When your parents need something how is their attitude? Do they ask or just get all passive aggressive with hints?
Posted by -Granby-@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 52 comments
How does it work with your parents? When they needs something do they call you and ask you for it? I am asking because my mother does not do this. She will get all passive aggressive and drop hints that she want's or needs something and they get all bent if I don't jump on it.
It is extremely annoying.
Same for you?
sfdsquid@reddit
My father is who I go to for help. I can't recall him ever asking me for anything.
My mother, OTOH, is emotionally manipulative and has a feigned helplessness about her that's only getting worse. She refuses to learn anything just so she can ask for help.
She's carried a smart phone around for 15+ years and still doesn't know how to Google. She'd rather ask me to look up phone numbers.
When an email is required for something she gives them mine.
When her car broke down a few weeks ago she refused to call AAA herself - whined that she needed my help - could have gotten that tow truck on its way while waiting half an hour for me to get to her.
She brings her laundry to my house because she refuses to learn how to use the machines in her building.
When she says "do you need anything at Walmart?" it's code for "I need to pick up a prescription and I can't possibly do it without you."
Everything falls on me because my sister lives an hour away.
Why would anyone want to relinquish their independence earlier than necessary???
SassyCatLady442@reddit
My parents, when they were alive, would just flat out demand/inform me that I would be doing something or giving something. There was no discussion, just flat out I'm doing it. If I refused, the guilt trips and name calling started.
454_water@reddit
I always get the "I'm fine, I have always taken care of everything..." She did until she stopped.
Mom is not fine. People are working in the background to make sure she doesn't lose her house, etc.
She refuses any help that is offered and is offended when help is offered...
Confusion-Advanced@reddit
Yes.
Duran518@reddit
Always chooses to get passive aggressive.
1Steelghost1@reddit
I get 5 text messages and three phone calls. I missed a dinner recently after a work schedule mixup. The text was "dam good steak you missed out on, dumbass."
ShartlesAndJames@reddit
LayerNo3634@reddit
Hints. She will never ask, I have to volunteer. Then she will act like it's a terrible inconvenience for me, apologize, and insist I take $20 "for gas."
ShartlesAndJames@reddit
as a complete stranger to you both - that's kind of cute
Mental-Artist-6157@reddit
Mom still works, volunteers, travels, renovates her house. If she wants something she'll ask. She used to be a "hinter" but we got past that long ago. "MA, I'M TOO AUTISTIC, YA GOTTA JUST TELL ME ALREADY."
SalamanderTight5378@reddit
My Mom does the passive aggressive thing. I finally outright told her that I deal in absolutes - either ask me or don't, but don't do the "you must pick up the hint I'm putting down" thing.
warningproductunsafe@reddit
Both mine and my wifes parents have all passed on, been 20 years or more! 😛
LadyNorbert@reddit
That sounds frustrating. Fortunately, my mother knows that asking directly gets the best results.
Mushy-sweetroll@reddit
Hints. I’ve asked so many times for just a straightforward request.
Objective_Joke_5023@reddit
Mine are gone now, but I was both expected to read minds and to jump at any command. I was busy also raising their grandchildren and helping with my also-needy elderly inlaws. Dementia sucks, man.
SnuggleMoose44@reddit
I ask. I ask again. And again. Then I yell. And they ask me what my problem is. It’s so much fun.
VonGrippyGreen@reddit
My mom never asks me to fix something when it happens, or even reasonably soon. She just lets it piss her off more and more and more. And then when I check in with her, she unleashes about how the water pressure is low, or the window is stuck, and has been for several days.
If you told me when you noticed, I could have fixed it in 2 minutes. Toilet flapper jammed. But no, why avoid a ton of wear and tear on the well and the pressure tank, not to mention all the extra water in the septic tank, when you can just stew in anger instead?
Window stuck in the winter. Call or text me? Nope. Sit there for days and just get mad. Call to check in on her, she unleashes about how cold it is because the window. I go check it out. Pop the screen and find a little piece of tree bark blew underneath the mechanism. Fixed in less than five minutes. Do you call your son last weekend when it jammed up? Nope, stew in anger and be cold. And be sure to toss in some quiet guilt by wearing a winter jacket when I come fix it.
DarlingTreeWitch@reddit
Haha! My mom is the queen of passive aggressive “hints”. I do not and will not acknowledge that behavior, as I’ve stated since my teen years. She keeps on trying though.
strangedazey@reddit
Same. It's exhausting
Beneficial_Run9511@reddit
They ripped up a check I sent them
RainbowDarter@reddit
My mom calls and asks for help, like we're both normal people.
She know that I am willing to help when she needs help.
Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit
My parents rarely ask for anything. My in laws on the other hand, wear my wife out with constant needs and favors. She’ll be over there for hours doing whatever and when she comes home she’s on the phone with them as she’s walking in the door. Both on speaker phone. It’s a 20 minute drive and she just left from there. It’s insane.
Caliopebookworm@reddit
My parents don't ask me for much. I share my Amazon Kindle account with my Dad and if he wants a book, he straight out asks. I tell him he can use my Amazon account but he says that he doesn't want to make a mistake. My mom will not ask. She commands.
sabreene@reddit
My parents are still young acting, and seem to have less pain days and much more energy than me or any of my siblings. They also make more money than any of us, lol. They are in their 70s and still working, traveling, and always renovating their house.
So they don’t ask us kids for anything. But they often lecture and tell us what we should be doing, which is annoying in itself.
They will have a tough time of it, when they get to the point of needing help. We will probably have to force them into taking it.
blownout2657@reddit
They ask nicely. We operate like almost friends now. No guilt trips none of that.
ridingwithgsdtx@reddit
My parents just lie and try to do it themselves. It's endlessly frustrating. Walked in to check on them week,my 86 year old dad is on a ladder changing light bulbs. My son their 17 year old grandson goes to their house 4 days a week from school for lunch and We live 2 miles away. Mom's mobility is crap. She should use a walker and doesn't. I have asked them to pickup the rugs ECT all over there house and I get treated like I am asking them to commit murder.
doveinabottle@reddit
This is my mom and step-dad exactly. And my mother had a stroke and he’s had heart problems.
Phantom309_2@reddit
This sounds exactly like my grandmother.
BabadookOfEarl@reddit
They’re dead. If they ask for anything, I would do what it takes to keep them quiet.
WildmouseX@reddit
Like a 2 year old laying on the ground kicking and screaming for attention.
xjeanie@reddit
My parents have both passed but my husbands parents are both still with us. They are quite passive aggressive. Example being: my father in law expects me to go to dollar tree every single day to look for some cheapo butt wipe they like. I say like with sarcasm because they only like the $5 price. Well the store doesn’t have it very often. Yet I’m expected to go and check every single day for it. It’s driving me fucking crazy! Seriously 😐.
They do it with other things but this particular one makes me nuts. Just use whatever I buy which is quilted northern just an fyi. It’s not like they are paying. I am. Oh and the capt. crunch peanut butter cereal. 😩
Bob_12_Pack@reddit
Mom passed in 2014 at the age of 67. She never asked for much, she tried her best to not be a bother almost to a fault, so when she ask for something I did my best to comply. Dad was the same way, he passed in 2021 at 77. My FIL died young at 56 and was awesome, rarely asked for anything.
I could write a book on my mother-in-law. She's 80 and lives with us and is an invalid and is dependent on us for almost everything, meals, trips to the doctor, cleaning up her messes, etc. She will call her niece or siblings and whine about how she's getting no help, it's all lies. She's fucking nuts. She's a food hoarder, fine whatever, it's her money and maybe we'll need that stuff someday, but she recently ran across some boxes of Rice-A-Roni that she swears she didn't buy. She couldn't find the expiration date so she wanted us to find their phone number so she could call them. My wife finally found the date, they expired in 2020. She still swears she didn't buy them. My wife has been on a health kick and has lost 100 lbs and we both have been eating clean, making our own yogurt, etc. My MIL is taking credit for this saying that my wife got the idea from her because she eats smoothies (that my wife makes for her). The lady that has a freezer full of things like ice cream cakes and eats cookies and other garbage snacks, and is morbidly obese (she got mad at her doctor for writing that in her file) is taking credit for my wife's healthy lifestyle. I truly believe she's bipolar narcissist but any time a doctor has suggested any psychological issues she finds a new one. Now lets add a touch of dementia (which I sometimes think she is faking).
dcb1973@reddit
1000%
Independent_Tough_81@reddit
Ask, hint ? More like DEMAND ( and be grateful to be used and taken for granted ! )
IMTrick@reddit
Mine are both dead, but before that they were pretty great people and if they needed something from me -- which didn't happen often -- I was happy to do it.
numsixof1@reddit
My mom can be weird and passive I just ignore it.
My dad is a lot more straight forward which I appreciate. For example the very second it's time to change the air filter at the parents house buddy I know it.. and I'll get reminded of it constantly until it gets changed. The house isn't going to explore if the air filter has been in for 3 months and 5 days dad!
Piscivore_67@reddit
I'm afraid I'm the needy one in my family. My dad is 80 but he's a rock and my primary care giver, especially since my mobility just took another severe hit.
nobody_smart@reddit
I live a 45 minute drive away. While my sister and her family drive past my parents' house every day. My sister and her husband and teenagers are not very handy at, well, much of anything. While I can do most anything.
When Dad's health began to decline 10 years ago, they just started making a list of things for me to do on a whiteboard on the fridge. Before I visit on the weekend, I call to see what is on that list. Dad is gone, but Mom does a good job of keeping that list.
My sister's kids are teens now. They mow the lawn, vacuum, and do little jobs. I've tried to tell them how to other things for Mom but they don't want to learn. Seriously, any half grown teen can order furnace filters on Amazon with Grandma's credit card, but it doesn't get done.
Some credit to my sister though, she does Mom's grocery shopping and some laundry for her. If her 18 year old would get a license, we'd be able to get a bit more done for Mom.
PahzTakesPhotos@reddit
My parents are gone now, but if they ever needed something, they'd just ask. After Mom died, my dad downsized to a condo (they were already going to do that, he just went ahead and did it). Because of that, he got rid of a bunch of tools he wouldn't need. So he called me to ask to borrow my husband's nail gun. We ended the call with: "I'll be by in a couple of days to grab that" and I said: "Okay, I'll see you then."
That night I got a call from the ER.
But yeah, they'd just ask. Sometimes they would fake bribe me with "Oh, I baked too many cookies, while you're here to pick them up..." then I'd do the thing and bring home some cookies for the kids. My fees were reasonable, I think.
Lizbeth-73@reddit
Note, both my parents and my in-laws are gone. My parents were always happy to help if they could. But mostly they needed my help. Their health was not good. My In-Laws always ready to help, they would show up tools in hand! They could work too, so many things we would have never got done without them. They respected if we didn’t want help also. They were great. Sad they are gone now.
-Granby-@reddit (OP)
Mom mom is not opposed to helping with something. Money here and there maybe but the cost of that is constantly being reminded in a passive aggressive way that she helped.
Lizbeth-73@reddit
I know my husband says people always say he had the best parents. He did. They would never do that. They were always there to help, even his friends have stories about how they helped them.
CA-WN@reddit
"Mom, do you want me to do XYZ?" "I don't know.... You can if you want." 🙄 That's how she says yes please now and it drives me bonkers.
DeadManAle@reddit
My Mom died in 2024 at 70 years old. She never asked me for anything except my company. Dad if he wants or needs something he’s got no problem asking it’s great too cuz I don’t mind and I appreciate the directness.
Nightgasm@reddit
My mother is extreme passive aggressive. Especially as her memory is slipping. Last week she started texting me and my son her address over and over. She claimed it had been weeks since either of us have visited her or come to see her, it had actually been three days but if you point that out to her she gets snotty and even more passive aggressive. It also drives her crazy that she can't hold "my inheritance" overy head. She has millions in investments and I'm set to inherit 50% (my kids get the rest) and she is always making passive aggressive comments about cutting me or the kids out to which I just say "that's fine, I don't need it" because I actually don't as I've done well for myself.
-Granby-@reddit (OP)
Minus the money my mom is the same way. She get's shitty if you correct her or prove her wrong or don't agree with her.
CatelynsCorpse@reddit
My Mom HATES to ask for help and stuff, but no she does not do that. She just tells me she needs my help (thanksfully) and I help her.
No-Lock6921@reddit
My mom lives in another state near my brother, I don't get asked.
MaximumJones@reddit
They are both dead so they never ask for anything.
Sallydog24@reddit
My mom was 100% passive aggressive
ONROSREPUS@reddit
My mom and dad never asked for help ever. I have to offer it. My MIL will gilt trip the shit out of my wife. I won't let it happen. She is a super nice person 98% of the time but when she wants something guilt trip form hell.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
My late mother would ask nothing of me, with rare exceptions. But she had some kind of toxic, codependent relationship with my sister and would aggressively task her with things to do.
My wife's step-mom, who we now help out because everyone else has passed away, can be demanding, not "passive-aggressive", just aggressive, with my wife.