25 years after my family left the UK, I've seen my extended family a dozen times. Anyone else dealing with this?
Posted by Budget_War_3625@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 12 comments
My family moved from the UK to Japan when I was 12. Since then I've lived in Singapore and now Australia.
I've seen my UK extended family about a dozen times in 25 years - the same amount I used to see them in 2-3 years.
I've missed two funerals, multiple weddings, and family Christmases. My grandfather died before meeting my daughter. My grandmother is desperate to meet her, but we can't afford the flights from Australia.
The Zoom calls make it worse somehow. The 'can't wait to see you' sign-offs when neither of us knows when that will be.
I know this is part of expat life. But I don't think anyone warned my parents (or me) that this is what distance actually costs long-term.
Anyone else in this position? How do you deal with it?
Edit: I've been writing about the long-term impacts of growing up globally if anyone's interested - link in my profile.
SeanBourne@reddit
I live in Aus (halfway around the world) from my parents. My brother and his family live maybe 1.5 klicks away door to door in the same small Northeast US town. Before this I lived in another US region. I will typically get back and see my folks more often in person than my brother will. I also make a point to call every week.
That said, my nephews see my folks nearly weekly (or at least once a month) … which my (hypothetical at this point) kids wouldn’t have been able to match.
bigredsweatpants@reddit
Yeah. I left in 2005/7 and have seen my siblings maybe 4 times since then. They have never met my son. My parents have come over maybe 5 times between the two, and only once I had the child. They’re divorced so yeah… we’re just not really in each others lives. It sucks, but I probably wouldn’t have left if we were super close.
badlydrawngalgo@reddit
Families drift apart like this even if they all live in the same country. I grew up in the same country as my father's family, around 250km away from some of them. I only met them 2 or 3 times in my life. I'm quite "close" to my niece, we talk a lot, but the reality is that although for 10 years, we lived 60km apart, we rarely saw each other in person. We now live in different countries, we continue not to meet in person even though the intention is always there
If you've moved countries, it's human nature to ascribe "emigration" as the reason for drifting apart, but it happens naturally even when you live in the same country, or even the same town.
Budget_War_3625@reddit (OP)
I agree, a lot of this stuff is very family specific. For my family it’s quite obvious it’s a direct result of us moving as we still talk regularly, but just via zoom. And when we do see them in person they have made it clear they wish we would move back, for a few different reasons.
jastity@reddit
Three times I think. Most of them I’ve never met. I could have sought them out but I have no sense that they are family. Many if not most dead now.
My family communicated through regular letters.
Budget_War_3625@reddit (OP)
Yeah same, they sent family newsletters with pictures and stuff.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
Was topic of immigration never mentioned in literature, movies?
You and I moved abroad at the same time, before the internet, but I remember there were movies, books, stories of distant relatives who moved abroad. How many of them never came back, or came back as old people. How much they suffered from nostalgia.
So even though I was moving during times when we had planes and phones ( yet international calls were expensive) my idea about immigration was at least partially influenced my stories of immigrants of earlier era.
And even if I were ignorant of this topic, then I had plenty of warnings from my relatives and friends, including from my grandmother: “I will never see you again”. She was correct.
Budget_War_3625@reddit (OP)
I was a child brought up like this. I wasn't the one doing the immigrating / emmigrating. It was fairly common in my parents' families to move around. But I think a lot of the ramifications sneak up on you. Realising your life is established somewhere other than your home country and 10+ years have passed since you lived there..
It's complicated, and every family will have their unique set of circumstances.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
I didn’t mean you, obviously. You said no one warned your parents. I don’t know what good would it be to warn you, 12 years old minor.
Budget_War_3625@reddit (OP)
indeed. Who knows what my parents knew / were thinking / got told etc.. We've only talked about it a little bit.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
What are your plans for your future? Will you be raising your kids close by their grandparents? Or will you keep moving to other countries?
Budget_War_3625@reddit (OP)
I'm staying where I am. My partner's family are all here. If you have time and are interested I've written a few short, free articles about my expat childhood. There's in a link in my bio.