Hi everyone,

I’m 28, and I moved abroad almost 7 years ago for my studies. I now work in a corporate job in the same country.

I’ve always been shy and a bit awkward. Making the first move with people has never come naturally to me. I’ve also always had this habit of mirroring others, not because I want to be them, but more as a way to fit in and feel accepted.

Back in my home country, things felt easier. Even with my shyness, I had my family, my friends, and a familiar environment. But when I moved abroad for university, it was a real cultural shock.

I lost all my reference points, my family, my friends, my habits. I had to relearn everything in a culture I didn’t know. And doing that at 22, while being extremely shy, in a place where people already had their friend groups and social circles, it was really hard.

So I adapted the only way I knew how, by imitating. The way people dressed, spoke, behaved, even my accent. It became a survival mechanism.

It’s also here that I truly became aware of being a Black woman. I always knew, of course, but in this country, it hit me differently. I started to feel that being a woman, and especially a Black woman, could be perceived negatively in some situations.

Because I’m naturally quiet and tend to keep to myself, it created misunderstandings. When I don’t speak, people think I’m arrogant. So I’ve had to force myself out of my shell, to interact even when it feels very uncomfortable.

Since starting my corporate job, things have gotten worse. My anxiety has reached a level where I’m now on medication, still light for now. I constantly feel like I’m acting, like I’m performing a role. Even though I have colleagues and some friends, I’m rarely 100% myself.

I’m lucky to have a very supportive mum. We’re really close, and she understands my anxiety and emotional struggles, which isn’t always common given our West African background. She’s open-minded, she’s always let me express myself, and she believes in me more than anyone. I try not to worry her too much with how I feel.

I can’t really talk about this with the rest of my family back home. They don’t understand and tend to dismiss these things as “white people problems.”

Lately, at work, after a few disappointments, I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety, sometimes for no clear reason. I hate that feeling. I’m seeing a psychologist, but it’s not easy to find someone who truly understands the cultural aspect of what I’m going through, so it’s been a bit disappointing so far.

I guess I just needed to vent. I feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I’m trying to hold on by reminding myself that others have it worse, but honestly, I really miss the time when I was just at home with my family, living a simple life, not feeling like I had to perform or pretend to be someone else most of the time.

Thanks for reading.