Thoughts on friendship

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defixiones@reddit

It seems logical but actually you're probably overthinking it.

For example, when you were doing the inviting, did you make sure to ask every single person? When you went out, did you notice who wasn't there?

People are more forgetful than vindictive for the most part.

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Don’t keep score or keep track of who reached out and when- if you enjoy their company, just invite them to hang out when you want to see them. Don’t take it personally if they are not the planning type and you are

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godofwine16@reddit

“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when was 12. Jesus does anyone?”

That’s why that movie is gold to me. That one line.

I feel with me as I’ve grown old I’ve become hardened and less willing to let people in because I know that all it takes is one job loss, one relocation and poof it’s gone. So why go through all that heartache?

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peteofaustralia@reddit

I deleted Facebook (because Zuck is evil) and made sure everyone knows I was, made sure I gave everyone my number and email.
It was like I died. I never really heard from any of them ever again.

I was also the friend who initiated everything. Some commenters will say that that's a valid role in friendships, and there's the people in the passive friend roles who appreciate it. But fuck me, you'd think someone would reach out and invite you to come play pool or go to the park with some drinks and a speaker.
Nope. 💔

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LayerNo3634@reddit

A lot of people have replaced friends with Facebook. It's not the same.

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BigDougSp@reddit

This is a sad truth... and I count myself among them. For minimal effort, I could keep up with folks, and they occasionally "like" my posts so I know they are thinking of me... I have stopped posting on facebook and do more lurking now... it is crazy how one-sided facebook really is when it comes to socializing. I am too deep in FB to get rid of it, but now that I am inactive, I can see how... superficial... it all is.

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peteofaustralia@reddit

Totally true, yes.

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BigDougSp@reddit

Late GenX here (1980), and I am in a similar but different situation. I will share my experiences... but all names are made up for non-doxxing, etc.

Had a core group in HS, but they fizzed out within a year of going to college.

Had another core group in college, still in touch with some of them, and only close "friends" with one, lets call him Phil. Another friend was Mike, but he fizzled away when he graduated.

Near the end of college, I built a new core group. Todd (whom I knew in HS, but wasn't part of the core group), Abe, Rohan, and Neal. I am still "friends" with all of these guys, but rarely see any of them.

After college, I continued to associate with the most recent group, as well as Phil. Over time, a few guys added to the not quite core, but folks all knew each other and we would sometimes have group events. Jim, Mitch, and Edward were the newest additions. Joss was the most recent addition, but not super close.

Over the next decade, Careers happened. Marriages happened. Folks moved to other states. Kids happened. Divorces happened. Rifts happened as a result of divorces. Some rifts healed, some did not. I was best man in Phil's wedding, and he was best man in both of mine. Phil is impossible to arrange with, though local. Todd is still tight, but lives across the country. Edward faded. Joss is hard to catch time with. Rohan grew apart from me. Neal is close, but has a ton of kids and some marriage issues. Mitch is around and can usually schedule a hang, but it takes advanced planning. Jim is the only person I can reliable hang out with from any of these folks. It helps that my toddler and his... just barely not a toddler.. get a long great. Life just.. gets in the way as we all got older, ESPECIALLY when kids come along.

If I were to plan an event at my house, in advance, I MIGHT be able to rely on Phil, Neal, Rohan, Jim, and Mitch to show up. They might not be a huge tight group, but they are who I still have around. NONE of these folks ever reach out to me to hang out more than once or twice a year, it is usually me doing the inviting. Also, I am high masking neurodivergent (about half of these guys are) and VERY introverted. It is weird that I hang out with my wife's friends, and enjoy doing so, more often than my own. I think these changes are fairly normal as we get older, but I do feel the need to branch out to try to make new (additional, not replacement) friends out there... I just suck at doing it.

I miss HS and college, where a bunch of similarly aged folks are just "put together" in a dorm or classroom, and figure it out from there. It seemed so easy back then.

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CaribbeanDreams@reddit

No HS friends as I attended 3, no college friends as I wasnt in a frat, slightly older and paying my own way thanks to the GI Bill. Then moved 500+ miles to start a career where everyone was transplants and no one stayed for more than 3yrs.

Thankfully my kid is my best friend. I do dream of the Utopia that is active adult communities where some sort of commonality and friendship can be found but I'm not optimistic.

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RetroBassed@reddit

I moved from NY to FL in jr high/middle school. I had good friends in NY and we had all grown up together. But I never made the same connections after moving. As an young adult I moved around alot due to my career. I eventually settled back down in FL near my family, got married and had my own family. I was socially active but found many of my so-called friends would just take and take with no reciprocation, so I'd stop hanging out with them. I felt like an extrovert who over several decades became an introvert to protect myself. And now, I just don't care anymore. I have been diagnosed with PolyOsteoarthritis and find it's easier now just doing what I can and not having (outside of my family) demands on my time. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but I also don't have the time or energy for people's B.S. Especially when I don't have a long-term connection to them. (This definitely came up b/c of politics and also people who wanted to go "out on the town" in the middle of Covid.) I have sometimes thought there's something wrong with me, but seeing on here how many other people my age also don't have a vibrant social life nips that in the bud. And even if I've been partly responsible for it over the years, I just don't care about it anymore. The really shitty part is that my younger sister passed away unexpectedly and tragically almost 20 years ago. Maybe that partially affected my friendships and connections to other people. I really wish she was still here.

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altairstarlite@reddit

My last two close friends both killed themselves in the past year and a half.

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demona2002@reddit

That must be devastating. So sorry this happened.

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GoldaV123@reddit

I’m so sorry. That is brutal. I’m wishing for all good things coming your way in the next year and a half 🤘

A friend of mine (not a close friend) killed himself last year and I find myself thinking about it a lot, just trying to understand. I have thought about it myself but he seemed to have a much better life than me. We all have a lot going on that is not seen on the surface.

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demona2002@reddit

I made a friend last year using Bumble BFF. At first it was great - we are both late 50s career professionals with interest in art , music, travel and exercise. We’d meet weekly and had a lovely time hitting the beach, art galleries, brunches.

Then she broke up with a guy she dated from online for 4 months. Evidently screamed at him and threw him out of her apartment infraction. When I visited her she became hysterical crying, talking about how no one sticks around… talked about suicide. I was really concerned and comforted her. We had a few more meetups after that and she seemed to have calmed down and back to normal.

Then she disappeared … changed her phone number… then turned back up…. then ghosted me again.

I blocked her number and now … Im good just hanging out with my husband!!!

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denvergardener@reddit

I think honestly you just described most people. I think most people don't have a lot of friends, and don't initiate things.

We have a pretty strong friend group. And I agree with some others here, there are definitely people in each friend group who are the initiators.

We play that roll in our friend group. People are generally happy to do things that we initiate. We have great parties, go out to dinner, even travel together. But it's almost always something we plan and initiate. When we don't, others don't either.

I've seen the same thing in every work setting I've been in. Most people don't have a lot of friends, and are glad when you invite them to do things, but I found very few people at work initiate things and invite you.

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maythemetalbewithyou@reddit

I don't know your situation, but here's mine. I had a lot of close friends in high school but we all partied and I was the one who partied a little too hard. After rehab I moved back home and most of my friends were gone. So I had to find new friends. Most of the people I tried to make friends with already had a friend group and I was the fifth wheel. Then I got the itch and I moved to New York City. Same thing, most of the people I tried to make friends with were already in a friend group. Met my wife, started a family and then we moved to Missouri. Raising kids, you come into contact with a lot of people but I found one of two things, I was either too old or too young to be able to relate to some of the people that I met, and the others had their own friends so that cycle repeated itself. I've tried hanging out with work friends but they're just work friends.

My personality is, sometimes I like to socialize and sometimes I don't. I find as I've gotten older I would rather not socialize. My wife and I are very similar in that respect and we are each other's best friend. She has a hard time making friends and has found the same thing, she'll meet somebody who is already part of a friend group and it just doesn't work out. Even in my neighborhood, people are either 10 or 20 years older than us or 10 or 20 years younger than us.

Que sera, sera

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This-Explanation4366@reddit

Same. Political divisions did in what COVID degraded. Moving across the country proved it was really 'out of sight, out of mind ' for the rest.

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BTS_ARMYMOM@reddit

People that I thought would be friends forever didn't stick. They came and went. Maybe that's how it is for some people. My cousin and my husband are the only 2 people whom I spill my guts out to. I guess that will have to be good enough

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VanillaHuel@reddit

Are you me? 🤔

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Commisceo@reddit

Most of my closest friends have died one way or the other. It’s a shit situation but I kinda left myself without close friends now. I think I like it this way too.

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lazytiger40@reddit

I have no close, recent friends. All of my close knit friends I have known for many many years....but unfortunately at the moment I live far away from all of them ..

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KimBrrr1975@reddit

I have tiers of relationships. My husband is my best friend. My childhood best friend and I are still close, but we only see each other a few times a year. We text often. A local friend I am close with, but she has 2 high-needs autistic kiddos and just is not available (understandably). We do what we can. I have adult kids who I am close to. My parents are still alive and I see them often. I just started a new job, but meeting people there.

I am fine keeping them as tiers though. I honestly don't have the time or bandwidth to suddenly have a group of friends. Sometimes I feel crappy about it but that's mostly due to every single tv show always being about this big group of "we love each other like family" friends who do absolutely everything together, including eating dinner 😂 But that's not how ANYONE I know has friendships. I am actually content with how my social life is. I have room for more, but I'm ok not adding more, too. My work and community interaction is enough and then I have (mostly) enough time with the friends I am close to. Add in the husband and I'm pretty good.

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Cars_Music_GoodTimes@reddit

I have Tiers as well:

Friends made as adults due to similar interests that I group-text with daily and hang out with at least monthly (8-10 people). I used to organize a monthly dinner, which fell to quarterly after COVID.
High school & college friends who live in other states that I see or talk to at least 2x a year. Many of these include text messages at least monthly
Buddies that I see at social events. We occasionally hang out outside of these events.

I found that many people get wrapped up in their own family life. Since I don’t have a family of my own, I take on organizing get togethers. My friends appreciated it, as they have limited bandwidth. And it is easier for them to attend rather than organize.

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BottleAgreeable7981@reddit

All of my friends are at the gym these days. Childhood friends have all fallen off.

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LayerNo3634@reddit

I have friends because I go to church. Close friendships happen when you see the same people every Sunday for 20 years. We call each other, visit, meet for lunch, even go on vacation together. If it weren't for church, I wouldn't have any friends.

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whatsthedeal-@reddit

I prefer to hang out with my dog

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BlownCamaro@reddit

This might sting a little but it's sound advice:

Be the friend you always wanted to have.

That's it.

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WindChimeTecnician@reddit

Love it. I’d add that we should also be the person/parent/boss/neighbour you want to have as well.

Damn, life would be better if we all moved the needle a bit in these areas wouldn’t it!

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skiphandleman@reddit

This deserves upvotes.

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StatisticianFun2274@reddit

I hate people, so obviously I don't have any friends. Lots of acquaintances. If I'm being honest, I never want to hang out with anyone. The bane of my existence as I approach 60 are weddings and funerals.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

Serious question, Why do you hang out on reddit with a whole bunch of people you don't know then?

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StatisticianFun2274@reddit

I hate to break it to you, but social media isn't really social, lol.

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RizzmwitTheTism@reddit

it’s better because it’s 1-sided. You can interact when and if you want, or not interact with no expectations or feedback from others about anything they’re disappointed in. There’s no obligation or forced social response

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MaximumJones@reddit

Having friends sounds exhausting as fuck. Hard pass. 😁

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Retire_Trade_3007@reddit

I’ve generally felt the same way. People seem to enjoy spending time with me when we do but I rarely get the invite or will be the one left off the smaller list of invites. I’m just not very conversational and I’m a bit shy and guarded. I just accepted that is who I am and I don’t mind my solitude when it’s there.

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sleepypossumster@reddit

25 years ago, I had a pretty close friend who I met at work. My wife and I moved away, though, and the friendship kind of fizzled out after a few years. I haven't made any real listing friendships since then, although there have been a few work buddies with whom I still keep in touch. At this point, though, I have no friends that I'm not married or related to, but I count myself lucky to have those relationships. I'm sure my wife doesn't always want to hear me drone on about every little thing that pops into my head, but I'm thankful that she does listen anyway...

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CommanderSincler@reddit

Thankful that my wife does too. I'm sure she hears about certain subjects more than she cares too

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LuckyAd2714@reddit

My brother in law just realized if he didn’t invite people to everything - nothing happened and no one invited him. So all his friends he thought he had - aren’t really friends. The bad side is they keep hanging out with each other .. not him. I was just reading an article about being the ‘fringe’ friend. I have been this friend many times. I’ve been so directly and embarrassingly not included in things. Even things where I initiate and someone else takes it over and I’m out. I do have some core friends I hang out with ,, and they aren’t high maintenance and I don’t have to see them all the time.

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Rogue_Apostle@reddit (OP)

Yes! This is me. I'm the Fringe Friend.

So many times I've accidentally found out I wasn't included in something. Sometimes I think it was intentional and sometimes I think they just didn't think to invite me. I honestly don't know which is worse.

Even though I know it's not always ill-intentioned, it still hurt and made me wary of getting close to people. Which then makes it kind of a self fulfilling prophecy.

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CommanderSincler@reddit

Fellow fringe friend here. It's been the story of my life. Wife and I have two solid friends, which we hope never separate, and that's it. People from work and other activities are close as long as you have that thing in common, but scatter like the wind the moment that thing is taken away

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SewerHarpies@reddit

I’m also the fringe friend. As a result, most of my friends are also fringe friends. As is my partner. I have friend from middle school who also settled in the same city as me. I have a couple (actual) work friends who I really only see a couple times a year, but when we do, it’s like we were never apart. I have a few coworkers I’ll hang out with outside of work on occasion, but I usually feel like the odd man out. My partner divorced his ex 2 years ago and is slowly realizing all of his friends are actually her friends. It’s definitely a thing. It seems like we grew up without there being an expectation of making friends as adults, and that’s been the experience of so many people.

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Independent_Tough_81@reddit

I have a few true friends, most of them I've known for a decade or more... the measure of Friendship to me is, when you don't talk for weeks or even months, but when you do, you can catch up on details, like it's been hours or days since you last talked...especially when you get to a point where everyday is basically like any other...

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Educational_Fox2212@reddit

I find that friends come and friends go but that’s okay. I change too and sometimes we just grow apart. My wife is my best friend and we’re still together, despite it all.

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Icy-Bunch-4072@reddit

I can relate to this 100%. Every word you wrote goes through my mind once in a while. I am lucky that my husband is my best friend. We can hang out for hours and talk. We never had kids so it’s just always been us. It does make me a little sad too. I’ve given up trying.

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Crankyanken@reddit

This is my wife and I, and I am so thankful for her. Her BF of decades passed last year, my only good friend is looking for his way out of our friendship, (and sadly succeeding), but we were the type that enjoyed the Covid lockdown together. It is sad our tight circle has gotten tighter, but we still have each other, and that is all that matters. ❤️

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Sintered_Monkey@reddit

There are common interests, and then there are common values. Common interests are how people make friends, but common values are what make friendships last. I have realized that with a lot of my friends, we once had common interests, but we never had common values. Interests come and go, but values don't.

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mistress_of_disco@reddit

Important distinction!

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Sintered_Monkey@reddit

I have to thank my therapist for that bit of insight. It made me come to grips with the concept that not all friendships are meant to last, and that's okay.

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pmllny@reddit

I consider myself a lucky person. My best friend since 2nd grade lives a mile away and we see each other all the time. I also belong to a number of exercise groups and have a nice group of friends in each one. Ive got kickboxing friends, bootcamp friends, and zumba friends. We hang out a lot and have a great time. Then I see my current and past work friends for dinner or drinks pretty regularly. I also belong to the local pool and have nice people there that I'll meet for lunch from time to time. I also host a weekend for 9 of my college friends every fall and that is always a blast. I am lucky to have such kind and fun people in my life...and I never take that for granted.

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gumby_twain@reddit

I have no friends, nor even contact with family really. At this point, it’s all related and like you, i KNOW it’s me.

At this point, i am stuck with a weird dissonance. As much as i might “wish” i had friends and family, the reality is i don’t ever reach out to anybody, ever.

In case you think I’m exaggerating. You know the old cliche about how at a certain point you only see certain family/people at weddings and funerals? Well last year my cousin died. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her. The last time I saw her parents, my aunt and uncle was 5 years ago at another uncles funeral. So I didn’t go to her funeral. Didn’t even send my condolences to my aunt and uncle, or her brothers. Fuck it. I haven’t talked to them in 5 years, what’s the point now?

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BusPsychological4587@reddit

I resemble this remark.

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mis_1022@reddit

I am sorry but I will say keep trying. At first you need to find a way to say yes to every invite, if you are not extroverted it will probably be a struggle for you. This was happening with hubby not continuing to get invites and I found after two times saying no you don’t get the invite anymore.

Find a group to join, I joined a Bible study at church and we have become the best of friends. Occasionally only 2-3 will get together but those ladies don’t work, the rest of us work typical hours so can’t get together during the day.

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Cat2370@reddit

Husband and I had a lot of friends before the pandemic. Then everyone moved away, and I quit drinking, which has been great for my health but doesn’t help my very limited social life. Basically my only social activity is yoga and I do have some “yoga friends”—but I’ve only been able to coordinate a few outside activities. Maybe it just takes time? I srsly don’t remember making friends ever being this hard. That said, I’m an introvert so I’m ok with it. But there are times I really miss having a robust friend group.

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zosgood@reddit

I have felt like this in the past. Now I have gym friends, and we are tight. Nothing else like shared suffering to create a bond. We are all genx or older (I think one is elder millennial). At this point, I have become the one who everyone texts if they'll be late, are not coming, or are looking for someone to join them for a workout. It's niche, but it works for us.

Find your niche.

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Forgot-pas@reddit

I used to crave social time, but I’ve come to realize I leave most interactions feeling drained rather than energized — especially when conversations stay surface-level. Small talk and pleasantries only go so far. Give me real conversation, or at least some good gossip 😄. I’m also someone who loves to spoil the people I care about, and that kind of attention is something I can only genuinely extend to a few. So a small, close circle suits me just fine — quality over quantity, always.

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CAWildKitty@reddit

| I often wonder if our social network now…would’ve been different without these screens we forever have attached to our hands.

It’s a great question to ask. I also think it’s behind this trend of detachment we are all seeing. Take a look at this photographic series that questions what is happening:

https://www.ericpickersgill.com/removed

I find this series haunting. It shows how we have “removed” ourselves from each other.

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Fassbinder75@reddit

I’m curious about people, I don’t have any problem making friends. I’m genuinely interested in people’s lives, what they do and why they do it. Ask questions, even if it might seem intrusive occasionally, and listen, just listen to what they have to say. People who talk all the time unprompted are boring, and who wants to hang out with bores?

If you’re not good at conversation, find a hobby you like and share that with other people. Knitting, model making, fishing, judo, whatever.

My best friend is effectively my brother. We have different views on politics but we text most days. I have known him since I was 11.

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Forgot-pas@reddit

I used to want to hang out but have realized that I feel very drained listening to others if they are only talking superficially and I barely have anything to share. Unless the convo opens to some hot gossip or such :). You can only go that far with the small talk and the usual pleasantries. Also, I like to spoil who I like from time to time, and I can’t do that to any and all. So a couple of friends are more than enough to keep me entertained.

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Torandax@reddit

I have one friend but she has a man and doesn’t have time for me.

So that’s it.

I had more friends before the pandemic but they are either gone or have other priorities now. And it is very difficult making friends at this age.

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PahzTakesPhotos@reddit

I have friends through the renaissance faire community and they're awesome people. There are a few I'm close enough with that we text a lot and some I literally only see for about three months out of the year. And a few of us will even get together and do themed photo shoots in the off-season.

But, I also have my husband. He's the one constant. And we're lucky our kids are so great, because hanging out with them doesn't always feel parent-y. We talk and cackle-laugh or watch movies. My daughters (36, 32) get together and have tea parties (where we drink tea, eat tea party foods, cackle-laugh). We see our son (34) more than the girls just because of proximity.

As a child of a career soldier, I moved around a bit and don't have many childhood friends that I'm still in touch with. Except that one guy from high school. But I married him, so he can't go anywhere.

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introvertednurse75@reddit

I relate to this a lot. I made friends in school and stayed friends a.bit but my 1st husband alienated me in his controlling me. We divorced ans I remarried a good man but the damage had been done and I lost track of many people. Then I moved states. Now I am basically just social media buddies with what were good friends. I have some work friends that I chat with at work and occasionally see. But no true best friends. No one that I feel that I can call and really share my thoughts with. It does make me sad but I also feel like it is what it is. I have me and my husband. And God. I talk to Him a lot.

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Suckerforcats@reddit

This is pretty normal. I have friends in my home state that I've had since childhood or early 20's and where I live now and I am usually the one making the plans. I don't go out as much anymore, maybe once every 6 weeks and I don't do a lot of the activities I did before either. I'm always tired so I think my friends just don't ask unless it's to get a meal or something that doesn't take too long to do. Where I have lived the last 20 years, I had zero friends for the first maybe 8 years. I joined Meetup groups and that's how I met most of the friends I have now which have become good friends. Maybe look into Meetup and see if there's other people in your area.

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Worldly_Possible2925@reddit

I’ve moved 20 times in 27 years. I gots no one apart from my wife.

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Honeybee71@reddit

All of my friends moved out of state, but we still talk on the phone

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xxMalVeauXxx@reddit

Everyone here together, yet alone. Wild when you look at it here like this. Very much mimics the world, so many billions of people yet everyone is alone. Social media and fake influencing has poisoned everyone with the FOMO.

Live your life like its 1985.

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Distinct_Magician713@reddit

I have a best friend that I see at least once a week and text with once a day. She and my husband are about the only ones.

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Available_Wolf1059@reddit

Over the years I ended up keeping in touch with 3 friends from middle school on a regular basis. But we all move to different states but stayed in touch and visited. I had a larger group of friends but none of them reply. Made new friends in college and kept in touch for several years after college but they too faded away. If I reach out I get no response. I still send an email or text every couple of years and no one responds. I don’t take it personal I jut think “whatever”.

I relocated recently after 25 years in the south. Moved way up north. I have a couple of friends here. Good friends too that I hear from a few times a week and we hang out when time allows. As for work, I try not to hang out with anyone from work because all we talk about is work and who wants to do that?

My 3 middle school friends? 2 of them have passed away and that leaves one who lives over 1,000 miles away. But I her from him all the time.

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Flababulous@reddit

Moved around a few times as a kid, went into the military right after high school before college. Always had friends everywhere I went, but never really made an effort to keep up after moving on. My real world social life is my wife, our neighbors, and fellow parents (we have a 15 yo son), but it's all pretty limited (and I don't mind it that way).

Finding online social interaction gratifying (Reddit and the present sub included), and I'm active in an online gaming realm as well as a moderator for large university sports fansite.

TL;DR - I've had good fill of the real world, but cool with where I'm at.

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Paperbackpixie@reddit

It’s fairly lonely out there as far as friendship goes. As kids we would play outside we would meet new people. Usually the friend that you were playing with they had friends and you would all get together.

But we don’t actually call anyone anymore. Heaven forbid somebody actually knocks on your door. We immediately get suspicious.

I often wonder if our social network now that were older adults would’ve been different without these screens, we forever have attached to our hands.

Both my mom and dad had friends. They would come over. My dad had a golf buddy. He played on a baseball team. Mom would host block parties. Tupperware parties, a little sangria and night.

And the one friend I do have is a pretty bad friend and I know that.. she uses me so a very reluctantly call her friend. She’s a friend when it’s convenient for her.

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effiebaby@reddit

Esh, I have friends from HS and earlier. And I have friends from over a lifetime. I would say that a handful are good friends. The ones you know will be there for you if you call.

Sadly, life gets busy. We don't get to see one another as often as we'd like. But, when we get together, we pick up like it was yesterday.

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Rogue_Apostle@reddit (OP)

Yeah, life gets busy. I totally get that. Time gets away from me too. But if someone literally never reaches out, I assume they don't really want to continue the friendship. Is that the wrong assumption?

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effiebaby@reddit

I think each instance needs to be judged separately. I really do think people just get caught up. But, I have had ones such as you mentioned and just cut them loose.

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theredqueentheory@reddit

I found myself being lonely when I moved to a small-ish town in the PNW. They call it the PNW "freeze", where no one wants to make new friends. So I started a club with my special interest, it just happened to be horror movies, and advertised it on my local Reddit, and slowly got interest from people of all ages. I made a Discord for the club, and it has 85 members, and about 15 of us show up regularly for once a month movie meetups, and then I found myself making individual friends from that. Now we're going mushroom hunting this weekend with a few people from the club, and also play TTRPGs with another group people from there. It's been a fantastic experience!

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Paperbackpixie@reddit

Hey hey.. 👋 PNWesterner here.

I get you. A lot of us don’t even wanna leave our districts or boroughs. And oh my goodness if your town is divided by a bridge and you have to go over to the east side to visit somebody you might as well feel as if you’re grabbing your passport.

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Mysterious_Can_6106@reddit

I have 3 girl friends from middle school that I see once or twice a year, other than that it’s just my husband, he’s been my best friend for 32 years, married 31 years.

Remember the more friends you have the bigger the pain in the ass gets. You have your hubby and I’m willing to bet he’s a best friend to have 🫶🏻

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whatsthis1901@reddit

NGL I'm one of those "bad friends'. I'm just not the type of person to make plans to hang out. I'm more than a little introverted, so going out with people isn't really a top priority, but if asked, I will go out and do something. I love my friends, and luckily, they get my weirdness and don't hold it against me lol.

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Oxjrnine@reddit

After university and before the retirement home, someone has to do the maintenance so don’t take it personally if someone is not inviting you they are just unaware that maintenance is required for adult friendships if you want to be friends with someone and it requires you to be the one to plan a play date or whatever don’t get hung up on it as long as the two of you enjoy each other’s company during that event it doesn’t matter if you called them or they called you

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zenmaster_B@reddit

Most of my friends are deceased or burned out years ago. The couple of friends I have left are living their own lives, so we don’t talk too much

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Reader47b@reddit

I think I understand where you're coming from. I feel like I'm that person who is inoffensive to have around. People don't mind my company, they are perfectly content to have me in the group, but I'm not someone anyone thinks to invite to anything or that anyone attempts to pursue a deeper, individual relationship with. They don't dislike me and perhaps even enjoy having me around, but I'm just not ever going to be a part of anyone's core friend group. I've come to accept it. I do think it's me - maybe I'm just too reserved, but I don't know how to be other than I am.

So I join clubs, because with clubs there are open invitations: "We're meeting here and doing this..." And anyone who is in the club is welcome to show up. That way, I have something to do and people to do it with, people I get to know on at least some level, even if I never have a deep friendship. I would like a deep friendship. It is lonely not having one. But this way I at least have things to do and people to do them with. But I don't have a single person, for instance, that I'd feel comfortable calling up and asking to accompany me to a surgery or procedure and drive me home. That's something I think about a lot as I get older.

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No-Lock6921@reddit

Well maybe it's just you and me in a lollipop pool with 2 turds because my story is the same as yours. I have kind of chalked it up to a bit of my directness and I don't suffer fools. I have been a good friend and don't offer an opinion unless asked.

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Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit

I haven’t had any friends since high school and college. After that I’d sometimes hang out with coworkers but not really as friends. Working shifts and overtime leave little time for friends. As I got older I prefer to be alone.

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MissMurderpants@reddit

I have 4 best ish or really good friends of over 30 years plus a gaggle of others I can call my friend and invite out to breakfast or coffee.

The top 4 live 3,5, 12 and 14 hours away by car. We see each other when we can or call or text. We’ve gone on road trips or visited.

My older siblings have less people in their lives but they have kids. I have no children. Ive had time to invest in my friends and myself.

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WhereItsAt75@reddit

I have had friends only to be let down when I find out I'm more of a friend to some than they are to me. When I dont go out of my way to contact or see them they dont reach out.

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Anxiouslycalm12@reddit

exactly. Why fight to keep people in my life if they dont want to be there.

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Anxiouslycalm12@reddit

didnt have any friends in HS, I moved around. I was also different, wasn't "fall in line" cool. I have 1 or 2 friends that I occasionally talk to in 30 yrs. My gaf meter for needing friends is reducing as I get older.

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bizh_gki@reddit

I’ve got a bit of a negative outlook on things, it seems, but a lot of friendships aren’t on equal footing. They often seem to involve the people involved wanting to get something out of their time with the other(s). A lot of toxic people are looking for people to use and plenty of people are seeking to be used. Might be you are egalitarian enough that a lot of those seeking these kinds of dynamics aren’t finding reasons to remain. Possible that you are doing yourself a favor. But, again, I’ve a pretty deeply ingrained level of perhaps it’s cynicism, not sure what word is best, but it’s a negative outlook.

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katnap4866@reddit

I have had many friends over the years and only a few endure, though I'd love to stay in touch with most but life happens. Relationships require effort and time, something that is hard to come by. But my husband, family, and a few friends are the ones who receive my time. And it's less about keeping score of who's carrying the greater load to keep the thing going, because it evolves. My best buds have come through in the clutch for me many times.

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squirtloaf@reddit

I meann, with my REAL friends, it was never about inviting anyone or getting invited. Everybody just sort of went places.

In school it was like: "You going to Pinball Pete's tonight?"
"Yeah".
"Cool. See you there."

It's kind of the same now. All of the cross-inviting is just socializing.

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earinsound@reddit

I have three friends from my teen years still and know a lot of people I met through common interests, a couple of whom I would consider friends. One thing I have noticed is that many of the latter are pretty cliquey, which I don't like or identify with. I know that I'm not on certain group texts and I don't get invited to this and that. I don't know if I give off that I'm uninterested or what. I've also encountered numerous times the "cool group" mentality, the "in crowd" gatekeeper type bullshit. I've never understood what it takes to be a part of that, wouldn't want to anyway. I have no idea! Sigh. So, I spend much time alone or with my wife and I'm OK with that.

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tc_cad@reddit

I only have one friend that I’ve kept since childhood. All my other friends I’ve met as an adult.

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ancientastronaut2@reddit

I feel this Op for sure.

School friends? Everyone kind of moved away and/or we were at different points as far as having kids/getting married so drifted apart.

Work friends? Close for a while, but gradually drifted apart after no longer working together.

Also: I have fibromyalgia and some other "invisible" health issues, which causes me to have to decline invites, sometimes last minute. After doing this a couple times, they think I'm a flake and don't bother inviting me to anything anymore. 😞

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pintofendlesssummer@reddit

I could have written this about myself. At late 50s I've accepted being alone ,if I fancy going out somewhere I'll go on my own. At first I struggled to make myself do other things outside work but realised no one else was going to invite me so just do it.

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xxMalVeauXxx@reddit

Look back on this to your childhood. Did you maintain the same friends through grade school and into high school? Did you have a super tight group in high school that stuck together after high school? Do you all live anywhere near each other? Still have similar interests that can be shared? Similar living situations?

Keeping a social adulthood outside of your home takes immense energy and effort as its time consuming, expensive, and takes away from... home.

I totally miss having a tight group. I've had a few really good tight groups from middle to high school and then after high school up through college years, but then, we all split as we went different directions, families. Then came the tight work friend group that became the tight group outside of work... until we all started moving and family stuff gets in the way and we're older. So then... no more tight friend groups. Talk with a few friends now and then, but nothing tight, we don't ride or die every weekend, we don't live near each other and follow the same interests closely. I've accepted that this is *my* normal, that I won't have a tight friend group with the same interests that we all live and breathe again. I imagine this is normal for most people and that it's only the falsehoods of social media and TV that there are these amazing tight friend groups that last for decades, live right near each other, have the same big interests that their whole family is a part of and centers around and all that. It's just not real. Maybe there are a few out there that have that, with 1 or 2 friends living near by and they all still do everything together well into middle age and beyond. But I doubt that's super common for everyone.

I have an aunt who's a boomer, she and her husband never had kids. They are wealthy from business and from not having kids. Their entire life is basically still night life, going out, hosting parties, going to hosted parties, etc. They have the same friends who also do the same thing. Big get togethers, meals, drinks, at big crazy houses. They live for it. But none of them have families, none of them have anything else going on. They focus on this. They buy houses next to each other on purpose or in areas with other friends so they can keep doing this.

I'm ok with my situation. I have my own family and kids. I don't see my siblings much. I don't see my one surviving parent much. I have a few work friends and we talk nearly daily on text, but we don't get together hardly ever, and I have literally zero childhood friends that I'm in contact with, nor any of my pre-middle aged life year friends either, other than a few group texts that we've shared for like 10+ years. But none of us get together as much or at all. I'm doing my own thing. I focus on my hobbies, myself, my family. I'm good with it. I do miss having a friend group, but then, how do you balance a super tight friend group doing things together all the time and then not doing that with your family? How do you do both? I don't know how to do that.

Some people are the center of a group, it revovles around them or one other key person. And then there are the outer ring people who are not central and they can come and go and it not matter much to the group. It's ok to be that person. No stress. No pressure to be or deliver anything.

And the very end all we have is ourself. Everyone can die or go away. There's always only you. Be ok with that.

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NvGable@reddit

Seems like the key is family. People with children don't really have as much time or energy for friends, because it is all going towards family. I wonder if the OP has children.

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Business_Coyote_5496@reddit

"Often, the group keeps hanging out together without me, so I know someone must be initiating the get-togethers. They just weren't inviting me." - that is odd.

One thing a group of about 16 of my friends and acquaintances has done is to start a group thread for activities. People will post - I'm going to see this play or concert or art exhibit or what have you - on this day, who wants to join me? And then people chime in. And sometimes we'll add dinner or drinks before or after.

Are you neurodiverse by any chance? Because your friend experience is something friends & family who are ND have experienced as well

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Jillredhanded@reddit

The Big Chill.

This is just a few of our gang that have stayed in close contact since graduating from HS in 1981. It's rare that so many of us are able to gather together at the same time, we're quite scattered. I expect more opportunities as we attend more each other's funerals.

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Apprehensive-Cat-421@reddit

I had few friends in high school and college, and none now. I just relocated to support my kid through college, and my work schedule doesn't allow discussing. I've been trying to look for a better job, but I'm getting nothing.

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RizzmwitTheTism@reddit

I also haven’t had friends since high school and only 1 back then. I was always excluded like that and still am. I’m recently diagnosed as autistic (in my 50’s). I think that’s why in my case. People always saw me as different because I was quiet and shy. They just gravitated toward other people that were extroverted and more like them.

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Old_Till2431@reddit

Never really had a big circle of friends. As a hs friend told me...even back then, you weren't a people person. Why change now? I am actually very ok with this.

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Ray_The_Engineer@reddit

I actually consider myself a loner, but somehow I've accumulated a number of friends on an individual basis. (Not like a consistent "group" of guys that hang out or anything.) It does take some work and proactivity to keep those friendships going at this point, since a number of them are hours away from me now.

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AnyPollution7221@reddit

i get what ur saying and yes you may be the problem

and also

people suck

and finding people in a place where your experiences are sauturated,

it may be you are overdue for a change of venue

i have experienced the same

and what i know is that i am a very likable person and funny and giving etc

but reciprocation would mean that they would have to be more deeply involved and authentic in a way that they cannot reciprocate

so yes it may be you but maybe for reasons you havent see yet

shine on crazy diamond. we aint dead yet

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Sea_Staff9963@reddit

I think there needs to be more contact than just occasionally hanging out to foster a friendship. I've found the people I text with frequently (at least twice a month) tend to reach out with invitations. I try to maintain my texting habits so I don't lose contact with my few friends.

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Living-Display-4541@reddit

I have a very small circle of friends… but they aren’t friends with one another. I’m horrible in group situations and become overwhelmed pretty quickly and easily. I found a long time ago that I made the most meaningful relationships one on one. From a crowd of “friends” I would choose one, find a common interest (sports, wine, crocheting, etc.) and then plan an outing with them away from the group. When you’re introverted, I think this is the only way to not get lost in the crowd and forgotten among more outgoing types of folks.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

You sound a lot like my wife. She really only has work friends. Luckily she has gotten fairly close to one of them but they are very different people besides work and pets. The big problem with doing much outside of work is this lady is ALWAYS broke. It is hard to go out and do things with people that don't cost money. My wife will pay for things once in a while but they she has the same feeling as you not really reciprocated. I said to her that it is more difficult when both are not on the same level but that shouldn't stop you from being friends you just need to find something you both can do for cheap or free.

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numsixof1@reddit

Most people will just sit around and do nothing unless you invite them out. I usually am the one to instigate group activities or parties or even group vacations.. it would be nice if others took initiative but sometimes you just gotta do it yourself. I'm OK being the organizer.. easy these days with group texts.

I just went to Japan with a big group of people including High School friends and somebody I met at Computer Camp in 1983 lol.