a move out of your home country. Unfortunately it is too late now.....!!! Just embrace the adventure, focus on the new, take it day by day if need be.
Good luck.
Note: get into a group language course, easy to meet new people there, find & locate expat groups, look for hobby groups etc etc etc.
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
Trust me they were definitely topics I spent a lot of time considering lol, but being unemployed in the US for 4 months is a great way to lose all your money. I did what I could for German but only made it up to about A1 level which isn't enough to really get by. I did sign up for an intensive language course through my workplace, but it starts in July unfortunately. Maybe I can try a verein for some sports
icecream1973@reddit
Fair enough.
Volunteering, Team sports, dancing lessons (thesre are brilliant for getting up close with new people even with limited local language you can always speak with the language of DANCE!) etc etc
I wish you & your German adventure the very best.
beginswithanx@reddit
You’ve only been there for three weeks! It’s impossible to know if you’ve made a mistake, since you’ve only just arrived. You need to give it more time.
But yes, immigrating is stressful! Immigrant life, especially with not being able to soak the local language, is life on hard mode. My first year living abroad I got crazy anxiety and even got some sort of gastritis issue due to the stress.
Take things day by day, reduce as much stress as possible, be okay with things not being perfect or how you want them to be, and most importantly get therapy. Therapy can be very helpful as you navigate this transition.
WrathfulNarwhal@reddit (OP)
Thank you, therapy is a good idea I will have to see if it's offered by my workplace
Electronic-Call-4319@reddit
Welcome to immigrant life.