Adults who lost a parent young as a child, would you say you are ‘over it’ or does it still affect you?
Posted by Long_Wait_3078@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 181 comments
Lost my mum when I was 10. Soon to be 30 and it surprises me how much it still gets to me.
Of course as with everything gets easier with time. But it’s often hard to swallow seeing friends the same age and older with both parents and knowing you haven’t had a hug from your own mother in almost 20 years.
Looking back I think schools should make more of an effort for those who suffer immediate family bereavement, and one day I’d like to see some sort of support / counting offered for it by schools.
Would be interested to hear from anyone who has been through similar if anyone did want to share.
deadliftbear@reddit
My Dad died not long before I turned 8, I’m 49 now. I grieved for him last year for the first time.
In the 1980s the view was that children were resilient, and mental health basically wasn’t a thing. I had a couple of weeks off school then basically had to get back to “normal”, when that normal no longer existed.
Long story short, last year I got a PSTD diagnosis and started seeing a therapist. One day he asked me “how did it feel growing up not having someone to call Dad?”
I broke down in ugly tears. I sobbed. Not so much for the loss of the man, but for the loss of the opportunities. Never having my first legal pint with the old man. Not knowing if he’d have been proud of my achievements. All that stuff.
It took some processing, but over time I started to feel better, as I could give things context. This year, on his anniversary, there was a grey cloud over me – but I knew why, and the tears came. That bit felt like closure.
It’ll always be with me, I’ll always feel that loss. But now I can cope better. I hope you find that someday too.
Frodora@reddit
I was also 8 when we lost our dad. I am the same age as you.
Dad died of cancer but the family kept how ill he was from me. I felt the world collapsed around me the day he died.
Looking back now his death led to me being a very anxious child. I got angry easily. Now I know that there is only a fine line between anger and fear. From then on I hated surprises. I always wanted to know what was going to happen, and when.
Like you, I had no emotional support. The adults around us provided lots of practical help, and I knew even then they felt sorry for us. I didn't really grieve properly. Mum took me back to school two days after dad died. I don't think mum was being insensitive. She was suffering, too.
On bad days my heart still breaks for that little girl who lost her dad. I still have anxiety and it flares up when life gets stressful, but I am coping much better now.
deadliftbear@reddit
I hope you find peace. Seeing a therapist was the best thing I ever did, I was able to process the memories and give them context. It helped me to understand me.
Frodora@reddit
Thank you, and the same to you. I have had therapy and counselling through the years. It has been helpful, but I would be lying if I said it does not affect me at all now.
Because I was so young I have limited memories of dad. It saddens me that I never knew him as a whole person. But what has affected me is less about losing him but more about learning that life is uncertain. You can be blissfully happy and ignorant then wake up one day to total devastation. There is no turning back, and nothing can be done to make it better.
The OOP asked if one 'got over' the grieve - the answer (for me at least) is no. I have learned ways to cope with it better. It's a wound that never heals properly. It has been there so long that I sometimes forget it is there. The numbing pain is always in the background and has become my normal.
I want to assure OOP that it does get better, and life can be very good. It will never be the same, but it is what it is.
deadliftbear@reddit
Exactly that. I’ll never get over it, the event will always define my life. But I can cope better now, and that’s what matters.
revolut1onname@reddit
The grey cloud on the anniversary of my Mum's death was there until I decided to propose on the 20th anniversary of it, so that I had something to celebrate instead.
revolut1onname@reddit
I lost my Mum 30 years ago, I was 8. Finding it harder as I get older because she died at 45 and as I approach her age I worry more about dying suddenly. I didn't receive any support or counselling as a child because it was the 90s and sadly these things weren't in place yet. I went to the school she taught at before she died so wasn't much able to avoid reminders of her.
I went back a few years later for my work experience and would spend some time starting at her memorial bench.
It's hard to say how it affects me because it's been part of me for so long, but I know I'm "weird" when I recently was talking to someone who has just lost their Mum at the age of 66 (the daughter, not the Mum) and it amazed me that she got to have a parent for so long.
sjw_7@reddit
I was not a child but was in my late 20s which is still far too early.
It was over 20 years ago and still hurts now. One of the biggest things is that my wife and I were planning to have children and then my mum got sick. We put off trying until we knew how she was doing but unfortunately she only lasted a few months before dying.
We had our first child the following year. The bit that upsets me more than anything is our kids will never know her and she didn't get to be a grandparent to them. She would have made the most wonderful grandmother and they have missed out on something I had when I was a kid which was her mum who was incredible. Thankfully they don't know what they missed out on but it upsets me all these years later and I just hope if we have grandchildren we can be as good to them as mine were to me and my mum had hoped to be.
My wife's parents are oxygen thieves and my dad cleared off when I was one never to be seen again.
Fuck cancer.
DrH1983@reddit
My mom died when I was 8. I kinda feel it almost certainly had a large effect on me but I can't really say how exactly as I haven't got a benchmark to compare it to.
It's not something I often think about and it's hard for me to miss her because I can't really remember her, I genuinely wouldn't be able to say what sort of person she was. If I try to picture her face I actually think of a photograph of her (and even then I'm not sure how accurate that mental image is).
Actually visited her grave for the first time in decades (30 years at least) the other day, wasn't planning to but was visiting my dad and we took the dog for a walk; he wanted to check on the flowers. I didn't really feel anything seeing the grave.
I do wonder if her passing has given me a fairly unsentimental view of death, but again, hard to know as I can't compare how I'd feel had she been alive
Ok-Explanation1990@reddit
Lost my dad when I was 5. My memories begin just after he died; I have no memory of him. My mum never remarried.
I spent my entire childhood/teens/early twenties telling people it didn't affect me at all, because I have no memory of him. But if course, the older I get, the more I realise his death affected everything - and has shaped my whole life and personality since.
ktgft@reddit
Me too! I was 4 when my mum died and I just turned 30, the last few years have been harder than the whole 24/25 years after… I think being older now than my Mum ever got to be (she died at 25) is a weird and sad feeling
Ok-Explanation1990@reddit
There's a profound realisation of time, isn't there? For me, little moments when it strikes me hard just how young they were, and how old I am, and how long its been, and how much has been missing.
I'm sorry to hear it happened for you, too. Take care out there x
CheesecakeExpress@reddit
I lost my dad before I was 1. This sums up exactly how I feel (I’m in my 40’s). I’ve not met many people in a similar boat; I’m sorry you know this pain too.
Since becoming a parent I think about my dad more. He missed out on so much.
Ok-Explanation1990@reddit
I'm sorry to hear it. However, it's nice (is nice the right word?) to hear from someone else who knows how it feels and affects things, because it's really hard to explain.
Definitely the same for me - having children of my own was the point from which I reeally felt it.
rustysockets@reddit
God this rings so true. I lost my father just before my fifth birthday. My memory starts from the day he died. Have a great relationship with my 'stepdad'' who is basically the only father I can remember and I also thought I was 'fine'. but the loss of my bio dad at such a crucial age developmentally has almost become more challenging the older I get and like you has influenced so much. I am nearly 40.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it's comforting to know it isnt unusual.
Kim_catiko@reddit
This scares me so much. The thought of dying now when my son is still too young to remember me. I know he loves me very much so the thought of him forgetting all of that puts me in floods of tears.
Wide-Sprinkles3153@reddit
This terrifies me too. Had some health issues recently, nothing serious though waiting on some results. I'm so scared something will happen to me and I won't be around anymore for my children.
EdgeCityRed@reddit
Make video recordings for him now. I wish I had those for my dad.
Ok-Explanation1990@reddit
Yep, and when I finally had a son of my own, when I was a year older than my dad by ever lived to be, it reeeally hit home for me.
PrinceFan72@reddit
I'm 53 and lost my dad at 6. I still feel sad that I never got to ask him any father son type questions. Getting older and going through marriages, divorces, kids, I wish I could have asked his thoughts on life in general.
I grew up with a very odd view of him, mum talked like he was terrible (you're a liar just like your father) but nan (his mum) thought he was an angel. Typical of those left behind I guess but it would be nice to have seen the real him.
I suppose it feels like there's always been something missing and I got used to it, but it's always lurking there.
Ok-Explanation1990@reddit
". I still feel sad that I never got to ask him any father son type questions. Getting older and going through marriages, divorces, kids, I wish I could have asked his thoughts on life in general."
Similar age, similar story - and it's been exactly the same for me.
"I suppose it feels like there's always been something missing and I got used to it, but it's always lurking there."
Yep. Precisely. It's just this sad void that my inner self has always had to manoeuvre around slightly as I go through life.
Kittygrizzle1@reddit
My dad died when l was 4. In 62 now. I think about him every day. I have very few memories of him, but k wonder what he was like
We never talked about him as my mum would get too upset. I know virtually nothing about him.
I do know he made me a sandpit and a little rock gatfen. I can remember those. But not much else.
I found it harder as l got older I’d see kids with their dads and wonder what it was like.
The loss grew rather than shrank. It shaped my whole world. My reaction to other people, my personality. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety all my life.
I remember as a young adult in the 90’s l worked with two other women whose father’s died when they were young. We could all sort of detect each other out. We all were ‘frail’ emotionally.
TytoCwtch@reddit
I was 19 when I lost my mum and I turn 40 this year. She was amazing and it hurt so much to lose her. She collapsed at work on a Thursday and died the following Tuesday from an undetected brain tumour. My father was an abusive monster who kicked me out after her funeral and left me homeless. My younger sisters were offered counselling through their schools but I was alone.
Most days are fine but I still have times when it suddenly hits me. Things like when I want life advice, to tell her an accomplishment, or see a show I know she would have liked etc. I know I probably need therapy but my father was trained as a counsellor and used therapy techniques as part of his abuse so every time I’ve tried therapy I get really bad flashbacks. I’m surviving but I’m definitely not over it.
cosmicgal200000@reddit
I lost my mum at 20 through similar circumstances, felt unwell and went for a nap and never woke up. Undetected brain aneurysm. My dad had already passed away when I was a kid and my mums partner at the time of her death was nice to begin with and then took our house and everything we owned and cut me and my brother out of his life so I was on my own. Never had counselling at the time and there isn’t a day goes by I don’t think about it 18 years later. Its that age where you just fall through the cracks I think, old enough to technically be an adult but so young, I didn’t know how to handle it and the financial mess that we ended up in
Loose_Avocado4670@reddit
I don't know what else to say other than I'm so sorry for your loss.
Weewoes@reddit
Damn.. how did he use therapy as an abuse tactic?
TheBlueDinosaur06@reddit
Some things you don't ask mate
Weewoes@reddit
You know what, thats fair. Sometimes I dont think and just ask without engaging my brain.
I_say_cheerio@reddit
Just to think that monster is still out there potentially offering his 'help' to others makes me sad
ascension2121@reddit
I’m so sorry, this sounds awful with your dad too. I’m a few years out from losing my Dad and I’m having this insane depression hit every time I have a good life event, because I can’t talk to him. It’s awful, I feel the high (I got the job or I got into the university I wanted) and then I just crash and I feel miserable for like two weeks because I just want to talk to him so bad. Do you have any advice on coping? I feel like I can cope the rest of the time, it’s just when big life events happen/ anniversaries that I crash
Defiant-Tackle-0728@reddit
Sounds like my history....
TytoCwtch@reddit
I’m sorry you had to go through it as well. I hope you’re doing ok now?
Defiant-Tackle-0728@reddit
Swings and Roundaboits. Some days are harder than others.
I look at other families and wonder given all the crap that happened before
purpleduckduckgoose@reddit
I lost my mum the same way. It's terrifying how sudden it can happen isn't it.
Fuck cancer.
TytoCwtch@reddit
It’s horrible. I was so paranoid for a couple of years whenever my sisters went anywhere that they wouldn’t come back. I was texting them every 5 minutes checking they were ok. I’m sorry about your mum and most definitely fuck cancer.
CellistLow8857@reddit
Oh man that’s so brutal I’m so sorry you went through all that. And your dad, that’s unreal, and to use therapy techniques as part of the abuse 😢 I totally understand why this has made you seeking help so difficult. Fuck that guy.
BiscuitCrumbsInBed@reddit
My dad died when I was 11, im 42 now. The things I miss and feel sad about - he never met my son, I dont remember his voice/smell/touch. I dont have any memories really now. I wish I could ask him what he thinks about xyz.
It was the anniversary of his death a few weeks ago and it feels kind of surreal that hes been dead for so long. Im the age he was when he died and its no age at all. I wonder how he felt, knowing about all of the things he would miss out on. That must have hurt so much.
Kapika96@reddit
I'll never get over it. It was easily the most life changing event I've ever experienced. I'll always wonder how things would've been different if they hadn't died. I'll always be a bit envious when I see people with both of their parents. And I'll always cry whenever a kid loses a parent on TV or in a movie.
Scatterheart61@reddit
Not as a child, so feel free to disregard my reply. But I lost both parents fairly young, and years later I still hurt every day. I've always felt sort of lost since, even as an adult with my own family, house, work, life etc. I feel a bit like a boat who's anchor got ripped away, and who's crew disappeared suddenly. Like a ghost ship maybe, bobbing around the ocean being battered by waves and trying to hold it all together.
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose parents as a child, and I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.
A friend of mine has a child in primary school, and her ex husband passed away. I don't know if this is different because the child didn't see her dad regularly, but she hasn't been offered any additional support in school, they have just told the staff and students to be kind and mindful of what they say around her. My friend has been paying for private counselling.
I feel like a child having a parent die should warrant some kind of specialist support and intervention. I struggle with the fact all of my friends still have their parents, and I'm an adult who can access therapy, support groups, literature etc independently. I would imagine it would be quite isolating as a child to have that experience, with nobody around you to relate to, no friends that have experienced anything similar etc. I think they would especially need support with processing their emotions because some of the emotions we experience when grieving can be unexpected - anger, resentment, fear, jealousy etc - not just sadness. And that could be extremely hard for a child to understand and cope with
thehoneybadger1223@reddit
This isn't me, but a lady I know, she's 87 this July. She was talking with me about her parents, she lost her mother when she was 9. She told me she still gets the only photograph she has of her mother out and looks at it because she likes to remember her face. At her age, she still misses and thinks of her mama 75 years after she passed away.
I feel like this is something that you never quite get over, it's just something you have to live with, and learn to manoeuvre around. She told me she became the mother she wanted, she tried her best to fill in those gaps that she missed as a girl to her kids
Kim_catiko@reddit
Oh my, that is so unbelievably sad.
thehoneybadger1223@reddit
She's such a kind woman, in the photo her mama blinked, she says she wishes she had one with her eyes open. She herself has the most beautiful blue eyes. If her mother was anything like she is, the world definitely lost something great when it lost her.
Kim_catiko@reddit
She if she will let you post a photo of the picture to the photoshop sub. They are really good with their edits.
kotorinico@reddit
lost my dad at 18, i get sad that i was still just a bit of an angsty little teenager and he never saw me become a p cool person, and on top of grieving for him and the absence of him in my life, I grieve a lot for the person I could have been had I not lost him Double whammy that I lost my mum at 27 too, it’s very difficult knowing I’m on my own, no safety net, no one to fall back on and I miss the feeling of knowing I had that unconditional love on my side
I feel like it affects me in every way possible, if only very slightly, and I feel pretty estranged from near on everyone as I don’t really know anyone that’s lost one parent, let alone both, especially at my age
easyjo@reddit
I lost my mum to suicide when I was 17, she had been sectioned numerous times from the time I was 13-17.. I feel like I lost a reasonable slice of my youth due to stints of mental health related drama, I didn't receive any support really from school (though I didn't actively pursue it either). That was just over 20yrs ago and I'm not fully over it. I lied about "what do your parents do" and that kind of thing to avoid even talking or mentioning it for years and years..
hungryforfood45@reddit
10 lost my dad he just dropped dead 26 know still fucks with me and my siblings.
Overall_Dream_3195@reddit
Lost my Dad when I was 11. I’m now 40 and it still affects me. I think of him every day. Most of the time it’s recalling a happy memory or seeing something he liked but there’s always a twinge of sadness there at the same time that comes over me because I didn’t get to make more memories with him or get to know more about him as we both aged. I try not to see it as a bad thing though, I see it as I was very lucky to have a Dad that was so wonderful and loving that nearly 30 years later I miss him just as much. I can’t remember his voice anymore but I can still remember his laugh and it always makes me smile when I think about that. I know we all think it but I really did have the best Dad in the world. Sending you love, it’s tough to lose a parent so young and we are often overlooked during the period after when everyone else is grieving too 💗
suture-me@reddit
9 days before my 9 birthday. Had a massive impact on us/me. I rarely see my siblings or dad. She was what made us a family. I miss her Dearly, and during a traumatic birth I called out for her in my distress. 30 years later, she was all I wanted in that moment.
beepickle@reddit
I was 18 when my Dad died in front of me mid sentence out of nowhere. I think the unfairness always hits me even after 15 years. As time goes on it's almost like his absence becomes louder because of the things he's missing out on with us, the events he should be here for and isn't. The time that he was here for get further away in my mind as each year passes and that makes me sad too. I never want to feel like I'm forgetting.
He would have turned 69 today.
blueheart86cat@reddit
I lost my mum when I was 14 and my Dad at 17. It completely shattered me and still to this day I just feel so devastated. Solidarity to others ,who know the pain of missing out so many log life’s milestones without their parents .
Far-Birthday-3589@reddit
I lost my dad when I was 4 & I am now about to turn 26 and it still affects me a lot. I have some lasting anxiety and still think about him almost daily.
I have a very close relationship with my mum and don’t feel as though I went without as she is such a strong woman and my uncle stepped up to make sure we still had the fun and silliness my dad brought, but I’d be lying if I said it no longer hurt.
I had counselling at the time & since but resented it and don’t feel it was helpful, it just taught me to say the right things so I could get out of it.
I know it’s probably silly but I love seeing signs and like to think it’s him telling me he’s ok, usually robins, white feathers or his favourite songs on the radio (particularly as I very rarely listen to the radio). I’ve met an amazing man who respects my very apparent lack of gender norms and accepts that I’m used to carrying heavy things, doing DIY and being determined with my career but we have recently booked our wedding and I plan to have my mum walk me down the aisle but it doesn’t stop me from wondering, why me? What did I do so wrong at 4 years old to lose my dad & watch everyone around me still have theirs?
cappuccinolover90@reddit
I lost my dad at 5, I'm 33 now. I completely agree on how unfair it feels, like we were robbed. We didn't do anything wrong lovely, we have been dealt a very unlucky hand. I'm getting married next year and unsure what to do about walking down the aisle.
cappuccinolover90@reddit
My dad died when I was 5. It actually hurts more as I get older, all the milestones missed. I'm getting married next year and I am heartbroken I didn't get to know him and he won't be there.
With bereavement there is no such thing as "getting over it" - grief lessens and you cope with it.
abyssal-isopod86@reddit
My sister lost her father to suicide when she was 7, she will be 33 this year.
I asked her this question (I explained I was going to type her response her and she consent led to that).
Her response is that she indifferent to it now. Her father showed her that he didn't value her enough to live, that she wasn't good enough to stay alive, it is the ultimate betrayal to her.
It upset when she was a child but now that she's an adult, has been suicidal herself and found out more about what her father was actually like, she went through many years of being angry at and even hating her father and is now indifferent and doesn't care.
Happy_Department8033@reddit
I lost my dad when I was 14, a long time has passed since then and I wouldn’t say I’m over it, but it’s definitely not as difficult as it was for the first 1-5 years. It’s not something that really affects me now, but I would 100% say that it’s shaped who I am. I think I would be an entirely different person if I hadn’t experienced that loss, in probably a good way and a bad way.
I think what I deal with now is the fallout of not dealing with it way back when it happened. I still miss my dad, my life is just so different now that I’m used to his not being there, which is a sad thought.
Trash_Panda_Leaves@reddit
For my mum, it affected her mostly till the day her other parent died. It still affects her now, but 31 years it was her core grief. I imagine if I asked her she'd say it still hurts now, 43 years later.
Fehnder@reddit
Not remotely what you asked, however I lost my dad when I was 31. He was 57. It was unexpected, and to this day, I still feel like his death ruined my life. It’s very hard to carry on.
I should add for context, when I was 24, my 5 week old son died suddenly from cancer. Again unexpectedly. While there was a huge element of physical grief that made me physically ill, I’ve found losing my dad harder mentally.
If you have a good parent, I don’t think it ever leaves you.
Mr_Unbreakable_@reddit
Over it
Individual-Gur-7292@reddit
I lost my mum when I was a teenager and I am now close to turning the same age as she was when she died. It still affects me, probably more than I even realise. It is just so utterly sad and unfair that she missed out on so much. She was a wonderful mum and would have been the best grandma to her grandchildren but she never got to meet them.
I also mourn not being able to know my mum as an adult - my memories of her are all from the perspective of being a child. I would also do anything to get a few minutes for a hug and to hopefully hear that I have not let her down and she is happy with how I turned out.
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
My dad would have been the best grandad. He was a horribly flawed human, but I feel like it he'd held on for another 6 years he would have met his first grandchild and that would have helped him fix himself. Probably a ridiculous thing to think, to be honest.
My mum knew my daughter for 4 years and was absolutely in love with her. My daughter is now a beautiful and incredible 15 year old, and I often look at her and feel sad because my mum would have thought she was the best human in the world. She'd be at proud. (Now I'm crying a bit)
yusranlo@reddit
It's really sweet reading this. Also very sad. For what it's worth from an internet stranger, I'm really sorry for your losses. Your thoughts on your father are not ridiculous at all, they're quite beautiful. It happens a lot for people who become grandparents. The relationship they build with their grandkids is often special.
Fiercequeen@reddit
I could've written this myself, word for word. After I had children I had to grief the aspect of my mum never meeting them and me never having her support. Damn, I don't know even know how I was as a baby, whether I slept well, was breastfed, I never had adult conversations with her.
Lettuce1939@reddit
I just wrote almost exactly the same ..
and wanting adult memories..
My partner takes his mum and dad out and I think he’s so blessed ❤️❤️
Barmcake@reddit
My dad when I was 5. I have only a few very hazy memories of him. Cant say whether or not I missed him as I was v young.
sneakycheeseplease@reddit
Lost my dad suddenly at 11, nearly 12. My mum got diagnosed with a brain tumour a little under a year later, had it operated on the had 4 different types of cancers in the next 5 years before her brain tumour returned aggressively when I was 16 nearly 17, passed away 6 months later. It fucked me up massively, I was a very promising student at school and chucked all that in the bin, rebelled hugely and very unfairly to my mum who was an absolute trooper and worked through chemo and all kinds of shit. Im still dealing with huge amounts of grief mixed with a lot of guilt. Im in a shit dead job and an alcoholic. Life feels fucked tbh.
Fiercequeen@reddit
I lost my parents at a similar age and the same happened to me with regards to my studies, my bright future was over. I had no power to carry on studying, all I wanted was to numb myself to forget all the sadness. I did eventually went to therapy and did esmr, I'm still in a shit job but I don't have a drinking addiction, I can cope with most things, I'm happy most of the time now, but I'm scared to shit I'll lose everything again (there's the downside).. big hugs
SignificantDelay2228@reddit
I turned 6 a week before my dad died. As of last week, I'm now the age (41) he was when he died - and I have a son who is the age I was (6) when it happened. To say its been a strange year is an understatement.
He died of a brain tumour and the sequence of events that led to it is like the lyrics to a bad parody of a Craig David song...he had a bad headache on Friday, went into hospital on Saturday, was dead by Sunday.
One of the possible indicators I've never really gotten over it is that I still struggle to verbalise what it's been like. At the start I acted like it wasn't a big deal. I went into school the next day after it happened because I didn't want to be at home with everyone being miserable and my friends didn't believe it'd happened until the class had a talk explaining what had happened without me present.
In my teenage years I was angry - as the son of a now dead church minister I was angry at God, angry that He'd allowed it to happen. Angry, but not disbelieving. Would I say I'm still angry now? Not really. If anything I'm more tired. Like many people, it's felt I've lived a couple of decades in the last 6 years.
I've gone from thinking about dad a lot - trying to recall memories, but only having what feel like a series of snapshots - still frames, no videos playing in my mind. The time I wanted to climb on his lap as he worked in his office but he was too busy to hold me. The times when he did have time. Time to play sleeping giants on the floor when I'd usually unsuccessfully attempt to climb over him without stirring him. I can't hear his voice. I can't will his image into movement. I can picture his coffin, to heavy to be carried into the church, so wheeled instead. I remember being in the funeral parlour, reaching out to touch him and the feeling, like marble, of lifeless skin and the thought that that's not him, he's not in there anymore.
As I said, the last few years have been tiring. COVID, children, miscarriages, signs of ageing, aches, joints, heart complaints. Work highs and lows, family life. Diagnoses of diversities. Lots to think about. A sense of slowing. Like the world's slowing down outside and speeding up inside. A cyclical feeling of not doing enough, not making the most of my time here. Wondering. Is it me. Is it delayed trauma? Neurodiversity? Apathy, the repeated refrain of the angry teen, alone in his room, drowning out the pain with the volume of my music, lying on bed shouting I don't care, I won't try anymore. I don't know, but I just know I'm tired. But I've got my children to think of and a desire to be present while I'm here. To not leave them absent of a father in a different way. Able to help them, to be there for them in a way I've not known myself.
So, on reflection, I'd say it had effected me. It's both changed the course of my life but also just been what I've known. But now I'm older than my dad was when he died there's an odd feeling of being at peace with it. Finally being able to let go of the sense of I need him to tell me how to be a man or a dad or just how to get through life. I've made it this far. I'll keep going and see where life takes me.
Independent-Media511@reddit
lost my mum at age 6 and i always wonder how different i would have turned out esp when i hear of people with both parents thriving - makes me so sad to know i cant go to her for advice, i had to learn a lot of “common sense” things as my dad although present wasnt the best at teaching me
annonn9984@reddit
My mother ran away when I was 15, came back after a year, then topped herself a year after that. No prior warning.
It doesn't affect me now, but it took a (very important academically), 5 years to find myself. I'm older than she was now, and finally on my way to a degree.
I just look back and feel sorry for that kid, almost like it wasn't even me, just some poor teen.
I suppose I have the occasional pang of sadness when I see another person in a similar situation, whether irl or fictional, likely just compassion, though.
Halloween-Jester@reddit
Lost my dad to cancer a little over a week after I turned 16
Last time he was at home and the first time I saw him after he became ill was on my birthday, and he didn't look anything like he used to
10 years later, life is pretty normal. Don't like my birthdays anymore though
AmayaSmith96@reddit
I lost my dad when I was 21 (9 years ago) I know that's not exactly a child but I'd class it as "young". I think about him everyday but more so now as I have 2 kids. It makes me sad that he doesn't know me as a mum.
Just before he died I was still a uni student who definitely asked for money more times than I should and was undeniably immature. My head was in the clouds and i just spent my time messing around really. I've just changed so much in these past 9 years and it's just upsetting that he doesn't know me now as an adult.
squirrelwhatsquirrel@reddit
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1dxp9951pko
Grief, loss and bereavement to be added to the UK school curriculum from September 2026
CheesecakeExpress@reddit
My dad died when I was a baby. For most of my life I thought it didn’t impact me. Then I got to older than him, and became a parent and I just feel such a deep loss for myself and sadness for him. It’s weird grieving somebody you don’t know. It’s also weird not knowing half of myself or my history (I don’t know my dad’s family).
Speaking of schools, I hate that every year at school I had to sit there while everyone made Father’s Day cards. I don’t know why my teachers weren’t more sensitive.
BatteryAt14percent@reddit
I was 18 when I lost my dad and I'm now 40. I'm kind of over it but milestones hit hard. He wasn't there when I got my A level results or when I got into uni. I wish he'd met my husband, they are/were computer nerds so would've got on great. When I got married I wished my dad was there. When we were buying our house I wanted my dad's advice. We went to a friend's wedding recently and they had a father daughter dance. I had to excuse myself to cry my eyes out in the toilets because I never got that.
pixelunicorns@reddit
Not me, but my MIL. She lost both her parents before she was an adult and it still affects her now she's in her 70s. She shares fond memories and it's clear she thinks of them a lot from time to time. She once told me after my friend passed away that we don't get over a loss, we just get used to their absence.
Sensitive-Talk7809@reddit
I lost my dad aged 12 and my mum aged 22. Both suddenly. I’m now aged 34.
The best way to describe it is like a dull ache, always there in the background but not all consuming. Every now and then the grief can take your breath away… weddings, births, family events that they should be here for. It’s especially hard when going through hard/traumatic life events and wishing so badly I could lean on them, especially my mum for support. The ache and longing for her never really goes away. It’s the feeling of never being able to go home again.
But 80% of the time it’s manageable and life goes on, there is so much joy and happiness that coincides with the grief of them not being here anymore. It definitely changes your perspective on life, never sweating the small stuff and being greatfull for all the good that is around you.
Flavourifshrrp@reddit
I apologise if people think I am high jacking this post but it is somthing I think about now and again.
My parents were both lovely, but they had me later in life. My brothers are 18 and 16 years older than me to give some idea as to how old.
When I was 20 give or take my dad started to go down hill rapidly from where he had been and at my age of 28 he passed away in hopstial.
I remember while it was happening reciting a friend about it and we both had a mutual friend who had been brought up by her mum and her dad wanted nothing to do with her (she’s a lovely girl and I know nothing about him)
But I always thought how it’s easier for her when he dies as there’s little connection but you have missed out on the love and instruction that a good parent gives you.
I realise that some of you would of lost people ealier than I did and needed them more than I did, but I agree that life isn’t fair and I also think that the small time they had with you made you the person that you are and that is to be commended.
Beautiful-Vehicle-67@reddit
I was 13 when my mum died and I’m 34 now. I don’t miss her because I’ve lived nearly double the years I had with her and to be honest I got used to it years ago … but I suppose I miss the benefits of a having mum, like talking and shopping together etc. I have my own kids now and it’s a shame they don’t have a grandma- I do feel sad that she missed out on that and so have they. I think the fact I don’t miss her is a trauma response to be honest, but it’s just the way I deal with it
CalligrapherExtreme8@reddit
I was 13 days shy of 8. I'm 40 now. I miss my daddy.
dandelion_ess@reddit
I lost my dad very suddenly when I was 9. I’m 30 now, and the pain still comes back in waves more often than people might expect. I do think a lot of my mental health struggles come from having very little support at the time, so I agree that schools should offer counselling.
My mum was in a really bad place for years afterwards, and her boyfriend was horrible and abusive. I did terribly in my exams because I was so depressed - I stopped caring about anything or seeing friends and became extremely reclusive - and it’s had a lasting impact on my life.
Only recently do I feel like I’m starting to build something more stable for myself, but I still feel behind compared to other people my age. I struggle with dissociation, and I go through phases of panic attacks at night. Losing him definitely made me grow up too quickly and become very independent, which can feel quite lonely.
I’ve thought about therapy, but the waiting lists are so long unless you go private, which I can’t afford. I also worry it might pull me backwards, digging everything up again, when I feel like I should be putting that energy into building a better future.
VardaElentari86@reddit
I know what you mean about the thought of therapy now being quite terrifying. I know it's affected my whole life, but I'm not sure it benefits me to unpick it and dig it up now at nearly 40.
dandelion_ess@reddit
Exactly, I think unless you had a really good therapist it could do more damage than good. Better to live in the present and make the best of what you have in my opinion.
Cheese-n-Opinion@reddit
I lost my parents when I was in my late teens. That was over fifteen years ago now.
In one sense I am 'over it' in that I don't really actively miss them any more. If I think about them now it is just happy memories and really very little pain of loss. I'd have to deliberately mull over how tragic it all was to feel really sad.
But on the other hand, having that loss at such a formative time definitely left scars, along with bitterness at how the ripple effects of all that completely derailed my life plans. I have ongoing issues with my mental health that aren't obviously based in grief, but I'd be surprised if the loss wasn't a big contributing factor.
Cynrae@reddit
My dad died when I was 14. Mum didn't take his diagnosis well and kind of broke down mentally, leaving me to take on the majority of dad's care in his last few weeks as well as looking after my 7-year-old sister. I only had 3 days off school after he died, then it was 'back to normal' as if nothing had happened - no counselling or support offered.
I'm 31 now, and it doesn't obviously affect me - I don't feel any pangs of sadness or anything any more. But that being said, I think it did have a lasting impact in a more insidious way. I think it seeded the notion that my feelings don't matter, that other people need me to step up without complaint, I'm not allowed to be upset. I've lost others close to me in the years since, and the dynamic's always been the same - I've been unable to properly grieve because others are relying on me. My mum died a few months ago, and near the end she specifically asked me to stay with her overnight because, in her words, "It'd be too traumatising for your sister to find I've died in the night, but I know it wouldn't bother you"
VardaElentari86@reddit
So relating to the back at school as if nothing happened (and of course most of your friends at that age have no idea how to help) and feeling like you can't be upset (well my dad still encourages that feeling now, like don't be bothered that someone's died)
VardaElentari86@reddit
My mum died when I was 12 - nearly 30 years on i still don't think I'm quite fully over it. My family is not very emotionally open and it felt very much expected just to get on with it, amongst various other things.
WairyFings4@reddit
It's woven into my soul and how I've lived my life since he passed away from cancer when I was 11. I am now in my 30s and some days I think deeply about what happened and what could've been and some days I don't and this is OK, I'll never forget him.
Lyrakish@reddit
I didn't lose my dad as a child, it's only been 5 years. But it feels so sad that he's missing so many life events and experiences that I want him to see me go through. I often text his old number to tell him how awesome things are. Or I'll post on my FB and tell him what I did in a new country, how my job is.
It's the new things they won't see that hurts.
is76@reddit
Lost my mum at 9 , now 49. So 40 years later
Back in the day - nobody discussed bereavement with me. She died suddenly and was just gone. So over the years it comes up in different situations. In my 40s I had therapy which was good.
Big effect on my life sure
ajslov@reddit
I lost my mother when I was 15, 20 years ago and I think of her daily. She was my angel and I truly miss her not being here, never got to the stage of getting advice from her as an adult, she would have kept our family close.
U9365@reddit
Lost mum as a teenager - in my 60's now
All the photos of me growing up cease at the point she got ill (cancer). I became very independent, solitary, and self sufficient.
m4ddie193@reddit
Not over it at all. I still cry most days. Sometimes I feel suicidal because I can’t live without him. A few years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD by a psychiatrist and then ‘abnormal grief reaction’ by a different psychiatrist. I would say I’ve never really moved out of the ‘acute’ phase of grief. Currently awaiting trauma therapy to address it.
Geezer-McGeezer@reddit
15 when I lost my mum, her funeral was on my 16th birthday. Took me years to get over that, wasnt until I was in my 50's that I really came to terms with it.
Overthinker-dreamer@reddit
I was 3 when my mum died and I am in my 30's now. It's hard cos my mum never got to meet my son. And at groups other mums talk about the support they have from their own mothers.
I don’t think I ever truly get over it. I just learnt to live with it.
I remember being 16 and getting my GCSE results. I got mostly c's which meant I could do the course I wanted at college. I was really proud of myself. I got to the top of my road wanting to show my dad - then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mum wouldn't see this, then I thought about everything she didn't get to see like first day a school, learning to read ect. I went to my room to cry and lay on my bed for a few hours.
D4NSB@reddit
I lost my dad at 12, and it always has and always will affect me. Even my happiest moments and greatest accomplishments are emotional because my dad isn’t there to witness them. My dad will never meet my wife, son, dog, visit my home, taste my cooking, or see the man that I have become, thanks to him.
WhiteBunny94@reddit
I lost my mum when I was 11, I’ll be 32 this year. It comes and goes in its intensity, there was a period in my mid to late 20s when I thought I was doing really well, but then I got married and it all hit like a tonne of bricks again. Her not being able to come dress shopping with me, not being able to share any of it with her. I feel like I need to have every scrap of information about her, every photo, because that’s all I have and I need to keep her alive in my memory.
PKoala@reddit
Alcoholic father, kicked out of the house when I was around 9-10, passed when I was 16, I'm in my late 30's now. Curse him out some days, wish I could have a drink with him others. Wouldn't say it shapes my day to day but it never leaves the background noise, fuckin prick
Warm-Reference-4965@reddit
My father died when I was 2, I have no memory of him really apart from a couple of snapshot stills in my head. My mother never had another relationship so there was no father figure.
I was always quite resilient, you can't miss what you never had....
My behaviour tells a different story. Left school, fell into the arms of a much older man who inevitably broke my heart. I've probably had older man issues my whole life although have had a healthy long term relationship with a man my age. I'm now menopausal and currently in a situationship with a man considerably older than me. I've also been prone to limerence my whole life.
So yes I'd say it affected me quite profoundly!
woofbarkmiaow@reddit
My Dad died when I was a toddler so I had no memories of him, just a feeling of something missing in my life. Really really lucky to have had a step dad growing up who stepped into that place, then sadly he died a few years ago. It’s a strange feeling to be mourning the same part of your life, albeit in two people.
_roaster_@reddit
I was 8 when my mum died and I'm in my early 40s now, 5+ years older than she was when she died. I'm definitely not over it, not sure I ever will be. It's just something that's part of who I am now I think - you just accommodate it.
She was an absent presence in my life growing up, and she's still the same now - just a big void that's always there. I'm fairly happy now, with kids of my own, but it never goes away. It's like this parallel reality that you both do and don't want - do because my life until I was about 25 wouldn't have been absolute shit, and don't because then I wouldn't have met my wife and had my kids as they are
Hedgehog131313@reddit
Lost my mum at 16, stage 4 brain cancer! It went completely undetected for years, then boom. Found, diagnosed and within 18 months she was gone. I was 14 when she was diagnosed. 29 now with two kids of my own.
Definitely not over it, definitely still affects me but in ways I didnt expect. On the day to day, I'm absolutely fine. I can talk about it, think about it etc with no issues at all. It's life events that get me!
Moving out, buying my house, having my kids.. all I wanted was my mum, unfortunately with my son (9) I nearly died in labour, I was so young and scared. With my daughter (1) I had preeclampsia so another not so great experience. Again, just wanted my mum. ☹️
Times like these.. fuck me, I want my mum back.
Old_Use_3149@reddit
My mum died when I was 16 from breast cancer and I am getting married in a couple of months. I have missed her a lot over this time. I don’t think I was quite right in myself for about 5-6 years after she died. Even now, I definitely have trauma - I’m a very anxious person and I try to control everything. When I’m having a tough time, I crave the security and comfort that only your mum can make you feel. I’ve learnt to live without her and I’m very close with my dad. It’ll never leave me though, just sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s worse
themysterytapir@reddit
I was 10 and I'm 38 this year. I always felt the loss of her differently at different stages of life. Like when I got married, there was no mother of the bride, just my witch of a step mum.
Now, I am facing some health issues that scare me and I feel like there is no one I can turn to. My older sister died of cancer at the same age as my mum died of cancer so as I get closer to that age I am really feeling it.
Mysterious-Snow1414@reddit
I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you're doing okay. Can I ask what cancer?
themysterytapir@reddit
Mum had cervical cancer that was treated, then had secondary lung cancer about 4 years later that couldn't be treated.
My sister had secondary brain cancer that was of an unknown primary.
Longest_boat@reddit
I was 8, I’m also turning 30 this year. It fucked me up for a long time. In my late teens and early twenties I turned to hard drug use. I’m 7 years sober now my wife is my rock and my kids keep me grounded. I struggle at random times. I don’t think about it daily. I may be sat putting the Christmas tree up and think of mum or her favourite song (waterboys whole of the moon) starts playing and It fucks me up. My mum also died in a fast and unprepared way, I never got to say my goodbyes. I don’t think it’s something you ever ‘get over’ but something that you learn to cope with better than it blindsided you on a random Saturday
h00dman@reddit
I was 19 when my father died, but he was an alcoholic so I never really got to know him as I entered my teenage years.
Sometimes I miss him. I'm not angry anymore, for all his flaws and mistakes he was still my dad, and I know he loved me.
Unfortunately he wasn't able to stop himself from drinking, and as a result he's missed out on seeing his kids grow up, and all the other memories that have been made since he passed.
Wise_Hedgehog_9@reddit
I was 17 when I lost my mum 6 weeks after a cancer diagnosis, in my 30s now. The thing I find difficult is that I never had an adult relationship with her - so I don't really know how to miss her. I think I might have made some quite different life choices had she still been alive because we were very close and I probably wouldn't have wanted to move far away from her. So it's difficult to picture what life would have been like if she'd still been here.
My relationships with other people would probably have been very different too - in particular, I became very close to my grandma after mum died and it's hard to imagine a world in which we weren't inseparable. In many ways I miss my grandma more than my mum, because I was an adult when she died and I know how she'd have fit into my life now.
LadyMirkwood@reddit
I'm 44, I lost my dad when I was four.
For the longest time, I felt life had cheated me. I always felt different to other kids, no-one would talk to me about him and being a kid I'd be honest about it, until other adults told me it made people uncomfortable.
So I mourned the life none of us got to live. Me as a kid with both parents, who my mum might have been had she not been widowed in her early 20s, and of course my dad, my kind, gentle dad who should have got to enjoy his life.
I had therapy some years back and finally was able to let a lot that go. It was time, I'd carried it all long enough.
So I'm doing much better, still sad my kids never knew him but it's a manageable ache now. But I will say, from the depths of my being, fuck Leukaemia. I hope one day no-one will ever have to go through that he did
Sweet-Rasperry@reddit
I was 5 still hurts. I cry when I have small moments with my son. Am 29
kaychoo@reddit
You’ve conjured up a memory for me with this post.
I remember I was partnered up with a guy at uni whose dad was ill at the time. I wanted to try and show some understanding to his feelings when he was talking about the stress and upset of the possibility of losing him and when I said I lost my dad when I was 8 his response was, “but that’s different, you were young and didn’t have responsibilities to your family. It’s not the same as when you’re a son and also at uni dealing with assignments”…
It has been decades.
It still hurts when I think about it too much.
Please don’t dismiss my hurt if I choose to open up to you just because that amount of has passed.
BlueMagnolia20@reddit
I don't think you ever "get over it", but for me that raw pain faded into just a general occasional sadness. I lost my mum when I was 14 (I'm now 36) and got literally zero support from school/any other type of organisation. Now that I'm older I can see that I essentially became a young carer for my brother who was 11 at the time as my dad was still working full time. I think the adults in our lives should have done more to try and manage our feelings.
I try to look at the positives, which sounds weird! But it gave me a lot more empathy and understanding and shaped me to who I am today.
At the moment I'm expecting my 2nd child and she is due on my mum's birthday, so I think that's a sign that makes me feel at peace. My daughter will be my only female member!
marfules@reddit
I lost my mum when I was 5. I only grieved properly after a breakdown of sorts in my early 20s: I had spent a lot of time trying to fill or cover up the hole it left, but my therapist got me to see that I have a mum-shaped hole and it’s not going away and that’s okay. I know it’s affected every part of myself and my life in one way or another. Death feels closer to me than to others I think, and I will never shake the deep fear of losing people I love, but I am still lucky and happy and cracking on, even with my mum-shaped hole.
Rich-Peak-3902@reddit
Orphaned as a baby. It doesn't affect me in the sense that I miss my parents (I obviously never knew them), but when I see other people able to depend on their parents, to have that safety net, I do feel a slight twinge of resentment and frustration. Life is considerably harder when the only person you really have to fall back on is yourself.
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
I don't miss my dad at all. But I saw a video on TikTok of a woman just asking her dad for random and sometimes outlandish things like money, massive tasks around her house etc, and he just said yes every time.....I want that kind of unconditional love where someone will do it for me/give it to me if they can.
togtogtog@reddit
I have felt like that at times in my life, when I had my parents!!! They weren't the sort to do all that stuff. I had to pay a friend to take me to uni, had to earn money for school dinners by having a cleaning job when I was 17 and so on. However, I do feel very privileged to know who they are, know something of my family history, medical history etc. They did love me, but just didn't see parents jobs as more than making sure you were fed and clothed as a child.
Luckily for me, I'm very reliable, so a good person to fall back on!
GeneralAlright@reddit
I didn't lose my mum 'young', but she was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13 and lived another seven years. Felt like I was just waiting for something terrible to happen for that whole time.
I lost my dad to COVID eight years later and I'd say that hurts a lot worse because I don't remember my mum as anything other than sick and in denial about it.
Jamdeee@reddit
In my (M)30's. Lost my dad when I was 13. I think the experience people like us have as an adult depends on the relationship we had with the parent.
My dad had his issues and we weren't particularly close. He never gave me guidance and I feel he wasn't really mentally invested in me. He died showing off in front of his mates on a motorcycle.
I've always resented him for it. Even though I've built a good life for myself I still get sad seeing others my age with dads that care about them. If I have a particularly bad day or stumble across some mushy father/son content it can affect me to various degress. When it hits it's usually a mix of anger and sadness that I see through until I sleep. I'm normally fine the next day.
I used to think it would eventually just stop, but it doesn't and it's something you learn to live with. It does feel like an emotional scar. It's always there but you build your life around it and after a while it doesn't bother you as much.
IansGotNothingLeft@reddit
I wasn't tiny, I was 17 when dad died. Honestly, it was fucking rough. I know it was rough. But my brain has forgotten a lot of that shit....Or rather, I've mostly forgotten how it felt and I've honestly forgotten him as a person. My memories come from photographs. I was absolutely over it by the time I was 23/24. In fact, I'm fairly sure I was 24 when I realised that I had forgotten his anniversary and I didn't really care. I'm early 40s now. Mum died when I was 30 and it's still upsetting to me. I think that's because I knew mum for longer and as an adult.
I think if I had lost my mum at 17 and my dad when I was older, it would have been very different. Not that I didn't love my dad, I was a daddy's girl. But as a female, the relationship with my mum was different.
Ultimately, if you're "ok" and functioning, but still feel sad, that's totally understandable and acceptable. If you're depressed and still find it very difficult, I'd suggest therapy if you haven't already.
rubberbandhands@reddit
My dad died when I was 13, I’m 38 now and it does still affect me. I think it depends what else is going on at the time, but if things are generally not good I tend to find I dwell more and feel grief more readily than usual.
I had a rough time as an adolescent; a big aspect of that was refusal to accept losing my dad was (and is) part of my story. It doesn’t mean I accept it now but it was important to recognise it as an important part of who I am and what shaped me, rather than reject it and constantly wish it never happened. I also try to remember what my dad was like and all the positive ways he influenced my life, and I strive to live the values he taught me.
I couldn’t agree more that schools need better support for bereaved children. I remember my tutor complaining on a report that I wasn’t doing as well as I should’ve been doing. She was utterly lacking compassion and insight into what it’s like. On the plus side, I had a very good counsellor through the NHS who helped me get through some very difficult months. I might not be here if it wasn’t for her and I’m grateful I was able to access support. The state of the NHS now means that help might be out of reach for many young people who really need it, which is heartbreaking.
masha1901@reddit
My dad died when I was 5yrs old, yes it affected me badly. Not least because my mum remarried someone else within 6 mths. When that ended within weeks, (he was a real criminal, and hauled off in handcuffs.) She remarried again, that one was worse, he abused us girls for years. I never got over my dad dying, drunk drivers are the worst. My dad's car was hit by a drunk driver, and he and the car didn't survive the crash.
EdgeCityRed@reddit
Ah! Today would have been my dad's birthday. He died when I was 11.
Honestly, I do miss him and wish he'd been able to meet my husband and be around for my mother, but he suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and went through brain surgery and suffered greatly, so I accepted his death at the time it happened; we were emotionally prepared for it.
Same with my mother, who died at 87.
Altnabreac@reddit
I got some decent inheritance, cheated my siblings out of their bit, bought a house, and started land disputes with public bodies.
So all quite fun really.
ceb1995@reddit
I m 31 and my dad died when I was 9. It was sudden from a ruptured aorta from an undiagnosed generic disorder. I dont think you re ever completely over it, I know I m a very different person than I could have been because of it. I can say now though that different person isn't necessarily a bad result at this point. I can relate to the not getting any bereavement support at the time so I did really get through it myself.
However, I faced being tested for his condition myself, have lost a few more relatives since and recently my mum's had cancer which could have broken me had it happened say ten years ago but I ve stayed quite calm really and fortunately her prognosis has been brilliant.
I've genuinely hit this point of peace and resilience where it's a slight sting with some specific things (like becoming a parent myself him not being a grandad and I know getting to that birthday he didn't get to will be werid in a few years) but most of the time it only impacts me in that I really appreciate life now and find joy in lots of little things in life.
mad_saffer@reddit
My partner lost his father when he was very young, almost too young to remember him but OH.My.God! He NEVER lets any of us forget it. It's the excuse for everything in his life that hasn't gone perfectly and his reason for not trying harder. It makes me absolutely crazy because he's so talented!!
mad_saffer@reddit
He was 3. He doesn't remember the man AT ALL!
YouCantGiveBabyBooze@reddit
oh poor you! must be a nightmare! is that what you want to hear? vile.
YouCantGiveBabyBooze@reddit
oh I'm really sorry you have to... deal with your partner's grief by complaining about how much he goes on about it? fuck me.
Alth12@reddit
Dont think she (or i with my friend) are saying they shouldnt grieve. I've lost my father, though I'm an adult and yeah your parents leave a massive hole when they're gone. But theres a difference between grieving a loss and using it as the excuse your entire life for why things don't happen, refusing therapy etc. My friend for example recently didn't pass probation at a new job, her dream job no less, because she just didn't show up to work enough and made mistakes when she did. But to her all that is because she didn't have her mum.
Tried nudging her gently towards talking to someone professionally but she insists shes fine and she copes with weed, but shes clearly not fine and if you ask me the weed use is probably why she lost the job. It gets frustrating when you know someones capable of so much and you love them but they're stuck it seems on a tape loop.
Individual-Gur-7292@reddit
What an heartless thing to say. I wouldn’t say that about my worst enemy, let alone my partner.
Alth12@reddit
I feel this. One of my best friends lost her mum at birth and is exactly the same. Was raised mostly by her Dad and her older brother and won't let anyone forget she grew up without a Mum and its her go to excuse for things not panning out in areas of her life even now when shes in her mid 30s.
GrimQuim@reddit
'Kinnel, I think we've found out what's wrong with his life today
GibGabGoo@reddit
Not that I 'lost' my Mum, she left just before my first birthday. Tried to arrange to meet her as a teenager and several failed attempts and bad excuses later decided I'd be better off never meeting her. Then my dad sort of left me with his parents when I was ten, still saw him but he wasn't so much a part of my life anymore.
Definitely comes into my mind every now and then and it doesn't feel great and never will I suppose, more so when I see my dad's two younger kids with another woman who've spent their entire childhoods with him and their mum still being in their lives.
'Over it' in some ways and not in others, it's definitely affected my relationships and feelings towards family as I've gotten older.
audigex@reddit
Late 30s, lost my dad at 13. I'd definitely say I'm over it at this point. I've just kinda... felt it all already, I guess?
Don't get me wrong, I still have sad moments eg on his birthday and I definitely had some poignant thoughts when my own child was born that they'd never meet. But I don't think about it all the time, and it's a pang of sadness rather than the real deep pain of grief. I joke about him more than I'm sad about him.
With that said, he'd been unwell for a while and my parents had been divorced for 5 years, so I'm aware that the impact is probably not as severe for me as it might be for some other people. My own mum has said before now that she's glad we didn't have an "empty chair" situation, he wasn't suddenly missing from the house. I'd also personally say that for most people, losing their mum is likely to have a harder impact than losing their dad just because mums tend to be the more primary care giver. Obviously that's not universal
Support and counselling for it was absolute dogshit even 20+ years ago, I can only imagine how lacking it is today with so many cuts to mental health support
clearlycurious@reddit
I lost my mum when I was 3. It definitely still affects me in different ways. I mourn for the mother I didn't get the opportunity to know, the mother/daughter chats and moments I never got to have and also the life she didn't get to live. I became older than her just after I turned 30 and that was a bitter pill to swallow.
I dont think you ever get over it, you just learn how to deal with it and the pain lessens with time, but never goes away. Occasionally it jumps up and smacks you in the face out of nowhere and I dont think that'll ever change.
stranglekelp@reddit
Both parents lost at 5. I don't even remember the incident itself, my brain only reconstructed the flashbacks based on what I've been told as opposed to remembering.
Three decades ago now, and I don't think a single day has passed where I didn't wish for it not to be true.
love-is-a-rose@reddit
My dad died when I was three. I, don't really remember him and the memories I do have are vague. I used to always think it didn't affect me as my mum was split from him at the time and was perfectly happy to be in a single parent family. However, when I reached adulthood and my mom told me that he had died from heroin overdose and not a heart attack, it left me with feelings of worthlessness as it was preventable. I thought he had chosen drugs over me. Now, I can see all of the things that his absence have caused in my life. They are not all negative and have shaped me. I wouldn't say I'm over it but I can think of him without much feeling of sadness.
polomintz123@reddit
Lost my mum at age 5 she was 23. I honestly don't have any memories of her because they started to form around that point. I do think I'll always miss her not in the sense that I actually miss having it I'm kinda ashamed to admit even at 42 I'm quite jealous of what other people have
mincedhalloumi@reddit
Whilst not a child, I was 24 when my mum died. About a year or so after her death, I worked in a hospital and was talking to a patient. She was telling me about her mum who died when she was also 24. I still to this day remember watching this mid-60's woman tear up whilst talking about her mum and realising that pain never truly goes away. I found it quite reassuring in a way.
No-Snow-9605@reddit
My Dad died when I was 8, I am now 77, so yes well over it. My Mum never remarried so things were tough,there was nowhere near the same amount of benefits then as now. Knowing my Mum she probably never even tried to see if there was any benefit to claim.
There's no one stronger than a proud Scottish widow . Two jobs,even three jobs . I started work on a milk round before school, 6 am start 7 days a week. That wasn't pocket money, that was to help with the household. It was probably less than £1...1959 a pound could by quite a few groceries.
superundead62126@reddit
I was 10 when I lost my mum. I think you find ways of healing in your own way but you never get over it. That was 16 years ago and I still find myself getting upset sometimes.
For me personally, something might trigger an upset more than anything else. I was watching a film with my girlfriend a few months ago and the mum had cancer and had to get a wig. That set me off because I distinctly remember my mum having to do that.
There is no time frame for grief and people heal in different ways. There is no right or wrong and you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel.
LittleRebelbunny@reddit
I was 10 when I lost my mother and it is still difficult today. I just would love my mum to hug me and be able to spend time together with her.
I wish she met my husband and was there at my wedding day and that my little boy had his grandma as I know she would have been an amazing grandma. It also hurts in baby groupa when others mention their mother's helping and that I don't have that.
TheSecretIsMarmite@reddit
My mother lost her father to a heart attack when she was 12. She's 79 now and definitely not over it, and no she hasn't had any grief counselling as she said she doesn't see the point now.
ChairMiddle3250@reddit
I was a child when I lost my dad, and I'm in my mid 30s now. I survived it but I'll never be over it. It has negatively impacted me every day since, it's a lingering pain that never really leaves. I've made a life and I'm generally happy but I think about him every day. But it's a hole that will never quite scar over completely.
I completely agree regarding counselling/support. My mum got some but I never did. I often think how different id have been, the choices I'd have made it it had never happened or if I'd received professional help in the aftermath
robin589@reddit
I guess to offer a bit of different perspective, my dad died when I was 7, I'm now 30. And I would say now it doesn't really have an impact on my life. Obviously there is always a bit of "how would my life had been different" but very much not on a daily basis.
What I think made the probably made different for me is that I had monthly (and at one point weekly) counselling to understand why I was feeling what I was (depression, anger, confusion) from the age of about 13 to 18. But equally it didnt have a huge impact on our living standards so that probably also helped.
DeetzBetelgeuse@reddit
I was 16 when my dad died, 36 now. It affected me a lot in my late teens/early 20s but as I got older I started realising how much of a POS he was. I started connecting his behaviour with abusive patterns until I felt nothing for him. It doesn’t bother me now, my mum is still alive but I’m starting to make those same connections with her and my love towards her is dwindling. I think they brought out the worst in each other and my mum must have been adapted to being that way when he was alive that she continued long past his death.
If anything, the way it’s affected me now is made realise what not to be and what not to put up with in a partner.
MadamTinfoil@reddit
I lost my Dad when I was 10. I'd just finished primary school and was going up to secondary school. It still affects me now at 45 but in different ways to when I was 35 and 25 and 15 etc. I hate that I had to grow up without my Dad. My life ended the summer that he died and My life after his death was miserable for a very long time, In truth I lost both parents and i basically brought myself up with small snippets of help from other adults and friends. As an adult, it has taken me a long time to mentally be ok. I think that grief as a child is so different to grief as a grown adult so it can go on and on and on. The main thing is that there is no right or wrong answer. My heart hurts for everyone who lost a parent when they were young.
Cait_The_Bookworm@reddit
I lost my dad suddenly, when I was 11, I'm now 23. At first everything was really raw, for a lack of a better word, I got really upset when a waitress called me a nickname that my dad used to call me, and just erupted into tears at the dinner table. I handle it a lot better now, but every so often something will catch me.
Recently, I was watching a show, and one of the lines was something along the lines of "I'd like a day with my dad." and I just burst into tears.
I have a step-dad, whom I call dad (after many years of knowing him), but I still have the moments where I question whether he would be proud of me, what would he think of my decisions, what would his hugs feel like, etc.
Grief isn't something you can ever truly get over, and it's not something you need forgiven for. You can have good days and bad days, and sometimes I find the best thing is to talk about the memories you have, and reminise over the time you spent with them.
Kim_catiko@reddit
Not a James Morrison fan at all, but there's a song he wrote after his dad died that I listen to when I am missing my dad and the words just hit me hard at times. It is small things that you miss.
Scarred_fish@reddit
I'm 53 now, lost both my parents as a teenager, grandparents were gone before I was born. It left me to look after my younger brother, so I guess that helped me just get on with it.
I would never say it bothers me, I just miss them. That feeling never goes away (which is a good thing IMO).
The pain pretty soon gives way to all the happy memories, which hold far more power than sadness or grief. Which is a good thing, as there is no other choice.
The only issue I have ever had is trying to understand how people feel at my age when a parent passes away. My wife's mother died last year and I honestly did struggle as I couldn't relate to having known and spent time with a parent as an adult, and for so long.
SearchingSiri@reddit
Sorry to hear about your experience, I can absolutely sympathise, sadly from a place of experience.
Lost my dad at a similar age. Mid 40s now.
I chose to live with him when my parents split a few years before.
For some additional reasons, this made what was possibly some quite promising teenage years particularly horrible.
I'd say for the next decade there wasn't a day when I didn't think about suicide (and many days it was a whole lot more than once.)
That never happened, but it still had life long effects on me both from the event and the decade after.
I'd hoped that a counselling/therapy might be offered as a default now, I'm presuming it wasn't for you. It absolutely wasn't 'a thing' in the early 90s.
I'm hesitant to ask schools to have even more responsibility - I'd like to see less personally and they focus on education. Well, without a massive injection of money. anymore. But I absolutely think there should be more focus on this generally and at least a standard referral to say 6 weeks of NHS counselling and at the end of that 6 weeks the therapist can at least make suggestions about options to go forward.
In an ADHD diagnoses I was asked "did anything traumatic happen in your childhood". I actually replied, "well not really....." then "ohhhhhhhhhhh.... yes, actually I think can give you an example of that".
On the "positive" side - I'm not sure if I survived because I was resilient or it made me more resilient. When a lot of people were pretty distressed by Covid, for me it was way down on the list of 'bad things in my life'.
DredUnicorn@reddit
My dad died when I was a teenager (I am now nearly 40). I miss him a lot but I actually struggle to remember specifics about him. There are times where I struggle to even picture his face and that makes me feel kinda weird. It was his birthday yesterday and I spent mostly of the day thinking about him but getting frustrated because I couldn't picture specifics in my head just vague feelings.
Strict_Ad2788@reddit
I hope it comforts you a little to know that primary schools do offer grief counselling to children. At least that has been my experience as a teacher of children who have been bereaved.
FaaithGrace@reddit
lost my dad at 12, now 32 and yeah it still sneaks up on me at random times like holidays or seeing other families. schools were clueless back then, just sent me back to class after a week, wish they'd had some actual support in place
EvilTaffyapple@reddit
My dad dies when I was 13. I remember how he looks, but that’s it.
“Over it” isn’t really how I’d describe it. I don’t mourn him as such, but I’m sad I didn’t get to grow up and get to know him.
My dog died over Christmas and I’m more emotional over him, given I had him 13.5 years as an adult and had him in my life, as opposed to my father who I don’t remember and only knew as a boy.
Defiant-Tackle-0728@reddit
Dad was an abusive drunk and left when I was 10.
Mum had a mental breakdown not long after, younger brother ended up with an aunt. I went into care and stayed there till I was 16.
We slowly started rebuilding but stepdad died of cancer 8 weeks after they married, that hit hard when I was 18.
Mum and younger brother was killed by a drunk driver 9 months later, given the inquest it took tike for them to be buried.
Rest of her family treated me like shit and caused chaos. Their funeral which took my entire savings was planned for the 6 September 1997. Not one of her family turned up.
The funeral was me, 4 of my brothers friends who were 14/15, 3 of mums friends and a neighbour.
Why? Because that was the same day as Diana, Princess of Wales funeral.
The only message I got was "but its Princess Diana, we can rearrange".
Not spoke to them since.
EUskeptik@reddit
My parents divorced before I was a year old. My mother was sectioned and I was born in a mental hospital.
My mother was unable/unwilling to look after me and I was brought up by my grandparents. They were good, kind people but I could not understand why I wasn’t with my mother, especially as she remarried when I was five.
Eventually I moved to be with my mother and stepfather. My mother was utterly horrible to me. My stepfather was a good man but my mother was physically and psychologically abusive to us both.
I left home at 21 after studying at the local university. It was a blessed relief. My stepfather died the following year from a sudden massive heart attack brought on by stress.
My relationship with my mother was toxic from then on. I eventually had to cut ties with her. We didn’t speak for 20 years. I believe she suffered from mental illness for the whole of her adult life but never sought help or treatment.
Ironically, she applied to become a social worker specialising in mental health but did not pass probation. The mental welfare officer who trained her later said most of his patients were less in need of support than she was.
To say all this blighted my life would be an understatement.
-##-
Ok-Statement-2578@reddit
Lost my mum when I was 9 in a motorbike accident. My dad wasn't able to be around, they were divorced when she died, so I had to go into foster care. I'm 39 now and generally, day to day, I do OK. But it has left me with mental health issues. I still have bad days where i miss her so much. And every time I lose someone I love, I feel like I grieve for her again alongside my other grief. I lost my dad about 8 years ago, to general ill health associatied with getting old, he became more and more fragile over time and although he didn't tell us specifically how ill he was at the end. I think we all were somewhat prepared that the end was coming, and although that doesn't make it any easier, I feel somewhat more at peace with my dad's passing. My mums death feels like if left a hole that echoes through my life.
Plus_Pangolin_8924@reddit
I lost my mum 4 days after Christmas when I was 14 and tbh it never gets better. Everyday I think of her and such.
Optimesh@reddit
I think loss is not something you get over, it’s something you take with you. Sending hugs OP.
BuckfastAndHairballs@reddit
Lost mum at 9 and in my 30s now. I'd say most days I'm over it as it's been so long and that's the life I know. But it defo made me not very emotional and tough in certain ways, like things that should make me emotional or empathetic towards others, just don't do that. Can you be over something you never really processed? Cause maybe that's where I'm at. Or maybe i have always been not caring and unempathetic and just think it's because of that, who knows.
treesnbees222222@reddit
Never over it. I feel a new kind of loss as I pass through each life milestones. Becoming a woman in my 20s. Getting married. Becoming older than she ever was….
ItAintNoUse@reddit
I lost my dad when I was 13 to suicide. I turn 24 this year.
He was an awful, awful person. He was arrested abruptly one day at work and none of us had any idea why. After school, I had to go to my aunt's as our house had been ransacked by police. For months, he claimed he'd done nothing and been framed. In the end, we were informed that he had CSA material on his devices and had hidden cameras in our house, including in the bathrooms. I'd always known he was a cold, arrogant, manipulative person, and that he was creepy and made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn't know it was that bad.
Alongside the hidden cameras, there were cameras he openly used "for security", including one in my bedroom pointed at my bed that would turn and look at me every night.
I am over his death — in fact, I'm extremely glad he's dead and not somewhere out there in the world, I'd be terrified of ever seeing him again or him trying to contact me. That said, I'm not sure I'll ever get over what he did.
HmNotToday1308@reddit
My dad died in my early teens and my mother in Mt twenties - to be honest him and my mother died before I was even born - Drug addiction had already taken over and they were just shells of human beings between extremely brief bouts of sobriety.
I can't really miss what I didn't have but it's always...there, wondering what life could have, would have and should have been like.
Heck_@reddit
My mum lost her dad suddenly at 16 and I’d say it fucked her up forever, despite living a relatively “normal” life up until when she died suddenly in her late 50s. I’m not sure if I just didn’t notice it until a certain point, but her issues with losing her dad seemed to me like the came waaaaay more to the front as she got older, combined with probably being a full blown alcoholic.
Time can be a healer, but I’d say it’s definitely not the only way to heal. You need to take care of yourself mentally too.
Now to see if I “get over” losing my mum in my early 20s 😅
No_Top6466@reddit
I am not young, I am 30 and have just lost my mum however my brother is only 17. I have to say his school have been pretty good about it and were extremely accommodating when it first happened. They have not offered any form of counselling to him though, we have managed to get this for him outside of school luckily.
crumpets289@reddit
My dad died when I had just turned 5. I don’t remember much about him apart from a few hazy memories, but I will still get upset if I think about him for a while or visit his grave.
It doesn’t affect me day to day and I am happy to talk about it with people, but I can’t imagine a time where it ever wont upset me if I think about it. I am nearly 30.
No_Tour_1030@reddit
Not me but my dad lost his dad when he was 12. His mam was so stoic about it and never showed any emotion. Very stiff upper lip, carry on, it is what it is, etc. She kept a photo up but rarely spoke of him for years, and never cried about it. He developed a hugely strong attachment to her (not a bad thing in itself) and was terrified of her dying the rest of her life. He said that fear really impacted him in his teens/twenties especially.
When she did die he was in his 70s and all the wounds reopened. It was incredibly difficult for him, moreso than it probably would have been (she lived to 99 and we'd accepted she wouldn't live much longer for weeks). If he'd gotten proper help as a child I think he would have coped better, but it was the 60s, so no chance of that. He's doing much better now a few years later, but it was a lot to work through. I think being 'over it' has never really been an option for him. It also made me very scared he would die when I was 12, but thankfully that didn't happen!
miss_lottielou@reddit
Back in the 80s there wasn't anything at school when I lost my mum as a teen and at times remembering her, it sometimes hits like a truck, or I remember her with a little smile.
Struggled with friends who had large families and then also lost my dad in my early 20s.
But what I will say ultimately, I'm okay. Kept my head above water and I'm content with much of my life.
That's what I'll always hope for others in similar situations.
ScumFromBrum@reddit
As Bob Geldof once said, time doesn’t heal, it accommodates. Things get easier with time but you will never be completely healed from that sort of grief
Agitated-Tourist9845@reddit
Both parents dead by the time I was 21. I'm now older than my mum was when she died, and soon to pass my father's age. It's strange. My eldest child is now 22 and I'm flying blind. I don't have the advice they would have given me to help them navigate life. Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest times. In the last few years I've lost two of my closest and oldest friends and that shit hurts as well.
Fuck my school btw. My mum was going through chemo for the last two years I was there and they didn't give a fuck.
GroceryPlastic7954@reddit
I was 19 when my dad died at 44. It doesn't leave you. You've lost a parent. Its always there. It just affects you less often. But the pain will never leave you. No matter what age you are.
Lettuce1939@reddit
Mum got ill when I was 8 passed when I was 16 my brother and sister were 17 and 18 ..
It’s been 32 years
It deeply affects my brother every anniversary..
My sister and me say the same we get lots of moments where miss her or something in life’s she’s missed..
In two months I will be her age when she passed and that’s hitting me hard xx
Dad never recovered really bad depression on and off some ..
Obvious_Goat_764@reddit
I was a baby when my dad died. 35 now. I can still feel the way it ripped through all of my relationships, as well as my own internal monologue.
Different-Let4338@reddit
Sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my dad at 12.
I think the best way to describe it is that you learn to live without them, but life is a bit worse without them. So 'getting over it' is a difficult concept to get your head around. I'm over it in that I don't cry/feel depression and I don't think it's long term affected My mental health, but I'm not over it when I think of all the things he's missing (my wedding, my baby that's due next month etc).
I think at the time my mum did an amazing job with us to help us overcome it, but my older sister was really impacted by it in ways me and my younger sister weren't. It was almost 25 years ago, but she had a breakdown a few years ago (she's much better now) and through therapy they discovered that it was probably the loss of my Dad and inability to get over it that caused the breakdown. It's also important to note that whilst me and my family were all close, as a child I was a bit closer to my mum because of our hobbies, and my older sister was a bit closer to my dad, so I think that had a massive factor in her dealing with it.
So for some people we do 'get over' it in some way, we understand, heal but it's still painful at times. But for others they find it hard to get over, even many years later.
Sheepeh94@reddit
It never leaves you, some of that may be fluff some of it may be gospel truth but you always end up wondering. I didn’t see it as a weird thing at the time but now Im mid 30’s seeing people still have there fathers around pangs some deep regret from time to time, it’s sad my children won’t have a grandad kicking around like I did.
DownrightDrewski@reddit
It's like a very deep scar that very occasionally twinges, it took me about a decade to get to that point. I was also 10.
So many what ifs, but, it is what it is.
weeble182@reddit
From experience with extended family, I'm pretty sure schools do now make more effort with students who experience this, with counseling offered
xcixjames@reddit
My dad didn't die but he did leave us and I haven't seen him in over 20 years.
I don't sit around upset about it but if I'm honest with myself, I wish I had grown up with a father figure to teach me how to do things, talk to girls, fix cars etc. I'm 26 and I'm working it out on my own and doing well. I just wish I had that figure anyway.
It definitely affects how I approach relationships breaking down. If i see them falling apart, friend, family or romantic interest. I'm too quick to just shove them away because it just seems easier in my head.
Remarkable_Bet_4131@reddit
Been a similar amount of time for me. I dont think ill ever get over it. Have good days,weeks, months then something will happen or ill think of something and end up having a good old sob. I really miss my mam n dad.
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